| Author |
Family Matters:  He left me  |
|
medievalcat
True Blue Farmgirl
256 Posts
Cynthia
White County
Arkansas
USA
256 Posts |
 Posted - Dec 19 2010 : 12:12:33 PM
|
Hello Ladies..
I'm writing with a broken heart because my husband of 8 years walked out last night and refuses to talk to me. He's a recovering alcoholic and I think he might be bi-polar. I found out he's been lying to me about several very important issues and I asked him about it last night. I knew before I said anything that he proubly would leave. He became very angry and pushed my buttons when I kept asking him about this and that. I finally got so angry because I know he's done something so unethical to our finances that it cause serious legal issues. He refused to answer any of my questions. I don't remember what he said but I finally told him that he could pack his stuff and leave. Which he did.
Of course during the packing part he kept yelling about me about my failures and how I don't want him anymore. He accused me of wanting to be with my ex.. (oh yuck if I did I would need serious help). At this point I knew it was pointless to try and say anything. I did apologize for telling him to leave.
Thankfully the youngest kid was visiting her friend and the two teenagers stayed in their room during all this. My husband has threatened to move out so many times before that I knew it wouldn't take much to get him to go.
And I still don't have a clue to know what sort of problems he has caused me financially. I gave him full control over our finances so now I'm trying to figure it out for myself.
I want things to be back to what they were..but I know it won't be fixed with anything from the past.
He's at his daughter's house which is about 20 minutes from here. I've offered to take him his medication and other important stuff but he's told me through her that if I show up he's going to leave for good. Yep he's still angry.
So how do we have a merry Christmas now? How do I find out how much trouble I can be in... he's signed my name to bank accounts that I never knew about.. there's at least 20k missing.
I'm really heartbroken because I love the stupid oaf. And I do love him more than money. I don't know how to get his anger out of the equation.
I have no friends where I live and I have to be at work Monday morning. He's suppose to come over Monday and pick up the rest of his stuff. I've told the teenagers to stay in their room and call me.
Sorry for the rambling.
Cynthia |
|
|
dutchy
True Blue Farmgirl
4427 Posts
4427 Posts |
Posted - Dec 19 2010 : 12:46:37 PM
|
((((((((((Cynthia))))))))))) I can't give any advice, just big hugs and a shoulder to lean on.
Hugs from Marian/Dutchy, a farmgirl from the Netherlands :)
http://pinkprincessdecorating.blogspot.com/
Almost daily updates on me, my home and my crafts
Farmgirl sister # 2410 |
 |
|
|
Annika
True Blue Farmgirl
5602 Posts
Annika
USA
5602 Posts |
Posted - Dec 19 2010 : 1:20:12 PM
|
Cynthia, I'm so terribly sorry that you are hurting when he is the one with the problems and needs the help. It is not fair to you and the kids =( *hugs*
I wish too that I could offer advice on getting him to come back and calm down.
I hope that you will be ok and offer a shoulder to lean on.
I don't want you or your children in danger...
Please keep us posted and take care.
More hugs!
Annika
Farmgirl & sister #13
Palouse Prairie Girls Chapter
http://palouseprairiegirls.blogspot.com/
http://prairiegirlsjournal.blogspot.com/
Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication. ~Leonardo DaVinci
|
|
|
|
classygram
True Blue Farmgirl
1812 Posts
Brenda
Pleasant Hill
Mo.
USA
1812 Posts |
Posted - Dec 19 2010 : 1:25:46 PM
|
Cynthia so sorry that you have to deal with this. You and your family are in my prayers. Please stay safe.
Hugs, Brenda
http:///www.scatteredlittleblessings.blogspot.com
Seek reasons to Love..In every sigment of everyday-look for something that brings forth within you a feeling of Love-Abraham Hicks |
|
|
|
gramadinah
True Blue Farmgirl
3557 Posts
Diana
Orofino
ID
USA
3557 Posts |
Posted - Dec 19 2010 : 2:50:30 PM
|
Get a lawyer NOW..
Farmgirl Sister #273 |
|
|
|
emsmommy5
True Blue Farmgirl
1547 Posts
Angie
Buckley
WA
USA
1547 Posts |
Posted - Dec 19 2010 : 3:05:50 PM
|
So sorry. You are in my prayers.
Do what you love, love what you do. |
|
|
|
karla
True Blue Farmgirl
1308 Posts
karla
Pella
Iowa
USA
1308 Posts |
Posted - Dec 19 2010 : 3:40:17 PM
|
You will be in my prayers this week. You are in the midst of a difficult time but you are never alone. Get on the phone & contact the banks & find out what he may have done! I agree get a lawyer. They can save you from alot of the mess he has created.It will be a hectic week but Christmas will happpen. It is up to you to make it the best you are able for your kids. I pray for strength & comfort in this week. Keep us posted.
Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
http://rua2j-grammysheirlooms.blogspot.com/ |
|
|
|
AmethystRose
True Blue Farmgirl
254 Posts
Rosemary
Huntingdon
PA
USA
254 Posts |
Posted - Dec 19 2010 : 3:46:17 PM
|
You need the lawyer. Even if he comes crawling back, and you want him back. His illness has damaged the financial integrity of the family.
If you have the strength to post your troubles, you have the strength. |
|
|
|
Windsong
True Blue Farmgirl
309 Posts
LaVonna
Decatur
Tx
309 Posts |
Posted - Dec 19 2010 : 3:47:56 PM
|
Oh, Hon, there is so much worse things to happen than living alone. If he stays and you are now aware of the legal issues then you will appear as guilty. If you start trying to straighten out things then there is protection as an innocent spouse. At least with the IRS and I think others will take it in to account.
One piece of advice I totally agree with is you need and attorney and you need them now. They will probably give you advice that will make this easier.
I know love gets in the way of all of this and maybe will keep you from doing things you know you should. But unless you have 20K ...And I will pray for you as well.
Farmgirl Sister #758
www.windsongwellnessandtherapyshoppe.com
http://sadiesfarm.blogspot.com/
http://healthtalkcafe.blogspot.com/ |
|
|
|
Aunt Jenny
True Blue Farmgirl
11381 Posts
Jenny
middle of
Utah
USA
11381 Posts |
Posted - Dec 19 2010 : 3:58:38 PM
|
Oh Cynthia..I hate that you are having to deal with this. I have been where you are now. I agree with the other gals about getting a lawyer. I hated to do it as well...but you reall should, and soon! I will sure be thinking of you and keeping you and your family in my prayers. IT will get better!
Jenny in Utah
Proud Farmgirl sister #24
Inside me there is a skinny woman crying to get out...but I can usually shut her up with cookies
http://www.auntjennysworld.blogspot.com/ visit my little online shop at www.auntjenny.etsy.com |
|
|
|
msdoolittle
True Blue Farmgirl
1143 Posts
Amanda
East Texas
USA
1143 Posts |
Posted - Dec 19 2010 : 4:15:54 PM
|
I am so sorry about this for you. So apparently he is a liar to boot. How infuriating...I can't even imagine. Time for a GOOD attorney (a real pit bull-type) to protect you and your children financially and otherwise. As I have discovered, you don't divorce the same person you married. I got saddled with a lot of debt in my divorce, which was certainly not all mine, but my lawyer was a joke.
Any good relationship is built on trust, and he apparently has just ruined that. You can't be married to a person you don't trust. Based on his actions, he cares more for himself than for his family.
If the relationship is volatile, trust me (!!!) as a stepchild with egocentric/abusive step-parents...it would be MUCH better for the children for you not to be in a bad relationship. 26 years after my parents re-married, I still suffer in many ways due to their poor choices in mates.
Wishing you the best!!!
FarmGirl #1390
www.mylittlecountry.wordpress.com |
|
|
|
Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22937 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22937 Posts |
Posted - Dec 19 2010 : 4:59:42 PM
|
Cynthia- This is heart breaking and I know you love him more than money, but him forging you signature is a huge legal issue. I workk at a very large bank and I can tell you- this can get messy. Especially with 20K missing. That is a huge deal. I would also like to advise you to get a lawyer right now and let them help you. What your husband did was not only illegal but seriously unethical. It is identity theft and if you don't get it taken care of now, you could be held liable for unknow transactions that your husband might have fraudulently authorized under your name and a the very least have to deal with seriously damaged credit.
Another problem is depending on your state bad checks and such over a certain dollar amound (for example I know in Washington State it's $500) is considered a Felony and could cause jail time.
I am REALLY concerned that he was opening accounts under your name that you don't know about. Please Please Please get some legal counsel. Some lawyers will do a consultation without charging a fee.
At the very least I would call all the banks in your area and ask if there is an account with your name on it and ask for copies of all bank statements since you let your husband have control of the finances. Let them know it is because of identity theft and possible forged signature and usually they will let you have the statement copies for free (since many banks now charge a fee for statement reprints).
I hope it all resolves well! Please email me if there is anything I can do!
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
www.allergyjourneys.blogspot.com
Put your pin on the farmgirl map! www.farmgirlmap.blogspot.com |
|
|
|
medievalcat
True Blue Farmgirl
256 Posts
Cynthia
White County
Arkansas
USA
256 Posts |
Posted - Dec 19 2010 : 5:26:31 PM
|
Thank you ladies from my heart. he did come back and has agreed to take his name off the bank.and I'm calling them tomorrow to make sure he does. I also will be talking to lawyer just to know what my rights are. He's a very chronically ill man with congestive heart failure among other things. He hasn't admitted doing anything wrong (or course) but he said he will sell his truck and give me the money. I also informed him he is to call his doctor in the morning and get on something better for his depression.
Studying psychology I have learned that some long term depression leads to deep seated anger. No excuse because he has health insurance (unlike me). We will see what tomorrow brings. Thank you again and I will post tomorrow with more news. |
|
|
|
Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl
7577 Posts
Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7577 Posts |
Posted - Dec 19 2010 : 5:45:15 PM
|
Oh geez...Cynthia, I see that you posted while I was typing mine, so I'm just going to edit mine to say that I'm glad he's back and you'll be working things out as best as possible. :) Alee is 100% right on all counts, truly, so PLEASE do heed her advice. You have to trust your instincts on this, and from reading your post, you've got very good ones. :) You won't be alone, you have all of us, and our support. And rest assured, I'll be praying for you both through this. God bless you both, help you and give you wisdom and strength - Nini
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
Farmgirl Sister #1974 |
Edited by - Ninibini on Dec 19 2010 6:16:56 PM |
|
|
|
melanie47601
True Blue Farmgirl
1949 Posts
Melanie
Boonville
IN
USA
1949 Posts |
|
|
maggie14
True Blue Farmgirl
6784 Posts
Hannah
Washington
USA
6784 Posts |
Posted - Dec 19 2010 : 9:44:32 PM
|
Cynthia, I am praying for you!! Please know we are here for you!
Hugs,
Hannah
Farmgirl sister #1219
Lifes not about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.
Just a small town country girl, farmgirl,loggergirl, trying to live her dreams. :)
P.s. I've been playing around with the spelling of my name ( weird I know) and I've decided that I will stick with Hannah for good. Sorry I got you all confused. Hugs!! |
|
|
|
Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22937 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22937 Posts |
Posted - Dec 19 2010 : 10:00:09 PM
|
Cynthia- I am glad he is back as love is very important. I am still concerned about the cash and possible accounts. I hope you are able to get it resolved quickly and with as little negative impact as possible. Again- please let me know if I can help in anyway.
Lots of love!
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
www.allergyjourneys.blogspot.com
Put your pin on the farmgirl map! www.farmgirlmap.blogspot.com |
|
|
|
FieldsofThyme
Farmgirl Guide & Schoolmarm / Chapter Leader
4928 Posts
USA
4928 Posts |
|
|
goneriding
True Blue Farmgirl
1599 Posts
Winona
Central Oregon
USA
1599 Posts |
Posted - Dec 25 2010 : 07:08:58 AM
|
Okay, I'm taking a little harder nosed approach. Get to AA and Al-Anon and get some support there.
I'm sorry, he's not a recovering alcoholic. I can't think of the term but he's a dry alcolholic, still sort of functioning but just not drinking.
Been there, done that, have the T-shirt. Emotional abuser too. But you can stop all that, to be blunt (as someone told me so passing it along), grow a spine and take control of your life. You only have one life, how do you want to spend it??
To be honest, just reading your original post took me back to old times and the anger. Don't waste your life with some clown who is a manipulator, drunk, etc.
Think of your kids, what are you teaching them by sticking with this guy?? Would you want your daughter in this kind of relationship?? So, aren't you worth more then?? Don't make excuses for him. Stay safe becuase when he figgers out he can't manipulate you, you may have some domestic problems. Be pro-active.
You're way better than what you are getting. I know this sounds mean but the best advice I ever got was from a reality therapist who'd been in my shoes and flat told me how the cow ate the cabbage. All the shrinks and pshychs in the world didn't help until this lady laid it on the line. I wished I knew where she was nowadays, I'd thank her profusely for my life!!
For some 'venting'-type of entertainment, please read my blog, http://lostadventuresintrucking.blogspot.com . Now with pictures!!
|
|
|
|
delicia
True Blue Farmgirl
917 Posts
delicia
cincinnati
ohio
USA
917 Posts |
Posted - Dec 25 2010 : 10:21:43 AM
|
Cynthia, I agree with Winona. He needs counseling and so do you. I really feel bad for your kid's what if the young one had been at home or even though they were in their rooms how do you think your kid's felt hearing the argument? They are in a place where you are making decisions for them. Have you talked with them about how they feel about the situation? Do you have a Church family that you can talk too? I am sad for you and understand that you love him but, love yourself and your kid's and make sure that you are doing what is right for them... I do work in the banking industry and if he has broken the law and identity theft is a large break.... He is not thinking of you and his family first. I hope that he get's his medications straightened out and his life but, that is not something that you can do for him. He has to take the first step in making it happen.
delicia |
|
|
|
marjean
True Blue Farmgirl
3851 Posts
Marsha
Deltona
FL
USA
3851 Posts |
Posted - Dec 25 2010 : 11:32:50 AM
|
Dear Cynthia,
I know how hard it is to not be enabler to someone with these issues. But, that is what we become when we let them make us feel sorry for them instead of helping them.
Long story short find the book at the library called Adult children of Alcoholics. It will open your eyes to what it does to a person. I'm living proof that if you can stand up and take control of your life and get the abusers out of it, you'll be a much happier and stable person.
It isn't going to be easy by any means and you have to stand you ground and keep you word to yourself and to them.
I have another wonderful book on how to make your family life happier. I'll email you for your address.
It took my Mother over 40 years to finally get the strength to divorce my dad. Don't wait that long. He had property she didn't know about and a long list of other things that all came out later. You wind up being married to a lie and that does more damage to your mind than you can possibly know. As you have found out now.
You're in my prayers. My Mom always thought she was doing the right thing when she took him back time and time again. But, it just kept getting worse and worse over time.
I'm here if you need to talk.
Farmgirl sister #308
handmade cards, vintage organizer bags and more at www.jeanpatchbymk.etsy.com
http://jeanpatch.blogspot.com
www.fullerdirect.com
id#0920150
www.watkinsonline.com/rjaramillo
www.sunshinefarmgirlcoop.com |
|
|
|
Penny Wise
True Blue Farmgirl
1903 Posts
Margo
Elyria
OH
USA
1903 Posts |
Posted - Dec 25 2010 : 1:26:25 PM
|
i read this post when it was originally put on...i still think that you need to take care of you and your kids and allowing him to come back under any circumstances is not the right thing to do....i also work in the banking industry and it makes me ill seeing what ppl go thru because of a spouse or SO damaging their acct and/or credit.--and with the alcoholism--i too have btdt got the tshirts!
being alone at Christmas probably scares you and specially with kids- however self respect and pride and security in knowing you are doing your best for yourself...
well- i'm sorry i didn't mean to preach; rather wanted to send prayers and hugs.....
Farmgirl # 2139
~*~ counting my pennies and biding my time; my dreams are adding up!~*~ |
|
|
|
MrsRooster
True Blue Farmgirl
1168 Posts
Amy
Seabrook
TX
USA
1168 Posts |
Posted - Dec 25 2010 : 1:30:14 PM
|
Lots of hugs. I would still talk to a lawyer. Lots of issues that are very sticky.
I hope that you can find some peace. God Bless.
www.mrsrooster.blogspot.com
Farmgirl #1259
|
|
|
|
rough start farmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
3331 Posts
marianne
The Beautiful Pacific NW
Washington State
USA
3331 Posts |
Posted - Dec 25 2010 : 6:27:37 PM
|
Cynthia,
I think these women are sharing very valuable advice. I pray you can hear there message. Stay strong and safe.
Marianne |
|
|
|
missusprim
True Blue Farmgirl
400 Posts
Karen
Fostoria
Ohio
USA
400 Posts |
Posted - Dec 25 2010 : 6:46:21 PM
|
Lousy time of year to be dealing with this mess, and it amplifies it all the more. Many hugs to you!
However, even if he recoups the 20k you're still left with a man who has the capacity to lie about serious issues that not only puts you at financial risk - but is also jeopardizing the kids welfare on many, many levels both now and in the future. That is a LOT of money; and his lying in order to use your name to falsify records is not a small offense. Not giving you a valid reason for his actions is a big red light. Get a lawyer and do some house cleaning. You may be asking for a life of having to cover for the distrust and dysfunction that he has/might create(d) with impressionable children that look up to you for guidance.
Please take care of yourself and the kids, and keep us posted!
|
|
|
|
MaryLD
True Blue Farmgirl
861 Posts
Mary
New Braunfels
TX
USA
861 Posts |
Posted - Dec 26 2010 : 07:56:30 AM
|
I too have survived a long line of users and abusers. In my case, it started with my dad, and left a deep, lasting impression that love came at a price. A devasting price that ran a chord of destruction and self destruction through all my love relationships ( and hence, into my day to day reality) until I was in my mid 30's. with a preteen son. Some part of me was still trying to get love from a source not capable of giving it. It was as if getting blood from a stone would heal the original wound of my father's abuse. A therapist helped me see that we repeat the same patterns, trying to " get it right'- but there is no getting it right, we have to accept that the person (s) who harmed us are wrong. We did not do something wrong to deserve the abuse (anything done by another person to control us, disrupt our lives, or make us feel unsafe is abuse.) Even if we have made mistakes in a relationship, grown ups do not abuse one another as punishment for making mistakes. We have to forgive ourselves for accepting less than we deserve, and for allowing our lives to become unmanagable due to the fallout of relationship choices.
There has been a lot of great advice given here. I wish you the best. I'm sorry for your sadness and losses at this time. It is normal to go through the shock, anger, and denial of grief when relaionships are chaotic. The denial part can land us in a HEAP of trouble- we have to work through to the soul searching and accepting so we can let go on move on- alone or in a complete renewal of the current relationship. That's what grief is. Don't go it alone- there are professionals and volunteer services that can help you on your way.
Love,
Mary
Haflingers- You can't have just one!
( I'm just one short of a drill team!) |
|
|
|
Family Matters: He left me |
|
He left me
