| Author |
Hogs & Quiches & Prayers Round-up:  Sad and scared  |
|
nut4fabric
True Blue Farmgirl
885 Posts
Kathy
Morgan Hill
CA
USA
885 Posts |
 Posted - Feb 13 2012 : 09:02:07 AM
|
Alyce Your words could have been mine 35 years ago and I had a 14 month old son too. I didn't think he would hurt me either but he did, I got out and never looked back. You need to protect yourself regardless of what he wants for himself and don't ever bank on "he won't hurt me", he is already hurting you emotionally, you just don't realize how much until you are out of the situation. I know you love him but put yourself first!!
Praying for you safety
Kathy |
 |
|
|
GirlwithHook
True Blue Farmgirl
922 Posts
Alyce
Madison
WI
USA
922 Posts |
Posted - Feb 13 2012 : 2:22:13 PM
|
I am beginning to think, more and more, that Mister was a very big mistake...I really don't feel like being caught in the explosion when he finally goes down.
A hook, a book, and a good cup of coffee.... |
|
|
|
crafter
True Blue Farmgirl
2313 Posts
lori
Fort Atkinson
Wisconsin
USA
2313 Posts |
Posted - Feb 13 2012 : 4:02:10 PM
|
Alyce- my heart is breaking for you....to love someone so much and for them not to try and help themself..I'm so sorry you have to go thru this. I'm here- phone is turned up. Sending you hugs fromn Fort Atkinson.
Lori |
|
|
|
marlee
True Blue Farmgirl
1650 Posts
Marlene
DeRidder
Louisiana
1650 Posts |
Posted - Feb 13 2012 : 4:18:28 PM
|
I agree with Tina they can hold him for that time and he cant just walk out.So he will be in the position to get thew ball rolling in getting him some help. Also start a journal everything that he says like this episode and that will also help and even mention about your MIL and the games she is playing, are very dangerous. I will be praying for you both.Alyce you need to take steps totake care of yourself.
Lori and Diane Bless you!
Hugs to all Marlee
God is the painter, he paints the picture. And his son builds it, for he is the Master Carpenter! |
|
|
|
GirlwithHook
True Blue Farmgirl
922 Posts
Alyce
Madison
WI
USA
922 Posts |
Posted - Feb 14 2012 : 06:37:08 AM
|
Thanks Lori, Marlee...I do have an update. I was at work last night when a familiar figure came in the front door. He was staring at the floor--and carrying a huge heart-shaped box of chocolates.
The first words out of his mouth? "I've been an *** lately."
Apparently once he cooled down, he did a lot of thinking and regrets his recent actions.
When we got home, I sat him down and talked to him like a "Dutch uncle" (Dutch aunt?). I spelled out how things looked with the girl who is chasing him; he was genuinely stunned and agreed to set boundaries with her. As far as my business he was shocked: he said under no circumstances was I to close down, and he hadn't thought about me needing money to build it properly (guess which one of us has a better head for business and finances?).
He acknowledges that he needs help, and apparently spent a lot of time researching his options. He's very reluctant to talk to a therapist though, so we may have to visit his doctor for advice.
He's apparently made reservations tonight for a pretty, but not-too-pricey Italian restaurant. When I objected, he told me he's been saving up for it.
Now--do I think things will get better? I don't know. I trust him about as far as I can throw Mount Everest after this past week, although if I decide to leave it will take a bit for me to save the money and make the arrangements. What I'm doing right now is saving up what I can--and waiting to see what he actually does.
The journal is an excellent idea btw; I've kept a diary for years, so I'm basically already there. :)
A hook, a book, and a good cup of coffee.... |
|
|
|
rough start farmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
3331 Posts
marianne
The Beautiful Pacific NW
Washington State
USA
3331 Posts |
Posted - Feb 14 2012 : 06:39:30 AM
|
Alyce,
I think you are getting some really good advice and some remarkable offers of help. I hope you realize you deserve it and take both the advice and the way out.
marianne |
|
|
|
GirlwithHook
True Blue Farmgirl
922 Posts
Alyce
Madison
WI
USA
922 Posts |
Posted - Feb 14 2012 : 06:45:24 AM
|
*blush* Thank you.
A hook, a book, and a good cup of coffee.... |
|
|
|
crafter
True Blue Farmgirl
2313 Posts
lori
Fort Atkinson
Wisconsin
USA
2313 Posts |
Posted - Feb 14 2012 : 07:21:33 AM
|
| sending hugs to you today!! |
|
|
|
nut4fabric
True Blue Farmgirl
885 Posts
Kathy
Morgan Hill
CA
USA
885 Posts |
Posted - Feb 14 2012 : 10:30:20 AM
|
Alyce I remember that the apologies came along with the promises and things were nice for a time and then they weren't. Beware of getting sucked in by candy and apologies and promises. Your safety and mental well being should be your number one priority. There are many types of abuse it isn't all physical.
Prayers for you
Kathy |
|
|
|
Bayou Girl
True Blue Farmgirl
252 Posts
Jennifer
Star City
Arkansas
USA
252 Posts |
Posted - Feb 14 2012 : 11:23:03 AM
|
Alyce,
I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I have been in a similar situation in the past with a man who had a drinking problem and promised every single time to stop, but it never did stop for me. I never thought he would lay a hand on me, but he did, and I packed my bags and both of my daughters' bags, too. At the time, I was broke, scared, and really didn't know what my next steps would be. I had to swallow a lot of pride and move back in with my parents for about two months until I had enough money saved to rent a place for me and my girls. It was one of the hardest and most heart-breaking decisions I have ever had to make, but I have never looked back. I'm praying that you have lots of support around you and you take care of yourself. I hope your situation is different than mine, but you need to put yourself first in this. Lots of prayers and positive thoughts being sent your way. I will keep you on my prayer list. Take care of yourself, darling.
~Jennifer~
Farmgirl #3803
|
|
|
|
Sharon Denise
True Blue Farmgirl
211 Posts
Sharon
Temple
TX
USA
211 Posts |
Posted - Feb 14 2012 : 11:43:31 AM
|
Alyce, I know this is getting repetitive, but you are worthy and wonderful and deserve so much better. I was married for 8 years to a mister who made me feel like yours does. He was not the person I married, and he just didn't love me. He thought he did, and he said he did (when he was apologizing), but he just plain didn't. He was cruel, controlling, condescending, emotionally abusive, ran up credit cards in my name, had bills directed to a secret P.O. box, etc. His mother, ironically, sounds a lot like your MIL. Bottom line: I kept trying to fix things. I kept thinking I could. In sickness and health, right? He obviously had a sickness. It took me eight long years (I married him when I was 19) to finally get the strength to leave. And I still felt horribly guilty about it. What would happen to him? Didn't I take a vow for better or worse? The fact is, if your partner isn't keeping his vows to you, it's a moot point. It is not your responsibility to work 70 hours per week, get an allowance like a child, not be allowed to follow your dream, put up with a constant emotional roller coaster (which IS abuse) AND deal with a similarly abusive MIL. You are not safe, and the constant pattern of forgiveness and guilt is so familiar to me. :-( You are a battered wife, even if he has never laid a finger on you. I'm praying for clarity, for peace, for the love you deserve, for the courage to stay or leave, for safety and for happiness. My heart hurts for you. Know today that your MJF sisters LOVE YOU and want you to be safe and happy.
Farmgirl Sister #3754
www.facebook.com/bellcountybelles
http://bellcountybelle.blogspot.com/
http://pinterest.com/bluemonarch/
"There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. Yet that will be the beginning."
~Louis L'Amour |
|
|
|
laurentany
True Blue Farmgirl
3259 Posts
Laurie
Patchogue
NY
USA
3259 Posts |
Posted - Feb 14 2012 : 7:44:03 PM
|
Sharon- No one has put it better than you!
Alyce- No one can make up your mind for you, but I am praying that you are safe and that you perhaps take maybe a week to access the situation and then make your decision. I hear what you are saying about having to save up money. Regardless of what you "think" may or may not happen, PLEASE do all you can to save for that rainy day. Give yourself the cushion you need to pick up and leave if you have to. Even without a huge cushion, you CAN get out of the situation.
Please know that we are here for you and are praying that God shows you the right path to take. Listen to Him and your inner voice.
Hugs,
~Laurie
"Little Hen House on the Island"
Farmgirl Sister#1403
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.. |
|
|
|
FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
Posted - Feb 16 2012 : 06:37:30 AM
|
Both Kathy and Sharon have given you some good advice. And believe me, I know Mister's type--think of this, Alyce. If you'd had a disagreement about who did the dishes last, or why the laundry is never folded, coming to your place of business with a handdog expression and some candy is a good "I'm sorry..." but this guy got rip roarin drunk, cut himself and took off with a woman that you've already voiced an opinion on. I'm just trying to give you a little perspective, that's all.
Without going into a lot of detail, I was in a very abusive relationship for 2 years that started out very much like this one--emotional abuse first, then later, when that stopped working, the physical abuse and mind games started. He even tried to tell me that my ex boyfriend (who'm I'd never slept with) had HIV, and I did too (but he would pitch a crazy fit every time I set up an appointment to get tested (?), and that we would be "together forever" because noone would want me after this...after a year and half of his abuse, my self esteem was so shot that I believed him. I thought almost every day was my last. And I wasted so much time with a monster.
This is just the first of many scenarios that will play out, and honestly, him "telling you" he knows he needs help is simply all that he's going to do. Soften your heart when he actually gets help--and he's not going to get help without therapy.
I'm sorry to sound so harsh, but been there, done that.
"Hey, I've got nothing to do today but smile..."
The Only Living Boy in New York, Paul Simon |
|
|
|
LuckyMommyof5
True Blue Farmgirl
500 Posts
Suzanne
OH
USA
500 Posts |
Posted - Feb 19 2012 : 7:42:36 PM
|
Alyce - I send you lots of Farmgirl hugs. I'm worried about you. I think we all are.
Farmgirl Sister #3243
"The real things haven't changed. It is still best to be honest and truthful; to make the most of what we have; to be happy with simple pleasures; and have courage when things go wrong." - Laura Ingalls Wilder |
|
|
|
GirlwithHook
True Blue Farmgirl
922 Posts
Alyce
Madison
WI
USA
922 Posts |
Posted - Feb 20 2012 : 10:43:09 AM
|
So far, so good. I am arranging an escape route with relatives if he doesn't shape up.
I grew up in an abusive home, so perhaps that's why I'm taking this far too calmly. (Abuse Victim Syndrome was my therapist's term.) That reminds me, I need to find a good counselor in town here....
Thank you, everyone.
A hook, a book, and a good cup of coffee.... |
|
|
|
Joey
True Blue Farmgirl
1868 Posts
Joey
Gulf Coast
FL
USA
1868 Posts |
Posted - Feb 22 2012 : 3:55:49 PM
|
Alyce,
This will make you laugh. I saw your farmgirl name and said to my DH "What kind of hook could she have?" I'm a nurse and so I was thinking like maybe "Captain Hook." I wanted to know how you lost your hand but thought it too rude to ask. TODAY it dawned on me that you meant crochet hook...right? That's what you meant..right? I hope I haven't stepped into anything here...if I have, I'm sorry..but if you meant crochet hook then I thought you could use a good laugh. Joey
Well behaved women rarely make history. |
|
|
|
Kim
True Blue Farmgirl
146 Posts
Kim
Pflugerville
Texas
USA
146 Posts |
Posted - Feb 22 2012 : 4:03:24 PM
|
Yes, call 911 if you need to. My daughter had to do that when her ex started cutting himself after a fight. he was in the hospital for 72 hours. Get in the car and just drive away of you need to be safe.(((((hugs))))))
Forever farmgirl
Farmgirl Sister #1363
http://midwestmusings-kim.blogspot.com/
|
|
|
|
GirlwithHook
True Blue Farmgirl
922 Posts
Alyce
Madison
WI
USA
922 Posts |
Posted - Feb 23 2012 : 06:43:06 AM
|
Joey--yes, I crochet. I've always said that I wasn't born with a crochet hook in my hand, but I should have been. It didn't even occur to me that it might mean "prosthetic" until about three weeks after I joined the forum! Whoops!
Also, your signature is one of my "life guide" quotes. 
A hook, a book, and a good cup of coffee.... |
|
|
|
GirlwithHook
True Blue Farmgirl
922 Posts
Alyce
Madison
WI
USA
922 Posts |
Posted - Feb 23 2012 : 06:44:40 AM
|
Kim, unfortunately I'm medically unable to drive. I told him outright that if he does something that stupid again, I'm calling 911 regardless. All he could do was blush.
A hook, a book, and a good cup of coffee.... |
|
|
|
graciegreeneyes
True Blue Farmgirl
3107 Posts
Amy Grace
Rosalia
WA
USA
3107 Posts |
Posted - Feb 23 2012 : 07:29:54 AM
|
Hi Alyce,
Evidently I'm out of the loop - I just read this thread. I definitely second everything that Jonni said - I have been in similar relationships over the course of my life and looking back, I can't believe I stayed in them. Just know that we are all thinking of you and take advantage of your support system. I spent 4 1/2 years with my son's dad and I cut myself off from all my friends and didn't let my family know what was going on because I knew I was in a dumb situation and I didn't want them to worry. Don't do that!!
Thinking about you...
Amy Grace
Farmgirl #224
"use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without"
|
|
|
|
GirlwithHook
True Blue Farmgirl
922 Posts
Alyce
Madison
WI
USA
922 Posts |
Posted - Feb 23 2012 : 10:29:00 AM
|
Thank you Amy Grace...my friends and family all know to come running if I call them. I have contacted the Mister's best friend and alerted him to the situation as well (said friend is a very level-headed guy and I wish the Mister would listen to him more often!).
A hook, a book, and a good cup of coffee.... |
|
|
|
FARMALLChick
True Blue Farmgirl
978 Posts
Lora
Alexandria
IN
USA
978 Posts |
|
|
GirlwithHook
True Blue Farmgirl
922 Posts
Alyce
Madison
WI
USA
922 Posts |
Posted - Feb 23 2012 : 12:34:23 PM
|
Thanks Lora!
A hook, a book, and a good cup of coffee.... |
|
|
|
marlee
True Blue Farmgirl
1650 Posts
Marlene
DeRidder
Louisiana
1650 Posts |
Posted - Feb 24 2012 : 12:44:23 PM
|
Alyce I am praying for you! Take care of yourself first.
First thing is have a bag like a backpack put money in it, and whatever else like important papers and hide where he cant find it incase you need to escape. If you do you can return later to get your other stuff and bring a police officer with you. Explain you are scared to go alone . If you leave never, never ,never go back to get stuff by your self. There is a family member on my husband side just like everyone describes here, and worse. He's been married five times or more,engaged more than that and the women dont find out what he is like until after the ring is on
mental abuse starts , so you stand for your self and take care of you first. Hugs Marlee
God is the painter, he paints the picture. And his son builds it, for he is the Master Carpenter! |
|
|
|
GirlwithHook
True Blue Farmgirl
922 Posts
Alyce
Madison
WI
USA
922 Posts |
Posted - Feb 25 2012 : 11:16:01 AM
|
Marlene, that is pure genius. I wouldn't dream of going back alone!
A hook, a book, and a good cup of coffee.... |
|
|
|
Hogs & Quiches & Prayers Round-up: Sad and scared |
|
Sad and scared
