| Author |
Family Matters:  Changing disrespect in your marriage  |
|
shawna
True Blue Farmgirl
241 Posts
missouri (north)
241 Posts |
 Posted - Oct 12 2007 : 10:57:08 AM
|
oh Jonni I feel for you and the "season" you are going through, but think of it as a season, you CAN get through and learn how to go through it better when the storm seems to be coming again. I have not been marr. for YEARS, just 8 this Dec. but we have been through the worst storms that a marr. can go through (besides bad health or death). We made it through and you two will to, if you want to. (and yes i know the thinking you may not want to get throughit) So anyway I have sooo much I could tell you that will help. I recently got the BEST book for help, next to the bible- but this comes from the bible so it's good. Also you know it's good if it makes you almost mad when you read it. Name-- Created to be His HELP MEET by Debi Pearl(go to www.createdtobehishelpmeet.org) for more info- you can not get this book in stores, it's that special. I don't even know were to start. I'll start with a hug, if you were here with me I would listen, as I have done, I might cry, as I felt like doing, and next hug you and tell you now lets get it together! Friend to Friend you must listen! this is so heading toward an end. You have good reason too. He sounds like he is being nasty, and nobody should live like that and he should know right, If he has lived with people who didn't show love, he should know how that feels and not put someone he loves through the same bad and unloved feelings. (I know this what I would be thinking,) so you would more than likely get support from those who love you. Your mom even saw him being a jerk, Wow, that hurts doesn't it. ORRRR (before everyone starts sending me hate mail, Ha!) You could just love him. My heart breaks when I hear what You said he has been through. You know how sad the things are that he has told you, just think how sad the parts he hasn't told you are. He has opened his guts to you. Wow, I know from my life that that is hard to do. And you might now understand why he doesn't want to talk to an educated person about this, well I'll bet he doesn't feel like they did him much good before, why would it be diff. now, besided we all know men mostly don't like to talk. Which brings me to his morning rage. Who knows why he acts like he does (and I'm not saying it's right or easy to deal with)but that's just it. You don't know and he doesn't feel like talking about it I'm sure. Maybe he doesn't sleep well or has bothersome dreams. (just maybe) Anyway as hard as it may be try to be a little extra kind or gentle during those times. It's like a child who gets nasty about the same time each day. We have to learn how to curve this. And since you can't spank him and send him to bed (although that might help too! ha ha ) just let him know by the way you act that you still love him. And about your mother, well we do love our mothers but lets face it sometimes they really just need to stay out of things. I'm sure he feels like as *ss(even if he won't say he was wrong) for acting like that in front of someone else. Men want to look good in front of others, like they are protecting us, not acting in a way that needs protecting from. Anyway it's most important that you don't let your mom talk him down. This can really make it hard for you to hold him up in your thoughts. Go ahead and make a point to talk about what he is doing good at and maybe do it when he can hear you. Mothers mean well, but they need to be careful.
I know it's hard but try to be cheerful. It really will make a diff. don't just let your self get through the day, do it with a cheerful heart. Smile even if he doesn't return it. Smile to him and even though the car didn't work, smile to the people around you. Let him see you have joy in your heart, this is something he might not have had when he was younger. and wow! when you see that one can have joy while having a bad morning, this can move mountains!!!
Last thing I will say for now, pray for him. Start just in your heart, later when he doesn't seem to sensitive let him know you are praying for his day. We are to build our husbands up, Isn't that funny, they have the strentgh and we are to build em up! Yes yes you can, let him know what he did that day that you liked or helped you out. Don't just think about what you USE to like about him, think about what he did that day! Build up his ego- I'll bet his mother didn't do that- and that is sad, but you can love him and let him know it. These things will make a diff. in his life and yours too.
I really hope you can get the strenght to hold him up, let God hold you up and give you strength so you can give strenght to your husband. Be his helper. he will love you for it. I hope you understand I want the best for you two. After coming so close to the end in my marriage a couple of times in the past I know the heart break you feel, but Not making it work I think is heartbreaking the most. my love to you
xoxo s.r. |
 |
|
|
shawna
True Blue Farmgirl
241 Posts
missouri (north)
241 Posts |
Posted - Oct 13 2007 : 10:06:07 AM
|
Jonni-I just wanted you to know that you and husband are in my thoughts. I hope you two are having a nice if not joyable Sat.
xoxo s.r. |
|
|
|
Nin
True Blue Farmgirl
106 Posts
Enjoyng life in the world of Peachy Hollow
106 Posts |
Posted - Oct 16 2007 : 4:58:11 PM
|
Wow, marriage sounds hard. I got married two and a half months ago, I hope we don't end up hating each other, but I'm sure there will be times when we will.
Forgive me for sticking in my oar, but your husband sounds like he is being really REALLY nasty to you. Do you yell back at him, or take it when he gives it? If he knows that he can get away with being such a bully to you, then he's only going to do it more. No other human being on this planet has the right to make you unhappy and cry, it's a violation of our individual human rights. Every person deserves to be treated with respect. I hope he realises the error of his ways before there's too much damage done for proper healing.
Follow your gut feeling, and watch out for yourself in the process. Don't accept the blame for things that aren't your fault, that's all I'm saying.
www.peachyhollow.com
 |
|
|
|
KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
Posted - Oct 17 2007 : 07:33:21 AM
|
Thanks, girls...Nin and Shawna, I'm always open to other ideas, so thanks for taking the time to post. Marriage IS work...I don't know that we hate each other, I think after you live together for sometime, some things are worth fighting about, and others aren't and you have to be able to let the "are not's" go--if you don't, there's a lot of pent up frustration left and it forces a wedge. Everyone's triggers are different.
Things have been going better the last week or so, though I honestly can't say what the ticket is--don't know why things are going better, but I feel like I should just roll with it!
I did spend a long day away from him on Saturday, and on Sunday, spent time doing my stuff--cleaning, and knitting, and he did his. Seemed like we were "closer" that way. He's been affectionate, and hasn't been nasty, and he's been talkative--like I'm his partner (and friend) again. Now, that's not to say this will last, and he does have a tendency to blame others for his actions and feelings.
Yesterday, he had a particularly trying day at work, and what would normally be a hostil/or hostilly silent ride home (directed at me) was surprisingly constructive--I told him he could talk about it if he wanted, and I listened instead of chiming in with solutions and opinions. His boss, I think, is the female version of him and for some reason, yesterday, he noted that it isn't the right way to be...
So, I'm gonna try to keep this "trend" going. He was fine a few minutes after we arrived home, thanked me for doing the dishes (what?), and seemed to actually appreciate being home for a change.
"She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian. |
|
|
|
Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
Posted - Oct 17 2007 : 07:55:04 AM
|
Jonni thats wonderful! *hugs* Sometimes you have to wonder if there is some sort of guy PMS or something. 
Alee
The amazing one handed typist! One hand for typing, one hand to hold Nora!
|
|
|
|
KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
Posted - Oct 17 2007 : 07:59:12 AM
|
Amen, Sistah!
"She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian. |
|
|
|
Nin
True Blue Farmgirl
106 Posts
Enjoyng life in the world of Peachy Hollow
106 Posts |
Posted - Oct 17 2007 : 08:37:38 AM
|
Ooh, I'm glad to hear that things are getting a bit better. I hope the upward trend continues.
*hugs*
www.peachyhollow.com
|
|
|
|
Family Matters: Changing disrespect in your marriage |
|
|
|
Changing disrespect in your marriage
