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Family Matters:  Holidays and my mom. Sigh.  |
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Woodswoman
True Blue Farmgirl
512 Posts
Jennifer
Altamont
NY
USA
512 Posts |
 Posted - Nov 29 2010 : 6:42:54 PM
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I'm partly wondering if anyone has any advice, and partly just venting.
My mom has borderline personality disorder. Without going into details of it, she is extremely insecure, and prone to swinging between highs where everything is wonderful, to lows of lashing out at everyone around her.
I'm usually pretty good at dealing with it, but Christmas is getting hard. For the past few years my husband and I have spent Christmas Eve, and then Christmas morning, with my family (mom, dad, sister, and her husband). We then spend Christmas afternoon and evening with his family, about an hour away. Every year she ends up in a rage at me, feeling like she is being cheated out of time with us. Sometimes it is my sister and her plans, also.
So, this year, I asked her what she would like to do. She said "anything you guys want to - I just want to spend time with you". So, I suggested we swap, and spend Christmas afternoon and evening with my family, so we could do Christmas dinner together. She is already ticked off. And you really can't talk reasonably with her when she is like this.
I feel like no matter what I do to spend time with both families fairly, she ends up in a rage, and everyone ends up upset. I'm at the point where I'm not even that excited about the holidays anymore.
Anyway, I doubt there is a solution, but thanks for listening to me vent!
Jennifer
Farmgirl Sister #104
"Nature brings to every time and season some beauties of its own".
-Charles Dickens |
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ramonaj
True Blue Farmgirl
118 Posts
rhonda
gibsons
british columbia
Canada
118 Posts |
Posted - Nov 29 2010 : 7:33:21 PM
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Hi Jennifer,
Bless your heart. Having a parent with BPD can be a huge challenge at the best of times and the holidays are often a big trigger for unhappiness when people are so insecure. No doubt you know by now that pretty much no matter what you do, your mom will be unhappy. Have you read "Surviving a Borderline Parent"? it's a very good book and I recommend it to many clients. The solution may be that you have to decide what you want to do, then do it, knowing she's going to have a fit either way. Any time someone with BPD tells that they're ok with whatever YOU want it's kind of a red flag. Unless you're willing to spend every moment bending over backwards your mom will most likely be unhappy with whatever you decide. What do your husband and the rest of your family want to do? Look for a reasonable compromise (which it sounds like you already have) then follow through with it. That's my advice, other than reading that book, which should be in your local library. Take care and remember to surround yourself with positive, reasonable people as much as possible.
happiness to all sentient beings |
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rough start farmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
3331 Posts
marianne
The Beautiful Pacific NW
Washington State
USA
3331 Posts |
Posted - Nov 30 2010 : 1:53:42 PM
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i have no experience with someone with BPD and therefore no advice. I hope you can enjoy some of the holidays though, that only seems fair.
Marianne |
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nut4fabric
True Blue Farmgirl
885 Posts
Kathy
Morgan Hill
CA
USA
885 Posts |
Posted - Nov 30 2010 : 2:10:39 PM
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You are describing my MIL, have been putting up with her nonsense for 32 years. There is no solution that I can find, just glad we no longer live near her. My advice is do what you want to do and what makes you happiest because she isn't going to be no matter what you do.
Kathy |
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CountryBorn
True Blue Farmgirl
1545 Posts
Mary Jane
New York
USA
1545 Posts |
Posted - Nov 30 2010 : 6:50:44 PM
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Rhonda and Kathy have the only answer. There is no way to please your mother. Just decide as a family what you want to do and do it. No matter what you do she will be upset and raging. It is a very hard thing to do. but you must remind yourself over and over that you are not responsible for your mothers unhappiness. It really has nothing to do with you or your choices. Come to a peace with yourself about this. Then do what makes you and your family happy. There is an answer. Trust yourself enough and have the courage to follow your instincts and do what is best for your family and yourself. Don't let her rages or unhappiness make your life miserable. You only have one life honey, don't waste precious time and energy on things you can never change and have no control over.
Hugs MJ
There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do. Freya Stark |
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melanie47601
True Blue Farmgirl
1949 Posts
Melanie
Boonville
IN
USA
1949 Posts |
Posted - Nov 30 2010 : 7:23:56 PM
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I can't offer any further advice. I believe the other ladies have offered the best advice there is. It doesn't sound like easy advice I know. While my m doesn't have the same things going on as yours she does have some issues especially around the holidays (mainly Christmas) that make her "fun" to be around. Don't let the negativity eat away at you, it'll only make it worse. Sending lots of warm hugs for you. Hope it helps some.
Melanie
Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says "Oh Crap, She's up!"
Blog~ http://wheelsarealwaysturning.blogspot.com/ Etsy~http://www.etsy.com/shop/theflourishingfinch
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Annika
True Blue Farmgirl
5602 Posts
Annika
USA
5602 Posts |
Posted - Nov 30 2010 : 7:23:58 PM
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Due to her illness, you really cannot win, because she will always find something to be dissatisfied about. My mother was also afflicted with BPD and we were all miserable for years due to her constant un-satisfiable needs for attention and reassurance. Please, have a wonderful holiday and give your mama her due time, but don't let her wreck it for the rest of you. Wishes for a merry, merry Christmas to you and your family and to your mama, who really can't help herself. Be firm with your time and set boundries and don't let her push past them. Don't let her make your life a misery, at the holidays especially =)
Annika
Farmgirl & sister #13
Palouse Prairie Girls Chapter
http://palouseprairiegirls.blogspot.com/
http://prairiegirlsjournal.blogspot.com/
Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication. ~Leonardo DaVinci
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prayin granny
True Blue Farmgirl
1874 Posts
Linda
Kansas
1874 Posts |
Posted - Dec 01 2010 : 06:06:45 AM
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Ladies, I am helped as well by what you shared. I will find that book!! My mom has PD, with narcissism and OCD to the extreme. My nerves are just shot with dealing with her as well.Especially during the holidays. My dad somewhat reined her in a little bit and took the heat. Now that he is gone, it falls on me. I am more burned out than I can even say so I completely understand!! 2 other GREAT books are Boundaries, and Caring for the Difficult aging Parent. Both are on ebay and amazon. Going to look into the book suggested here. I think the best we can do is try to set some definite boundaries and stick with them. I am trying, however, other family members at times are not 100% on board so it gets tough. They seem to encourage and chuckle at her bad behavior rather than set and stick to some boundaries that would help us all. Hang in there and I think all we can do is try the best we can to be ok in spite of them!! I totally get all you are saying! Blessings, Linda
Country at Heart |
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Aunt Jenny
True Blue Farmgirl
11381 Posts
Jenny
middle of
Utah
USA
11381 Posts |
Posted - Dec 01 2010 : 07:57:41 AM
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Since I don't live close to most of my extended family now I am not dealing with this now. My solution...started when my oldest grown boys were babies was setting limits for sure. I decided that we would not leave OUR home on Christmas day..anyone was welcome to come over but whatever we did and all our Christmas day traditions for my kids would be at my house. Then, we were more than willing to go to my mom's or where ever for Christmas eve, Thanksgiving or New years. Usually we still all ended up at my house, but the option was out there..and it really worked. Not that there was no grumbling... but it worked because I didn't let the boundary get pushed. Still have that rule. We stay home on Christmas day no matter what. When the kids are all grown (I only have 4 teenagers at home still) of course I will let them decide what they would like to do on the holidays and be flexible about the Christmas day rule. I hope you get to have some fun and not deal with much drama this year..you deserve it.
Jenny in Utah
Proud Farmgirl sister #24
Inside me there is a skinny woman crying to get out...but I can usually shut her up with cookies
http://www.auntjennysworld.blogspot.com/ visit my little online shop at www.auntjenny.etsy.com |
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pnickols
True Blue Farmgirl
808 Posts
Patricia
Parma
Ohio
808 Posts |
Posted - Dec 02 2010 : 04:53:38 AM
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| I think you have to decide what your family wants to do and please them first. we spent years driving back and forth from my moms to my husbands mom and basically spending holidays in the car. finally said that's enough, neither mom was happy but my husband and kids sure were. it made it harder not being in town and having to drive across the state to visit but figured my family came first works out eventually |
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mtngirljon
True Blue Farmgirl
539 Posts
Jonnie
Webster
Texas
USA
539 Posts |
Posted - Dec 02 2010 : 09:15:42 AM
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Although most of what I would say here has already been posted, I'd like to add one thing. We have similar issues in our family and I've reached the point of being done with it. I've learned that I don't have to participate with the behavior. I always have the choice of leaving. I either won't show up if the offensive party is present or leave when the drama/tension begins.
IMHO only - it is also good to teach children that they don't have tolerate this behavior - that it's OK if boundaries are set and followed. I stayed away from my family of origin during the holidays for many years. I've been back with them for the last couple of years and everything was good, but the drama has started again and we won't be all together this year. I'll spend time with the people that I want to be with and stay away from the rest of them. My mom was upset at first (she is not an offending party), but is now OK with it.
This is a difficult issue. Good luck and may you have a serene and happy holiday season.
Jonnie
Farmgirl #648
"Turn your face to the sun, and the shadows will fall behind you" - Maori Proverb
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Woodswoman
True Blue Farmgirl
512 Posts
Jennifer
Altamont
NY
USA
512 Posts |
Posted - Dec 03 2010 : 5:15:31 PM
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Oh my gosh, THANK YOU so much!!!! It means so much to me to hear other people validate what I kind of have been thinking and know - that I need to do what is right, take care of myself, and not let her wreck everything for me - setting boundries.
I'm also going to look up those books mentioned - I haven't read them.
Again, thanks so much. It's good to know that other people have been through this and understand.
Jennifer
Farmgirl Sister #104
"Nature brings to every time and season some beauties of its own".
-Charles Dickens |
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prayin granny
True Blue Farmgirl
1874 Posts
Linda
Kansas
1874 Posts |
Posted - Dec 04 2010 : 07:54:58 AM
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Jennifer, emailed you regarding some website info that I found. Sure helped me! Blessings, Linda
Country at Heart |
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KayB
True Blue Farmgirl
540 Posts
Kay
Del City
Oklahoma
USA
540 Posts |
Posted - Dec 09 2010 : 9:11:19 PM
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I'm sorry to hear this. My mom was very much like this on top of being very abusive toward me, her oldest child and daughter. I tried everything and almost drove myself crazy trying to please the woman. I told my DH (and I know this sounds so bad) that I was so glad not having to deal with my parents anymore because my holidays were always so depressing and I seemed to spend most of them crying. Luckily DH didn't have to deal with them too long, we were only married 2 years when Mom died and then my stepfather died 5 years later. I was so sorry to tell everyone what a relief and load off of me that was, but 2 really good friends who have known me for over 40 years said they understood after everything I went through with them. She actually stood there 16 years ago as my brother knocked me across her front yard and then hid him because she knew I would press charges and she didn't want him arrested. After being taken to the ER, I just wanted my stuff out of her house and refused to return as long as he lived there. She told everyone I made it up although I have a lovely scar down my right arm from sliding across the grass. Don't let her guilt you into anything. It will affect your health, both physically and mentally.
I will pray for you, your mom, and your family.
KayB
Life's a dance you learn as you go
Farmgirl Sister #2351 |
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JoyIowa
True Blue Farmgirl
273 Posts
Joy
273 Posts |
Posted - Dec 12 2010 : 6:17:24 PM
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I agree totally, and have one additional suggestion that has de-escalated my mom on numerous occasions:
Practice ahead of time what you will say after the first sentence that sounds like attack. Something such as "Oops! Gotta go! in an urgent voice, or Drats! The buzzer just went off. Talk to you another time.... Your mom will get the message. It's almost like you have to train them that you will not talk to them in an escalated state. Remember the key here is to practice outloud before the line is needed. If mom calls back, ignore the phone.
If it's not illegal, unsafe, or immoral, why not try anything once? Who knows? You may come back for a second helping! |
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Family Matters: Holidays and my mom. Sigh. |
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Holidays and my mom. Sigh.
