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Family Matters:  need thoughts on MIL coming to live  |
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debtea2
True Blue Farmgirl
1853 Posts
deborah
nutley
nj
USA
1853 Posts |
 Posted - Apr 30 2010 : 3:31:16 PM
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my MIL is 87yrs old my dh goes to see her everyday
her is in the beginning stages of alzheimers
but probably has had or has dementia? not really sure
we never really goton well but thats another story
she hurt me in many ways over the twenty yrs we've been
married. well the time has come that she can not live
alone she has refused to live with her dd but today when i saw
this woman my heart broke seeing how feeble and sad and in pain
physically and alone she really is.. its killing me see watch this
so as much as i would never ever have entertained the idea of living with this woman,
i now feel its inhumane not to bring her into our home.
my sil is a very difficult person (thats putting it nicely)
so my farmgirl sisters i need some advice wisedom from others in this situation because right now my heart hurts to see her this way.
just and fyi i have been a caretaker for many people i love
and i never even had a moments hesitation..
blessing and in need deborah
http://jerseyfarmgirl.blogspot.com/
inch by inch we find our way
jersey farmgirl
#1330
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knittinchick
True Blue Farmgirl
1854 Posts
Megan
Wisconsin
1854 Posts |
Posted - Apr 30 2010 : 4:39:01 PM
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Deborah, being only 14, I can't offer advice, but I will pray that the Lord will give you an answer!
God's Blessings,
Megan aka Loretta Rae
At heart, I am both a sassy city girl and a down-home country gal. |
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natesgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
1735 Posts
angela
martinsville
indiana
USA
1735 Posts |
Posted - Apr 30 2010 : 4:39:03 PM
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Just be careful to be sure she has her own seperate area. I have found seperate living areas, and even quarters totally seperated, to be an absolute must. My MIL and I don't get along very well either, but we have been living together for 18 months now. It is very hard and the only way we could hold it all together was to seperate our living areas. We have had to go to seperate quarters with total privacy for us both, but we are an extreme case I believe. I wish you the best of luck and will pray that you have guidance in all this.
Farmgirl Sister #1438
God - Gardening - Family - Is anything else important? |
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debtea2
True Blue Farmgirl
1853 Posts
deborah
nutley
nj
USA
1853 Posts |
Posted - Apr 30 2010 : 8:04:44 PM
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thank you angela and megan
i so appreciate the prayers as i too and prayering for lord to guide me in this difficult situation
deborah
http://jerseyfarmgirl.blogspot.com/
inch by inch we find our way
jersey farmgirl
#1330
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sherrye
True Blue Farmgirl
3775 Posts
sherry
bend in the high desert
oregon
USA
3775 Posts |
Posted - Apr 30 2010 : 8:26:38 PM
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i could write a book on this subject.lol i left home at the age of 14. mom was a nut cake. or so we all thought. we thought she was a drunk. well she was. but she was very sick. back then no dna tests. so i had a very bad taste for mom.my dad made me promise when i was 17 that i would care for her. that she would die at home. safe... i did keep that promise. it was one of the hardest best things i ever have done. seperate spaces are vital. we rearranged and put up a wall. she had her own living room and bath and bedroom. when she came she had had a stroke and could not walk. she also did not know she could not walk.i slept on her floor and kept her tied for almost a year. she would scream and be afraid. i would comfort her. we were diagnosed with the porphyria. it explained all of moms sickness. and mine my sister her daughter one son. she came on a host of pills. i weaned her off and her mind came back. we bought a motorhome. took her to mexico and let her spend money. for a depression girl it was tops. i learned to forgive her many things, i learned to have time for little things. mostly i learned to love a mom i had never known. when she died sleeping comfortable in her bed i washed her did her hair dressed her in what she had picked. i sent her home to be with dad. it was a fine thing. 10 years i cared for her every minute. i loved it all and yes it was very hard. usually good things are. just my thoughts. you can be a problem solver and make it work. we had reverse deadbolts on the doors. i had worked in a nursing home so had some exp.just a thought sherrye
the learn as we go silk purse farm
farmgirl #1014
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Bear5
True Blue Farmgirl
13055 Posts
Louisiana/Texas
USA
13055 Posts |
Posted - Apr 30 2010 : 9:09:33 PM
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Deborah:
We share the same, exact story. My MIL is also in a nursing home, not doing too well. No one wants to bring her to their house, except me. I offered because I believe someone has to reach out to help her, give her love, and most of all dignity. She will not get dignity at the nursing home. No way!!! Every time my DH goes to see her, I tell him to ask her if she wants to come live with us. I don't think she will, she didn't like me too much, but that's another story. I feel sorry for her. Good luck to you. Keep us posted.
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
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Cozynana
True Blue Farmgirl
1123 Posts
Kem
1123 Posts |
Posted - May 01 2010 : 05:41:58 AM
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| I think it is admirable that you want to extend this kindness. I can only tell you from watching a friend take care of her mom that it is HARD!!!!!! I would get the rest of the family to either pay you or get paid by your MIL's funds. This helps with the resentment that creeps up. I know you are not in it for the money, but somehow it helps all the thankless hours of just being there. I know this helped my friend a lot. I would make sure that are seperate living quarters. I would also make it a stipulation that you have respite care givers that can come in and babysit so you and DH can get away for dates and weekends. This is imperative if you want to stay sane. The gov't and state agenices can help you find someone reliable. Another thought......my friends siblings take her mom for a couple weeks at a time to give her a break. She is lucky, she has two other siblings that have agreed. This give her about a months break at a time. Just remember, you don't have to do it all. There are lots of resources and choices, such as meals on wheels that are delivered right to the door of the elderly (at least where I live). Maybe you could hire some retired person to come in and sit with her once/twice a week using her money to pay so you can have a girlfriend date or just run away for the day. Make it as easy on yourself as possible while meeting MIL's needs. Just thought of something else. Our old folks home has day care. This is a program where caretakers can bring mom, dad, etc for the afternoon or day for a reasonable fee. It works very well. At night the loved one is picked up and back in their own bed that night. Be kind to yourself and family. MIL personality may have changed, she may be much more meek and mild at this stage of her life. Again I commend you for thinking this is an option. I wish there were more kind humans like you in our world. Good luck. |
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Fiddlehead Farm
True Blue Farmgirl
4562 Posts
Diane
Waupaca
WI
USA
4562 Posts |
Posted - May 02 2010 : 05:10:51 AM
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Deb, I think you are a warm and beautiful person for wanting to do this. You have gotten some good advice from other sisters. All I want to say is follow your heart. I think it is wonderful to open our homes to the elderly. They deserve to be in a warm, safe and loving enviroment. Back in the day, this is what every family did. I plan on having my mother live with me someday and I hope my children feel the same way.
Why not go out on a limb, that's where all the fruit is! "Mark Twain"
http://studiodiphotosite.shutterfly.com/
farmgirl sister #922 |
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Roxy7
True Blue Farmgirl
1083 Posts
Robin
Denver
CO
USA
1083 Posts |
Posted - May 02 2010 : 08:33:01 AM
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| I understand...I have a rocky relationship with my MIL. Prayers sent to you. |
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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl
2325 Posts
Susan
Lonsdale
MN
USA
2325 Posts |
Posted - May 02 2010 : 11:38:19 AM
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Deborah,
Your plan of caring for your MIL has not been kind to you in the past is a tough decision. She may continue to be unkind or, as if returning to childhood herself, she may show you an entirely different side to her personality. She is the one who raised your DH and in that has to have some goodness in her, even though you may not have seen it in recent years. The kindness in your heart is reaching out to her, even though she hasn't done the same for you in the past.
There has to be a special place in heaven for those who care for elderly relatives. Your experience as a caregivier will definately be a plus. If your husband is visiting her daily he is also showing the involvement that could help this to work.
Your MIL has refused to move in with her daughter and that may have been a good decision if her daughter is a difficult person as well. Will you try to get your DH to convince her to move in with you? She may not agree or even have the capacity to make that decision.
As Kem said, be kind to yourself and your family by planning this out well.
My prayers are with you in your decision and plan.
Susan
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver |
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debtea2
True Blue Farmgirl
1853 Posts
deborah
nutley
nj
USA
1853 Posts |
Posted - May 02 2010 : 12:21:48 PM
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i so appreciate al the inspiration, i'm no saint but i'm also not a heartless
person regardless of the way she treated me ..i will open my home to her and
care for her..i am a strong woman that knows how hard this may be
i took care of my parents right up to the end and never regretted or hesitated for a moment
but i loved my parents and they loved me so it was easy.. i hope this will work
but at least i have my farmgirl sisters to cry to if the going gets rough.
love you all and thank you so very much ..you are the light at theend of the tunnel....
i will keep you posted as to the progress
bless you deborah
http://jerseyfarmgirl.blogspot.com/
inch by inch we find our way
jersey farmgirl
#1330
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vintagediva1
True Blue Farmgirl
1251 Posts
Michele
Brighton
Michigan
USA
1251 Posts |
Posted - May 04 2010 : 7:09:20 PM
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Kudos to you.
It seems that the Lord has lain it on your heart to care for this woman regardless of the things that have happened in the past. Your husband must absolutely adore you for this selfless act. it won't be easy but as you've been a cargiver before you already know this .
God Bless you for following your heart
Michele
www.2vintagedivas.etsy.com
www.sissyandsisterstitch.etsy.com
www.sissyandsisterstitch.artfire.com
Love that good ole vintage junk |
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Annab
True Blue Farmgirl
2900 Posts
Anna
Seagrove
NC
USA
2900 Posts |
Posted - May 06 2010 : 03:53:18 AM
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Kindnes sis one thing, but DImentia and Altzheimer's will be a HUGE strain on your life. It's physically and mentally drainig. If oyu had the fundage, a home or hospice care would ease the burden on you both.
It's so hard but in the end you'll thank yourself |
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knittingmom
True Blue Farmgirl
665 Posts
AnneMarie
Edmonton
Alberta
Canada
665 Posts |
Posted - May 06 2010 : 8:01:10 PM
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Have a good talk with your husband and be clear of when you both will decide that her needs are more than your capacity. Who will be doing what for your MIL? Will you want to hire a day nurse occasionaly? What about the dd will she contribute anything financially should extra care be required? Look into facilities that are in the area who would take over her care if it comes to that point. I would also suggest that both you and DH speak with her doctors about her condition, what you can expect from this point to the end of her life. Also look into what respite services are in your area for caregivers so you can both have a break when you need it. I guess what I'm trying to say is go into this knowing exactly what you will be getting into and if you are really prepared to be her caregiver. Good luck, keep us posted. Your family is in our thoughts.
"There is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world" |
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prayin granny
True Blue Farmgirl
1874 Posts
Linda
Kansas
1874 Posts |
Posted - May 07 2010 : 06:18:34 AM
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Deb, I have a strained relationship with my mom, so I understand where you are coming from. Like others have said, follow your heart and instinct with this. Use all resources out there that will help make it easier and assist you. Each state is different in how it operates, but Hospice is wonderful! And, most often,'degenerative forms of old age' etc qualifies for their help!! The help with the emotional, mental strain on everyone, alone is invaluable! Let alone assistance with medication, bathing, supplies, etc. We will all be here for you when you need a sounding board! Take care. Linda
Country at Heart |
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miss kris
True Blue Farmgirl
118 Posts
kris
mi
USA
118 Posts |
Posted - May 07 2010 : 08:04:23 AM
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Our lives are complex and large. God bless you all and I mean it so much!! Finding a mom after growing into a woman, struggling with husbands and those who need us to love them, unconditionally.
Finding the strength to do and live in a way which is extraordinary. with love, Kris
For I know the plans I have for you...Jer.29:11 |
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debtea2
True Blue Farmgirl
1853 Posts
deborah
nutley
nj
USA
1853 Posts |
Posted - May 09 2010 : 6:13:23 PM
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hi all
i so appreciate all the support and advice my sil just wants my mils money so she will not help out at all she din't even come for mothers day? we have not spoken in years.and my dh does not want to speak with her..
anyway my dh is not sure she should come here.
but i think he is afriad she will be to difficult and cause more problems my sil does not realize how bad the situation and thinks she will be fine alone
she could not be more mistaken and i think an assisted living may be the best alternative..
hopefully before there is an accident or she wonders off..its just so complicated .
i pray for an answer every night.. thank you all i will keep you all updated
blessing deborah
http://jerseyfarmgirl.blogspot.com/
inch by inch we find our way
jersey farmgirl
#1330
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Annab
True Blue Farmgirl
2900 Posts
Anna
Seagrove
NC
USA
2900 Posts |
Posted - May 10 2010 : 09:30:59 AM
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Do also know that as the dimantia progresses, it will be worse than having a child in the house. She may be higher functioning now, but your faily as you know it now will have to include her as she may not be able to be left alone. Very scary especially when you hear about otehr people's family members escaping into the neighborhood
Think this decision over VERY carefully for short term and long term rammifications-- Especially where you and your husband are concerned |
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debtea2
True Blue Farmgirl
1853 Posts
deborah
nutley
nj
USA
1853 Posts |
Posted - May 10 2010 : 5:17:15 PM
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thanks i've thought about that myself and it scares me since she is not familar with my neighborhood
i live on a very busy street and god forbid she wanders off , there is also a park with a steep ravine
down to a river very rocky..i keep think an assisted living would be the best way to go.
keep prayers coming this is a very difficult decision.
blessings deborah
http://jerseyfarmgirl.blogspot.com/
inch by inch we find our way
jersey farmgirl
#1330
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Annab
True Blue Farmgirl
2900 Posts
Anna
Seagrove
NC
USA
2900 Posts |
Posted - May 11 2010 : 05:21:19 AM
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Assisted living is the better choice.
Sounds like there are all kinds of scary obstacles around where you live.
I really feel for anyone who makes the decision to take care of an elderly parent. it's a very tough and thankless job.
My own parents are on the young side of 65 and are already looking at the assisted living places. They may make the jump in about 5 years...to a place where they already know people and will have all kinds of connections. Thank goodness they are of sound mind right now. They in no way want to burden their kids (me and brother) with having to make these kinds of decisions when it;s too late.
In my opinion, that's one of the best gifts a parent can give their child, and that's peace of mind.
I think your DH is correct in his thinking and is trying to prevent a potential familial disaster.
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debtea2
True Blue Farmgirl
1853 Posts
deborah
nutley
nj
USA
1853 Posts |
Posted - May 17 2010 : 7:38:39 PM
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hi all
a little update my MIL fell while she was at home alone
and her niece found her and called me in the hopes of
helping to get her up..i called 911 and she is now in the
hospital and getting the proper care and dianosed with dementia
so her dd is going to take her home with her to live
or find a nursing home as she slips in and out and becomes
hard to handle so thank you all for your prayers and the lord has
answered my prayers ..i am very thankful and prayer this will work out.
blessing deborah
http://jerseyfarmgirl.blogspot.com/
inch by inch we find our way
jersey farmgirl
#1330
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Annab
True Blue Farmgirl
2900 Posts
Anna
Seagrove
NC
USA
2900 Posts |
Posted - May 18 2010 : 05:29:08 AM
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I bet that's a load off your mind!
Good how things work out sometimes?
Also makes you want to plan for the unexpected too while still of sound mind!
God bless! |
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debtea2
True Blue Farmgirl
1853 Posts
deborah
nutley
nj
USA
1853 Posts |
Posted - May 18 2010 : 2:28:45 PM
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yes its a good thing
today she is being brought to a rehabilition center
and than probably a assisted living or something
where she will get the right care and assisitance.
prayers answered thank you god
http://jerseyfarmgirl.blogspot.com/
inch by inch we find our way
jersey farmgirl
#1330
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Family Matters: need thoughts on MIL coming to live |
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need thoughts on MIL coming to live
