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Family Matters:  He left me  |
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LucyMae
Farmgirl at Heart
8 Posts
Lisa
Jasper
Al
USA
8 Posts |
 Posted - Dec 26 2010 : 09:24:05 AM
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If you took love out of the equation how would you feel? Obviously he did when he signed your name to the accounts. And the anger.... the blame game stating it was all on you... thats just pure manipulation. I know this hurts to see in black and white, but there are alot of people who have been through this and care about you as a human being and know you deserve better. I hope you see that as well.
Love,hugs, and prayers for you and your family |
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medievalcat
True Blue Farmgirl
256 Posts
Cynthia
White County
Arkansas
USA
256 Posts |
Posted - Dec 27 2010 : 09:38:45 AM
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Thank you ladies each and everyone of you. Your words and stories really make my eyes open. I spoke with a friend last Thursday and she and I have been through a lot together but with her schedule and mine it's so hard to find the time to talk. She told me I need to start really looking at my own life and to see what is it I NEED and then what is it I WANT. She does not advocate divorce but let me know I'm the strongest person she's ever known so don't be afraid to leave if that is what needs to happen.
I have had several long talks with my husband. One was through tears and anger and threw his own words back at him. He stood quietly with tears running down his face. He said he was truly sorry and that he was going to be a better husband. (not holding my breath). I told him about my talk with my friend and he thought about what she and I had to say. He told me he was working really hard to be better.. he never knew the kids loved him.. he was horribly abused by his father so he never felt what it's like to be a loving father. I knew about some of the baggage he had before we married but then over the past 8 years it's just added and added. He admitted that I was NOT to blame for anything.
He is calling a therapist who he use to see and trying to get an appointment with her and he's going to see if they will change his medications because something obviously isn't right.
I am strong enough to live without him and I won't be out looking for a replacement. After my husband I have too many men to deal with and I just want to be left alone and hang out with my kids.
Financially I know I can dig us out of this mess by March (fingers crossed).
Thank you again and again ladies. I wish so many of us didn't know what abuse is or what it can be.
Love,
Cynthia |
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marjean
True Blue Farmgirl
3851 Posts
Marsha
Deltona
FL
USA
3851 Posts |
Posted - Dec 27 2010 : 10:20:00 AM
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Cynthia,
I'm so happy to hear you are willing to do what is best for you and your family. In my family we follow the Bible's advise and do not divorce unless it is for adultry, abuse near death and if they are a child abuser. But, then it is up to the indivual to decide.
That is why it took my mother so long to know what to do.
She had evidence of adultry and filed for divorce and they worked it out and then to our horror some years later found out my dad is a child abuser. So, with more evidence of adultry again she divorced him. He had secretly bought other property with my brother so when that came out, my Mom got the house in the city and he got the property in the country.
But, if she would had followed through with the first divorce what tore the family apart years later would never had happened.
I'll be praying he does the right thing this time for both your sakes.
Farmgirl sister #308
handmade cards, vintage organizer bags and more at www.jeanpatchbymk.etsy.com
http://jeanpatch.blogspot.com
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id#0920150
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www.sunshinefarmgirlcoop.com |
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knittingmom
True Blue Farmgirl
665 Posts
AnneMarie
Edmonton
Alberta
Canada
665 Posts |
Posted - Dec 27 2010 : 10:31:11 AM
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Our prayers are with you and your family through this. If you can get into family counselling that can not hurt. Ultimately remember that though you love him you and the kids are your priority.
"There is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world" |
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LucyMae
Farmgirl at Heart
8 Posts
Lisa
Jasper
Al
USA
8 Posts |
Posted - Dec 27 2010 : 3:35:51 PM
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I had a wise sister (now deceased) that said everyone deserves one chance to make things right. You are a strong woman and no matter what, you must do what is right for you and your children. Pray, ask God for direction, and it will come. It is not for anyone but you to understand what you do and why. We are here, we offer friendship and love without judgement. We cannot judge if we have not walked in your shoes.
Love and Blessings |
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SusanScarlet
True Blue Farmgirl
317 Posts
317 Posts |
Posted - Dec 29 2010 : 1:34:59 PM
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| Cynthia - Might I suggest that you have credit reports run on you and also your children. Unfortunately, if your husband had access to your children's social security numbers, credit cards/loans could be obtained in their names, not paid and then their credit is harmed. A member of my family had this happen to him when he was under 18. His parents used his social security number to obtain credit and then did not pay. A real mess but he finally got it straightened out. Also, sometimes we think we're in love with a person, when really we're in love with who we wish that person was. I've been there. Sending prayers your way. |
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goneriding
True Blue Farmgirl
1599 Posts
Winona
Central Oregon
USA
1599 Posts |
Posted - Dec 30 2010 : 11:15:42 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by SusanScarlet
Also, sometimes we think we're in love with a person, when really we're in love with who we wish that person was. I've been there. Sending prayers your way.
This.
I'm sorry, but I'm having trouble reading this post. I see the manipulation starting all over.
Please stay strong and if you need some stone ovaries, I and others are here. I'm not sorry I feel this way, I'm just a tougher cookie than I used to be...
For some 'venting'-type of entertainment, please read my blog, http://lostadventuresintrucking.blogspot.com . Now with pictures!!
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missusprim
True Blue Farmgirl
400 Posts
Karen
Fostoria
Ohio
USA
400 Posts |
Posted - Dec 31 2010 : 07:32:19 AM
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quote:
I'm sorry, but I'm having trouble reading this post. I see the manipulation starting all over.
I'm leaning towards feeling this way as well. My biggest concerns here are the kids and what they've witnessed/overheard between you and your DH.
This isn't a case of someone not fessing up to putting an empty container of orange juice back in the fridge. What your DH did was a calculated act of deceit over a period of time, and with a big lump of money to boot. There was a huge breach of trust that not only involves you but your kids as well and it's still unclear as to what his reasons were as he hasn't told you? Alcoholism, abuse, etc. is not an excuse or reason to justify what your DH has done.
I don't think anyone on MJF advocates divorce, and I would be included. However, there are times when you have to take a hard look at yourself and ask some tough questions about the present and your future and how this not only affects you but your kids, too.
I always hope for the best, but I also prepare for the worst. I'm a woman who has been dealt a wicked hand in many ways but it's made me wiser to how I protect myself and my kids. I only ask that you don't sell yourself short. You deserve to be happy and carefree to enjoy life.
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medievalcat
True Blue Farmgirl
256 Posts
Cynthia
White County
Arkansas
USA
256 Posts |
Posted - Jan 04 2011 : 11:42:47 AM
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Thank you ladies for your kindness and support. I'm glad Christmas is over and I can start working to fix the problems that were created by my DH. He's very sorry for what he's done and he's trying to make amends. But my fears is that one day he will resent me for this tight control I have over everything. I'm taking it one day at a time and I've talked to his adult daughter and explained why I may end up kicking him out. She completely understands and is very upset with her dad. He's yet to go into therapy but I can't force him to do it. I told him he has to start caring about himself and taking care of himself. I refuse to feel sorry for him any longer.
I want this year to be one of love and respect for all of us. The kids want him to stay with us.. he's not their biological dad... last week while the kids were home I discovered he did not make them do any chores. So this past weekend I ended up being the mean parent to get them to do anything. I confronted them about it and told him that it's not fair to me to have to be the mean person. He agreed and apologized.
Why is marriage never 50/50?
Take care and I'll report as I can ( I have limited internet at home).
Cynthia |
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MrsRooster
True Blue Farmgirl
1168 Posts
Amy
Seabrook
TX
USA
1168 Posts |
Posted - Jan 04 2011 : 1:53:34 PM
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I am continuing to pray for you.
He needs to work on himself. You need to heal.
Take your time.
Lots of love
www.mrsrooster.blogspot.com
Farmgirl #1259
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alterationsbyemily
True Blue Farmgirl
686 Posts
Emily
Thomasville
PA
USA
686 Posts |
Posted - Jan 13 2011 : 5:51:51 PM
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You will be in my prayers. I hope that you can get your information quickly.
--
See my custom costumes, download free patterns, and hear some spook EVPs from Gettysburg, PA on my site, www.alterationsbyemily.com |
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prayin granny
True Blue Farmgirl
1874 Posts
Linda
Kansas
1874 Posts |
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medievalcat
True Blue Farmgirl
256 Posts
Cynthia
White County
Arkansas
USA
256 Posts |
Posted - Jan 17 2011 : 11:22:09 AM
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Some good news! My husband has put his truck up for sale and has therapy appointment in Feb.
Thank you for all your support and prayers. |
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prayin granny
True Blue Farmgirl
1874 Posts
Linda
Kansas
1874 Posts |
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Carianne
Farmgirl in Training
15 Posts
Carianne
Bushnell
FL
USA
15 Posts |
Posted - Feb 03 2011 : 7:12:21 PM
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I was in a very similar situation. My husband finally left. He's got severe derpression and doesn't care to have a relationship with anyone in the world, including me. He's very alone. But he's spent up a fortune and put himself way in debt since we've split. I filed for divorce because I could see the tidal wave coming of financial problems if I didn't. I even had him taken off the house. I didn't have extra money laying around for a lawyer, but there is help and I found it.
In your position you need to be ready for anything. So put away money for YOU someplace where he can't get it. Always have a back up plan. That's not trusting him, or God that's being prudent. When you have kids, you have to do what you have to do. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. So until he's got a LONG time of being more agreeable, figure that he's still the same. You are lucky to have a good friend. That is better than a counselor anyday, she cares about you. All the best. |
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smiley
True Blue Farmgirl
650 Posts
lea
pea ridge
arkansas
USA
650 Posts |
Posted - May 14 2011 : 8:22:38 PM
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| Just wondering now that the holidays are behind us is the situation any better? Is there a clebrate recovery program around you? |
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medievalcat
True Blue Farmgirl
256 Posts
Cynthia
White County
Arkansas
USA
256 Posts |
Posted - May 15 2011 : 5:31:31 PM
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Hello everyone and many thank you for the well wishes and advice. Currently things are going really good. I'm living in Louisiana and my husband and kids are in Arkansas until mid June. I have given him the reigns and have told him where the buck stops. I landed a job quicker than I had plans for so now I'm still scrambling to get us all moved here. Our relationship has become stronger and in part I think it's because my depression has improved and him and the kids are excited about moving here too. He has responsibilities now and he can't let anyone down but himself.
But in case he decides to be an a** once we are all here I have a second plan figured out and feel strong enough to accomplish anything I set my mind on. I never realized how much I depended on him for just about everything. Living apart from him during this has given me new strength.
I will try to post more soon but I'm borrowing a computer until mine arrives.
Cyn |
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rksmith
True Blue Farmgirl
858 Posts
Rachel
Clayton
GA
USA
858 Posts |
Posted - May 17 2011 : 7:59:21 PM
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Hope that all continues to improve and go well for you.
Rachel
Farmgirl Sister #2753
Do not ask the Lord to guide your footsteps, if you are not willing to move your feet--Dr. Kioni
http://madame1313.wordpress.com/ |
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walkinwalkoutcattle
True Blue Farmgirl
1675 Posts
Megan
Paint Lick
KY
USA
1675 Posts |
Posted - May 21 2011 : 05:43:40 AM
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Cynthia, I'm glad you've found that inner strength. I swear, once us as women discover it, we're invincible! More power to you!
Farmgirl #2879 :)
Starbucks and sushi to green fried tomatoes and corn pudding-I wouldn't change it for the world.
www.cattleandcupcakes.blogspot.com
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bboopster
True Blue Farmgirl
1140 Posts
Betty Jo
West Bend
Wisconsin
USA
1140 Posts |
Posted - May 23 2011 : 08:15:01 AM
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Megan what you said is so true. 17 years ago I was left with 5 children and no idea what I was going to do. Today all 5 are grown, my 3 boys military, 2 daughters wonderful mothers to 2 babies each. All 5 support themselves and are wonderful people. I would suggest looking into the "Fireproof" series for self help. Look up "Fireproof your marriage" awesome movie and the books are a great help too. Good Luck and remember we are here for you! 
http://www.bboopster.blogspot.com
Nana to 5
3 Blue Star Mother and Proud of it!
Pray for our troops to come home safe and soon.
Enjoying the road to the simple life :>) |
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walkinwalkoutcattle
True Blue Farmgirl
1675 Posts
Megan
Paint Lick
KY
USA
1675 Posts |
Posted - May 25 2011 : 07:37:31 AM
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I second the "Fireproof" series! :) Good tip, Betty Jo!
Farmgirl #2879 :)
Starbucks and sushi to green fried tomatoes and corn pudding-I wouldn't change it for the world.
www.cattleandcupcakes.blogspot.com
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medievalcat
True Blue Farmgirl
256 Posts
Cynthia
White County
Arkansas
USA
256 Posts |
Posted - Jun 25 2011 : 8:38:49 PM
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The strength I feel from the ladies here is simply awesome. It's taking longer for all of us to be together than we had planned but things can't be rushed just because I'm a little lonely. When I talk to my husband I can hear the stress and unhappieness in his voice but the kids report he's doing everything he needs to do. A hard thing for me to realize is that over the years I have become very co-dependant on him. For the first few weeks I hardly ate and didn't really care about anything. Slowly I had to learn how to live.. which is a good thing to know how to do. I'm also looking at other parts of myself..the dark corners of my mind and trying to find what I've outgrown over the years. I have a great house mate whose just great for a bachelor (no worries he's strictly a brother to me) and he's known my husband forever. I realized by talking to him that I've really curbed my life around my husband. I gave up doing the things I loved to do.. writings, reading, doing medieval sorts of stuff... I gave it up because he didn't like it. Now that I've been here nearly three months and have only seen him twice since then I'm realizing I have to live for myself. I'm not heading for a lawyer but I hope my husband realizes that I'm not going to stop living when he's back with me either.
In some ways I feel this time we are spending apart is like going through life with training wheels on. I know he's there and I know we will be together again..but knowing that I can make it if him and I don't make it is a good thing as well.
Now that I have my computer and internet where I'm staying I'll be on this site a lot more. Thank you with all my spirit.
Cyn |
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FarmDream
True Blue Farmgirl
1085 Posts
Julie
TX
USA
1085 Posts |
Posted - Jun 28 2011 : 8:06:50 PM
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Good luck on your journey of self-discovery. I started on mine a few years ago. It's wonderful to feel finally grown up and make real decisions about what I like and don't like and how I'm going to live my life. I think my DH actually likes me more because of my new self-confidence and independence. Wish you the best!
~FarmDream is Farmgirl Sister #3069
Live Today, Cherish Yesterday, Dream Tomorrow
http://naturaljulie.etsy.com
http://julie-rants.blogspot.com |
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walkinwalkoutcattle
True Blue Farmgirl
1675 Posts
Megan
Paint Lick
KY
USA
1675 Posts |
Posted - Jun 30 2011 : 04:39:38 AM
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Amen, FarmDream! Cynthia, I know how betrayed and alone it can feel. You just sit there like "What do I do with myself, now?" There's all these feelings that are just flying around you, hitting you every once in awhile...it's all so new and scary...but GOOD for you in realizing that that's just the "Growing pains"! You are the same person you were before-you just need that time to re-discover yourself.
I'm so happy you've also maintained healthy relationships with men in general. :) I hope you get back to your hobbies and passions and that your husband can recognize that those things are what makes you, YOU!
Farmgirl #2879 :)
Starbucks and sushi to green fried tomatoes and corn pudding-I wouldn't change it for the world.
www.cattleandcupcakes.blogspot.com
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smiley
True Blue Farmgirl
650 Posts
lea
pea ridge
arkansas
USA
650 Posts |
Posted - Jul 01 2011 : 8:54:44 PM
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| Have you heard that saying "women are like tea bags- the hotter the water, the stronger we get" |
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Family Matters: He left me |
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He left me
