| Author |
Family Matters:  My hero broke my heart. Update 2/13/13  |
|
FARMALLChick
True Blue Farmgirl
978 Posts
Lora
Alexandria
IN
USA
978 Posts |
 Posted - Sep 19 2012 : 08:39:14 AM
|
As many of you know, like so many people lately, I have had a very trying couple of years. This last year has been the absolute worst ever. After losing the house to a fire almost one year ago, living in motels and rental houses, my husband having to leave his job due to health issues, helping my son (who has Asperger's) deal with his great-grandpa(my grandpa) forgetting who he is, the icing on the cake is my grandpa has accused me taking some papers from his safe. My brother tried to convince him to no end that I didn't take anything, but it was no help. I am crushed. I would never, ever take anything from my grandpa. All my life I have tried to be like my grandpa by working hard and fending for myself - not asking for handouts. He has been my rock. I have always relied on him for advice and guidance when I was down.
I have a feeling my mother has had something to do with this whole mess. Here's why. When my grandmother passed away 30+ years ago, she left my brother and me each a small sum of money. We didn't get any of it because my mother said she used it to raise us kids. I have since found out that she spent it to buy a new car way back when. A couple of years ago after my step-dad passed, she took all the medical bills to my grandpa and told him to pay them. He did because he felt obligated to help his only child. She has since had him pay off all her credit cards, mortgage and other bills. She's draining him, slowly.
Last month, my grandpa's brother died (93) and grandpa got the farm. My mother was jealous because grandpa was having it set up so that my brother and I would get the income off that farm and eventually inherit the property. She wants both farms.
She had a meeting scheduled at an attorney's office that grandpa told me about. He said he wanted me and my brother to be at the meeting. I showed up but my brother wasn't able to be there. I was refused entry to the meeting. When my grandpa and mother came out of the office, my grandpa wouldn't even speak to me. She has him convinced that I am trying to take over his finances and take all his money. That is not even close to being true. Grandpa now thinks I snooped through his stuff and found out about the meeting that HE told me about.
My mother told me he changed the will with a big smile on her face.
I am trying to figure out how to contact the attorney without sounding like nutcase to inform him that the last will change should have not been made BECAUSE grandpa is not of sound mind. Why would I say that? He doesn't remember my brother's children, he doesn't remember my son, he has forgotten my mother's name several times, he thinks my mother has remarried my step-dad (he died 4 years ago), he thought someone stole his favorite blanket off the sofa, (it had somehow gotten stuffed down between the cushions), he doesn't know when he's had an accident in his pants, he thought I was my grandmother (died 30+ years ago), he thinks I still work for the State Police because he's seen me driving around. (haven't worked there for 3 years and have only been in his county three times this summer June 9, September 9 and September 17.
I don't know what to do. All of this turmoil has caused me to miss deadlines here on MJF and probably makes you gals think I'm a slacker. I'm really sorry to anyone that I have made wait for trades and exchanges - like my secret sister - it was mailed finally - I hope you received it. I am so sorry you had to wait so long. I feel terrible.
Lora
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway" -John Wayne
www.CountryFriedAcres.etsy.com
www.farmallchick.blogspot.com
www.farmallchickphotos.blogspot.com |
Edited by - FARMALLChick on Feb 13 2013 11:12:13 AM |
|
|
rphelps4
True Blue Farmgirl
620 Posts
roxanna
westport
indiana
USA
620 Posts |
Posted - Sep 19 2012 : 08:50:09 AM
|
| This is going to sound so mean, but if your grandpa is not of sound mind that will can be broken, is your mom his power of attorney? I see this kind of thing all the time working at a nursing home, I am so sorry for what you and your brother is going through, greed is such a terrible thing. Talk to an attorney, let them advise you. Good luck I hope things improve for you. Roxanna |
 |
|
|
YakLady
True Blue Farmgirl
652 Posts
Natalie
Montana
USA
652 Posts |
Posted - Sep 19 2012 : 09:56:57 AM
|
If your mom has durable power of attorney, there really isn't much you can do. If your grandpa doesn't remember your son, that is a big red flag. Has he seen a doctor for this?
Taking the actions/opinions of someone whose mental capacity is diminishing personally will only hurt you. Remember who he was to you, and try to cope with the fact that he's still that person, but you can't see it most of the time now.
I worked with dementia patients in a nursing home's secure ward. I really think you should get him to seek help. Of course, it looks like that's not necessarily in your mother's best interest.
This is all around sad, and I'm sorry but your Mom sounds like a force to be reckoned with.
~Hen 4316~ Just a farmgirl in Western Montana.
Starting a family and raising Tibetan Yaks, Highland cattle, Laying hens, Muscovy ducks, Silver Fox rabbits, and a few dogs. |
|
|
|
Emily Anna
True Blue Farmgirl
863 Posts
Emily
Fort Atkinson
WI
USA
863 Posts |
Posted - Sep 19 2012 : 10:28:10 AM
|
Lora, I am so sorry you are going through this. It has to be very hurtful, but know that your grandpa's mind isn't thinking clearly. If it were "him" he wouldn't be doing this. Is your mom his power of attorney? I'm sorry....I know I shouldn't talk about anyones' mother like this, but she sounds like a terribly hurtful person to be doing this. If she is the POA, I would see if you can contest that and at the very least, have your brother take over. I hope everything works out for you and your family, Lora. I will be praying for you.
Emily |
|
|
|
jpbluesky
True Blue Farmgirl
6066 Posts
Jeannie
Florida
USA
6066 Posts |
Posted - Sep 19 2012 : 11:37:25 AM
|
I am so sorry for the hard year you have had. My prayers will include you that this can all be straightened out somehow.
Farmgirl #31
www.blueskyjeannie.blogspot.com
Psalm 51: 10-13 |
|
|
|
FARMALLChick
True Blue Farmgirl
978 Posts
Lora
Alexandria
IN
USA
978 Posts |
Posted - Sep 19 2012 : 12:10:25 PM
|
Just after I posted this, my brother called me. More bad news, she is now the power of attorney. That was done while they were in the attorney office on Monday. Grandpa said she did that so she could cash his checks for him. The really really scary part of all this is that her mind is not that great either.
Lora
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway" -John Wayne
www.CountryFriedAcres.etsy.com
www.farmallchick.blogspot.com
www.farmallchickphotos.blogspot.com |
|
|
|
YakLady
True Blue Farmgirl
652 Posts
Natalie
Montana
USA
652 Posts |
Posted - Sep 19 2012 : 1:31:59 PM
|
Oh boy :( I'm sorry Lora!
~Hen 4316~ Just a farmgirl in Western Montana.
Starting a family and raising Tibetan Yaks, Highland cattle, Laying hens, Muscovy ducks, Silver Fox rabbits, and a few dogs. |
|
|
|
FARMALLChick
True Blue Farmgirl
978 Posts
Lora
Alexandria
IN
USA
978 Posts |
Posted - Sep 19 2012 : 2:17:06 PM
|
Oh it just keeps getting better. I have limited my contact with my mother for a couple of years now. There's so much baggage there it isn't funny. However, the last straw was when she told my son point blank "Lliam, you're getting fat." Granted he had put on about 20 lbs in less than 3 months - he was taking a Zyprexa at the time. Who in their right mind would tell a child, especially a special needs child that they were getting fat? He's been taken off the medication since then, but still is having weight issues. Talk about crushing someone's self-esteem. I have talked about it many times with him and we are working on healthier eating, but he's so put off by her, he won't even talk to her. I can't blame him. I won't force him to either.
Then 2 weeks ago, she calls out of the blue and says she needs my help. I asked for what and was told it was to find a dead cat. Lovely. This was on a Thursday, but I couldn't get up to her house until Sunday due to work. I went, dragging my husband along for moral support and to hold me back if she started in. I entered the house and was immediately put off by the trash and filth. She told me she thought the cat was in a certain room because it smelled. The cat was not in that room - that horrible smell was the foot deep pile of cat poo in the corner. NASTY! I was gagging and I hadn't even found the dead cat yet. I went upstairs to look and thankfully there were only 2 rooms she could get into. I found her under my old bed, stiff. The crazy thing was, for being dead for several days, she didn't really smell. I found that odd, until I pulled her out from under the bed. She was completely cover in fleas! This once beautiful lavender-point and cream colored rag doll cat was black with fleas. At almost the same moment I saw that, I looked over at my husband. I gasped in horror as I saw his ankles were also now covered with fleas. I then looked down at my pants and they were covered in fleas. I scooped up the body in a bag and plopped it in a box and we beat feet down the stairs and out the door. We stood out in the driveway for 20 or more minutes trying to pick, flick, and kill fleas off each other. When I thought the coast was clear, I went back in the house because she now wanted me to fix a couple of windows. I was unable to so I had my DH come in and do it. Once again, in less than 10 minutes we were covered in fleas! We ran out again and spent another 20 minutes doing the flea dance. I even stripped off my shirt because they were inside my shirt! I approached the door, opened it and said I was not coming back in. I told her she needed to take her happy butt to town and get flea bombs and set them off and plan to spend the day somewhere else. She wanted me to come back in and do something else and I told her there was no way I was coming back until the fleas were gone. I was not going to take them home to my pets. I also asked her where the other cat was and was informed that it had died about a week before she called me. I told her that was ridiculous not to have treated these cats for fleas. It was sickening! My skin still crawls just talking about it. When we got home, we had our son bring out two towels to the back porch and we stripped bare and threw everything - even the shoes - into the washing machine and put it on hot. We covered ourselves and ran to the bathroom and took showers in as hot of water as we could stand.
When I relayed the story to my grandpa - before the attorney mess - he thought I was exaggerating! He told my brother that there was no way it could be that bad.
Her house is so full of just stuff that you can't walk around without tripping over things, the bathroom lights need replaced, but she won't do it, don't know when the toilet was cleaned last, cobwebs, dirty dishes, dirty floors, cat hair in and on everything - I don't mean just a few stray hairs - I'm talking matted clumps everywhere! The roof over the porch has a hole through to the sky, there is a groundhog hole right next to the back door, there are junk trees growing so thick around the back porch and patio that you can barely get to the back door- which is her main entrance. The front door doesn't even open anymore. There was a dishtowel under the drainer that had been there so long it rotted. And now she's the POA for my grandpa? OMG! I'm in a losing battle!
I am wondering if I should call the health department or Adult Protective Services. In Indiana, you can get in trouble for not reporting things like that. I have talked to a couple of my trooper friends and they are of the opinion that if she can't take care of herself, there is no way she can care for my grandpa. My brother is kind of wishy washy about the whole thing. On the other hand, if I do report her, I risk angering my grandpa even more if he realizes it was me.
Lora
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway" -John Wayne
www.CountryFriedAcres.etsy.com
www.farmallchick.blogspot.com
www.farmallchickphotos.blogspot.com |
|
|
|
Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22942 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22942 Posts |
Posted - Sep 19 2012 : 2:37:01 PM
|
Lora- Wills and power of attorneys that are signed when someone is not of sound mind can be contested. I would- if you can- get an attorney and start the proceedings to have your grandfather tested for metal soundness. If he is recieving any federal benefits such as VA Benefits or Social Security- he might need the help of a Representative Payee. You can also petition to have the will change overturned either now or after he is gone. I am so so sorry you are having to deal with this
And yes- I think you should call Adult Protective services and explain about your mom's house. That is not healthy and sounds like hoarding or the starting of hoarding. It's not healthy for her or her animals. If she fell- could she even get up again? What if she got cut? What about secondary infections?
I am so sorry that this is happening to you and your family. I know it's really hard. Hang in there!
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
www.allergyjourneys.blogspot.com
[url=http://www.TickerFactory.com/weight-loss/wff7Xpc/]
[/url]
|
|
|
|
Bear5
True Blue Farmgirl
13055 Posts
Louisiana/Texas
USA
13055 Posts |
Posted - Sep 19 2012 : 4:06:17 PM
|
Lora: I'm sorry you are going through such turmoil. I will keep you in my prayers.
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
|
|
|
rksmith
True Blue Farmgirl
858 Posts
Rachel
Clayton
GA
USA
858 Posts |
Posted - Sep 19 2012 : 5:09:27 PM
|
Talk with an attorney and DOCUMENT EVERYTHING!!!! Have proof to back what you say. I would definitely have an attorney check into this as it does not sound legit, it certainly isn't right to say the least.
Rachel
Farmgirl Sister #2753
True enlightenment is nothing but the nature of one's own self being fully realised-- His Holiness the Dali Lama
www.madameapothecary.com |
|
|
|
Emily Anna
True Blue Farmgirl
863 Posts
Emily
Fort Atkinson
WI
USA
863 Posts |
Posted - Sep 19 2012 : 5:35:17 PM
|
Lora,
It's sad that your mom is living like that, but it may work in your favor if you can prove that she is not of sound mind. Someone who lives in a filth and flea infested house doesn't sound like she is of sound mind. Talk to an attorney and see what can be done.
Emily |
|
|
|
rphelps4
True Blue Farmgirl
620 Posts
roxanna
westport
indiana
USA
620 Posts |
Posted - Sep 19 2012 : 9:23:24 PM
|
| Call adult protections, if something would happen to her, you and your brother could be in trouble for not caring for her let the state step in that you and your brother won't be the bad ones in this case, has she always lived in a dirty house or is this something new, if this is new behavior for her they may order her to be tested to see if she has dementia, you or your brother may become poa for both of them. I know things may be stressful between you and your mom but I know you would never want her living in an unsafe home. Good luck. Roxanna |
|
|
|
prariehawk
True Blue Farmgirl
2914 Posts
Cindy
2914 Posts |
Posted - Sep 19 2012 : 10:18:51 PM
|
there's something else to consider--if she or your grandpa were to get hurt and paramedics were called to the house, they would get infested by the fleas and that could be a legal issue. I know of a case where the police went to someone's house that was infested with fleas and they filed charges against the owner. I would definitely call Adult Protective Services.
Cindy
"Vast floods can't quench love, no matter what love did/ Rivers can't drown love, no matter where love's hid"--Sinead O'Connor
"In many ways, you don't just live in the country, it lives inside you"--Ellen Eilers
Visit my blog at http://www.farmerinthebelle.blogspot.com/ |
|
|
|
Melina
True Blue Farmgirl
435 Posts
Melina
USA
435 Posts |
Posted - Sep 20 2012 : 08:32:14 AM
|
Yes, yes, yes, Adult Protective Services, Senior Services, whatever they call it in your jurisdiction. You have a huge case against your mother. Be advised, if someone else reports it and it's established that you knew about it and did nothing, you are also charged. At least that's how it works here. Don't let her get away with this! I had a step-mother who did basically the same thing and cost me my Dad's estate, to say nothing of alienating us from one another. Act!
The morning breeze has secrets to tell you. Do not go back to sleep.
Rumi |
|
|
|
Madelena
True Blue Farmgirl
1919 Posts
Mary
Central
TX
USA
1919 Posts |
Posted - Sep 20 2012 : 4:02:19 PM
|
MELINA IS TOTALLY CORRECT. I HAVE WORKED FOR THE STATE OF TEXAS FOR 20 YEARS AND HAVE SEEN IT ALL. A CLOSE FRIEND OF MINE WORKED FOR ADULT PROTECTIVE SERVICES... IT IS THE SAME TYPE OF ORGANIZATION AS CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES AND THEY DO THE SAME.
IT SOUNDS LIKE BOTH YOUR GRAND FATHER AND YOUR MOTHER SHOULD BE EVALUATED FOR COMPETENCE. APS CAN SET UP A GUARDIANSHIP OVER YOUR GRANDFATHER AND PERHAPS HAVE YOUR BROTHER AND YOU AS CO-GUARDIANS. THEY CAN ALSO SET UP A GUARDIANSHIP WHERE THE COURT IS GUARDIAN.
I WORRY ABOUT THE SAFETY OF THESE ADULTS LIVING ALONE AND SOME OF THE DECISIONS ABOUT THEIR HEALTH AND WELFARE THEY MAY MAKE. EACH STATE HAS DIFFERENT RULES.
THIS NO LONGER SOUNDS LIKE A FAMILY SQUABBLING OVER THE FUTURE ESTATE .. BUT SOUNDS LIKE SOME REALLY IMPORTANT SAFETY ISSUES.
THIS WILL LIKELY BE A STATE AGENCY, ALTHOUGH SOME STATES ALLOW THEIR COUNTY GOVERNMENTS TO MANAGE THESE PROGRAMS. NO ONE WANTS TO BE EVALUATED OR BE UNDER SOMEONE'S GUARDIANSHIP (CAN BE PERSON, OR ESTATE OR BOTH).. BUT AN OUTSIDE PARTY IS BETTER ABLE TO DETERMINE THE EXTENT OF THEIR ABILITIES TO MANAGE.
GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY..
"There is no unbelief: Whoever plants a seed beneath the sod and waits to see it push away the clod, he trusts in God." (Kate Douglas Wiggin) |
|
|
|
queenmushroom
True Blue Farmgirl
985 Posts
Lorena
Centerville
Me
USA
985 Posts |
Posted - Sep 20 2012 : 7:01:10 PM
|
I know dealing with family in touchy situations is difficult. I would definitely contact an attorney regarding your grandfather. Most states, at least in Maine, go back are least 3-5 years to collect assets or large sums of money if an elderly family member is put in a nursing home. So what I am saying is this ...if your grandfather is put in a nursing home, the state that he lives in can attatch the property that your mom got from him or any money that he collected from property sales for his room and board and upkeep in.a nursing home.
Patience is worth a bushel of brains...from a chinese fortune cookie |
|
|
|
rphelps4
True Blue Farmgirl
620 Posts
roxanna
westport
indiana
USA
620 Posts |
Posted - Sep 20 2012 : 9:28:44 PM
|
| Lora I live in Indiana, and work in a nursing home with the elderly, you really do need to contact adult protection for everyone involved, you and your brother could be charged with neglect, I am not saying it's right or fair but that is the law in Indiana. We have a few people that are in the nursing due to adult protection for several different things, and the part about your grandfather's farm being taken by the state is true but I think it has to be in someone else's name for 5 or 8 years, Indiana got everything my mother had stocks her home everything, they will make you sell everything put that money in account to pay the nursing home, it is really sad.Let me know if there is anything I can help you with. Roxanna |
|
|
|
FARMALLChick
True Blue Farmgirl
978 Posts
Lora
Alexandria
IN
USA
978 Posts |
Posted - Sep 21 2012 : 08:36:29 AM
|
Ok, ladies. I have read and re-read all of your messages. I have contacted an attorney for further assistance. I am going to call my brother after work and we are going to have a long chat about this mess. I hope we can figure this out. I do so appreciate your input. It really does help. Yes, it is hard, but it has to be done.
Lora
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway" -John Wayne
www.CountryFriedAcres.etsy.com
www.farmallchick.blogspot.com
www.farmallchickphotos.blogspot.com |
|
|
|
queenmushroom
True Blue Farmgirl
985 Posts
Lorena
Centerville
Me
USA
985 Posts |
Posted - Sep 21 2012 : 10:59:51 AM
|
Prayers that all will be worked out in the end and that family ties will be healed.
Patience is worth a bushel of brains...from a chinese fortune cookie |
|
|
|
Melina
True Blue Farmgirl
435 Posts
Melina
USA
435 Posts |
Posted - Sep 21 2012 : 3:19:09 PM
|
Another thing, he hasn't broken your heart...the situation is breaking your heart. He is still the wonderful person who loved you all those years, even if he cannot remember it in his present state. The title of your post makes me hurt for both of you every time I see it.
The morning breeze has secrets to tell you. Do not go back to sleep.
Rumi |
|
|
|
FARMALLChick
True Blue Farmgirl
978 Posts
Lora
Alexandria
IN
USA
978 Posts |
Posted - Oct 01 2012 : 1:43:04 PM
|
Thanks again everyone. On September 20th, I returned the old will of my grandmother's. I spent 3 hours with grandpa trying to make him understand he was wrong for accusing me of taking papers. He apologized. Then he told me that he needed groceries. Said his daughter (my mother) wouldn't get him any - said he could do it himself. So I loaded up the family and we went grocery shopping for him. He reimbursed me the $40 I spent even though I told him I didn't need it. He then told me his phone wasn't working - I called to get that fixed. He said mom knew about it but didn't do anything.
This past Friday - my brother called and told me that Grandpa was now accusing my husband of taking his deed, his certificates of deposit and his savings passbook. Said that we were only there for 15-20 minutes and had no other reason for coming up. I told my brother the timeline and said there's a receipt to prove it and time stamps on my phone for calling the phone company.
I have contacted the Sheriff's office in his county to have someone file a theft report, if nothing else to clear our names. those papers have to be there or my mother has them. I know it will make him mad, but I feel its the only way. I have also contacted an attorney about everything else.
Lora
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway" -John Wayne
www.CountryFriedAcres.etsy.com
www.farmallchick.blogspot.com
www.farmallchickphotos.blogspot.com |
|
|
|
queenmushroom
True Blue Farmgirl
985 Posts
Lorena
Centerville
Me
USA
985 Posts |
Posted - Oct 01 2012 : 6:41:41 PM
|
It sounds like he's getting or does have dementia. Who has medical power of attorney over him? Is there any way to take him for an exam to find out where he.is cognigtively? If he is declared legally incompetent you might be able to file a petition to be his guardian then you will know all about what is going on with his financially and. Sorry that this is so rough on you medically.
Patience is worth a bushel of brains...from a chinese fortune cookie |
|
|
|
queenmushroom
True Blue Farmgirl
985 Posts
Lorena
Centerville
Me
USA
985 Posts |
Posted - Oct 01 2012 : 6:42:42 PM
|
Darn android.
Patience is worth a bushel of brains...from a chinese fortune cookie |
|
|
|
FARMALLChick
True Blue Farmgirl
978 Posts
Lora
Alexandria
IN
USA
978 Posts |
|
|
KatTylee
True Blue Farmgirl
230 Posts
Katrina
Mitchell
Nebraska
USA
230 Posts |
Posted - Oct 17 2012 : 12:28:30 PM
|
Lora,
Sorry to hear about this. My two cents is to document everything. Even if it feels a little overboard. It isn't and it sure makes any legal battles that much easier for the lawyer and cheaper for you. I just went through a fiasco of getting a house from a life estate my aunt left my brother and I. I know, nothing compared to what you are going through right now but from that I know it sure helped to have every little thing documented. Those time and date stamped receipts can be a life saver. Oh, and make sure you make real copies or scan them into the computer. Most receipts these days are printed on a heat sensitive paper that will blacken if hit by a little bit of heat from any sunshine or heater vents. Also, e-mail is a great way to communicate with people like lawyers etc. as it puts a time and date stamp on them. Just make a hard copy to boot.
Sorry again to hear you are going through this.
~"Be yourself; everyone else is already taken."
— Oscar Wilde~
|
|
|
|
Family Matters: My hero broke my heart. Update 2/13/13 |
|
My hero broke my heart. Update 2/13/13
