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Family Matters:  I tried...  |
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FARMALLChick
True Blue Farmgirl
978 Posts
Lora
Alexandria
IN
USA
978 Posts |
 Posted - Oct 27 2014 : 2:43:52 PM
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I just need to vent this as it is eating me up. This may offended some of you and for that, I am sorry. If only we could choose our family. When I was 3 my parents divorced. He had been cheating and she got fed up. I would see him every now and then and on some holidays. He moved around a lot trying to avoid paying child support. When I was 15, I went to visit him in Alabama. He made a LOT of promises about my visit, but nothing transpired and I finally confronted him. We were toe to toe and I wasn't backing down. I think that scared him and he raised his fist to punch me. I stood my ground and looked him in the eye and instead of punching me, he punched a hole in a door. I told him I never wanted to see him again. I was on the first plane back to Indianapolis.
I had seen him a couple of times over the years, but it was very cold and awkward. Fast forward to 2008. My step-father passed away and my son lost his grandpa. We tried to find surrogate grandpa figures but nothing panned out. Then 2 years ago, my own grandpa was in failing health. I decided that I would try to put my past behind me and reconnect with my dad for my son's sake. He needed a grandpa. (my FIL died 2 years before my son was born in case you were wondering) I had my brother make the first contact. We went to my dad's house for Christmas that year. I thought things were going to roll along smoothly, but I was quickly reminded of how much of an a$$ my dad really is. We were supposed to go to his place for Easter dinner, but the night before, my stepmother called and said he had gotten so drunk he was falling down. She said she didn't think she could pull off an entire dinner with him hung over and grumpy. Easter was cancelled. Instantly the past came racing forward. I was angry- so angry I made some comments of facebook - no names just some remarks about family and drinking.
Again I tried to push it back and continued to go up his house so my son could get to know him. I wanted to punch him in the face, but, well, you know....
Fast forward again to late July of this year. My stepmother wanted to have the kids - my son and my ex-stepsister's kids (from his last marriage) up for a weekend. My son had his hopes way up there because he was going to get to go fishing and swimming. Right before the said date - stepmother texted and said it was cancelled because the people who live next door were having a family reunion and there would be too many people. They live on a lake and each family has their own house and property, right?! I said "It's sad when your neighbors dictate when your own family can visit. Not the kind of neighbors I would want." I was mad. My son was crushed. My mama bear came out and I let loose.
She came back with "Don't judge until you know the whole story, dear."
Well that set me off too....I replied "Emotions cannot be shown in texts but that sentence came off as patronizing. Anyway. [My son] will driving soon enough and he will want to spend more time with his friends. He's even said he feels Susan's kids are way more important to you two than he is. Says he stays with Sam (a neighbor girl) because the 3 always have your attention and feels like he's an obligation. He's also upset because somebody told him you were moving to Texas. So when "others" get in the way of him having quality time, it bothers me. And trying to keep a weekend open because you may or may not be available, well that goes way back to someone saying they were going to spend time with us, but then decided at the last minute it wasn't convenient. It doesn't set well. Been through therapy for it too."
She came back with "Sorry, can we make it next week. We have a nurse quitting, but I might be available"
Me: "It's not that one week made a diff. It's that it may or may not be open. It's really hard to plan things on 'mays or may nots' I understand that work is the deciding factor. The same is true for us with farming and putting up hay. We have to work when the weather is nice and since June was way wetter than usual, we r way behind on baling."
Her: "All I texted was that I was rethinking it, but I do believe he made wise decision....? Also perhaps [my son] had those feelings because we are more familiar with Susan's kids? If nothing else, I can def say I see no 'pets' in the bunch from either of us. My parents weren't that way and I abhor special treatment."
Then my father chimed in.....He called and left a voice mail - something to the effect "I guess I made a mistake. Don't be mad at Nancy."
I fired back: "Obviously I am the one who made a mistake. I got upset over something that happened over 30 years ago that I guess I should be over by now. Knowing your own father would rather raise someone else's kids over his own leaves no lasting scars. Divorce is no big deal...nobody gets hurt or left behind. Nobody has feelings of worthlessness because they had no one to build their confidence or tell them they were worth it and that they weren't a misfortunate error in judgement. My bad."
Him: "I am sorry I am having a little trouble reading your message I really don't know which way to go with it. It can be be taken either way. I feel like you are still mad at me for divorcing your mother even thought I tried to keep you in my life you told me to stay away. When Andy (my brother) and I were getting along really good and we talked weekly or biweekly I always asked about you. Always. I have trouble coming up with the right things to say. I want you and [my son] and your family in my life. I do not always do the right thing. Nobody does. I will not, however, walk on eggshells. I am the one who told Nancy to no about this weekend and more she thought about it she agreed with me. so please do not be mad at her. Too many years have separated us. You have lived your life and I have lived mine to the best of my ability. If you and I want this to work out then we both have to give and take then we need to talk."
Now I am so mad I am seeing red...Me: 'I never once asked you to walk on eggshells and I sure as Hell wouldn't ask you to start now. You live your life and I will live mine. I let you back in for [my son], not for me, but I will be damned if I will let him get hurt. He told me how he felt and I passed it on. I understand his feelings and I won't dismiss them. You two are the ones who said you wanted to be better grandparents I just didn't realize it was a convenience thing. [my son] has gotten the sh*tty end of the stick when it comes to grandparents and I thought you two might be able to show him how grandparents are supposed to act. He just wanted to go fishing and get to know you better. You know, some one to one time. He didn't know it had to be all the kids of none. I didn't know that was the rule either until yesterday. My feelings won't be mentioned again."
End.
That was in July. I haven't spoken to either of them since. I asked my brother about the phone calls and asking about me. He said it never happened. And the part where I told him to stay away - I was fifteen when I said that. What about from the time I was three until then? Where was he then?
We found out on our last day of vacation in mid October that Nancy is indeed moving to Texas to be with her daughter and grandson because her daughter is getting a divorce. She posted it on facebook. So much for no special treatment. I am supposed to be happy that my parents got divorced, but her daughter needs her mommy. I could give a rats behind that my parents divorced. It's how my dad handled the whole thing. I know my mother is nuts. I would have divorced her too. He only married her because he thought he would be rolling in money. When he found out that Grandpa wasn't handing it over, he started cheating to find another sugar mama. He cheated with my mother's cousin before he found the woman he eventually married.
My son cried when he read the post. His words "I wish I had never met her."
I told him to write to her and tell her how he felt, but don't be hateful, just be honest. He did.(I proof read it before he sent it) She wrote back, but it was a waste of words in my opinion.
I realize this is long and heavy, but it's been bothering me and I needed to vent. I know some of you have read about some of this crap before, but it's all connected. I also realize it sounds a bit whiney, b*tchy, hateful, jealous, and cynical. My son has no grandparents now except for this idiot and he's heartbroken. I don't know how to fill that void. I guess all I can do is be there for him. Thanks for 'listening'- it means a lot to be able to dump once in awhile.
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway" -John Wayne
www.farmallchick.blogspot.com www.farmallchickphotos.blogspot.com |
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hudsonsinaf
True Blue Farmgirl
3162 Posts
Shannon
Rozet
Wyoming
USA
3162 Posts |
Posted - Oct 27 2014 : 3:14:57 PM
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Lora - all I can say is I am so sorry and to give you (((hugs))) through the forum. I will most definitely be praying for you, your son, and this situation!!!
~ Shannon
http://hudson-everydayblessings.blogspot.com/ |
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laurzgot
True Blue Farmgirl
1669 Posts
Laurie
Alvin
Texas
USA
1669 Posts |
Posted - Oct 27 2014 : 7:39:17 PM
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Lora, So sorry for you and your son. My prayers and hugs go out to you and your son. Just a suggestion- you might want to check out churches in your area for seniors to mentor youth or maybe Big Brothers or something like that. Stay strong Lora and be there for your son. Big Hugs. Just a few thoughts.
"Smile and be yourself everyday"
Country girl at heart
Laurie
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sjmjgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
566 Posts
Stephanie
Mt. Vernon
Iowa
USA
566 Posts |
Posted - Oct 27 2014 : 8:35:28 PM
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So sorry for you both. I went through a similar thing because my son has pretty much grown up without a dad in his life. Thank goodness I was lucky enough to have my dad and my son's step grandpa (along with other males in the family) to help fill the void. I won't pretend to know the whole story and I won't pretend to be a relationship expert, but I can see that you are still very angry and hurt. You have every right to be. One thing I have learned is that sometimes you have meet people where they are in life. Your dad will, unfortunately, probably never be the person you want or need him to be. Just like my son's dad will never be the person I or my son want/need him to be. I have, after many years, learned not to expect certain things of him. We now try to get those things from other places and people in our lives. I am much more peaceful and content and so is my son. I do have my moments, though.
Lora, I am keeping you and your family in my prayers and I hope that things get better. Please let us know how things are going. Many hugs!
Farmgirl Sister # 3810
Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
- Dalai Lama
April is Autism Awareness month. Autism affects 1 in 88 children (1 in 54 boys, including my son). Go to http://www.autismspeaks.org/ to learn more and help Light It Up Blue on April 2nd!
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notathreatinsight
True Blue Farmgirl
626 Posts
Erin
Monroeville
IN
USA
626 Posts |
Posted - Oct 28 2014 : 4:13:18 PM
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Lora I'm so sorry. I know how you feel, although not quite the depth of it. My parents divorced also but not until 4 years ago. I was very close to my dad. He was close to my sons (who were 3 and 1 at the time). We grew up in the Baptist church, very active, and didn't find out until 5 years ago he had been cheating on my mom for 10 years. He was never violent, never even threatened violence, so I can't relate to that, but when I confronted him about the whole cheating thing, he was as mad as I've ever seen him. Meaner than he'd ever been to me. I didn't talk to him for 2 years. I let him back in, like you did, for my kids. That's the only reason though. I feel so bad for you and your son. It sucks, because dads, and grandfathers, ideally they would be the rock of the family. My sister struggles a lot with my parents divorce still (she's 7 years younger than me, not that that matters a whole lot), and I just told her the other day ... of course we would change them both if we could, but we can't, all we can do is look at them, how they got where they are today, and say "that will never be me"... I think sometimes that's all you can do. At least in my case it is. I'll be praying for you and your son.
Erin
Farmgirl #3762
"I'm so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers." - Anne Shirley
http://www.etsy.com/shop/femmepostale/
http://www.pinterest.com/femmepostale/ |
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Red Tractor Girl
True Blue Farmgirl
6592 Posts
Winnie
Gainesville
Fl
USA
6592 Posts |
Posted - Oct 29 2014 : 4:43:49 PM
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Lora, I am so sorry you have ben through years of heartache and disappointment! I hope brighter days are ahead for you and your son as well. Sending you some extra Farmgirl hugs!!
Winnie #3109
Red Tractor Girl
Farm Sister of the Year 2014 |
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Ruby V
True Blue Farmgirl
220 Posts
Ruby
Chilliwack
BC
Canada
220 Posts |
Posted - Oct 30 2014 : 12:39:22 AM
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I'm sorry that you and your son have had to go thru such a sad situation. I guess if it were me, at this point, I'd just totally write them off. It's just not worth the stress it puts on you and your son. I'm sending good wishes your way! Please keep us posted on how things are going for you.
Ruby ~ Sister #3597 |
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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl
7577 Posts
Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7577 Posts |
Posted - Oct 30 2014 : 03:36:52 AM
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Lora, when I read your post the other day, I was brought to tears. I know all too well what you're going through, and my heart was burning for you and your son. You have been on my mind ever since, and I am praying for both of you - even your dad, because he is so lost and his behavior causes him to really lose out on and deeply harm the best part of his life: both of you. I so hope and pray for healing in your relationship, but even moreso, that you find a place of joy and peace whether he becomes a healthy father to you or not. It is so unfair and cruel that he has denied you the love and care that you so deserve. That is such a hard thing with which to grow up, not to mention with which to come to terms. Always, always, always remember that this is YOUR life and you really do have control. Happiness is always found within ourselves, and we always have control over the things that we do and allow in to bring us that happiness. I surround myself with people who love me and whom I love. Yes, there is always a pang of pain in my heart over my dad, and sometimes when I let him get to me, that pain can become more of a raging fury. But I try my best to not let him get to me. I try to remember he is a damaged person himself; I pity him for the emptiness of his life, and the fact that no one ever taught him how to deal with life and family in a positive way. He doesn't know love - even when it is dancing before him. That is the most heartbreaking thing to me. The example he has provided as to how to handle that brokenness is definitely one I do not wish to repeat. I do everything I can to the opposite, filling my life with truth, happiness, laughter and love. Hopefully that will be the legacy I leave for my son and our future generations. As all of us have learned as a result of having not-so-perfect dads, how we lead our lives, how we deal with these things, can make or break not only us, but have a profound effect on those whom we love. We are strong farmgirls, with loving hearts. If we can't shine in the hearts of our fathers, we can shine in our own lives and in the hearts of those who DO love us. I tried, too, for MANY years, only to be repeatedly hurt. They say that one of the greatest signs of insanity is repeating the same action over and over, expecting a different result each time. I had to break that cycle - I wasn't helping him, I was actually harming myself! What I have decided to do is to turn my focus instead toward the people who truly love me and need me; there is so much more fulfillment in that. In so doing, I find true happiness. Those relationships are full of life-giving love. I don't think the hurt of our dads will ever completely go away, but I do think that turning our hearts and minds to the good and meaningful in our life will be a much brighter light that greatly outshines their shadows. We deserve to dance in the light! :)
Love you, sister. Please know if you ever want to talk, I'm here for you.
Hugs -
Nini
Farmgirl Sister #1974
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
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Edited by - Ninibini on Oct 30 2014 04:20:55 AM |
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FARMALLChick
True Blue Farmgirl
978 Posts
Lora
Alexandria
IN
USA
978 Posts |
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FARMALLChick
True Blue Farmgirl
978 Posts
Lora
Alexandria
IN
USA
978 Posts |
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knittingmom
True Blue Farmgirl
665 Posts
AnneMarie
Edmonton
Alberta
Canada
665 Posts |
Posted - Oct 31 2014 : 5:26:10 PM
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Lora, I'm very sorry this happened. It's mean and hurtful and uncalled for. However, you have done nothing wrong and you had the best intentions for your son to become acquainted with family. Speaking from my own personal experience with my DH's family, you can only make so many efforts before you have to put your children's well being and your own sanity first.
Hold your head high, you did your best, it wasn't reciprocated in a way that you had hoped and cut your losses.
Hugs.
Anne-Marie
Farmgirl Sister #3759
"There is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world"
"The things that matter most are not really things after all" |
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cajungal
True Blue Farmgirl
2349 Posts
Catherine Farmgirl Sister #76
Houston Area
Texas
2349 Posts |
Posted - Dec 01 2014 : 5:11:08 PM
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Lora, Wow! What a bunch of drama you've had to deal with. I'm so sorry you and your son have been hurt.
I pray that God will give you answers and comfort.
One of the best compliments from one of my daughters: "Moma, you smell good...like dirt." |
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Family Matters: I tried... |
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I tried...
