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Family Matters:  Changing disrespect in your marriage  |
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KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
 Posted - Sep 28 2007 : 07:27:32 AM
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I don't really know how to begin except to say that I feel like I'm in a cycle of disrespect and disappointment in my husband, and he (I believe), feels the same. We had a nice vacation last week, for the most part, until he got really ugly on the 13 hour ride home (in front of my mother), and since we've been back home, he's been moody and ignores me most of the time or bossy about little things, or I do the same to him. It almost makes me feel now, like his attitude on vacation was an act in front of my family..."look how great we are as a couple!"
It's a combination of things with me--I feel like there is no intimacy (I don't mean THAT kind, just general kindess, touching, holding hands, hugs, etc...), and his moodswings just wear me out. I get tired of walking on eggshells. But there's something more menacing below the surface, constantly bubbling. I have found, that, this week anyway, I hardly like him as a person. And I think the feeling is mutual. When I've tried talking with him, it turns sour, and is counterproductive because we both start blaming, and the original point, or goal is lost. I'm really just exhausted with it all.
How do you ladies who have been married for a while do it? I mean, not how do you stay married (though any tips on THAT would be appreciated  ), but bring communication and sensitivity back when you just feel like giving up?
Sorry if this is so down, but I feel like I could just cry all day.
"She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian. |
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emsmommy5
True Blue Farmgirl
1547 Posts
Angie
Buckley
WA
USA
1547 Posts |
Posted - Sep 28 2007 : 07:52:57 AM
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Sorry you are having such a rough time. Marriage can be really wonderful and yet, a lot of work. My first advice would be to stop and take a look at your own behavior and if there are things you can change, work on that.
Second, take a real look at what is going on with your husband and see if there are other things, maybe work or other stressors, that are contributing to his attitude. Sometimes it is a little easier to have patience and understanding when we take a look at the bigger picture.
Thirdly, do not accept negativity. If he can't be nice, then the conversation stops until he can be. That is really hard to do, especially if you are part of the blaming and negativity. So, you would need to work on your part first.
Lastly, one of the things I instituted a while ago, then we got out of the habit, but my husband re-instituted last week, is the 10-second kiss. When he gets home from work, I committed to stop what I am doing and give him a 10-second kiss. It is just a little thing, but it helps refocus on the two of us and actually does make a big difference.
There are other things I have done and things we have had to work on during the almost 25 years we've been married. But start with those few things and hopefully things will start to turn around.
And, it's ok to cry all day. But turn off the water-works, dry your face, and be ready for your kiss when he gets home from work. =)
Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth! |
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KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
Posted - Sep 28 2007 : 08:43:56 AM
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Thanks, Angie--
I'm feeling pretty sorry for myself, I guess. That's one of the reasons I did write this out because I know that I'm equally to blame when it comes to the arguments, but, once I start to disrespect someone, it's almost always a downward spiral from there.
My mother might not be helping, either. She was witness to his irrational behavior on the ride home from vacation, and she's made comments here and there all week about how rude and ungrateful he is, and that he needs to get a better job, or contribute more, or just anything...I mean, he was mean to her, also, and neither she nor I said anything because, well, you just feel like sometimes you're walking in a minefield with him, and I didn't want it to escalate any further.
For example. This morning, we got into an argument because he's been sluggish in the mornings, and emails on the computer instead of getting ready and I've been late to work every day this week. Then the car wouldn't start (the mechanic called--it was the battery, even though he screamed at me for saying so), so I decided to take a bus in to work, as did he. He emptied out our little change thing, but only for him--he took all of it, and when I found that I didn't have enough change for the fare in my wallet, I had to ask him for a dime, which he eventually threw at me. He started out without me, walking the mile up the street, I followed behind, and on the bus, he treated me like a total stranger, only until a few seconds before my stop when he got mad at me for not pulling the bell rope soon enough. So, it's little vicious/vindictive things with him, and I guess that's the only way he learned to fight from his parents' terrible marriage, but if you care about someone at ALL, how would you expect that person to respond to you after a time?
In regard to this negativity, I feel like I'm to blame, too. He rarely apologizes for his actions, and frankly, that just breeds resentment in me--and I end up trying to hurt him equally. It's not the way to go, obviously, and I feel SO stupid about this--at one time, we were respectful to one another, and we cared about hurting each other, and that's stopped somewhere along the line. It absolutely breaks my heart.
"She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian. |
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juliet79
True Blue Farmgirl
112 Posts
Heather
Worland
Wyoming
USA
112 Posts |
Posted - Sep 28 2007 : 08:53:27 AM
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A relationship of any kind, especially a marriage has to be built on trust, respect, and companionship. Sounds like you and your husband are having a very difficult time right now, I'm so sorry. Have you tried any sort of counseling? Sometimes just talking to a professional whether it be through a community center or a church, helps a lot. they may give you pointers on how to have a crucial conversation with him, and the correct way to confront him when he makes you feel like crap. Try telling him that you love him very much, and that is why you married him, but then tell him that you don't deserve to be treated disrespectfully, and that if he doesn't make a change, you will. On the flip side, even though you are frustrated, you shouldn't be picking back at him. Stay away from situations and conversations that wind up being a fight. Then, over time, when it is more comfortable, talk about those issues that bug you. You can't be two separate people living in the same house, that isn't a marriage.
Make a list of what you love about him, and when things get rough, remind yourself that he does have qualities that are attractive. Tell him when he does something right, and if he loves you enough, he will understand that he is hurting you and try to do better.
I hope that everything works out for you and that you find your way to happiness one way or another! |
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Mumof3
True Blue Farmgirl
3890 Posts
Karin
Ellenwood
GA
USA
3890 Posts |
Posted - Sep 28 2007 : 09:19:53 AM
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I have found that it is impossible to make someone else change and that we can only change ourselves- in how we react, approach, speak, think, and talk about those we love.
It does not however, give the other person the right to be hurtful and disrespectful to you. Walk away when he does. Easier said than done sometimes, but falling into that trap only makes things worse. His bad behavior is a manifestation of something awry in his life. Is there anyone he can talk to about what he is feeling? Either a family member, a church leader or a friend?
I have seen this in my own children. When they have made a choice that is not in line with the standards with which they have been raised, it comes out in anger towards me or their father. Everytime.
Marriage is not the easiest thing and you certainly have had your share of bumps in the road this year. I've probably repeated some thinsg that have already been mentioned, but they are worth trying, believe me.
(((hugs))) to you-
Karin
Wherever you go, there you are.
Come visit me at:
www.madrekarin.etsy.com
www.madrekarin.blogspot.com |
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KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
Posted - Sep 28 2007 : 09:57:49 AM
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You're right (all of you :). I need to change the way I react, speak and behave, and maybe it will give him an example of how I should be treated--who knows? He does have a history of explosive verbal tendencies, but not just with me--with everyone. It's only in the last months that I've been on the receiving end, and there have been a number of changes in his life (all done by him) but he really doesn't share any fears, or concerns or feelings with me about anything that might happen, so at this point, I sort of wing it, and then I get in trouble for assumption, or for trying to help him through things or "hovering".
I really appreciate all your thoughts, and I'm going to make a conscious effort to not get drawn in when he's in a mood, or attack him back when he lashes out. We're both adults, afterall, and should be acting like adults, before it's too late.
"She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian. |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
Posted - Sep 28 2007 : 12:31:32 PM
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Jonni! *hugs!*
It looks like you are getting great advice from everyone. I have to say Doug and I have gotten into cycles in the past where we just picked each other to pieces. You start to dread having to deal with them and that is never good. I learned that when I feel like I need to lash out, I need to remove myself from the situation. Just get out of the house, go to the bedroom and scream into a pillow or something.
You are a wonderful woman and neither one of you deserves to pick at each other. I know it is easy to say "Don't react, don't respond" but in the heat of the moment it is hard to remember or sometimes impossible to do.
So here is what I did to help Doug and I's relationship when we got really rough.
I wrote him a letter. A long letter. Not a 10 page marathon letter that he would never finish, but just a page or two or whatever it takes. I sat down in a quite room and forced myself to clear my head of hurt and frustration and anger. Then I thought back about some of my most fond memories that were about the two of us. I wrote down some of my memories and told him how much I love him and how much his loves means to me. Then I wrote down that I was saddened that we seemed to have grown so far apart and didn't know how to fill the void with anything except anger and spite. I let him know that whenever he was sad and frustrated it was hard for me to see because he wasn't opening up to me and I felt that if only he would talk to me the burden might be easier to bear. I admitted openly that I was just as much to blame in the causing of the drifting apart. Then I pledged that I would do whatever it took to get our relationship back on track and that I was willing to work hard and asked his forgiveness for all the times in the past that I had been bitter and angry. I finished by telling him again that I love him and still wanted him in my life.
The thing that I have come to realize is that guys are just as insecure about relationships as women are- they just have a different way of showing it. I don't know what the root of the problem between you is, but it really did help for Doug to see that I had good memories and that I shared the blame. And by telling him that I was still wanting the relationship helped lower the boiling point in the house alot because he felt he had already lost me!
Now it wasn't a magic bullet and we still did have fights, but it got us talking and it put us on the path to fixing our relationship.
I hope things work out for the best! *hugs*
Alee
The amazing one handed typist! One hand for typing, one hand to hold Nora!
http://home.test-afl.tulix.com/aleeandnora/ |
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hapyhrt
True Blue Farmgirl
129 Posts
USA
129 Posts |
Posted - Sep 29 2007 : 03:11:52 AM
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Hi, I might be way off base here but wanted to say that maybe your husband has a chemical imbalance? I've been married 27 years and didn't realize that my husband's outbursts and actions were a result of issues from his childhood, depression and a chemical imbalance.
He has been through some therapy and is on medication which has made all the difference in his personality. While there are times when he'll get upset easily, his actions are directed towards the actual issue of frustration and no longer just blamed on me. Truly, this has turned everything around for us and there is so much more love, respect and kindness in our marriage. Please don't blame yourself as I did for many years wondering what I was always doing wrong to "set him off", I walked on eggshells for a very long time before we found out what the real issues were and they started with his childhood and not with loving me.
I wish you much luck and hope that our experience can help you and your husband find a happier road ahead, good luck. |
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KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
Posted - Sep 29 2007 : 07:48:27 AM
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Alee--a letter is a great idea, in fact, for sometime, I kept a journal for that very purpose, but I never let him read it. Mostly just a way to get it off my chest.
I think at that time, I was sooo tired of being ridiculed that I didn't want to open any MORE of my thoughts and feelings up to him, so I just kept them to myself.
Sher--my husband was diagnosed at age 18 with adhd, after being placed in a boyshome for most of his teenage years. I've done some reasearch, and I do know that sometimes, these folks are misdiagnosed, and in fact suffer from a chemical imbalance. He does not take any medicine. He did have a terrible childhood with the cruelties of his parents divorce, then being put into the orphanage because they couldn't control him anymore. I've often thought that he needed therapy, or counselling, but when I suggest it, he says, "no thanks, had enough of that when I was young". I will say this--the more comfortable he has become around me, i.e., the realization that we are married, that I love him and I'll fight for our marriage, he seems to just let loose on me. Like I'm not going to go anywhere--like I can't because of our rings. He wasn't like this when we first married, but I also didn't know as much about him like I do now. He was VERY guarded, and now, on occasion, tells me things about himself, his life that wouldn't have come out before because I might get spooked. Nothing sadistic, just unfortunate feelings and things he's suffered. A lot of baggage, I guess I'd say.
We had a fairly good night, he was in a good humor, so I didn't want to jinx it by talking about things...This am, it's the same--up at 5:30 for whatever reason, grouchy and argumentative, now back asleep for several hours. Like I said, walking on eggshells.
It's such a beautiful day. Think of me and say a little "cheer" to keep me going, huh?
"She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian. |
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Phils Ann
True Blue Farmgirl
1095 Posts
Ann
Parsonsburg
Maryland
USA
1095 Posts |
Posted - Sep 29 2007 : 08:13:26 AM
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Sweet Jonni,
I am indeed cheering for you and your commitment to your marriage. I wish I had answers; I don't. However... I used to teach emotionally disturbed children and do know that his sense of being "protected" in you means he feels free to act out-- just as you said. My students were mostly taken from their parents due to extreme abuse. (as an aside, they were also mostly ADHD and learning disabled--made it very hard for them to function) The "experts" when I was teaching used to say it takes time and a lot of patient firmness for trust and healing to take place. It isn't an easy road, for sure. I'm praying for you, Jonni, as well as for your husband.
Ann
Sairy Hill Thicket
There is a Redeemer. |
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jo Thompson
True Blue Farmgirl
603 Posts
Jo
the mountainside of the Chugach
in Alaska
USA
603 Posts |
Posted - Sep 29 2007 : 10:00:37 AM
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Oh Jonni, this is so tough.......... I think we ALL have lots of baggage, maybe some more than others, but we all do. I learned to fight fair in this marriage (not in the other). I think being angry when you talk is the big one. I know with Paul I mostly talk about how I'm feeling instead of you.you.you. It seems to work better. That's the best place to start. One of our best conversations started out with, 'I'm feeling really lonely right now, I miss you even when I'm with you." He's probably feeling the same way, sometimes a big space grows and people think things that really aren't so.
The big thing I think about marriages is, you won't change someone......... you accept who they are or live your life without them. jo
"life is drab without a lab"
http://web.mac.com/thomja/ |
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CountryBorn
True Blue Farmgirl
1545 Posts
Mary Jane
New York
USA
1545 Posts |
Posted - Sep 29 2007 : 7:38:17 PM
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Jonni, I too am sorry that you are having such a bad time right now. From the sound of your husband's past behavior it seems this has become a pattern with him. I have to be honest and say, he sounds very troubled. Having ADHD I am sure doesn't help. But, he seems to blame everything on you or his bad circumstances, like see what you made me do, or it's other people's actions, or certain circumstances that "make" him react the way he does. Frankly he sounds like a couple of friends we have had and other family memebers. It is difficult because I can see that you love him. But, Jonni, no one is put here to be someone elses whipping board. (I know he doesn't hit you, I mean that figuratively). As long as you take it and allow him to take out his anger and frustration on you he will do it.I agree that walking away from him or even leaving the house when he starts that behavior is a good idea. I would recommend saying, when you calm down and can speak in a respectful tone,we can talk.I will not allow you to treat me like this. Spending time walking on egg shells is just another way of saying you are afraid "you" will set him off. Believe me Jonni, if they are in the mood for verbal abuse, they will find a way to use it on you or anyone else in the way. Had your mother ever seen his true colors before? If not it probably scared her. She shouldn't be running him down. But, it is hard to see your child being treated badly.I agree with many of the girls who said he needs counseling. If he won't go, then you go yourself.You need a professional's opinion on this. I know he had a rough childhood and that certainly can mess you up badly. But, there comes a time that you have to face it and move on from it and become the person you want to be, he does sound depressed and very angry(which can also be a big symptom of depression). He needs medical help I believe, I hope he gets it. But, if he does or doesn't, please take care of yourself.
Arguing and picking back will not change anything , you need to get some real answers as to what is going on. I hope I haven't over stepped my boundaries here. If I have please forgive me. But, I have had alot of experience with this behavior my entire life, it doesn't go away with a few well placed words. Plus, give it time and his verbal abuse will do much damage to you emtionally.
Prayers and Hugs to you,
Mary Jane
There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do. Freya Stark |
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KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
Posted - Sep 30 2007 : 11:52:31 AM
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I'm so blessed, all of you. I knew that if I posted my questions and my concerns, that I would get much needed, honest advice. I can't believe that there are women who I can talk to, who reach out and attempt to understand me and my situation, and offer assistance, both in ideas and in experience. It's tremendously humbling, and I want to thank each of you for saying what you have. It's all helpful, and I like to read (and reread) each of your posts. I have a certain sense of peace about me today, and I have made a conscious effort not to coddle him this weekend, and not to bait him OR take his bait. Seems to be working. Today he seems happy for whatever reason. Last night we went to some friends for supper and he was most weird around them, even though it was his suggestion we go there. On the way home, he seemed almost relieved to be with just me (which is WEIRD in light of our past exchanges), but we had a decent rest of the night, and it's continued into this day. I was dedicated to having a good Sunday for myself, doing things for me, that make me whole, and in turn have left him to his own devices, and though I wanted to suck both him and the computer up while I was vaccuming all around him, I never said a word, and he complimented and thanked me on the pretty living room.
Nice = Nice. I'm going to keep trying and see where we can get. When he isn't nice, I'll remove myself from the situation, especially if it's unwarranted. I do recall, when we didn't have the committment of marriage, that I was more apt to stop him in his maniupulation tracks, but once we were married, something changed in me--I guess I felt I had more to lose. Losing respect for yourself is a great deal disappointing, too.
Thanks just doesn't even say enough to you ladies.
Jonni
"She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian. |
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Utahfarmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
1940 Posts
Portland
Oregon
USA
1940 Posts |
Posted - Sep 30 2007 : 2:35:41 PM
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Sweetheart, try to remember why you loved him in the first place. No one can go through a childhood like he had without permanent scars. Nobody ever taught him how to love, certainly not unconditionally. To him, love and pain are mixed up. I would use Color Light therapy on him, surround him with pink light (pink is the color of the vibration of love) and at the sametime, speak to him as if he were with you and tell him how much he is loved, that nothing he could ever do would stop you from loving him, and that you will help him learn how to love back. Do this until your intuition tells you it's enough. Change the color of the light to blue (blue is the color of the vibration of peace and healing) and do the same thing, giving thanks for God's healing grace for him. It's true that you can't change people, but you will be offering him an alternative to the way he feels now, and who would refuse love and peace and healing?
Good luck!!
Farmgirl hug,
Patricia
check out my etsy site http://ThePlayfulFarmgirl.etsy.com
Take me home, country roads |
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nut4fabric
True Blue Farmgirl
885 Posts
Kathy
Morgan Hill
CA
USA
885 Posts |
Posted - Oct 01 2007 : 09:48:20 AM
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Hi I have to agree with Sher reading her post sounds like she has walked in my shoes, and it is what I was thinking about your husband before I read her post. My husband would be calm and nice and with the blink of an eye nasty and cruel, this went on for the first 16 years of our marriage at which time he was diagnosed as Bi-polar. Thankfully he likes himself better on his meds and takes them religously. He too had a rough childhood, parents divorce, loss of a sister, etc. We have been married 28 years now and I wouldn't trade him for the world.
Hugs and prayers, Kathy |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
Posted - Oct 01 2007 : 09:58:56 AM
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Jonni-
It sounds like you are on the path to get where you want to be. *hugs* You are an awesome person and you always have so much to share here! I hope things continue to get better for you, because you deserve it!
Alee
The amazing one handed typist! One hand for typing, one hand to hold Nora!
http://home.test-afl.tulix.com/aleeandnora/ |
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KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
Posted - Oct 01 2007 : 12:51:30 PM
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Sniff. You all are SO wonderful! I'm just going to take it day by day--that's all any of us can do, right?
Besides, just when I think my life is poo, I turn around, and there you all are, pulling for me, and cheering me on! Can't lose!
"She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian. |
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Cheryl
True Blue Farmgirl
919 Posts
Cheryl
Magalia
CA
USA
919 Posts |
Posted - Oct 09 2007 : 5:47:18 PM
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Hi Jonni, Just checking to see how you are doing and to let you know you are in my prayers.
Cheryl
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13 |
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KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
Posted - Oct 10 2007 : 07:01:13 AM
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Hey Cheryl...
Things have been alright around the house, I guess. We haven't yelled at each other, and have actually been quite friendly, but it's like...friends. Does that make sense? Maybe I'm just not satisfied with anything, but it feels like we're roommates, and I guess for now that's alright. Maybe we have to both learn to like and trust one another again...
Thank you for thinking and asking about me. I'm just taking it one day at a time, and trying not to read too much into anything.
"She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian. |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
Posted - Oct 10 2007 : 09:03:21 AM
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Jonni-
How long have you been with this guy? I just was wondering because Doug and I have been together 7-8 years and you are describing exactly how I have felt in the past with Doug! After we got done with fighting all the time, there was a period where it felt like we were more friends than anything else. At first I thought it was the ending of our relationship, but then as time passed, I realized it was us healing and re-connecting with each other. All that horrible fighting had torn us apart. I guess, looking back, it makes sense. We were friends first, and our love grew out of being friends. And now we are happy, in love, AND friends.
If you feel like you still want to make it work, stick with it and give it time. *hugs*
Alee
The amazing one handed typist! One hand for typing, one hand to hold Nora!
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KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
Posted - Oct 10 2007 : 09:17:44 AM
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Alee, it's been the exact same amount of time that you and Doug have been together. Ironic--and I guess I'm glad to feel that you have felt the same way in your relationship. There is an awful lot of jockeying around, and getting used to one another, even after so many years. People constantly evolve, right, so it would make sense that you have to get used to new things now and again.
I have to admit, Alee, I thought (think) it signals the end, too, simply because we should be affectionate, and attentive and all those others things to each other PLUS loving, but right now, it's just not there. I think you may be right about this.
J
"She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian. |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
Posted - Oct 10 2007 : 11:09:44 AM
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Jonni-
Another friend and I were talking about this a few months ago. It seems like there is somewhat a natural progression to relationships. She and another friend of hers had been in relationships and marriage for about the same time, and it seemed that whenever one was having a problem, sure enough the other one wasn't too far behind in having the same issue.
I hope that the fact that Doug and I have resolved our problems and are, if anything, happier than ever, gives you some hope! I hope you two are able to find what is best for your both, whatever makes you happiest.
I think after so much fighting you have to re-learn that other person and give each other the space to accept each other as you are now, not what you were like almost a decade before. *hugs* I know this isn't the most comfortable time, and I don't know what the road before us holds, but I can't help but feeling like it is going to get better and better as we go along.
Alee
The amazing one handed typist! One hand for typing, one hand to hold Nora!
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kitchensqueen
True Blue Farmgirl
521 Posts
521 Posts |
Posted - Oct 10 2007 : 5:12:53 PM
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Jonni-- this will work out. My husband and I (of just over two years) go through times when it seems like nothing is going right between us. Alee is right-- it's about reconnecting and relearning each other. I think sometimes we have a tendency to feel like if everything isn't going perfectly smooth and the "romance factor" isn't on full throttle, things are doomed. I especially feel this way sometimes because my parents divorced when I was five, and marriages in my family were fraught with major issues, so I never saw a positive marriage where the couple stayed together and grew together. But honestly, good marriages take work. And it's hard work. And sometimes you won't feel like you are both on the same page about the amount and type of work that needs to go into it-- but as long as you FEEL (and you have to listen to your instincts and your heart) that you are a strong woman and giving your all, and that it's worth it and you love each other, it will work out. And the reconnecting out of the struggles is when you realize you are stronger and you can do anything. So the struggles get easier to work through together.
No matter what, listen to what your heart tells you.
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KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
Posted - Oct 12 2007 : 05:53:01 AM
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You're right, Amanda...as intelligent as I am, I DO think that when things aren't perfectly romantic or going smoothly, that we must be headed for D-I-V-O-R-C-E. I'm not a total doomsayer...I do remember working at Macy's, in the bridal registry, scoffing at what these companies "shovelled" to these soon-to-be-wed couples. "If you register for 12 place settings of this Waterford china, your life will be as perfect, disease free,romantic, full of riches and you'll live happily ever after, as this couple, who we put together just today, specifically for this advert."
I would think to myself, "noone's life is like this, especially married people."
I think we need to start again, if we can--remember what it's like to be nice to one another, and to stop picking those old wounds, -to address things as they come, instead of two years later. I guess as much as he needs to remember why we're married, I do as well.
Thanks again, girls!
"She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian. |
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ktknits
True Blue Farmgirl
582 Posts
Kathy
Northwest Indiana
USA
582 Posts |
Posted - Oct 12 2007 : 06:03:45 AM
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......and just for the record, I can tell you that afte 30 years of marriage, you still go through good times and not so good times. Just remember, you wouldn't do this with someone you didn't love! Love, patience, understanding, respect, hard work, mindreading, giving, prayers, prayers and sometimes more prayers are all very important to keeping it all together (or at least attempting to keep it all togther!!)
http://ktknits.blogspot.com |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
Posted - Oct 12 2007 : 09:35:01 AM
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*Farmgirl Hugs* Hey Jonni-
I am hoping things are getting better for you! I know it is a slow process, but I hope each day is just a little better than the last. *hugs*
Alee
The amazing one handed typist! One hand for typing, one hand to hold Nora!
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Family Matters: Changing disrespect in your marriage |
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Changing disrespect in your marriage
