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Family Matters:  The Hubby went missing  |
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MissLiss
Farmgirl Legend Schoolmarm
322 Posts
Melissa
Corona
CA
USA
322 Posts |
 Posted - May 16 2010 : 10:59:31 AM
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Removed. No more problem thanks to you ladies...hopefully! |
Edited by - MissLiss on May 20 2010 11:05:52 AM |
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KanMogirl
True Blue Farmgirl
349 Posts
Katherine
Rock
Kansas
USA
349 Posts |
Posted - May 16 2010 : 11:11:33 AM
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From what you have told us he does seem to be hypocritical. He expects you to call but he doesn't have to. I don't know what to tell you but I will pray that you can come to an understanding.
I would rather wear out than rust out.----Richard Cumberland |
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nubidane
True Blue Farmgirl
2875 Posts
Lisa
Georgetown
OH
2875 Posts |
Posted - May 16 2010 : 11:20:13 AM
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He is being disrespectful, plain & simple. I have been in realtionships like that before & it is very stressful (& I wasn't pregnant either)
My hubby is the complete polar opposite. I know exactly where he is. He respects me. If he is going to stay at work for even 5 minutes he lets me know.
It is nice to have that in my life, as I can remeber the other way & it was very nervewracking.
Right now he is on a bike ride & he even tells me his route..
He is a dork that way, but it is nice to have a dork. Ha! |
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miss kris
True Blue Farmgirl
118 Posts
kris
mi
USA
118 Posts |
Posted - May 16 2010 : 12:11:40 PM
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Hi Melissa, I hear what you are saying and understand what you felt and are feeling. If you can be honest without a lot of emotion = just tell him where the boundary is and he passed it. Tell him in the future what your expectations are - plain and simple then walk away, no more discussion. Hard to do sometimes. That is what I would try to do about it. I wouldn't try to explain about the emotions cause he seems set on his way of thinking about it. Actions speck louder than words - try to make them match. Hugs to you - Kris
For I know the plans I have for you...Jer.29:11 |
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BarnChickCecily
True Blue Farmgirl
673 Posts
Cecily
Corydon
IN
USA
673 Posts |
Posted - May 16 2010 : 12:21:46 PM
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Hey Melissa! You are not over-reacting...pregnant or not, You are being a normal, responsible wife. He is the one who messed up. I would not let him think otherwise if I were you. I am pregnant too, and I have a 2 year old. I too love staying home. Kris is right... he probably won't be able to think differently about your emotions, even though you are perfectly reasonable. Men are flawed that way.
Farmgirl Sister # 241
www.thebarnchick.blogspot.com/ |
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Annika
True Blue Farmgirl
5602 Posts
Annika
USA
5602 Posts |
Posted - May 16 2010 : 12:36:19 PM
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Plain and simple. He was out of line. You do NOT stay out all night on your honey. Period. I'M MAD at him! He was out of bounds...tell him where the line is that you are comfortable in the marriage with and let him know that it was really un-curteous of him to leave you wondering/make you stress that way. I'd be frothing and fit to be tied!
Annika
Farmgirl & sister #13
Palouse Prairie Girls Chapter
http://palouseprairiegirls.blogspot.com/
http://prairiegirlsjournal.blogspot.com/
Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication. ~Leonardo DaVinci
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22937 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22937 Posts |
Posted - May 16 2010 : 12:42:45 PM
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I agree with the other ladies! I don't think you over reacted at all. I think Miss Kris has excellent advise to just have a non emotional sit down with him. I think sometimes dealing with the men in our lives is 10x harder than dealing with our children! At least with the kids you always have the mommy "card" "I am your mom and you will do this" etc *hugs*
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.awarmheart.com
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
www.allergyjourneys.blogspot.com
Put your pin on the farmgirl map! www.farmgirlmap.blogspot.com |
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natesgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
1735 Posts
angela
martinsville
indiana
USA
1735 Posts |
Posted - May 16 2010 : 1:33:41 PM
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I simply told my hubby that I know he needs to feel like he's an adult and can hang out with his buddies without 'asking mommy if he can go out to play'. I as a woman need to feel safe and taken care of. He quickly asked what I needed to feel that way. Guys can't stand the thought of their women not feeling taken care of. That's their job you know. I told him to feel safe I needed to know the center of my world was safe and that was him. To feel taken care of I needed him to help me feel like a wife and not a maid. I needed consulted before plans were made or changed in case I had something I needed to do. If he couldn't help me then I needed to make arrangements with someone else. Now he wasn't checking in with me, he was checking on me. He was taking care of me! That put my issue in a way that wasn't nagging and gave him a way to help me instead of us having a 'problem'. Guys are so touchy about stuff it's a pain to learn how to talk to them. I have found it's worth the work though if it handles the problem and keeps my marriage going good. I hope this helps you. You might have to tailor the way you bring it up in a more specific way for him personally. Just sit and really think about the problems you and him have had and focus on the ones that ended in a positive way. Really think about the discussion and you can see his 'man pattern'. Use it to adjust your statements by. It can't hurt to try.
Farmgirl Sister #1438
God - Gardening - Family - Is anything else important? |
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southerncrossgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
631 Posts
Gena
Harmony
NC
USA
631 Posts |
Posted - May 16 2010 : 2:21:15 PM
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I agree with what everyone has said. The only thing I would add is, let him know you don't expect that to happen again.
I am afraid if he gets away with it again, he will continue to do so.
Good luck. It takes awhile to get those men trained right! LOL!
Gena
"A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes"==Cinderella |
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classygram
True Blue Farmgirl
1812 Posts
Brenda
Pleasant Hill
Mo.
USA
1812 Posts |
Posted - May 16 2010 : 2:48:57 PM
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I agree with all the others and right now I'm angry with him. So he thinks your jealous because your stuck at home with your baby, soon to be 2 babies and he's free to run. Excuse me! But it took both of you to make those babies and all responsiblity doesn't fall on just one. I need to bite my words right now. But sweetheart I'm going to pray that this all works out for you.
Hugs, Brenda
"What lies behind us, and what lies before us are small matter compared to what lies within us."
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Seek reasons to Love..In every sigment of everyday-look for something that brings forth within you a feeling of Love-Abraham Hicks |
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OneCraftyBugger
True Blue Farmgirl
626 Posts
R
USA
626 Posts |
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clothedinscarlet
True Blue Farmgirl
1333 Posts
Siobhan
Battle Creek
MI
USA
1333 Posts |
Posted - May 16 2010 : 4:06:34 PM
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Kris gave you some excellent advice. I agree that he was out of line, but fighting and making him feel like a jerk is just going to make him angry because he doesn't really see any fault on his part right now. Just letting him know where he crossed the line and leave him to think about it with no more words than that. He will think about it. And he will realize that what he did was totally unacceptable. I don't know how far along you are, but if something had happened while he was unreachable, he would have never forgiven himself and he needs to be there for you right now. No reason why he should be in a situation that could leave him unavailable to you. I'm so sorry that happened to you. You have every right to be hurt and upset. But, don't let the sun go down on your anger. Settle it and let it go.
Farmgirl Sister #1110
Siobhan - AKA Liza-Jane (my farmgirl name), wife to my best friend, Trent, and mommy to Camden (11/28/05) and Bennett (7/11/07). and Truman (7/28/09) |
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Faransgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
895 Posts
Beth
Houston
Texas
USA
895 Posts |
Posted - May 16 2010 : 4:50:52 PM
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Sounds to me like he does know that he was wrong but rather than admit that he was wrong he is trying to turn the tables on you so he can get away with it and not feel like he was wrong. When men do that sort of thing and get away with it it just sets you up for it to happen again. Tell him what you expect in no uncertain terms and don't discuss it again.
Farmgirl Sister 572
When manure happens just say "WOO HOO Fertilizer". |
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Old Spirit
True Blue Farmgirl
1498 Posts
Rae
MN
1498 Posts |
Posted - May 16 2010 : 5:52:54 PM
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Time to grow up and be an adult. A married person does not go out and not come home. If one NEEDS to go with out their partner they go and come home, not too late. That is just respect for the other person. You are not out of line.
Rae
Farm Girl #647
...those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles:...
Isaiah 40:31
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Bear5
True Blue Farmgirl
13055 Posts
Louisiana/Texas
USA
13055 Posts |
Posted - May 16 2010 : 6:38:29 PM
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As Robin put it: Unexceptable!
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
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kristin sherrill
True Blue Farmgirl
11303 Posts
kristin
chickamauga
ga
USA
11303 Posts |
Posted - May 16 2010 : 6:45:13 PM
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And to put the blame on an unborn baby is really wrong. Sorry, but that is bad, Mr.
Kris
Happiness is simple. |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22937 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22937 Posts |
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MissLiss
Farmgirl Legend Schoolmarm
322 Posts
Melissa
Corona
CA
USA
322 Posts |
Posted - May 17 2010 : 12:02:01 AM
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| Thank you girls - for letting me vent and for giving me the good advice. |
Edited by - MissLiss on May 20 2010 11:06:40 AM |
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vintage saver
True Blue Farmgirl
323 Posts
oleta
wheelersburg
ohio
USA
323 Posts |
Posted - May 17 2010 : 01:48:50 AM
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| This doesn't sound good. It's very suspicious. You know that in your heart. He has to be shown that you are a strong woman and can live and do things without him. You didn't get married to be treated this way. As the women said, just calmly tell him so this time, and if it happens again, then you/ve been shown what he really wants and I would calmly leave for a couple of days and visit friens, family, even if someone had to come and get me because he needed the car. If you allow yourself to be walked on, he'll feel free to do it again. Just stay calm and accept the situation whatever happens. Concentrate on yourself and the children. You can only do so much for men. I've found out that the more you do for a man, the less he'll do for you. This is from my single days when I was fixated on a man for 8 years. This was really pitiful looking back on it now. I finally came to my senses and said I was tired of it and was going to find a good man and it only took me a month. NOW i treat him really good as long as he treats me well, and it has worked out for 16 years, but 8 years of my life was wasted in that respect. |
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texdane
Farmgirl Legend Chapter Leader Chapter Guru
4658 Posts
Nicole
Sandy Hook
CT
USA
4658 Posts |
Posted - May 17 2010 : 05:25:47 AM
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Melissa,
Sending you a farmgirl <hug>. Sounds like you can use it.
Nicole
Farmgirl Sister #1155
KNITTER, JAM-MAKER AND MOM EXTRAORDINAIRE |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22937 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22937 Posts |
Posted - May 17 2010 : 05:39:59 AM
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Melissa- First off- I am so sorry that he is going through this. My husband went through this too. He went through a phase where if he wanted it, he bought it. Even if it was 2 weeks before Christmas. I was struggling to pay the bills with a crappy job and couldn't figure out why we were getting further and further behind and why I was the only one buying groceries. Seriously it came down to one day all we had left in the house was pretty much a can of green beans. I was so tired and frustrated. My husband also plays video games and does a table top war game where they have to buy these plastic and metal figurines that they paint. Well he was spending A LOT of money on these things and he surprised me with a dishwashed. Uh yeah. Every gal dreams of being gifted a dishwasher *rolls eyes* I mean don't get me wrong, I loved that dishwasher but come on! That is a household purchase! Not a gift!
Now it has been five years down the road and I am not going to say my way of dealing with it was the best- There were lots of fights, tears, screaming and making up. The other day we were having an open conversation about our finances and I was telling him how encouraged I am that we are paying off so much debt and things are getting better all the time. He told me he really regrets the time when he was spending willy nilly and told me that he often was spending money first and then coming home and saying he wanted to get and item. It was hard to hear but it did justify some suspicions I had.
Unfortunatly I think you have to find your own way through this. Maybe if you tell him "Of course you work hard and I want you to have everything you want as long as you find a way to pay for it that won't hurt the family."
Oh and I had a regular delivery but had to have oxytocin because my labor didn't start after 8 hours from my water breaking, and I had to have an epideral. Between a hospital stay for observation and two more days for delivery and recovery, Nora's birth was $13,000 and that isn't counting the prenatal care.
Do you have any insurance?
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.awarmheart.com
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
www.allergyjourneys.blogspot.com
Put your pin on the farmgirl map! www.farmgirlmap.blogspot.com |
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clothedinscarlet
True Blue Farmgirl
1333 Posts
Siobhan
Battle Creek
MI
USA
1333 Posts |
Posted - May 17 2010 : 06:47:50 AM
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Oh my. Yeah, my birth with my second was uninsured and was a little over $10,000, not including the prenatal care. And I had absolutely no interventions (no drugs or anything). Birthing a baby in the hospital without insurance is outrageous! Maybe if he were to see those figures he would change his tune on spending. I would suggest you guys find a Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace class and attend it as a "date night" for a bit. There are many churches that offer the class and some will provide child care too, so it could be a couple hours of peace and quiet for you guys together without the little one. I looked on the site (www.daveramsey.com) and there are several classes in your area. Maybe you can call around and see if any of them offer child care. Anyways, his class revolutionized our spending habits. There is so much more security in our marriage now because we're financially on the same page. You know, many divorces happen because of money. It's a huge issue in marriage and if you conquer that big step together, then it would change a lot of things. The class costs $100, but if you apply the principles right away you won't ever regret or miss that $100. In fact, you'll have been willing to pay much more for the wealth of information that you got. The other benefit to the class is that you go through it with a whole class full of people who are in the same place as you. You hear lots of different situations and get to watch other people conquer their spending and debt issues. It's really cool.
Farmgirl Sister #1110
Siobhan - AKA Liza-Jane (my farmgirl name), wife to my best friend, Trent, and mommy to Camden (11/28/05) and Bennett (7/11/07). and Truman (7/28/09) |
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Fiddlehead Farm
True Blue Farmgirl
4562 Posts
Diane
Waupaca
WI
USA
4562 Posts |
Posted - May 17 2010 : 07:05:43 AM
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Melissa, I am sorry for your pain. I have been there and done that. My first Husband drank all night with friends, spent money willy-nilly on toys and went on snowmobile trips for weeks and left me with $20, pregnant and with a toddler at home. Needless to say it ended in divorce. His drinking and drugs became more important than his family. My children are grown and turned out pretty well, as for their father...he is still a drunk. He missed out on their lives and it is his fault. You need to put your foot down and don't be emotional about it. He is out of line. The Dave Ramsey class that Siobhan wrote about is awesome. My current DH is taking the class and it has helped us greatly. We are now a united front and are getting out of debt but still living a wonderful life. He does not "need" a motorcycle right now, you both need to save for the birth of your baby and pay off debt. Another loan would be reckless. The economy is headed in the toilet. He needs to put on his "man pants" and take care of his family. End of story.
Why not go out on a limb, that's where all the fruit is! "Mark Twain"
http://studiodiphotosite.shutterfly.com/
farmgirl sister #922 |
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MrsRooster
True Blue Farmgirl
1168 Posts
Amy
Seabrook
TX
USA
1168 Posts |
Posted - May 17 2010 : 07:18:37 AM
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Lots of prayers for you.
I am married to a Marine and they are very different to deal with. Mine has been out for some time.
You aren't being emotional and it isn't the babies fault. He is going to have to think about this. It is best to let it go.
If it becomes a habit, then you will have decisions to make. He is anxious about the baby and the whole deal too. Guys do weird things. Especially if they have single friends.
Lots of love to you. It will be ok.
www.mrsrooster.blogspot.com
Farmgirl #1259
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BarnChickCecily
True Blue Farmgirl
673 Posts
Cecily
Corydon
IN
USA
673 Posts |
Posted - May 17 2010 : 07:53:11 AM
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I am keeping you in my prayers. The Dave Ramsey program is awesome... My husband and I are working on our 'snowball' right now. We recommend it greatly!
Farmgirl Sister # 241
www.thebarnchick.blogspot.com/ |
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melanie47601
True Blue Farmgirl
1949 Posts
Melanie
Boonville
IN
USA
1949 Posts |
Posted - May 17 2010 : 08:07:59 AM
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Melissa, I am praying for you and your family. I was in a similar situation. It ended in divorce, but there were also factors in my situation that casued it to go that way. All I can say is I would be mad as hell and I am not one for keeping my temper in line. But I do agree with the girls - try to leave the emotions out of it, especially the crying. And that is super hard to do. He needs to be put in his place. Just be as "matter-of-fact" about it as you can. {{HUGS}}
Melanie
Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says "Oh Crap, She's up!"
Blog~ http://wheelsarealwaysturning.blogspot.com/
Swap Blog~ http://mels-swapshop.blogspot.com/ |
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Family Matters: The Hubby went missing |
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The Hubby went missing
