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Family Matters:  Husband Problems  |
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Horseyrider
True Blue Farmgirl
1045 Posts
Mary Ann
Illinois
1045 Posts |
 Posted - Feb 14 2007 : 1:17:46 PM
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Okay Rebecca, maybe this shows that I'm an old lady or something, but I just have to ask:
What's a woobie???  |
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_Rebecca_
True Blue Farmgirl
568 Posts
Rebecca
OK
USA
568 Posts |
Posted - Feb 14 2007 : 1:50:40 PM
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A woobie: an object that you need for comfort or security. A baby has a woobie to keep him happy, kind of a mommy substitute of sorts. It's usually a blankie or a soft toy. Obviously husbands do give us comfort and security, I'm not saying that's wrong or bad or that being dependant on them is bad. But, sometimes we smother them a bit. You know? We get a bit insecure and we don't want to face our fears or confront our problems that we probably should face and confront without somebody holding our hands.
: )
.·:*¨¨* :·.Rebecca.·:*¨¨* :·.
Wife of Jonathan, Mother of Joel, Caitlyn, Elia, Nathanael |
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laluna
True Blue Farmgirl
295 Posts
New York
USA
295 Posts |
Posted - Feb 14 2007 : 2:01:54 PM
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| What works for me and my marriage? Communication. That's the bulk of it. Really. If we don't talk about what's on our minds, we won't know how to proceed. It's the whole "knowledge is power" thing. And I'm not talking about "power" in the sense that has been mentioned above; I'm talking about the power to move things forward, keep things together, love one another. Not coincidentally, I think, my husband just came home from work and gave me my Valentine's Day card. There's a quote from Homer on the front: "There is nothing nobler or more admirable than when two people who see eye to eye keep house as man and wife, confounding their enemies and delighting their friends." If that doesn't tell you how we feel about marriage and what makes it work, I don't know what more to say. We're going on 14 years and are child-free, by the way. *gasp* |
Edited by - laluna on Feb 14 2007 2:07:28 PM |
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Libbie
Farmgirl Connection Cultivator
3579 Posts
Anne E.
Elsinore
Utah
USA
3579 Posts |
Posted - Feb 14 2007 : 2:16:15 PM
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I've heard it said that both people who have children and people who don't, feel sorry for each other!
XOXO, Libbie
"Nothing is worth more than this day." - Goethe |
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laluna
True Blue Farmgirl
295 Posts
New York
USA
295 Posts |
Posted - Feb 14 2007 : 2:22:22 PM
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*LOL*@Libbie!
Ah, I love, love, love my many nieces and nephews, and I teach middle school all day (English!) and love those kiddos as well, but having my own was not something I've ever desired (I actually remember telling my own mother when I was about 8 years old that I wasn't going to have children when I grew up - weird, huh?). |
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ArmyWifey
True Blue Farmgirl
712 Posts
Holly
Abilene
KS
712 Posts |
Posted - Feb 14 2007 : 3:53:56 PM
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You asked about what we do to keep things on track:
Well since hubby has literally been gone for half of our marriage it's a bit different for us but here are some thoughts:
1. Put God first
2. pray -- we're still working on together but I pray for my husband all the time as well as for my own attitudes
3. Honor each other - that means I respect his authority and he respects my opinons
4. Keep the home fires burning -- both literally and physically. Here's what I mean : He takes great comfort in the fact that I am a capable, independant woman who can hold her own and keep things together while he's away. That he doesn't have to worry weather the bills are getting paid on time, kids fed,doctor visits, broken bones, etc etc and can focus on the misson at hand and get home.
Physically in the sense of mixing it up in the bedroom and keeping him guessing - not letting it get routine or stale.
5. Be grateful - seems every time I am whining/grousing about hubby the Lord reminds me that it could always be worse. This is in regards to hubby, kids, house, money, etc! I am trying to start keeping a journal of thank you's for me and kids to pray at the end of the day.
6. Smile -- nobody likes a grouch.
7. Serve each other -- treat each other like you would an honored guest. This one takes grit and practice! not quite there yet.
8. Remember your wedding vows -- for better or worse.
9. Don't make decisions when you're pmsing! (or in the middle of a move ,etc).
10. Remember nobody's marriage is perfect no matter how it may look from the outside. And the truly happy couples who've stayed together along time didn't get there the easy way.
11. Remember the best thing for your kiddos is to know that Mom and Dad love each other.
Just a few off the top of my head.
Holly
As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord!
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Edited by - ArmyWifey on Feb 14 2007 3:54:40 PM |
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Horseyrider
True Blue Farmgirl
1045 Posts
Mary Ann
Illinois
1045 Posts |
Posted - Feb 14 2007 : 4:32:36 PM
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Thank you Rebecca, you have broadened my vocabulary!  |
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brightmeadow
True Blue Farmgirl
2045 Posts
Brenda
Lucas
Ohio
USA
2045 Posts |
Posted - Feb 14 2007 : 4:33:35 PM
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Here is a question:
One partner works at home, and prepares a nice meal to be ready when they expect their partner, who works on the outside, to be home. Knowing this, the partner stops off on the way home for a beer, or two or three, and comes home one, or three, or five, or seven hours late. If the stay-at-home partner calls the drinking partner's cell phone to ask when they should be expected (to make a decision to put the nice meal in the refrigerator or continue to warm it in the oven), the drinking partner gets angry and yells that the stay-at-home partner is always nagging them and trying to control the relationship, hangs up without saying goodbye, and stays out even later to teach the stay-at-home partner a lesson.
What should a faithful stay-at-home partner do in this situation?
a.) Put the dinner in the refrigerator and knit a prayer shawl, search the scriptures for an answer
b.) Throw the dinner in the trash and go visit a girlfriend until after the partner comes home - let him worry for a change
c.) Call a babysitter and go find the partner in the bar and tell them to come home, or alternatively, have a drink with him (pretend like he invited you)
d.) Keep the dinner in the oven on warm and stay up waiting for the partner to come home, greet him with a soft voice and welcome
e.) Take a Valium or otherwise self-medicate to ease the pain
This is a serious question: I tried all these approaches at one time or another over a 10-year period, none of them seemed to work for me.
If you don't like any of the options above, feel free to write your own response....
You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands - You shall be happy and it shall be well with you. -Psalm 128.2
Visit my blog at http://brightmeadowfarms.blogspot.com ,web site store at http://www.watkinsonline.com/fish or my homepage at http://home.earthlink.net/~brightmeadow |
Edited by - brightmeadow on Feb 14 2007 4:48:41 PM |
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DaisyFarm
True Blue Farmgirl
1646 Posts
Diane
Victoria
BC
Canada
1646 Posts |
Posted - Feb 14 2007 : 5:24:31 PM
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Okay I'll bite on this one Brenda and you didn't offer the option I would pick....I'd call a lawyer. I don't mean that to sound flip...I seriously would.
I'm so sorry you had to live this Brenda...I can only hope that you've become a stronger person because of it.
Big hug,
Di |
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Horseyrider
True Blue Farmgirl
1045 Posts
Mary Ann
Illinois
1045 Posts |
Posted - Feb 14 2007 : 5:25:21 PM
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For me, the time to try and approach situations like the one Brenda describes is not when the spouse is late. (Actually, I thought you might turn it around and have it be a stay at home DAD and a working MOM. But I digress.) It's something for a We Need New Ground Rules talk, and those tend to happen on Sunday afternoons, Saturday mornings, or some other time when the aggravating thing isn't actually happening.
The speech goes something like this.
"I notice that some nights you come home at very different times, and it's difficult to plan meals based on your arrival. When I work hard and plan for and then cook a special meal that I'm hoping you'll enjoy, and then you don't show up to eat it or tell me that you'll be late, I feel disrespected. I feel like my efforts are unappreciated and I feel like it's foolish for me to try. I want to do nice things for you, but you have to help me by being available at reliable times. If you can't make it, call me. But please make an effort to make it home on time, as I've made an effort to provide a good meal for you."
Now a nice guy like mine would say "Gosh, I had no idea I was hosing your meal plans. I'll be home by 5:30 at the latest, and if something like traffic or something's gonna slow me down, I'll give you a call."
Some guys feel like a request like this is too prying into his time. Fine. But we teach people how to treat us. If he rejected what I say and refused to negotiate, I would never fight about it. I would just say "Okay, but after 6:30 I'm putting away all the food and the kitchen will be closed. If you want anything after that, you'll have to make a sandwich for yourself when you come in. I'll be done cooking for the day."
And I swear that by 6:29:59 I'd be clearing the table and refrigerating everything, and I'd wash the dishes and turn off the light.
If the issue is really the dinner and not how he's going out drinking with his buddies, I would stick to that like glue. He wants a good home made meal, he can make the effort to be home and appreciate it (and the cook) at a decent hour or explain why. Especially after I've told him how it makes me feel when he's late and blows me off.
If the issue is really how he's going out drinking with his buddies, don't talk about dinner. It's not about dinner. Talk about how the drinking and abandoning you makes you feel. Men who really love their wives don't want to make them feel bad. But once in awhile there are other issues such as maturity, poor stress coping skills, or self medicating with alcohol that get in the way. And it doesn't mean that they're bad guys. Those are ones that often need help from a counselor, especially if there's a long standing pattern of not dealing well.
C'mere my sista farmgirl, let me give you a hug. I have a feeling you could use one.
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jo Thompson
True Blue Farmgirl
603 Posts
Jo
the mountainside of the Chugach
in Alaska
USA
603 Posts |
Posted - Feb 14 2007 : 6:09:56 PM
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Here's a hug coming from this direction!
how do we keep it going!
We laugh, and keep each other up half of the night trying to entertain the other more....
We talk together
We cry together
We hike together and ski
We clean together
We cook together
Paul is my best friend and I put him first
I am his best friend and he puts me first
We practice compassion and when I need some time alone I take it.....
I try never to dump my garbage on him - I tell him, "I'm having a bad day, you may want to keep a little distance....."
I learned from the first go round (1st marriage), life is too short to manipulate other human beings, guilt them into loving you, go to bed angry, it isn't worth that kind of thing.
I like where the thread is finally going, thanks Libbie! I think we really, really do care about each other's sorrows...... dear Brenda, we care about your sorrows....... jo
"life is drab without a lab"
http://homepage.mac.com/thomja/Anchorage/PhotoAlbum15.html |
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ArmyWifey
True Blue Farmgirl
712 Posts
Holly
Abilene
KS
712 Posts |
Posted - Feb 14 2007 : 7:01:43 PM
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Brenda,
HUGS to you! Divorce is not the answer yet. Try talking to him or killing him with kindness is my answer.
As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord!
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KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
Posted - Feb 14 2007 : 8:11:38 PM
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I learned from many mistakes in my first marriage, too--some mine, some his, but what I learned most was to "thine own self be true"...now, that may sound selfish to some of you gals, but I'm a giver to the point that I forget about myself--usually to folks who don't give back, and I went against many personal values because my ex was an alcoholic--it was just easier. I found some personal boundaries, and I've kept them, and it makes me a better wife, a better person, a better friend. Things (that are valid) that make me angry, or hurt, he knows it right then and there. There's no silent treatment, or pushing it under the rug for later. And I value the same thing from him--nothing is worse than being in trouble for something you didn't know you did 7 months ago!
We spend more time together now, that his job hours are similar to mine, so, oddly enough, time apart is really key--individualism within our marriage keeps us strong, also. We like to do different things, and we like to do similar things. The similar things we do are better when we've had some space!
Our "on track" has some bumps for sure--everyone does, but when things are bumpy, I really try to remember why I chose him. Environments change, we change physically, but at our core--what was it (is it?) about his core that I loved and still love and admire?
I'll tell you what, and it's no big secret--even when I'm wrong, he loves me. Even when he's wrong, I love him, too. I do my best--and so does he. When either of us fall short of our alliegances to one another, we know it--I don't need to tell him that he disappointed me or vice versa--and we try to do better. None of us are perfect, and all we can do in our lives is to endeavor to be better than we were yesterday.
Just think of all of the roads there are...all of the things I haven't seen....yet. |
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Love-in-a-Mist
True Blue Farmgirl
367 Posts
Shannon
Independence
Oregon
USA
367 Posts |
Posted - Feb 14 2007 : 8:42:34 PM
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Thank you girls for worrying about me. It's so hard to post things when that's all people see and they don't know the whole picture. I just want to give you some back ground so you are not so worried about me.:)
I grew up a "city" girl, latch key kid, in a broken, but very loving home. Not just one broken marriage, but many. Fast food was a staple and life was all about "You only live once". I never had to cook or clean I was very much an independent tom boy. OK so I married a very traditional farm boy. He left the Marines when we got married and moved back to the family farm that he runs with his dad. I got pregnant a month later (on purpose, very naive, I know). It was time for me to step up and be a farm wife and mother and I desperatly wanted to, but had know idea how or the discipline to. He would get mad at me after coming home working all day and the house would be a mess, because I was out shopping, hanging out with friends, or doing projects I wanted to do. I didn't have anything planned for dinner and most of the time didn't care because he could cook for himself. I would get hurt because he was supposed to love me know matter what not just when the house was clean and dinner was on the table. So I would go cry to my friends and family about how mean he was and they fed into it and encouraged my bad feelings towards him.
Then I started listening to the Christian radio station and getting these crazy submitting ideas. I realized by not doing these things for him I was making him feel unloved. Which at the time I had no concept of that, I just figured he was a big boy why couldn't he clean up after himself and feed himself. I'm not his mom. I finally asked him one time how it made him feel and he said like I didn't care about him. So I started doing these things for him and oh my goodness, he started doing things for me that I used to have to nag him about. We started growing closer instead of apart. I quit talking about him to my friends and respecting him instead. Yes he still drives me crazy sometimes, but we are closer now and get over lifes bumps faster. I am very passionate about this because it saved my marriage and I see it in so many young marriages since I opened my eyes to my own mistakes. I think my generation of girls is very selfish and we don't even realize it, because we have only been fed womens lib. We never experienced what it was really like for the women before us. We just took it to the next level because we've always been taught men are pigs, we are just as strong and smart maybe even smarter, and we are always right. That is where I'm coming from, so need to to worry I'm a very happy submissive wife.
Farmgirl and mother of 2 |
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DaisyFarm
True Blue Farmgirl
1646 Posts
Diane
Victoria
BC
Canada
1646 Posts |
Posted - Feb 14 2007 : 8:52:16 PM
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Holly can you envision the way that Brenda must have felt when she was treated the way she was? The kick to her self-esteem and deep, DEEP hurt? It obviously didn't happen just one time.
"Kill him with kindness" ???? At what point would enough be enough?
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Love-in-a-Mist
True Blue Farmgirl
367 Posts
Shannon
Independence
Oregon
USA
367 Posts |
Posted - Feb 14 2007 : 9:34:06 PM
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I just read your post Brenda. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I would definintly try counseling or get a book to help you. Of course he would probably not go, but you could work on you. One time we were at a wedding reception and I was 7 months pregnant and had my 2 year old son. Well it was getting late and our son was tired and I couldn't hold him anymore. I told my husband probably 5 times it was time to go, but he was having fun drinking with the boys. Which he never gets to do. Finally he blew up at me and said he would find his own ride home. So I got in the truck and left him standing there looking at me like "What do I do now?" He cam home a few hours later and I couldn't stand laying next to him. So I packed up our son and went to my mom's house at like 3am. His mom happened to call me the next morning for something and I told her what happened. She told his Dad and he had a talk with my husband. I really scared him when I left, he realized how much he had to lose and of course we worked it all out after that. Could you leave for a few days and scare the pants off him?
Oh yeah this was before my submission days and one of the things that helped me realize how unloved he felt at home. I couldn't understand how he could do that to his son and pregnant wife he supposedly loved. Until I looked at things from his prospective. I'm happy to say nothing even remotely like this has happened again. I hope you find the right answer for you.
Farmgirl and mother of 2 |
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ArmyWifey
True Blue Farmgirl
712 Posts
Holly
Abilene
KS
712 Posts |
Posted - Feb 14 2007 : 9:48:41 PM
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Ummm yes I can envision it, more than you know, but is hurting him back really going to accomplish anything? I heard it said one time that bitterness is drinking posion hoping it will kill the other person.
Divorce simply isn't an option in our marriage - except for adultry or serious abuse. To many people want out these days because of misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Being an inconsiderate jerk isn't a reason to divorce someone -- is he cheating on you? Even that can be healed! I've seen it. Do boundaries need to be set? Some issues worked through? obviously. But divorce shouldn't be the first thing we jump to just because we are hurt; and by boundaries I don't mean ultimatum's or "if you....then I...." statements.
My husband has hurt me deeply in the past but forgiveness is more for me and my children than for him.
Trying to see things from his perspective often works wonders. I highly recommend the book "Men are like waffles, Women are like spaghetti" and yes it comes from a Christian perspective but it really helped me get a handle (or at least the beginings of one) on the differences in the way we think. I'm not saying that makes what he's doing right... but the old saying about two wrongs don't make a right still rings true.
just myho,
Holly
As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord!
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Edited by - ArmyWifey on Feb 14 2007 9:51:42 PM |
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jo Thompson
True Blue Farmgirl
603 Posts
Jo
the mountainside of the Chugach
in Alaska
USA
603 Posts |
Posted - Feb 14 2007 : 11:22:11 PM
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I would suggest another book for you, it's called "The Dance of Anger", it describes exactly the types of behavior you all have been depicting. It relates passive-aggressive behavior in relationships and how destructive and non-productive that behavior can be instead of direct communication. Alot of the women speaking on this thread have been where you are and I think we are a long way down that path. I am very grateful that I have reached a different level in my life. jo
"life is drab without a lab"
http://homepage.mac.com/thomja/Anchorage/PhotoAlbum15.html |
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brightmeadow
True Blue Farmgirl
2045 Posts
Brenda
Lucas
Ohio
USA
2045 Posts |
Posted - Feb 15 2007 : 05:26:23 AM
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Well, thanks to those that have offered sympathy and advice about the situation I painted, but I guess I wasn't clear enough- those things happened to me in what now seems like another lifetime. I divorced him. Yes, divorce was the answer.
10 years later the Catholic church granted me an "anulment" because my first husband had been previously married, officially recognizing that we had never had a spiritual marriage in the first place. Had he not been previously married it might have made it a more difficult situation.
I am very happily married now to a wonderful Catholic man who is an equal partner in our relationship - we don't have these issues. Ever! He is the nicest man in the whole world and he treats me like a queen. I thank God for leading me to him every day.
Mary Ann, you gave exactly the textbook answer and the one that my therapist suggested. You also pointed out, rightly, that it was the hurt and abandonment that was the real issue- I kept asking myself "what did I do wrong?" as if it mattered what I did or what kind of home I provided. What is wrong with me? was a question I constantly asked myself. Am I crazy? I wish the youarenotcrazy.com website had been available back then!
What happened was, when I gave him the ultimatum, he laughed at me, he didn't care, I stopped cooking for him altogether, I cooked for myself and my daughters, and he ate out.
The Sunday afternoon thing didn't work - Sundays were a special treat for us. (Sarcasm here, if you didn't pick it up from the text) If I went to church, he would not go, and when I got home he was gone. If I stayed home, he would play a game with us. He would offer to take us out to dinner, but I had to pick the restaurant when we got in the car. Then if it wasn't the restaurant he wanted, I would have to pick another one. We would end up driving around for an hour sometimes before I guessed the right restaurant. One time I remember in particular, after driving around for a while, he picked a piece of lint off my coat, starting calling me names like fat pig and sl*t, said I didn't take care of myself, and drove us home (without eating). I had trained myself not to cry because crying made him more abusive, but that time the tears were rolling down my face although no noise was coming out... He dumped us off at home and left, was gone until Monday after work.
In my case, I found out 10 years into my marriage through trying to stick with it, that he had a mistress the entire time we were married. He married her after our divorce, and now he has another mistress. He never admitted the affair to me, but when his new wife found out about his new mistress she called me and apologized, which was the final confirmation. Someone else mentioned denial in an earlier post. Well, I guess I was in denial. My point is, often the person being cheated upon is the last to know about the affair. And I found evidence of the affair in what I believe was an answer to prayer.
Adultery is justification for divorce in even the most conservative Christian sects - but what if it's a secret? You know you don't have a spiritual marriage, you just don't know why.
That is why I feared for Christine, because in her first posts she said a few things that really struck a chord with me.
"He drinks a beer or two on the way home, and doesn't abide by very many driving rules."
"He said he'd try to be back around lunch time, and here it is 3:30, and he said now he might be back by dark."
Obviously, if these things are occasional, they happen to all of us at one time or another. But if it is a pattern of behavior, it is definitely a symptom of abuse.
The more she explains, it is obvious that it is not the same situation that I endured for far too many years.
Here are a few more things she said in an earlier post that are also symptomatic of emotional abuse (again, if they are a pattern, and not occasional):
"He said I couldn't support myself, when I am the one who has lived on my own for several years, and he never has.
He says all the things I like are for 14 year olds, and I'm the immature one.
I know he has very little respect for me, and honestly, I can';t say that I have hardly any for him.
I've tried to get him to go to church with me.
My dad made a comment that Josh was just keeping me medicated so I wouldn't care about all the nonsense.
Maybe it's not depression? Maybe I'm bi polar, and thats why I can go from fine to fighting over something that wasnt just picture perfect a week ago??
Deep down, the garden thing to Josh is really neat, but he knows nothing about gardening or growing plants, so he's kind of unaccepting of something he knows nothing about."
Those are the things that she said that made alarm bells go off in my head DING DING DING DING. Check out the http:///www.youarenotcrazy.com web site and compare these statements to the symptoms they list. But this forum certainly doesn't give us the full picture! The more she explains, it sounds like this is not typical behavior for Josh.
Holly, you said divorce is not an answer except for adultery or serious abuse. Do you
really think that emotional abuse is not "serious" abuse? Believe me, it is. Don't belittle it. I don't mean to attack you, but don't be smug because you know that Christians don't get divorced. Don't you realize that I am also a Christian? A deeply committed Christian? It is very insulting to have my faith slammed because I got a divorce. And it really disturbs me that other women reading the comments here who might be in an abusive situation would stay in it because of similar comments.
Shortly after I got married, when I mentioned a few problems to a coworker who I thought was a friend - her response was, "you made your bed, now lie in it". I was afraid of what people would think for far too long.
I do not advocate people getting divorced lightly or for trivial reasons. But if one partner is not committed to making the marriage work, the other one CANNOT do it by themselves.
You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands - You shall be happy and it shall be well with you. -Psalm 128.2
Visit my blog at http://brightmeadowfarms.blogspot.com ,web site store at http://www.watkinsonline.com/fish or my homepage at http://home.earthlink.net/~brightmeadow |
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ArmyWifey
True Blue Farmgirl
712 Posts
Holly
Abilene
KS
712 Posts |
Posted - Feb 15 2007 : 08:06:16 AM
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Excuse me but I am not being smug in any sense of the word! I know what emotional abuse is because I've been through it as well.
See that's the prob with email -- no inflection or concern shows.
I never said you or anyone else isn't a Christain and I don't appreciate that implication as well.......I know Christain's who've been divorced, but I also know ones who haven't. My point was that all to often we are to quick to jump to that as the first resort instead of the last! You're right you CAN'T do it but God CAN. Yes there are times for divorce but again it shouldn't be the first option which is what is coming across in many of these posts --- oh you don't like the way he's treating you? You don't deserve that! Get out. You think I haven't had trying times in my marriage? PUHLEEZE! Don't still? OH yeah! But it's a commitment and to often these days even people in the Church/professing beleivers take it to lightly (not saying you did just that's the general point here).
I know way to many wives who give up cause hubby has to be gone, take thier husband for all thier worth, run up bills, drink & party, or run around with someone else on post while they are thinking I'll hurt him the way I hurt and it doesn't! To many go into marriage thinking it's all peaches and cream and not just plain old hard work at times! Wives who wish somebody would have told them before they got married there will be times when you won't like each other, when you wonder "Why on earth did I marry him?", when you hurt each other because only God can meet all your needs and not your husband or your wife because the other person comes with there own baggage as well, BUT it can be done in spite of all those things!
I would never tell someone to stay in a home where serious emotional or physical abuse is going on, or adultery (in your case it's the verse about your sins will find you out) weather it's obivous or not --- however I wouldn't tell them to divorce immediatly either but to try counseling and boundaries, etc because I've seen marriages healed that most people would have given up on long before (prob including me!).
Please go back and read all my posts before condeming me as well.
Holly
ps... and I am NOT one of those who beleives divorce is unpardonable or those who have should be shunned. My God is bigger than that.
As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord!
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Edited by - ArmyWifey on Feb 15 2007 08:18:53 AM |
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Love-in-a-Mist
True Blue Farmgirl
367 Posts
Shannon
Independence
Oregon
USA
367 Posts |
Posted - Feb 15 2007 : 08:29:19 AM
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Brenda I worried all morning thinking you thought I implied that you did something to deserve being treated like that. I got back on here to make sure you knew I wasn't blaming you for making him not want to come home. I'm glad you left him because that was serious and I really didn't have an answer for you. I will mind my own business now and get started on my bread making. I'm glad everything turned out well for you.
Farmgirl and mother of 2 |
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primjillie
True Blue Farmgirl
138 Posts
Jill
Antelope
CA
USA
138 Posts |
Posted - Feb 15 2007 : 08:31:26 AM
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| I don't understand when some people mention "serious" abuse - isn't all abuse serious? If is it bad enough to be considered abuse, I don't think it matters if it is serious or not, it is still abuse. And emotional or verbal abuse is just as bad as physical abuse and sometimes worse, so just because your husband isn't beating you, you can still be abused. I would hate to hear someone say they didn't leave their husband because they weren't being "seriously" abused. I am glad to hear the sentiments of some of these women who are strong and can stand up for themselves. I was getting a little worried reading some of the posts. I've always thought the advice about wanting your children to learn from your relationship helpful - would you want your daughter to live with a man and put up with whatever problems you might be having - that is to say what advice would you give your daughter (or son) if their spouse was treating them the way you were being treated. I hope that makes sense! |
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Horseyrider
True Blue Farmgirl
1045 Posts
Mary Ann
Illinois
1045 Posts |
Posted - Feb 15 2007 : 09:42:47 AM
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Oh Brenda, I'm so relieved to see that your dilemmas are part of the past! I was worried about you all night last night, and through chores this morning. I don't mean to minimize it by saying it was in the past; it had to have been very painful at the time. I'm just glad to see you don't have to live that life currently.
All those things I said really are the 'correct' way to approach such a situation, but it only works if the guy is receptive. Yours would not have been. Even as I knew I was saying the 'right' things, I felt hopeless and heartbroken for you. The same kind of guys who stay out drinking rarely respond to their partner in a caring adult manner.
Your story is quite a testimony, and I appreciate you sharing it.
I think a lot of us are getting hung up on definitions of words. What a good marriage consists of, what abuse consists of, and what women find acceptable in their relationships might work for one of us and not for another. Getting angry or splitting hairs over definitions can be a defense mechanism if one feels afraid that things aren't really what they should be, or if they feel like they have to justify their choices. It makes it easier to continue denial if one can feel affronted.
But anger is generally just another face of fear. Fear there's really nothing better in the future. Fear that he's right, you really are a loser/pig/b!tch/ugly. Fear that you really can't make it alone. Fear that your family, your community, or your God will think you bailed pointlessly or selfishly. When you know your marriage is terrific, you feel no fear and therefore no anger. If you find yourself angry at some of these things, perhaps it's time to look into your heart and reassess.
Leaving a marriage is easy to say, but so very difficult to do. The sense of loss, the grief for what might have been, the sense of social isolation and public failure can push many women into staying in less than satisfying marriages. I think we need to have sympathy and lend a shoulder to women who are faced with some of these less than perfect relationships, especially when they're problematic but she's just not ready or needing to walk out over it. Many times I've heard women say that they wished he'd just hit them, and make the decision more clear cut. We tend to want black and white, right or wrong easy solutions. Deciding to leave or deciding to stay can be very complicated and heart wrenching. We need the understanding of our sister farmgirls, not their censure. |
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babysmama
True Blue Farmgirl
931 Posts
Elizabeth
Iowa
931 Posts |
Posted - Feb 15 2007 : 12:06:04 PM
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| I'm not sor divorce either, because in the Bible it states that marriage is until "Death do you part". I am Catholic, and do believe in annulments when there is an actual case of deception or other good reason for considering the marriage invaliad (as in the case where your husband was married before). Don't get me wrong, I DO NOT think that a woman should put up with abuse and I totally agree with seperation when the marriage is a situation that will not improve and/or could cause harm to the wife/husband. And if a divorce is needed to obtain spousal or child support or other legal issues then so be it. BUT, in the last six or seven divorces that I have heard of from family and friends everything seemed to be okay with the marriage, then the wife found a new man, left her husband and then complained about how horrible her marriage had been. I can understand that there are some marriages where women keep silent and suffer without anyone knowing it but I think many women find a new man and then start making excuses about why they HAD to leave the marriage and why it was so bad. I'm not saying anyone on this board has done that, I just want to state that too many couples turn outside of their marriages when there is trouble. If a marriage is so bad then by all means leave, but don't find a new man and then decide it is time to leave! |
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Love-in-a-Mist
True Blue Farmgirl
367 Posts
Shannon
Independence
Oregon
USA
367 Posts |
Posted - Feb 15 2007 : 1:55:34 PM
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When I said the word serious I was not even thinking about abuse. I was thinking "serious relationship issues". I was not making light of any kind of abuse and a women as a perfectly good right to leave any kind of abusive situation. I do not believe she will be comdemned to hell or any such punishment.
But I do feel like marriage is taken lightly these days and people get out when things get hard. And by saying "when things get hard" I am not meaning any way, shape, or form of abuse. My posts have nothing to do with abuse. If you are being abused get out. I am not being abused just because my husband wants a clean house and dinner on the table. He works from sun up, til sun down, through the night, and for months straight with no days off sometimes. He is a hard working farmer, he deserves my respect and admiration and he has it. And if that man wants sex and I am tired I will muster up what ever strength I can and give it to him. Even if I'm not in the mood. Again I am not talking about being raped or abused. I do not nag him, I do not put him down, I treat him like a King. And when I started doing that he started treating me like his Queen. If I would of bailed when marriage didn't turn out how I expected, my life and children would have been miserable. All for the sake of being a strong independant woman, answering to no man. Again I am not talking about staying in any sort of abusive situatation.
Farmgirl and mother of 2 |
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Family Matters: Husband Problems |
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Husband Problems
