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Family Matters:  Advice concerning stepdaughter...at wits end!  |
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anewrose
Farmgirl in Training
17 Posts
Kathy
Strawberry Plains
TN
USA
17 Posts |
 Posted - Aug 17 2013 : 07:00:44 AM
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I am hoping for some feedback from someone with more experience than I have!
Situation- My dear husband and I have been married a year and a half. Both 44. I have three grown daughters and 4 grandkids (soon to be 5!). He has custody of his 12 year old daughter. We live one minute down the road from his parents. They have helped him with his daughter a lot in the past since his ex-wife is very unreliable.
Problem- Having already raised three girls who are good productive grownups now I was fully prepared to raise another the same way. Lol I realized immediately that this was not the way it would be. The situation is so unlike what I expected that I am just floored! It began by this girl apparently laying down MY rules. I could only use HER bathroom to take a shower (it is the main one just happens to be by her room). She could have friends over whenever she wanted whether I liked it or not. The list goes on and on. She would spend all her time at his parents then actually cry to them if we went somewhere while she was gone to their house. My girls always had chores (washing dishes etc) which she refused to do but then told my in-laws that I worked her to death. At her grandparents she wears makeup, heels, is on their facebook, goes on chatrooms, and as she told me "does whatever she wants". My husband (and I) disagree with all of this. But his parents actually told me I needed to get with the times? My girls are just 24, 22 and 21. I feel I raised them in "these times". They did none of these things.
So after a year of this we caught her in just tons of lies. I had her writing down all the lies she had told one day. She got up to go to the bathroom and her folder slid off the chair. I was picking it up for her and found papers telling how mean I was to her, calling me names, and the kicker was a letter to her counselor at school saying I fussed at her so she wanted her to call DHS and have het taken from her dad. She wanted to live with her grandparents until her mom got out of rehob then live with her.
So apparently after talking to others in the family this lying and manipulation has always went on. No one was allowed to say anything to my husband so he is surprised also. They don't seem to realize how being turned onto DHS could have affected my grandbabies who are at my house a lot. My in-laws think I need ro back down and I'm not certain what I'm supposed to "back down on". Let the 12 year old tell everyone what they can and can't do? I raised my girls kinda strictly which they have thanked me for after seeing how their friends turned out.
I don't have any idea what to do now. Any advice at all would be appreciated. I am driving myself crazy with "whatifs".
Kathy
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oldbittyhen
True Blue Farmgirl
1511 Posts
tina
quartz hill
ca
USA
1511 Posts |
Posted - Aug 17 2013 : 08:39:59 AM
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#1, I would start with family counseling, this little girl is way off track, and if she continues on this path, there will be hell to pay...#2, everyone needs to be on the same page, her father is the one to set the rules, and if others refuse to stay in those boundries, then they should not be allowed to be part of her life #3, maybe your adult daughters can try talking to her, and see if they might make an impression, also talk to her school counslers, and see if they have any input...I wish you luck with this, its gonna be a tough road...
"Knowlege is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad" |
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sjmjgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
566 Posts
Stephanie
Mt. Vernon
Iowa
USA
566 Posts |
Posted - Aug 17 2013 : 09:09:14 AM
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Kathy, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I agree with Tina, counseling is definitely needed. Not only would it help her sort her feelings out, but the counselor would also be able to give you information and ideas on how to parent her effectively. Not saying that you aren't good parents, but saying that she obviously has had a very different upbringing than your girls and what worked with them may not necessarily work with her. If the school counselor is worth their salt, they can point you in the right direction. Above all, remember that you and your hubby are a team. Its your house, so its your rules.
Farmgirl Sister # 3810
Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
- Dalai Lama
April is Autism Awareness month. Autism affects 1 in 88 children (1 in 54 boys, including my son). Go to http://www.autismspeaks.org/ to learn more and help Light It Up Blue on April 2nd!
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SandraM
True Blue Farmgirl
295 Posts
Sandra
Coldwater
Michigan
USA
295 Posts |
Posted - Aug 17 2013 : 6:43:19 PM
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It may be hard since they have done a lot of the raising of her, but the grandparents need to back you and your husband.
She didn't get this way overnight and it won't change overnight. I would start with a few very basic rules that you and your husband agree on. Lay it out to her as a united front and stick to the plan.
She is only 12 she is pushing her boundaries to see where they are.
Sandra
www.mittenstatesheepandwool.com |
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danyel
True Blue Farmgirl
350 Posts
Danyel
Robertsdale
PA
USA
350 Posts |
Posted - Aug 17 2013 : 7:56:07 PM
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Hi, sorry to hear that your having a situation with your blended family. ( I wonder if the person who invented that phrase meant oil and vinegar?) Just some back ground, I am happily married with three daughters, two are mine, ( 16 and 20) one is a step daughter( 17). We have been together for 12 years, the first couple were the hardest. With that said, I agree with the advice above that counseling is a great place to go. Actually I went first for my own sanity. ( after a while you think maybe you are the one who is nuts) It sounds like your husband is in agreement with you. that the behavior is not acceptable. That is a great place to start. Remember that you are a team, the children do grow up and leave, you need something left after she does. I hope it helps to know that you are not walking the road alone.
Danyel
farmgirl 4202 |
Edited by - danyel on Aug 21 2013 08:29:55 AM |
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hudsonsinaf
True Blue Farmgirl
3162 Posts
Shannon
Rozet
Wyoming
USA
3162 Posts |
Posted - Aug 21 2013 : 09:58:44 AM
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| First and foremost, hugs and prayers are coming your way! I'm coming to this from a different aspect... I have no step children, nor any step siblings. With that said, however, my sister is the mother of a blended family... counseling has been super beneficial for all four children involved (3 are hers and one is his). The other thing they found beneficial was who "set" the rules. She and he would discuss the rules they wanted to set and came up with the agreements. Then for his child, he said the rules and enforced them, though my sister helped enforce them, and then with my sister's kids, she stated their rules and primarily enforced them, with him backing them up. Over time, they have been able to treat each others kids as their own. Does any of that make sense or am I being as clear as mud? |
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Rosemary
True Blue Farmgirl
1825 Posts
Virginia
USA
1825 Posts |
Posted - Aug 22 2013 : 12:32:21 AM
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Like many children of divorced parents, this girl is probably confused, angry and very, very scared. It sounds to me like she's confronting her vulnerability (and letting some steam out of the pressure cooker) by setting all these "rules," acting grown up (because grownups have it made, right?) and trying to put you in a container where she thinks she can control you until she gets this new life sorted out. If I were in her shoes (heels?!?) I would probably behave in much the same way. And at 12, even if there had been no divorce and her family life was just peachy, she'd still be going through the hormonal changes that can turn girls her age into little drama queens.
I'm tempted to say that to a certain extent, she might grow out of this, but whether that's true or not, she needs reassurance that the divorce wasn't about her (even if it partly was, which I doubt) and that no matter what happens going forward, she will always have a loving family to support her and that she will always be able to have a relationship (on HER terms, within reason) with her birth mother post-rehab. Counseling? Absolutely. And don't be afraid to shop around for the right therapist until you get one that clicks. I would go alone at first, or with your husband, and use your time with the therapist to get advice on how to pave the way for your daughter to accept getting involved in counseling too. Just making her go will get you nowhere.
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Ruby V
True Blue Farmgirl
220 Posts
Ruby
Chilliwack
BC
Canada
220 Posts |
Posted - Aug 22 2013 : 11:49:50 AM
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You're not going to want to hear this, but there is NOTHING you can do to change the girl or make her like you. The only thing you can do is RUN and get out as soon as possible. Or get your husband to turn over custody to his parents and MOVE away.
I have been in your shoes for 15 years now. Almost the same situation. I ended up almost in the loony bin before hubby woke up and kicked her out.
She will do everything in her power to drive you crazy and to put a wedge between you and hubby. You should be very afraid of her lying and causing you some sort of legal trouble. Do not ever leave yourself open to that - never, ever be in a house alone with her. Remember - every word you say to her, she may twist it and use it against you later. My step-daughter also made outrageous claims against me to her teachers. Never let her be alone with your grandkids.
I was in group therapies and learned some coping methods. The main one is - do not take on any responsibility whatsoever for the girl. Keep repeating - Not my kid, not my problem. Make her father do all the discipline, never attempt to discipline her yourself. Resorting to a complete 'disengaging' will help greatly. Totally disengage from her. Do not pay any attention to her, pretend she's not even in the room. No matter what she does or says, just bite your tongue and ignore it, act like you could care less. I know this sounds harsh and crazy, but believe me, lots of step-mothers have used this method as a means of saving their sanity.
This is all especially important if your husband does not back you and support you 100% when it comes to dealing with the girl. Even if you are stuck with the girl, I'd recommend moving. That way it is no longer her house that you moved into. It would also be good to get her further away from the grandparents that are obviously enabling her behavior.
Odds are very slim that she will outgrow these feelings towards you, or at least not until she's 30+ and even counseling just turns into yet another opportunity for her to rant about how much she hates you.
The horror stories that I and other step-moms could tell you. I never dreamed I'd end up in the situation either. The stress of it all really takes a toll on you.
Ruby ~ Sister #3597 |
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Rosemary
True Blue Farmgirl
1825 Posts
Virginia
USA
1825 Posts |
Posted - Aug 22 2013 : 1:51:32 PM
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| Ruby when you say move away, do you mean that just Kathy should move, or Kathy and her husband together? Because if you mean the former, I can't see how that would do anything but empower this girl to continue behaving badly -- she'll have gotten her way by getting rid of her hated stepmother. |
Edited by - Rosemary on Aug 22 2013 1:52:00 PM |
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hudsonsinaf
True Blue Farmgirl
3162 Posts
Shannon
Rozet
Wyoming
USA
3162 Posts |
Posted - Aug 22 2013 : 2:07:29 PM
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I could be wrong, but I think what Ruby is recommending is that Kathy and her husband move into a new house together... one that is theirs rather than the father and daughter's.... does that make sense?
I have seen many a horrid step-relationships, but I have also seen ones that work out well. Praying yours works out Kathy!!! Lots of prayers coming your way!!!!
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Rosemary
True Blue Farmgirl
1825 Posts
Virginia
USA
1825 Posts |
Posted - Aug 22 2013 : 2:39:28 PM
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| That would make sense, Shannon. It may not be feasible, but I can see how this could help to de-fuse the ticking bomb! |
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Ruby V
True Blue Farmgirl
220 Posts
Ruby
Chilliwack
BC
Canada
220 Posts |
Posted - Aug 22 2013 : 4:15:18 PM
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I meant it's better to move to another house that the girl didn't live in before you arrived. That way she doesn't view the house as her house that you moved into. It also would be better to not live so close to the grandparents. Since her grandparents seem to think they know what's best, talk your husband into letting her live with them.
Unfortunately, it's a no-win situation for you. No matter what you do, she's going to hate you and make your life miserable. It's only going to get worse as she gets a few years older and is a teen.
I know it seems incredibly unbelievable to anyone who hasn't been thru it. It sounds ridiculous that a child can hold this much power over a grown woman, but you have no idea. The harder you try to make it work, the more she'll resist and drive you crazy. Then you'll start resenting the whole situation and you and hubby will end up at each other's throats. It is a very stressful way to live, with the constant worry and upset over the situation.
Ruby ~ Sister #3597 |
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sjmjgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
566 Posts
Stephanie
Mt. Vernon
Iowa
USA
566 Posts |
Posted - Aug 22 2013 : 8:35:22 PM
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Ruby, Im so sorry that you had to go through that, but I have disagree with you somewhat. I do think that there is hope. I have seen some pretty bad situations turn out for the better. I think that we have to remember that every person is different and every situation is different.
Farmgirl Sister # 3810
Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
- Dalai Lama
April is Autism Awareness month. Autism affects 1 in 88 children (1 in 54 boys, including my son). Go to http://www.autismspeaks.org/ to learn more and help Light It Up Blue on April 2nd!
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anewrose
Farmgirl in Training
17 Posts
Kathy
Strawberry Plains
TN
USA
17 Posts |
Posted - Aug 23 2013 : 1:40:06 PM
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| Thanks everyone for the input. Worrying about this has affected my entire outlook. Having no surviving parents or grandparents myself I feel alone in all this. My hubby and I actually discussed this in detail before getting Ruby's reply and had agreed on our best course. My stepdaughters mother is now out of rehab so my hubby has decided to give her custody as soon as she has a job and place to live. It is what the girl wants so he said she can just have it. So now his daughter and her mom are living with his parents. Of course I am the bad guy for saying I did not trust her. My hubby and his ex-wife thankfully understand as his parents apparently don't care what trouble could be caused my family. Personally I feel if one of MY daughter's had done this to their son and granddaughter they would feel exactly how I do. |
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Farmer Judy
True Blue Farmgirl
433 Posts
Judy
North Aurora
IL
USA
433 Posts |
Posted - Aug 23 2013 : 10:56:24 PM
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Keep your chin up Kathy. I had shared custody with my DH of his daughter since she was three. At first she wanted nothing to do with me. Then she tried to work DH and I to get us to argue and choose sides. Finally I asked my husband who was running the family, his daughter or us, he chose us (wisely). since then I have been called names, tears to her paternal grandparents and eventually she found I was easier on her than her mother was. she insisted (when small) that I must really be a boy since I had short hair and I should not be sleeping with my husband. Then it became lying and doing bad in school. Around 13 or 14 she finally found that I was a real person and did not have an agenda for her other than to see her grow up successfully. Now she is 24 and we are good. She still does not like me telling it "as it is" but to bad so sad. She ends up discussing it eventually and agreeing I have a point. Keep your step daughter in your life, at least at arms length but if you did well with your girls she may eventually see that and envy their connection with you. Just pray about her each day and see what happens. Good Luck!
God bless,
Judy
Farmgirl #3666
Born a city girl but a farm girl at heart!
http://farmtimes.blogspot.com/ |
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oldbittyhen
True Blue Farmgirl
1511 Posts
tina
quartz hill
ca
USA
1511 Posts |
Posted - Aug 25 2013 : 3:42:21 PM
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PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, do not give up on this child...it may take months or even years to "fix" her, but it will be soooo worth it , in the end...
"Knowlege is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad" |
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SandraM
True Blue Farmgirl
295 Posts
Sandra
Coldwater
Michigan
USA
295 Posts |
Posted - Aug 27 2013 : 12:17:53 PM
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I agree about not giving up. The girl is a confused 12 year old without consistency....
I hope things work out for all of you :)
Sandra
www.mittenstatesheepandwool.com |
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auntsmelly
True Blue Farmgirl
559 Posts
Jenny
Pitman
NJ
USA
559 Posts |
Posted - Aug 30 2013 : 5:01:03 PM
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Not sure if anyone suggested this, but I would recommend
getting her involved in a church youth group. If you do not
belong to a church, search for one in your area with a large,
engaging youth group. I have seen many children change
their outlooks and attitudes by being surrounded by kids
who are positive or doing community service
I would also say never give up on her- try
seeing things from her perspective. Ask her how she sees her
life. What does she see in her future? Volunteer with her where
children her age have it worse. It seems like she takes people
for granted. Show her how lucky she really is to have people care
about her, even when she isn't caring for others.
This too shall pass, but it may take long. She may need you one
day if her mother relapses so you want to keep the door open.
Just some streaming thoughts from me...you will all be in my
prayers.
Jenny
Sister #4359
Be someone's blessing. |
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anewrose
Farmgirl in Training
17 Posts
Kathy
Strawberry Plains
TN
USA
17 Posts |
Posted - Aug 31 2013 : 12:13:39 AM
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| I appreciate the advice and prayers so very much! I am so at a lose in all this. I know it sounds harsh but I do feel deceived in all this. I was led to believe my step daughter was soooo different than reality. My own eldest with two children has decided she does not want her children brought into this. My middle daughter is very iffy if she wants in this situation. And my youngest with two of my grandchildren down the road and a third due in January is not at all certain she wants involved in all this. I feel for my stepdaughter and hubby but how can I lose my entire fa vgmz2-4035653477@sale.craigslist.org mily over this one girl I've known a few years? I know it it harsh and I do hate myself for the thoughts but then I will also hate having none of my family so hubby can have his daughter. We are catholic. She has been raised in private catholic school, a lot which I helped pay for. I feel she should know some right and wrong concerning people. Just not certain I am willing to give up my last 24 year's for this. And yes I feel horrible for these feelings. |
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anewrose
Farmgirl in Training
17 Posts
Kathy
Strawberry Plains
TN
USA
17 Posts |
Posted - Aug 31 2013 : 12:16:37 AM
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| The Craigslist thing was a typo apparently. I've been looking for my youngest some furniture. Sorry...... |
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HealingTouch
True Blue Farmgirl
3448 Posts
Darlene
Kunkletown
Pa
USA
3448 Posts |
Posted - Aug 31 2013 : 08:18:24 AM
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kathy,
Don't feel bad about your feelings. If it feels wrong, it is wrong! Run as fast as you can and get your life and family back. I have been in your situation and I stayed. Now I'm older and I can honestly say that I should have gone. You will never come before her and as long as she can manipulate her F, M, Gp's you will always be the bad guy! The now 48 yo son still causes major problems in our family. Not worth it! It may sound harsh but I walk and walked in those shoes. I feel like I wasted my life and I did. I don't blame your daughters for not wanting to have their children around her. Safety first. Pray for everyone concerned and know that God does not want chaos in our lives. Since you have these feelings, you know you are right. Don't let anyone judge you. You are good and remember that you are the DAUGHTER of the KING! My prayers are fervent for your Peace, Healing, Comfort and Safety dear sister.
Be Blessed and Be a Blessing,
Darlene
Sister 1922
God first, everything else after!
When Satan's knocking at your door, just say "Jesus will you get that for me?"
When it gets to hard to stand, Kneel!
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Edited by - HealingTouch on Aug 31 2013 08:20:53 AM |
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Ladybek9756
True Blue Farmgirl
882 Posts
Rebecca
Linneus
Maine
USA
882 Posts |
Posted - Aug 31 2013 : 12:56:35 PM
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Kathy,
I was a step-daughter once. So let me try to put this in a way that you can see her side of the situation. You are new, she is old. Not in age but in her father's life. She views you as a threat. So the battle begins. The first step is to sit down with your husband and come up with a plan that you both agree to. He is to be made aware of the situation in its ugly state and then the two of you need to agree with what type of upbringing you will do together with her. Most step-children feel that they can play the actual parent against the step parent. If you both are on the same page then this will not happen. Next you both need to sit down together and give her the rules. Let her father spell it out for her. In regards to the grand-parents, I would have then treated as a luxury item for her. She is not to visit them unless her behavior is good enough to grant it. Take her privileges away when she lies, acts up or is down right rude to you. Don't go to her father all the time as a tattle-teller. Handle it yourself. If she bad mouths you, disrespects you, inflict the punishment the two of you have agreed to. The best thing you can do is to stick to the punishment regardless of what happens. I know that in this day and time, any type of punishment can warrant a visit from family services and can hurt you, but believe in the end the truth will come out and she will be the worse for it. Remember the story of the little boy who cried wolf to many times. Finally the two of you need to visit together the grand-parents and set the rules for her. If they are unwilling to comply then she gets only chaperoned visits with the two of you there. Times make no difference. A bad behavior child will grow up in resentment and blaming others. On the other hand once she gets on board with what is expected from her and does according then she will one day thank you like your daughters have. In the comment about them talking to her. I disagree with that. They are the enemies as well since they are your children and not her sisters. I turned out okay, but my sister was always in trouble with the law. I obeyed the rules, and she was given the freedom to do as she pleased and made her own rules. I lived it first hand. I hope this helps from a step-child's point of view of 10 so many years ago.
Becky
My Blog: farmgirlmuse.blogspot.com
May the stars carry your sadness away. May the flowers fill your heart with beauty, and may hope forever wipe away your tears. |
Edited by - Ladybek9756 on Aug 31 2013 12:57:49 PM |
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HealingTouch
True Blue Farmgirl
3448 Posts
Darlene
Kunkletown
Pa
USA
3448 Posts |
Posted - Sep 01 2013 : 12:02:35 PM
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Kathy,
Becky, well said! After I posted I realized I hadn't addressed the most important thing. RESPECT! Without respect everyone loses. As I see it, the Husband hasn't left his parents and become one with you, Kathy. If he doesn't stand up to his parents all hope is gone. That is how it was in my life and I was always wrong and the 2 kids knew it and still do. So to stay and risk your family and look back later and see that you wasted your life, in my opinion it is better to go your separate ways. You have to realize that you didn't do anything. I was listening to Focus on the Family yesterday and this issue came up and they said it has to do with the kids feeling abandoned and unloved by their parent/parents. Therefore you become the threat. Unless you can get hubby on the right page, I still say go. Let the parents then deal with what they have wrought. The GPs are way beyond helping the situation by letting the ex move in with them. I feel sorry for you Kathy. How hurtful. Be strong and don't let your family be caught in the crossfire for something you didn't create. I know I am probably one of the only ones that sees it this way but I've lived it and I should have gone. Even our 2 kids ask me why I stayed. As a result the family has fractured. Don't let it happen to you. Please know I will keep you in my prayers.
Be Blessed and Be a Blessing,
Darlene
Sister 1922
God first, everything else after!
When Satan's knocking at your door, just say "Jesus will you get that for me?"
When it gets to hard to stand, Kneel!
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Ruby V
True Blue Farmgirl
220 Posts
Ruby
Chilliwack
BC
Canada
220 Posts |
Posted - Sep 05 2013 : 09:38:41 AM
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Kathy, it doesn't sound harsh at all, it's your true feelings. I've walked in your shoes for almost 15 years now and if I could do it over again, I would never have stayed. I also have sacrificed my own kids and grandkids only to be stuck with two step-daughters who hate me and make my life miserable. It doesn't stop when they turn 18 either.
I also felt deceived over my step-daughters. I had no idea what they were like before I married hubby. I naively assumed they'd be just like my own daughter, who was their same age. I never dreamed what a nightmare they'd turn out to be.
I'm sorry to say - It's a no-win situation, no matter what you do. You'll always feel guilty over any decision you make, whether you stay or go.
Ruby ~ Sister #3597 |
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Dorinda
True Blue Farmgirl
1023 Posts
Dorinda
St. Cloud
Florida
USA
1023 Posts |
Posted - Sep 09 2013 : 06:41:22 AM
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I don't know how much you love this man. But I would never sacrifice my relationship with my on children to make someone else's life first and foremost. Not sure if I said that right. I am having a real problem with my son's fiancee right now. She wants to be very confrontational with me. I do not like confrontation. I am a very peaceful person. I do not like stress and drama type people in my life. Long story short is I do not even have this girl in my cell phone anymore. Even though she has my grand daughter. I know my son will bring my grand daughter by to see me. I will maintain my relationship with my son and the heck with her.
Seize The Day!
Dorinda |
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Farmer Judy
True Blue Farmgirl
433 Posts
Judy
North Aurora
IL
USA
433 Posts |
Posted - Sep 10 2013 : 12:42:18 PM
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My stepdaughter went so far as to sit between us at just the right height (sitting on her knees) to have her head between us. At first my husband did not notice it was distracting to talk to him since I could not see him. After I mentioned it, which he denied of course, he started to see it himself. He made the adjustment to either ask her to sit right if she is sitting between us or sit on the other side of me or in another chair. Eventually she got the drift, I was also important to him, not in the same way but just as important. I did sacrifice for her in many ways, some of which she did not understand until she was older but now we are friends and mother-daughter. I had been really angry at times and so frustrated I would break out crying (if alone). I did what others said, I disciplined her, grounded her, gave her chores with consequences if they were not done. She did not understand why I hated her, she complained to everyone that she was doing so much and she was only a child, but once people heard what the ultimate plan was everyone gave her a hug and told her to do what she was told. It was a rough road and it took its toll on my marriage for a long time but we are all happy now, or as happy as we can be. The old girls scout song goes, "make new friends and keep the old, one is silver the other gold" is very true, keep your family and join your new family to it, you will end up with a treasure chest of love and memories.
God bless,
Judy
Farmgirl #3666
Born a city girl but a farm girl at heart!
http://farmtimes.blogspot.com/ |
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Family Matters: Advice concerning stepdaughter...at wits end! |
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Advice concerning stepdaughter...at wits end!
