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Cleaning Up:  Need help girls! Again.. MEN  |
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rnbzmommy
Farmgirl in Training
15 Posts
Amy
Robinson
Illinois
USA
15 Posts |
 Posted - Oct 13 2006 : 8:38:30 PM
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I know this isn't the right forum to be in but I feel like I know you girls the best. So I hope you don't mind. But I need some wise women.. I talk to my girlfriends her until I get tired of them talking about it..  Does that even make sense.
Any as you know and if you don't I am single with 2 girls 10 and 8 turning 9 in January. After 10 years of the girls dad cheating and lying to me if FINALLY got fed up. I didn't think I could do it on my own.. We have been seperated almost 2 1/2 yrs now and I love it. I don't have to worry about when he is coming home. Where he is at. who he is with. what he is doing. on and on. my mind never stopped. I missed alot of my girls growing up because I was too worried about what he was doing. and I could just kick myself for it. But I'm trying to make up for me and their dad now. I get NO child support from him. Because he has 13 children my children are numbers 5 & 7. yep set for a minute and let that one sink in. I found out about number 6 when my second child was born. he is 4 months yonger than my oldest. I found out about 8 9 10 11 12 13 after I had left their dad. I tell you some men. just don't get it. and this man. boy just don't get it.
okay now that I gave you a brief low down!!! 
He doesn't pay child support and doesn't see his girls only when he doesn't have plans and when it is convent for him. I just goes right threw me. He was going to watch the girls for me every Saturday for me while I work. Well that lasted about 6 weeks then he would call can you find some one else. My oldest daughter has PDD which is a form of autisum and she was such a daddy a poppa's girl and it's really hard for her to not see or hear from her dad I can't just tell her your daddy has other plans and you will not be going over there or if we try to call and he doesn't answer she doesn't understand. I never say anything bad about him or his girlfriend infront of the girls. I could but I have prayed soo much about it. I have prayed that he would just take the girls for 8hrs a week. just one day. I talked to him about it the other day when he called and told him it wasn't about us or about me being mad. that he needed to either stay away and let the girls get use to him not being there or start seeing them more. he said you want me to stay way from the girls what kind of mom are you. I started laughing and said, tommy when was the last time you saw the girls. he just sat there. no answer. 7 weeks. and 2 phone calls. no child support and that makes him what kind of father? I come from a good family. parent have been married for 43 yrs and I didn't want my kids to be raised in a broken home. ooh my I'm just blah blah blah.....
My question is.....
how should I handle him
should I just keep my mouth closed and let him just come and go every few months like he has been and keep hurting my girls or should again and again. Don't make promises you can't keep. Which he is really good at.
So what do you think.
Let me Know.
Amy K
Flip Flops & Farmers Tans! |
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Aunt Jenny
True Blue Farmgirl
11381 Posts
Jenny
middle of
Utah
USA
11381 Posts |
Posted - Oct 13 2006 : 9:54:30 PM
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Gosh...I am so sad that you have to deal with all this Amy. My ex was a piece of work too. We were married for 11 years. (got married a month after high school graduation) My two oldest boys were 7 and 9 when we split up. The ex has been married 4 more times and has two more kids. His problem wasn't cheating it was being abusive..but he was still just a jerk. He would just not show up when it was time for him to have the boys..who of course didn't understand. I finally had my lawyer set it up where he had to let me know 48 hours in advance if we WAS going to use his parental rights to see the boys. He never once did after that. (6 months after we split up) He never paid a dime of child support either. In my case, since I was scared of him and hated that feeling and was afraid for the boys to be with them I felt like it was way worth the money to just work harder and not get the money..but that isn't always the case with everyone. It was really hard. Some guys just should never be fathers! Wow..sounds like your ex shouldn't be but did big time..wow 13!!! I think a happy broken home is better than a home without divorce but where the kids see such pain and unhappiness. I wish I could be more help to you. I know how you feel.
Jenny in Utah
Inside me there is a skinny woman crying to get out...but I can usually shut her up with cookies
http://www.auntjennysworld.blogspot.com/ visit my little online shop at www.auntjenny.etsy.com |
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therusticcottage
True Blue Farmgirl
4439 Posts
Kay
Vancouver
WA
USA
4439 Posts |
Posted - Oct 14 2006 : 12:00:28 AM
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Amy -- I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. My first husband (we were married 13 years) like to run around too. I don't know how many affairs he had while we were married. He finally left me for another woman when my daughter was 12. I was devastated at the time but the older I've gotten the more I see what a jerk he really was and how blinded I was by love. He was never close to my daughter but did make an attempt to see her every other weekend after we divorced. Then he moved to Iowa then to Colorado. He didn't keep in contact with her which hurt her terribly. He still doesn't talk to her and now that she's a grown woman she has made her own decisions about her dad.
You can't force your ex to be a part of your kid's lives. If it were me I would not ask him to see them or nag him about it. They will soon be old enough to make up their own minds about their dad. Actually they are probably better off not seeing him if he won't do it on a regular basis. I would think that the infrequent visits and phone calls would hurt them more.
Handmade purses and bath delights at www.rusticcottagecreations.com |
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MustangSuzie
True Blue Farmgirl
634 Posts
Sarah
New London
Missouri
USA
634 Posts |
Posted - Oct 14 2006 : 05:44:32 AM
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Amy....So sorry to read about your situation. Some people are just self centered and we can't change that. I'm a single mom to four children now, the oldest 11 the youngest 2. Hang in there, keep praying and you will make it. Children are very smart and they see things even when we don't tell them about them. I showed my ex the door after affair #3 and 13 yrs of marriage. At the time and for 6 more months I didn't have a job. But we made it. I've never said anything bad about my ex to the children but I don't lie to them when they ask me a point blank question either. It's very important to me that they know what the right morals are and that is not having their dad living with someone, whoever will take him in. Anyhow, your girls will see the truth and make their own opinions. In the mean time you do what you need to do for you three to survive and be happy and don't worry about him. I feel for you, no one wins in these situations. May God bless you and your children.
Sarah |
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bramble
True Blue Farmgirl
2044 Posts
2044 Posts |
Posted - Oct 14 2006 : 5:00:18 PM
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Amy- I am so sorry to hear this situation for your girls and yourself. I think the time has come for you to do what is best for you and the girls whether it be remove him from their lives and / or
follow up with law inforcement/family court to receive the child support you so desrve for the care and raising of these girls, HIS children. Our state has begun getting very tough on "Deadbeat Dads" and they will lock them up! Not too many guys want to go to jail because they refuse to support their children. I would not get into confrontations with him but let family court sort this out for you and maybe reality will shock him back into being a responsible adult and parent. If not, move on to brighter days that are not clouded by his negative presence. Good luck , you will be in my prayers.
with a happy heart |
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frannie
True Blue Farmgirl
2246 Posts
fran
bonham
texas
USA
2246 Posts |
Posted - Oct 15 2006 : 08:36:16 AM
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amy,
i am really sorry to hear that you are going through this. i often wonder what our world would be like if people just kept the promises that they make to one another.
my first husband, we had 4 children with each other. divorced me after i was diagnosed with cancer. the marriage was already on the rocks, but he didnt feel the need to make it final until he realized in our state, even if we were separated he would be held responsible for any unpaid medical bills if i did not survive.
my 4 children, lived with him, mostly because of my health issues. it was at the time the best thing for them. so i got to loose the "love of my life", my home and my children because he no longer was in love with me.
eventually he married a girl, i year older than our oldest daughter. they have since divorced but he continues to keep company with women who are 30 years younger than him. as my children say, mom, there is nothing you could have done to keep this marriage together except find a youth elixar.
anyway, i think the best thing you can do is quite relating to this man in a reactive way. use your energy to imagine what you want and need for you and your children and figure out how to accomplish that on your own. i know this is not right or fair. but you can wish a pig is a beauriful peacock all you want and it will still be a pig. and in the meantime you just waiste valuable time.
if y
there is something you can do in your state to garnish money from him use your time to do that.
it is sad that your children dont have the dad they deserve, but it would be sadder if they dont have their dad and their mom is so distracted by this dilemna that they dont totally have her either.
some of the things i went through with my ex had no answers either. the best thing i came up with was prayer. at the very least it kept me from brooding over what coulda shoulda been. i will say a little prayer for you and yours ,and yes even for the knuckleheaded dad that all will work out.
please close the door on this and turn all your attention and energy to your children. i know they have to be great kids, they have a reallly great mom.
love
fran
(http://farmfolks-frannie.blogspot.com/) |
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Phils Ann
True Blue Farmgirl
1095 Posts
Ann
Parsonsburg
Maryland
USA
1095 Posts |
Posted - Oct 15 2006 : 10:17:29 AM
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Amy, I'm the younger sister of a man like your husband...I believe my brother to be a sociopath; a man without any conscience. I hope you'll be able to get the family court on this and force him through the courts to pay child support--but if not, I pray you'll find a way to move on and make it without any further "looking back". He simply can't be moved by pleas to do what is right by his children; if he loved his children he would have been true to their mother. Your example now of becoming emotionally free and loving your girls will help them to become healthy women. I wish you strength and peace.
XO,
Ann
There is a Redeemer. |
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brightmeadow
True Blue Farmgirl
2045 Posts
Brenda
Lucas
Ohio
USA
2045 Posts |
Posted - Oct 16 2006 : 4:22:25 PM
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Amy,
I am so sorry you have to face this. I can't imagine the pain you are feeling and have felt finding out about all these other children.
Do what you feel in your heart is best for your children and don't worry about what other well-meaning people say - don't let anyone make you feel guilty or pressure you. You know your family's situation best and if you see your children upset over daddy's visit or non-visit constantly, you have the experience and knowledge to know if he is sincere about a desire to be a better parent or just blowing smoke to get his own selfish way.
God does not want people to stay in abusive situations, he wants us to live in peace. You will find an answer to your prayers, and I will include you in mine.
You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands - You shall be happy and it shall be well with you. -Psalm 128.2
Visit my blog at http://brightmeadowfarms.blogspot.com ,web site store at http://www.watkinsonline.com/fish or my homepage at http://home.earthlink.net/~brightmeadow |
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MsCwick
True Blue Farmgirl
775 Posts
Cristine
Farmville
Virginia
USA
775 Posts |
Posted - Oct 16 2006 : 5:04:20 PM
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I had a lotta problems with my mom at this age your girls are, and during my teenage years, as the seperation stated, I visited, but she has such a lack of involvement and other children now, that I have not talked to her in 2 and a half years. I do WISH i had a real mom, but I know that my mother didn't know how to be a 'real mom' to me. I find I am a stronger woman for moving on and calling my losses. I know it's hard to explain to girls that age that they cannot comprehend the difficulty of this situation, but with prayer for guidance in your words of telling them what's going on or what's not going on, you will find peace.
P.S. My mother's lack of involvement has made my search for a stable family life much stronger, and now that I am married to such a great man, I want to be that mom I never had. Maybe your girls will make sure to look for a daddy for their babies that they didnt have when they were growing up. Let God guide you.
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Horseyrider
True Blue Farmgirl
1045 Posts
Mary Ann
Illinois
1045 Posts |
Posted - Oct 18 2006 : 05:22:11 AM
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Cristine brings a valuable piece of the puzzle forth. My ex was a jerk and an abuser. I remarried when my oldest was five, and my new husband adopted her. Her biological father stepped out of the picture. And I let it happen, because I knew what would happen the first time she challenged him; he'd beat her the way he did me.
While she had a good father figure in front of her every day, there's still a longing in a kid for their 'real' parent. They wonder what they did wrong and why they weren't wanted. The most important thing I can tell you is to do everything in your power to help your children see that it's not their fault, that there is nothing they did to cause it. I wouldn't tell you to badmouth the guy, but I would tell you to say to your children (when he calls and says he's coming and doesn't show) "Gee, he acts irresponsibly." Be dispassionate, but help them find words and context to understand that it's HIM, not them; and that they're just fine. You'll be doing their self-esteem a huge favor. |
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JO AND AL
True Blue Farmgirl
235 Posts
Jocelyn
parrsboro
nova scotia
Canada
235 Posts |
Posted - Oct 18 2006 : 4:43:28 PM
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 amy, i know how u feel, my husband was running around all winter past and i was soooo blinded, as i couldn't believe he would do that to me. he finally got caught drinking and driving fourth conviction, and he may be looking at jail time. he was the love of my life, or so i thought, i am doing somewhat better he is my second husband, he has three children from a previous marriage she passed away, and i was married befor too for 25 yrs. my first husband passed away at 45 yrs. his wife was 35 yrs. anyways i thought we were soooo in love, then this happened. he is now living at her place since aug. 5th when he got caught drinking and driving he went there as he told the police to take him there. as we had a big fight befor that, i caught him with the third cell phone, and i was sooo in love i took it, finally i kicked him to the curb, my heart is still broken, thank goodness we have no kids together. but we were together for 12 yrs. i still can't believe it. i really think he has something wrong with his head. he is living with a skank, and her place is a dump, he blammed me all winter for fights we had way even befor we were married, i met him in 1994 and we lived together in 96 got married in 2000, anyways we are still gabbing back and forth, he left me with a leaking roof and the flu needs to be replaced, i ordered it all so he has to pay for at least half of it, he has rrsp's too and oh well fork it over buddy he did this, not me, but i am wondering what is next. he keeps saying i don't know yet,well i know, he needs help fer sure. he was mentally abusive, never phisical. but mental. just since he started running with her, she has been through two marriages divorced, and she has a seven yr. old, she has run with anything that had three legs. i just cannot figure him out at all. he always was so sweet, but u know he always drank too, but he was harmless mostly weekends he drank, when he started running with her he drank something awfull, anyways i would take that fellow for support if i were u then if he wants to see the kids it it up to him, as they won't stop him from seeing them, but they may if he don't pay? and if he don't pay then maintenance will and they will go after him, he is what they call a dead beat dad! anyways girl my heart goes out to you too. it hurts really hurts. hope u do good. and pray lots i do and it does help alot god has helped me alot,plus the strength i truley believe my first husband left me. i still cry alot, but the last four days i seem to feel somwhat better. i am down to 100 lbs. but i have been eating alot better the last few days, roast beef supper tonight, and i even made chicken soup yest. so things are looking a bit brighter but i still miss the a hole. but then again i don't know if i do miss him anymore after what he put me through all last yr. i was like u, never knew where he was if he was dead or what as he always got drunk and took off, i am glad they got him as he could have killed someone. she even kicked him, out as i think she gave him an ultimatim, and i like a dang fool went to his work and picked him up. then on a fri, he started all over again snuck out to be with her. so i finally threw all his clothes in her yard, and then on tuesday nite after that friday, i took everthing he owned to his work and put it right in front of his office door right down to his fishen boots,we have a beautifull home too and a lovely hudge garage he built, he just got led asstray somewhere one of gods lost sheep i guess or something? i will see him regret it someday i am sure i just hope i live long enough to do so, he is 50 just turned. and i am 54.. anyways here i am alone, in a hudge old farm house, at least i don't have little ones to worry about, i really feel bad for you. e mail me sometime privately if u like love from jo!
i thought love was all you needed? courage is needed too! |
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JO AND AL
True Blue Farmgirl
235 Posts
Jocelyn
parrsboro
nova scotia
Canada
235 Posts |
Posted - Oct 18 2006 : 4:45:34 PM
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 oh and amy i'd say u r in the right forum! lol cleaning up~~ we r cleaning up our life, hang in there girl 
i thought love was all you needed? courage is needed too! |
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brightmeadow
True Blue Farmgirl
2045 Posts
Brenda
Lucas
Ohio
USA
2045 Posts |
Posted - Oct 19 2006 : 04:58:50 AM
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The betrayal of the one person that is supposed to love you best really hurts more than almost anything else could. I guess a lot of us have found out that that "other" person is just human after all, some better than others. Character counts, it took a long time for me to figure that out, and a long time to trust again afterwards.
You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands - You shall be happy and it shall be well with you. -Psalm 128.2
Visit my blog at http://brightmeadowfarms.blogspot.com ,web site store at http://www.watkinsonline.com/fish or my homepage at http://home.earthlink.net/~brightmeadow |
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Phils Ann
True Blue Farmgirl
1095 Posts
Ann
Parsonsburg
Maryland
USA
1095 Posts |
Posted - Oct 19 2006 : 07:04:24 AM
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Oh, Jo. I think you must have been married to my brother (the oldest; the others are normal). Just kidding , the name is different; but what a resemblence. Actually, I'm praying my brother gets a DUI before he does kill someone. And his last wife still loves him, after all the mental abuse he dished out. I wish I could post a warning sign on his back. And, he does fly red flags all over the place, but the charm (WHAT charm?) keeps the women coming. This topic pushes my buttons. Hats off to all of you who have lived with these men and then gone on with your lives as stronger women. (and get to know the sisters maybe of guys you date--we don't want you hurt.)
XO,
Ann
There is a Redeemer. |
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Whimsy_girl
True Blue Farmgirl
576 Posts
USA
576 Posts |
Posted - Oct 19 2006 : 08:15:52 AM
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I may have another perspective for you... My dad was that guy.. I don't know about other kids but there were other women.. I truely believe that my life was better for him being out of it. Your kids will have some confusing times ahead of them, but who needs that for an example of what kind of man they are supposed to grow up and marry?
My only tips for you are to keep the child support thing in the courts and leave him out of it on a personal level, once you take the emotions out of it you can play hardball much more effectivly... the other thing is, watch your girls as they get older, statistically (sp?) girls who don't have a good father figure around will go in search of one through other boys in school... typically older boys and to quote my mom "Older boys have older ideas" m It might not hurt to get them into some kind of a family counseling.. also if you have a brother or your own father, someone you trust... that might be a great idea because that gives them someone safe to bond with that is a male figure in their life so as to not put themselves at risk with boys at an early age.
Just a few bits I have out of experience with my own life, and I guess knowledge really is power, you tell a kid that, and put the peices in place to try to keep it from happening and it will really help them later on... no one wants to be a lousy statistic, and if they know the signs to look for they can see them selves in it and be more capible of turning it around on their own too... thats what kept me on the right track anyway.
you can be oh so smart, or you can be oh so positive. I wasted a lot of time being smart I prefer being positive. |
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blueroses
True Blue Farmgirl
1323 Posts
Debbie
in the Pandhandle of
Idaho
USA
1323 Posts |
Posted - Oct 19 2006 : 10:50:27 AM
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Amy,
I really can't add much to what everyone has said, but I believe that they are giving you good advice. I've been there, done that, too! I would try at least for support and hopefully times have changed. Ten years ago, I couldn't get blood from that stone of my ex husband. I'd have to take time off from work to go to family court and sit there until someone called me and then most of the time, he'd wangle a stay of execution or whatever... these days the state will try to help a lot more.
As far as the kids go, I know it is so hard on them, but I wouldn't even tell them when dad says he's coming over. Then if he does show up, they can spend some time with him. But if he doesn't show up, they won't be let down again.
My thoughts are with you & you too, Jo.
Debbie
"You cannot find peace...by avoiding life."
Virginia Woolfe |
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MsCwick
True Blue Farmgirl
775 Posts
Cristine
Farmville
Virginia
USA
775 Posts |
Posted - Oct 19 2006 : 11:11:43 AM
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The sins of the fathers shall be wrought on the sons for three generations to come...
Please don't worry so much about today. Think of their future, think of their relationships and marriages. Since my mom was such a sucky mom, I want a little girl sooooo bad so I can do all those 'mom things' mine never did with me. Maybe you can use some parts of this situation to their benefit, and when it comes time for nature to help them find a mate, they will be more prompted to look for a man who will be that good daddy they didn't have. Although this situation hurts all of you now, be strong and teach your girls to be girls who demand respect from men. Teach them NOT to be walked on. I know they are young, and Dad might be their hero, but sometimes cutting ties with a parent who could be a harmful influence of what a true parent really is.
My dad knew what kind of woman my mother was, and although kids don't always understand at the moment, I see now why it was so important for my dad to have custody of me, and raise me like he did. I am nothing like my mother...and that's a good thing. Despite not growing up in a home w/ a mom and dad, my dad still taught me the values of relationships, mostly through explanation, not example. but I could go on and on about that kind of stuff
In my opinion(which may not be anyone else's) one of the most important things is that your girls don't grow up to think that behavior like this is acceptable from men. Demand respect. Women deserve it from men, and although you haven't gotten it, don't let them see their best influential parent letting this continue too much longer...
I have to stop now, as I think you can tell, I may feel too strongly about this subject..
Cristine
You & Your girls are in my prayers. |
Edited by - MsCwick on Oct 19 2006 11:18:39 AM |
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JO AND AL
True Blue Farmgirl
235 Posts
Jocelyn
parrsboro
nova scotia
Canada
235 Posts |
Posted - Oct 20 2006 : 1:27:30 PM
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amy, i have a son who was divorced, and boys he pays child support, actually he just remarried. on oct. 7th hope this one will last. he is a good dad, my youngest has three~ yikes!!! and one on the way. he doesn't see the oldest one whom is 11, and he rarely sees the second one girl 10, he is living with the woman and they has one son 5 and started school, and one on the way. it hurt me that he never got to know his first born, and well she remarried and her husband adopted him. as she lived way far from here so my youngest son couldn't really get to see him anyways. i was talking to that creep today i married, he is sitting down there in her dump. wile she is working. he works four 10 hr. shifts a week,( so he has today off) dabbling in some short vidios on her computer! ha!! a man who loved doing wood working in his wood working shop here, and is sooo handy at alot of things. it just burns me, i am here doing all the handy man jobs, and i am stubborn enough to do it too. i hope i live to see him beg. he is calling me all the time now behind her back ,and lieing to her now? it is just like he did when he was with me and sneaking behind my back, he must be having a full blown midlife crises, tough~! he needs to grow up, i am at the mellow point now and he don't like it, now she is wanting answers, and he doesn't like that either! he needs a robot for a woman, she is soooo ugly too, not that looks mean alot, but oh my gawd!! when i saw it i felt like lady di after that tee hee! she is nothing to look at i tell ya! it shocked me to death. and here all winter past right up till aug. 5th when they nailed him.. i thought that he thought i was ugly. he doesn't want to talk about seperation, he wants to get the court over with first i guess! don't see why? he's going to jail anyways, yeh! i know it worried me that he was going to kill someone, his mother is soooo devistated, and i am still in love with the bas---- how dumb am i? he has this unique way of making u feel sorry for him! well i am off here to clean out my nice home~~ ha ha and maybe sip on a cooler, i don't drink much but once in a blue moon i have a cooler or two, it is soooo nice not to have to look at him plastered anymore., and worry where he is and if he is dead or alive. while he sits in a cardboard box with a boggie man. that's my new name for her, cause she always came out after dark to sneak to pick him up lol! have a good nite girls we'll win over these creeps watch and see. i am pretty, and so are all of us gals! and no man can make us feel any different, men are so insecure i think alot of times. the transition house is a great help to talk to. tottle loo love from jo~
i thought love was all you needed? courage is needed too! |
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Cleaning Up: Need help girls! Again.. MEN |
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Need help girls! Again.. MEN
