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Family Matters:  Kind Of Hurt  |
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sjmjgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
566 Posts
Stephanie
Mt. Vernon
Iowa
USA
566 Posts |
 Posted - Jun 11 2012 : 10:34:54 AM
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I went to my young cousin's graduation party (high school). We had a good time and was glad to see everybody. My cousin's brother is getting married in two weeks. One of the reasons I went to this party was to finally meet his fiancee. They have been together for two plus years and our side of the family has never met her! She is from the same town as we are, so its not a distance problem. She and her fiancee recently graduated from college in CA, so they have been away during the school year, but home each summer. Well, she brought her mom and her sister with her to this party and didnt speak to anyone in our family besides her soon to be in laws and of course, her fiancee. Strange. She and her fiancee are Baptists (he is going to be a preacher), and from what I understand her family is pretty conservative ( think Duggars).Ours is neither conservative nor Baptist, so I dont know if that is part of it. This plus the fact that none of our side was invited to her bridal shower makes me wonder if: she doesnt want to know us, or if he is somehow ashamed/embarassed of us. Either way it feels pretty hurtful and Im kind of concerned for their marriage because if you dont have your family, then what do you have? My cousin has never excluded us or acted ashamed of us before (and he acted normally during this party and said that he wanted us to have a get together AFTER the wedding to get to know her). What are your thoughts?
Farmgirl Sister # 3810
Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
- Dalai Lama
April is Autism Awareness month. Autism affects 1 in 88 children (1 in 54 boys, including my son). Go to http://www.autismspeaks.org/ to learn more and help Light It Up Blue on April 2nd!
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Emily Anna
True Blue Farmgirl
863 Posts
Emily
Fort Atkinson
WI
USA
863 Posts |
Posted - Jun 11 2012 : 11:10:03 AM
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I would wait and see what happens AFTER the wedding to get a better assessment of the situation. Did you and the cousin see much of each other before he got engaged? Family parties are kind of hard on the person coming into the family because it can be overwhelming and intimidating. Did you make an effort to meet her and she just didn't talk to you??
Maybe they are not trying to exclude anyone....they just have a lot going on....college, a wedding to plan. Unfortunately, it's easy to get so wrapped up with life that it's easy for things get put on the back burner. I wouldn't count on getting to know her at the wedding either. Again, an overwhelming day with a lot of things on their minds. I don't know if you've made an effort to introduce yourself or not, but if not, go up to her with a big smile on your face and strike up a conversation. If she's anything like the Duggars, she has to be a good egg! :)
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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl
7577 Posts
Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7577 Posts |
Posted - Jun 11 2012 : 12:15:12 PM
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Stephanie, maybe they are a little bit socially shy or something? Did anyone go up, introduce themselves and try to start a conversation? My husband's family is HUGE, and it was a bit overwhelming to be plopped smack dab in the middle of a big family the first time I was to meet everyone. I'm fairly outgoing, so introducing myself and striking up conversations wasn't difficult for me, but a lot of people don't have that same kind of personality, that's all. Some of my in-laws were gracious and made sure to welcome me, which was really nice; but if I had not been so outgoing, I would probably have otherwise felt like melting into the wall. I don't think that being conservative makes you introvert or socially awkward, I think, rather, that being super self-conscious or inexperienced in such a setting can be really difficult and intimidating, like Emily said - ESPECIALLY if her fiance didn't realize he needed to take the time to introduce them to everyone. My husband's really bad about that... I think he thinks I know everyone he knows through osmosis or something. Please try not to feel bad or hold it against them - I'm sure it was just all so new to them, that's all. I wouldn't read much into it, honest. - Nini
Farmgirl Sister #1974
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
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Edited by - Ninibini on Jun 11 2012 12:20:11 PM |
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crafter
True Blue Farmgirl
2313 Posts
lori
Fort Atkinson
Wisconsin
USA
2313 Posts |
Posted - Jun 11 2012 : 12:18:21 PM
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Emily...you are so smart!!!
Gernerosity is giving more than you can, and pride is taking less than you need! |
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sjmjgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
566 Posts
Stephanie
Mt. Vernon
Iowa
USA
566 Posts |
Posted - Jun 11 2012 : 12:55:06 PM
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Yes someone did try to introduce themselves to his fiancee. Maybe she is shy but that doesnt explain why we werent invited to the bridal shower. We didnt even know about it until it was already starting! Then again, i have wondered if that didnt have something to do with my aunt. She doesnt always get along with the family and i think the invites were left up to her. I wouldnt give it a second thought exept for that it made my 84 year old grandma cry. I dont know. Maybe i should just forget about it and see what happens.
Farmgirl Sister # 3810
Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
- Dalai Lama
April is Autism Awareness month. Autism affects 1 in 88 children (1 in 54 boys, including my son). Go to http://www.autismspeaks.org/ to learn more and help Light It Up Blue on April 2nd!
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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl
7577 Posts
Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7577 Posts |
Posted - Jun 11 2012 : 1:13:24 PM
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Well, I can see why you'd be a little hurt, Stephanie. I personally take the approach to invite everyone so nobody is hurt, and then, in turn, I don't have hard feelings if people can't or simply don't come. Not everyone sees it that way, though. Maybe you're right - maybe your aunt interfered. OR maybe they just didn't invite you all because they don't know you, and figured that you all would probably have your own family shower if you were so inclined. It's also possible that, with the economy the way it is, they maybe just can't afford a big shower with extended family. Who knows? Would you feel comfortable calling your cousin and asking him to relay to his future in-laws that you all would love to participate in the shower, if possible? It feels like a no-win situation, but maybe one phone call could rectify the whole thing, you know? I feel bad it made your grandma cry, though. Nobody should ever forget about a grandma's heart! >:( Hang in there - if there's a way to make lemonade here, I am sure you all will figure out how to do so! :) Hugs - Nini
Farmgirl Sister #1974
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
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delicia
True Blue Farmgirl
917 Posts
delicia
cincinnati
ohio
USA
917 Posts |
Posted - Jun 11 2012 : 2:29:06 PM
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Stephanie, was it a shower for her faimil or were others invited? Maybe you should try and call her and just say that you did not get to speak with her very much at the party because of so many people. Invite her to coffee or lunch and get to know her one on one. She is a young girl just starting out so give her the benefit of the doubt. I am Baptist and will talk to anyone at any time so it is not a Baptist thing that we don't speak to people. I say that you never know what has been said outside by others so go to the girl with an open heart and mind. Maybe take your 84 year old grandma with you.
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LuckyMommyof5
True Blue Farmgirl
500 Posts
Suzanne
OH
USA
500 Posts |
Posted - Jun 15 2012 : 05:47:24 AM
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Stephanie - I agree with everyone else that although everything you have pointed could seem pretty hurtful, maybe it was not done maliciously or with some intent at excluding anyone. Last year, I (and several other family members) got invited to THREE separate bridal showers thrown for a VERY distant cousin of my husband's that no one on his side of the family had heard from in about 5 years. None of us even knew she was engaged! None of us had so much as gotten a Christmas card from her or her mother in forever. This sounds mean, but I didn't end up going because I felt offended that the first time we heard from her in years was to be invited to bring her gifts (and none of these were surprise showers, so I have to think she and her mom developed the guest list). Was this a bad choice on my part? I sometimes think it was - maybe they were just reaching out and I took it the wrong way.
But, getting back to your concern, I think before you really form an opinion one way or another, you should reach out and try to befriend her. Maybe she does feel overwhelmed entering a new family. Maybe there is something else going on in her life that no one knows about. Of course, maybe what you fear is true and she has little interest in bonding with her in-laws. I just think it's too early to tell, but if you extend yourself and try to get to know her, you will at least know you made the effort.
Farmgirl Sister #3243
"The real things haven't changed. It is still best to be honest and truthful; to make the most of what we have; to be happy with simple pleasures; and have courage when things go wrong." - Laura Ingalls Wilder |
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Bear5
True Blue Farmgirl
13055 Posts
Louisiana/Texas
USA
13055 Posts |
Posted - Jun 18 2012 : 8:22:52 PM
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Emily and Nini have good thoughts and ideas. I agree with both of them. After reading your post, the first thing I thought of was the girl must be shy. Good luck. Keep us posted.
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
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Jeanna
True Blue Farmgirl
267 Posts
Jeanna
Franklin
NC
USA
267 Posts |
Posted - Jun 19 2012 : 06:57:22 AM
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I really won't be too hurt by it. She was probably overwhelmed by the amount of people there and not knowing almost everyone, I know I would probably do the same-thing. I know, being raised Southern Baptist that even at church dinners everyone seems to end up sitting with mostly just their families. I agree that maybe you might need to make the first move to establish a relationship with her. Maybe wait until after the wedding so that she won't have so much on her mind. Just a thought.
Jeanna
Farmgirl Sister #41
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined.
Henry David Thoreau |
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Rosemary
True Blue Farmgirl
1825 Posts
Virginia
USA
1825 Posts |
Posted - Jun 20 2012 : 3:44:16 PM
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| I agree that this is something you don't need to worry about too much. And yes, do indeed reach out to this young woman. The one-on-one idea is perfect. Also, I'm thinking that brides don't usually plan their own showers so don't hold it against her that you weren't invited. It could be that the people who threw the shower didn't even know about you and didn't have the social wherewithal to ask her or her fiancé to make some suggestions. |
Edited by - Rosemary on Jun 20 2012 3:45:47 PM |
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Family Matters: Kind Of Hurt |
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Kind Of Hurt
