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Family Matters:  Divorce after 31 years of marriage?!?!  |
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corporatefarmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
389 Posts
Tamara
Pikeville
TN
USA
389 Posts |
 Posted - Jun 13 2009 : 3:53:09 PM
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I have been off the forum for a while because well... my husband of 31 years walks in an tells me that he is planning on leaving in 2 months. He isn't happy and is "over it". I can either leave our home and travel around with him ( on what I am not sure since we do not have money?!?!) or he is leaving without me. I pointed out we have a son who just graduated high school and starting college in the fall and he said " he can either go with us or figure it out on his own". He then told me to give notice on my job on?!?!
I am in shock. I have no clue where this is coming from.... I have tried talking to him but nothing... Now he has said so many hateful things I am not sure I could even try and work things out if he wanted too. I will say he has a history of running. I have fought for 31 years to keep this marriage together. Maybe that was the problem. He never really wanted it to be.... On a good note our little farm is in my name since he wasn't working and I was the one that could get the loan. I am just hurt and tired and not sure if I should just let it go. It seems like such a waste but then I realize I have put everything into making this work. Now I am bone tired and sick to my stomach... I will take any suggestions and prayers you can give....
live well,
Tamara
www.thegoodearthfarm.com
"We do not inherit the earth from our ancestors, we borrow it from our children" http://thegoodearthfarm.blogspot.com follow me!
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Miss2Missus
True Blue Farmgirl
407 Posts
Karen
Asheville
NC
USA
407 Posts |
Posted - Jun 13 2009 : 3:58:53 PM
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Hey Tamara, im sorry to hear that. I do have to say it is very odd. I wish i could offer some sort of help, all i have is some pray. HUGs
Karen ^_^
http://apple-and-eve.blogspot.com/ |
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sharikrsna
True Blue Farmgirl
185 Posts
Shari
Carthage
Illinois
USA
185 Posts |
Posted - Jun 13 2009 : 3:59:42 PM
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Let him go dear. If it's meant to be he'll come back, and if not, you're better off to be done with it, and quit riding the roller coaster. 31 years is way longer than I stayed married, but it isn't worth being unhappy, despite what our elders say. You will heal, and you have all of us to love and encourage you when you need it. xoxoxoxo
Shari
Farmgirl Sister #607 |
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babysmama
True Blue Farmgirl
931 Posts
Elizabeth
Iowa
931 Posts |
Posted - Jun 13 2009 : 4:04:48 PM
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Tamara-
Oh my, how shocking to hear that! 31 years of being married is worth fighting for but in the right way. It sounds like your husband is going through a mid-life crisis and doesn't know what to do with himself. I think counseling is surely in order, and hopefully if he even remotely wants to save this marriage he will go with you. If he doesn't I recommend you try counseling yourself, it will help you express your thoughts and feelings. If you can't afford it try Catholic Charities or Luthern Services, they both offer it on a sliding scale fee and it is a Christian based counseling.
If he wants to travel you two could hopefully plan out a few trips to take, but it is silly to think you can just up and leave everything and travel around with no money and no plan. I don't know your situation or life story but I have to guess that if you tell him plain and clear that you are staying put, want to work on the marriage, and willing to put a little excitement into your life by planning a trip or two he may try to call your bluff but I think after a time he will realize what he is suggesting is just plain crazy and come running home to you.
Pray, pray, pray is all I can really say. Prayer is the biggest help and I will be saying prayers for you as well.
-Elizabeth
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ddmashayekhi
True Blue Farmgirl
4759 Posts
Dawn
Naperville
Illinois
USA
4759 Posts |
Posted - Jun 13 2009 : 4:06:40 PM
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You deserve happiness! Time to stop trying to please him and find peace & joy for yourself. It is up to him if he is going to be part of that.
Do you have a minister or someone who can help counsel you through this? Ask for help, it is out there for you, don't suffer alone! We farmgirls are here, but you need someone close to home too! Isolation is not good!
You are in my prayers,
Dawn in IL |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
Posted - Jun 13 2009 : 4:10:32 PM
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Oh Tamara! How devestating for you! It must have been such a shock! I guess the real question is whether you would be happy traveling around. If not and if he isn't willing to talk it over perhaps he should go on his own (with his own money) and if/when he wants to come back, maybe he will be happier? This must be so difficult! My heart goes out to you!
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.awarmheart.com
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
www.allergyjourneys.blogspot.com
Put your pin on the farmgirl map! www.farmgirlmap.blogspot.com |
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BarefootGoatGirl
True Blue Farmgirl
1495 Posts
Corrine
North Carolina
USA
1495 Posts |
Posted - Jun 13 2009 : 4:54:52 PM
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no advice on my part, (heaven knows i cant even deal with my own relationships).....just sending love and prayers your way. i cant imagine what your going through, but my heart is with you.
What we write today slipped into our souls some other day when we were alone and doing nothing.
-Brenda Ueland
http://quilandneedle.blogspot.com/
http://musingandmuttering.blogspot.com |
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Bear5
True Blue Farmgirl
13055 Posts
Louisiana/Texas
USA
13055 Posts |
Posted - Jun 13 2009 : 7:10:40 PM
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Tamara:
I like what the farmgirls/citygirls are saying. Just where does your DH want to travel? Did you ask yourself, and search your heart to what YOU want to do? It sounds like it's all about him. 31 years!!!! I will certainly keep you in my prayers. Prayers are mighty powerful.
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
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Calicogirl
True Blue Farmgirl
5216 Posts
Sharon
Bruce Crossing
Michigan
USA
5216 Posts |
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lilwing
True Blue Farmgirl
1403 Posts
Brooke
Fulshear
Texas
USA
1403 Posts |
Posted - Jun 13 2009 : 7:39:54 PM
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You let him go and take care of yourself and your farm in your name and to h-e-double-fiddlesticks with him! Sorry for it said like that but it jurts burns me up and I'm a pretty honest person ... We are all praying for you. Don't let it go. Let him go though and you take care of yourself!! Think about yourself now and what is going on with your son/children. He is being extremely selfish and I am sure you have done more than enough for him!
~~~~
http://nightbirdtrading.etsy.com
http://www.stevietribute.com |
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MBurns
True Blue Farmgirl
1859 Posts
Marlene
Swisher
IA
USA
1859 Posts |
Posted - Jun 13 2009 : 7:59:30 PM
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If you have a way to make a living and can support yourself do what is best for you. You can't make someone stay if they are unhappy. I have been through a divorce and it is hard but not the end of the world. My prayers are with you in making a decision.
Happiness is having
farmgirl friends. |
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mikesgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
3659 Posts
Sherri
Elma
WA
USA
3659 Posts |
Posted - Jun 13 2009 : 9:32:00 PM
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Well first of all - love and prayers going your way. Secondly, I'm sorry that he put you in this predicament. I've been married 38 years and I know how shocked and devastated I would be if my dh came home and said that to me. But my advice would be pretty much the same as the others. It may be a blessing in disguise - an opportunity to find a little peace for yourself and to see what who your authentic self is. If you have a job that supports yourself, you are one step ahead of the game. I say let him go, and concentrate on you for awhile. You maybe pleasantly surprised at what you discover.
Farmgirl Sister #98
Visit my online store at:
http://www.shopthefrontier.com/VFstore/index.php?manufacturers_id=79&osCsid=6be4b25bf9555031c6e2e86bbde23dba |
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kissmekate
True Blue Farmgirl
890 Posts
Kate
Delano
Minnesota
890 Posts |
Posted - Jun 13 2009 : 11:48:29 PM
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*HUG*
No words of wisdom, but figured you could use a huge hug, and a shoulder to cry on. Cry, vent, swear, yell, scream etc. all you want. We farmgirls are here for you.
Don't miss out on a blessing, just because it isn't packaged the way you expected. ~MaryJo Copeland |
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Tapestry
True Blue Farmgirl
1223 Posts
Cheryl
Wisconsin
USA
1223 Posts |
Posted - Jun 14 2009 : 12:55:08 AM
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Hugggzz to you Tamara. How hurtful and heartbreaking this must be for you. I don't know you or your situation but wondering why he picked 2 months as the deadline? What happens during the next two months? Is he hoping you'll sell the farm and use that money to travel on? If he's being hurtful to you about things and verbally abusing you then I'd have to say let him go. Good riddance. Keep your farm. See to it that he provides for your son's college and health insurance and let him go. This kind of behavior always makes me wonder if there is another woman in the background someplace, either an online someone or someone he met at work? Sometimes you have to wonder what goes through a man's head sometimes....sigh. Take care of you during all of this and remember you are a valuable person and you DESERVE to be treated well.
Hugggzz
Happy farmgirl sister #353
Look for rainbows instead of mud puddles 
http://fantasm01.imagekind.com/
http://tapestrysimaginings.blogspot.com/ |
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Annab
True Blue Farmgirl
2900 Posts
Anna
Seagrove
NC
USA
2900 Posts |
Posted - Jun 14 2009 : 03:44:22 AM
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So very sorry. Here's a hug from NC
Try the counseling. If not for him, then for you. If it doesn't work, keep your farm and bit of happiness and let him go. |
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kmbrown
True Blue Farmgirl
459 Posts
Misty
Waynesboro
Pennsylvania
USA
459 Posts |
Posted - Jun 14 2009 : 04:06:27 AM
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| I am so terribly sorry. I have no words of advise....but as others have stated, I sincerely offer my prayers, thoughts and anything else that could help you during this time. |
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lisamarie508
True Blue Farmgirl
2648 Posts
Lisa
Idaho City
ID
USA
2648 Posts |
Posted - Jun 14 2009 : 05:56:00 AM
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Thirty one years! Dang! You said he didn't work but didn't say he was disabled or anything. Since I don't know the details, I can't say for sure, but this kind of arrangement seems to be gaining in popularity among men. They sit on their arse, expect the wife to work outside the home and then come home and work some more because they won't do a darn thing! I'm seeing this more and more over the past few years.
The whole thing about giving notice and pulling up roots to run off to...whoknowswhere with whoknowswhat money...sends a red flag up for me (I could be considered a bit jaded ;) but, it sounds like a control thing. Once he gets you away from your home, job, family and friends; you would basically be at his mercy. Sounds way too scary to me. I would let him go. And I'm with Cheryl asking why the 2 month deadline? Is he just bluffing? Or is he counting on the money from the sale of YOUR farm to pull this off and giving you the time to sell? Either way, it's only prolonging your agony and I would tell him to go right now. But that's me.
Farmgirl Sister #35
"If you can not do great things, do small things in a great way." Napoleon Hill (1883-1970)
my blog:
http://lisamariesbasketry.blogspot.com/
My apron website:
http://lisamariesaprons.bravehost.com |
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jpbluesky
True Blue Farmgirl
6066 Posts
Jeannie
Florida
USA
6066 Posts |
Posted - Jun 14 2009 : 07:09:07 AM
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My sympathies, too, and prayers go out to you. That would be a shocker if it happened to me! I have been married 32 years. But my first thought was, as I read your first post, DO NOT LEAVE your farm. Stay, it is yours, and don't do anything quick.
Farmgirl Sister # 31
www.blueskyjeannie.blogspot.com
Psalm 51: 10-13 |
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sharikrsna
True Blue Farmgirl
185 Posts
Shari
Carthage
Illinois
USA
185 Posts |
Posted - Jun 14 2009 : 07:28:56 AM
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Yes, definitely keep your farm. You can always take in boarders if money gets tight. Ignore his foolish ultimatums! In fact, if he gets nasty, tell him not to wait, just get out now.
Shari
Farmgirl Sister #607 |
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Caron
True Blue Farmgirl
535 Posts
Caron
Orange
Texas
USA
535 Posts |
Posted - Jun 14 2009 : 07:38:10 AM
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I will be praying that the Lord gives you wisdom to make the right choice for YOU. Listen for His voice and guidance. *hugs*
Caron
"Praise to the Lord, the Almighty, the King of creation".
Farmgirl Sister #254
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Suzan
True Blue Farmgirl
659 Posts
suzanne
duncannon
pa
USA
659 Posts |
Posted - Jun 14 2009 : 08:23:47 AM
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| Tamara, Put yourself first and do what is best for you - it is time. I will be thinking about you. |
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
Posted - Jun 15 2009 : 1:33:32 PM
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Oh gosh, Tamara....I'm so sorry..and a little stunned as I imagine you are--I just want to relate a little bit...this sounds so familiar to me--it's very similar to what my ex husband did, though we were only married 4 years. I guess he didn't want it to go on (and on) like that...He basically said the same thing-he came home one afternoon after his class and was kindof blasee and when I asked what was wrong, he said, "I don't want to be married anymore. I want to go and come as I pleas, I'm tired of being tied down to bills, home repairs" (i.e. anything normal and responsible)" and he wanted out. I was devastated--I thought he was going crazy. I thought I was going crazy....and then I got angry. I had sacrificed everything so he could continue his education, working 3 jobs while he went to school and didn't work, and he just kept going to school--took advantage of everything I "gave" and never "gave back". He also said really mean things when he was "leaving". I understood from my counselor that they do that so it makes it easier to leave--puts everything back on you. Don't you take it! Not one bit! My best advise is for you to seek counseling for yourself. My church offered counseling and it was the BEST thing I could do for myself. She helped me get through it and made me see the manipulation and childish tactics he used to get his way. And he got it alright! He was wishy washy about leaving and spent the whole summer, "I'm going" "No, I'm going to stay" and about 2 months in, I'd had it. One morning, I said, "Ok, get your things and get out of here...by tonight at 5pm." Suddenly, he wasn't so sure about leaving!!! But, I made him go, and after a year or so of licking my wounds, it dawned on me one bright day, that it was the best thing that ever happened to me
Tamara, I'd let him go--you've worked so hard already. Because, here's the thing that I eventually came to realize--noone is worth keeping if they don't want to be with YOU, and love and respect YOU. You will always be waiting now, if he decides to stay, for the other shoe to drop. It's unfair and I did for a whole summer and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, let alone a farm girl sister.
Praying for you, sending you good thoughts and wishes for a strong heart and backbone!
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
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greyghost
True Blue Farmgirl
650 Posts
Lynn
Summerville
Georgia
USA
650 Posts |
Posted - Jun 15 2009 : 4:23:34 PM
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(((hugs))) Tamara. Hang in there! I know you're a very strong woman, and you will get through this and be happy again. Let him go, he's a fool to just walk away like this.
My mother in law went through much the same thing. SHE worked two jobs and cared for the boys while he went to school to be an accountant. The original agreement was, she'd work to get him through school, and then he'd work to get her through school. Well after he started his accountant's office, he basically wanted her to stay home and be a good housewife, never mind getting a degree. Then he slowly took control over everything else.
Then one day, when my DH was 8 and his brother 12, he announced he wanted a divorce. He remarried very quickly: to his blonde, big-boobied secretary.
My MIL is happy now - she had to find her own happiness - raising 2 boys alone and working so much to keep food in the house. My DH remembers a lot of scant meals, and still panics when I let our food stores go down because I want to replenish with fresh.
She put herself through college while my DH was also in college -they graduated in the same month (different schools). She doesn't want to remarry - she is happy as an independent woman, capable of making her own decisions and doing whatever she wants to with her life.
And my DH's dad? Died at 56 of a massive coronary. He'd never worked to keep a relationship with his sons, was never there for them. It was really very sad. |
Edited by - greyghost on Jun 15 2009 4:24:51 PM |
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Annika
True Blue Farmgirl
5602 Posts
Annika
USA
5602 Posts |
Posted - Jun 15 2009 : 6:30:55 PM
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Don't you take it from him! (((hugs))) Let him go and be free of him, he sounds like he is being creepy and manipulative and as other girls have said, DONT LEAVE YOUR FARM! I'm so sorry he is doing this to you and I wish you all the best in this difficult and painful time. You should see about counselling for yourself here. You are going through so much. I know that you are a strong woman and that you will come through this just fine.
You can always count on farmgirls to support one another.
Annika
Farmgirl & sister #13
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NikkiBeaumont
True Blue Farmgirl
473 Posts
473 Posts |
Posted - Jun 16 2009 : 04:25:21 AM
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Big, bear hugs to you, Tamara! And my prayers are with you. Echoing the farmgirls on advising to KEEP THAT FARM! Absolutely, don't be rushed. I know that you are in a lot of pain over this. I am praying that God will guide you and give you peace.
Farmgirl Sister #554
http://alabamaheartofdixie.blogspot.com/ |
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CherryMeDarlin
True Blue Farmgirl
602 Posts
Cherry
Odenville
AL
USA
602 Posts |
Posted - Jun 16 2009 : 09:12:37 AM
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Oh, Tamara, I feel all that you are feeling right now! Your head's probably spinning and you just want everything to stop so you can take a deep breath. My hubs and I divorced in '04 and remarried in '05 after 17 years of marriage. The hardest words I've ever heard were "I just don't know if I want you anymore." But once they were said, my resolve strengthened and I found a new peace at that exact moment (God is so good!) and my reply was to tell him to go do what he needed to do, but that I was staying put on our 39 acres and if/when he ever came back he might be welcomed and he might not be. I just wanted him to be happy and if that meant him finding his happiness elsewhere, then so be it. I knew that it would be so much better being alone than to continue the back-and-forth that had gone on for months. I thought about all the years invested in this marriage and how they seemed wasted, until I looked at our baby girl, who was 12 at the time, and I thanked God for our union if for no other reason than she was the result of it.
Eventually, he came back around and we started talking. The thing about it was, I wasn't the same person anymore. He forced me to become stronger and more self-centered, which is sometimes the very best of things, to be more selfish. And so, his return was surrounded by conditions and expectations that I set and he had to meet. I told him that if he couldn't or wouldn't, he may as well just stay away.
You will have to make compromises if you want to continue your marriage, but you must also stand your ground for what you deserve. Do not sacrifice your true self for anybody, even a man you have a 31 year history with.
Oh, and at the time he uttered those horrible words to me, there was another woman in the picture. Something to consider, because it does sound as though your boy is going through that dreaded mid-life crisis. I've often wondered if that's a cruel trade-off; men endure our PMSing through the years and hit us with their mid-life crisis' just as we're reaching the age when PMS is no longer an issue! It's like they save it up and wallop us upside the head with it!
~~Cherry~~
http://cherrymedarlin.blogspot.com
"A thing is as simple or as complicated as you make it." --TT Murphy |
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Family Matters: Divorce after 31 years of marriage?!?! |
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Divorce after 31 years of marriage?!?!
