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Family Matters:  Husband Problems  |
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primjillie
True Blue Farmgirl
138 Posts
Jill
Antelope
CA
USA
138 Posts |
 Posted - Feb 06 2007 : 11:39:25 AM
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| I agree it's hard to tell how a person is saying something on the internet. I also agree everyone has a right to their own opinion - just don't tell me my opinion is wrong and don't tell me what I am thinking is wrong or how I might take another comment. I am entitled to my own thoughts, feelings and how I wish to interpret something. We all take things differently and we should leave that alone. Okay, I'm done now too! |
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jo Thompson
True Blue Farmgirl
603 Posts
Jo
the mountainside of the Chugach
in Alaska
USA
603 Posts |
Posted - Feb 07 2007 : 10:04:21 AM
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Libbie, is it ordinary that messages are deleted from here. I didn't find my post offensive, didn't mean it to be offensive, I was trying to lighten things up a wee bit actually..... I was just a little surprised if someone found that offensive?
"life is drab without a lab"
http://homepage.mac.com/thomja/Anchorage/PhotoAlbum15.html |
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jo Thompson
True Blue Farmgirl
603 Posts
Jo
the mountainside of the Chugach
in Alaska
USA
603 Posts |
Posted - Feb 07 2007 : 10:09:48 AM
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oops, I just realized that I was on page 5, sorry! I wasn't deleted after all!! Thanks for not deleting me after all! There's just been alot of passion on this post. I'm willing to listen to everyone's point of you, I just worry about all the different religious viewpoints in the world sometimes. Everyone seems to be shouting, no I'm right, no I'm right. I just want to love everyone for just who they are, every special one of you!! jo
"life is drab without a lab"
http://homepage.mac.com/thomja/Anchorage/PhotoAlbum15.html |
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jo Thompson
True Blue Farmgirl
603 Posts
Jo
the mountainside of the Chugach
in Alaska
USA
603 Posts |
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Libbie
Farmgirl Connection Cultivator
3579 Posts
Anne E.
Elsinore
Utah
USA
3579 Posts |
Posted - Feb 07 2007 : 4:26:57 PM
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Whoa - I thought for a minute that maybe I had done something in my sleep, Jo! I'm glad you found your post!
XOXO, Libbie
"Nothing is worth more than this day." - Goethe |
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primjillie
True Blue Farmgirl
138 Posts
Jill
Antelope
CA
USA
138 Posts |
Posted - Feb 08 2007 : 2:41:38 PM
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| I think the reason people got upset was that this topic really had nothing to do with religion. It was more about marriage. No one asked for religious advice or books to read and showed any interest in being converted. She was looking for advice on marriage. I assume she was looking for people with experience who could maybe advise her regarding her relationship and what might happen in the future. People practice religion in their own personal ways and are usually pretty defensive if someone tries to preach to them or change their ways. It is one thing to discuss religious beliefs, if that is the topic, but to spring it on people and insinuate that that their beliefs are the wrong ones, it does raise a few hackles. There are always books to back up a person's view one way or another and different people interpret books differently (including the bible). Beliefs are just that - beliefs. |
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laluna
True Blue Farmgirl
295 Posts
New York
USA
295 Posts |
Posted - Feb 08 2007 : 3:11:48 PM
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| I have to respectfully disagree with the notion that we all try to convert others. I personally hold to the "live and let live" philosophy. If someone asks my advice or opinion, that's one thing, and fine, I'll tell them what I think or what has worked for me. That still by no means should be taken by the individual that I believe that is what they *should* do or that I'm attempting to convert them or get them to change their ways. As long as no one is getting hurt by the actions of others, I'm of the belief that everyone who is an adult is capable of making their own decisions. However, the original post here was seeking advice, and it also seemed to me that there was, in fact, an injured party (and that is purely my opinion; I realize that not everyone saw it that way). Whether she was seeking religious guidance however, is really only something she knows inside herself. |
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ArmyWifey
True Blue Farmgirl
712 Posts
Holly
Abilene
KS
712 Posts |
Posted - Feb 08 2007 : 8:27:58 PM
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I wasn't trying to convert anyone.......just offering advice and since I have a Christian based worldview that world includes marriage. Sometimes people protest to much because they feel convicted and don't want to agree!
As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord!
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brightmeadow
True Blue Farmgirl
2045 Posts
Brenda
Lucas
Ohio
USA
2045 Posts |
Posted - Feb 13 2007 : 5:36:04 PM
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I put my two cents in near the beginning of this thread, then stepped out of the discussion. The thing that bothered me then, and still perturbs me, EVEN THOUGH IT MAY NOT APPLY TO THIS SPECIFIC CASE, is that too many times women who are in an abusive situation will stay in the situation because of the fear that their family, friends and neighbors and fellow church-goers will condemn them as not being a good "Christian" if they seek a divorce or separation, even to the point that they are in fear of their life.
I don't think I made my point very well that it is important for Christians (and other good people!) to support the victim when she is considering ending abusive relationships, not encouraging continuation and escalation of the abuse. It would pay every one of us to become more aware of the signs of abuse, including emotional abuse. It is far more common than you may think. If you have never experienced it, then you are blessed, but please take this opportunity to become more informed. Maybe a friend or neighbor is living with a situation that you aren't aware of.
Christine, please, I am not talking about your specific situation! Just in general!
I carried around a newspaper clipping, a letter to the editor, in my calendar for several years. A local mental health professional listed 10 signs of emotional abuse in the letter - and I found myself identifying with all but one or two of them. The scary thing was, she wrote the letter in response to a local event that had traumatized our community.
A local family doctor, well respected, with hundreds and hundreds of patients who loved him, had his wife turn up missing. Her name was Noreen Boyle. Her body was eventually found under the patio of the new house they had built in Erie Pennsylvania. There was plenty of evidence to convict him, including his young son hearing a "thump" against his bedroom wall on the night she went missing. This happened just as our local TV station was starting out, and they covered the trial live all day and all night long (reality TV, I guess...) At any rate it turned out there had been emotional abuse for years and it was escalating.
The really weird thing is, I cannot find but one mention of this anywhere on the internet.
This whole episode was what finally made me wake up and realize what was going on in my own life. I carried that letter for years because it reminded me of WHY I got a divorce. I would love to include it here, unfortunately I think I finally threw it away when I came to the point of being far enough away to start the healing and forgiveness process. But the information and checklists are available many places on the web as well as in books or through a counselor. There is good information on emotional abuse at http://www.youarenotcrazy.com
You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands - You shall be happy and it shall be well with you. -Psalm 128.2
Visit my blog at http://brightmeadowfarms.blogspot.com ,web site store at http://www.watkinsonline.com/fish or my homepage at http://home.earthlink.net/~brightmeadow |
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Love-in-a-Mist
True Blue Farmgirl
367 Posts
Shannon
Independence
Oregon
USA
367 Posts |
Posted - Feb 13 2007 : 10:07:13 PM
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Wow I finally made it to the end of all these posts.
One thing I want to point out is Christine is obviously religous. So what Past Blessings and Faith had to say to her really did apply.
I got married at 21 and had my first baby at 22. I'm now 26 with 2 babies. It has been very very hard and I have definitly thought about divorce. The only thing that has kept me going is applying the things that Past Blessings suggested about having a servant's heart and changing yourself. I'm finding out that I am the one in control of the marriage(as most women are) just by changing a few things that I do. Like making sure dinner is on the table, making his favorite foods, getting things done before he asks me, having sex when I don't always feel like it. You know what your husband likes and what makes him happy. And by all means do not nag him. It messes with his ego and he will do the opposite. Just doing these kinds of things will change your husband and your whole marriage. Try it for a week and see what happens. I'm telling you it works it's amazing and I promise you won't even feel like a door mat. Also I don't think you are in an abusive situation unless the drinking gets worse and he starts with drugs again. Your marriage sounds like mine and all of my young friends' you just need to learn to communicate better. As I still am.
And I think you should start your own savings account and not tolerate any drug or alcohol abuse at all. If that continues get out. I'll be praying for you.
Farmgirl and mother of 2 |
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jo Thompson
True Blue Farmgirl
603 Posts
Jo
the mountainside of the Chugach
in Alaska
USA
603 Posts |
Posted - Feb 13 2007 : 11:35:23 PM
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Oh my, you girls worry me........... making sure dinner is on the table??? I really do need to say something and then I promise I'll mind my own business.... My husband makes me dinner when I'm really tired, unloads the dishwasher before I get up in the morning. I do the same when he's really busy, we take care of each other........
"I am the one in control of the marriage", I gasped when I read that, just think what that sentence implies........ Marriage is not about controlling one another.
I have to promise myself I won't read this area anymore! It worries me the kind of thinking I've been reading here, we need to value ourselves more!
"life is drab without a lab"
http://homepage.mac.com/thomja/Anchorage/PhotoAlbum15.html |
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DaisyFarm
True Blue Farmgirl
1646 Posts
Diane
Victoria
BC
Canada
1646 Posts |
Posted - Feb 14 2007 : 12:56:00 AM
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I just pulled my chin off my chest...my mind is boggled. I couldn't agree more with you Jo. And I also very much agree with Brenda's first couple paragraphs...she had the guts to say what I was thinking.
There was a time when I had a house to keep up and three small girls, one a newborn, that my husband would come home from working all day and make dinner. Did he like it? Probably not. Did he mind? Not in the least. Did he understand? Absolutely. With the exception of nursing, he also attended to the little ones on weekends while I mowed the lawn or worked in the garden to give us both a change of pace.
Today is different. The house is cleaned and laundry done every day. During the winter months when it's slower on the farm, he has his dinner on the table when he gets home. In the summer months, he recognizes that I do run the farm by myself and he pitches in to help where he can...sometimes on the other end of a vaccum cleaner too.
We value each other and we value ourselves. We've been married 31 years this year.
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Horseyrider
True Blue Farmgirl
1045 Posts
Mary Ann
Illinois
1045 Posts |
Posted - Feb 14 2007 : 04:59:02 AM
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Shannon, after reading your post I find myself gasping for breath. I have to go do chores right now and I need to think.
(((((HUGS))))) |
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Horseyrider
True Blue Farmgirl
1045 Posts
Mary Ann
Illinois
1045 Posts |
Posted - Feb 14 2007 : 07:12:36 AM
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Okay, I think maybe I can be more coherent now.
PleasepleasePLEASE understand that what I'm about to say is NOT an attack on you, your lifestyle, your marriage or your God. Please know that. I just want to see if maybe you could allow yourself to see things, just for a moment, in a little different light.
I'm 52 years old. When I was a young woman, I was raised to believe things very similar to what you said. Something deep inside told me that this wasn't quite fair, but perhaps maybe the way the world worked. It went along with other similar beliefs in those days like only men could be doctors and only women could be nurses. Men were heads of households because somebody had to be. I truly didn't know any better, and neither did my parents. They only knew what they were taught, too. But something deep inside told me that this really wasn't quite fair or right, although I couldn't put my finger on it.
After a disastrous first marriage I went back to school. It was the seventies, and women on the college campuses all over the nation had something called Consciousness Raising Sessions. Mostly it was women sitting around talking over coffee or a glass of wine and examining many of the old stereotypes. They were called Consciousness Raising Sessions because so very many of the assumptions that women like me held were unconscious. We simply didn't think about them; we just did them. It wasn't until we began to question the 'whys' that we found that many of these things were dysfunctional, or the expectations around them were dysfunctional. We were settling for a lot less of the richness and beauty that can be found in marriage and being women.
Sometimes giving up those old stereotypes, or listening to how we'd cheated ourselves or allowed ourselves to be cheated, was very painful.
I think that part of the reason two successful versions of The Stepford Wives have been out is because they strike a resonating chord in our culture. It's as if many men had their way they would reprogram us into 1950's caricatures of what they imagine good wives should be. They would be dressed perfectly and made up perfectly and keep a perfectly spotless house and serve perfect meals exactly as their men would like at the perfect time, raise perfect children with perfect report cards who run to the driveway shouting "Daddy Daddy!" as the guy comes home. The wives always smile and never question where their husband's been or what he's done, have no input in to where they live or what they do, are not allowed to have an equal voice in determining their future, and sit quietly with hands folded while the man tells her what she'll do and say, where she'll live and who she'll see.
Many men balked at the idea of surrendering traditional roles and controls. They were afraid. They'd tell their wives they weren't smart enough, when actually they feared that they'd outshine them. Or they just flat wanted it their way and didn't give a rat's patoot what she wanted, as long as they got their way like a petulant child. If she had ideas of her own, they were met with friction, derisive comments, or a wall of refusal to acknowledge them. Some women's hearts broke and their spirits withered. Others decided to get strong.
I remember seeing a tee shirt that said "Men of Quality are Not Intimidated by Women Who Seek Equality."
I am so very saddened that the cultural doors that women of my generation worked to open for ourselves, our daughters and granddaughters are not being enjoyed by some women today. It's like Stepford Wives Book Two; the men are happy to now take the earnings at the forty hour job (or child care duties of a SAHM) but not extend himself to help her like an equal or to understand and deal with the dilemmas of her day. Book Two husbands come home and sit in the LaZBoy and watch TV while the wife struggles with dinner, dishes, homework, packing lunches for the next day, laundry, putting little ones to bed, etc. Even if he does a few of these things, it's not shared equally. He still tells her what she'll do and who she'll see and how she's all wrong. He often limits himself to traditional male home front duties like cutting the grass or taking out the trash and thinks he deserves a medal for doing this while working a forty hour week. I have always been astonished at this. The only duties that are truly gender based are procreation; the rest is just generic WORK. Not men's work or women's work; it's just WORK.
Shannon, I worry for you. Now you work so hard to fulfill this real or imagined criteria to satisfy him, and I hear a frantic tone in your voice. You're trying so hard but I fear that eventually he'll decide that it's not enough; you're not doing it right or it's not fast enough or the right food or prepared right or something. And if I thought much about any woman providing sex when she'd really rather not I would weep, so I won't go there. Prayer does help lift the tension sometimes, and I'll never discount the power of prayer. But I also recall a phrase from those years that went like this: "Never have a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be."
When exactly does he have a servant's heart toward you? When does he submit to your wishes? Is it equal and fair, give and take, in matters large and small? And I mean the kind of give and take where both of you do it, not the woman giving and the man taking most all of the time. Can you honestly say that it is? Can you honestly say that you are heard, and that he responds in kind?
I believe that each one of us as little girls have a special spark of light inside. It's what makes us each a unique and precious Child of God. Sometimes as we grow up we make choices where we allow others to dim that spark. Don't let that happen! Don't let anyone, any man dim your beautiful God given light.
(((((HUGS))))) |
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a rose
True Blue Farmgirl
443 Posts
Linda
Waterford
NY
USA
443 Posts |
Posted - Feb 14 2007 : 07:24:53 AM
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To love is a decision. If you love your spouse you love the good and tolerate the bad. If you want the marriage to work, you work through the bad and savor the good. If you don't love your spouse then you leave. I have been married 44 years and I have gone through a lot of bad in our younger years. There is only person to get me through it and He answered my prayers in His time. I am now enjoying my good years with the man I fell in love with when we were 15, the man I had good and bad time with. Oh yes, He is not a religion. He is my Creator.
Remember me as a rose. |
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ArmyWifey
True Blue Farmgirl
712 Posts
Holly
Abilene
KS
712 Posts |
Posted - Feb 14 2007 : 08:11:46 AM
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Serving one another is not a bad thing. You serve one another because you love each other.......it's my job to keep the house running smoothly, homeschool the kids(a joint decision), and do the things necessary to keep my end of things up. It's his to provide and save the world in the process! ;) Yes I get tired and grumpy sometimes but that doesn't change my responsibilities. Sometimes serving/loving my husband means doing things I may not feel like at that moment but it always turns around my attitude when I do.
I heard it asked once "Do you carry your responisibilites like a bunch of roses (privliges/blessings) or like a bunch of rocks?" Kinda puts things in perspective for me.
No one has said to stay in an abusive relationship - if your husband is trying to kill you that's a whole nother story than he just irritates you. My sil needs a divorce as her hubby took off to Guam with some woman he met online. That's a reason for divorce not a hubby who doesn't do things the way you want (ouch!) which is the main reason for divorce these days -- two people unwilling to give up anything for the other imho.
Marriage is never equal or fair -- one partner will always be doing more. But when is anything in live equal or fair?
As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord!
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Edited by - ArmyWifey on Feb 14 2007 08:12:45 AM |
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Horseyrider
True Blue Farmgirl
1045 Posts
Mary Ann
Illinois
1045 Posts |
Posted - Feb 14 2007 : 09:06:25 AM
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quote:
Marriage is never equal or fair -- one partner will always be doing more. But when is anything in live equal or fair?
Ahh, but that's not really true. It's equal and fair in my house. Sometimes one falters and the other willingly and wordlessly picks up the slack. It's part of loving one another. His burdens are mine, and mine are his. They're much lighter that way. |
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ArmyWifey
True Blue Farmgirl
712 Posts
Holly
Abilene
KS
712 Posts |
Posted - Feb 14 2007 : 09:07:51 AM
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well that's true however it isn't still equal - sometimes his burdens are heavier and sometimes yours are. kwim? It's exactly that attitude of willingly picking up the slack that seems to be getting slammed here and is what submission is all about.
As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord!
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DaisyFarm
True Blue Farmgirl
1646 Posts
Diane
Victoria
BC
Canada
1646 Posts |
Posted - Feb 14 2007 : 10:27:07 AM
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Mary Ann I'm going to print your post and show it to each of my daughters. Not that they need it, it's just so accurate and true.
It's about equality in this house...sharing and caring and helping...mentally, physically and emotionally. Submission??? That word doesn't even enter into the equation...unless that means I stop weeding long enough to hold a board that he needs to saw.
Maybe I misunderstand and I'm more than willing to take back what I'm saying here if I'm wrong...but Shannon your situation saddens and frightens me. Your written words sound like you are running as fast as you can to try and make peace and save your marriage. Honey, you are worth far more than being a servant. If your marriage doesn't make you feel good about YOU, then it needs a closer look.
Speaking for myself, I only get one shot at this journey called life and I'm sure not going to live mine being submissive and serving somebody else to make theirs better! Nor do I expect or want anyone to do that for me. It's about dignity and self-worth.
Diane
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babysmama
True Blue Farmgirl
931 Posts
Elizabeth
Iowa
931 Posts |
Posted - Feb 14 2007 : 10:51:23 AM
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I didn't have time to read through all seven pages of posts but did read the first and last page. I am so sorry that your marriage is hurting and hope that some things have worked themselves out this past month. A lot of what you mentioned sounds like someone who has not learned yet how to love and is too selfish...not toallty typical of a 22 year old but sometimes to be expected in a man so young. I think much of what you mentioned can be fixed/healed by going to couples counseling or something of the sort. It's not time to drop out of the marriage before trying to start some healing. Try first and see what becomes of your marriage.
I have been married for almost six years. I was married when I was 18 and my husband was 23. It hasn't been easy and there have been many times when I think "What have I done?!" but it's all things that can be worked on. Neither my husband nor I was mature when we got married and through the years things have gotten better. Much of what you wrote could/can apply to my marriage but I can see a light at the end of the tunnel and know that things can get better, as long as we both work really hard on this.
Now to reply about the stero-type of marriage. I, personally, believe that a woman's place in the marriage is to be a help meet to the husband. This comes from a Biblical perspective so not everyone will agree with that statement, but as a Christian I believe that women were created to be a helpmeet. That does not mean that men should rule over us or be our master. Abuse should never be tolerated. Men should pitch in when help is needed and we are not to be servents to our husbands. BUT, when you love someone you want to please the other person and doing kind things for that person is a need. I am a stay-at-home mom and my husband works a hard 40 hour a week job (and is on call 24/7 if something happens to pop up at work). I try to make the house comfortable so that when he comes home he can relax. I try to have healthy meals and snacks ready for him. I try to have his clothes washed and put away, etc. As a mother at home all day I don't expect him to come home and cook and clean. I think that it is "my" job. That said, there are times that I need help. A mother's job is 24/7 and I can use a break sometimes too. He does come home and play with the kids and sometimes gives them their evening bath. On weekends when I am behind on cleaning he pitches in to help. He doesn't expect me to have the house sparkling clean and supper waiting on the table, so when it isn't done he doesn't complain...because if he does he knows that I'll tell him to do it! What I mean to say is that women and men are not equals. Neither is better than one another but both are different. Men can not give birth and women are not usually physically stronger. There are things that men and women can do differently and I think that God had a purpose in creating men and women differently. |
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jo Thompson
True Blue Farmgirl
603 Posts
Jo
the mountainside of the Chugach
in Alaska
USA
603 Posts |
Posted - Feb 14 2007 : 10:53:55 AM
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What I do appreciate about the last posts is that we are finally reaching into the meat of all this. Diane thanks so much!! Mary Ann, brilliant. Finally, none of this has to do with faith. It is all about understanding your self worth, teaching THAT to your children, respect, dignity. We need to raise daughters that are self reliant so that they are not "trapped" in relationships with men who do not value them.
"Men of quality are not intimidated by women who seek equality", that is a beautiful statement.
Shannon, I know that you think by doing what you're doing will help your marriage. In the long run, it will destroy it, if you don't respect yourself to not do what you're doing, your husband will never respect you. It took me 19 years to realize, that if I hadn't let myself become a door mat I wouldn't have been treated like one.
Diane, Shannon, thanks so much for speaking up, you are so eloquent!
"life is drab without a lab"
http://homepage.mac.com/thomja/Anchorage/PhotoAlbum15.html |
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laluna
True Blue Farmgirl
295 Posts
New York
USA
295 Posts |
Posted - Feb 14 2007 : 11:07:39 AM
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I am trying so hard to keep it in check here, but the one thing I absolutely *have* to respond to is this line: Also I don't think you are in an abusive situation unless the drinking gets worse and he starts with drugs again. At the risk of offending anyone and everyone here, this is clearly a statement of ignorance. An abusive situation can be so much more or beyond drinking and drugs. It can be emotional, physical, sexual, spiritual, and so on, and it's *always* about power and control. Unless you've lived it, you cannot possibly know, and that's after getting out from a state of denial.
It also makes me sad actually that this is what the marriages of many of your young friends are like (dinner on the table...issues of who's "in control"). Maybe it's an "age-thing," but I was really hoping that all the work of the women who came before us was to prevent just this sort of mindset.
Thank you Maryann and Jo for articulating more of what I'm feeling inside but am too stunned to put together coherently. I'm sure I've offended some, but then I guess there's a reason I posted that punk-roc-grrl picture of myself from Halloween in the "what you look like" thread. *sigh* |
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Libbie
Farmgirl Connection Cultivator
3579 Posts
Anne E.
Elsinore
Utah
USA
3579 Posts |
Posted - Feb 14 2007 : 11:40:26 AM
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Okay, farmgirls - I have noticed that everyone has their own, usually strong, opinions and thoughts on the matter of how a marriage should "be" for those involved. "Fairness," "abuse" and "equality" are loaded words. They mean different things to different people, arguing over whose definition is "right" (another loaded one!) is usually unfruitful.
So let me ask you all a few questions about it - How do you keep your relationship in a state that you view as "on track?" How do you keep things running smoothly? How do you make it better instead of focusing on how it's worse? What advice would you give to someone as to how THEY could IMPROVE things in a relationship?
XOXO, Libbie
"Nothing is worth more than this day." - Goethe |
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Horseyrider
True Blue Farmgirl
1045 Posts
Mary Ann
Illinois
1045 Posts |
Posted - Feb 14 2007 : 12:07:37 PM
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Libbie, you're right. Nobody is helped by feeling insulted or attacked. And you're right that many of these words have different definitions and meanings to different people. My intentions here were never to hurt anyone. If I have done that, I apologize.
You ask how I keep my relationship in a state I view as "on track." After nearly thirty years of marriage, we know each other pretty well. I believe in that statement "We teach others how to treat us." If he does something or says something that I don't like, I tell him that I'm hurt or angry or upset about it, but I do it in a non-accusing way. This man truly cares how I feel, and would do anything in the world to spare me any hurt. If I say something like "When you said that the house was a wreck, I felt judged," he would likely come back with "Oh gosh, I'm sorry; I was picking on me as much as you. I helped make the mess." And I'd get a hug and an offer to clean up together.
How do I keep things running smoothly? By communicating frequently how I feel and what's important to me, and staying receptive to that which he says.
How do I make it better instead of focusing on how it's worse? As I said before, I believe we teach people how to treat us. I am a precious Child of God, as is he. I give him respect and deference, and I expect the same from him.
What advice would I give to someone as to how they could improve things in a relationship? Hold yourself in high esteem. Love yourself and be respectful of yourself. Know you are precious and beautiful, and have a birthright to a full and glorious life rich in love and tender kindness. DON'T settle for anything less; teach people how to treat you. Teach your husband, your in-laws, your parents, brothers and sisters, your children and your neighbors, and never settle for less. When you find your self worth, others will too.
I hope that's a bit more constructive. |
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_Rebecca_
True Blue Farmgirl
568 Posts
Rebecca
OK
USA
568 Posts |
Posted - Feb 14 2007 : 12:37:26 PM
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I speak for only myself and my husband who have been married for 10 years. (I'm not an expert in any marriage except for my own). Here is my list for keeping things running smoothly.
1. Boot your parents from your marriage. Girl, if you have not cut the ties from mom & dad, don't expect your husband to stand up to the plate.
2. Watch out for cycles. If you find that you build up into fights about the same things over and over, you've got a cycle going. Watch out for your selfishness with this. It will get you every time.
3. Pride cometh before a fall. I don't care who you are, this is a difficult thing to deal with. There isn't any pride in love, so just get that out of your system! : )
4. Be real honest with yourself about how you relate to authority in your life. Do you balk at it? Do you try to cheat the system? Are you manipulative? What are your little games that you play? We have all kinds of tricks up our sleeves when we want to get our way don't we?
5. Admit your mistakes and move on.
6. Seek out good balanced couples around you to observe.
7. Treat your husband like your husband and not another girlfriend. View him as head of the home, not your woobie. If you want to vent/rant call a friend. She will empathize with you. Men usually try to fix the problem.
8. Men are physical, then mental, then emotional. Sorry that's just the way they are made. Most men just don't get why you are so upset. You have to be sensitive to that fact. (don't try to turn your man into a woman) This is especially true if his mom liked or likes to use emotional blackmail.
9. Keep a journal and track when you are feeling on edge, pmsing, out of sorts. You can head off lots of problems this way if you know what's coming.
10. A critical wife will NOT get her husband to open up about things.
.·:*¨¨* :·.Rebecca.·:*¨¨* :·.
Wife of Jonathan, Mother of Joel, Caitlyn, Elia, Nathanael |
Edited by - _Rebecca_ on Feb 15 2007 08:13:26 AM |
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Family Matters: Husband Problems |
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Husband Problems
