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Family Matters:  She is at it AGAIN....  |
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GirlwithHook
True Blue Farmgirl
922 Posts
Alyce
Madison
WI
USA
922 Posts |
 Posted - Dec 05 2012 : 10:05:54 AM
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Last night was rough. I was in the middle of making supper when Ric said, "You have to call my mom. She wants you to hand me your key, pack your stuff, and move out. That's not what I want!"
Shaking, I called his mother. She basically chewed my butt for half an hour, blaming me for everything from his panic disorder to the tension between them. She belittled my business, reminding me that Ric already has a good job (I certainly don't have a good job.... Didn't say that, though). She said she likes and trusts me, but doesn't think I am good for Ric.
Meanwhile, I am wrestling first a glass of pills and then a knife away from Ric, all because he decided that if I left he didn't want to live anymore.
That is the single least-mentally-healthy thing I have possibly ever typed.
Somewhere in the middle of it all, I think I found the root of the problem. She said that with every other girl, Ric has taken her (his mom's) side in disagreements. Now, he always takes MY side. While I don't necessarily feel this is true (and even if it is...um, isn't that how it's SUPPOSED to be?), I think that says a lot.
She resents me. She has always had total control over Ric, but not anymore.
Well, I simply promised her that I would do everything within my power to help Ric get healthy again, and once she vented that seemed to appease her. She declared we were "good" and wished me good night.
It took me another hour to get Ric settled. (Blessings on Robert Irvine, whose shows always calm him down.) He is SO frustrated though. "We can't have our dreams and own our own businesses, we just have to be little automatons. I can't even call in sick the way most people do!"
After a restless night of sleep, we are both tired but Ric is calmer. He still wants to pursue our dreams, and agrees with my speculation that she is upset because we haven't seen much money from it yet. Not too crazy about that myself, but businesses are like kids, pets, and plants: they grow best when nurtured.
He let something scary slip though: his whole life, she has punished him for getting sick. (Mind you, he has a weak immune system and is sick quite often.) Where I come from, that's...not done.
To top it off, I got an email from MIL saying that after talking to me and hearing how quickly I "got it," she felt she should step back because "Ric needs to make his own decisions." I can't tell if she is being passive-aggressive, or if that's the sanest thing I have heard all week. How do I even respond? I know I must, but no idea what to say.
What's a farmgirl to do?
A hook, a book, and a good cup of coffee.... |
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MagnoliaWhisper
True Blue Farmgirl
2817 Posts
Heather
Haysville
Kansas
USA
2817 Posts |
Posted - Dec 05 2012 : 1:28:58 PM
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I would just not say anything. Is Ric in counseling of some kind? Sounds like he needs it. And really should limit his association with his mother. If he/you are christian the scripture about leaving your mother and father and cleaving to your mate, may be appropriate right about now.
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
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SusanScarlet
True Blue Farmgirl
317 Posts
317 Posts |
Posted - Dec 05 2012 : 1:38:21 PM
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| Why would you listen to her for half an hour? Marriage is between two people -- not three. It sounds like you could use some support - perhaps you and your husband could do some marriage counseling together so the two of you can form a united front when dealing with MIL. A person can only be as involved in your life and marriage as you allow. Oh, and I agree with your MIL, she should "step back." |
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sherone_13
True Blue Farmgirl
2460 Posts
Sherone
Evanston
WY
USA
2460 Posts |
Posted - Dec 05 2012 : 1:40:56 PM
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Say nothing. You can't fight crazy with crazy.
Sherone
Farmgirl Sister #1682
Thirty-One Independent Consultant
www.mythirtyone.com/233237
My Blog
www.annapearlsattic.blogspot.com
Women are angels. When someone breaks our wings, we just jump on our broomsticks and fly! We are flexible that way! |
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GirlwithHook
True Blue Farmgirl
922 Posts
Alyce
Madison
WI
USA
922 Posts |
Posted - Dec 05 2012 : 2:57:35 PM
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Heather and Susan, I agree--but he does not believe in counseling. He has an appointment next week to get his anti-anxiety medication refilled, and I hope the doctor can persuade him to talk to someone.
His mother has trained him to have no boundaries where she is concerned, so keeping her at a distance will be next to impossible. That is pretty much why I listened to her for so long; the drama would only get worse if I didn't!
Sherone--so true. I feel more than a bit crazed right now!
A hook, a book, and a good cup of coffee.... |
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MagnoliaWhisper
True Blue Farmgirl
2817 Posts
Heather
Haysville
Kansas
USA
2817 Posts |
Posted - Dec 05 2012 : 3:43:55 PM
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The only advice I can think of then is to just I guess accept the fact that you have married a weak minded man, who is a momma's boy. It's a sad truth it seems. The only thing you can do is I guess just accept it, and like was said you really can't fight crazy.
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
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GirlwithHook
True Blue Farmgirl
922 Posts
Alyce
Madison
WI
USA
922 Posts |
Posted - Dec 05 2012 : 4:43:38 PM
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Yeah, I have come to terms with that...luckily, I myself am dysfunctional enough that I can't love a man I can respect.
And yes, I *have* been in and out of therapy for years. At least now I can identify my issues. 
A hook, a book, and a good cup of coffee.... |
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nubidane
True Blue Farmgirl
2971 Posts
Lisa
Georgetown
OH
2971 Posts |
Posted - Dec 05 2012 : 4:43:46 PM
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| Amen Heather |
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brightmeadow
True Blue Farmgirl
2045 Posts
Brenda
Lucas
Ohio
USA
2045 Posts |
Posted - Dec 05 2012 : 6:29:08 PM
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OK, so sorry if I jump in here with a contrary opinion, but why do YOU call his mother just because he says you have to? You don't really have to,you know.
Tell him no, you are not going to call her, his crazy mother will have to deal with him (or herself, if he chooses not to call her) His issues with his mother are only your issues because you allow it to happen. Someone told me today that the person who cares the least has the most power.
Maybe that is the situation here. On the other hand, I am not a mental health professional and have no actual idea if what I am advising is the recommended strategy or not, it just seems common sense to me. Take my advice at your own risk.
Why the hell is he making you deal with HER and HIM at the same time, taking away pills and a knife from him while you are on the phone with her?
Don't engage.
You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands - You shall be happy and it shall be well with you. -Psalm 128.2
Visit my blogs at http://brightmeadowfarms.blogspot.com (farming) http://brightmeadowknits.blogspot.com (knitting) or my homepage at http://home.earthlink.net/~brightmeadow |
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GirlwithHook
True Blue Farmgirl
922 Posts
Alyce
Madison
WI
USA
922 Posts |
Posted - Dec 05 2012 : 7:29:11 PM
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Brenda...I think you just found the solution! Thank you! 
A hook, a book, and a good cup of coffee.... |
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Fiddlehead Farm
True Blue Farmgirl
4562 Posts
Diane
Waupaca
WI
USA
4562 Posts |
Posted - Dec 06 2012 : 04:55:57 AM
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I may sound a little harsh but...I would tell Ric to "man" up to his Mother and the Marriage or take his pills and knife and go let Mommy wrestle them away from him. A little tough love can do wonders.
What kind of a business are you starting? It would be really hard to focus on a new business with all this Mother/Son drama going on.
http://studiodiphotosite.shutterfly.com/
farmgirl sister #922
I am trying to be the person my dogs think I am.
I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult.
- E. B. White |
Edited by - Fiddlehead Farm on Dec 06 2012 08:14:28 AM |
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annielaurel
True Blue Farmgirl
912 Posts
nancy
fernandina beach
florida
USA
912 Posts |
Posted - Dec 06 2012 : 05:11:45 AM
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I agree with Brenda. She is going to rule the roost for your whole marriage. You want to live this way until she dies? Then you hubby will probably be so crushed with her dying and "leaving" him he will still be dysfuntional. Sorry to be so blunt but you must take a stand and not deal with her at all.
If you don't do something now she will continue and you will suffer. He is a mama's boy and he is the one who has to do something. Stand up because I don't think he is going to leave you and may thank you.
Hugs and prayers for you.
Nancy
Make everyday a celebration of the heart. |
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SarahJ
True Blue Farmgirl
198 Posts
Shreveport
Louisiana
198 Posts |
Posted - Dec 06 2012 : 06:23:04 AM
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You are enabling both of them to continue this unhealthy behavior by playing into the drama. When you activly participate in these by-plays, you become a contributor to this hot mess. Either you want to change it, or you don't. Feeding into it, then complaining about it will keep you in this cycle. If you don't engage her, she won't have any fodder for the cannons. As for Ric, you are enabling him! The second someone threatens suicide, you should be calling the cops and emergency services for help. The fact that you're not says you don't think he's serious, and if that's the case, his behavior is emotional blackmail to get people to submit/forgive/ignore/justify his behaviors. If you do think he is serious when he makes these threats, then you are being negligent with his saftey. I know this sounds harsh, but you need to put on your big girl britches and take control of your life. Sitting around, hand-wringing about your powerlessness in this situation really just means that you accept it and have given them permission to treat both you and one another this way.
SarahJ
Farmgirl Sister #116
http://bayoumama.wordpress.com/ |
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Katlady93
True Blue Farmgirl
361 Posts
Charlotte
Denmark
SC
USA
361 Posts |
Posted - Dec 06 2012 : 09:08:43 AM
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i have to agree. you are in a very abusive situation. and before you say he doesn't "hit" you, emotional abuse is much, much worse that physcial abuse. it takes longer for the scars to heal. i know this because i was in just such a relationship (a very, very long time ago, before DH) i wised up and got out, but there was a lot of damage done before i did. and i am still dealling wiht some of the emotional baggage it left me. you deserve better but you have to believe that first and then go after it.
Some dreams are worth the risk it takes to make them real.
Don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footsteps on the moon. |
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Rosemary
True Blue Farmgirl
1825 Posts
Virginia
USA
1825 Posts |
Posted - Dec 06 2012 : 1:12:31 PM
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Ric doesn't "believe" in counseling? Well, many men don't like it. It seems to run counter to their idea of how to deal with troubles. They'll talk to a bartender or buddy, but not a licensed therapist! Go figure.
You could beat your head against a brick wall trying to get him into counseling, or you could just go yourself, to work on productive ways to manage your life in relation to these people.
The mother-son dynamic sounds really sick to me, frankly. What's best for YOU might mean getting out and starting a new, healthier life. If you intend to stick it out, I agree with others here that your engaging with the mother is counter-productive at this point, unless you have some knowledgeable guidance on how best to do it.
By the way, if Ric is on prescription medication for anxiety, excuse me, but why on earth is the doctor letting him continue this course of treatment without getting him hooked up with a good therapist for supportive counseling?!? I think this is highly unethical, though I know it happens all the time. You should absolutely ask this doctor about therapy -- mention the suicidal acting out -- or switch to one who will. It's just not OK for him to go on taking anxiety meds without regular counseling sessions. But that said, if he won't go, do the next best thing and go yourself.
You might also want to talk with someone on a domestic abuse hotline, just to get a handle on what's available to you locally in the way of a safety net.
Edited to add: I've just re-read both of Brenda's comments (in the earlier thread and this one) and I have to say I totally back her up on what she's saying to you. Just in your first paragraph, you revealed a great deal of troubling information about the dysfunction in this relationship. The mother makes a statement that Ric doesn't like, effectively telling him he has to make you leave, and his response is YOU "have to" call her? Do you not see how manipulative and abusive that is? You may be be too close to the situation to see it for what it is. That's why I will now reiterate my recommendation that you find yourself a good therapist and start finding out why you allow yourself to be mistreated this way, and what you options are for improving your lot in life -- with or without Ric. And yes, by all means, set up a checking and/or savings account in your name if you haven't already done so. Ric should have one, too. At this point, I wouldn't recommend that you two have a joint account, but there has to be a way for you to get your mother's nose out of your financial business. Are bills sent directly to her, or to you and she intercepts the mail? Then get a PO box and have your creditors send all your correspondence there.
Good luck, kiddo. |
Edited by - Rosemary on Dec 06 2012 1:27:28 PM |
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prariehawk
True Blue Farmgirl
2914 Posts
Cindy
2914 Posts |
Posted - Dec 06 2012 : 2:01:57 PM
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MIL isn't just crazy; she's what's known as a crazy-maker. that is, she drives other people nuts as well. The trick is to realize what she's trying to do and just walk away. Let her know she can't make you crazy. because that's her intention. Sounds like she's done a good job of making Ric crazy. Now is the time to go sane. You heard that right. She'll call at the most inappropriate times, demanding her needs be met, right? That's crazy behavior. She'll sabatouge your dreams of making your own life. Don't believe her when she acts normal. She's thinking what she can do next. I hope things work out for you and Ric. I don't know if there's a cure for crazy-makers. (Sorry)
Cindy
"Vast floods can't quench love, no matter what love did/ Rivers can't drown love, no matter where love's hid"--Sinead O'Connor
"In many ways, you don't just live in the country, it lives inside you"--Ellen Eilers
Visit my blog at http://www.farmerinthebelle.blogspot.com/ |
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brightmeadow
True Blue Farmgirl
2045 Posts
Brenda
Lucas
Ohio
USA
2045 Posts |
Posted - Dec 06 2012 : 3:29:27 PM
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If you are afraid it will escalate if you tell him you're not going to call his mother, you can always say "OK, I'll call her after a while, after dinner, tomorrow morning" or whatever seems like a reasonable time period for her to cool off. Then you can just "forget" to call because you are busy with other things. You don't have to be confrontational, you can agree with him, but go your own way. You're not really lying because eventually you really do intend to talk to her.
You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands - You shall be happy and it shall be well with you. -Psalm 128.2
Visit my blogs at http://brightmeadowfarms.blogspot.com (farming) http://brightmeadowknits.blogspot.com (knitting) or my homepage at http://home.earthlink.net/~brightmeadow |
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SusanScarlet
True Blue Farmgirl
317 Posts
317 Posts |
Posted - Dec 07 2012 : 2:02:38 PM
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| I'm an older woman that worked 10 years at a mental health facility. This thread of discussion keeps coming back to my mind because I didn't say all of what I thought before which is: get out now. Neither your husband nor your mother-in-law are going to change because they are so wrapped up in their dysfunction. It sounds as though you are co-dependent. Get counseling to help yourself and stop enabling them to control your life. You're in my thoughts and prayers. |
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Bear5
True Blue Farmgirl
13055 Posts
Louisiana/Texas
USA
13055 Posts |
Posted - Dec 08 2012 : 9:13:59 PM
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ALYCE; it seems when you and Ric are doing fine, the MIL doesn't like that, so she stirs up the crap. I don't understand why. I had a dil that did that to me. I ignored her big time. Of course she turned that around and told my son that I was such an unfit mom. But, I agree with Brenda, Diane, Nancy and Sarahj. Did you ever ask Ric if he would rather live the rest of his life with you, or with his mother. If he says you, then maybe both of you together could go and have a long chat with his mother. Maybe tell her that y'all would like to have her in your lives, but certain changes will have to be changed. I'm sorry you continually go through this, Alyce. Hugs.
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
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walkinwalkoutcattle
True Blue Farmgirl
1675 Posts
Megan
Paint Lick
KY
USA
1675 Posts |
Posted - Dec 11 2012 : 2:07:24 PM
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From someone who's dealt with 7 shades of crazy people in her life, even stalkers that followed me around online and whatnot, take this advice and just IGNORE IT. Speak with your husband and have his support about it, and then ignore her calls, ignore her emails, if she shows up, explain that you and your husband just need some private time and say that you'll call her back when you're ready. The key here is to get SPACE and let the other person move on, and take the time you need until it's obvious she's started to move on, and then maybe pass along a letter.
If it continues down this route, I see BIG TROUBLE ahead for you two and her...if you have any friends in the legal arena, you may ask them what to do as far as contact limitation is concerned (Restraining orders, etc.)
If she has keys to things that are yours, change them. If you have financial ties with her, do everything in your power to cut them. YOU need to hold the keys to independence in this relationship!
Farmgirl #2879 :)
Starbucks and sushi to green fried tomatoes and corn pudding-I wouldn't change it for the world.
www.cattleandcupcakes.blogspot.com
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Family Matters: She is at it AGAIN.... |
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She is at it AGAIN....
