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Family Matters:  In-laws *gritting my teeth*  |
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Annika
True Blue Farmgirl
5602 Posts
Annika
USA
5602 Posts |
 Posted - Aug 04 2011 : 11:28:34 AM
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Tomorrow we are heading up state to visit Andrew's parents, mom (87) and dad (93) and I'm praying for patience and strength! They are just like two obnoxious, cranky little children! They continually snipe and bicker, are hard of hearing and over-opinionated and throw hissy fits that you wouldn't believe! I can't say a darned thing!
While I can love them as family, they are hard to love as people. I have never been good enough for their youngest son. Since the beginning they have been hypercritical of me. For a while, when I was working and in great shape, they were ok with me. Not great, just ok.
But since my serious health problems began and I put on a bunch of weight and started to have vision problems, they are just been awful!
They constantly make snide weight remarks, tell fat jokes, etc.
I could blame it on their age, but I have plenty of elderly friends and none of them even come close! Andrew is totally blind and deaf to their behavior and will side with them in most arguments. So girls, I'm on my own! I need patience and a sweet calm spirit to go deal with them this weekend! Hoping that I don't stuff socks in their mouths the second we arrive! 
LOL! 
Sorry for the rant!
Annika
Farmgirl & sister #13
Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication. ~Leonardo DaVinci
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
Posted - Aug 04 2011 : 11:39:27 AM
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So sorry, Annika! They sound like awful old cranks. But, they are Andrew's parents, and think of it this way...they won't be around forever (unless you think they're too mean to die!) and while they're here, you can kill them with kindness and go stab pencils in your eyes when you head off to the bathroom and come back in and smile like you've never smiled before. Tiring, yes. Ridiculous that You have to be the adult? Yes. But it's just the weekend. When you get back, you need to make Andrew do something REALLY nice for you!!!
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
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farmmilkmama
True Blue Farmgirl
2027 Posts
Amy
Central MN
USA
2027 Posts |
Posted - Aug 04 2011 : 11:40:49 AM
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Well dang, its no fun to visit family when you have to bite your tongue the whole time! Here's hoping for patience for you and maybe a sweet change of heart for them? Maybe you'll be lucky and they will shove socks in their own mouth? ;)
--* FarmMilkMama *--
Farmgirl Sister #1086
Be yourself.
Everyone else is already taken.
-Oscar Wilde
www.farmfoodmama.blogspot.com
www.thehmmmschoolingmom.blogspot.com |
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Annika
True Blue Farmgirl
5602 Posts
Annika
USA
5602 Posts |
Posted - Aug 04 2011 : 12:10:39 PM
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Jonni ~ I'm going to insist on hitting a few antique shops along the way !!! That always fixes my mood!
Amy ~ I have a redhead type temper, so I'm trying for the cool as a moose on ice attitude and patience 
Annika
Farmgirl & sister #13
Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication. ~Leonardo DaVinci
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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl
7577 Posts
Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7577 Posts |
Posted - Aug 04 2011 : 12:58:44 PM
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I'll say a prayer for you, Annika - that has to be awful!!! Just a thought: If you bring them goodies and they're stuffing their faces, they won't be able to speak!!! ;) Hugs and love - Nini
Farmgirl Sister #1974
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
www.papercraftingwithnini.myctmh.com
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Annika
True Blue Farmgirl
5602 Posts
Annika
USA
5602 Posts |
Posted - Aug 04 2011 : 1:16:00 PM
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Nini~ I'm going to do just that! I'm packing a picnic gift basket  I'm going to stop and pick up some locally grown goodies, a bouquet of flowers, a bottle of some summery wine, some artisan bread and when it cools down here tonight I'm going to bake some short bread and a country pate! They LOVE fine food, so I'm serving it up with a big bright farmgirl smile  My lovely Texas grandmother used to say "Pretty is as pretty does"
Hugs and love back to ya!
Annika
Farmgirl & sister #13
Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication. ~Leonardo DaVinci
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Betty J.
True Blue Farmgirl
1403 Posts
Betty
Pasco
WA
USA
1403 Posts |
Posted - Aug 04 2011 : 1:25:04 PM
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I don't want to be critical, however, Andrew is married to you and not his parents and should be on your side. Apparently his parents have been this way their whole lives, only to get worse with old age. My stepfather was a cranky old man and I would have left him in a heartbeat, but my mother stuck by him through thick and thin. She always wondered why we kids never came around.
I'm sorry Annika. You know who you are and the best thing to do is have as little interaction with them as possible.
Betty in Pasco |
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craftystranger
True Blue Farmgirl
525 Posts
Barbara
Franklin
NC
USA
525 Posts |
Posted - Aug 04 2011 : 1:28:39 PM
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Annika love your idea. You can also bring a book on tape that requires earphones.... Oh and you just can not put it down because it is just "so" good!! I will be sending you calming vibes, Barbara
Don't forget to laugh! |
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Farmer Judy
True Blue Farmgirl
433 Posts
Judy
North Aurora
IL
USA
433 Posts |
Posted - Aug 04 2011 : 2:10:37 PM
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What ever happened to :leaving your parents and clinging to your spouse" when you get married. I've always been told the pecking order in our lives should be #1 God, #2 Spouse #3 Our kids, #4 the rest of the family and friends. I've taken care of both my parents till they died with a husband and kids and then my MIL moved in and we had her at the house until she flipped out one day and she went to a nursing home. She was picking on my youngest and being very mean, he was 10 with aspergers and it really hurt to see it happen. My DH agreed with me that it would never happen again.
Keep a stiff upper lip and keep telling yourself that they are a sandwich short of a picnic and it may be easier to swallow.
Judy
Born a city girl but a farm girl at heart!
http://farmtimes.blogspot.com/ |
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oldbittyhen
True Blue Farmgirl
1511 Posts
tina
quartz hill
ca
USA
1511 Posts |
Posted - Aug 04 2011 : 2:27:04 PM
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I agree with Betty, would never go somewhere, where I was not welcome, and where my husband did nothing to protect me from HIS parents, would not happen...
"Knowlege is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad" |
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MrsRooster
True Blue Farmgirl
1168 Posts
Amy
Seabrook
TX
USA
1168 Posts |
Posted - Aug 04 2011 : 2:48:04 PM
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My SIL treats me like crap and my hubby won't say anything. It makes it worse since we live here. But there is light at the end of the tunnel, as we may be moving.
Anyhoo, my prayers are with you. I have scars on the insides of my lips from biting them. LOL
www.mrsrooster.blogspot.com
www.morganicinstitute.blogspot.com
Farmgirl #1259
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Dusky Beauty
True Blue Farmgirl
1108 Posts
Jen
Tonopah
AZ
USA
1108 Posts |
Posted - Aug 04 2011 : 3:09:36 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Farmer Judy
What ever happened to :leaving your parents and clinging to your spouse" when you get married. I've always been told the pecking order in our lives should be #1 God, #2 Spouse #3 Our kids, #4 the rest of the family and friends.
Hear hear.
"The greatness of a nation and it's moral progress can be judged by the way it's animals are treated." ~Gandhi
http://silvermoonfarm.blogspot.com/
"After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.” ~Will Rogers |
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Annika
True Blue Farmgirl
5602 Posts
Annika
USA
5602 Posts |
Posted - Aug 04 2011 : 3:44:16 PM
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True, but I'm not alone here, many, many people have obnoxious family members that they have to deal with. I am glad that Andrew has time to visit his parents and relax. So I will just play deaf and ignore them when they are being unkind. Andrew does love me and stands up for me in all other aspects of our lives and that is what truly matters.
Annika
Farmgirl & sister #13
Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication. ~Leonardo DaVinci
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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl
7577 Posts
Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7577 Posts |
Posted - Aug 04 2011 : 3:58:07 PM
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Annika - my husband never stands up for me with his family, either. But he says that's because I can verbally and intellectually "take them." Gee, thanks, but I still feel left to the wolves. I've just learned to be comfortable in my own skin, to smile and be polite, and, as an extreme measure, I take a laxative before the time comes to go visit so I can stay home! LOL! After all, it's much better having self-induced stomach cramps than getting them from his family! (I AM ABSOLUTELY JUST KIDDING!). I still don't think it's right that he holds back in "covering" me where his family is concerned, but it's always a tough thing with family - in your case, especially parents; especially AGING parents. I know he loves me and respects me. I can deal. You're doing the right thing, you're a great person. I'm standing by my recommendation: just keep their mouths full! LOL!
(Psst... Remember: laaaaax-a-tiiiives....) ;)
Hugs -
Nini
Farmgirl Sister #1974
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
www.papercraftingwithnini.myctmh.com
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mickib
True Blue Farmgirl
267 Posts
Michele
Coeur d'Alene
Idaho
267 Posts |
Posted - Aug 04 2011 : 3:58:33 PM
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| Good luck Annika. Family can be so darn difficult. |
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Annika
True Blue Farmgirl
5602 Posts
Annika
USA
5602 Posts |
Posted - Aug 04 2011 : 4:14:39 PM
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LOL! Nini~ you can always set me off with the giggles!!! That is hilarious! We do many things for family that we wouldn't do for anyone else. Like putting up with tantrum tossing, name calling elderly in laws. I'll live through it but not without ranting!
HUGS!
Annika
Farmgirl & sister #13
Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication. ~Leonardo DaVinci
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embchicken
True Blue Farmgirl
1487 Posts
Elaine
Ocean
NJ
USA
1487 Posts |
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FarmDream
True Blue Farmgirl
1085 Posts
Julie
TX
USA
1085 Posts |
Posted - Aug 04 2011 : 7:24:44 PM
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I think you should watch a few episodes of Dynasty and Gone With the Wind before you go. There are certain lady-like ways to get your point across without saying cuss words. There's the good ole back handed compliments. "I gained weight so people wouldn't see all those ugly old people wrinkles." "Don't you hate how it smells like a mausoleum here?" "I just loved my grandmother..she was so sweet and nice. Nothing like you. Funny how people are so different." And the best Southern girl compliment with a big fat smile..."Bless your heart."
But if you just have to be a good girl, then I pray the weekend goes fast! ...maybe some nice bran muffins for them...lol
~FarmDream is Farmgirl Sister #3069
Live Today, Cherish Yesterday, Dream Tomorrow
http://naturaljulie.etsy.com
http://julie-rants.blogspot.com |
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Lady Woodworker
True Blue Farmgirl
259 Posts
Karen
Chamberlain
Maine
USA
259 Posts |
Posted - Aug 08 2011 : 7:48:50 PM
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You're hilarious FarmDream--
Annika, I feel for you. Too bad they are so hard to be around.
I have some family like that--some better, some worse.
I pray you'll get through it and, if you can't--
then I pray that you'll find the strength to walk out and drive the car home, leaving your husband there.
Sometimes drawing a line in the sand is just what a bunch of dysfunctionals like that need...
Hugs!
Karen
Farmgirl Sister # 2419 |
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melody
True Blue Farmgirl
3317 Posts
Melody
The Great North Woods in the Land of Hiawatha
USA
3317 Posts |
Posted - Aug 09 2011 : 08:03:22 AM
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Why put yourself through that mental anguish? If your husband wants to go- He can go all by himself.
Stay home....
Melody
Farmgirl #525 |
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Annika
True Blue Farmgirl
5602 Posts
Annika
USA
5602 Posts |
Posted - Aug 09 2011 : 08:16:52 AM
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Well, I survived the dreaded trip and am back home again. I didn't drink myself silly or resort to violence, though I did have to grit my teeth a lot to listen to their non-stop bickering for hours on end. The basket of goodies and a bouquet of pretty flowers seemed to sweeten them up to me quiet a bit and I actually had a pretty good time talking and laughing with ma-in-law Saturday. Killing them with kindness seems to do the trick.
The drive up was pretty and the drive back, through all of the varied landscape of north Idaho was incredible
Annika
Farmgirl & sister #13
Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication. ~Leonardo DaVinci
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MagnoliaWhisper
True Blue Farmgirl
2817 Posts
Heather
Haysville
Kansas
USA
2817 Posts |
Posted - Aug 09 2011 : 2:58:43 PM
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It's probably too late now, you have probably been married too long to do anything else but what you are doing. So good for you for just sticking with it, and doing your part.
As for my husband, I can honestly say I don't think he seen it at first. As his parents treated him the same way-it wasn't just me they were picking on! He wasn't raised by them though, he was raised by his grandparents, so I don't think he knew how "parents" were supposed to be.
I seen my step grandparents constantly bash on my mom. I wasn't going to live my next 60 or so years like that (yeah my step grandparents lived to be 105! So 65 years with them! ACK!). That being said, I brought it up to my husband every time! And told him exactly the XYZ of what was wrong with what they had said/done. And why I was not going to be treated like that! Sometimes it was me sitting out in the car while he visited them! Sometimes he would get upset with me, but after thinking about it, he finally seen I was right about what I had said about them. After being married about 9 months, they took things too far one day, and I just laid down the law that HE would HAVE to do something about what they were doing and I told him word for word what to say. I knew their kind and I knew you had to say things a certain way or it wouldn't work. Thankfully he did, and that cut out a LOT of what they were doing. They still would test him/us sometimes though.
We lived halfway across country from my parents so he didn't have to deal with them much. However, twice my mother in visits treated him badly. The second time, I was dead serious with my mom and told her we would be leaving and we would not be returning. That I would NOT tolerate her treating my husband in such a way. That I would not tolerate being treated that way by his parents, and he would not be treated that way by mine. She knew I was serious. She apologized and promised to never do it again. I tossed and turned in bed each night for a long time as to weather to give her another chance or not. My husband said it was up to me, he would go again if I wanted to, however, he would not be tolerate her treatment either, and that if we went he would just stay at a hotel or something. Any way...I decided she was my mother and we would give her one more chance. Boy was I nervous, truly I didn't know if she would change or not. It's been about 8 years and she has never done it again! NEVER! She's been good to my husband ever since. Even talks him up to other people (compliments him, goes on and on about what a good guy he is, etc).
His parents still like to backslide to see if they will get by with it. About 2 years ago we were in the car with DMIL and she started screaming at me, literally screaming trying to "fight" with me. Where there is no wood there's no fire, so I wouldn't say anything (cause if I did.......holy cow who knows what I would of said! lol) so I just kept my lips sealed, tightly and she kept on and on. Finally, my husband turned the car around, drove in front of her house and stopped. She looked at him and said what is going on, what are you doing? He said, I'm taking you home. Get out! (we were supposed to be taking her shopping). She said aren't you taking me to the mall, you said you would. He said not today, get out! She said, why I never! And just went on and on about how hurt she was. He told her she couldn't talk to his wife that way, and now she would be getting out and he would see her later! Things never went that far again! She got the point. Lately she has been super sweet too, and in fact after that day she hasn't tried as much to be so crazy again!
However, on the other hand, I think if you let things go too long then you just have to make do and your marriage should always be the most important thing. So if you choose to put up with it, then do what you have to do. I just would recommend putting down the rules early! And sticking by them.
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
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Acelady02
True Blue Farmgirl
1266 Posts
Penny
Washington
GA
USA
1266 Posts |
Posted - Aug 10 2011 : 06:07:25 AM
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I learned something from my Momma. You don't have to put yourself in those situations. I finally decided I didn't have to put myself in places I didn't want to be. My DH stepmom is so bad to him and me that I refuse to be around her. Jim has explained to his Dad that he loves him but will not take abuse from his wife. She has been married to my FIL for over 30 years and it just keeps getting worse. It may not work for everyone but I explained to DH that my peace of mind and our marriage is more important than she is...so he said he understood...so home I stay...hope you find peace in what ever you decide...I've been there it isn't easy. Prayers for you.
(((((Hugs All)))))Penny
Farmgirl Sister #3343
God gives Miracles to those who Believe, Courage to those with Faith, Hope to those who Dream, Love to those who Accept, & Forgiveness to those who Ask... |
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mickib
True Blue Farmgirl
267 Posts
Michele
Coeur d'Alene
Idaho
267 Posts |
Posted - Aug 10 2011 : 11:19:45 AM
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| Annika, I'm glad you survived and even had a bit of a good time with your mother in law. Here's to killing 'em with kindness! |
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walkinwalkoutcattle
True Blue Farmgirl
1675 Posts
Megan
Paint Lick
KY
USA
1675 Posts |
Posted - Aug 10 2011 : 2:33:26 PM
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How was it?!
Farmgirl #2879 :)
Starbucks and sushi to green fried tomatoes and corn pudding-I wouldn't change it for the world.
www.cattleandcupcakes.blogspot.com
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Lieberkim
True Blue Farmgirl
839 Posts
Kimberly
Sunnyside
WASHINGTON
USA
839 Posts |
Posted - Aug 12 2011 : 10:20:41 AM
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Reading these posts has made me cry! Thank you all for sharing as you have. My own in-law situation is not a pleasant one. In fact it's gotten to the point where I refuse to have anything to do with them and I won't welcome them into my home for the sake of my own health. I'm DONE. For eight years I've gone through this and every time I tried to explain it to my husband what was happening I'd be told it wasn't there, I was foolish, he didn't believe me. Keep in mind I didn't attack his family when talking with him I just tried to explain what was happening. The blow up came at Christmas. They caused a LOT of trouble again, before we were to make the trip down there. This time he was furious and supposedly believing me. But once we got there I literally got left behind and ignored while he bowed to their every whim. He caved to them after everything we had talked about and decided on. He had even sought counsel with a pastor he respects and the pastor told him not to cave. That protecting his wife should be his first priority. As important as our extended family is they should come after our spouse and children. It was then that I realized he was never going to put me in the position of wife in his life. I'm the other woman apparantly, when I should be the only woman. We almost separated after Christmas. He needs to leave and cleave. I need to forgive. We've gone to some counselling and we're working on our marriage. Lord willing we'll be able to rescue or family (we have two precious children). I've told him I don't trust him and he's said I have good reason not to. He's very sorry for letting me down and wants to make it up. I want the marriage I always dreamed we could have. We're both working on it. But I understand the agony in-laws can bring into your life.
Heather I congratulate you and your husband on your priorities of spouse first. My parents have never done or said anything against my husband. They love him like a son. But if they ever had I'd let it fly. I even told my mom once that if they had ever said or done anything to cause him grief like that I'd cut ties with them. She replied that she knew that because I've always been so loyal to him. You two obviously understand leave and cleave. |
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Family Matters: In-laws *gritting my teeth* |
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In-laws *gritting my teeth*
