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Across the Fence:  very upset i need guidance  |
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naturemaiden
True Blue Farmgirl
2569 Posts
Connie - Farmgirl #673
Hoosick Falls
NY
USA
2569 Posts |
 Posted - Nov 02 2011 : 06:53:57 AM
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i hate to bring my personal issues to this forum, but i need guidance. i have a 23 yr old son who on and off over the past several months has been SO disrespectful to me. He never goes on these rants when my husband is NOT around. He'll say that i'm lazy, that i dont do anything, and on and on. This morning he was rude to me again. I told him not to speak to me that way. He went on and on about how he cant stand to be near me, he wont see me when he moves out, that i dont contribute to the house, and so forth.
I left his dad when he was 2 because he was physically abusive. I am married now (for the first time) to a great man who loves my boys. For a while i raised them alone, giving them lots of love, protecting them and providing the best way i could. Of course i was not perfect, but think i did ok. People always commented how well behaved and polite my boys were.
It seems in the past several months my son is someone else. he'll go off on these rants and put me down. If i ask him to pick up his laundry off the laundry room floor he ignores me. The only chore i ask him to do is take the garbage out..and during our last fight 2 months he told me that because he works all day...he shouldnt have to take out the garbage! I couldnt believe it. It was like i didnt even know who he was.
He is responsible, he works, pays his bills, pays us rent (100 a mos), and was always a loving person. I do not believe he is doing drugs, but maybe an imbalance? I made the decision today that he must move out. I simply cannot live with someone who treats me this way. My husband is angry with him.
I lost my job over 2 yrs ago, have applied to hundreds of jobs since, and no one is spending $, so my business is slow. I actually just landed a temp job at a hospital which starts in a month (for someone going on maternity leave) it's been very hard for me. I've been cleaning houses when i get them. despite knowing this my son still says i do nothing? i dont get it.
My sons fiancee told me (as she has before) that she's has similar issues with him, and then he'll feel bad. maybe he's bipolar? he blames his anger on me.
my heart is broken. when we got into the same type of fight 2 mos ago i was very suicidal,it was scary how close i came...because i've always made my boys my whole life, and to think i did it all for nothing just kills me. I felt if i didnt have my boys I had nothing to live for. I honestly do not know what to do. (I went into foster care at 13, and had a very bad abusive mother and stepfather)- so when i had my own boys, i loved them so much, they were my whole life.
am i doing the right thing by making him move out?
connie
http://www.naturemaiden.com/ - Soap & Candle
http://modern-day-laura.blogspot.com/ -My Personal Blog
http://www.prairiefarmherbs.com/ -Herb Plants for the Home Garden
http://www.thriftyfarmgirl.com/ -My Online Thrift Shop
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Edited by - naturemaiden on Nov 02 2011 06:56:49 AM |
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Beverly Gill
True Blue Farmgirl
1114 Posts
Beverly
Marlborough
USA
1114 Posts |
Posted - Nov 02 2011 : 07:12:29 AM
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could he be using pot?
Beverly Gill
There's no place like home |
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naturemaiden
True Blue Farmgirl
2569 Posts
Connie - Farmgirl #673
Hoosick Falls
NY
USA
2569 Posts |
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Dorinda
True Blue Farmgirl
1023 Posts
Dorinda
St. Cloud
Florida
USA
1023 Posts |
Posted - Nov 02 2011 : 07:37:31 AM
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Connie, Thats a hard one. I know how you feel because I am going through about the same thing with my 29 year old. He had to move back home because he lost his apartment. No money, No Job because he can't find one. His girlfriend that he had a baby with ran off with their vehicle and baby to Montana. He is taking her to court but it is going to take a long time. Anyways all he does is walk around the house and complain. I am so over it. He does help around the house so I can't complain about that. He is miserable and wants everyone else to feel his pain. I don't know how much longer I can take it! I can't kick him out because he has no money or transportation. I don't believe in kicking your kids to the curb. Right now the economy here is so bad still. They say it is getting better but I do not see it. Anyways I avoid him all I can. I have never felt suicidal about any thing. That worries me for you. Hum maybe you should go talk to your doctor. They might can help you with your depression. Now I am thinking that if my son had a job and car I would probably start encouraging him to move out. I would help him with the deposit to get into an apartment just to get him the heck out of here! Maybe thats what you need to do is start encouraging him to save some money so he can move out. Talk to him and tell him you love him but things are just not working out with the two of you living under the same roof. And you do not want to see anything come between you guys mother and son relationship. Help him come up with a plan on paper to meet his moving out goal. As soon as my son finds a job thats what I am planning on doing. I have done that before and it worked back when he had a job. The place he was working for had to close their doors. Their business went under. Remember God will never give you more than you can handle. God has a plan for you and your son. You are in my prayers.
Seize The Day!
Dorinda |
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Lieberkim
True Blue Farmgirl
839 Posts
Kimberly
Sunnyside
WASHINGTON
USA
839 Posts |
Posted - Nov 02 2011 : 07:40:36 AM
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He's 23, he's being disrespectful, he has a job and a fiance...... yep, he needs to move out. Then he can work all day AND take out the garbage, do his laundry, clean the house and make his meals. He won't find anything to rent for $100 and he'll soon realize not only did his mother do a lot, he was given a pretty sweet deal. Maybe he needs some councelling too? Even if you were the perfect mother boys need their dads and if he didn't have that he might need some help moving on. Obviously, you left for good reasons but maybe he's got it all jumbled up in his head and needs help getting it unjumbled.
Excuse the mess & the noise, my children are making happy memories |
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naturemaiden
True Blue Farmgirl
2569 Posts
Connie - Farmgirl #673
Hoosick Falls
NY
USA
2569 Posts |
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SusanScarlet
True Blue Farmgirl
317 Posts
317 Posts |
Posted - Nov 02 2011 : 08:22:25 AM
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| I agree with Kimberly - he's an adult and adults take total responsibility for themselves. Sounds like he's using some type of drug. He's definitely taking you and your generosity for granted (only $100 for rent and only have to take out the garbage and free health insurance). Sounds as though he's gotten mixed up over whose house he lives in and whose table he eats at and who is paying for his insurance. I think I might remind him "my house, my way" and also help him develop a plan to move out within a few weeks. If he's only paying $100 a month and he's working, he should have lots of money. I think it's our job as parents to teach our children to walk (the easy part) and to teach them to walk away (the hard part). Take care of yourself, hold onto your husband, get some counseling, and then be proud of the fine man your son will be when he gets over this last hill to acting like an adult. Keep us updated. |
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MrsRooster
True Blue Farmgirl
1168 Posts
Amy
Seabrook
TX
USA
1168 Posts |
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naturemaiden
True Blue Farmgirl
2569 Posts
Connie - Farmgirl #673
Hoosick Falls
NY
USA
2569 Posts |
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nut4fabric
True Blue Farmgirl
885 Posts
Kathy
Morgan Hill
CA
USA
885 Posts |
Posted - Nov 02 2011 : 08:50:41 AM
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In our home it's our rules no matter how old you are, it is after all our home. That said I do think that there is a possiblity of an imbalance, possibly bi-polar. My husband is bi-polar so I know about the anger and mood swings all too well, and if his girlfriend is seeing it too it's not just you. Remember that the child that is the hardest to love needs love the most, but you can give that love from a distance when need be. Hang in there we all doubt our parenting from time to time.
Kathy |
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naturemaiden
True Blue Farmgirl
2569 Posts
Connie - Farmgirl #673
Hoosick Falls
NY
USA
2569 Posts |
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lilwing
True Blue Farmgirl
1403 Posts
Brooke
Fulshear
Texas
USA
1403 Posts |
Posted - Nov 02 2011 : 09:05:22 AM
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I don't know if I'd say it was drugs. My mom has the same problem with my 27 year old brother. Times are hard for young guys these days, I think there's something he is very unhappy about and he knows he can take it out on you because you are his mother and you have unconditional love for him. He may feel he has no 'purpose', so he is turning it around on you what HE feels. Just a thought ..
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Proud Farmgirl #775
honeybrookefarm.blogspot.com
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Fiddlehead Farm
True Blue Farmgirl
4562 Posts
Diane
Waupaca
WI
USA
4562 Posts |
Posted - Nov 02 2011 : 09:32:24 AM
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I agree...tough love. It is the hardest, but worth it in the long run. He is an adult and should act like one. I don't believe it is pot, that usually makes them pretty mellow, not angry. I think he may have an imbalance or something. I am sorry for how he treats you. That is pretty painful. My son treated me pretty badly for awhile, but has finally seen the light. Sometimes it takes men a lot longer to grow up. The mother's always get the bad treatment, because we always love them anyway.
http://studiodiphotosite.shutterfly.com/
farmgirl sister #922
Don't go with the flow...you are the flow.
I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult.
- E. B. White |
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oldbittyhen
True Blue Farmgirl
1511 Posts
tina
quartz hill
ca
USA
1511 Posts |
Posted - Nov 02 2011 : 10:36:21 AM
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POT, no it isn't...Bi-polar, probaly...if he refuses to get help, I would most definatly kick him to the curb, bi-polar can also become so agitated, they will get violent...good luck!!!
"Knowlege is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad" |
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Ingrid
True Blue Farmgirl
432 Posts
Ingrid
BC
Canada
432 Posts |
Posted - Nov 02 2011 : 10:44:34 AM
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I'm sorry but I will take a hard line on this one. Tell him to get out. He is a 23 year old adult and has absolutely no right to treat you like this. Do not second guess yourself as a mom. Think of this way if he was a stranger or an aquaintence would you allow them to behave this way towards you. My guess is no so just because he is related doesn't give him that right.
Good luck.
Give thanks to yourself everyday for all the wonderful things you do! |
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kristin sherrill
True Blue Farmgirl
11303 Posts
kristin
chickamauga
ga
USA
11303 Posts |
Posted - Nov 02 2011 : 11:04:49 AM
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I totally agree he needs to get out before someting happens. I have a daughter with bi polar and she is wonderful to be around when she is on her meds but when off of them she is horrible and I hate to admit it, but I am afraid of her. They can become very abusive and dangerous. I hope he gets help asap. He obiously does not realize what he has there and is pushing the buttons as far as he can. I'm so sorry you have been at the point of taking your own life at one time because of this. Have you been to counseling for you yet?? I had to kick my daughter out for all our own sanity. She is so much better where she is now. Sometimes we as mothers just need to back off and let them go. And he needs to go.
Kris
Happiness is simple. |
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katmom
True Blue Farmgirl
17161 Posts
Grace
WACAL Gal
WashCalif.
USA
17161 Posts |
Posted - Nov 02 2011 : 11:15:58 AM
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Connie
I have to agree with some of the ladies here...Bi-Polar or even Manic Depression might be the problem,,
how ever, at 23, he should not be living at home,, and since he does...he deffinatly should be respectful of you, your hubby & the 'House Rules'... for $100 a month, he has a short order cook, maid service, medical ins. etc....he has it pretty darn easy & lucky....
Sorry, but I think he needs a reality check,,,, and possibly medical evaluation.
p.s. Stress can also be a factor but it is not an excuse to be mean & hurtful.
You as his mom do not deserve to be disrespected or ridiculed.... and this is NOT your problem,,, it is his... since his girlfriend is seeing similar behavior issues the common dinominator is... Him...
Stay strong and stand your ground....give him his option... to get his crap together or get out....as for the medical insurance... he is lucky to have it (via your hubby)....does he have any idea how many families don't have it..... I shudder to think how many families don't get proper health care because they can barely make ends meet so med. ins is not an affordable option.
Connie, hang in there...we're all pulling for you.
hugz
>^..^<
Happiness is being a katmom.
"Is it time for my Dirt Manicure yet!"
www.katmom4.blogspot.com & http://www.graciesvictorianrose.blogspot.com
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batznthebelfry
True Blue Farmgirl
1257 Posts
Michele
Athol
Ma
USA
1257 Posts |
Posted - Nov 02 2011 : 11:17:33 AM
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dear hen I feel so bad for you but I sure do understand it....I am bi-polar & I put my foster parents thur hell & everyone else until they..docs..figured it out at age 47!...then my boy who also is bi-polar did alot of what your boy is doing to you...now I realize its his anger at having to be back home & not making it on his own so he would lash out at me....cut me down, yell at me & be just plan mean......like said above I had hard rules he had to go by...job, take meds & certain chores....plus I took all his paychecks & gave him $25 a week...I opened a checking/saving acct for him...he hated it but he knew if that didn't go over with him his bags were packed & out he went...even if it meant living on the street....I also did not do his laundry if he won't put it where it needed to go...if it was left on the floor it stayed on the floor...
I must admit that when he got pot I was thrilled...yeah I know...no lectures please...he would mellow out & I could talk to him without the garbage.....
Please please do not feel that you have failed as a mother with him...even if you have to pack his bags he will figure it out...he may have to stay in a shelter or even the streets but he will work it out eventually...my son lived in a tent for a few months...oh he complained & had tons of pity trips but he finally figured out how to get himself out of the situation without help....
it sucks at times being a mom to a grown up but you did your job & now he has to do his....being disrespectful is uncalled for no matter what.....I learned that you have to walk away no matter what they say..even when they follow you...I would go take a bath & have a good book to read...son never came in since he did not want to see his momma naked :)........
& yes if by chance he is bi-polar he can get violent....I did & my son did...thank goodness my boy was more afraid of me than I was of him which helped me never get hurt by him...but if he should ever raise a hand with you, leave right then....go to the store, any place away from him....even calling the cops if needed though I know that is sooo hard.....& never bail him out of jail..ever!
I am thinking of you dear hen & hope that you can figure out what is best for you & your family...its hard to say the least but you earned the right to be happy....Michele'
Chickens rule!
The Old Batz Farm
Hen #2622 |
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Penny Wise
True Blue Farmgirl
1903 Posts
Margo
Elyria
OH
USA
1903 Posts |
Posted - Nov 02 2011 : 11:47:01 AM
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connie..this had to be difficult for you to bring to us...you ar loved here and we all agree that your son needs help. and i would hope that you would talk to a doctor yourselff..these times we are all going thru are so difficult and we, as moms, are so stuck in where our hearts are and wheat we know we want for our kids....
big hugs to you!
Farmgirl # 2139
proud member of the Farmgirls of the Southwest Henhouse
~*~ counting my pennies and biding my time; my dreams are adding up!~*~ |
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heritagehunter
True Blue Farmgirl
207 Posts
Julie
La Salle
Co
USA
207 Posts |
Posted - Nov 02 2011 : 11:55:13 AM
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I know what you are going through. I had MAJOR issues with my son when he was about that age too. I also raised him on my own. His father left us before he was born. I think the early twenties are hard for boys, especailly if they did not have a strong and supportive father figure while they were growing up. My son is now 26 and he is really making an honest effort to treat me better, but does have some set backs. The "my way or the highway" route may back fire and damage your relationshp more. But maybe if you approached him with "you seem unhappy here at home, have you thought of getting a place of your own?" It might open the communication gates. Looking back on my problems with my son, I wish I would have handled it with a softer hand. I was focused on is disrespect and didnt see his pain. I don't think he knew what kind of man he should be, much less how to get there. I know it hurts and I'm sorry it does. I have come to realize that my son took stuff out on me because I was "safe", he knew that know matter what I wouldn't give up or stop loving him. He did not know how to express or talk about his feelings. If you can get him to counseling that would be awesome. If he refuses like my son did, you can go yourself and that would at least help you grab a handle on it.
Good luck and ((big hugs)). |
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naturemaiden
True Blue Farmgirl
2569 Posts
Connie - Farmgirl #673
Hoosick Falls
NY
USA
2569 Posts |
Posted - Nov 02 2011 : 12:32:10 PM
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you girls are so awesome, i dont feel so alone anymore. i've been upset all day. my son says he wants to move out but cant afford to...and i have worried about him getting violent, i see that potential in him. There have been times i wanted to go smack him for being so disrespectful and he would come back at me...like he was ready to fight. the last big fight in september got violent and my husband had to hold me back because i just lost it. it was so bad the neighbors heard me. i was screaming at him at the top of my lungs. now i'm just emotionally spent. i know i'm depressed because as i've mentioned before, my kids have been my life. i feel like i've done it all for nothing. even when i was with his father when my son was a baby, i wanted to kill myself to escape him..but didnt, so he wouldnt get my son. i got the courage to run in the middle of the night, with my little son in tow..running off to a shelter...the memories are awful. i hate to say it, but i see his father in him. i never thought at 18, when i had him, that that could happen....all i saw was a beautiful baby boy, and thought love would conquer all. i wish he did smoke pot, because he would be mellow. i know he has anxiety issues. i feel he needs meds. we'll see what happens. i want you all to know it means a lot that i can come here and talk to you.
i start that new job dec 6th...i had to go today to meet some hospital staff..even on the way i couldnt stop thinking about my son and holding back tears. i just want peace in my life and to truly feel happy again.
http://www.naturemaiden.com/ - Soap & Candle
http://modern-day-laura.blogspot.com/ -My Personal Blog
http://www.prairiefarmherbs.com/ -Herb Plants for the Home Garden
http://www.thriftyfarmgirl.com/ -My Online Thrift Shop
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Edited by - naturemaiden on Nov 02 2011 12:33:35 PM |
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njaw09
True Blue Farmgirl
397 Posts
Annie
NJ
USA
397 Posts |
Posted - Nov 02 2011 : 3:03:34 PM
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Connie-
I truly believe is to let him move out on his own. To experience what his mommy was doing all along for him while he was young. Let him cook, clean his own mess, paid his own rent, gasoline and etc. When he get laid off from work...he will say ohhhh now I know what mommy is going through. Sometimes being apart from each other is great for each other. Also it will be good for him in the long run to be independent. I seen many many kids have arguments with their parents and sometimes parents or their own children can say nasty things to each other. You done a terrific job of raising him all these years. Don't beat yourself with it. Also he is 23 years old so it is time to let him go.
blog: http://nj-nyc-3inna.blogspot.com/ |
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FarmDream
True Blue Farmgirl
1085 Posts
Julie
TX
USA
1085 Posts |
Posted - Nov 02 2011 : 9:29:58 PM
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Saying prayers for you Connie. Definitely see about getting counseling for yourself. They are so good at giving you the right words to say. I went to one once and it only lasted a couple of months. We sent DD to one and it was only a couple of visits. DH sees one but that is probably going to end soon. Just wanted to let you know that counseling is not something that lasts the rest of your life. I think a lot of kids are going through similar situations right now. IMO they went to school where no one lost at dodge ball, everyone passed, and no one got their feelings hurt. Now they are in the real world and the real world keeps score. It's a harsh reality they weren't expecting.
~FarmDream is Farmgirl Sister #3069
Live Today, Cherish Yesterday, Dream Tomorrow
http://naturaljulie.etsy.com
http://julie-rants.blogspot.com |
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Tapestry
True Blue Farmgirl
1223 Posts
Cheryl
Wisconsin
USA
1223 Posts |
Posted - Nov 03 2011 : 01:54:10 AM
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Connie you and your family are in my prayers. I know it hurts so much when one of your children is hateful to you. Especially when they're an adult. You mention he never does this to you when your husband is around so he has to know exactly what he's saying/doing and how it affects you. It's a power trip for him to see it upset you. A form of control. He says hurtful things...you get upset, maybe cry and he has achieved his goal. I would bet there is little else in his life he perhaps feels like he can control but this is not healthy nor good for either of you and if he continues he is going to be a very abusive man. He needs help and so do you to understand what is going on with him and how to cope with it. As long as you're allowing him to remain under your roof I say absolutely get him seen by a dr. and in counselling. It may make all the difference to him, you, his future wife, and future children. Good luck and God Bless.
Huggz
Happy farmgirl sister #353
Look for rainbows instead of mud puddles 
http://pinterest.com/ctapestry/
http://tapestrysimaginings.blogspot.com/ |
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Dusky Beauty
True Blue Farmgirl
1108 Posts
Jen
Tonopah
AZ
USA
1108 Posts |
Posted - Nov 03 2011 : 09:09:55 AM
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23 was only 5 years ago for me and I was married with a 3 year old + one on the way in a 2 bedroom home paying all our own bills. I was darn grateful to HAVE health insurance even though I paid for it and the deductable was crap.
The guy defenitly needs to see a doctor and get some counseling for coping skills. If he is getting into a verbally abusive pattern with you, and with his fiance' he's forming bad habits. I'm sure that as a former battered woman you know that abuse escalates. If he married that girl and starts saying those kinds of things to her she'll eventually grow numb to it, Then he'll raise his voice, then he'll start shoving her, and it's all downhill from there.
If you don't take some kind of action now to prevent him from getting into this pattern, I don't think you'll be able to forgive yourself for not acting later on.
If you kick him out, he is likely just going to play house with his girlfriend and it will put the fast track on them moving in together, and then she will be at the brunt of the same problem.
Let him think he can't afford to move out-- and get your husband to stand with you and use that leverage to get him treated medically and some anger management.
"The greatness of a nation and it's moral progress can be judged by the way it's animals are treated." ~Gandhi
http://silvermoonfarm.blogspot.com/
"After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.” ~Will Rogers |
Edited by - Dusky Beauty on Nov 03 2011 09:14:00 AM |
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NixKat
True Blue Farmgirl
288 Posts
Kathleen
CT
USA
288 Posts |
Posted - Nov 03 2011 : 2:14:55 PM
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He's might be a bit old to be just now showing symptoms of an imbalance, I thought they were born with it like my daughter and my brother. My brother displayed all those symptoms from as far back as I can remember (very young) and my daughter displayed almost from the time she was born ... but back then nobody knew about imbalances, etc. It wasn't until the 70's and she was an impossible to control and suicidal teen that we were able to finally find help for her. When she is medicated and seeing her therapist she is a sweet loving woman; when not on the meds and therapy she is horrid. She has treated me the same way, and at least once I feared for my life, your son treats you to the point I started having panic attacks and was having difficulty caring for my two younger girls. She is 42 tomorrow, and currently she is under doctors care again and her moods are stable, but I worry every day and will continue for the remainder of her life. It is so hard to push them away when they are so miserable, but we must, tough love... stay on treatment or stay away.
Your son is a man, you need to think about yourself and your husband it's your turn.
{{{hugs}}}
Kathleen...... Farmgirl Sister #3447 |
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Across the Fence: very upset i need guidance |
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very upset i need guidance
