Author |
Across the Fence: Stories from us widow women..... |
Julia
True Blue Farmgirl
1949 Posts
Julia
Shelton
WA
USA
1949 Posts |
Posted - Apr 24 2010 : 2:17:37 PM
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I have Dale's old work coat hanging by the back door. It is so well worn, it is permantly dirty. I put it on in the winter when I go get wood for the fire. Dale had a dark grey wool sweater he wore. I put it on every once in a while. I will spray some of his colonge on it, and bury my face in it when I am really missing him. Interesting how the things others would think strange we saved, we find as most precious.
I wear my cap around my waist. #440
http://www.iglitteredthecat.blogspot.com/
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Edited by - Julia on Apr 24 2010 2:18:14 PM |
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Mikki
True Blue Farmgirl
1510 Posts
Mikki
Austin
Indiana
USA
1510 Posts |
Posted - Apr 24 2010 : 4:37:00 PM
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I haven't lost a spouse either, but I lost my Mother to cancer two and a half years ago. It's so hard to watch my Daddy grieve. I wish there was something I could do for him, but I'm here for him and he knows that. He's just so lonesome and grieves for her terribly. Our family has lost 6 immediate family members in the past 3 years, and it has been very hard. I think I felt like the world should stand still when my Mom passed, but life goes on.
~~Blessings, Mikki Jo
"Courage is being scared to death... but saddling up anyway" ***John Wayne
http://main.acsevents.org/goto/iloveyoumom http://burningmeadowsprings.blogspot.com/
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Sheep Mom 2
True Blue Farmgirl
1534 Posts
Sheri
Elk
WA
USA
1534 Posts |
Posted - Apr 24 2010 : 5:08:29 PM
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I'm so sorry about the loss of your mom, Mikki Jo. I know how hard it is to watch someone grieve while you are grieving too. Each person walks that path alone yet we are there for each other for support. No one is immune, and no one avoids going through it sooner or later. Death is the big equalizer in a world where we tend to make such distinctions between people. My Dad died of cancer, my Mom of congestive heart failure, my brother of liver cancer and my husband in a bad accident. It's funny how it puts things in perspective doesn't it? We think it is the worst thing that could ever happen to us (and in some regards it is) but it is also a learning experience if we allow it to be. There can be moments of great spiritual clarity followed by moments of spiritual pain and questioning and with the questioning, and the trials, comes the respite of moments of Grace, and renewal. I guess in the end, it's like your tag line reads -either we crawl in a hole and hide or we pull up our socks and get on with the business of living, and even though there is an empty spot - there is a spot that we, the living, are meant to fill. So often we ask God, "Why me, God?" Perhaps the answer is "Why not you? Are you strong enough to love your way through this? Are you ready to pass this test? Do you love yourself enough to continue on fulfilling your own destiny when you want to give up because it hurts so damn bad?" Perhaps the test is more along the lines of "How much faith do you have that everything is as it should be?" Acceptance is the hardest part of all....
Blessings, Sheri
"Work is Love made visible" -Kahlil Gibran |
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phonelady
True Blue Farmgirl
323 Posts
Carla
Loveland
Colorado
323 Posts |
Posted - Apr 24 2010 : 9:07:04 PM
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Boy ain't that the truth Sheri. Dad's going in for a look to see if he has Prostate cancer or not [I pray not]. After losing Momma early I'd like to keep Dad around for a while - but I know better. We all have our time. I'd like to think I will pull up my socks and continue on to do whatever it is God sent me here to do. Carla
It's not just life- It's an adventure! |
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cheneygal
True Blue Farmgirl
503 Posts
Suzie
Cheney
Wa.
USA
503 Posts |
Posted - Apr 24 2010 : 9:15:09 PM
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Sheri, those were wonderful, inspirational words. You do have to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and go on, I feared I would be like my mom when she lost my dad, she was so lonely and sad, depressed and after a few years I think she just didn't want to live without him. Of course, we are terribly lonely, and sad, but we do have to push ourselves to go on.Pete and I had 9 mos. to come to terms with what was inevitable, and I think I'm beginning to accept it, but your words really made me think, "are things as they should be", I think they are, and I know why. Why, when we moved to ea. wash., our house on the west side didn't sell, that and several other little things that I wondered about at the time, are all fitting together. Why, I spent so many years alone when Pete was on the road, I think I was being prepared for this by someone else, who knew what was going to happen, God does work in wonderous ways. I miss my guys SO much, but I know he and the other big guy are watching and guiding me along the way. Thank you for making me think a little farther!!!
live, laugh, love |
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1badmamawolf
True Blue Farmgirl
2199 Posts
Teresa
"Bent Fence Farms"
Ca
USA
2199 Posts |
Posted - Apr 27 2010 : 09:42:56 AM
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I have to say today that my hubby would have been soooooooo extremly proud of his youngest son. He jumped in a helped 2 young girls get away from a dangerous man yesterday, possibly saving their lives and getting hurt doing so. I know my late husband would have done exactly the same thing, with the exception that he would chew me out for helping,lol. My son swears he felt his daddys hand patting him on the back, and I so believe him, for a job well done. This is one of the many times it hurts so much not having him here to hold me and console me when things could have gone so wrong. After all was said and done yesterday, and I was back home, i sat down and cryed, cause I needed him so very much, and I always will.
"Treat the earth well, it was not given to you by your parents, it was loaned to you by your children" |
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Sheep Mom 2
True Blue Farmgirl
1534 Posts
Sheri
Elk
WA
USA
1534 Posts |
Posted - Apr 27 2010 : 10:14:30 AM
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I'm sure he was there patting him on the back - his legacy lives on in all of you. I know what you mean about turning to "empty space" - that void that is left behind. But look how strong you are! It doesn't cure the ache but oh how proud of you you should be, not just of your son. I know things could have gone south very easily in that situation but Thank God it didn't. I'm the kind of person that jumps right in without thought as well and then end up shaking and drained when the whole thing is over. I'm so proud of you, girl. It is so much harder to put one foot in front of the other than it is to just collapse in a heap. I hope you are feeling better today....
Blessings, Sheri
"Work is Love made visible" -Kahlil Gibran |
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1badmamawolf
True Blue Farmgirl
2199 Posts
Teresa
"Bent Fence Farms"
Ca
USA
2199 Posts |
Posted - Apr 27 2010 : 10:57:33 AM
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Thanks Sheri, yes I'm feeling better today, and so is my son, hes tuff and onrey just like his daddy, and I know he will be back doing all that he does, well before the doc's say its ok,lol.
"Treat the earth well, it was not given to you by your parents, it was loaned to you by your children" |
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CountryBorn
True Blue Farmgirl
1545 Posts
Mary Jane
New York
USA
1545 Posts |
Posted - Apr 27 2010 : 2:03:36 PM
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Sherri your words are so very true. I believe in each of us who have felt and lived with the depth of grief there comes a point, some pivoting momemt where we either have to jump in after them or make the decision to live again as best as we can. It came for me on a night when I was feeling so much pain I just really didn't think I could go on anymore. I felt like a mortally wounded animal that just wanted to go into a hole and die. I sat at my dining room table with paper and pen trying to write letters to my daughter and husband and parents about why I had to leave them. I had decided to take a bunch of pills and just stop it all once and for all. Well, I kept trying to write my daughter and explain to her why I couldn't stay with her. I kept tearing up the papers and starting again, because I could not find the words to justify putting her through losing me too. Then a glimpse of the show Night Court caught my eye from the living room TV, and I laughed. Just a laugh at a silly show. I thought to myself, what the hell am I doing. This isn't me. I don't take the easy way out, I don't hurt people I love just because I am in so much pain. I sat there for a long time. I realized Karin would be so disappointed in me if I threw away my life. She had loved hers and had lived it so fully, no holds barred. The best thing I could do for her and for myself was to try and put the pieces of my heart together. It would for sure be a patch job! There is a space in my heart that no one else will ever fill. But, I knew in that one moment that I couldn't quit, it was a selfish thing and not fair to my loving family or myself. It has been one very long and hard road, but, I am very glad I am here. I guess in my heart I knew I wouldn't really do anything but there was that moment .....
Hugs Mary Jane
There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do. Freya Stark |
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Julia
True Blue Farmgirl
1949 Posts
Julia
Shelton
WA
USA
1949 Posts |
Posted - Apr 27 2010 : 5:44:50 PM
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I so agree with the others, Sheri, your words are spot on!! During the whole process with Dale dying, I never did ask God, why me. I figured that was His business. I did ask, 'what it was I was to learn from this, what do you want me to do?'. It was though I clearly heard Him say, 'Will you trust Me?' I stopped and thought as I wanted to give an honest answer. I said yes. That has gaven me such strength to get through times I want to crawl in a hole and put the turf over me. I have seen in my bleakest moments, the Lord getting me through one more time, every time. I know that moving forward, doing my best at every task at hand, is what Dale would want me to do. Just like your son Teresa, he know in a split second what to do, because of how his dad influenced his life, and that his reaction in that awful moment was to be done, because his dad would have expected nothing else. It truly is all so amazing, this process of life and death.
I wear my cap around my waist. #440
http://www.iglitteredthecat.blogspot.com/
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cheneygal
True Blue Farmgirl
503 Posts
Suzie
Cheney
Wa.
USA
503 Posts |
Posted - Apr 27 2010 : 9:21:15 PM
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Teresa, so glad both you, and your son are feeling better today. Something like that has to just knock the tar outta ya. And, I too, would have sat down and had a good cry for the same reason. I've never done that and wondered "why aren't you here to help", but just feeling like "why aren't you here!!" You are an amazing woman and your late dh would be SO proud of both of you. Julia, I never asked God "why me", either, but did ask him many times "why Pete".....and I'm still asking. I was his caregiver for 3 short months, and as I've said before, I wouldn't trade those 3 months for anything in the world, and I never questioned whether or not I could "do that", something just kicks in and you do it, and you do whatever needs to be done, whenever it needs to be done and I'm so happy I could, for him. Getting a little off the subject I guess. But, I owe you farmgirls so much love and appreciation for just letting me "let it all go" here, and I'll keep letting it go, right here.
live, laugh, love |
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Bear5
True Blue Farmgirl
13055 Posts
Louisiana/Texas
USA
13055 Posts |
Posted - Apr 27 2010 : 9:50:55 PM
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Okay, I've read all the post (5 pages). My heart is so full. Full in a grateful way. Grateful to all of you who have so selfishly shared your memories and grief with all of us. How powerful you all are. Suzie: your dear Pete sounds like an angel. How lucky you had each other. I so enjoyed reading your story. I'll return to this thread to read more. And Julia: you are so right about "to run my hand over the surface of these things". I know I have a few of my mothers hand work, and I do the exact same thing. At times, I'll sit and hold the piece of handi-work and just let my mind think of her. I get much comfort from that. Julia Hayes: Your words are, indeed, beautiful. My parents died 28 years ago, in fact I was 28 years old. Reading all of these posts have comforted me much. I found out that grieving is an important part of one's loss. I am so happy Teresa thought of wonderful topic. Thank you all for sharing. God Bless. Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
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Karrieann
True Blue Farmgirl
1900 Posts
Karrieann
Northeast
Georgia
USA
1900 Posts |
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cheneygal
True Blue Farmgirl
503 Posts
Suzie
Cheney
Wa.
USA
503 Posts |
Posted - Apr 28 2010 : 08:38:13 AM
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I hope none of us are done with this, I know I'm not, just want to keep pouring my memories and heart out from time to time.
live, laugh, love |
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1badmamawolf
True Blue Farmgirl
2199 Posts
Teresa
"Bent Fence Farms"
Ca
USA
2199 Posts |
Posted - Apr 28 2010 : 09:17:48 AM
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Suzie, don't worry about me being done with this thread, I have so many stories/memories to share, the good, the bad and the ugly, that you all will be asking me to SHUT-UP, lol.
"Treat the earth well, it was not given to you by your parents, it was loaned to you by your children" |
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cheneygal
True Blue Farmgirl
503 Posts
Suzie
Cheney
Wa.
USA
503 Posts |
Posted - Apr 28 2010 : 9:35:27 PM
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There's no way we'll be asking you to shut up!!!! Keep em coming Teresa!!
live, laugh, love |
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Bear5
True Blue Farmgirl
13055 Posts
Louisiana/Texas
USA
13055 Posts |
Posted - Apr 28 2010 : 9:40:57 PM
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Oh no, this cannot end. I want to know more about Pete, Suzie's husband, Julia's Dale, etc... And I want to read another one of Teresa's love of her Jerry. Teresa, I already know how you met Jerry, but do tell the other girls. They'll love it. I got online tonight and came straight to this thread. So, tomorrow night, I'll be looking forward to reading more memory stories. I certainly will NEVER ask any of y'all to shut up. LOL. Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
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1badmamawolf
True Blue Farmgirl
2199 Posts
Teresa
"Bent Fence Farms"
Ca
USA
2199 Posts |
Posted - Apr 29 2010 : 08:54:19 AM
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ok Marly
I was comeing back home from the feed mill in town (I was almost 16)to my family farm in our old flatbed truck. I got a flat tire on the inside rear dual. Now since I had a full load of grain on the truck, and I was on a dirt road, I knew I would have to off load some of the grain inorder for the jack to be able to lift and not sink. I got the jack out, and was mad to say the least, kicked the tire and cussed it out. I was ready to start off loading and heard the roar of a big motorcycle comeing up the road. Well , let me tell ya, it was a big, beautiful man on that bike in military fatigues. He stopped and asked if he could help, I said sure, and together we off loaded, changed the tire, reloaded and were done. He was on a weekend pass from the army base, and it was Saturday morn. He said he was kinda lost, cause like back home (he was from Nebraska), none of the roads had signs,lol.I said follow me home, my Dad would want to thank him, and my Momma would'nt forgive me if he did'nt cause she would want to feed him. We left to go to the farm, me driving and him rideing, he stayed for supper, helped my Dad with the evening chores, spent the night in the guest room, went to church with us the next morn, and came back with us for a big Sunday mid-day meal. My Dad drew him a map to get back to the base, and asked my dad if he could come see us again. My dad said, sure you can come back and see my daughter,lol. The rest is history, it was LOVE at first sight, second sight and so on. We were married less than a year later, and the rest is history...
"Treat the earth well, it was not given to you by your parents, it was loaned to you by your children" |
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Bear5
True Blue Farmgirl
13055 Posts
Louisiana/Texas
USA
13055 Posts |
Posted - Apr 29 2010 : 11:38:14 AM
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I did not know he had military fatigues on!!!!!!!!!! Oh! that would have done it for me. LOL. I love that story. To write or share that story must bring happiness and heartache in your heart now. Just as it must do for all the others on this thread who are sharing their stories about their loved ones. But, to me, it sure helps to read how y'all are putting into words the loss, the love, the memories. Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
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bushelnpeck
True Blue Farmgirl
262 Posts
Debbie
Sparks
Nv
USA
262 Posts |
Posted - Apr 29 2010 : 7:30:51 PM
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It has been a year and a half for me to be without my Sweetie...last night was one of those nights when it gets quiet and sleep won't come and one starts thinking that one just has to talk to someone and who do you call in the night watch...just to say what they want so much to understand and could not possibly. Every story stands on it's own because grief is personal. A big bed with no one to reach out to and say (his least favorite words...talk to me)just to be re-assured that everything is ok and what is going on in the world will reach down to us one day, but we will be together to find our way. That place of comfort to be sheltered from harm, emotionally and physically by this giant gentle man who thought it his place and God given priviledge to protect me and take care of me. I wanted to come here last night but the tears were falling so fast I couldn't see the screen to write...sad for what you should have done, glad for what you did do right, seeing a movie that reminds you of what you have had and now will only live out in memories. Taking out a shirt from his drawer to smell his smell that is fading from being smelled off and realizing that one can remember the feeling of his kisses but not really the last one. So many firsts and adjustments that seem to never end..Today in the mail another letter that you don't understand and have to respond to by day after tomorrow and who do you ask again...how does one turn off your brain so sleep will come...parents love you,siblings sometimes, kids with strings, friends always but when it comes down to it for any of us it's God and you. God is the best,it's me I am not so sure about. I am alone, one half bleeding without the other half. ALONE, there will never be enough time to get used to that. What is normal, talk about disassembled and re-arranged! Is there a manuel for that...this morning I got up and got dressed and went to work and enjoyed the patients and laughed and talked to a friend on the phone, but alone never leaves your heart. Debbie
duty makes us do things, but love, makes us do things beautifully... |
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Bear5
True Blue Farmgirl
13055 Posts
Louisiana/Texas
USA
13055 Posts |
Posted - Apr 30 2010 : 8:48:29 PM
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Oh Debbie, my heart breaks for you. I am glad that you sat down and shared with all of us what you shared. My sister lost her husband in 2001, and she says the same thing you wrote about. I hate to hear that she is loney, but I do understand. I don't understand the way she is experiencing it. I loved the way you described your husband as "this giant gentle man who thought it his place and God given priviledge to protect me and take care of me." Wow, he must have been one wonderful, good man. I'm happy he was your man. You mentioned that it has been a year and a half. Has the grief gotten a little better for you? I know grieving is an important thing. I lost my parents when I was young, but I don't think it is the same as loosing your mate. I also lost a sister in 2007, but, again, I don't think it is the same. I grieved for all of the lost ones in my life. My mother died first. I had to sleep with the light on for months. I wish I could think of something to make you feel better. If you'd like to share more about your husband, please do. Teresa, 1badmamawolf, has shared so much about her husband. I love reading her stories. They are true love stories. I keep telling her she should write a book. I do hope you continue to share with us. God Bless. Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
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vintagediva1
True Blue Farmgirl
1251 Posts
Michele
Brighton
Michigan
USA
1251 Posts |
Posted - May 02 2010 : 10:54:25 AM
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My dear Husband, Ken, and I were high school sweethearts and got married at 19. We had an absolutely idyllic life together, raising 3 kids and always being the other's best friend. We loved to travel and for our 30th anniversary he took me to Europe for 3 terrific weeks. He kneww then that he had malignant melanoma. He started treatment when we returned and was told he only had few months to live. Ken got very proactive and went on line to find out what hospitals were the most aggressive in treating his type of cancer. We flew to Houston, Texas where he started treatment at M D Anerson Canacer Center and we lived there for 6 months. During that time my dayghter, who was pregnant, moved into our house to take care of her 15 year old brother. God Bless her!!! Treatment was horrible but MDAnderson is an amazing place. It is hard to believer that a hospital so filled with dying and seriously ill people could be such an upbeat place. The staff there and all the nurses are truly angels. I cannot imagine how they keep such a positive attitude in light of all the turmoli there. We came back home and Ken had about 13 months cancer free. Unfortunatle the cancer metastasized to his brain and he began whole brain radiation. At the same time, my precious granddaughter, Alyssa, was born. To say that I was on an emotional roller coaster would be an understatement. Ken went to be with the Lord on January 24, 2000 on a beautiful sunny day with his family around him. He was at home, where he wanted to be and at the very end it was just the 2 of us. The same way we started out together. We all had a very hard time after he passed. My granddaughter was diagnosed with cerebral palsy and my 16 year old son started to self medicate with drugs. It was the darkest time of my life but the Lord helped me survive. I wouldn't have made it without my faith and the love and support of my 2 sisters. Ken and I had 32 wonderful years together and I know that the Lord knew we wouldn't grow old together so He gave us an early start. I miss Ken every day even though it has been 10 years. Shortly after he died, one of my kids brought a beautiful candel to the house. She suggested that we light the candle whenever we were together and someone was thinking about Ken. It was a beautiful idea and somehow gave us all permission to deal with our thoughts and memories. We are all doing well now. Alyssa is 10 years old and although she is physically disabled and doesn't speak she is in 4th grade at school, attends Brownies and has lots of little girlfriends. She communites through sign language and with a communication device. My daughter is an amazing mom and that is another story for another time My son went into rehab after a lengthy struggle with substance abuse and has been clean and sober for 6 years now. He recently married a wonderful young woman, has recommitted his life to Christ and is a successful chef in Cleveland. I am sooooo very proud of him!. Every time we are together he reminds me more and more of the wonderful man his Dad was and I tell him so oftem Thanks, ladies, for letting me share this. You have no idea how cathartic this thread has been Farmgirl hugs to you all, Michele
www.2vintagedivas.etsy.com www.sissyandsisterstitch.etsy.com www.sissyandsisterstitch.artfire.com Love that good ole vintage junk |
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cheneygal
True Blue Farmgirl
503 Posts
Suzie
Cheney
Wa.
USA
503 Posts |
Posted - May 02 2010 : 8:28:01 PM
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Thanks girls, for sharing your stories, it seems there are more and more of us out there, missing our much loved guys. Teresa, I always wondered how you met your Jerry, but that's just the first chapter, we all want to know more, at least what your willing to share!! Pete had two sons, as I've said before, and they are my wonderful step sons, both opposite of each other. The oldest one is very much like his Dad, the younger one, not so much but I've always been close to both of them. A few weeks ago, the youngest, (Bobby), and his wife were here for the wknd., we had such an amazing talk about his Dad, their trials and tribulations and so on. We laughed, we cried, we shared things, it was so wonderful that he opened up so much, he, who wasn't that close to his Dad, and now thinks of him every night before he goes to bed, funny little things everyday, that remind him so much of his Dad. My heart was bursting with joy with the things he said. Unfortunately, the older son I think is having a harder time with this than his younger brother, who we all worried about more, dealing with the loss of his Dad. Jim seems to want to push it all aside, and I'm wondering if he's not dealing with it at all, and I worry about that, but I guess we all "deal" with the loss of a loved one in a different manner. Ahhhhhh yes, that last kiss, that touch in the big bed that isn't there, the "are you asleep yet"?? The aroma of coffee wafting through the house if you're not the first one up in the morning....it just isn't there anymore.
live, laugh, love |
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Bear5
True Blue Farmgirl
13055 Posts
Louisiana/Texas
USA
13055 Posts |
Posted - May 02 2010 : 8:35:01 PM
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Michele: Thank you for sharing your story. Your memories of Europe must be a part of the good and cherished emmories for you. The Lord sure has been there for all of you. How did you and Ken meet each other? I'd love to know. Hugs to all. Thanks for sharing. Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
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Julia
True Blue Farmgirl
1949 Posts
Julia
Shelton
WA
USA
1949 Posts |
Posted - May 02 2010 : 11:37:06 PM
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Thanks Teresa for sharing your story. A man in uniform...
Debbie, I so understand the lonely part, as we all do. I think it is the one of the toughest things for me. Dale too, took his role as provider/protector seriously. It is amazing how in a crowded room, of people I love, I can still feel so alone. I am still trying to figure out where I fit in. Dale was a pastor, and Sundays are still hard for me. I was so use to visiting with people, greeting visitors, encouraging people, being encouraged, being in the center of the life of the church. Now I go to church, and feel like a fish out of water. It is all new, (I moved to be closer to family so I go to a new church), though I am getting to know people, I really don't know what to do with myself. I know it will get easier, but I hate sitting by myself, I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb.
Michele, brain cells have kicked in...I remember a few months ago you sent me an email sharing your story with me. You told me about the candle, I want you to know I have done the same thing. I have a candle on the mantle in front of the flag I recieved at the graveside service. It is in a beautiful case my BIL gave me. Next to both of those is a Willow figurine of a lady holding a folded flag. When I saw it in the store I had to get it, as I held Dale's flag before I put it in the case. The candle is lit most often when my kids are all here. It does bring us comfort when it is lit, knowing we are all thinking of Dale at the same time. Brings him close in a way.
I wear my cap around my waist. #440
http://www.iglitteredthecat.blogspot.com/
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Across the Fence: Stories from us widow women..... |
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