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Across the Fence:  Stories from us widow women.....  |
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vintagediva1
True Blue Farmgirl
1251 Posts
Michele
Brighton
Michigan
USA
1251 Posts |
 Posted - May 03 2010 : 09:55:08 AM
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Thanks for your kind comments.
Marly, Ken and I met in high school. I was dating his best friend and we realized that we liked each other better as friends than romantically so he introduced me to Ken. I was 16 and Ken was 17. We dated through high school, dated during the short time I was in College and got married in 1968.
This was during the Vietnam War and Ken was drafted so he enlisted in the Navy. We spent 6 months in Tennessee and then 3 1/2 years in Virginia Beach, Va.
I loved living in Virginia. It is such a beautiful part of the country and we made the most of our time there sightseeing and spending time at the beach and buying our groceries and dairy products from an Amish farmer who lived a few miles away.
My oldest daughter, Shannon, was born while we lived there. Ken was on deployed to the Meditterranean on an aircraft carrier and didn't get to meet his daughter until she was 6 months old. Despite the separations while he was at sea I have to say that our time in the Navy was pretty carefree. It was the first time we lived far from our families and we really learned to depend on each other. Many of the friends we made then are still my friends today. Oh, yeah, and the guy who introduced us to each other is still a close friend, too. he lives in Florida but calls me every month to chat and keep up.
www.2vintagedivas.etsy.com
www.sissyandsisterstitch.etsy.com
www.sissyandsisterstitch.artfire.com
Love that good ole vintage junk |
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Kirksmom71
True Blue Farmgirl
873 Posts
Mel
Dallas
Texas
USA
873 Posts |
Posted - May 03 2010 : 10:43:33 AM
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Hmmmmmm, I have been perusing this thread for a few days and for the last two I have read and reread up and down, back and forth. Cried, smiled, and felt twinges of curiosity. Always felt a bit uncomfortable about writing thoughts down in black and white, for the simple fact, it just could come back to bite you in one shape or form in the future. But the unloading of the internal grief seems to hold some sort of cathartic effect. So I guess (taking a deeeeeeep breath) here goes. Looks like I've already been a bit long winded. Anyway!!!!!
I find some parallels to my situation in Michelle's story: Lester and I were also high school sweethearts, married at 19. He was diagnosed with ALL a.k.a. Acute Lymphosytic Leukemia(a cancer of the blood, for those who may be unfamiliar with the disease).
The diagnosis was delivered to us on the day of our 30th wedding anniversary. Not exactly the present or surprise that I had in mind to celebrate that special day. MD Anderson also plays a part(another Michelle parallel) in our situation, but I think I'll tackle that later.
On the really good days and "mostly" on the bad days, I am mentally healthy about losing him but it's been 12 years on June 26th, 2010. He was an engineer by vocation and an artist by avocation. So I look at his artwork on my walls everyday of my life. He is never gone. I am truly blessed.
Curious that I actually had a dream about Les the night before I found the thread!Now this is an important FYI, before he died I "NEVER" dreamed of him and only occassionally since. Guess I didn't have a subconcious reason since he was right there next to me. ;) Appears my dream state seems to call upon him when I have a dilemma or something eventful is going in in my life. Hey, joining the Farmgirls was an event for me. Can't actually reveal the dream since it was a slight bit risque in parts. Chuckle,chuckle!
To be continued..................Mel
Thanx to everyone who is involved in this thread
Sassy City Girl with Farmgirl Fantasies! |
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Bear5
True Blue Farmgirl
13055 Posts
Louisiana/Texas
USA
13055 Posts |
Posted - May 03 2010 : 4:20:49 PM
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Michele:
Thanks for telling the story again for me. I remember having read part of the beginning. I'm glad you shared with us again. Thanks.
I really like reading how all of you who have lost your husbands are dealing with it all. I've not lost my husband, but I have lost both of my parents, a nephew, and my older sister. We were six girls, now there is five. For me, when I think back of the loss, I think of the situations up to their deaths that were the hardest. I don't know why. I do have memories of nice events with each of them. Each of their deaths were long, meaning they didn't die right away. So reading how y'all are remembering is really helping me think different. I think that is one reason it is hard for me to write about them. But thank you for sharing. Please, continue to tell us about your husband, and you and your husband.
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
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cheneygal
True Blue Farmgirl
503 Posts
Suzie
Cheney
Wa.
USA
503 Posts |
Posted - May 07 2010 : 7:15:57 PM
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Wonderments,(is that a word?), questions, ramblings.....do any of you that were caregivers for your late DH's, wonder if you could have done more, been just a little more patient, done something different, and so on?? Every once in awhile this creeps into my mind and it really bothers me, seems like you girls are the only ones I can really talk to, ask questions, get answers from, I just can't seem to open up to my friends, maybe it's too close, I just don't know. The little 22 yr. old gal that works side by side with me will look at me every once in awhile with her huge blue eyes, full of love and say "are you okay"?? Brings me to tears immediately. Usually at this time of year I'm chomping at the bit to plant my annuals, and do all that makes me so happy in my yard, this year I'm just not that excited about it, why??!! Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself?? Or is it just part of the grieving process? Any input here??
live, laugh, love |
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1badmamawolf
True Blue Farmgirl
2199 Posts
Teresa
"Bent Fence Farms"
Ca
USA
2199 Posts |
Posted - May 07 2010 : 7:29:31 PM
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Suzie, I think all of us that took care of our loved ones when they were dying ask the same questions or simular ones. As for me, my Late sweet man had the patience of Jobe, which was really good, cause my patience is very short I hate to say. I would have melt downs or scream at someone, or about someone, and he would quietly listen, then wrap his huge arms around me and say, " it's ok now, let it out, you'll feel better, just use me as a sounding board, and after I'm gone, I will still be there to listen, always remember that my love". I would usualy fall into his arms sobbing,but within moments, I always felt better. Done something differant, maybe spent a little more time with our kids when he was sick, I don't know? We can all second guess ourselves to hell and back, and nothing will change, all we could do, is do the best we knew how to do. there are days that my youngest Grandson will look up at me and say, you're thinking about my Grandpa, and he never met him, and he's right. Its alright to feel sorry for yourself, and there's no time limit on grieveing. You are just as normal or abnormal as the rest of us, lol, hugs to you my friend.
"Treat the earth well, it was not given to you by your parents, it was loaned to you by your children" |
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Sheep Mom 2
True Blue Farmgirl
1534 Posts
Sheri
Elk
WA
USA
1534 Posts |
Posted - May 07 2010 : 7:44:42 PM
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My husband died suddenly in an accident but I did help my Dad to go through the door home. I wonder sometimes if I could have hugged him more or I don't know what else more I could have done but I guess when it's someone you love you always wish you had done it better. It's pretty normal to be "in a bubble" of detachment from things for awhile - after all, your life took a serious right turn into change. Just go with the flow. Sometimes though you can get caught in inertia and keep spinning in the same circle - when that happens, then it's time to put one foot in front of the other whether you feel like it or not. For now though, I think it's just emotional overwhelm that grief can swamp us with. No worries, Suzie, you will get back to the things you love when the time is right. There is a big difference between feeling your feelings and feeling sorry for yourself. I think why you well up with tears when asked if you are ok is because deep down you want to scream - "No, I'm not okay this whole thing stinks....!!!" but of course we don't and we reassure everyone that we are "fine" and eventually, we are. Know I am thinking of you and sending support and love while you travel this road.
Blessings, Sheri
"Work is Love made visible" -Kahlil Gibran |
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bushelnpeck
True Blue Farmgirl
262 Posts
Debbie
Sparks
Nv
USA
262 Posts |
Posted - May 07 2010 : 8:03:43 PM
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I have the utmost respect for all of you that cared for your husbands and loved ones... I didn't go through that, my husband went to work and came home and we shared about our day. It was always the bright spot of the day when he came home and we shared just a little quiet before the nights chores. I was in the kitchen putting on last details for supper and he went out to mow the lawn. After awhile I realized I hadn't heard the lawnmower and thought he was just visiting with the neighbors. I looked out and no neighbors and I knew, I just knew what I would find. He had walked to the end of the house and fell over dead, never tried to break his fall and I found him face down in the grass. I knew he was gone, I started CPR anyway and called 911. It was very peaceful and I got to say my goodbyes before all the confusion started happening. Within minutes I had all the help I could use and they took him to the hospital to call his death offical. We know the coroner and she ssid he didn't know what happened because he hadn't tried to break his fall and his brain didn't have time to register that something was wrong. I shall forever be grateful to the Lord that it was so merciful his going that way, and that I had those precious minutes to say goodbye unwitnessed and secluded. It has been a source of great comfort to me and I feel it was a gift from God.
debbie
www.windinthegrass.blogspot.com
duty makes us do things, but love, makes us do things beautifully...
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Kirksmom71
True Blue Farmgirl
873 Posts
Mel
Dallas
Texas
USA
873 Posts |
Posted - May 07 2010 : 8:13:27 PM
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Suzie, All of us grieve in different ways and forms! Some take longer than others but you will get around to doing all those things that are fun and important to you eventually. Yes......even fun happens...when its right for you. I have never discussed my feelings about Lester or the disease. Folks will ask but they don't want to know. It's not that they don't care but most folks just have no idea what to say or do.......you have our ears...we've been there. I have guilt...what if I had made some different decisions.....could I have somehow manipulated the outcome? Of course not.....but the thoughts are still there sometimes.
Hugs to all of you!
Mel
Sassy City Girl with Farmgirl Fantasies! |
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cheneygal
True Blue Farmgirl
503 Posts
Suzie
Cheney
Wa.
USA
503 Posts |
Posted - May 07 2010 : 8:40:20 PM
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Thank you all for your "ears", it feels so good to share and just let it out. Funny, all my customers at work always ask "how ya doin'", and yep Sheri, you're right, always the same answer but inside I am screaming "NO....I'm not alright"!! Teresa, sometimes I would have a little meltdown too, and Pete would say "come sit next to me, so I'd sit on his hospital bed and he'd just hold me, didn't need to say a word, he just held me and all would be well. The bubble of detachment you spoke about Sheri, no better words could be spoken, sometimes I feel it's opening up which is good, but sometimes it seems to be closing up, back and forth.This week I've been spinning in that circle of inertia, and normally do put one foot in front of the other, no matter what, but think I need to push a little harder maybe. Debbi, I was lucky enough to be alone with my dh when he passed, as someone else said "just the two of us as we began, and just the two of us as it ended", God did mean for it to be that way and I'm so grateful for that. Teresa I second guess myself to hell and back every day, the Hospice gals told me I did a tremendous job, and I need to remember that, it makes me feel so much better. Thanks again girls for listening, I appreciate all your thoughts and input, just makes this healing process a little easier, I love you all!!
live, laugh, love |
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vintagediva1
True Blue Farmgirl
1251 Posts
Michele
Brighton
Michigan
USA
1251 Posts |
Posted - May 08 2010 : 07:09:00 AM
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I remember when I was caring for Ken when he was really sick. the hospice nurses would come and I would be so relieved to have a few minutes to shower or whatever. Those nurses are truly angels on earth. How can they do that day in and day out?
There were times when I was so tired i could scream but then someone in the family or a friend would come and stay with Ken for an hour or so so I could run errands. I couldn't wait to get out of there but after 5 minutes I couldn't stand being away from him so I'd go back home.
One night when we were in Texas at MD ANderson, I was walking to the parking structure and in the elevator a woman asked me if I would wait until she got to her car. She was so scared. She asked me, "Aren't you afraid you'll get mugged or something will happen to you?" I told her that the Lord wouldn't have brought us all the way to Texas if he didn't intend to watch over me.
This from me, a woman who had never really lived alone. I went right from my Daddy's house to married to Ken. I was never afraid in that little apartment in Houston. Looking back now, I think it was God's way of teaching me that I was strong and I could do it on my own.
We can all question ourselves to hell and back about if we did enough. I would have kept caring for Ken forever if it would have made him well, but afterwards you realize that he is not in pain any more and we did the best we knew how
Michele
www.2vintagedivas.etsy.com
www.sissyandsisterstitch.etsy.com
www.sissyandsisterstitch.artfire.com
Love that good ole vintage junk |
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cheneygal
True Blue Farmgirl
503 Posts
Suzie
Cheney
Wa.
USA
503 Posts |
Posted - May 08 2010 : 8:30:36 PM
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I agree, the Hospice workers were wonderful, I don't know what I'd have done without them. I was lucky enough to get a neighbor to come down a couple times to sit with Pete so I could make a mad dash to the grocery store, but that was all, and it was a mad dash!! I too would have cared for him till the end of time. It was exhausting and of course became more so as time went on, but still, I would have continued, because I loved him so much. Today seemed to be a brighter day for some reason, probably because I dumped on all of you last night. It's hard to push yourself, but it does become routine, and sometimes I don't even think about it, but then sometimes it would be so easy to let things slide also. Have to maintain a good attitude at all times, and that helps me, that, and the fact that I get up and go to work 5 days a week!! Thank you all so much for being there, and I will be here for each and every one of you!! Happy Mothers Day.
live, laugh, love |
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vintagediva1
True Blue Farmgirl
1251 Posts
Michele
Brighton
Michigan
USA
1251 Posts |
Posted - May 09 2010 : 4:01:12 PM
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I remember that my emotions would swing from 'How dare everyone go on with the things they're doing? Don't they know I just lost the love of my life?" to a couple of times I went to the Mall (and I hate Malls) just so I could wander around anonymously and know one would know what I was dealing with. Sometimes I needed that kind of normalcy
Michele
www.2vintagedivas.etsy.com
www.sissyandsisterstitch.etsy.com
www.sissyandsisterstitch.artfire.com
Love that good ole vintage junk |
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1badmamawolf
True Blue Farmgirl
2199 Posts
Teresa
"Bent Fence Farms"
Ca
USA
2199 Posts |
Posted - May 09 2010 : 6:08:57 PM
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Mother's day without my sweet man is also a tuff day for me, because, if not for him, I would not be a Mother. I miss him everyday, but somedays I really, really miss alot. My memories of telling him I was pregnant with our first child were as wonderful as the second, third and fourth. He would kneel down, wrap his arms around me and kiss my belly, and baby talk that baby growing inside of me, and do so everyday til he or she was born, then the day they were born, he was kiss me, and that sweet little one and cry like a baby with huge happy tears. Those babies would fit in one of his huge hands, and if they were crying, he could walk away their tears everytime. So even thou its Mother's day, it was his day also,God I miss him so...
"Treat the earth well, it was not given to you by your parents, it was loaned to you by your children" |
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Bear5
True Blue Farmgirl
13055 Posts
Louisiana/Texas
USA
13055 Posts |
Posted - May 09 2010 : 6:42:53 PM
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Teresa:
Gee, again, your words are opening the flood gates of tears. For someone who loves her husband as much as I do, it brings me such joy to hear others, as you, talk about how great, wonderful, and caring their husbands were. I love to come to this thread to read how each of you are doing. But, as I read, my heart aches for each of you. Here is a giant hug (*******************) for all of you. Thank you all for sharing such love.
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
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cheneygal
True Blue Farmgirl
503 Posts
Suzie
Cheney
Wa.
USA
503 Posts |
Posted - May 09 2010 : 9:06:32 PM
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Oh Teresa, what overwhelming emotions just came over me....of course, it was a tough day for you, but in a way it was kind of a "day for you both", if you want to look at it that way. How very special he was to you and your family, I almost feel like I knew your dh. Your writings show just how much you loved him. Thank you for sharing your innermost feelings and thoughts with us all.
live, laugh, love |
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Julia
True Blue Farmgirl
1949 Posts
Julia
Shelton
WA
USA
1949 Posts |
Posted - May 10 2010 : 1:36:46 PM
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Suzie, I know how you feel. I continue to feel the same way, after a year and a half. There were times I did lose it. I always made sure it was away from Dale as I didn't want to upset him. The last 2 weeks of his life, he was very restless and irritable, the result of how the cancer in his liver cause chemical imbalance in his brain. It was really tough. He couldn't sleep for more than 40 mins. at a time. We were up all night long for 2 weeks. I was exhausted. I couldn't ever go take a break, even to go grocery shopping as he didn't like me away from him. God gave daily strength and grace to get though, yet like I said I still fret about if I could have done more, or better. The after shocks of death are difficult. I reckon the unexpected broadsiding will always be there. It is just a matter of getting through them as best I can. Suzie, though we have never met, I think I can honestly say, YOU DID WELL! Rest in that.
Teresa, this was a tough Mother's Day for me, as it was my last to have my baby at home. So the empty nest thing really got me. I of course always thought when the last of my chicks left home, Dale would be there, and we would do those things we always talked about doing when the girls were gone. It's hard now as grandkids come along, who he will never hold, and teach how to fish. He so loved his girls, they were the light of his life. Dale would have made a great grampa.
I wear my cap around my waist.
#440
http://www.iglitteredthecat.blogspot.com/
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cheneygal
True Blue Farmgirl
503 Posts
Suzie
Cheney
Wa.
USA
503 Posts |
Posted - May 10 2010 : 9:43:51 PM
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Thanks so much for the kind words Julia, I know I did my best, that man meant so much to me, I wouldn't have done anything but the best I could do. Sometimes those little niglet thoughts just creep up on you and get you all riled up, and everything else going too. I'm happy to say things look much better this week. I bought my annuals yesterday and today, and spent the afternoon planting, getting dirty, and enjoying the day. Pete knew how much I loved my yard, and he did too, but always just shook his head at how many flowers I would come home with, I kept hearing him say all afternoon "are ya happy, are ya having fun??" He was smiling over my shoulder.
live, laugh, love |
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Julia
True Blue Farmgirl
1949 Posts
Julia
Shelton
WA
USA
1949 Posts |
Posted - May 11 2010 : 09:41:11 AM
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Good for you! I am glad you played in the dirt, it really is a catharsis for me. Dale was amazed at what I would bring home, I worked at a nursery, so most of my paycheck stayed there. I was always planting something. Maybe this year you can make a little 'Pete' garden. I think I am going too do one for Dale. It will be a sitting area where I can go and think of him.
May you continue to feel his smiles in your heart.
I wear my cap around my waist.
#440
http://www.iglitteredthecat.blogspot.com/
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sherrye
True Blue Farmgirl
3775 Posts
sherry
bend in the high desert
oregon
USA
3775 Posts |
Posted - May 11 2010 : 7:02:05 PM
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ok i am crying too. i am so moved by all the love. i have my papa and he is the finest. i lost my dad when he was 61. thats a whole another story. to read how much you all loved them and how fine a memory you have is a good thing. teresa i think marly is right. at least you all can look back on fine things to remember. your friends are here and we want to hear the stories of love and loss and going on.sherrye
the learn as we go silk purse farm
farmgirl #1014
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Bear5
True Blue Farmgirl
13055 Posts
Louisiana/Texas
USA
13055 Posts |
Posted - May 11 2010 : 7:28:43 PM
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Thank you Sherry. I'm so happy to read that you, like me, enjoy reading these wonderful stories by these wonderful farmgirls. All of those stories make me appreciate my husband more, and appreciate life. Every time I read another one of the stories, I realize how really short life is. Thank you, again. And farmgirls keep writing. Hugs to all.
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
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1badmamawolf
True Blue Farmgirl
2199 Posts
Teresa
"Bent Fence Farms"
Ca
USA
2199 Posts |
Posted - May 11 2010 : 7:33:42 PM
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Sherry, I will continue to write some of my most wonderful memories here, be patient, they come from my heart and soul, and when they are ready to tell the stories, my hand will write.
"Treat the earth well, it was not given to you by your parents, it was loaned to you by your children" |
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Sheep Mom 2
True Blue Farmgirl
1534 Posts
Sheri
Elk
WA
USA
1534 Posts |
Posted - May 11 2010 : 7:42:33 PM
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Suzie I am so glad that you felt up to planting flowers this week. Is the bubble feeling any better?
Sherrye had started a thread entitled "Any Hippies" and it got me to thinking about when we first came here and started building this homestead. All good memories of working together and with my Mom and Dad, Uncle, Brother who have all gone home. All that's left of my childhood immediate family is me. If you are interested, I posted a couple of pics of cabin building.
Theresa, I so enjoy your stories. He was a wonderful man I can tell.
Blessings, Sheri
"Work is Love made visible" -Kahlil Gibran |
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cheneygal
True Blue Farmgirl
503 Posts
Suzie
Cheney
Wa.
USA
503 Posts |
Posted - May 11 2010 : 9:19:59 PM
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Yes Sheri, the bubble is feeling better and has another hole in it!! I had to push myself a little to get my planting done yesterday but the more I went on the more fun I had, and I will continue to feel his smiles in my heart. I'm a little like Teresa in my way of thinking and feeling about telling these stories, they do come from the heart and soul, and when your ready, they just pour from the very heart and soul. So glad you girls are here to listen. And, thank you all, for listening!!
live, laugh, love |
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bushelnpeck
True Blue Farmgirl
262 Posts
Debbie
Sparks
Nv
USA
262 Posts |
Posted - May 13 2010 : 6:31:34 PM
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I was talking to a gentleman patient today and he said some things that really touched me and I thought it might you as well...His granddaughter brought him to his appointment and he said she and her mom really nag him now that they all live together. The one thing he does appreciate is the cooking, his bride of 58 years always cooked for him and he never had to think about it until he was alone. That's when he realized that there was an art to it, and though he didn't say it that way he was glad he had praised her for always caring for him and his needs. Big tears in his eyes and said he wished he could thank her one more time for all the things he realized after she was gone...debbie
www.windinthegrass.blogspot.com
duty makes us do things, but love, makes us do things beautifully...
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1badmamawolf
True Blue Farmgirl
2199 Posts
Teresa
"Bent Fence Farms"
Ca
USA
2199 Posts |
Posted - May 13 2010 : 6:47:46 PM
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Debbie, i think all of us think of things all the time that we shoulda, woulda said if we only knew that time was gone, cause even if you know the time is short, its not always easy to remember everything you want to say, but, you still can, write it down, tell them in a dream, or as my daughter did, she put all the things she wanted to say to her dad, and ran outa time in a helium ballon, and let it soar to the heavens.
"Treat the earth well, it was not given to you by your parents, it was loaned to you by your children" |
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Across the Fence: Stories from us widow women..... |
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Stories from us widow women.....
