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Parenting & Farm Kids:  help with my 16 yr old  |
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pnickols
True Blue Farmgirl
808 Posts
Patricia
Parma
Ohio
808 Posts |
 Posted - Jun 01 2012 : 5:42:28 PM
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| on top of all the other stuff going on in my life, I came across a facebook conversation on my sons page. yes I know I violated his so called privacy but it's my house and my computer. the language was so disgusting and the references to some girls in school and sex and stuff really disturb me. We have had this issue before and I took the computer away for a while, talked about the respect for himself and the girls, his image , peer pressure, he just does not get it. He seems unable to not bend to the pressure from these friends to be like this. he is in a charter school with kids from the inner city as well as the suburbs. He is finishing his sophomore year of high school and I am seriously considering home school for the next two years. His grades are poor, he is not working up to potential, fails to turn in assignments, does not ask for help no matter how many times we ask,he has been suspended once and has two detentions this year. none of my other three were anything like this. he likes to say I'm not like them like he's proud of it and uses it as an excuse. I don't know what else to do. He has a very slim chance of getting into a college and to tell you the truth I don't trust him to not just go wild if we let him live on campus. any advice would be much appreciated. thanks |
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oldbittyhen
True Blue Farmgirl
1511 Posts
tina
quartz hill
ca
USA
1511 Posts |
Posted - Jun 01 2012 : 6:50:58 PM
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try to find a teen counsling group run by a former bad teen who saw the light, but can still talk the talk to the kids, it might take several weeks for the counsler to make a break thru, but don't give up. You will not be able to participate, but your son has a better chance without mom and dad there, opening up to the group. He's at a tuff age, and there is sooo many pressures out there, he is talking smack to his friends cause thats how they talk, and thats how he fits in, whether it be right or wrong, right now, the more you take from him, the more he will rebel, and comparing him to his siblings is a mistake (I worked with at risk teens for 12 yrs), if you would like to talk privately, shoot me an email
"Knowlege is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad" |
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FaithfulchickWI
Farmgirl in Training
20 Posts
Callie
Orfordville
WI
20 Posts |
Posted - Jun 01 2012 : 6:57:19 PM
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| This is got to be a stressful situation to be in. I think the idea of changing schools seems like a good bet. If he is in a positive/more challenging environment then his attitude (grades,ect) might change. Does he have a strong male role model in his life? Maybe that is someone who might have a positive infulence on your son. I hope that things get better for you |
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Farmer Judy
True Blue Farmgirl
433 Posts
Judy
North Aurora
IL
USA
433 Posts |
Posted - Jun 02 2012 : 11:08:29 AM
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If he is nor involved with church get him there. Have him around you and your husband to see how relationships are supose to work. Get him counseling. Home school if you need to even during the summer to show him how involved you are willing to be with him and how much he realy matters to you. My husband always tells my boys "don't tell me, show me" and it has made a difference over the years when we do the same to them. Have him involved with your life and your husbands life and hobbies too. Connect him to both of you like never before. Find out what he really likes and find ways to get that into your lives too. Watch the movie Courageous, it made a difference to me. Good luck and God bless.
Mother of three DD 23, DS15, DS 13.
God bless,
Judy
Farmgirl #3666
Born a city girl but a farm girl at heart!
http://farmtimes.blogspot.com/ |
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sjmjgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
566 Posts
Stephanie
Mt. Vernon
Iowa
USA
566 Posts |
Posted - Jun 02 2012 : 3:03:55 PM
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I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I agree that some counseling would probably help. Maybe having an honest, non confrontational talk about what is going on with him lately and asking him how you can help wouldn't hurt either. Honestly, It seems to me that homeschooling (which i think is a good option for many kids) may just create more problems at this point. Maybe wait and see how the summer goes? As far as Facebook and Internet, if it were my son, I would say that if he abuses it, he loses it. He's shown that he can't handle the responsibility right now. That stuff is permanent and can have severe consequences if seen by certain people (ie: future bosses, teachers, other parents). I'll be thinking about you and your son. Let us know how it's going.
Farmgirl Sister # 3810
Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
- Dalai Lama
April is Autism Awareness month. Autism affects 1 in 88 children (1 in 54 boys, including my son). Go to http://www.autismspeaks.org/ to learn more and help Light It Up Blue on April 2nd!
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SpyChicken
True Blue Farmgirl
436 Posts
Christine
Fond du Lac
WI
USA
436 Posts |
Posted - Jun 02 2012 : 3:32:40 PM
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I agree with Stephanie that a frank, non-confrontational talk might help...something is clearly going on & maybe it would be good if both of you could just put the cards on the table. I also agree that you may have to limit or retract facebook/internet priveleges. Try and take one day at a time and keep us posted. Best of luck to you & your son...
Farm Girl Hugs,
Christine |
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pnickols
True Blue Farmgirl
808 Posts
Patricia
Parma
Ohio
808 Posts |
Posted - Jun 02 2012 : 5:13:40 PM
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| my husband and I just had a calm, non confrontational talk with him, laid out the evidence we had, asked for explanations. He admitted to smoking marijuana at his friends house. I have taken away facebook, cell phone and will talk to his high school counselor for added advice. He was told this is the last chance, he told me I was right, that the things he has done was to be seen as cool to the guys. so we talked and I mean he talked and I talked which is important for him to open up with us. He was told yes he messed up but he then needs to learn from it and grow and move on. everyone messes up. I hope this time we are getting through to him. life does throw the curveball doesn't it |
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rphelps4
True Blue Farmgirl
620 Posts
roxanna
westport
indiana
USA
620 Posts |
Posted - Jun 02 2012 : 5:43:24 PM
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| Patricia, I am so sorry, with everything that is going on in your lives right now, that you are now burden with this. I am sure all of the stress in your life has also taken it's toll on your son too. Peer pressure is such a powerful thing and every young person whats to fit in and a lot of them lose their way, but thank God he has good parents to help him find his way. I work with several young people and I am amazed with how little morals they have been raised with. Put this one in the God box and the answers will come, stay strong girl and kept enforcing that tough love. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Roxanna |
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pnickols
True Blue Farmgirl
808 Posts
Patricia
Parma
Ohio
808 Posts |
Posted - Jun 02 2012 : 6:01:59 PM
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| thank you Roxanne, we did bring up the stress on the family right now and if he needs to talk to us or to a teacher or counselor at school he should do that. I went upstairs to see if he was ok, we talked a bit more, he thinks I see him as a failure, geez this is tough, but he came downstairs to watch TV with us so I take that as a positive sign |
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txfarmgirl
Farmgirl in Training
10 Posts
Berte
Caldwell
Texas
10 Posts |
Posted - Jun 02 2012 : 6:30:02 PM
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Patricia, I feel like I need to respond to this only because I'm now having to deal with teenage boy issues. My husband and I now have our almost 15 yr old grandson living with us because of behavioral issues in and out of school/home. Sad to say, his father has so many issues stemming from his father's murder years ago that is now affecting his oldest. God has placed him with us so,hopefully, a fresh start will give him a chance. As far as "nosing into his business" on the computer, we have an obligation to our children to rear them up and protect them until they go off on their own. If we do not know everything going on, we are not fully protecting them. Maybe it seems I'm a little bold in this but it's all a matter of trust between all parties. Because my grandson has been in so much trouble at school and is now here, we've sat him down and explained that we will be monitoring him. He is not allowed to get on any electronic device (unless we're present) and everything is password protected. He is so glad to be out of the former environment, that I think he's welcoming this. Personally, I would hate to be a kid in high school today. I feel so bad for what these kids have to endure. As far as school, I plan on homeschooling him this fall. I don't think it would be fair to subject him back to public school. He's no where near ready. It would be like feeding him to the wolves. I also think living here on the farm is helping. He has chores and animals depending on him and no slack time to sit on electronics. I pray that everything goes well for you and your son. All this support and input on this forum is uplifting.
Blessings,
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Edited by - txfarmgirl on Jun 02 2012 6:49:30 PM |
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rphelps4
True Blue Farmgirl
620 Posts
roxanna
westport
indiana
USA
620 Posts |
Posted - Jun 02 2012 : 7:01:22 PM
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| I think that is very positive anytime a 16 year whats to be around us old folks!LOL You know I don't why but kids somehow think what goes on in their parents life is somehow their fault.Maybe now that the door is open between you guys you can help get though this, I agree with Berte being a kid now in this day and age is so much more difficult. Roxanna |
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SpyChicken
True Blue Farmgirl
436 Posts
Christine
Fond du Lac
WI
USA
436 Posts |
Posted - Jun 02 2012 : 8:33:50 PM
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| I'm glad that the talk seems to have done some good! If he feels out of control, then you've kept the door of communication open and that is half the battle. From there, together you can get him back on track. I give you a lot of credit for handling the situation calmly and productively...I definitely think you are on the right track. Stay strong-16 is tough especially nowadays, but I think your son will see that you are doing what is best for him. |
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MagnoliaWhisper
True Blue Farmgirl
2817 Posts
Heather
Haysville
Kansas
USA
2817 Posts |
Posted - Jun 02 2012 : 9:38:14 PM
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Personally I think you have good ideas, you have to be the biggest role model in theirs lives. I probably would home school too....take away pc for sure. My husband has a co-worker that went to get a job on the police dept and was told no, because of the pics he had on facebook. Thank goodness my husband has never been goofy enough to post crazy pics (although we don't do anything crazy either!).
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
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txfarmgirl
Farmgirl in Training
10 Posts
Berte
Caldwell
Texas
10 Posts |
Posted - Jun 03 2012 : 04:36:08 AM
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| Christine, you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned talking calmly. That is so hard to do in the heat of the moment but it's clearly the most effective. Patricia, I admire you too for talking directly to him and being non-confrontational about it. These kids are craving love and attention. I truly believe that teenagers (especially boys with all their curiosity) these days are no different than teenagers back in my day...they are just blasted with so much filth that is so easily accessible. We've got to love them through it. |
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annielaurel
True Blue Farmgirl
912 Posts
nancy
fernandina beach
florida
USA
912 Posts |
Posted - Jun 03 2012 : 05:33:08 AM
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I am praying for you all. You have received very good advice for all these Farmgirls. Be sure to hug your son and tell him you love him for who he is. Tell him he does not have to be like his siblings. The most important thing I can tell you is to listen, listen, listen. Also, remain calm when talking with him and do more listening than talking. Let him tell you about what is on his mind.
I made the mistake with my son when he was a teenager of too much lecturing and not keeping calm. He has suffered greatly from it and so have I. Remember time will pass and he will grow up. The language thing is from peer presure.
Nancy
Farmgirl Sister #2301
Make everyday a celebration of the heart. |
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melody
True Blue Farmgirl
3318 Posts
Melody
The Great North Woods in the Land of Hiawatha
USA
3318 Posts |
Posted - Jun 03 2012 : 05:41:57 AM
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Reading these posts made me think of a line from a movie:
"When you stop hearing "Yes Sir" and "Yes Mam" the rest is soon to follow."
I believe that it all begins with RESPECT and ACCOUNTABILITY. Something that is sorely lacking in today's society.
You can only do what you can do. It will be an effort for both you and your son that will take a considerable amount of time, patience and love.
I too have a 16-year old son one of 3 sons I have raised and it can be a real challenge with him being bombarded with outside influences.
Good luck and stay strong!
Melody
Farmgirl #525 |
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pnickols
True Blue Farmgirl
808 Posts
Patricia
Parma
Ohio
808 Posts |
Posted - Jun 03 2012 : 07:23:43 AM
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| I found out late last night that this has been going on longer than we thought, I feel stupid for not connecting the dots sooner, so disappointed in all the lies he has told us over the last school year but no more.....we will be talking more tonight and I am going in to the school tomorrow because they need to know what's going on in their building, these kids need help. one friend (?) is talking pain pills and marijuana from his father and I do not know if the father knows or not. for now no phone, no facebook, no leaving the house without us and then the underlying reasons and emotional things he brought up need to be addressed. I would not be a teenager now if you gave me a million bucks ! things are soo complicated and there is so much pressure |
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rphelps4
True Blue Farmgirl
620 Posts
roxanna
westport
indiana
USA
620 Posts |
Posted - Jun 03 2012 : 07:52:38 AM
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| Patricia, don't beat yourself, until you are confronted with something like this you don't realize how bad things are out there.The schools kind of have their hands tied, they can only do so much, because of the lack of parents that just don't care. I have known kids that their parents bought the pot from them, just to keep them out of their hair, can you believe it.Respect is so lacking in the young people, as I told you before I see this so much at work. My kids would tell their friends don't talk to my mom the way you talk to yours or she might back hand you!I had a cna at work yell at me and tell me he wasn't going to do what I had told him, when we went to the office he yell at the boss and told her he wasn't going to do either! I told my boss do you really think he is going to show respect the residents if he talks to us like that, so he no longer has a job. Good luck and just keep talking. Just remember a lot of parents think their children don't do anything wrong, and some how turn it back on your child, it's so much harder to care and try to raise your child right, a lot pf parents aren't going to put in the effort. Roxanna |
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sjmjgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
566 Posts
Stephanie
Mt. Vernon
Iowa
USA
566 Posts |
Posted - Jun 03 2012 : 08:47:00 AM
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Patricia, it sounds like you are on the right track. I think you are doing a great job. I would also let the school know that if nothing is done, you will call that father yourself and let him know what is happening. And I certainly would not let those two kids hang out together, at least for a while.
Farmgirl Sister # 3810
Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
- Dalai Lama
April is Autism Awareness month. Autism affects 1 in 88 children (1 in 54 boys, including my son). Go to http://www.autismspeaks.org/ to learn more and help Light It Up Blue on April 2nd!
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pnickols
True Blue Farmgirl
808 Posts
Patricia
Parma
Ohio
808 Posts |
Posted - Jun 03 2012 : 10:39:32 AM
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| thansk it just helps to talk, my hubby says if the school can't do anything we should talk to the police about this father. I told my son if I did not love him I would turn a blind eye to this, because he is important and I love him I will step in and help him get back on track and I will |
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rphelps4
True Blue Farmgirl
620 Posts
roxanna
westport
indiana
USA
620 Posts |
Posted - Jun 03 2012 : 11:02:17 AM
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| I have complete faith you and your husband will do the right thing. Someday all the hardships you and your family are going though will have meaning, and you will all be stronger for it. Roxanna |
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erowease
True Blue Farmgirl
294 Posts
Lesley
Edmonds
wa
USA
294 Posts |
Posted - Jun 03 2012 : 6:07:49 PM
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Since we came up with a written contract with our teen about expected behaviors and rules of the house and the associated penalties which was all negotiated with our teen, things have been at least tolerable. We tried to explain that we understood the peer pressure etc. and that he was now approaching adulthood we had to allow him to make his choices but he has to understand that every decision/choice he makes there is either a positive or negative impact. We always try to explain why we have the rules we have, and also have had to give him guidance on how some of his friends do not have his best interests in mind. Its a matter of finding the balance of being the parent but also allowing them some freedom. It can be tough. They key is not take drastic measures otherwise you risk loosing him completely. All we can do is pray that he survives this without impacting his life long term.
Lesley
#2950
"I see God in the eyes of every child...every life is precious to God, whatever the circumstances." Mother Teresa |
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pnickols
True Blue Farmgirl
808 Posts
Patricia
Parma
Ohio
808 Posts |
Posted - Jun 04 2012 : 4:43:19 PM
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| he came to me yesterday and asked for help getting back on track, I hope he is sincere, I'm going to assume he is. I did talk to his school. I am concerned for his friend who is stealing pain killers and weed from his father. and since he cannot go on facebook he is playing games with his older brother |
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txfarmgirl
Farmgirl in Training
10 Posts
Berte
Caldwell
Texas
10 Posts |
Posted - Jun 05 2012 : 04:32:42 AM
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| Sounds like you're stepping in the right direction. Right now, I think that's a major step. |
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FieldsofThyme
Farmgirl Guide & Schoolmarm / Chapter Leader
4928 Posts
USA
4928 Posts |
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pnickols
True Blue Farmgirl
808 Posts
Patricia
Parma
Ohio
808 Posts |
Posted - Jun 12 2012 : 12:14:50 PM
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| I'm not sure I'm going to give it back to him. when I looked on his page it was disgusting language, pictures of girls in their underwear and swimsuits ( mothers where are you !) just turned my stomach. they just don't realize what they are doing |
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Parenting & Farm Kids: help with my 16 yr old |
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help with my 16 yr old
