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A Farm of My Own:  What if your husband doesn't share the dream?  |
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Past Blessings
True Blue Farmgirl
1083 Posts
Brenda
Orchard Prairie
WA
USA
1083 Posts |
 Posted - Feb 28 2007 : 9:03:48 PM
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I have become so obsessed about moving to the country and getting acreage and a barn. I love the Palouse, but I am realizing that DH just isn't nearly as on board. He seems to view it all as being for the kids since they go to school out their and says, "But what about when they all graduate." In his mind that would end the reason for being there. But for me it is a dream of a life of quiet and peace and simplicity. We spend a minimum of 2 hours each day and more often 3 when the kids do sports, driving out there and also to the borrowed property out there that we have pigs on. So to me, it just makes more sense if we just moved there. His big goal is to pay off our house in 6 years and is afraid of taking on a bigger mortgage. I do understand this and really have tried to search for cheaper places, but then they are fixer uppers and he gets stressed about that. I am not wanting a nicer home . . . ours is a nice daylight rancher in a Spokane Valley suburb, but I just want out of the suburb. I would take a lesser home. I just crave for the country. Do any of you have dreams of the country that aren't shared with your husband? It is just so frustrating. I want it so bad, but I also want to consider my husbands feelings. He is a great guy and I know he is simply trying to be "wise". Just would like to hear others thoughts. Thanks! Brenda
Past Blessings . . . Celebrating Life as it used to be . . . when people loved God, loved their families and loved their country. |
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GaiasRose
True Blue Farmgirl
2552 Posts
Tasha-Rose
St. Paul
Minnesota
2552 Posts |
Posted - Feb 28 2007 : 9:12:26 PM
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I would present it to him in a time management sort of way, since you said it takes so long to get out there, etc. show him how much time you would be saving. Doe she work near to where you live now or is it about equidistant from either place? Figure that out to show to him which may be easier (provided it jives with your desire to move, kwim?) I think it is something you need to explore with him in terms of feelings, WHY he may not want to be out there. thing slike that. I will probably have a better answer tomorrow after I sleep a little ;)
~*~Brightest Blessings~*~
Tasha-Rose
Blogs: http://gaiarose.wordpress.com
http://frugalwitch.wordpress.com
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Homepage: http://mysticwoodsfarm.com
http://gaiasrose.etsy.com
Birth is safe, interference is risky; TRUST BIRTH |
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goneriding
True Blue Farmgirl
1599 Posts
Winona
Central Oregon
USA
1599 Posts |
Posted - Feb 28 2007 : 9:40:58 PM
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My first thought was why does he NOT want to move there permanently, after the kiddos are gone. Is he afraid of getting ill and not beign able to access medical care?? Or too isolated for him and he's a social butterfly?? My hubby is uber social and I'm the 'keep to myself' type and it would kill him to move too far out, as far out as I would like. I could deal with living on the mountaintops. So we compromise and he can drink coffee and shoot the bull with the guys and I get my peace and quiet. In the truckstops, he's inside swapping lies and I rarely get out of the truck to socialize.
Come to think of it, why do such opposites attract??? Question for the ages!!
Happy Trails :-)
Don't sweat the small stuff...
http://goneridingagain.bravehost.com |
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Past Blessings
True Blue Farmgirl
1083 Posts
Brenda
Orchard Prairie
WA
USA
1083 Posts |
Posted - Feb 28 2007 : 10:12:49 PM
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Tasha,
Thanks for the ideas, but yes, I have discussed the time saving issues but it doesn't seem to have much weight. I honestly think his biggest issue is being near our church. I do understand that, but we go there two times a week, so to me I'd rather drive farther there twice a week then the other drives. I would be happy with acreage in Peone Prairie too, which is much closer to church, but also twice as expensive, so truly not an option. Plus, we would still have lots of driving. I adore the school we put our kids in (Freeman) but it would be so nice to be a part of that community. Sigh. I too wonder why opposites attract . . . I guess we keep each other balanced.
Brenda
Past Blessings . . . Celebrating Life as it used to be . . . when people loved God, loved their families and loved their country. |
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westernhorse51
True Blue Farmgirl
1681 Posts
michele
farmingdale
n.j.
USA
1681 Posts |
Posted - Mar 01 2007 : 05:10:03 AM
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Brenda, thats a hard one. It isn't easy when you both want different things. Ed (my hubby) always said he could live anywhere & it was true. He'd go anywhere I wanted. But now since health problems he is nervous about being too far out in the country. We try to compromise. I've changed my hopes & dreams so many times to fit our lives but that doesn't work. I know at this point I'll probably never have a "big" farm but I can make do on a much smaller scale. In Farmingdale, N.J. where I live most of the farms are 2 to 10 acres now but they are farms. I buy my eggs down the road where my "egg lady" has 1 1/2 acres w/ about 15 chickens that roam free on her property. It's great. I buy my veggies that I can't grow down the road at a small organic farm & they have 7 acres. So I don't think size has to be everything. You can make it work on a much smaller scale & it doesn't have to be very far out in the country, JUST FAR ENOUGH! I know thats what I'll have to do, but it's ok cause you both still get s/thing you need & want. Hope that helps a bit.
she selects wool and flax and works with eager hands Prov.31:13 |
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happymama58
True Blue Farmgirl
1210 Posts
Patti
Missouri
USA
1210 Posts |
Posted - Mar 01 2007 : 05:53:16 AM
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I have always had a dream to live a certain place (on the Eastern seaboard in a very small town) and my husband does not share that dream, so I have a feeling of what you're going through. Here are my personal thoughts on it, not meant to mean they should be your thoughts. It sounds like you already do these things, but I thought I'd share anyway. 
My dh doesn't have to share my dream, simple as that. We're two different people, with some shared dreams and some not shared. That doesn't make him wrong, nor does it change the deep love I have for him. DH also has dreams that aren't mine, and that's wonderful. We have many things in common, but our differences (even in dreams & goals) have added color and interest to our marriage. My dh's dreams are as important in this marriage as mine, even when they are the polar opposite of mine. *Period*
I've come to realize that I will probably never have my dream. Sometimes I feel a bit blue about it, but overall that's okay. Not all dreams are meant to be reality. I think our culture has taught us that we're "entitled" to our dreams or that ultimately we're supposed to have them, but I just don't think that's true. Some dreams are never realized.
I've heard women say, "Well, why should I have to compromise and not him?" Of course he compromises. But sometimes, when we don't want to recognize it, all we see are the compromises we make, and we ignore what the other person does. It makes us feel better, maybe more self-righteous, I don't know. I learned about 10 years ago that I had 20/20 vision when I saw ways I "gave in", but I was really short-sighted at seeing the sacrifices my dh made. I don't even remember what happened, but one day a little voice in my head said (when I was fuming to myself about what-all *I* do), "Yes, but what about ______ and ______ and ______?" And I tried to ignore that voice but finally listened.
Now, enough about me. Here's my advice to you. Don't give up on your dream, BUT . . .
1. Live your dream in ways you can where you can
2. Learn what your dh's dreams are. Men are usually bad about talking about this kind of thing, but don't just listen to what he says. Watch what makes his eyes light up, what he tends to spend his time doing, etc., etc.
3. See if there are ways you can show him that both of your dreams can come true in at least little ways
Yep, it sounds like you're doing all the work, but I just don't think a marriage is always equal. Sometimes I work harder at keeping it going, and sometimes it's dh's turn.
Okay, I've sounded preachy again this morning, but I thought I'd share. I'll be thinking of you! By the way, I got a true sense of love and respect for your husband in what you wrote, and I truly believe that is the key!!
Some people search for happiness; others create it.
http://happymama58.typepad.com/my_weblog/
Please visit me at www.marykay.com/pmiinch |
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Amie C.
True Blue Farmgirl
2099 Posts
Finger Lakes Region
NY
2099 Posts |
Posted - Mar 01 2007 : 06:06:40 AM
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There's a lot to think about here. I've been mentioning to my husband for years that I want to try living in the country, and he's always reacted with horror. His parents both grew up in rural poverty, and that's his image of the country - dirt floors, junked cars, no hope, no opportunity. I think he's coming around slowly, as he gets further away from his upbringing. Meanwhile, though, we're getting older. We both have back problems, we don't have the money to afford the comforts that make life easier. And I see all the health issues his parents have had as they get older (they are older than my parents). I can't imagine having to drive for hours to get your doctor when you are sick and have multiple appointments every week.
Even with the problems of living in the city, it has some real advantages. I don't want a long commute to get to work and go to the store. I feel so much safer with neighbors nearby who would notice if something bad was happening at my house. Another thing I've been thinking about recently is access to woodlands and hiking trails. Land in the country looks like open space, but it all belongs to someone. There aren't really any sidewalks to speak of either. As we drive through the countryside in our area, I've been noticing that the only place to walk is on the shoulder of busy, twisting roads. By the time my husband comes around and says, "OK, let's look for land in the country", I may have changed my mind about it!
This is a little off topic, but one option I'm thinking about is moving to a different part of the city I live in. There are neighborhoods where many houses have been abandoned, and the city is starting to get proactive about demolishing them. If we could buy a house and also the vacant lot next door, that would give me the space I've been wanting for a garden and maybe even a few chickens. As everyone (around here at least), moves out to the suburbs and turns farmland into subdivisions, maybe the abandoned city will become the new country!
Sorry to ramble on so long, city vs. country is a question that keeps me up at night... |
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Libbie
Farmgirl Connection Cultivator
3579 Posts
Anne E.
Elsinore
Utah
USA
3579 Posts |
Posted - Mar 01 2007 : 08:24:09 AM
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I love, love, LOVE the idea of a "farmette" in a semi-abandoned area of the city. What a wonderful way to improve many lives - yours and those in the area - by bringing an element of "farmgirl-ness!" "Farmgirl" truly IS a "condition of the heart," and I just love to hear about urban farmgirls as well as rural ones...
XOXO, Libbie
"Nothing is worth more than this day." - Goethe |
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Past Blessings
True Blue Farmgirl
1083 Posts
Brenda
Orchard Prairie
WA
USA
1083 Posts |
Posted - Mar 01 2007 : 10:06:35 AM
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I have actually thought of the city farmette, but have yet to find what or where would work around here. There is very little city acreage . . . I don't want much . . . 1 1/2 to 5 acres is plenty . . . but for the most part if it is in the city area it is divided into lots for housing projects. There are a few existing in Spokane, but none for sale. I hve also been researching a new angle . . . looking for abandoned properties, calling the county to find who owns it and then you can make an offer to purchase. A friend of mine did that and got a great piece of property with a well, electricity and a great barn. Her husband is a builder so he is building her the house of her dreams. There is one little old place I have found that I am going to research. Not even sure how to call the county yet because I have no idea of an address. It is set on a hill off the roads and I have no idea which road is officially for it. If there ever was a driveway for it, it has long since overgrown. This place has been empty for forever. But then, that gets us back to the fixer upper issue. I love that, but DH is burned out on it . . . poor guy has done too many of them.
As for his dreams, yes, I do want him to pursue his dreams. He is a drummer and drums for lots of fun events. He was recently at the Lionel Hampton Jazz Fest in Moscow (yes, by MaryJane and yes, I was jealous . . . LOL!) and I know he has a dream of our Real Estate Guide eventually being his career full time, so I am very supportive about that. He is very social and loves people, so maybe he fears the country won't have enough of that, but I think it is the opposite. Our neighborhood is full of double income families with no time to nieghbor, though we have tried to no avail. I truly think he would love rural living and getting to know the people in the rural communities. It is just a matter of convincing him! LOL! He is one who does not jump quickly into big decisions . . . which I truly admire, as I am sure I would have gotten us into a few disasters with my "jump first, look later" personality. But, all the moves we have made have been at my prodding. I think we would still be in our little apartment we were in as newlyweds had I not pushed him to buy our first home. I guess I'm a leaper and he's an oak tree . . . now if we could just find a middle ground and move forward, but at a pace that he was comfortable with.
But, I need to remember, I am blessed. Our home is nice, we at least are able to borrow land for the kids to raise pigs for 4-H (plus the other 19 DH bought to sell for butcher . . . and he's not a country boy?!! LOL!) and our kids are at least able to experience the wonderful school out there. Our bills are paid and needs are met. Maybe I just need to bloom where I am planted . . . and yet it is so hard not to yearn for the country. I can have arguments with myself about this all day! LOL!
Thanks for letting me talk this out. I am certainly not angry with my husband. I am so blessed by him each day! He is the best! It is just hard when dreams don't necessarily match that of your spouse. Just need to spend some time being quiet and praying for guidance on this. I do believe dreams are there for a reason . . . but I don't know if that means they are always meant to be answered. Still pondering that . . .
Love you girls! So nice to be able to ramble and have you still understand!
Brenda
Past Blessings . . . Celebrating Life as it used to be . . . when people loved God, loved their families and loved their country. |
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happymama58
True Blue Farmgirl
1210 Posts
Patti
Missouri
USA
1210 Posts |
Posted - Mar 01 2007 : 10:43:44 AM
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Brenda, it sounds like you have your priorities in order and truly are "wise". It also sounds as if you, like me, reason things out through talking/writing through it with other people. I'm glad you did come here because it's given me some things to think about today. For me, that's one of the things about these forums that I cherish. Many, many times I don't respond to a thread because:
a) I have nothing new or different to contribute and don't want to take up bandwidth just to say "I agree"
b) I really have to mull it over awhile first
c) By the time I mull it over (I can be really slow ), the discussion is old and I hesitate to bring it back up
Anyway, your post really made me think today -- thank you!!
Some people search for happiness; others create it.
http://happymama58.typepad.com/my_weblog/
Please visit me at www.marykay.com/pmiinch |
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shelle
True Blue Farmgirl
404 Posts
Shelle
oklahoma
USA
404 Posts |
Posted - Mar 01 2007 : 10:45:25 AM
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Brenda,
I grew up in the country but just past the edge of town about a mile. Over the years we raised pigs, rabbits, chickens, a few cows,ducks and geese. I enjoyed that lifestyle growing up and always wanted to live out in the country and raise my family. However we have always lived in town the whole 25 yrs we have been married. Hubby had reservations about living in the country and he was always pointing out why it wasnt for us. Once I remember a rural family nearby were held hostage for several hours by some teenagers who had stolen a car and it ran out of gas and they saw their lights from the highway. DH said see if we lived in the country stuff like that could happen to us. He always had a reason not to move out in the country: The kids wont have other kids to socialize with close by. You have to drive miles to get a loaf of bread or medication from the store. What happens if one of the kids get hurt and on and on.
I pretty much had decided that living in the country was not going to happen for us. My kids are grown and we live in a nice house in a small town of about 1200 people. Its a farm community and we really like it here. The people here are very nice and we have lots of ties to the town. We have a church family here that is very important to us.
Well last summer things changed suddenly for us. Hubby (42 at the time) had 3 heart attacks and nearly died. Suddenly it was he that wanted to move to the country to get away from town life. He wasnt able to return to the job he had for 25 yrs and resigned as mayor also due to his health so he transfered to an office position in another town.
I am thrilled that he finally wants to do this. I am still amazed at the sudden change of mind on his part. Part of his reason is to be near to my family .....particularly my brother who he is good friends with and my parents. All of whom live within a couple of acres of our property there. The peace and quiet and slower lifestyle is something he craves now too. The only thing I am worried about is that we are 9 miles from town (and EMS) but we are 9 miles closer to the town where the hospital is located that saved his life several times. I have already talked to the local EMS crew about how to find our house when we move out there. Another disadvantage is that I will have to drive 30 miles to work instead of 5 blocks. Hubby now drives close to 40 miles to work instead of 6 blocks.
The point I am trying to get across to you is not to totally give up on your dream. Like Patti said live your dream in ways you can whether it is a small garden in the back yard or making a quilt to enter in the county fair or whatever. Things can change in ways that you cant even imagine. Hopefully not the way it happened for me. I wouldnt wish that on anyone. 
Shelle
http://janzenfamilyjournal.blogspot.com/ |
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Amie C.
True Blue Farmgirl
2099 Posts
Finger Lakes Region
NY
2099 Posts |
Posted - Mar 01 2007 : 10:46:22 AM
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Brenda, I don't know about your specific area, but when we were looking for houses here we found at least two houses in older suburbs which had 1-3 acres of yard. For whatever reason, they had odd lot sizes. One was an old farmhouse that had retained 3 acres when subdivisions grew up around it (the lot was triangular between two roads). The other was in a neighborhood that backed up to the expressway, so they did not have any neighbors behind (this place was the family home of a coworker, and his parents used to have a huge garden and chickens). Both of these were a little bit out of our income bracket, but they were definitely good bargains for the area. Keep looking, there may be places like this in your area.
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Past Blessings
True Blue Farmgirl
1083 Posts
Brenda
Orchard Prairie
WA
USA
1083 Posts |
Posted - Mar 01 2007 : 11:02:34 AM
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Thanks everyone. I appreciate the love, support and ideas. I think the key is to keep my heart and mind open and let God take care of the rest. If we are supposed to be in the country, it will work out and it will work out with DH on board too. I wouldn't want it, if he wasn't happy. I will continue to check out all options and then if the time comes great, but in the meantime I need to embrace the life God has given me . . . maybe a few warts here and there, but wonderful overall!
Hugs and blessings!
Brenda
Past Blessings . . . Celebrating Life as it used to be . . . when people loved God, loved their families and loved their country. |
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Tracey
True Blue Farmgirl
766 Posts
Tracey
State of Confusion
USA
766 Posts |
Posted - Mar 01 2007 : 12:20:29 PM
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Brenda, this is a subject at my house which truly has the ability to turn me bitter, unfortunately. I want to be somewhere that I'm not bound by county restrictions (we're inside a watershed with the dang blasted creek running through the property) while City Boy would prefer living...well, in the city! His major complaint is that he has to do all the work around the place. His other major complaint is that I've 'taken' his lawn and turned it into pasture. I'm ready to pop,personally, as he still has half an acre in lawn, and if the two acre pasture were lawn, he'd have more work to do than he does now. I personally think he was just born to complain. 
So my advice to you is just do what you said...wait on God and keep a positive outlook. It's hard when your heart is pulling you one way and you husband is pulling another...
Visit Quiet Storm, our adopted Mustang! http://wildaboutquietstorm.com
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kitchensqueen
True Blue Farmgirl
521 Posts
521 Posts |
Posted - Mar 01 2007 : 1:27:56 PM
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I guess I have a similar situation. I married a bonified city boy, and I knew that when I met him, so I can't fault him over it. I've been a city girl myself over the nearly the last 7 years of my life, but I find as I get older I just want to find a sleepy town in the middle of nowhere and get a huge farm nearby, but that's just not going to happen. So we're trying to compromise-- he's agreed to a farmette of no more than 10 acres (but ideally, to him, less than 5), which has to be relatively close (no more than about 2 hours drive) to a large urban center. He's agreed to small livestock and me getting into market gardening as a profession, but it's clear that this will be my responsibility, as he has next to no interest in professional farming. Everyone has already given some great advice in general. We feel like we can make a good compromise and both still get what we need/want (provided we can find affordable land), but are we being naive? Do we need a reality check?
http://apartmentfarm.wordpress.com
Opening in March 2007:
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
Posted - Mar 01 2007 : 1:33:41 PM
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Wow!!! How timely is this conversation and I look for advice on this as well. We were planning to move to Texas is 2 years after my DH's time in the Navy is up. Well, long story short, over the past week, things have changed on the family/personal front. Now, I am wanting to move back home to CT after DH is done, at least for awhile, due to family issues. Then, if we either really hate it there or just because we want to, go to Texas. I broke this news to DH and I can't tell if he is fuming or just thinking- he is being really quiet. My take is that life gives you an opportunity, you should take it even if you had everything all worked out.
I compromised to stay here an extra year and a half for the military, so I think somehow it is getting balanced out by this opportunity. HMMMM!!! It is so hard..... |
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therusticcottage
True Blue Farmgirl
4439 Posts
Kay
Vancouver
WA
USA
4439 Posts |
Posted - Mar 01 2007 : 6:22:18 PM
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Brenda -- do you drive your children to school in Freeman but live somewhere else? How old are your children and how much longer do they have in school? I would think that being close to where the kids go to school so you don't have the expense and time of the drive would be a wiser choice.
I love being in the country. I was raised an "in town" kid in a small farming community in IL. But lots of my friends lived on farms and I spent lots of time with them. When I moved out to WA 22 years ago I thought Vancouver was so busy! I stood it for 20 years and the congestion, traffic, and constant building really got to me. Two years ago we moved to 5 acres in La Center and I'll never go back. I had to fight my husband tooth and nail to get him to move me out here (I wouldn't advise that but I was determined). We did the move mostly because the schools are so good. He's a city boy all the way and would be just as happy in an apartment. He doesn't like to do anything but play on the computer.
I am now in the process (this weekend) of moving my daughter and myself to an adorable little cottage on a 1/2 acre above La Center. I was up there this AM waiting for the phone guy to install my phone. It has been snowing off and on here for a couple of days. My new house is at about 200 ft and the snow was falling gently, the pine trees were blanketed -- it was so quiet and peaceful. I just sat in the chair with my coffee and watched the snow.
I hope that you get to move if that is what God wants for you. I will be praying for that!
The Rustic Cottage Etsy Shop http://therusticcottage.etsy.com |
Edited by - therusticcottage on Mar 01 2007 6:23:02 PM |
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mommom
True Blue Farmgirl
854 Posts
Susan
Lancaster
Pennsylvania
USA
854 Posts |
Posted - Mar 02 2007 : 2:25:33 PM
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| I have learned to be content no matter where I am! Susan |
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Photobugs
True Blue Farmgirl
363 Posts
Pamela
Post Falls
Idaho
USA
363 Posts |
Posted - Mar 03 2007 : 10:14:49 AM
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I have my dreams too...but as I age I do realize they may never happen. I do have a good life and considering how most people of the world live I am truly blessed. Things do change...case in point. I have wanted my hubby to build furniture to sell. Well, he did not have a shop until recently that was big enough for such things. How he got the shop was an unexpected series of events in itself. Plus he would say, "The time it takes me to build a shelf I could do a job and make a lot more money." This is true. So building furniture was not profitable. But now that he has a shop and wants to diddle in it he is busy as a bee making the cutest wall cupboards with the doors being old windows. BTW, we will have these for sale at Brenda's Past Blessings Show in May.
But it took a series of events and patience for this to happen. I am no longer 'buggin' him to build furniture...he is doing it all on his own!
Will wonders never cease!
The one bad thing is that he loves his shop and it is not here at our house. It is behind the house we moved his parents into. So he is gone way up into the evening sometimes piddling away. But he has refinished some furniture for me that has been sitting around here for years waiting for his touch. So I cannot complain!
I think for us when we are not on the same page...it comes down to money. Do we have the resources to do what I want? Property values have skyrocketed here, so our home is worth alot more...but then finding the home I want will be more too...and in some cases ALOT more money than we pay now for the same or less square footage. The home we are in was great when we moved in here, we had four kids, it is close to schools and had enough bedrooms for all of us. Now that the kids are gone...well, my studio has grown and I now need more space for that than for kids. But the Lord knows my heart and for whatever reason He has not shown us a direct move to another location. My hubby knows what I want and we do watch the market and have an agent/fiend watching for us as well. So all in due time...I am 53 and realize that as time goes by the years I might be able to enjoy my "dream" home as fewer and fewer. Oh well...I know that my heavenly home is waiting for me and it will be a mansion...so I think I can wait a little longer.
I have learned to "Bloom where I am planted."
Pamela
http://homesteadmercantile.blogspot.com/ |
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Past Blessings
True Blue Farmgirl
1083 Posts
Brenda
Orchard Prairie
WA
USA
1083 Posts |
Posted - Mar 08 2007 : 09:43:40 AM
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Kay, yes we live in Northwoods in the Spokane Valley and drive them to Freeman, because we love that school. It is 30 minutes each direction and because of sporting events, we end up doing 3 round trip drives most days (3 hours!) Also, the pigs are out there on borrowed land, so we go out there to take care of them.
I am trying to learn to bloom where I am planted . . . sometimes I end up having arguments with myself. On the one hand I love my family and have many wonderful things in my life to make me content . . . but then there is the unfullfilled dream. And then, again, I ask myself, "Are all dreams meant to be fullfilled?" I truly don't know, so I will just trust God for that answer. Thanks for all the thoughts and insights . . . it is nice to see others ideas and perspectives.
Hugs and blessings!
Brenda
Past Blessings . . . Celebrating Life as it used to be . . . when people loved God, loved their families and loved their country. |
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Buttercup
True Blue Farmgirl
1433 Posts
Talitha
Vermont
USA
1433 Posts |
Posted - Mar 08 2007 : 9:48:55 PM
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What a subject!
DH and I are very different in this as well. However, though I can be happy where ever I am, it does not change where I want to be. Dreams are wonderful and incredible and to me are the wind that lifts me through life. My Dh wants to work a good job and provide well for his family ... period. I want to live where I feel my children and ourselves can be at peace and filled with more of the goodness I feel from nature and a country life. My soul longs for that! SOOOOO what has happened is I have waited untill he was established in a career and close to compleating his education ( he has his masters and is working on his PhD now) During this time I am learning and planning all I can and raising my children and being as happy as I can be where I am. But now this phase of our life is almost over so now I am going to school online and we are looking for a place where he can work and within an hour drive I can have my farmette. In the begining he made it VERY clear that he would buy me whatever I wanted but would not do a THING on the farm!! lol So it was the kids and I (two of my children are very much country bumkins like I am! and can't WAIT to have a farm!) would do EVERYTHING on the farm and he would work and come home. Then he wanted me to have fruit trees and a rooster because it reminded him of his grandmother and her place. I wasn't even going to have a rooster lol but this "nothing to do with the farmboy" insisted we HAVE to have a beautiful rooster! He also hated antiques and victorian or farmstyle homes. Now..... he still doesnt want to farm but he wants a garden and orchard, chickens and of course his rooster , some horses for the family to ride and possibly show, and a beatiful county home with 100 acres or so...lol.. oh and he LOVES antiques and victorian/country homes... so you never know. I know this is still MY dream and I am very thankful and blessed that he is not against it, but my excitement and joy and the excitement and joy of the kids as we plan things out has been cantageous and he is much more on board then before. I agree with what many have said here and that is a dream is personal and does not have to be shared by anyone...as long as it is respected and supported that is what is important. If he doesn't do that then maybe talk about it as a dream you have and discuss eachother's dreams and ways of satisfing them all as best as possible. The wonderful thing I find about marriage (when it is working properly that is) is that it is not about being the same but about growing as two with eachothers help, love, and support. Maybe instead of him jumping on the "farm board" have him jump on the "support board" as you support eachother in acheiving the dreams your hearts treasure! After all we only live this life once! As a practical move, he may never see it, but if it is fulfilling his wife's dream...he may. Dreams don't have to make "sense" or be "practical" they just have to be. I wish you the very best in this touchy and tuff area...and for my vote...find ways to hang on to your dream and make it work where you are!
Hugz Always!
Talitha
"If we could maintain the wonder of childhood and at the same time grasp the wisdom of age, what wonder,what wisdom,what life would be ours" |
Edited by - Buttercup on Mar 08 2007 9:49:42 PM |
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Past Blessings
True Blue Farmgirl
1083 Posts
Brenda
Orchard Prairie
WA
USA
1083 Posts |
Posted - Mar 09 2007 : 08:43:14 AM
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Thanks Buttercup . . . what a good and healthy perspective you have! I am so encouraged by the wonderful women on this forum!
Hugs and blessings!
Brenda
Past Blessings . . . Celebrating Life as it used to be . . . when people loved God, loved their families and loved their country. |
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daffodil dreamer
True Blue Farmgirl
805 Posts
Jayne
Hamilton
Victoria
Australia
805 Posts |
Posted - Mar 18 2007 : 6:04:54 PM
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Hi Brenda,
It has taken me a while to respond to your post as I have been offline - pretty much pursuing the same issues!
You were so supportive of me when I posted a similar issue a while ago, for which I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I think you, Talitha and I have come to the same decision really. My hubby doesn't want my dream to quite the same extent, but is, now after many late night discussions!, happy to support it rather than dismiss it out of hand. He was always worried that, in this day and age, money is the most important thing ie. supporting your family. Which, of course, I can understand - but I feel we can live a lot more happily on less and have the farm. So, hopefully!, he is talking to his work about being transferred (where we live at the moment is on the other side of the country from family and even a house block is really expensive, let alone a farm!!) I have decided not to ask about it - he'll tell me when he has made a decision. Until then I'll just do what I can here.
Brenda, you seem to have come to the same agreement - that a marriage is worth more than even the most beautiful dream.
I really hope it works out for all the farmgirl dreamers out there. I know what it feels like to have a dream that is constantly put down as being silly.
Best wishes,
Jayne |
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Lovin Life
True Blue Farmgirl
103 Posts
Lisa
New Hampshire
103 Posts |
Posted - Mar 19 2007 : 4:28:02 PM
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HI Brenda,
I too am a farmgirl, dreaming of a small farm in the country (5-8) acres or so. In our town there is a section of agricultural land up on a beautiful hill, not too far from Concord, NH. it is only about 20 min. away. Our house is closer to town, although it's a small town most of our neighbors are pretty close and don't like farm animals, aside from our chickens. My husband is pretty agreeable to having a more secluded home with land and privacy. His dream is a log cabin home which would be fine with me, they're beautiful. He's okay with animals too as long as I take care of the cleaning of the barn and milking chores. He doesn't mind feeding and watering our chickens, but wouldn't milk our goats when we had them. He just seems to think that we need to win Powerball in order to afford it all!! But I'm with most of you girls. I would be happy in a smaller home as long as I could have my animals without neighbors complaining.
I'm not going to give up yet! In the meantime, I'm content with my 20 chickens and my market gardening :) Although I do miss my goats and making cheese and ice cream...yummy!!
I'd rather live my life with a "full plate" than an empty one. Life is not a rehearsal... eat up! |
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jo Thompson
True Blue Farmgirl
603 Posts
Jo
the mountainside of the Chugach
in Alaska
USA
603 Posts |
Posted - Mar 21 2007 : 11:57:40 AM
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I've been reading all your posts kind of thinking about what peoples dreams are all about and watching years float by quicker than I could ever imagine....... I dream about time, having lots of time, time to enjoy what I have. So many things that people own really seem to own them.......... I've been able to have so many of my dreams, I've been to so, so many places, had beautiful homes and many beautiful things. I dream about having time............ time to spend with my family (if they have time). Time to hike up in the mountain, kwok at the ravens, time to spend with my husband, watch the grass grow in the spring time. Time to fly fish on these beautiful rivers I inhabit. Time to watch the bumble bees in the garden.
The one thing I learned when living a faster lifestyle is, "If you're always looking to the next thing and where you're going next, you're missing the moment, this instant, this breath of air." Don't forget to appreciate what you have, right now, this moment............ before it's gone. jo
"life is drab without a lab"
http://homepage.mac.com/thomja/Anchorage/PhotoAlbum15.html |
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Buttercup
True Blue Farmgirl
1433 Posts
Talitha
Vermont
USA
1433 Posts |
Posted - Mar 22 2007 : 9:55:36 PM
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So much truth in that Jo...thank you so much for reminding us to enjoy all life's moments!
Hugz!
Talitha
"If we could maintain the wonder of childhood and at the same time grasp the wisdom of age, what wonder,what wisdom,what life would be ours" |
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A Farm of My Own: What if your husband doesn't share the dream? |
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What if your husband doesn't share the dream?
