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Parenting & Farm Kids:  should I say something?  |
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LuckyMommyof5
True Blue Farmgirl
500 Posts
Suzanne
OH
USA
500 Posts |
 Posted - Jan 29 2012 : 10:58:56 AM
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I am having a bit of a dilemma and thought I would bring it to the Farmgirls for advice.
I have a SAHM mom friend I've known for about a year and a half now and she is a sweet, wonderful person and a great mom.
She has two adorable little girls, ages 4 and a little over 2. About 6 months ago her 4 year old started getting up every night, waking up her little sister (they share a room) and then going into her parents room to wake them up. My friend thought the best way to react to this was to get up with them, play with them (she said this was in an effort to "wear them out") and then read to them and put them back to bed. The whole process would take several hours.
Pretty soon, her older daughter went from doing this once a night to two or three times a night and my friend started getting as little sleep a night as she did when her girls were newborns. In turn, she began putting them down for naps at 9 am every day so she could get some sleep. The mom was so tired (and her daughters sleepy from being up all night) they all started sleeping sometimes from 9 until well into the afternoon. When she gets them up, they play for awhile, she does bathtime and tries to give them an early dinner (which they both refuse to eat) and then puts them to bed early. She says they now wake her up at midnight crying how hungry they are and she heats up their dinner and sits with them, then they refuse to go back to sleep for hours. She told me she can get them back to bed for a little bit, but they wake back up and she feels she needs to put them back down at 9 or so for naps. Then it all starts over again - day after day.
This crazy schedule means that basically my friend and her daughters can no longer attend the preschool dance classes we used to do together, hardly leave the house ever and can't do playdates anymore because they are all sleeping all day and up all night. When I asked my friend what she was doing to stop this cycle, she said, "What am I supposed to do? I tell them to stop and they won't. I can't scream at them. They are too little to punish."
I can tell she's miserable, and her daughters are just missing out on everything because of their "night owl" behavior being allowed to continue.
I really want to just tell her flat out that this is nuts and she needs to stop this for her own sanity and family well-being, but I'm worried about how she will react. Also, the one time I tried to hint that she seemed unhappy and needed to do something about it she got very defensive and angry and I backed off and changed the subject.
Should I try to really confront her? And if so, what should I say?
I'm not concerned about this because I think she's a bad mom (she is a very loving mom!), I just feel that as a friend I see her and her family really struggling and want to help.
What should I do?
Farmgirl Sister #3243
"The real things haven't changed. It is still best to be honest and truthful; to make the most of what we have; to be happy with simple pleasures; and have courage when things go wrong." - Laura Ingalls Wilder |
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farmmilkmama
True Blue Farmgirl
2027 Posts
Amy
Central MN
USA
2027 Posts |
Posted - Jan 29 2012 : 3:22:38 PM
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That is a tough one. It's obvious to you (and probably anyone else who deals with her) that she's worked herself into a spot that she needs to work herself out of. I'm sure she's not doing these things because she's a "bad mom" but more that she really thinks she's doing the best things for her children. You can find places all over the internet and in parenting groups to support whatever way you choose to raise your kids - its amazing. And so there are probably people out there who would tell her that she's doing just fine and she's just got to be patient and things will turn around. (!!!)
Its hard when you see a friend struggling but you know they aren't going to be open to any suggestions or will take offense to whatever you say. But if she's already nutty and insane from the craziness at her house, it might not matter WHAT you say or HOW you say it. It's probably best to just tell it like it is (because eventually she will figure out that the current set up HAS to change) but I know that can be so hard if the people aren't ready to hear it! Good luck! I know you're coming from a place of love and care...let's just hope she's in a place to listen! :)
--* FarmMilkMama *--
Farmgirl Sister #1086
Be yourself.
Everyone else is already taken.
-Oscar Wilde
www.farmfoodmama.blogspot.com
www.thehmmmschoolingmom.blogspot.com |
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oldbittyhen
True Blue Farmgirl
1511 Posts
tina
quartz hill
ca
USA
1511 Posts |
Posted - Jan 29 2012 : 5:22:17 PM
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She really needs her friend right now, you need to sit down with her (and no kids) and help her work out a plan to put everyone back on a normal schedual, she is going to need someone there to help slowly shorten the day naps, and get the 3 main meals of the day back where they belong. Also has she spoke to her Doctor, and/or her childrens doctors, make sure her husband is on board, and supports all that needs to be done...good luck
"Knowlege is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad" |
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MagnoliaWhisper
True Blue Farmgirl
2817 Posts
Heather
Haysville
Kansas
USA
2817 Posts |
Posted - Jan 29 2012 : 5:30:27 PM
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Personally I wouldn't get involved in it unless she asks for your suggestions. I think she is probably crazy from lack of sleep, but unless she is looking for answers she probably won't take confrontation on it well.
One thing I found to help my kids sleep better during the night. Is lots of fresh air during the day, no tv, or anything like TV, something about it really hops up my kids. Even light. You may want to direct her to Dr. Oz, he has a lot of good ideas about sleep. (the no tv, the no lights etc). When she gets up with them if she turns on lights, she is lowering their seritonin that their body naturally will make to help them sleep, and that is what is keeping them up at night. It's better for their health to keep the lights off and even to make sure to use very dark colored sheets and blankets, no lights with clocks or radios even. All those things disturb the seretonin and sleep! Dr oz is respected by a lot of people so maybe just directing her to some of his links on sleep alone may help.
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
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LuckyMommyof5
True Blue Farmgirl
500 Posts
Suzanne
OH
USA
500 Posts |
Posted - Jan 29 2012 : 5:52:48 PM
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Thanks Amy, Tina and Heather. I can see you all understand my concern and my dilemma.
She complains to me a lot about what is going on and what a toll it is taking on the family, but if I try to hint that maybe she should change her tactics, she bristles. I haven't REALLY laid it on the line - only HINTED. I know for a fact her husband thinks what's going on is crazy and he wanted to take a zero tolerance policy stance on the "night owl" routine, but she said he was being "mean" and wouldn't let him intervene. So, he just refuses to get up with her and their daughters anymore at night.
I know she likes to turn on "kid TV" whenever her girls are up, no matter what time or even if they are interested in watching it. I also know her kids are getting no fresh air or any kind of out-of-the-house activities anymore because they are mainly awake from midnight to 4 or 5 am. Then they go to sleep for an hour or two, get back up and go back to sleep from 9 am to mid/late afternoon.
Without directly addressing this I tried suggesting numerous daytime activities with us (I even offered to drive because I have enough space in my van for her girls and my youngest two while the older ones are at school), telling her it would help to "wear them out" and get them back to daytime activity and night tiredness. She turned me down and said she "couldn't risk" having them get tired and crabby away from home. I got her to come out once and one of her girls simply yawned and she panicked and said we had to immediately leave (I'm not exaggerating).
Heather, I do partly feel like maybe it isn't my business to really tell her what I think, but at the same time I feel bad as a friend (and fellow mom) to hear her crying to me about this and NOT point out that this just can't go on. I agree with you totally about Dr. Oz's good thoughts on sleep habits.
I don't want to lose her is a friend, but I care about her so much I just hate to see her in such a struggle and not give her some "tough love" that may not be what she WANTS to hear, but may be just what she NEEDS.
Farmgirl Sister #3243
"The real things haven't changed. It is still best to be honest and truthful; to make the most of what we have; to be happy with simple pleasures; and have courage when things go wrong." - Laura Ingalls Wilder |
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MagnoliaWhisper
True Blue Farmgirl
2817 Posts
Heather
Haysville
Kansas
USA
2817 Posts |
Posted - Jan 30 2012 : 12:03:07 AM
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I wonder what she plans on doing when they go to school? Hmm. I hate it though cause I personally have a hard time with sleep as well. I did as a kid too, and I think it was too much TV. My step dad was disabled and loved tv. So we watched it a lot. I think I would of slept better with out it. I know I sleep great when camping and all that when I was growing up.
Maybe you could some how direct her to a dr....she obviously is going crazy if she went nuts about a yawn.
Personally though I have never heard of such a mother that would stay up to play with this age of kids, instead of just putting them back to bed. Sounds so odd to me. That obviously I would think she has to have more underlying issues that you/we don't know about, is all I can think.
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
Posted - Jan 30 2012 : 05:08:15 AM
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Maybe offer to have the kids over for a sleep over if you have similar aged kids? It might be a horrible night for you, but maybe she just needs a night of good solid sleep? Although it sounds like she probably wouldn't accept since at this point it sounds like she is defensive about it no matter what you do. I have a friend who's baby stays up really late. I tried talking with her about it but even though she said she doensn't like it- it still happens. But when he started having to go to preschool due to her job and his age I think the sleep schedule started getting more on track.
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
www.allergyjourneys.blogspot.com
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farmmilkmama
True Blue Farmgirl
2027 Posts
Amy
Central MN
USA
2027 Posts |
Posted - Jan 30 2012 : 06:01:28 AM
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Wow - she kind of sounds like my sister now, wanting to complain about what is going on but getting mad when someone suggests a solution. I'm sure she's in a rough spot, half crazy from lack of sleep. I would have thought when hubby said it was nuts and wouldn't get up with her anymore she would have got a clue...but like I said, you can find SOMEWHERE on the internet or in a parenting group that will tell you that NOT getting up with them is mean. (Not the philosophy I subscribe to, but anyway...)
If you continue to hint at helpful suggestions and she's not hearing it, it might just take her hitting bottom before she realizes she has to do something. You know, one of those mean things like telling your kids to go back to bed. I get that not all kids need as much sleep (I have one son who can survive on very little) but he's not allowed to disturb the entire house if he's awake!
--* FarmMilkMama *--
Farmgirl Sister #1086
Be yourself.
Everyone else is already taken.
-Oscar Wilde
www.farmfoodmama.blogspot.com
www.thehmmmschoolingmom.blogspot.com |
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texdane
Farmgirl Legend Chapter Leader Chapter Guru
4658 Posts
Nicole
Sandy Hook
CT
USA
4658 Posts |
Posted - Jan 30 2012 : 06:04:07 AM
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Wow. I agree with Heather, that you probably should not get involved unless she asks, but from what you say even if you do try to help she bristles and will not take your advice anyhow. I think what she is doing is enabling those kids to rule the roost and they won't stop until she takes a stand. She may be enabling them because she can then complain about how tired she is, etc., feeding a need she has for attention (and she may not even realize she is doing it). Those kiddos aren't going to sleep at night if they are sleeping all day!
If she comes to you for help, then I think I would tell her straight. Good luck!
Nicole
Farmgirl Sister #1155
KNITTER, JAM-MAKER AND MOM EXTRAORDINAIRE
Chapter Leader, Connecticut Simpler Life Sisters
Suburban Farmgirl Blogger
http://sfgblog.maryjanesfarm.org/ |
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RosesAreRed
True Blue Farmgirl
62 Posts
Laurie
Lehigh Acres
Fl
USA
62 Posts |
Posted - Jan 30 2012 : 06:40:41 AM
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This is mean.. but tell her you don't want to hear about it, unless she is willing to do something about it. Tough love. I feel bad for the whole family. None of that is healthy.
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LuckyMommyof5
True Blue Farmgirl
500 Posts
Suzanne
OH
USA
500 Posts |
Posted - Jan 30 2012 : 08:36:47 AM
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Thanks for weighing in on this, too, Alee, Nicole and Laurie. My problem is I agree with all of you who think I SHOULD say something, and everyone who also said I should keep mum and wait for her to directly ask. I have even thought of what you said, Laurie, about just refusing to be an audience for her complaints about this anymore.
I know that right now even if I tell her my true, no-holds-barred opinion of her situation and what she should do about it (from my point of view), she is unlikely to take it with an open mind or see it as remotely valid. It's just really hard to stand by and watch her and her daughters basically become shut-ins over this (since they all stay in all night while they are up and then sleep inside all day!)
I agree completely that I can't at all see how she thinks her girls can sleep for sometimes 5 hours at a shot during the day and then still have any hope that they will sleep any significant amount of time at night. But, as I wrote, the few times I even hinted that maybe she should try getting them out and active during the day instead of letting them sleep all day, she got very upset at me even mentioning the idea. I thought it was an obvious piece of advice!
I think I may just need to sit back and wait until she really gets to her breaking point and hope that she really asks me for a strategy.
She is a very sweet person and a devoted mom, but she has always told me she can't stand for her girls to be "upset" with her or to cry. I don't know about all you mom Farmgirls, but if I held with that belief my girls would be tearing the house apart and running through the neighborhood in nothing but PJs. No matter how much I dislike it, I realized a long time ago that sometimes tough love with your kids is the best thing you can do for them. Not that you need to take a hard line on everything, of course, but you really know when to draw the line on things and not back down.
I wonder how long she's going to let this go on for.
Farmgirl Sister #3243
"The real things haven't changed. It is still best to be honest and truthful; to make the most of what we have; to be happy with simple pleasures; and have courage when things go wrong." - Laura Ingalls Wilder |
Edited by - LuckyMommyof5 on Jan 30 2012 08:38:49 AM |
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buggysmum
True Blue Farmgirl
110 Posts
Shelly
110 Posts |
Posted - Jan 30 2012 : 09:03:16 AM
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I agree with Heather --- don't get involved unless she asks, or else you are risking losing a good friend...not that she doesn't want help, because clearly she does if she mentions it to you at all, but in her sleep-deprived state, she might react negatively...
I think it is a better idea to "steer" her in positive directions....when she mentions it next time, ask if she has spoken to the pediatrician...or her own doctor? Ask her if she has seen the info from Dr. Oz that Heather also mentioned, if getting outside during the day for some exercise and fresh air helps, etc....all positive reinforcement rather than saying that what she is doing is nuts (or something in that vein).
Sleep deprivation can do terrible things to a brain...she does need help, but it's HOW you do it that's going to matter.
Maybe somebody here on the board can suggest some good books on kids and sleep? |
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LuckyMommyof5
True Blue Farmgirl
500 Posts
Suzanne
OH
USA
500 Posts |
Posted - Jan 30 2012 : 10:12:48 AM
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Oh, and Heather, I wanted to mention I've never heard of another mom or family being like this either - especially for this long! Most especially the part about re-heating the dinner at midnight that they refused to eat at 5 or 6 p.m. and then staying up with them until 4 or 5 a.m. After that! Believe me, between working as a babysitter in my teens and early twenties, and then becoming a mom at 26 and meetings lots of other moms, I've seen some wild stuff and strange routines and weird parenting philosophies. But, never anything so bizarre in this way.
I frankly don't know how she can stand not leaving her house for 5 days at a time (she usually waits to grocery shop on the weekends when her husband is home). Or how she can possibly think it's good that her girls are in all the time. I've started to worry my friend has almost become borderline agoraphobic and doesn't want to leave the house, so she uses this situation to stay in as much as possible. It really has me worried.
Farmgirl Sister #3243
"The real things haven't changed. It is still best to be honest and truthful; to make the most of what we have; to be happy with simple pleasures; and have courage when things go wrong." - Laura Ingalls Wilder |
Edited by - LuckyMommyof5 on Jan 30 2012 10:19:11 AM |
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sjmjgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
566 Posts
Stephanie
Mt. Vernon
Iowa
USA
566 Posts |
Posted - Jan 30 2012 : 11:25:19 AM
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Oh boy, how tough that is. Maybe you should try talking with her hubby about this. Let him know that lack of sleep can cause all sorts of health problems and that you feel she may be making herself and the girls sick. Offer to set up a time where you and her hubby can talk with her together about this. This can't continue. I have feeling that something major may happen soon, if someone doesn't do something. Good luck!
Farmgirl Sister # 3810
Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
- Dalai Lama |
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buggysmum
True Blue Farmgirl
110 Posts
Shelly
110 Posts |
Posted - Jan 30 2012 : 2:14:34 PM
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| Can this possibly be considered a manifestation of post-partum depression? I know it isn't limited to the weeks and months after birth only. |
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FarmDream
True Blue Farmgirl
1085 Posts
Julie
TX
USA
1085 Posts |
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oldbittyhen
True Blue Farmgirl
1511 Posts
tina
quartz hill
ca
USA
1511 Posts |
Posted - Jan 30 2012 : 3:36:56 PM
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The more I read, the more I am getting very concerned for your friend, kids and hubby...there is something really wrong going on, and I believe they need some proffesional help before something tragic happens...even if you call someone annonmously and report, it would be better than what could happen without some help...
"Knowlege is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad" |
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Rosemary
True Blue Farmgirl
1825 Posts
Virginia
USA
1825 Posts |
Posted - Jan 31 2012 : 02:26:10 AM
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I'm hooked on a TV show called Supernanny, so I'm trying to imagine how she would counsel your friend. I believe she would point out that your friend is teaching her children to expect the world to cater to their every whim, which is not good parenting. While your friend bends to their demands for her attention, she is not only draining herself, thus becoming a less capable adult for them to depend upon, but she is also depriving them of opportunities to gain coping skills they will need as they mature. She is certainly not modeling good behavior for them in this regard. I'm pretty sure "Nanny Jo" would recommend that your friend recognize these truths and begin a steady effort to set, and enforce, bedtimes for her children.
Apart from that, I'm wondering if your friend might have an insomnia problem related to depression or some other condition that she needs to discuss with a good doctor or therapist. She might be using her kids' night-owl demands as respite from lying in bed unable to sleep. There are so many possibilities.
I think that you, as her friend, have the right to be alarmed and to express that alarm -- but only as it affects you, not to tell her that you think she's making mistakes. I could see you saying something to her like, "I used to enjoy our times together, but lately, you seem really out of it. That worries me a lot. If anything's bothering you, I'd love it if you'd let me in on it. Otherwise, just know that I care, okay?" |
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QueenBee Angela
Farmgirl at Heart
1 Posts
Angela
Allentown
Pennsylvania
USA
1 Posts |
Posted - Jan 31 2012 : 02:55:38 AM
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I would ask, what do you have to lose by not saying something constructive? Given her chosen tactics, you are basically losing your friend anyway. Maybe she is just unable to see a way out because she is so sleep deprived and needs some suggestions. The bigger issue here would be the dual long term problem. A night owl sleep schedule is going to need to be addressed at some time, but more than that is the issue of her unwillingness to make a stand with her children as the parent. IF she can't enforce a simple rule on sleep when they are preschoolers, whatever will she do when they are older?
Good luck to you ! |
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LuckyMommyof5
True Blue Farmgirl
500 Posts
Suzanne
OH
USA
500 Posts |
Posted - Feb 01 2012 : 1:17:45 PM
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I've been thinking and re-thinking this issue and I appreciate everyone's input. I think everyone who has weighed in on the dilemma has brought up really good, valid points. I'm just still torn. While it is true that we aren't seeing her anyway, since they are doing the sleep all day, awake all night routine, I hate to alienate her altogether if I confront her and she takes it the wrong way. Then again, I feel irresponsible on some level as her friend if I don't say anything.
After thinking about this so much and reading everyone's posts, I think my friend has really ended up in this cycle because she just refuses to say no to her kids and enforce it. Even though I do not know anyone who has gone quite this far with that, I do know lots of parents who just don't want to be the parent - they want to be a buddy. Then their kids wind up with no direction or boundaries and everyone suffers in the long run.
I've always been partial to Supernanny, too! If only I could get Nanny Jo to handle this!
Farmgirl Sister #3243
"The real things haven't changed. It is still best to be honest and truthful; to make the most of what we have; to be happy with simple pleasures; and have courage when things go wrong." - Laura Ingalls Wilder |
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Rosemary
True Blue Farmgirl
1825 Posts
Virginia
USA
1825 Posts |
Posted - Feb 01 2012 : 2:36:43 PM
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| Poor Suzanne! I really feel for you. This is such a tough one. I wonder if something positive could break through the wall of sleepiness that separates you from your friend right now. Do you ever get to see her during the day at ALL? If so, maybe you could give her a little present, say one of those constellation tracker things they sell in children's toy stores for kids who are into astronomy. You could say you saw it in the store and thought of her, how she and her kids might enjoy studying the night sky together. It would be a way of showing her you will support her no matter what, but it might also be just enough of a gentle jolt to get her talking about her life. I agree, this would be a good one for Nanny Jo. *sigh* |
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MagnoliaWhisper
True Blue Farmgirl
2817 Posts
Heather
Haysville
Kansas
USA
2817 Posts |
Posted - Feb 01 2012 : 4:13:30 PM
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I'm probably of the minority, but I really dislike Nanny Jo. Mainly cause of her anti extended breast feeding, and attached parenting that I believe in. But, that's just a personal thing. lol
Other then that, though in my LLL meetings we discuss discipline at least every few months. I would say maybe Dr. Sears would be good for her. LLL believe in gentle training, but still training/discipline. Children need it. But, this is such a personal decision unless some one is looking for answers, they usually are doing what they truly believe is right and it's just going to likely cause strife to say anything differently.
I would I think go at it as a health risk, there is studies that say people who do not sleep at NIGHT live shorter lives with more illnesses. For instance people who work night shift die sooner, and get sick more often. Research shows that the liver cleanses itself between 2 and 4 am, if you aren't in a deep sleep at that time (which means you need to be in bed by 9 and asleep by 10) you can have some pretty serious long term health effects. Maybe you could show her that data.
Of course it's not going to change her not wanting to discipline though...which sometimes we just have to accept our friends and their choices in such things, or choose to move on to other friends.
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
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LuckyMommyof5
True Blue Farmgirl
500 Posts
Suzanne
OH
USA
500 Posts |
Posted - Feb 01 2012 : 8:44:27 PM
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It's funny you should mention that, Heather, because those two issues were ones I disagreed with Jo on, as well. I'm an extended breastfeeding mama and practice co-sleeping and attachment parenting. What I have always liked about Jo was her straight talk with the parents and proponent of setting and enforcing boundaries.
Part of my dilemma with my mom friend is that she keeps telling me how unhappy she is with what's going on, which I keep wondering might be an unconscious cry for help. I've also seen her and her daughters basically become shut-ins over this and it's really hard to just know they are missing out on life.
But at the same time, I agree that maybe involving myself in her parenting decisions without her directly asking for it might just be wrong.
I also just miss seeing my friend. And my 4 year old misses playing with her daughters.
Farmgirl Sister #3243
"The real things haven't changed. It is still best to be honest and truthful; to make the most of what we have; to be happy with simple pleasures; and have courage when things go wrong." - Laura Ingalls Wilder |
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buggysmum
True Blue Farmgirl
110 Posts
Shelly
110 Posts |
Posted - Feb 08 2012 : 06:28:07 AM
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This thread has been on my mind...a lot...I am starting to think that maybe your friend is really in trouble, emotionally, and does need the help. I am a strong proponent of attachment parenting, but I have also seen it go dreadfully wrong because of lack of sleep, unenforced boundaries, and lack of some type of structure. I don't think this is the idea behind the practice of attachment parenting (which is really quite natural and beautiful), but sometimes that's where it leads if it's misinterpreted.
If she's that out of control and is telling you that she's unhappy, it's definitely a cry for help, except that she's probably too tired to cry...it's more of a whimper.
I don't think it is your role to help your friend, because it probably has to be somebody outside of her personal circle for objectivity. Are you better off letting somebody know about it who can help her and her kids? Can you put in an anonymous call or letter?
Please keep us posted... |
Edited by - buggysmum on Feb 08 2012 06:30:29 AM |
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Sharon Denise
True Blue Farmgirl
211 Posts
Sharon
Temple
TX
USA
211 Posts |
Posted - Feb 08 2012 : 10:34:29 AM
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I'm sorry, I agree with those who are genuinely concerned for your friend's welfare. This goes beyond the normal issues of getting in a rut. This doesn't sound like a problem with the kids, it definitely sounds like an emotional/mental issue with their mother. I would be extremely concerned with the level of anxiety at play here. Are you at all close with the husband? Can you speak with him about your concerns and get his take on things? If she snaps and does something unthinkable or her marriage utterly crumbles, you will feel guilty and responsible for a long time. :-( I'm so sorry for them, and you. She may be a sweet, loving mom, but she's not being a good mom, a good wife or a good friend. And deep down she knows it, which may be exacerbating the problem. What a terrible position you're in. I hope you get a good gut feeling of how you think you should proceed. It's just not a healthy environment for anyone, and I hate to think how those little girls are going to turn out if things don't change.
Farmgirl Sister #3754
www.facebook.com/bellcountybelles
http://bellcountybelle.blogspot.com/
http://pinterest.com/bluemonarch/
"There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. Yet that will be the beginning."
~Louis L'Amour |
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LuckyMommyof5
True Blue Farmgirl
500 Posts
Suzanne
OH
USA
500 Posts |
Posted - Feb 08 2012 : 11:03:42 AM
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Thank you so much, everyone, for caring so much! This is part of why I love MJF - everyone here is amazing and genuine.
I've been thinking a lot about this, too. When I had my 2nd daughter, she was EXTREMELY high-maintenance. She hardly ever slept, she had colic far more severe than anyone had ever heard of and when she wasn't screaming, she was fussing. At that same time, I had some extended family drama to deal with, as well as trying to take care of my oldest daughter - who was 2 - and pretty soon I was a mess. An absolute, fatigued mess. It was about as low as I have ever felt in my life. After months and months of suffering through this, I came to the realization that if I kept staying home all day, every day, just fixating on my situation, I was going to keep spiralling down. No matter how unhappy my 2nd daughter was, I started taking she and my oldest out every day (physically away from our home and yard). Whether it was a LONG walk around the neighborhood, a walk around the big indoor mall we could drive to or a trip to the MetroParks. We got memberships to every museum within driving distance, too, and started going to those on a regular rotation. Forcing myself up and out really saved me - it just changed my whole mindset.
With this personal experience in mind, I really started to think my best bet with my friend is to force her and her kids to get out of the house. She HAS to break this cycle. She told me she wasn't up for going this week, so I planned a day trip to our Botanical Gardens for next week for my youngest two and she with her two girls, told her I am driving and have free passes for them and I am not taking no for an answer. I am planning on having all of us attend the free craft and story hour there that day, buying them lunch in the garden cafe and lots of play! I told her if she tries to cancel, I will show up at her door anyway and INSIST! I'm also bringing her some nice hot coffee to drink while I drive there! She had no choice but to agree to the invite!
I feel like if I can get her and her girls OUT, I can say something when we are there about how she needs TO BE OUT again and offer to be the friend to help her with that!! I would be happy to plan outings, drive, host playdates, whatever, until she gets back on a regular day/night schedule.
I need to try something - I just can't keep mum anymore!
Farmgirl Sister #3243
"The real things haven't changed. It is still best to be honest and truthful; to make the most of what we have; to be happy with simple pleasures; and have courage when things go wrong." - Laura Ingalls Wilder |
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Parenting & Farm Kids: should I say something? |
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should I say something?
