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Family Matters:  Frustrated, but I am not sure I should be.  |
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teacups
Farmgirl in Training
31 Posts
terri
bryans road
maryland
USA
31 Posts |
 Posted - Sep 05 2013 : 4:53:37 PM
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With the economy the way it is, times have been pretty tough on us. It has been stressful on my husband who works six days a week. He leaves the house anywhere from 6 A.M. to 8 A.M., drives about 35 miles, in major traffic on the beltway from Maryland to Virginia. This drive can take anywhere from 40 minutes on a good day to an hour and half or more. He gets home anywhere from 6 P.M. to 8 P.M. He had done this for over 20 years. I feel horrible for him. I have been a stay at home mom and take care of my nephews and my niece for income. Our kids are now all grown. One still lives at home. Our monthly expenses continue to go up and the income has continued to go down. My husband makes very little on his hourly salary, and makes the money on commission. I tell you, it is pretty bad, when you work for the busiest car dealer in two states, in the parts dept. (that supplies retail and wholesale, service work and the body shop) and not only are people not buying cars, they are not getting them repaired or buying parts. We thought that he was in a pretty field, because in this economy, people are trying to save money by not buying new right away and getting what they have fixed to last a bit longer. We are to the point now that if it doesn't get better soon, we are going to be in the red every month. This is just with our essential expenses. We don't buy things just to buy them or because we want them. We don't go on expensive vacations we stay close to home or if traveling, visit family. We saved for 10 years to take a trip to Hawaii, where my husband lived as a child, to celebrate our anniversary and for me to see where he grew up. I have recently been diagnosed with Lupus. Still trying to grasp that, and waiting to see if it is going to get under control. I decided today that the only way we are going to be able to make it, is for me to get a part time job. I know this is not going to be good for my health. I can barely function being at home and caring for the little ones. I am constantly exhausted and am suppose to get plenty of rest, and try to avoid stress. I just cannot see my husband taking on anymore hours. It will be way to much for him. I told him this evening when he showed me his paycheck, which again was quite a bit less then it was even 6 months ago. Not to mention the difference from last year. I told him that I understand and that I decided to get a part time job to work evenings and the weekends. That would have me working 7 days a week, plus the time I am working taking care of the kids. This is where my frustration comes in and I am upset with myself for feeling this way. He said nothing. I am assuming that is because he is agreement that is what I should do. If he didn't want me to do this, then he would have said so, right? I guess I was secretly hoping he would tell say no. That I already work from home 10-12 hrs. a day and that I would just be making the Lupus worse by adding more stress and less rest. That we would find a way to get through this but not at the expense of my health. Now, I would have appreciated the concern, but I would still would have insisted that I need to do this until things get better, then I can quit. This is not going to be a permanent thing. I refuse to let him take on anymore hours. Is me feeling frustrated that he didn't try to talk me out of this wrong? I feel like I am being unfair and childish for having even wanting him to do this. Can I please get some input on this. It is obviously weighing on me, or I would not have laid all of this out for everyone to see. I don't want it to eat at me.  |
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
Posted - Sep 05 2013 : 5:46:13 PM
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You know what? You might find you really like having a part time job--it's often easier than taking care of children (which, though fun...can really be stressful even if you don't think so) and then, you'll also get the satisfaction of contributing--helping take the load off of your spouse. And that will lighten a mood for sure.
Times are very hard, for almost everyone. We have $25.00 in our account until next week. I'm not sweating it. We have dog food, people food, most of the bills are paid, and we'll figure it out. We always do. But we do it together.
I can't tell you how to feel, but I can tell you that in the immortal words of my four year old daughter's favorite PBS show, Daniel Tiger, "When something seems bad, turn it around, and find something good..." you will figure this out. And it will turn out well.
"Hey, I've got nothing to do today but smile..."
The Only Living Boy in New York, Paul Simon |
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princesspatches
True Blue Farmgirl
431 Posts
arttie
iron mountain
michigan
USA
431 Posts |
Posted - Sep 05 2013 : 6:17:56 PM
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Jonni is right as long as everyone is being fed and bill collectors are not at your door, you'll get through the tough times. Stick together and work as a team.
Find a part-time job that you can have fun with. When my kids were little, I would go work retail in a clothing store, or craft store. I got to talk with people be around things I enjoyed and made a little money to help the family. Then when things got better or my kids needed me, I could quit the job and not feel too guilty.
There are lots of ways of making money at home too. The biggest one that we do is to start selling things off. With craigslist and other outlets, you can sell off stuff around your house without having a rummage sale. You will be amazed at what people will buy. I post things we are not using anymore or are just laying around in the attic. Then I set up appointments for my days off. I can make an extra $100 a week.
Also, try to remember, your husband is just as frustrated as you are. Men just don't come out and say it like women do. He is probably worrying about your health more than you realize. But he is not going to tell you thee things, because he feels he can carry the burden without worrying you. That is how men are wired.
Good luck and hang in there.
Arttie
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
Posted - Sep 06 2013 : 05:21:59 AM
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I can understand you disappointment and frustration that you are mentioning. You feel how you feel! You shouldn't have to make apologies or feel poorly about yourself for feeling disappointed that he didn't pipe up with a protest. When I feel like that I realize that I had expectations that weren't met. If it is really eating at you, discuss it with your husband. Maybe he was relieved because he was trying to figure out a way to make the money stretch and he didn't want to make you feel bad? There can be so many sides to a story even between just two people.
I guess I would just say its okay to be disappointed that he didn't protest, but I would be more disappointed and frustrated with the situation than with him. I hope things turn around soon! *Hugs*
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
www.allergyjourneys.blogspot.com
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FieldsofThyme
Farmgirl Guide & Schoolmarm / Chapter Leader
4928 Posts
USA
4928 Posts |
Posted - Sep 06 2013 : 06:08:36 AM
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We, due to unfortunate events recently, are in a pickle with finances too. Unfortunately, our bills are going up too. The cable bill went up, the chicken feed when up, etc.
Hubby is taking on lots of extra hours, and my goal was to get a part-time job, despite being short one vehicle to do it. He said no. He does not want our home sitting empty all day, due to the rash of robberies, and such. We live on a country highway.
The day I told him I would continue to stay home, someone broke down in my driveway (right after everyone left the house but me). We are a magnet for breakdowns for some reason.
Anyway, I decided, that if I cannot work outside the home, I would dedicate myself to looking for more positive ways to save money.
I am being more creative with meals, and shopping. That doesn't mean I am a coupon queen either. I found that most coupons are for processed foods and we don't eat those. I do download e-coupons to my store's discount card (a card required to get sale prices). I have cut my trips to town down tremendously (I'm in the boonies), and I cut back on my electric bill even more. I use the library a lot too. No buying movies, books etc. I love to read, so it takes much self-control to not buy any, and borrow them.
We are one of those folks who do our own repairs too. It may take a long time to get things done, but we have to, in order to survive today's economy.
Right now, my son's car sits and waits for repairs (transmission problems). The farm truck needs parts too. With Hubby working so many hours, some things sit until we can finish them. I have to have a lot of patience. I think we are on year two of trying to finish the new goat fencing.
We do spend about $17/nt or so for family camping (our only "vacation". It's been a very long time since we traveled out of the state.
I'm not sure that what I have said is even helpful. If anything, I hope it encourages you. I used to be a very cynical person from money issues (you can ask a few farmgirls here too), but over the years I've learned to keep myself on the positive road. God Bless.
For the last two years I have also signed up for a space at a local Farmer's Market (for milk and bread cash), but our sales have been half of what they were a year ago. I just don't think anyone is in a really good financial status right now. Or folks are being much more careful with their spending.
This season, almost everything we put into our large garden, was a loss (too much rain). We will be hurting from it.
I have a daughter who had to withdraw from college due to not having the cash to pay the balance (after loans and financial aid). We could not help her. She has recently joined the military, so she can still get her college education, but not be in debt her entire life.
Farmgirl Sister #800
My Life: http://pioneerwomanatheart.blogspot.com/
Recycle Ideas: http://scrapreusedandrecycledartprojects.blogspot.com/
Our Family Store: http://roosterscrowfarm.blogspot.com/
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danyel
True Blue Farmgirl
350 Posts
Danyel
Robertsdale
PA
USA
350 Posts |
Posted - Sep 06 2013 : 12:18:41 PM
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Keeping you in prayer, I can say it sounds like a lot of us are in a similar boat. In so many areas the money is going down, and if you did receive a raise it went out in the increase of the health care premiums ( if your lucky enough to have health care at work) Always looking for ways to make the dollar go further, and the bills go down. ( some days feeling more successful then others).
From conversations with my husband when things have looked bad financially, and all the other guys that at time open up when they are hanging out in the garage. I have come to understand that for most men the ability to financially provide for the family is so tied up with their masculinity. that when things do get really tough that somehow it is their fault and they often can view themselves as a failure. They are not responsible for the way our economy has made it that a hard worker man can no longer support his family (modestly). Your response to go for a part time job he may think that you feel that he cannot make it work. You need to talk about it, unmet expectation and perception of what was "said" and "heard" results in long term pain and resentment, best to clear the air when it is fresh, not 6 months from now. ( but not with the bills setting in front of you. that is more like an attack.) (learned that one)
Just a word of caution not knowing what line of work you are looking at, the cost of another vehicle, ( do you have one or will you need one), the cost of insurance ( already have for the car or not) the upkeep, gas, oil breaks, tires. Dress for the line of work you are looking at, and any expenses that will be involved with that. Then there is the possibility of being to tired and stopping for convenience foods, and what you were making in a bring home pay check is far past spent. Going to work is one option, some times it is good one other times it honestly make the situation worse. (for our family it was best for me to go back to work) Make sure it is a situation that you are both in agreement with.
On an up note, you said you watch your niece and nephew, are you physically able to look after any one else child? State laws my vary but when I did watch other people children I was legal as long as the number was under 5 unrelated children at a time. When I went to six I enrolled a group daycare home. (do not advise that) .
Some of this you may have already done.
Sorry did not mean to sound like a soap box, your issue is not trivial and your decision is a big one.
prayers your way from PA
Danyel farmgirl sister 4202. |
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Rosemary
True Blue Farmgirl
1825 Posts
Virginia
USA
1825 Posts |
Posted - Sep 07 2013 : 8:48:09 PM
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| You mentioned you have a grown child living at home. Are they contributing to the household income? |
Edited by - Rosemary on Sep 18 2013 6:49:02 PM |
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AnnieinIdaho
True Blue Farmgirl
437 Posts
Annie
ID
USA
437 Posts |
Posted - Sep 08 2013 : 08:45:02 AM
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Hi Terri,
Yes, frustration is a reality in living and I was told by one of my wise doctors that it is felt when goals are being blocked. Chronic illness and especially hidden chronic illness changes all the dynamics in our relationships and what we can do. It is a process to redefine yourself within your new limitations. I have suffered from Fibromyalgia and Chronic fatigue for years. It took me having to learn better boundary setting to get some of my needs met and I also had to learn to let the people around me live their life and go about their work and play without me when I was not able to participate. My DH felt sad and helpless and did not necessarily want to go out with friends when I could not go. I encouraged him to keep living life (as long as he did not triangulate someone else into the relationship and turned inward to our relationship to discuss his misgivings, worries and joys. It took some redefining, but we made it. Just communicate to your family that you realize it is more than an inconvenience for your health issues to come up. That you appreciate all they are doing for the family. Set realistic goals (if you want to work, choose something easy that you can enjoy being around others in a positive upbeat setting) otherwise best to stay home and take care of yourself. Listen to beautiful music, read, sleep. Let your friends and family know your needs and ask for help when needed. It takes awhile to integrate the reality of long term illness. Take each day for what it is....some are good and some are terrible. I laid in bed for five years so ill and now I am up and about doing better. Seek medical help to keep you as best as you can be. Worry and stress will make your symptoms worse. Remember the 7 P's: Planning, Priority, Prayer, Pacing, Patience, Perseverance, and Play.
I will keep you in my prayers. Annie
"The turnings of life seldom show a sign-post; or rather, though the sign is always there, it is usually placed some distance back, like the notices that give warning of a bad hill or a level railway-crossing." Edith Wharton, 1913 from 'The Custom of the Country'. |
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teacups
Farmgirl in Training
31 Posts
terri
bryans road
maryland
USA
31 Posts |
Posted - Sep 11 2013 : 1:17:41 PM
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Thank you ladies. I appreciate all the suggestions. They have given me a lot to think about. It helps to know that their are others out there that can relate and give some advice. It seems looking for a part time job is not going to be easy, there really are not a lot of job openings. I am looking at how I can cut our bills even more.
I have given thought to if I would be able to make enough money to make it worth it. I have a vehicle to use, and the places I am looking are not that far from home. The fact that I am looking for weekend only work, has cut my options a bit. With the holidays coming up, I am hoping that will up my options some then. The laws in my state for daycare : If you watch kids other then family, you have to be licensed. I was a licensed provider for many years, I had decided to go back to school and work outside the home again, since my kids were getting a bit older. Then some things came up, I never made it back to school, needed money, and agreed to start taking care of my nephews and my niece. I could go back and get licensed, but there is so much to it, and honestly, not sure I want to take on more kids,( I have a sister that is trying to get pregnant and I do plan on watching the baby for her, but not kids outside of the family. There is a lot to running a licensed d/c home. My daughter that is still home helps as she can. Her job has cut her hours because they are not getting in the customers they did during the summer. She is struggling just to pay for her car insurance. She has been looking for another job, but has not had much luck. It is really sad how bad things are all across the country. I pray for the economy to start getting better for the sake of us all. I will keep you all in my prayers as well. Thank you again. |
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MrsTracy
True Blue Farmgirl
145 Posts
Tracy
Beaufort
South Carolina
USA
145 Posts |
Posted - Sep 13 2013 : 06:06:28 AM
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Oh how I know the woe's. My hubby is a retired Marine. He was a diesel mechanic. He does the same thing as a civilian. He works so hard! Add to that he has been pretty much supporting two households. Our daughter and son in law plus us. We have cut the daughter off and they have to deal the best way they can. Hubby is never home long enough to do things around here so we "hired" our 18 year old. While our son is studying for the ASVAB test we have him doing work around the house. He gets paid on Fridays. No work, no pay. I can't work because I'm in school and my classes are not conducive to employment at this moment. I was suppose to graduate last spring but our daughter's pregnancy and a bunch of other stuff was going on that made it necessary for me to withdraw. I can't sit out another semester because my student loans will come due. I have to pay $1100 by November and do it all over again next semester because my financial aid is exhausted. I know longer have enough to cover my tuition not to mention my books. Right I leave home early to go to the campus library to use the books on hold.
We need a new roof. Right now there is a tarp over it. Nothing we can do about it at the moment. AND we are keeping three of our daughter's children because of her mental health issues so even if I weren't in school, I'd still be homebound. As it is, I require her to babysit her three boys on Tuesdays and Thursdays so I don't have to pay a day care.
Yep, we are all going through it. I don't think your hubby was being uncaring. He is more than likely overwhelmed. Even the strongest man feels that way. I know mine would like me to work but if in reality if I do I'd have to make so much money as to make it worth while. I'm not talking about just spending money but the fact that we will owe taxes every year. I worked part time at a book store and we owed. His income is just such that anything extra is detrimental. My education tuition has saved us. We were looking at paying back about $3k. The joys of working and getting a retirement check... we can't live off the retirement check but if he gets a raise, its going to get ugly. Weird, we literally can't afford for me to work!
But as FebruaryViolet said, as long as the basics are being met. I think she's been peaking in my checking account! I just take joy in realizing that there is always tomorrow and we have each other.
Hawaii will always be there. Your health once lost is almost impossible to get back. Pray and wait on the Lord. He will never fail!
Aspiring Titus II and Proverbs 31 Lady. |
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danyel
True Blue Farmgirl
350 Posts
Danyel
Robertsdale
PA
USA
350 Posts |
Posted - Sep 13 2013 : 3:03:49 PM
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Praying for you, sounds like you have been giving this a lot of thought. I understand the daycare laws, it makes it hard. thinking of items I know other people have done at times in our family to make cash, hmmm... how good are you with a sewing machine? Able to do minor alterations? not a steady income, but as your reputation builds, repeat customers and the like it helps. ( I mend a lot of curtains, hem pants, put in zippers, now my dad "signed me up to make clothes" for a particular lady), tried a home run bakery for a while, did well everyone likes to eat (state laws on that in your area?), needed health care when my husbands job was talking of closing so I had to give it up, and in our family we are all in some part of in home health care setting, good position for trade in many cases. Still just thinking out loud. I know God always provides, just sometimes I wish he would have done so sooner, ( His time is not ours), and really I can look back and see how good He was and is, helps to prepare for what is to come.
Prayers that you and your husband continue to draw closer.
Danyel
Farmgirl sister 4202 |
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prayin granny
True Blue Farmgirl
1874 Posts
Linda
Kansas
1874 Posts |
Posted - Sep 13 2013 : 3:40:12 PM
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I think thru out the country it's been tough as everyone has said. I'm on a fixed income and I completely understand what everyone is saying. Just to meet the basics and save for medical/dental co pays etc or car repairs. Been there as someone mentioned with a tarp on a roof as well.
It gets tough sometimes but we manage to make it thru! I'm thankful for Gods grace!
Hoping for all of us that things begin to fall into place and 'life' eases some!
Luck and prayers to all!
Blessings
Linda
Country at Heart |
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LynnDinKY
Farmgirl in Training
46 Posts
Kentucky
USA
46 Posts |
Posted - Sep 15 2013 : 7:44:46 PM
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I don't post on here much, but I wanted to share this site with you. You might be able to glean from this gal.
http://www.theprudenthomemaker.com/ She has some awesome ideas on cutting expenses. Hope that helps.
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Proverbs 31:30 |
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teacups
Farmgirl in Training
31 Posts
terri
bryans road
maryland
USA
31 Posts |
Posted - Sep 18 2013 : 5:59:23 PM
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| Thank you all so much. I am so happy that I decided to join. To have such friendly sweet people to chat with means a lot. I do not have a whole lot of adult interaction on a daily basis, and I know I don't get the chance to get on here as often as I like, so being able to chat like this is a blessing. |
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teacups
Farmgirl in Training
31 Posts
terri
bryans road
maryland
USA
31 Posts |
Posted - Sep 18 2013 : 6:02:24 PM
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| I checked out the website. It really is good. Thanks you so much. Everyone should check it out. |
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Family Matters: Frustrated, but I am not sure I should be. |
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Frustrated, but I am not sure I should be.
