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Family Matters:  And it gets more interesting!  |
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MrsTracy
True Blue Farmgirl
145 Posts
Tracy
Beaufort
South Carolina
USA
145 Posts |
 Posted - Sep 18 2013 : 2:51:34 PM
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We have a 4 bed 2 bath doublewide home with a living room and den, dining area and kitchen. Right now its only three of us here and one of the three is spending a month in California with his godparents. So most of the time, the house is pretty empty. To elevate the emptiness I keep three of my grandsons on and off all week. Actually my hubby and I have been their primary caretakers for the past few weeks as their parents are having major issues. The baby girl stays with mommy and daddy as she's still part time nursing.
Skip to today. The kids are having major financial problems. They live on a military installation but have gone deeper in debt, have had problems with the military police and the whole "Big Brother" thing. Daughter has bi-polar and is overwhelmed with four children 5 and under and her husbands schedule has caused her to have more episodes than usual causing additional financial strain from bad choices (i.e. DUI). They will be evicted from base housing because they owe so much money on their light bill and they can't pay it as they had to kick out money to get the van out of the impound lot.
Hubby and I have already said we weren't giving them a red cent. We feed, cloth and keep the children and they go "home" on Tuesdays and Thursdays while I'm in class. Its working out pretty well. As I said they are being evicted from their housing which will pretty much leave them homeless as they have no money for the deposit on a new place. All of that has led to this request.
They have asked if they can move in with us til they get orders for a new duty station. That will be in 2015 assuming he will be able to re-enlist. This will bring my household to 5 adults and 4 children. :roll: Technically we have the space as most of us will be in and out throughout the day. I have spent so many hours in their home putting out fires and keeping the babies that its not an extra strain.
Hubby and I haven't sat down and done a real conversation yet as she just asked me. I'm actually considering it. The financial burden would be relieved as they will only pay half the rent, they can save and the kids will have stability. She wont be by herself all day every day and I won't get the midnight calls. The rules (should this take place are strict and unbending) no alcohol, no fighting, it better take place away from our house, church on Sunday (we own the home, our rules) and I am not the freaking maid or built in babysitter! They can paint their bedroom and the extra room to make it their own, they have to share the bathroom with our son and contribute to the upkeep of house and yard. Did I mention pay rent on the first of the month?! She will have to get her counseling and tow the line.
Her husband feels that by staying with us it would be like a village. He can be mentored by my hubby and have some stress elevated knowing that his wife has support and he can focus on work and get his career back on track.
I don't expect this move (should it happen) to be easy but I do see it benefiting the babies. She can have the hands on that she needs but also not being overwhelmed and stuck.
Asking for prayer that we come to the right decision. They will be moving out as soon as 25 September. They will get all their BHA money back which will make a huge impact on their financial stability and what we charge will pay our house note and do some repairs. With us living in close proximity they will be extra careful of the things they say to each other which will hopefully teach them how to better communicate. The outcome would be their immediate eviction. No if, ands or buts about it.
Aspiring Titus II and Proverbs 31 Lady. |
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Ruby V
True Blue Farmgirl
220 Posts
Ruby
Chilliwack
BC
Canada
220 Posts |
Posted - Sep 19 2013 : 08:56:58 AM
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It sounds like you've carefully thought out all the rules and even though it might be more stressful for you, it would definitely be better for the grandkids. If I were in your shoes, I'd do the same. The most important thing is the kids and they need stability. Keep us posted on how it goes.
Ruby ~ Sister #3597 |
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wooliespinner
True Blue Farmgirl
1311 Posts
Linda
Manchester
Ohio
1311 Posts |
Posted - Sep 19 2013 : 09:52:45 AM
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Tracy will be praying if you decide to let them move in that its a positive move for everyone.Hope it works out for everyone.
Linda
Raspberry Run Farm
Nubian Dairy Goats |
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lovinRchickens
True Blue Farmgirl
3522 Posts
Kelly
Pipe Creek
Texas
USA
3522 Posts |
Posted - Sep 19 2013 : 11:42:31 AM
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I too am praying, it really is a difficult situation. I think with good rules in place it could be a real benefit kids and grandchildren. I pray our wonderful God will help you through this difficult change.
Farmgirl #5111
Blessings
~Kelly~ |
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shanda
True Blue Farmgirl
522 Posts
Shanda
Broken Bow
OK
USA
522 Posts |
Posted - Sep 19 2013 : 12:35:23 PM
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Prayer all the way around. This is a tough situation to be in.
Shanda
Farmgirl #4233 |
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queenmushroom
True Blue Farmgirl
985 Posts
Lorena
Centerville
Me
USA
985 Posts |
Posted - Sep 19 2013 : 6:21:59 PM
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All sounds good however get it in a written contract and give them a dead line to be out by if he cannot re-enlist. Big polar or no if the kids are in school and she's not in councillor she needs a job. Doesn't matter if it's slinging burgers or horse poop in a barn. Prayers sent. Judge Judy would agree
Patience is worth a bushel of brains...from a chinese fortune cookie |
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churunga
True Blue Farmgirl
3982 Posts
Marie
Minneapolis
MN
USA
3982 Posts |
Posted - Sep 19 2013 : 10:25:44 PM
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Tracy,
Make certain that the rules are in writing and easy to understand. Spell out the consequences if any of the rules are broken and follow through. If the consequences do not happen, the situation will just escalate until someone dones something regrettable. Have all the ducks in a row and keep them there.
Consider placing your daughter in a day treatment program that will give her stability. Programs such as this can get her counseling and the right meds too.
Good luck Tracy.
Marie, Sister #5142
Try everything once and the fun things twice. |
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levisgrammy
True Blue Farmgirl
9578 Posts
Denise
Beavercreek
Ohio
USA
9578 Posts |
Posted - Sep 21 2013 : 09:35:10 AM
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I agree with what has been said. It is a difficult situation all around, because as adults they will have to follow your rules being under your roof. That will be hard for them as well as you. I will keep you in prayer.
Denise
Farmgirl Sister #43
"Thy Word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path."
Psalm 119:105
http://www.ladybugsandlilacs.blogspot.com/
http://www.torisgram.etsy.com |
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MrsTracy
True Blue Farmgirl
145 Posts
Tracy
Beaufort
South Carolina
USA
145 Posts |
Posted - Sep 22 2013 : 4:41:41 PM
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Thanks for all the advice ladies.
The move in process will start this week. I've done the major rearranging of our stuff yesterday. Just have to find some place to put the odd pieces that I don't use yet but don't want to put in storage or get rid of. I've been turning our bedroom into our oasis of peace and sanity. I set up my desk area and a comfy chair. The living room is our space and we'll share the kitchen. They have use of the den except when we want to use the fireplace. I'm praying this will work out. I'm gone most of the day as is my hubby. We all have transportation and that will make it easier for them to take off when they (or us) need some space. We'll give it till about tax time as a start.
churunga, our daughter is married. I cannot simply place her in a day program. Laws limit who can have whom admitted into any mental facility but thanks for the advice.
Aspiring Titus II and Proverbs 31 Lady. |
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churunga
True Blue Farmgirl
3982 Posts
Marie
Minneapolis
MN
USA
3982 Posts |
Posted - Sep 22 2013 : 8:08:03 PM
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I apologise for that. I guess I really meant to suggest that she be advised to seek out some help for this malady. I did and now I am a much happier person.
Marie, Sister #5142
Try everything once and the fun things twice. |
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MrsTracy
True Blue Farmgirl
145 Posts
Tracy
Beaufort
South Carolina
USA
145 Posts |
Posted - Sep 23 2013 : 08:41:02 AM
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Thanks churunga, no problem!
The biggest problem for her has been isolation. Isolated in her home with 4 children and a husband gone all the time, especially with her issues. He can feel more relaxed and able to handle things being her with a more close support group, until she can get into treatment. Its amazing. All the talk about mental illness and yet, she has coverage but can't get her primary care doctor to actually put her in treatment or get her a therapist. They are active duty military and yet she may as well not have insurance for all the help its giving her. The one doctor they did mention is a little over an hour away. She has 4 kids and her husbands schedule is changeable. You'd think they would try to find one in the same county! That's an all day excursion, not to mention the money spent on gas. They can do better.
Aspiring Titus II and Proverbs 31 Lady. |
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prariehawk
True Blue Farmgirl
2914 Posts
Cindy
2914 Posts |
Posted - Sep 23 2013 : 8:05:50 PM
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Check on area hospitals to see if there are any bi-polar support groups she can attend. In a support group, you're not as intimidated as you are with a dr. or therapist. You can speak your mind and others can offer their own experiences.
Cindy
"Vast floods can't quench love, no matter what love did/ Rivers can't drown love, no matter where love's hid"--Sinead O'Connor
"In many ways, you don't just live in the country, it lives inside you"--Ellen Eilers
Visit my blog at http://www.farmerinthebelle.blogspot.com/ |
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MrsTracy
True Blue Farmgirl
145 Posts
Tracy
Beaufort
South Carolina
USA
145 Posts |
Posted - Sep 24 2013 : 10:03:13 AM
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Thanks prairehawk! I am actually looking for a support group for myself. I need all the help I can get. I'll look into that for her.
Aspiring Titus II and Proverbs 31 Lady. |
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Joey
True Blue Farmgirl
1868 Posts
Joey
Gulf Coast
FL
USA
1868 Posts |
Posted - Sep 24 2013 : 11:10:10 PM
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Hi Tracy,
My heart and prayers are with you and your family. As a Psych. RN I know first hand how lax and unsupportive e mental health care is in our country. You are doing such a hard and wonderful thing for your daughter and her family. Please be sure to
Write down the rules and the consequences for breaking the rules. I would also make it a condition that she ALWAYS takes her meds as prescribed. So often People with Bipolar Disorder begin to feel better so they stop taking meds and relapse.
If I can be of any help, please e-mail me. Keep us posted. Hugs to all, Joey
Well behaved women rarely make history. |
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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl
2325 Posts
Susan
Lonsdale
MN
USA
2325 Posts |
Posted - Sep 25 2013 : 07:41:21 AM
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Dear Tracy,
I read your first post here and have thought long and hard about your plan. It sounds like you have anticipated most of the things I was concerned about and others have shared helpful ideas. Getting your bedroom oasis set up is a great start. Even though both you and your DH are on board you need to take car of and continue to support each other. Just a space to get away for a bit is so important.
It's a big decision but makes sense in so many ways. You can be sure the kids are safe and in a more stable environment without having to go and check on them and not know what is going on between times. I don't know if adding more conditions at this point is a good idea, but I would like to know that they are saving up some money for the future, even a small amount each month adds up eventually. You mentioned rent, how about food costs?
My prayers are with you daily and my thoughts and hopes return to your situation many times a day.
God bless you and your family.
Susan
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver |
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CindyG
True Blue Farmgirl
293 Posts
Cindy
Fairfax
VA
USA
293 Posts |
Posted - Sep 25 2013 : 08:02:49 AM
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A friend went through something similar and I remember her saying the most valuable advice she got was to put it all in writing - like a contract. Then later when the agreed-to parameters were not met (reality is there will be slip ups), the discussion was almost easy. It is much more clinical/not personal to be able to point to a piece of paper and say "Item number 3 is not being met" rather than the VERY emotional/personal discussion of "You did not clean the kitchen after dinner like you said you would".
The contract became a third party in their discussions, which was extremely helpful in a situation where everyone was on edge.
I'll be praying for your success-
Cindy
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ramonaj
True Blue Farmgirl
118 Posts
rhonda
gibsons
british columbia
Canada
118 Posts |
Posted - Sep 27 2013 : 7:36:24 PM
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Hi, you've gotten some very good suggestions here, so I'll only add this: there's an excellent book titled "When someone you love has a mental illness" by Rebecca Wallis. I work in the mental health field and recommend it to many of the families I work with. You're in a tough situation and I hope that it works out well for all of you.
happiness to all sentient beings |
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Family Matters: And it gets more interesting! |
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And it gets more interesting!
