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Family Matters:  Husband Problems  |
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brightmeadow
True Blue Farmgirl
2045 Posts
Brenda
Lucas
Ohio
USA
2045 Posts |
 Posted - Jan 28 2007 : 08:00:10 AM
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Christine, so glad to hear you are feeling better about the situation.
What Rosemary said about each person's response to your post being colored by her life experiences is SO true. She also very aptly pointed out that each of us cares very much about you and how you are doing, your post touched our hearts, I know it certainly did mine. I have found myself thinking about you in odd times and situations. I was thinking about you again in church this morning. The topic of the sermon was "You are not in control"...
Keep remembering that you are a partner in the business - and also remember that in most businesses, the brains get paid MORE than the brawn... You can always hire more labor. It is the management and the marketing that make the business successful.
I think this is SO important. Again, as Rosemary said about life experience coloring our posts, I was just talking to my sister the other day before I posted my question above(in other words, I was probably thinking as much about my sister as I was about you, knowing more about her situation) - she tells me she never thought that she would be 46 years old and not married - she never worried too much about having a career or job skills, because she always assumed that someone else would take care of her. She is a professional teacher/administrator now, but it took a long time for her to come to that, she worked as a waitress for a long time just waiting for the right guy to come along. She never had any interest in learning about "personal finance".
Strange that two girls from the same family could have such different veiwpoints - I always assumed that I would have to take care of myself financially. Even many women who are married have a huge role in the economic success of the family, whether from earning a paycheck or managing the finances, spending, savings and investments. Learn as much as you can about investments. It really pays to start early, it is the choices you make when you are in your twenties that bear fruit when you are reaching my age and older and looking forward to retirement and taking care of the grandchildren. It is very late to start planning for retirement when you are in your 50's, unless you plan to suddenly get rich at 55....
You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands - You shall be happy and it shall be well with you. -Psalm 128.2
Visit my blog at http://brightmeadowfarms.blogspot.com ,web site store at http://www.watkinsonline.com/fish or my homepage at http://home.earthlink.net/~brightmeadow |
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Rosemary
True Blue Farmgirl
1825 Posts
Virginia
USA
1825 Posts |
Posted - Jan 29 2007 : 09:40:53 AM
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Hiya, Cristine. Sorry if I jumped to some conclusions based on what I read into your post. I stand by a lot of what I said, but I think what might be more on my mind right now is that both you and your husband seem to have pretty strong assumptions about what a husband and wife "should" be. Do you think you are both able to cut each other some slack?
It's good that you told us something about your background, about being an only child (me too) and having had so much adult responsibility piled on you. We always tend to fall back on what we know best, for good or ill. In your case, that's running a household with little tolerance for human error, I'm guessing because you demanded perfection from yourself. Do you think it's possibile for you to lighten your load a little now? Maybe try to do less so you can do it better, or at least be satisfied with "good enough"? The list of things you've already taken on is mind-boggling, and you want to do more! I'm exhausted just thinking about it!
It occurred to me as I was whipping up your brown bread recipe yesterday (we loved it!) that your husband might be sensitive about not earning more money. He might think he's doing the best he'll ever be able to do and is upset that it might not good enough in your eyes. That could be why he blows up at the mention of getting a new truck. He might also see your interest in starting a veggie garden as a suggestion that he can't feed his family as things are. This could also explain his snappish comments to you about your not being able to support yourself, being immature and so on -- when really it's himself he's worried about along those lines. Maybe you've heard that people often will criticize in others the things they dislike most about themselves. It's true, I think. Anyway, this stuff could be a real sensitive area for him that he thinks he can't talk about because "real men" aren't supposed to let themselves be vulnerable. (Phooey!) A lot of guys will start drinking or retreating into the world of video games and other distractions to avoid feeling down, which only makes things worse, of course.
Oh boy. I have an awful habit of playing what my grandma used to call "parlour analysis," meaning amateur psychology. I'm so glad you've come back to feeling better about all this -- or at least better able to cope. You're an amazing young woman. Next time you take a walk in the woods, you be sure to think about that, won't you? |
Edited by - Rosemary on Jan 29 2007 09:42:44 AM |
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MsCwick
True Blue Farmgirl
775 Posts
Cristine
Farmville
Virginia
USA
775 Posts |
Posted - Jan 29 2007 : 10:22:29 AM
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Well, my husband and I didn't get off to the best of starts. After we were married for about 4 months, he left, and lived with his brother who was an addict of something very very bad, and that got Josh involved, so he and I were kind of seperated for about 6 months during that time. I would see him every now and then, and he always looked so awful, but I stood by him through it, and prayed that he would get caught and get a wake up call, and it came at 4 am one morning, and I went and picked him up from a jail about an hour away. He was standing on the side of the road in the freezing cold with no jacket on, and he cried, and he was mad, and we got through it. I basically led him through my own version of rehab. I got him to go and do things, like walk in the woods, explore the creek, go fishing, all kinds of stuff to get his mind off of it.
Well, after he was clean for a while, he had a hard time getting back into the working world, and I was then working as an assistant manager of Tractor Supply Co. and I had bought a house, and he was in my shoes of staying home all day. Things were hard then, and I was too hard on him. I expected too much of him while he was home, and now these days, that situation is still held over my head. He doesn't have a problem with earning more money, since last year we made close to 100K, we just have NOTHING to show for it. (spending problem??) We just got a bill for our workers comp insurance, and we will have to pay taxes this year, and we have $0.00 money for that stuff, let alone a truck. My concern is that a newer truck will just end up being trashed like the 3 vehicles he has now, and that's a lot of money to ruin. We're going to pay cash since we are young and would have high full coverage insurance, but we're bargaining on a max amount to spend. He's looking into a 3 month long job at a college this summer where he would be gone during the week, and come home for weekends, and he said if he gets that job that he will get me a nicer vehicle too, so I look at what I'm writing here and I'm thinking..Why could I ever complain about my husband? He's certainly generous, he's hard working, he's not a bad person, or a mean person, he's just not ME. RIght now is particularly agravating because he has his best friend, who also works for him, styaying at our house. Now this guy owns his own house, and he has been here for 3 weeks. It's driving me crazy, and this is part of the reason Josh doesn't pay attention to me, and plays video games in stead. Deep down, the garden thing to Josh is really neat, but he knows nothing about gardening or growing plants, so he's kind of unaccepting of something he knows nothing about. Ignorance is too harsh of a word though.
I wonder if this shed any light on the situation?
I appreciate all your kindness, thoughts, and prayers.
Love,
Cristine |
Edited by - MsCwick on Jan 29 2007 1:43:55 PM |
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lilpunkin
True Blue Farmgirl
368 Posts
Texas
USA
368 Posts |
Posted - Jan 29 2007 : 10:35:41 AM
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Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Life isn't measured by how many breaths you take, but by how many moments take your breath away. |
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Nancy Gartenman
True Blue Farmgirl
9092 Posts
Nancy
West Seneca
New York
USA
9092 Posts |
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ponyexpress
True Blue Farmgirl
320 Posts
Sandy
Kirkwood
Missouri
USA
320 Posts |
Posted - Jan 29 2007 : 1:58:52 PM
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I'm just going to throw my two cents in here...not about the content of any of the posts, but only that I have learned on many, many occasions that there are two sides to every story. I haven't posted any opinions because I felt I didn't know enough about both sides -- and it is my tendency to jump in with all kinds of advice before knowing the whole story.
It is possible that when we (any of us) post here to vent, we are acting in the heat of the moment when tempers are flared, and it may not be the most objective telling of the story. When the initial anger lessens, it is possible to see things a little more clearly.
I think it's wonderful, as Libbie has said, that we have this community of loving, supportive women to turn to when we feel happy or sad, supported or abandoned. Talking things through with this group can clarify some issues that may have been initially misunderstood.
Cristine, I hope that you have some sense of peace or understanding about your situation. It doesn't sound as if it has been an easy road to travel. Listen and look with an open heart, talk to us when you need to, and I'm sure you'll find the right path.
I'm heading south for the winter. Some parts of my body already have a head start! |
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owwlady
True Blue Farmgirl
899 Posts
Jan
Tomahawk
WI
USA
899 Posts |
Posted - Jan 29 2007 : 2:17:09 PM
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| Cristine, from your last post it sounds like you are a very level headed, strong woman who truly cares for and loves her husband. As long as you're coming from that standpoint, things can work out for both of you. Don't give up too early like many people tend to do as soon as things get rough. It sure seems like there's a lot of potential in your relationship. |
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Juliekay
True Blue Farmgirl
237 Posts
237 Posts |
Posted - Feb 05 2007 : 04:12:08 AM
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I don't need to be prosletyzed to. That is just arrogant. Sorry
Why don't you try reading Don't Know Much About the Bible
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Libbie
Farmgirl Connection Cultivator
3579 Posts
Anne E.
Elsinore
Utah
USA
3579 Posts |
Posted - Feb 05 2007 : 08:07:14 AM
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Girls, girls, let’s be farmgirls--patient, considerate, polite, caring, big-hearted, broad-minded, and open to the opinions of others but mostly, let’s not get testy. Beliefs are beliefs, and we're not likely to change anyone else's - only our own. What’s more important than digging in our heels is figuring out how to honor every shape, and every size of belief, big and small. We all have the right to our own beliefs. And since beliefs are formed from a million different life experiences, experienced by a billion (or more!) different individuals, the likelihood of disagreement is enormous. Positive change is all about finding commonality instead.
I love our discussions. But only you can choose to let another person’s opinion be a threat. I like to think of them instead as an opportunity to experience the wonderful diversity that life on earth offers us farmgirls of every stripe and every color!
I am posting this on two different threads that are especially heated, so if you read it twice, you're not "seeing things!"
XOXO, Libbie
"Nothing is worth more than this day." - Goethe |
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primjillie
True Blue Farmgirl
138 Posts
Jill
Antelope
CA
USA
138 Posts |
Posted - Feb 05 2007 : 08:19:49 AM
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| I think the problem here is that the conversation turned religious when it didn't need to. We do all have our opinions about religion, marriage and many other things. We just don't like to be preached to. |
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laluna
True Blue Farmgirl
295 Posts
New York
USA
295 Posts |
Posted - Feb 05 2007 : 08:49:33 AM
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| I'll second what Jill said. I've noticed an awful lot of what comes across as preachiness from some people in some posts. Too bad, because I really enjoy being here and reading everyone's different ideas, but there comes a point when it gets to be a bit much; I can understand how people end up feeling frustrated and want to react to what is being said. I don't think that should stop people from engaging in healthy discourse, however. Yes, things often go off-topic on messageboards - believe me, I've spent time on many boards on the internet over the years and this is calm compared to what I've seen escalate elsewhere. I'd hate to see us reach a point here where posts are censored or where people are self-censoring because they are afraid of the repercussions. Clearly, we are all very different people and should be able to express ourselves accordingly, as long as we're not insulting (or patronizing). JMHO. :-) |
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Aunt Jenny
True Blue Farmgirl
11381 Posts
Jenny
middle of
Utah
USA
11381 Posts |
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Juliekay
True Blue Farmgirl
237 Posts
237 Posts |
Posted - Feb 05 2007 : 2:02:06 PM
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i'm sorry i got my hackles up. I'm not sure if the post was meant as evangelizing or not. Most of the people here are well-read and for every book suuporting one opinion, a book can be shown to support the other side also. So I find that kind of suggestion kind of arrogant. That's why I don't recommend people read certain books that support my opinion only. I do recommend people read a wide array of books that thoughtfully explore the vast array of humanityy's version of god and then make up their own minds.
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katiedid
True Blue Farmgirl
601 Posts
Kate
West Jordan
Utah
USA
601 Posts |
Posted - Feb 05 2007 : 4:25:00 PM
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Libbie, Thanks for the gentle reminder of who we are, and how we should treat one another.
I just want all of the farmgirls to know how much I enjoy and value their "voices" on this forum.
Life is a great thing, and it is the differences in all of us that makes us beautiful!
Let's focus on each other's beauty, shall we??
Love and light to all
Kate
my new blog http/www.theknifemakerswife.wordpress.com |
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jo Thompson
True Blue Farmgirl
603 Posts
Jo
the mountainside of the Chugach
in Alaska
USA
603 Posts |
Posted - Feb 06 2007 : 07:21:07 AM
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Okay, I'll just add a little blip here........ I married, had a child, stayed married for 19 YEARS of my life. My ex husband was a very good man, I loved him the day I divorced him. He was controlling, would not say I love you, was never happy a day of our marriage (still isn't). Sometimes, you just can't help people, you can't fix them, you can't make it alright. It doesn't make you a bad person, unholy, evil, imperfect, it just is. We all just do the best we can until we can't anymore. No matter how hard we try....... I think God is pretty smart, but his fan club can get a little bossy. jo
"life is drab without a lab"
http://homepage.mac.com/thomja/Anchorage/PhotoAlbum15.html |
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lilpunkin
True Blue Farmgirl
368 Posts
Texas
USA
368 Posts |
Posted - Feb 06 2007 : 08:34:37 AM
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First off in my opinion I dont think this post was started to cause conflict,and I am sure most would agree. I also don't think that anyone was being bossy. I think everyone had their chance to give their point of view on the subject. And what one says to the original poster was their suggestion to them. It all turned when people started to get offended at one another and that wasn't necessary. Regardless of religion being talked about in this post, it was intended for the original poster as a suggestion. I dont in anyway think that Past Blessings was trying to offend anyone or be bossy towards anyone. I think she was sharing her heart, and I think as Farmgirls we are allowed to do that. Past blessings never pointed her finger at any one person in this post. We all get so offended when people talk about religion, in my opinion its not about religion its about relationship. Everyone comes from different walks of life here, we range from Christians to witches and everything in between, we all are not going to agree on the same things. So everyone needs to quit getting their farmgirl panties in a wad and remember what we are here for. I don't think we are here to form qliches and to run people off. Enough said!
In love,
lilpunkin
Life isn't measured by how many breaths you take, but by how many moments take your breath away. |
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Juliekay
True Blue Farmgirl
237 Posts
237 Posts |
Posted - Feb 06 2007 : 08:47:06 AM
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Okay Brenda,
I just want to say why I felt you were prostheletyzing. How would you feel if I said:
For all of you out there that feel that Jesus is real, let me tell you about xyz book. Just a challenge to those of you that think the bible is the actual and only way to think. Read "xyz book" by Such and Such. It is so backed by undisputable facts that few who read it can still believe that when they are done. I'm not smart enough to argue my convictions nor do I want to argue with anyone, but for those of you with questions, this book is a must.
Would you feel that I was trying to convert you to my way of thinking? That's what I felt you were doing. I could recommend a bunch of books that promote secular humanism but I don't feel that is my place to do so with someone who is obviously a believer. Therefore, why do you feel that it is your place to promote your beliefs to me? That is why I used the term arrogant.
I've said my piece and I'm done now.
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laluna
True Blue Farmgirl
295 Posts
New York
USA
295 Posts |
Posted - Feb 06 2007 : 09:24:18 AM
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I think God is pretty smart, but his fan club can get a little bossy
*snort* Okay, that line just made me literally laugh right out loud at my desk here! Thanks for the chuckle:-) |
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Libbie
Farmgirl Connection Cultivator
3579 Posts
Anne E.
Elsinore
Utah
USA
3579 Posts |
Posted - Feb 06 2007 : 09:27:08 AM
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I agree with Past Blessings! It is sometimes really easy to take offense at things that are posted by others - we certainly can't be SURE of anyone's intentions, but it behooves us all, as a community, to think the best of each other. I just want to let you know that I believe, the vast majority of the time, that we farmgirls are just wanting to say what we want to say - not to hurt or attack each other personally. I also wanted to give a little reminder that what we are here is a group of farmgirls who are here to support and discuss and be a positive force in the world
And, I think we are headed back to the original intention of the thread - which was to provide support and ideas for a fellow farmgirl, which is something maybe we'll all find ourselves asking for sometime...
XOXO, Libbie
"Nothing is worth more than this day." - Goethe |
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DaisyFarm
True Blue Farmgirl
1646 Posts
Diane
Victoria
BC
Canada
1646 Posts |
Posted - Feb 06 2007 : 09:33:47 AM
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Unfortunately all of the above represents the downside of this type venue for a discussion or conversation. There is no possible way to put emphasis, facial expression or body language into what you are trying to say. It is just plain, typed words VERY easily taken in any context you or your mood or your life experiences dictate to translate it into.
We all need to be keenly aware of this fact when we set to typing out responses and also ask ourselves whether we would say some of the things we type if we were sitting across from each other in a warm kitchen sharing a tea.
And for the sake of us all, lets make religion and politics off topic in any thread! Of 100 or so regular posters, you would be hard pressed to find two that totally saw eye-to-eye on either subject.
My two (or three) cents.
Diane
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
Posted - Feb 06 2007 : 09:43:48 AM
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| Everyone brings their experiences with them and how we have interacted in the past does really affect us- whether good or bad. Some people have strong reactions while others could care less. I say take what you want away and leave the rest. |
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Juliekay
True Blue Farmgirl
237 Posts
237 Posts |
Posted - Feb 06 2007 : 09:46:57 AM
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Brenda, the only reason I told you to read that book was because you said we should read a certain book. I was feeling retaliatory. Which goes to my point of saying that i normally don't feel it is my right to recommend a book on religion to another person expressly for the purpose of converting someone. That is something I would never normally do.
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Past Blessings
True Blue Farmgirl
1083 Posts
Brenda
Orchard Prairie
WA
USA
1083 Posts |
Posted - Feb 06 2007 : 09:47:04 AM
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Thanks Libbie,
We do want to be a support for each other - that is one of the best things about farmgirls. Now lets just all stop squabbling, give each other a cyber hug and move on with our day! Wishing everyone a great day!
Brenda
Past Blessings . . . Celebrating Life as it used to be . . . when people loved God, loved their families and loved their country. |
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Juliekay
True Blue Farmgirl
237 Posts
237 Posts |
Posted - Feb 06 2007 : 09:48:27 AM
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Brenda
kiss & make up
xoxo
Julie |
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Juliekay
True Blue Farmgirl
237 Posts
237 Posts |
Posted - Feb 06 2007 : 09:50:19 AM
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grumpy baby on lap canm't type well
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Family Matters: Husband Problems |
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Husband Problems
