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Family Matters:  Adoption PURPLES - UPDATE 2/9/11  |
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Mama Jewel
True Blue Farmgirl
435 Posts
Jewel
Sweet Peas Farmette,
Bend, OR
USA
435 Posts |
 Posted - Nov 19 2010 : 10:15:46 AM
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Jessie, how hard this must be for everyone. I'm all teary. When we did fostering (as you know, our two little guys used to be our foster sons & know our adopted sons), one of the events we went to when they were foster was a breakfast that Costco puts on for foster children. It's a beautiful wonderful thing: the Costco employees with their own money make a breakfast and have presents that they bought to give to the children. I'll never forget this little boy who saw Santa for the *first* time. He was about 8 or 9. He was running up & down the isles *screaming*: "There's Santa! There's Santa! I can't even type this without crying... :-( He acted as if we had the president of the United States here. So many things we take for granted. I'll also never forget seeing the slumped shoulders of the teen foster children looking at their gifts, looking like they don't deserve them. My heart breaks. One time I had a conversation with a teen foster girl. She said that she liked being at her foster family's place and that it was nice to be able to do things with their *real* kids. Real? I hugged her & said that she is loved & valued & she is real. I knew what she had meant, but these kids... so sad. So very sad. Blessings to you and your husband & daughter. I can't wait til you meet up again after Thanksgiving!! xoxo
Farm Girl Sister #1683 Living Simply & Naturally on our lil Sweet Peas Farmette
"Do Everything in Love." 1 Cor 14
http://www.piecemama.etsy.com |
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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl
2325 Posts
Susan
Lonsdale
MN
USA
2325 Posts |
Posted - Nov 19 2010 : 1:00:33 PM
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Jessie,
I loved your last post, when you said "Our daughter..." it was as natural as if she had been with you forever. I believe this is a "meant to be" relationship. Thanks for sharing your journey with us. Please keep us posted on how things are going.
Hugs,
Susan
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver |
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CountryBorn
True Blue Farmgirl
1545 Posts
Mary Jane
New York
USA
1545 Posts |
Posted - Nov 19 2010 : 2:02:32 PM
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Jessie, I am glad that you are looking at this so realistically. That you know there will be many challenges facing you,your husband and this little girl. It would be a great mistake to think that she will come home and magically it will all be a fariy tale life. It takes a lot of patience and love and a willingness to stick with it even though it is tough.There is so much to teach and share with her. Alot of people take on the responsibility not really knowing that it takes a lot of time and hard work. The more you get to know each other the more you will see what will be the way to reach her. I think you and your husband will make wonderful parents and even though it will be a long road, it will be the most rewarding experience of your lives. Seeing her start to blossom into a more confident, loving and trusting young girl will be a great joy. I am so happy for all three of you. God Bless you.
MJ
There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do. Freya Stark |
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DvilleMama
True Blue Farmgirl
159 Posts
Lyn
Small Town
MI
USA
159 Posts |
Posted - Nov 19 2010 : 6:25:48 PM
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Wow, Jessie! How exciting to have finally met her. It sounds like perhaps her behavior is a way to test you and your husband to see if you'll really stand your ground and become her forever family. I hope she's getting the therapy she needs. If in your heart, this is your daughter, don't give up on her. It will be a lot of work, yes. It will also be the most rewarding part of your lives. Many blessings to you, your husband and your hopeful daughter!! (((hugs)))
Lyn
Farmgirl Sister #1574
Mid-Michigan Farmgirl Chapter
http://simplelifeseeker.blogspot.com |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
Posted - Nov 19 2010 : 7:09:49 PM
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Oh my gosh, Jessie! I can't believe someone couldn't understand her acting out. How scary and exciting at the same time this must be for her. She probably doens't have any idea how to truly act. I am so glad that you and your husband are going to be adopting. I know you will be awesome parents!
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
www.allergyjourneys.blogspot.com
Put your pin on the farmgirl map! www.farmgirlmap.blogspot.com |
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Leilaht
True Blue Farmgirl
155 Posts
Elizabeth
Highland
MI
USA
155 Posts |
Posted - Nov 27 2010 : 12:09:59 PM
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Oh Jessie! I'm glad you understand the difference between annoying and deal breaker. Even our biological kids do things like that. My nephew used to hit my sister all the time. You just correct them and move on. Sounds like the other couple have some growing to do. I don't think I would ever give them the chance to adopt again. No one, including children, is perfect. I'm glad you like her. She'll love you eventually. I'll add you all to my prayer list.
Liz
Strength and honor are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.
Proverbs 31:25 |
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Beverley
True Blue Farmgirl
2707 Posts
Beverley
atlanta
Michigan
USA
2707 Posts |
Posted - Nov 27 2010 : 4:46:19 PM
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wow the girl slapping the man and dumping the water are just ways she was testing them and maybe she was right to do so cause OMG if they turned her down then she was right!!! My neice had a hard life and came to stay with us one time and within the first couple of days was acting out and I finally just sat her down and told her we loved her very much and wanted her to be with us and were very happy to have her with us.. the change in her was almost instantly and from them on she was a great kid. so for them not to give her a chance they must be people wanting perfection. something kids aren't ever!!!hehehehe Oh she sounds like a girl who really needs you jessie and that is the best kind. Let us know if you need any help with anything for her. A big girl shower would be so much fun!!! Keep us updated!!!
Folks will know how large your soul is by the way you treat a dog....Charles F. Doran
beverley baggett Beverley with an extra E...
http://bevsdoggies.googlepages.com/ |
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Princess_Of_The_Barn
Farmgirl at Heart
7 Posts
Tonya
New Douglas
IL
USA
7 Posts |
Posted - Nov 28 2010 : 7:42:26 PM
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As someone who fostered for 10+ years and who adopted 6 kids out of foster care, I'm going to hazard a guess that this little girl has been bounced around all of her life. If so, you need to really study up on Reactive Attachment Disorder. RAD kids are a special breed and can try the most patient of parents. I've seen RAD kids drive a strong marriage to the brink of divorce. I've also seen the heartache that RAD parents have to go through. It's not easy. Some of the things that give it away are her willingness to call you "Mom" and "Dad" at the first visit, the slapping of the other potential adoptive Dad, and her running away. All of these behaviors a 9 year old should know are wrong and are hallmark of RAD behavior. She's already testing you. Don't blow it off. Trust me on this one. Delve into the world of RAD and Oppositional Defiant Disorder before you adopt her.
Livin' the dream! |
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JessieMae
True Blue Farmgirl
702 Posts
Jessie
Raleigh
North Carolina
USA
702 Posts |
Posted - Dec 10 2010 : 6:38:23 PM
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UPDATE:
Notice I changed the title of my topic from "Adoption Blues" to "Adoption PINKS"...because it's a girl! We've had four visits so far with our DD, and another one tomorrow, and our first overnight visit next weekend. We're on track to become her legal guardians sometime in February, and she'll legally be all ours sometime in August.
Because she's still a ward of the state of Michigan, I can't tell you her name or post a photo yet, but I can tell you she's nine years old, brown haired, blue eyed, and really spirited! I think she'll make a fantastic Young Cultivator; last weekend's visit was to a Christmas tree farm to cut down our tree, and we found out she's a real animal lover, especially horses. She also loves our cat...a little too much, so we have to teach her how to respect animals and their autonomy and NOT treat them like toys  . She loves to play outside and do craft projects.
THANKS SO MUCH to all of you for your prayers, good wishes, and personal stories and support. They really worked, and gave me a happy ending to my "blues" story!
Jessie Mae
Farmgirl Sisterhood #134 |
Edited by - JessieMae on Feb 09 2011 10:06:19 AM |
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DvilleMama
True Blue Farmgirl
159 Posts
Lyn
Small Town
MI
USA
159 Posts |
Posted - Dec 10 2010 : 6:43:39 PM
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Oh, Jessie! This is so exciting! I've been thinking about you and wondering how the visits have been going. What a blessing for you, your husband and especially for this little girl. LOVE the new title!!! Welcome to mommyhood! If she's yours in your heart, you're her mommy regardless of the legal tape. Congrats!!!
Lyn
Farmgirl Sister #1574
Mid-Michigan Farmgirl Chapter
http://simplelifeseeker.blogspot.com |
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JessieMae
True Blue Farmgirl
702 Posts
Jessie
Raleigh
North Carolina
USA
702 Posts |
Posted - Dec 10 2010 : 6:53:01 PM
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Thanks, Lyn! I hope to drag her along to her first Farmgirl gathering soon!
Jessie Mae
Farmgirl Sisterhood #134 |
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Annika
True Blue Farmgirl
5602 Posts
Annika
USA
5602 Posts |
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DvilleMama
True Blue Farmgirl
159 Posts
Lyn
Small Town
MI
USA
159 Posts |
Posted - Dec 10 2010 : 7:15:42 PM
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That would be so wonderful! We have another little 9 yo farmgirl-in-training in the group. She would LOVE to have another girl her own age. Most of the kids are younger- 6 & under- and mostly BOYS! I can't wait to meet you anyway but this would make it extra special! I still have those Bed, Bath & Beyond coupons if you want them. I brought them to the November meeting incase you were coming. They're yours! Just let me know. :)
Lyn
Farmgirl Sister #1574
Mid-Michigan Farmgirl Chapter
http://simplelifeseeker.blogspot.com |
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JessieMae
True Blue Farmgirl
702 Posts
Jessie
Raleigh
North Carolina
USA
702 Posts |
Posted - Dec 10 2010 : 7:35:16 PM
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Lyn, thanks so much for the offer of the coupons for BB&B, but I've already bought her bedding and all...from MaryJane's, of course! She loves the color pink, so I ordered MaryJane's Home "Vintage Romance" bedding from Belk. It seemed only fitting!
Jessie Mae
Farmgirl Sisterhood #134 |
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Mama Jewel
True Blue Farmgirl
435 Posts
Jewel
Sweet Peas Farmette,
Bend, OR
USA
435 Posts |
Posted - Dec 10 2010 : 9:02:06 PM
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Hi Jessie! I was just thinking about you today and wondering how the visits were going. This is so exciting!! I wonder if your state has a horse facility that works with sp needs children. It could be an awesome thing for your daughter. Next time you both are in our area :-) (see how I casually mentioned about you coming to visit again :-) in the town of Tumalo, about 10 min outside of Bend, there's a *wonderful* place called Crystal Peaks. My kids have been involved with them. It's so beautiful and run by a most wonderful person, Kim Meeder. They're rescued horses paired with children with emotional needs and it's all free. The kids do a small service project (like raking gravel) and they spend time learning how to brush a horse and pick out its hooves, etc and then ride along in a corral. Here's a link: http://www.crystalpeaksyouthranch.org/ They're usually closed from Nov-Apr. She's also written two books (your library might carry them) called Hope Rising and a Bridge Called Hope.
I'm so glad to hear about how things are going. xoxo
Farm Girl Sister #1683 Living Simply & Naturally on our lil Sweet Peas Farmette
"Do Everything in Love." 1 Cor 14
http://www.piecemama.etsy.com |
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sherrye
True Blue Farmgirl
3775 Posts
sherry
bend in the high desert
oregon
USA
3775 Posts |
Posted - Dec 11 2010 : 05:51:37 AM
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this is wonderful news. so very happy for all of you. sherrye
the learn as we go silk purse farm
farm girl #1014
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Lessie Louise
True Blue Farmgirl
1406 Posts
Carol
PECULIAR
MO
USA
1406 Posts |
Posted - Dec 11 2010 : 08:43:55 AM
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I am co happy for you Jesse, and how blessed thet little girl is!
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not putting them in a fruit salad!
Farmgirl #680! |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
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JessieMae
True Blue Farmgirl
702 Posts
Jessie
Raleigh
North Carolina
USA
702 Posts |
Posted - Dec 11 2010 : 10:49:13 PM
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Today we hit the skids a little, but DD seems to be assimilating into our family as well as can be expected. We took her to Frankenmuth (Michigan's "Little Bavaria") for lunch to meet my parents and sister, and we got our first glimpse of a character I've named "Sulky Suzie." While browsing in a doll store (taking her in was probably a bad idea, on reflection), she asked for several VERY EXPENSIVE dolls and was told no, we couldn't afford them. Then she began searching the store for something we could afford, asking over and over again, "Can I have this one? What about this one? Is this one cheap enough?" I told her no, no dolls this time, and both my husband and my mother reminded her that Santa was coming in two weeks maybe he would bring her a new doll. She then put on one of the greatest despondency acts I've ever seen...dragging her feet, pulling her face inside her hood, refusing to say goodbye to my family when they left, and leaning hopelessly on my husband with a totally crushed look on her face. This was the first time we said "no" to her, and I'm afraid she was beginning to look at us like the rich people who come get her every weekend and buy her things. (We're certainly not rich, but compared to where she's living now we must look like Daddy and Mrs. Warbucks to her!) She stayed that way for about two hours, until my husband's cajoling brought her around and she was able to pick out her own Christmas stocking and name ornament for the tree (which we had planned on purchasing). By the time we got home, "Sulky Suzie" had disappeared and she spent the rest of the afternoon playing Legos and coloring with my husband.
I'm glad it happened so we could get our first look at her outside of the "honeymoon," and it gave my husband and I a great inside look at our up-til-now untested parenting styles. I'm definitely the heavy, saying things like, "Sit flat on your butt and straight at the table," "You must try one bite of squash and then I'll leave you alone about it," "Say 'excuse me,'"and a flat-out "No, we won't be buying a doll today." On the other hand, DD has my husband wrapped around her little finger. He coddled and snuggled and cajoled her all day. Any time she got droopy or restless, he jumped right in like her own personal court jester. His remarks were more like, "Don't like the squash? Okay, let's color on the placemat," and vague answers like, "I don't know if we can get that $85 doll today." We talked about it after we dropped her off at her foster home, and we agreed we really have to work on eliminating our current good cop-bad cop routine. It's going to be tough because we have such different personalities; I'm "eat-this-organic-apple-and-let's-make-a-corncob-dolly" and my husband is "eat-lots-of-ice-cream-and-buy-expensive-toys." But there's a happy medium in there somewhere...we just have to find it!
Next weekend is our first overnight visit, and because her bed won't have arrived by then - stupid PB Teen, grumble, grumble! - my DH has planned a special surprise. He bought her a tent that fits over our Aerobed, a starry-night projector, and a fake campfire...and downloaded hours worth of nighttime prairie sounds on his iPod. (See what I mean about spoiling her? I would've made a tent out of a sheet and two chairs and put a punched tin can over a lightbulb instead of buying all that gear!) We're going to have a camp out...indoors! At first I was annoyed and wondered if we'd ever just have a normal day at home without a field trip or special performance, but even Grinch-y old me is getting excited.
Jessie Mae
Farmgirl Sisterhood #134 |
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Tall Holly
True Blue Farmgirl
2305 Posts
Holly
Worcester
Vermont
USA
2305 Posts |
Posted - Dec 12 2010 : 6:17:29 PM
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One of the hardest thisngs for me in being a mother is being consistent. Knowing when to say no and sticking to it.
Congratulations on surviving a first test. It could have been much worse even if you might have been a little disapopointed in her behavior with your family. She will learn.... all children do.
Keep a sense of humor. If you ever need to just rave I am here. I am here to give you a hug adn pat on the back as well.
Holly
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katmom
True Blue Farmgirl
17161 Posts
Grace
WACAL Gal
WashCalif.
USA
17161 Posts |
Posted - Dec 15 2010 : 6:25:43 PM
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hey Jessie Mae,
I have been following along on your thread, so very happy for you. What a Blessing for you, hubby & DD...
Our daughter has just adopted her 1st daughter and is in the process of trying to adopt baby #2...it can be very heart breaking,,,but also so rewarding.
hugz
>^..^<
Happiness is being a katmom.
"Is it time for my Dirt Manicure yet!"
www.katmom4.blogspot.com & http://www.graciesvictorianrose.blogspot.com
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JessieMae
True Blue Farmgirl
702 Posts
Jessie
Raleigh
North Carolina
USA
702 Posts |
Posted - Feb 09 2011 : 10:44:44 AM
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UPDATE:
Yet ANOTHER terrible blow to the process of getting our DD. Yesterday we had a "permanency planning meeting" at the DHS office. We were told that the purpose of the meeting was to discuss transitioning DD from her aunt's house (where she has been living for the past 2 years) to our house. So were are all excited, thinking that this is FINALLY the day we find out when DD gets to come home, permanently. We walk into the meeting room, and there is a couple sitting at the table with their names and "foster parents" written on placards in front of them. Ummm...foster parents? We know who DD is staying with, and it is not them.
Well, DHS suddenly decided - without notifying us - that DD's current placement is unsuitable, so she will be pulled out of her aunt's house (where she lives with her aunt, 2 sisters, 1 brother, and a bevy of cousins) - and placed in a foster home with people she has never met. When I tried to object, I was told in NO uncertain terms that we currently have no legal rights pertaining to DD, and DHS does not need our opinion or input to decide what is best for DD.
Here is the backstory: DD has been with us every weekend and every non-school day since the middle of December. Some weeks we have her for 3 or 4 days a week. Around the first week of January, she tells me that her teeth are hurting. Now, she has really severe cavities in her two front teeth that are shocking to look at and that we obviously knew about, but this time she told me that her back teeth hurt. So I get out the flashlight and take a look in her mouth, and what I saw made me sick. One of her back molars is completely rotted away; all that is left is a cup-shaped shell. I could see all the way down to where the blood vessels in the root of her tooth were. Also, several of her other teeth are partially decayed or have large, visible cavities in them.
I about passed out. I showed them to my husband, who immediately ran to the drugstore for Children's Tylenol and Ora-Gel. To give you a visual aid of how bad the one tooth is, I was able to stick the entire head of an Ora-Gel swab (the size of a Q-Tip) into the whole cavity and basically fill the whole thing with medicine.
Then I start calling our adoption workers, demanding that this kid needs dental help sooner-not later. We get this kind of wishy-washy response, like "Yes, we knew this needed to be done, but the aunt is too busy and there's no one to set up or take her to the appointments." So I'm like, "Um, this can't wait...I'll take her!" So DHS sends me a letter and a card authorizing me to get medical attention for DD, and everything is fine.
The first dentist we see says DD needs at least 3 root canals and sends us to an endodontist. The endodontist looks at DD and says she needs 2 root canals, and the really awful tooth is far too decayed to fix and will have to be removed. So the next week, DD has a root canal on one tooth and I set up an appointment to have her most decayed tooth extracted.
Here' where the wheels fell off. The oral surgeon who will remove DD's tooth requires a release to be signed that allows him to use general anesthesia if necessary, and general anesthesia is NOT allowed by our current DHS letter. I call the DHS office, thinking that this is going to be just another faxed letter like the first, but it sets off such a firestorm that it has pretty much destroyed everything we have been working for so far. DD's legal guardian is actually her state-appointed lawyer, who gets this request on his desk seeking permission for us to have her sedated. Our names do not match DD's aunt's name, so he calls DHS wondering why people he has never heard of are seeking permission to provide serious medical treatment to his ward. DHS, realizing they are suddenly being asked why they are allowing his ward to (1) go without required dental procedures for almost 2 years, (2) stay long periods of time with people other than her approved foster parent (aunt), and (3) get major medical procedures set up and completed by people who have no legal right to DD, except visitation in preparation for adoptive placement.
SO THE POOP HITS THE FAN. DHS, in a classic case of CYA, makes an immediate order to remove DD from the negligent aunt's house and place her in a safe and approved foster home. In addition, they are now enforcing rules that up until now they have been too happy to ignore because it suited their needs nicely. We are no longer allowed to provide DD with medical attention, and our visitations are limited to no more than 10 days per month. Worst of all, the decision to move DD was made yesterday, her aunt was notified yesterday night, and she will be moved to the foster home TODAY. And because we are not DD's legal ANYTHING, we are not involved. The new foster parents requested that we be at the DHS office when DD is handed over to them just to assure her that we are still going to adopt her, but that is where our involvement ends. From now until the paperwork is processed through the court to place her with us in a pre-adoptive placement, we are limited to after school Friday-through-Sunday afternoon visits. We don't know how long the court process will take...our worker says 2-3 weeks; her worker says a month or longer.
So now everything is just a mess again. Don't know what to do (other than cry and eat my weight in doughnuts) or think or say. What a nightmare. 
Jessie Mae
Farmgirl Sisterhood #134 |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
Posted - Feb 09 2011 : 12:33:38 PM
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Oh Jessie! I am so so so sorry that this is happening! I makes me want to cry for you and your family. That poor little girl. She just needs a stable and loving environment! Hopefully the court system can get you all in quickly! Do you have your own adoption lawyer working on your side?
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
www.allergyjourneys.blogspot.com
Put your pin on the farmgirl map! www.farmgirlmap.blogspot.com |
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Beverley
True Blue Farmgirl
2707 Posts
Beverley
atlanta
Michigan
USA
2707 Posts |
Posted - Feb 09 2011 : 3:39:32 PM
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i know it is hard but try really hard to be patient. DHS has never worked well... Tell her you will be together soon and you will get things done then and the right way. this is a mess but DHS does that really well. OMG, please sit tight. time will work it out. Just tell her everything so she knows it will work out... why is she being adoptable and not her sisters and brother? That seems weird too...poor thing!!! and you!!!
Folks will know how large your soul is by the way you treat a dog....Charles F. Doran
beverley baggett
Beverley with an extra E...
https://sites.google.com/site/bevsdoggies/
http://bevsdoggies.blogspot.com/ |
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KathyC
True Blue Farmgirl
583 Posts
Kathy
Gastonia
NC
USA
583 Posts |
Posted - Feb 09 2011 : 4:51:38 PM
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Jessie,
I know it must be hard to wait but I think it was nice that the foster parents wanted you there - it would really show your DD that this is just a detour on her way to a home with you. If you weren't there she may have thought you were out of the picture so to speak. It may have saved her some worry.
The system really does seem to have problems, hope all works out very soon for y'all.
Kathy |
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Family Matters: Adoption PURPLES - UPDATE 2/9/11 |
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Adoption PURPLES - UPDATE 2/9/11
