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Across the Fence:  Heartbroken but now Healed :) JULY UPDATE  |
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rphelps4
True Blue Farmgirl
620 Posts
roxanna
westport
indiana
USA
620 Posts |
 Posted - Jun 21 2012 : 07:57:15 AM
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| Connie did you get any therapy after the split from the abuser, I was in a 13 year abusive marriage, the kids and I did therapy for two and half years which gave me the tools to not live in fear. I know what is like and I will never give anyone that power over me again. The center where the kids and went, said it was one of the worst cases of verbal and physical abuse they had ever been involved with. At the time Indiana did not have a stalking law, our state rep kept informed with every new rewrite, and sent me copies to review, also it took me 13 times calling the police to even get him put in jail. I would call and he would be so drunk he couldn't hardly walk and they would tell him to get in his truck and leave, knowing he was drunk. He got visitation but someone else had to take the kids to him, he beat-up two of the kids while there and the other two ran to my mothers for help, finally after 1000.00's of dollars the state stop all visitation and stated he was unfit to be around his children.He still contacts me at times but I do not answer his calls as it feeds his sickness, he stills drives by my house at times, but if I see him in a store he turns the other way, because he knows I am a survivor. Our therapist wanted me to take the kids and go underground, we hadn't done anything wrong and that was a terrible way for anyone to live let alone four kids, they told they hoped my being so bull headed didn't get me killed, the sheriff at the time said there would be bloodshed and I would, probably end up dead, but didn't do a lot to help. I am happy to say that was 21 years ago, I have since finish raising my children, went to college and became an LPN. I know your fear and am sorry, if there is anyway I can help please let me know. Thoughts will be with you, Roxanna |
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crittergranny
True Blue Farmgirl
1096 Posts
Laura
Lindrith
NM
USA
1096 Posts |
Posted - Jun 21 2012 : 08:21:26 AM
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Connie she apologized. If you want a relationship with your son you will forgive her and get over it. That was the warning he gave you heed it girl or you will lose your son. It is what it is and you just have to make the best of it and extend patience and unconditional love. PMDD can be hell on earth, so stick with her till she gets to a place where she can manage it. Also when children lie it can be because they don't feel they can share the truth. Really Connie she apologized. That is precious like gold. It shows that she is trying to have a relationship with you. There are mother in laws out there that would give their right arm for an opportunity like that. I know youyr heart is hurting but there is hope. And I could say oh poor you and youre 100% right to put up the wall, but Im telling you the truth instead. Hugs to you. And pray for them all, God will fix it. Cause even if they get down the road 3 yrs and break up you will still have a damaged relationship with your son if you dont forgive and love. Not on the surface either but for real.
Laura
Horse poor in the boonies.
www.nmbarrelhorses.com |
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rphelps4
True Blue Farmgirl
620 Posts
roxanna
westport
indiana
USA
620 Posts |
Posted - Jun 21 2012 : 08:33:25 AM
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| I guess the question is how many times has she talked to you that way and how many times have you heard the same apology? Roxanna |
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naturemaiden
True Blue Farmgirl
2569 Posts
Connie - Farmgirl #673
Hoosick Falls
NY
USA
2569 Posts |
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Rosemary
True Blue Farmgirl
1825 Posts
Virginia
USA
1825 Posts |
Posted - Jun 21 2012 : 09:05:10 AM
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Connie, did you ever get a protective order against your abusive ex?
This is not a situation in which you can sit back and let God fix it, or sit it out and pray. You're dealing with a deeply entrenched culture of violence, manipulation and deceit that places you in a state of constant anxiety if not actual physical danger.
That your son wanted to meet and perhaps even have a relationship with his father is understandable. That his father has responded by using him as a weapon in his ongoing war on you is predictable. This is called triangulation, and it's a common tactic used by exes to manipulate their emotionally vulnerable children and punish the other parent.
Please see a therapist who is skilled in domestic violence issues. You need tools for dealing with this and maintaining your emotional integrity. |
Edited by - Rosemary on Jun 21 2012 09:06:51 AM |
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rphelps4
True Blue Farmgirl
620 Posts
roxanna
westport
indiana
USA
620 Posts |
Posted - Jun 21 2012 : 09:42:29 AM
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| If that was the first time, then yes I agree accept her apology. Roxanna |
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naturemaiden
True Blue Farmgirl
2569 Posts
Connie - Farmgirl #673
Hoosick Falls
NY
USA
2569 Posts |
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naturemaiden
True Blue Farmgirl
2569 Posts
Connie - Farmgirl #673
Hoosick Falls
NY
USA
2569 Posts |
Posted - Jun 21 2012 : 10:18:17 AM
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Mara, i did have orders of protection in the past.
i made a decision today and called his father. ( i asked my son last night for his #). i wanted to determine his state of mind, as in the past when i did to determine his stability. i wanted to try and see if he would become an emotional burden on my son. we talked for a while, we talked calmly, we didnt argue, he wasnt sarcastic....it was strange. i never knew him this way. i have to say, i have peace now. it was the most civil conversation we ever had, ever.
he told me how he told our son what he'd put me through, how he drank and did drugs, and the violence. he apologized to me for the past stuff, we talked about our son and his fiancee, which he of course, he didnt know the drama i had been dealing with, with them. he seemed concerned and said he would speak with him. he talked of God, which he had never done before. I even spoke to some members of his family who were eager to speak with me, and they understood why i kept my son away, they knew ralph (his dad) was bad at the time.
maybe his bad accident 'woke him up', who knows. He has trouble walking. all i can say is that i have never felt this peace that i'm feeling now, not ever (as far as his father is concerned). i am not fearful of him anymore. i actually feel the load lifted off my chest. I prayed for this peace for so long. i dont even have any anxiety, which was something i lived with daily, for years. i feel free!
connie
http://www.naturemaiden.com/ - Soap & Candle
http://modern-day-laura.blogspot.com/ -My Personal Blog
http://www.prairiefarmherbs.com/ -Herb Plants for the Home Garden
http://www.thriftyfarmgirl.com/ -My Online Thrift Shop
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Edited by - naturemaiden on Jun 21 2012 10:19:25 AM |
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Rosemary
True Blue Farmgirl
1825 Posts
Virginia
USA
1825 Posts |
Posted - Jun 21 2012 : 12:44:09 PM
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| Thanks for all that background info, Connie. Backing away to recharge and rethink sounds like a good idea. Call me cynical, but I wonder if your ex might be playing on your sympathy now because he's needy. Abusers are good at apologizing -- often blaming something else, such as drugs or booze , for their behavior as if they hadn't been responsible for those choices and as if they will never make the same choices again (not usually a good bet) -- telling the targets of their abuse what they want to hear, and manipulating people to get back into their good graces. Be glad things have simmered down a bit, but do be careful. We'll all keep you in our prayers. |
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naturemaiden
True Blue Farmgirl
2569 Posts
Connie - Farmgirl #673
Hoosick Falls
NY
USA
2569 Posts |
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Okie Farm Girl
True Blue Farmgirl
1674 Posts
Mary Beth
McLoud
Oklahoma
USA
1674 Posts |
Posted - Jun 21 2012 : 3:04:56 PM
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Connie, just remember the old adage: Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, ie: "She stabbed me in the back but I'll keep the relationship because THIS time, it will be different" or "He lied to me twice but I'll believe him THIS time because THIS time he's GOT to be telling the truth." :-)
I love what AlAnon gave me to remember about forgiveness: "Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It's about letting go of the hurt." People can do all kinds of things that hurt us and it is only wise to remember what those actions have been. However, just because we remember doesn't mean we have to continue allowing pain as the result. The remembering is what keeps us safe. The letting go is what keeps us healthy.
You are so wise to just step back and calm down. That gives you perspective to remember that you can't change any of the players in this drama. You aren't going to make any of them behave the way you think they should. The only thing you can change is your own attitudes and your own actions. You don't have to accept behavior that is hurtful or worse. And you sure don't have to give up what you know is right and good just to keep a relationship with a manipulative person, even if that person is your son. Step back and let him face the responsibility of his actions. Pray, pray, pray and love him from afar if you have to. When you cling to someone at all costs, you will lose that person. But if you let go and let God work in their lives, many, many times the relationship is restored and all the stronger for it. Bless you, dear.
Mary Beth
www.OklahomaPastryCloth.com
www.Oklahomapastrycloth.com/blog
The Sovereign Lord is my strength - Habakkuk 3:19 |
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delicia
True Blue Farmgirl
917 Posts
delicia
cincinnati
ohio
USA
917 Posts |
Posted - Jun 22 2012 : 11:40:56 AM
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| Connie, I am sad for you. Just went through a similar situation with my brother and his new wife of less that a year. I decided that I could forgive him but, did not need to be around him. I sent him a letter saying I was sad about the way I had talked to him, that I loved him and would come if he ever needed me. Then I let it go. I had to it was eating at me daily. I do not think forgiving someone means that you need to accept dis respect, and just a vicious attitude. I am happy that you did not let her move in what a mess you could have had on your hands then. I think you have done what you could to be kind to this girl but, some people just can't accept or give kindness. I can not imagine the heartache you are going through with your Son. He must be very wrapped up in this girl to let her go off on you in such a manner. Good luck with everything I will be praying for you and your Family. Just stay alert and smart because you see all kinds of things happen when people get stressed and if they are taking any kind of medication you do not know how that can alter their personality. |
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crittergranny
True Blue Farmgirl
1096 Posts
Laura
Lindrith
NM
USA
1096 Posts |
Posted - Jun 24 2012 : 08:23:13 AM
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Hugs and prayers Connie. Please be careful about the ex that he's not setting a trap. I don't know the story but it sounds like your son was influenced by an abusive dad and you did the right thing getting yourself out of the situation. Sometimes when children grow up with that kind of thing they tend to side with the abuser cause they are seen as the dominant force and it takes a long time for them to see who was really the strong one. This young lady may be your strongest ally in the future. Cause how he treats you by not taking your side might be how he treats her eventually. It's a lack of respect for women in general. But I don't know much about your situation, just something that I'm gathering from what I see on these posts. Take care, be strong.
Laura
Horse poor in the boonies.
www.nmbarrelhorses.com |
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naturemaiden
True Blue Farmgirl
2569 Posts
Connie - Farmgirl #673
Hoosick Falls
NY
USA
2569 Posts |
Posted - Jun 25 2012 : 05:17:38 AM
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Since my last post a few days ago, my emotions have been up and down. My son has been over (alone) to get more of his things and we've been getting along fine. i've had my bouts of being okay, and crying a lot the next day. i miss my son, but i know it's time for him to move on. joe feels we'll have a better relationship not living under the same roof.
Yesterday my son took his younger brother, who will be 18 next month to his new place ... really its an unfinished basement of a friend. When my younger son came back, he said that Joe's (my older son) fiancee, Brooke, was very nasty to Joe, telling him that he was not going anywhere! Of course they both left together because they had to go to the store.
I was a little shocked that she'd had the nerve to act like that right in front of andrew (let alone at all)...she shows no respect for any of us in the family. Just proves that she likes to be controlling and manipulative.
the kicker of this whole situation that I left out, is something that happened 2 days, the monday before i posted this situation. Brooke had a graduation party on the 23rd. I was suppose to rsvp by the 16th. on the 15th I told her I was not going, and I explained to her that it was because i did not feel comfortable being around her family after everything she comes and tells us. maybe a better person would do it, but i cannot go somewhere and be 'fake'.
on the 18th, monday i received an anonymous typed letter in the mail telling me that my husband was cheating on me and to follow him. initially i was upset, but knew it was impossible because my husband is either here or at work at the dump. he has a great rep, and he's well liked in the community. he is a christian man, more religious than I, and i know in my heart he'd never do that. i married him because he was different than any man i dated. the letter was post marked on the 16th. of course there's no way to identify where it came from, but my gut tells me brooke sent it. my sister, andrew and a friend all felt brooke sent it before i even considered it.
there is a lot of anger in the letter, and it was very personable, so i knew the person knew me. if it had been written by a jilted husband, as the letter indicates, he wouldnt of known my name besides other clues in it.
to think that she'd even try to do that is beyond me. i wonder if my son knew she wrote it. when i first got the letter i told brooke and joe about it, to see their reaction. joe said " dont fight with the person"...which i thought was an odd reaction. It was just the following day after getting the letter that brooke said all those nasty things to me when after i approached them about the lying.
brooke kept demanding i tell her who i thought wrote it, which i also found odd. why did she need to know so bad? of course i have no proof, but my gut tells me brooke wrote the letter.
at this time i am ok, not feeling sad. i just hope everything works out for my son, and that he'll be ok. i know i have to let things be, and whatever will happen with joe and brooke is out of my hands.
as far as his father is concerned, i'll never let my guard down with him. i just hope he'll be a positive influence on my son. andrew told me yesterday that joe confided in him that he had a long talk with brooke regarding the awful way she treated me. i'm glad he acknowledged & addressed that.
to think that all of this started by me confronting them with their lies...things were uncovered and people hurt. i wish my son had moved out on different terms.
is it ok as a mom to confront your older kids when you know they lie to you, or should you just let it go?
Connie
http://www.naturemaiden.com/ - Soap & Candle
http://modern-day-laura.blogspot.com/ -My Personal Blog
http://www.prairiefarmherbs.com/ -Herb Plants for the Home Garden
http://www.thriftyfarmgirl.com/ -My Online Thrift Shop
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Edited by - naturemaiden on Jun 25 2012 05:22:41 AM |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
Posted - Jun 25 2012 : 05:39:16 AM
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Connie-
I was thinking about your situation this weekend and that of your son. I think a lot of this has to do with the immaturity of the girl in question, both now and when they started their relationship. I have a family friend who has somethign similar happen to him. He was living with the family while he went to college and the mom got it into her head that he should marry their daughter who was 16 at the time. After two years of "dating" (mostly supervised by the parenets) he told her that he didn't think they should marry and moved out. The relationship had never been sexual, but the family and the girl still pressed statutory rape charges against my friend because he didn't marry the girl.
Some girls are very mature at 16 or 18 and some I think have very little maturity- whether it is in their character or do to situations at home.
I know this isn't going to help you son, but I hope moms these days start teaching their son's to check the driver's license of any girl they didn't go through school with because if they just meet they can be lied to like your son and my friend about went to jail even though he never touched the girl in appropriatly or anything.
I hope that with time your relationship with your son is healed and I hope that if he does decide to stay with this girl that she learns some life lessons fast and grows up. *hugs*
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
www.allergyjourneys.blogspot.com
[url=http://www.TickerFactory.com/weight-loss/wff7Xpc/]
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naturemaiden
True Blue Farmgirl
2569 Posts
Connie - Farmgirl #673
Hoosick Falls
NY
USA
2569 Posts |
Posted - Jun 25 2012 : 12:26:42 PM
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Alee, funny you mention that. my son told me that when he first met her he didnt know she was 15, because she lied to him too. of course she didnt have a license. lies and manipulation from the start. UGH
they say girls tend to mature faster than boys, and i was hoping she was. she sure put up a show that she was, but plenty of times i saw through her. i just never thought she'd stoop so low because we never had a problem getting along. her age is sure showing now. because i had a hard up-bringing and i had been judged, i tried not to judge her because of the issues she came to me with.
yeah i'm always giving 'the benefit of the doubt'. i just need to detach from the situation and hope either she grows up or my son wakes up and finds a real lady.
thank you all for your support, it's meant a lot to me.
connie
http://www.naturemaiden.com/ - Soap & Candle
http://modern-day-laura.blogspot.com/ -My Personal Blog
http://www.prairiefarmherbs.com/ -Herb Plants for the Home Garden
http://www.thriftyfarmgirl.com/ -My Online Thrift Shop
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Edited by - naturemaiden on Jun 25 2012 12:30:50 PM |
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naturemaiden
True Blue Farmgirl
2569 Posts
Connie - Farmgirl #673
Hoosick Falls
NY
USA
2569 Posts |
Posted - Jun 25 2012 : 3:24:13 PM
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would you believe that i had to file a harrassment against brooke's mother? she wouldnt stop sending me annoying texts even after i asked her too. the rotten apple doesnt fall far from the tree. this is the 2nd time in 5 days that she did this. i'm not going to let her get me mad, she's so pathetic. the texts were so dumb the cop thought that brooke was sending them! the cop told me that she was not very pleasant or cooperative.
connie
http://www.naturemaiden.com/ - Soap & Candle
http://modern-day-laura.blogspot.com/ -My Personal Blog
http://www.prairiefarmherbs.com/ -Herb Plants for the Home Garden
http://www.thriftyfarmgirl.com/ -My Online Thrift Shop
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Edited by - naturemaiden on Jun 25 2012 3:25:48 PM |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
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naturemaiden
True Blue Farmgirl
2569 Posts
Connie - Farmgirl #673
Hoosick Falls
NY
USA
2569 Posts |
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paradiseplantation
True Blue Farmgirl
1277 Posts
julie
social springs community
Louisiana
USA
1277 Posts |
Posted - Jun 26 2012 : 06:14:11 AM
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Connie, my heart is full of prayers for you. This is a real situation of tough love. I agree with what you've done, though. If you give in to it, you feed it until it becomes a real monster. You are in my prayers, girl. Hang in there, and if it gets to be too much, stop a minute, close your eyes and imagine you see and feel, deed in your heart, a massive circle of farm girls around you, hugging you, holding your hand and barricading you against any and all trouble. Trust me. We farm girls can be very intimidating when all in one room and all against any and all problems. Think about it. Would YOU want to go up against us? :) HOpefully, it'll at least lift the weight and help you to gain strength and perspective. Keep us posted!
from the hearts of paradise...
1Thess. 4:11
http://thefarmwife.com
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naturemaiden
True Blue Farmgirl
2569 Posts
Connie - Farmgirl #673
Hoosick Falls
NY
USA
2569 Posts |
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Rosemary
True Blue Farmgirl
1825 Posts
Virginia
USA
1825 Posts |
Posted - Jun 26 2012 : 12:36:41 PM
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| When drama comes knocking, Connie, just remember, that's why God made the movies. Go see one. Buy a big ol' bucket of popcorn and an overpriced Coke. Laugh your head off, stop at a store on the way home and let a cosmetics counter lady give you a free makeover, go home looking like a million bucks and go to bed happy. That's the kind of advice I used to get from my dad. He was the smartest man I ever knew. ;) |
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queenmushroom
True Blue Farmgirl
985 Posts
Lorena
Centerville
Me
USA
985 Posts |
Posted - Jun 27 2012 : 08:54:59 AM
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Ok...first of all, if you try to drive a wedge between you son and his gf A: he's going to resent you for it and B: it will drive him closer to her. I know about this because the first wife of the older of my two brothers was literally a psychohypochondriac[bleep]fromhell. After 5 years of marriage, they were divorced. My bro finally saw the light with very little influence from my parents and the rest of us siblings, but it took him a long time to get over her. Secondly, you need to stand up for yourself. Thirdly, if he's going to marry her, then he needs an apartment and not rent rooms from you and your hubby. If he's going to act like an immature adult then he needs his own place even if he rents a motel room by the week. You don't need to put up with it. Yes, he's your son and she's hurt you, but maybe he will grow up and see the light. Thirdly, I guarentee SHE got him on psych meds because she has an addiction problem. I worked in a jail as a corrections officer. Believe me, you won't believe what these people do to get their fix.
Lorie
Patience is worth a bushel of brains...from a chinese fortune cookie |
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naturemaiden
True Blue Farmgirl
2569 Posts
Connie - Farmgirl #673
Hoosick Falls
NY
USA
2569 Posts |
Posted - Nov 11 2012 : 03:30:06 AM
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Hi everyone,
I wanted to update you all on whats going on since the trouble came down at the end of June. It's actually good!
After the nightmare with my sons girlfriend and my son , I started counseling. I had a breakdown, I had to talk to someone. I was so heartbroken. Counseling has helped. My son DID talk to me after he moved out, and though he did and still is with her, I never even brought up her name whenever I saw him- for the sake of keeping my relationship with him intact. I knew in my heart that in time he'd see things.
As far as his father is concerned and his violent history, we have talked now & then and all has been calm. (never thought that would happen). his father, ralph, would tell me now and again of how joe and brooke would visit him, and how she'd act out. ralph even told joe how she was no good for him.
when joes birthday came on aug 29th, he came for cake...without her, because i still did not allow her here. i took a picture of him with his cake, when i later looked at that pic i could see in his face that something was wrong. i still never said anything to him.
then shortly after he called me one day, he was having trouble with the landlord where he was staying. we had to move him asap. of course we were going to help him. he didnt have hot water, or a bathroom or a kitchen, but he had a slum-lord. because of all the chaos he brought brooke over,i allowed it, with everything going on, what was the point of arguing. i did tell him that SHE would have to be the one to make amends to ME. she did, though i didnt find it sincere. whatever.
when we got to his 'apartment' and i use the term loosely, it was nothing more than an unfinished basement, with curtains up as walls. no heat, no bathroom, etc. it was a mess, garbage everywhere. they were living like pigs. her mother showed up to help. brooke said the plan was to bring their belongings to her mothers house. we did. when we got there her mother was nasty to me. (remember, we never even talked to one another before, she didnt even know me), i gave her a piece of my mind and left. i was not going to stand there and take it. i told her i'm no one's doormat (with an added expletive) :)
anyhow i decided to go back home and not help them anymore. I was not going to allow them to suck me back into their toxic vortex. at first i was angry, but then decided to be happy and not allow her to upset me. soon joe and brooke came back to my house and brooke was apologizing for her mother.
joey and broke soon moved into a normal basement apartment at brookes house. great, now my son has to deal with her mother. but like me, my son wont tolerate much.
fast forward to now. last week joey and brooke were here. they had no power because of hurricane sandy. i was glad to have my son home. i fed them and let them take showers. i tolerate brooke because i want to see my son.
as i mentioned before, since june i havent said one word about brooke to my son, until the other day.
they are sitting in my living room and brooke didnt want to eat what i cooked, ok, who cares. but she started talking to my son very nasty and she had a fit and walked out of my house. she did this right in from of my husband and i.
i looked at my son and told him that he didnt deserve to be treated like that and told him i felt compelled to say it to him.
that's when it happened.....
my son sat there and started talking to me! he just opened up. he told me she is like that everyday, and that he's thinking of leaving her! he told me he sees it all now! he told me he had to see it in his own time. he told me he wants to get off the medicine he's taking, that he doesnt need it. he said his father doesnt like her. he just sees it all. he told me that he told her he is going to leave her.
ever since the june incident when he left, got out on his own and experienced everything, he's been so different with me. it's like he got a rude awakening, and his eyes are opened. i got my joey back :)
i told him he can always come home, but his room is now my office. what to do?
connie
http://www.naturemaiden.com/ - Soap & Candle
http://modern-day-laura.blogspot.com/ -Filled with everything I love!
http://www.thriftyfarmgirl.com/ -Vintage Sewing Machines, Sewing machine parts and more.
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Edited by - naturemaiden on Nov 11 2012 03:34:16 AM |
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Emily Anna
True Blue Farmgirl
863 Posts
Emily
Fort Atkinson
WI
USA
863 Posts |
Posted - Nov 11 2012 : 05:58:26 AM
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Connie,
That's great news! No matter how many times or what you tell someone, they have to learn on their own. So so glad he is finally seeing it for what it is! Be glad it didn't take him too long to figure it out too! Some people go on for years in these toxic relationships. So happy for you that your getting your boy back!
Emily |
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Across the Fence: Heartbroken but now Healed :) JULY UPDATE |
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Heartbroken but now Healed :) JULY UPDATE
