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Family Matters:  Thanks for the kicks in the rear  |
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GirlwithHook
True Blue Farmgirl
922 Posts
Alyce
Madison
WI
USA
922 Posts |
 Posted - Dec 13 2012 : 06:50:03 AM
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Well, after reading and mulling over everything, I decided to "farmgirl up." I laid down the law.
1. I DO NOT get involved in his fights with his mom. Ever. Something I realized after reading everything is that she is a narcissist just like my own mother. Knowing that, I know not to engage her.
2. He has until our anniversary (January 16th) to shape up, or I am leaving.
I did not raise my voice or make a scene. I spoke my peace in a calm, even voice and walked away.
The next day he said, "You're serious, aren't you?" I looked him in the eye and said, "Absolutely."
So...
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...
He starts therapy in January.  He wanted to get in earlier, but they were booked through the holidays. He has also been put on a low-dose, as-needed tranquilizer in addition to his Paxil so that he can get his symptoms under control in an emergency. (His doctor believes that Ric's symptoms have worsened lately because he was ready to change and heal, but didn't know how.)
For now, I am disengaging and taking a wait-and-see approach. I have made arrangements to move in with a cousin if, ultimately, I decide things with Ric simply won't work. I can't predict either way at this point.
Thanks, farmgirls, for helping me up off my knees. *hugs everyone*
A hook, a book, and a good cup of coffee.... |
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delicia
True Blue Farmgirl
917 Posts
delicia
cincinnati
ohio
USA
917 Posts |
Posted - Dec 13 2012 : 07:54:53 AM
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| Good luck, Hope it works out for you and Ric. Just want to ask, Did you post about you and Ric having problems when he went out boating with a different girl? Did you also post that you had a very bad relationship with your Mom? I would think that it might be a good idea for you to seek some counseling also. It is hard looking at your own issues and maybe some of them play into the relationship that you have with Ric. |
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GirlwithHook
True Blue Farmgirl
922 Posts
Alyce
Madison
WI
USA
922 Posts |
Posted - Dec 13 2012 : 08:02:46 AM
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Oh, I am. I know I have some codependency issues and a problem with never feeling good enough; I also think I subconsciously like drama.  Being an adult with Asperger's probably isn't helping since it can mess with my ability to communicate. Funny, I have never actually thought my Aspie-ness might be a problem before.
I am hoping to find a therapist I really click with so that I can stick to drama starring Nicolas Cage.
A hook, a book, and a good cup of coffee.... |
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delicia
True Blue Farmgirl
917 Posts
delicia
cincinnati
ohio
USA
917 Posts |
Posted - Dec 13 2012 : 08:08:18 AM
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| Anytime you can get help with your relationships I think it is a great thing. I really hope that you and Ric can work together to make your marriage a strong partnership. I also hope that you can mend and work on your relationship with your mil. It is good to take the high road and try and repair each relationship that you have. That being said you do not have to be a door mat to strengthen relationships. I am going to pray for each of you and really hope that God strengthens you all. |
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GirlwithHook
True Blue Farmgirl
922 Posts
Alyce
Madison
WI
USA
922 Posts |
Posted - Dec 13 2012 : 08:39:09 AM
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Thank you. Much appreciated!
A hook, a book, and a good cup of coffee.... |
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Bear5
True Blue Farmgirl
13055 Posts
Louisiana/Texas
USA
13055 Posts |
Posted - Dec 13 2012 : 11:16:10 AM
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Good luck Alyce.
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
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GirlwithHook
True Blue Farmgirl
922 Posts
Alyce
Madison
WI
USA
922 Posts |
Posted - Dec 13 2012 : 12:31:16 PM
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Thanks Marly.
A hook, a book, and a good cup of coffee.... |
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kysheeplady
True Blue Farmgirl
1291 Posts
Teri
KY
USA
1291 Posts |
Posted - Dec 13 2012 : 2:17:47 PM
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good luck, hope everything works out for you both.
Teri
"There are black sheep in every flock"
White Sheep Farm
www.whitesheepfarm.com |
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GirlwithHook
True Blue Farmgirl
922 Posts
Alyce
Madison
WI
USA
922 Posts |
Posted - Dec 13 2012 : 2:56:36 PM
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Thanks Teri. Honestly, at this point I know that I will be fine either way.
A hook, a book, and a good cup of coffee.... |
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Fiddlehead Farm
True Blue Farmgirl
4562 Posts
Diane
Waupaca
WI
USA
4562 Posts |
Posted - Dec 13 2012 : 4:47:28 PM
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Congratulations on taking the first steps! Hope no matter what it will work out for you. Merry Christmas!
http://studiodiphotosite.shutterfly.com/
farmgirl sister #922
I am trying to be the person my dogs think I am.
I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult.
- E. B. White |
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GirlwithHook
True Blue Farmgirl
922 Posts
Alyce
Madison
WI
USA
922 Posts |
Posted - Dec 13 2012 : 5:11:31 PM
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Thanks, and likewise!
A hook, a book, and a good cup of coffee.... |
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ceejay48
Farmgirl Legend/Schoolmarm/Sharpshooter
13776 Posts
CeeJay (CJ)
Dolores
Colorado
USA
13776 Posts |
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GirlwithHook
True Blue Farmgirl
922 Posts
Alyce
Madison
WI
USA
922 Posts |
Posted - Dec 14 2012 : 06:41:51 AM
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My thoughts exactly CJ. Wasn't it Einstein who defined insanity as "Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results"?
A hook, a book, and a good cup of coffee.... |
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Joey
True Blue Farmgirl
1868 Posts
Joey
Gulf Coast
FL
USA
1868 Posts |
Posted - Dec 15 2012 : 10:31:05 AM
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My favorite definition of insanity. Alyce, I am so glad that you and Ric are going to get some help. This has been going on for a long time. It is so hard to change old habits and ways of relating. You may be able to get some help with co-dependency from Alanon or a PTSD group. I used to provide counselling to family of people with PTSD. Also, have you read the book "Co-Dependent No More"? It's an old book but your library should have it. It's one I suggest. Please do not stop going to therapy when things seem better. It happens so often-the crisis is past and things are better for awhile and they stop therapy-but it really hasn't resolved the issue-it's just that the crisis is over. Ric should have the ability to make a different decision about his money now. He should be able to change that from his mother to you. You may need to talk with an attorney if he made the decision legally before. If I can help please e-mail me. Know that I send hope and peace, prayers and hugs to you both. Joey
Well behaved women rarely make history. |
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GirlwithHook
True Blue Farmgirl
922 Posts
Alyce
Madison
WI
USA
922 Posts |
Posted - Dec 15 2012 : 1:56:44 PM
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I will look for that book, thanks!
I am willing to go for as long as needed--whether it's to help me or help both of us.
Right now I am refusing to engage; his mother has been baiting him again, and I am steering clear of the whole mess. Time to protect my own sanity.
A hook, a book, and a good cup of coffee.... |
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Rosemary
True Blue Farmgirl
1825 Posts
Virginia
USA
1825 Posts |
Posted - Dec 15 2012 : 2:28:38 PM
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Alyce, I'm thrilled that the message is getting through -- to both you and Ric. It's revealing that your mother was similar in some ways to your MIL. That reminds me of abused women who put up with the abuse because it's what they saw their own mothers going through and think it's normal, like the "for worse" part of "for better or for worse." This one bit of self-awareness is a big deal. Some people never see it, so you'll be off to a good start in counseling.
Even if things magically get all better in a month, I still think it's a good idea for you (not you and Ric, just you) to establish a checking account and post office box in your own name. This will help you assert your self-worth and independence if things turn out great, and will also, of course, make things easier if you ultimately decide to make a break. Every woman should have her own resources.
You're in my thoughts. Best of everything. Keep us posted! |
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marlee
True Blue Farmgirl
1650 Posts
Marlene
DeRidder
Louisiana
1650 Posts |
Posted - Dec 15 2012 : 3:14:20 PM
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Alyce, you are in my thoughts and prayers.
God is the painter, he paints the picture. And his son builds it, for he is the Master Carpenter!
Silly Boys Trucks Are For Girls |
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Joey
True Blue Farmgirl
1868 Posts
Joey
Gulf Coast
FL
USA
1868 Posts |
Posted - Dec 15 2012 : 3:43:32 PM
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Alyce, SO glad you are moving ahead. We are all here for you. Amazon should have that book really cheap. Maybe check it out. Hugs, Joey
Well behaved women rarely make history. |
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Family Matters: Thanks for the kicks in the rear |
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Thanks for the kicks in the rear
