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Family Matters:  Divorce after 31 years of marriage?!?!  |
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goneriding
True Blue Farmgirl
1599 Posts
Winona
Central Oregon
USA
1599 Posts |
 Posted - Jun 16 2009 : 10:44:22 PM
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Welp, pretty much everyone has said what I would have said. I spent 18 years with a clown that I now realize was one manipulating SO* and truly regret that I gave him that much time. My first thought was why wait 2 months, get him out now. I think he's trying to isolate you and it gets worse from there. He knows what he is inside and he'll (dare I say 'hate') you for not standing up to him and he'll make it worse on you. It's a cycle. You don't need it. I say tell him to hit the door pronto.
I'm wondering tho, if you had the farm while married to him, doesn't he get part of it as community property?? Even if he does, he's not worth it and you'll be happier without him.
I guess you can tell I'm rather bitter about my ex. I don't let it eat at me anymore but I'm a realist and realize how much time/life I wasted and THAT's what annoys me. The good news is that after I left, I met the love of my life. So, whatever you decide, do it with a clear head and don't look back.
Winona ;-)
To read funny stories about my cooking 'skills', please visit http://lostadventuresincooking.blogspot.com/
For uber-opinionated, pleasurable horse related reading, please visit http://horseinfoperson.blogspot.com/
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Jami
True Blue Farmgirl
1238 Posts
Jami
Ellensburg
WA
USA
1238 Posts |
Posted - Jun 17 2009 : 07:47:13 AM
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First and foremost, my heart did an achy thing when I read your post. I am thinking of you and good thoughts too for the best outcome. I am sorry for what you're going through and completely understand the sick to the stomach feeling, etc. Life can throw us some real curves and most of the time they are things we have to bear down and push through...like giving birth or something. Ouch.
Now, I am a cynic of sorts after wising up from a once-gullible girl so keep that in mind. Do you kind of wonder what he's got in the works with this 2-month timeline? Something smells funny about that one.
Take care girl.
Jami in WA
Farmgirl Sister #266
http://cookecreeksheep.blogspot.com
http://cookecreekwool.etsy.com |
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CherryMeDarlin
True Blue Farmgirl
602 Posts
Cherry
Odenville
AL
USA
602 Posts |
Posted - Jun 17 2009 : 08:27:28 AM
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Thinking about you, Tamara, and wondering how things are working out for you. Hope you're okay.
~~Cherry~~
http://cherrymedarlin.blogspot.com
"A thing is as simple or as complicated as you make it." --TT Murphy |
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Tn.Earthmama
True Blue Farmgirl
451 Posts
Phyllis
Englewood
Tennessee
451 Posts |
Posted - Jun 17 2009 : 10:56:34 AM
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Oh Tamara, I am sooo sorry!!! here you are trying everything to help him and he just wants to walk out. Do you think his illness might have something to do with it? since he has a history of running, could be he just decided to be a selfish jerk. I was just thinking that maybe the Hep. C has him thinking he has to do everything he ever wanted to do because he might not get another chance. so not the way to go about it.
all that said, you have to take care of yourself and your kids. I'm glad the farm is in your name, I know how much you love your home. Please know that you are worthy of being happy and safe. he has to learn his own lessons and make his own mistakes, and I think this one is a doozy!!!! Sending love and hugs, I'm close enough to you that if you need support in person, I'm here, just tell me how to get there. Hugs Phyllis |
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corporatefarmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
389 Posts
Tamara
Pikeville
TN
USA
389 Posts |
Posted - Jun 17 2009 : 12:35:06 PM
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first let me say thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers ~ i am hanging in there....not much has changed. he still wants to leave and i have told him to go... i am feeling stronger ~ stronger than i thought i would be... so for now i am moving forward while letting go...
i have told him i can not and will not leave. maybe it is his illness, maybe it is a midlife crisis but someone has to be realistic and look at the whole picture. our youngest son just graduated high school ~ what about him? we have a home, children, grandchildren. what about health care? what about money?....so i woke up and realized this was not my choice but how i chose to respond and live now is what matters so i am counting my blessings and being grateful for the life i have be it with or with out him.....
live well,
Tamara
www.thegoodearthfarm.com
"We do not inherit the earth from our ancestors, we borrow it from our children" http://thegoodearthfarm.blogspot.com follow me!
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CountryBorn
True Blue Farmgirl
1545 Posts
Mary Jane
New York
USA
1545 Posts |
Posted - Jun 17 2009 : 2:18:19 PM
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Tamara, I am glad to see that you are thinking so clearly and have made some very good choices. Something like this can really throw you. Honestly, you are so right, you cannot make his choices for him. But, you can make your own. If he wants to go so be it. It may well be a blessing in disguise. The main thing now is that from now on you think about yourself first, your children too of course. But, they are pretty much grown too. Make decisions that really matter to you. Live your life for your own wants needs and enjoyment. We only come this way once. If we don't take the opportunity to live our lives happily and full of the things we love, then we are really missing out. No one knows how long or short life may be. But, make the most out of every minute you have, by filling your life with the things that matter most to you, do the things and live your life to make you feel happy and fulfilled. Your husband sounds pretty messed up. It probably has nothing to do with you. He is going through his own bad time. But, the fact is it does affect you in many ways. This could go on for years. The best course in my opinion is to make sure that you have the proper health insurance, enough money to live on and if keeping your farm is important to you, as I know it is, see a lawyer and find out exactly what your legal rights are. That doesn't mean you have to start divorce proceedings or anything you are not ready for. But, you must know what you are up against and what you need to do to protect yourself.He is certainly unstable and undependable right now. It may well end up that you will not be willing to live with him under these ot any circumstances. So you really do need to protect yourself. I really believe every woman should do this. Things like this happen very unexpectedly to so many women. You know sometimes the worst of times can precede some of the best times in your life. Take good care of yourself. You know that we are all here for you. Keep us posted and stay strong and centered you will come through this well, I know it.
Hugs Mary Jane
There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do. Freya Stark |
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Tn.Earthmama
True Blue Farmgirl
451 Posts
Phyllis
Englewood
Tennessee
451 Posts |
Posted - Jun 17 2009 : 3:17:08 PM
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Tamara, I hope when I mentioned his illness, it didn't sound like i was making excuses for him.. the illness isn't an excuse to treat you badly and ignore your needs. sounds like you are making good sound decisions and taking care of yourself. mary Jane has a point about seeing a lawyer. wouldn't hurt to cover all the bases.
Sending hugs and lots of positive energy your way. Phyllis |
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NudeFoodFarm
True Blue Farmgirl
433 Posts
Heide
Benton City
WA
433 Posts |
Posted - Jun 17 2009 : 5:25:23 PM
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Tamera, sweet, sweet Tamera.
I am so sorry for the pain and loss you are feeling but I am so happy to read of your strength. I have no doubt that not only will you survive this dark time, you will come out of it shining. Don't fear or worry, just keep taking care and being good to yourself. You don't deserve this unstabability and guilt.
Just keep plowin' thru.
Best,
h
Nude Food Farm
~Grown so good,
Dressing is Optional. |
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NikkiBeaumont
True Blue Farmgirl
473 Posts
473 Posts |
Posted - Jun 17 2009 : 5:33:59 PM
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Tamara, it does seem that you are grounded and steady, thinking clearly and staying balanced. That is very good. I'm glad that you are feeling strong. And you are right, you can't control him, but you can choose how you respond and how you live. It is wonderful that through this you are counting your blessings and being thankful. God is good and He is watching over you and your husband!
Farmgirl Sister #554
http://alabamaheartofdixie.blogspot.com/ |
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CherryMeDarlin
True Blue Farmgirl
602 Posts
Cherry
Odenville
AL
USA
602 Posts |
Posted - Jun 17 2009 : 6:01:46 PM
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Amen, Nikki! Couldn't have said it better now matter how hard I tried!
~~Cherry~~
http://cherrymedarlin.blogspot.com
"A thing is as simple or as complicated as you make it." --TT Murphy |
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Betty J.
True Blue Farmgirl
1403 Posts
Betty
Pasco
WA
USA
1403 Posts |
Posted - Jun 17 2009 : 6:39:37 PM
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It is interesting to read your message. My 3rd (Yes third) husband had left his wife of 31 years to marry someone from South Africa where he had been working because he couldn't find a job in the US. He brings this woman back to the US from SA and she got very homesick, missing her family and all. Well, he was cheating on #1 when he met her, then after two years of marriage cheated on her when she told him she wasn't coming back to the US. When he told her about me, she zoomed back--but it was too late. He divorced her and we were married (after knowing him for only 3 months). Well, things went downhill from there and he has married his fourth and fifth wives since I divorced him. I don't know what I was thinking. I hadn't had attention from a man for years and years because I was too busy taking care of my two sons. Well, I should have stayed taking care of my two sons.
I don't know if he is happy or not, but I really like his first wife. She and I get along well. Personally, I don't know how she stayed married to him for so long, but that was what you did in those days.
Just my two cents worth and maybe not even worth that much. I'm single now and probably will be until the day I die. I'm not looking.
Betty in Pasco |
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dutchy
True Blue Farmgirl
4427 Posts
4427 Posts |
Posted - Jun 18 2009 : 12:17:04 AM
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I too have no words of advice. I can just give you some big hugs across the ocean. Hang in there girl. Maybe it is "midlife crisis" ??
Hugs from Marian/Dutchy, a farmgirl from the Netherlands :)
My personal blog:
http://just-me-a-dutch-girl.blogspot.com/
Almost daily updates on me and mine :)
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simplyflowers
True Blue Farmgirl
489 Posts
Jamie
Locust Grove
Virginia
USA
489 Posts |
Posted - Jun 18 2009 : 03:04:18 AM
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Be strong. Have the courage to be yourself. Figure out 'your' goals... Write them down.. And don't ever let anyone but you change them.
You sound like you have fought so hard for 31 years. Take a break and smell the roses. :)
"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work." -- Thomas Edison
Check out my blog!! http://bestcoupleintown.blogspot.com/ |
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Jami
True Blue Farmgirl
1238 Posts
Jami
Ellensburg
WA
USA
1238 Posts |
Posted - Jun 18 2009 : 07:47:56 AM
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Hear, hear...all of the girls here said it well so I won't repeat it. But I will say...you seem to be the only adult in that household, girl. I'm darned proud of you and your decisions during a very stressful time. A lot of us would crumble under the pressure and stress. I know you're hurting still but you've still got that farmgirl spirit shining through. Big hug your way.
Jami in WA
Farmgirl Sister #266
http://cookecreeksheep.blogspot.com
http://cookecreekwool.etsy.com |
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corporatefarmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
389 Posts
Tamara
Pikeville
TN
USA
389 Posts |
Posted - Jun 18 2009 : 09:53:07 AM
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thank you so much for all of your words of wisdom and encouragement...there is pain, but i am suprisingly ok right now. that is not to say i am not greiving but the reality is this ~ i am ok, my kids and loved ones are healthy, i have a home, a job, and a life. all of which i am thankful for...i have faced worse ( having been told 4 different times that a couple of our children would not survive illnesses top my list) and in facing those things it has made me understand how little we really control in this rollercoaster called life. which in a way is liberating. the only thing i can control out of this whole mess is ME! how i choose to respond, how i choose to live, is all up to me... you know what ~ i choose to be fine, i choose to move forward, i choose to have a life!
live well,
Tamara
www.thegoodearthfarm.com
"We do not inherit the earth from our ancestors, we borrow it from our children" http://thegoodearthfarm.blogspot.com follow me!
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22937 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22937 Posts |
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brightmeadow
True Blue Farmgirl
2045 Posts
Brenda
Lucas
Ohio
USA
2045 Posts |
Posted - Jun 18 2009 : 4:35:54 PM
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What a great attitude! And you mentioned something that our pastor often says "we think we have things under control, but we forget we are NOT in CONTROL."
All we can do is make the best choices we can every day - make them according to our principles and beliefs, and for the good of everyone involved.
In the long run everything will work out for the best, it always does, like the mother abbess in the Sound of Music says "when God closes a door he always opens a window"...
You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands - You shall be happy and it shall be well with you. -Psalm 128.2
Visit my blog at http://brightmeadowfarms.blogspot.com ,web site store at http://www.watkinsonline.com/fish or my homepage at http://home.earthlink.net/~brightmeadow |
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yarnmamma
True Blue Farmgirl
4247 Posts
Linda
Clarks Summit
PA
USA
4247 Posts |
Posted - Jun 19 2009 : 07:52:23 AM
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Oh, Tamera, bless your heart.
I see that you have your answers and you are strong and planning to do the right thing.
Trust that all will be well and peace with reign in your soul and your family. I believe a good heart with good intentions always receives the best. I am very proud of you for being wise and empowered.
I think I will need to learn from your experience! Keep sharing of yourself with us and we will all be blessed!
((((((hUUUUUGGGGSSS for you))))))
Linda in Scranton, PA
The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world! |
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Annika
True Blue Farmgirl
5602 Posts
Annika
USA
5602 Posts |
Posted - Jun 19 2009 : 08:27:22 AM
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Tamara (((HUGS))) I believe in you and think you are going the right path here. Bless you for the brave soul that you are. Let us know if we can help any... know that we all will be here for you and supporting you with good thought and prayer every step of the way.
Annika
Farmgirl & sister #13
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peachy
True Blue Farmgirl
593 Posts
Melissa
Fennville
MI
USA
593 Posts |
Posted - Jun 23 2009 : 09:14:15 AM
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I'm so sorry Tamara! Prayers and hugs are coming from MI...you just need to follow your own heart and make your own decisions and it probably isn't helping that he's not being very nice right now. I truly feel for you, just take good care of yourself right now. I know when my ex -dh (the d does not stand for dear in this case) left me I lost 20 pounds instantly, started having anxiety attacks constantly and absolutely could not sleep, just keep your own health up as good as you can!
Melissa
Farmgirl Sister #360
http://oldethymecountrybarn.blogspot.com/
Life isn't about waiting for the storms to pass...it's about learning to dance in the rain! |
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Julia
True Blue Farmgirl
1949 Posts
Julia
Shelton
WA
USA
1949 Posts |
Posted - Jun 23 2009 : 10:45:26 PM
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Tamara,I am so sorry you have to go through this. Know that my prayers are ascending, that you would have wisdom, comfort and direction. Make sure you take care of you.
For tomorrow and its needs I do not pray, but keep me, guide me, love me, Lord just for today.
St. Augustine
#440 |
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KayB
True Blue Farmgirl
540 Posts
Kay
Del City
Oklahoma
USA
540 Posts |
Posted - Jun 24 2009 : 06:48:45 AM
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Just a heads up - I know the property is in your name only, but check with your state laws. I worked with mortgages and properties for several years and some states will consider it community property whether his name is on it or not - especially after 31 years of marriage. So in spite of everything else, please be careful. I know that you must be heartbroken after all of these years, because I know how I felt after a couple with my 1st one. Also, my dad put a house he inherited from his mom in my sister's name only and was furious when got some kind of paperwork showing my brother-in-law on the property, also. I tried explaining the laws to him, but he kept saying that he didn't put the b-i-l on there and why did my sister do it because he didn't want him on there. Just please protect yourself. You never know what these males can do when they get a little crazy.
KayB
Life's a dance you learn as you go |
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Family Matters: Divorce after 31 years of marriage?!?! |
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Divorce after 31 years of marriage?!?!
