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Across the Fence:  Stories from us widow women.....  |
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1badmamawolf
True Blue Farmgirl
2199 Posts
Teresa
"Bent Fence Farms"
Ca
USA
2199 Posts |
 Posted - Apr 10 2010 : 09:06:12 AM
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There is so much to tell about our lost loves...I think starting this thread about those stories will help some of us towards healing, and others, what it will be like...I think we should start out with how we met our men...then our weddings...the birth of our babies...the funny stories,the romantic stories and the sad stories...
As for me...it has been almost 3 yrs , and I miss him so much that it hurts,I miss him every second of every hour of everyday, 365 days a year, a chunk of me died with him. I will step in every so often and tell my stories.
P.S. if this offends you, then just don't read it!!!
"Treat the earth well, it was not given to you by your parents, it was loaned to you by your children" |
Edited by - 1badmamawolf on Apr 10 2010 09:20:43 AM |
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Sheep Mom 2
True Blue Farmgirl
1534 Posts
Sheri
Elk
WA
USA
1534 Posts |
Posted - Apr 10 2010 : 10:10:34 AM
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I lost my husband 20 years ago in a terrible accident. Even though I have moved on in my life, I still think of him every day. I know what you mean when you say a part of you died with him - I feel the same way.
I met my husband as a friend of my room mate when I was in college. We were living in my parents house - they had retired and moved but didn't want to sell their house right away so I was living there with a room mate. Anyway, we had an extra room that was just being used for storage. He needed a place to live and he kept showing up with his old guitar and his dog. Finally, because I got tired of him always on the doorstep asking if he could rent the room, I said yes he could move in. He was from Great Neck NY and had never lived "out west" before. I was a music major in college and he had been too. He used to come in in the wee hours after partying while I was sitting at the kitchen counter doing music notation homework. So our first connection was music. We used to have friends that came over and brought their instruments and we would all sit around and play and sing for hours and hours. So, we were friends first. He was this skinny Chinese guy and started working construction and would be just thrashed when he'd get home from work. He was moving boulders with a pry bar that were bigger than he was. I used to give him massages so he could move and make it to work the next day. Eventually our friendship grew into something more. We joined a rock band together and played the bar circuits in the evenings and weekends and worked during the day. We married three years later.
Blessings, Sheri
"Work is Love made visible" -Kahlil Gibran |
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Bear5
True Blue Farmgirl
13055 Posts
Louisiana/Texas
USA
13055 Posts |
Posted - Apr 10 2010 : 11:15:11 AM
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Teresa:
I LOVE your idea of having this thread!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It has helped me so much reading your postings of your husband. I take everything you, Julia, Sheri say at heart. I've lost five loved ones in my immediate family, and I love talking about them, sharing their stories. So, often, when I am reading about stories from you, or Julia, I smile and think back on my loved ones that are gone. It is comforting to me to remember. Share away!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm ready to read!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
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Bear5
True Blue Farmgirl
13055 Posts
Louisiana/Texas
USA
13055 Posts |
Posted - Apr 10 2010 : 11:19:33 AM
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Hi Sheri:
Your post sure got my attention. Music major!!! Music notation homework!!!!!!!!! I, too, majored in music. I enjoyed reading about your sweet husband. I am sorry for your loss. Thanks for sharing with us. As I've mentioned to others, share more, I'm ready to read. Was your husband a music major, also? My husband has NO music abilities!!!!! When I'm working on the beginnings of a new composition, he walks by saying that sure is a nice piece of music. I just laugh, saying it's not even finished yet. Or, really funny, he'll say, is that Mozart or Bach? What a hoot!!!!!!! Have a grand day!
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
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Annika
True Blue Farmgirl
5602 Posts
Annika
USA
5602 Posts |
Posted - Apr 10 2010 : 11:35:39 AM
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If it was left to me, this would be made a sticky post. We can all learn from each other so much and help each other through the grief. I haven't lost my mate so far, but I've lost my mama, aunt and all of my grandparents to cancer. Please post *BIG HUGSSSSSS*
Annika
Farmgirl & sister #13
Palouse Prairie Girls Chapter
http://palouseprairiegirls.blogspot.com/
http://prairiegirlsjournal.blogspot.com/
Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication. ~Leonardo DaVinci
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Sheep Mom 2
True Blue Farmgirl
1534 Posts
Sheri
Elk
WA
USA
1534 Posts |
Posted - Apr 10 2010 : 12:12:41 PM
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Yes, he was a music major too. He was a fantastic guitarist - he could play anything from classical to jazz and everything inbetween. He was also a classical violinist. He loved his music so much. I don't play very much anymore as it isn't the same without him.
Blessings, Sheri
"Work is Love made visible" -Kahlil Gibran |
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1badmamawolf
True Blue Farmgirl
2199 Posts
Teresa
"Bent Fence Farms"
Ca
USA
2199 Posts |
Posted - Apr 10 2010 : 1:59:57 PM
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I didn't mean to exclude those who have lost other family members and close friends, please, if you want to tell stories about them, please do.
"Treat the earth well, it was not given to you by your parents, it was loaned to you by your children" |
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CountryBorn
True Blue Farmgirl
1545 Posts
Mary Jane
New York
USA
1545 Posts |
Posted - Apr 10 2010 : 2:28:03 PM
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I am so glad to see this topic posted. it can help so much to be able to talk about the loved one or loved ones you have lost.There are a lot of poeple who don't want to hear about losing someone or hear you talk about how much you miss them and love still love them. I think honestly it makes them uncomfortable. I used to say I felt people acted like it might be "catching" if they listened to you. Like it was going to happen to them too if they acknowledged it.To many I was no longer just Mary Jane, I was the woman whose daughter died. What most people don't realize is how much it hurts never to say their name out loud or tell a funny story,to just talk about them. Never mentioning them does not help, it makes the hurt so much worse. Sometimes even now years later, I wait until I am alone or in the car and just say my daughters name, Karin, out loud just to hear it and say it again. Yes, I have learned to live a good life again, I am not maudlin or always crying. But, I do still cry sometimes and know what, that's ok. I probably will my whole life. I still think of her everyday. I hope the day never comes that I don't. Because of her being here I am a better person. She was one of the kindest, gentlest most loving souls I have ever met in my life. That I always want to remember and hold so close to my heart. Teresa, thanks again for this topic. I think it will be a wonderful thing for a lot of us.
Love and Hugs, MJ
There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do. Freya Stark |
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kristin sherrill
True Blue Farmgirl
11303 Posts
kristin
chickamauga
ga
USA
11303 Posts |
Posted - Apr 10 2010 : 6:09:45 PM
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Teresa, what a great post. I am so sorry for all of you who have lost loved ones. It's so sad. My dad died when I was 18. I miss him so much. I think sometimes I see him in a crowd or hear his voice. He was a very good singer and played every instrument. He was chior director and music teacher in school. Because he died in California and I was in Ga. and he was creamated before we got there, it still never seems real to me. I think if I could have seen his body it would be real.
I so love to read your stories. Please never stop talking about them.
Kris
Happiness is simple. |
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cheneygal
True Blue Farmgirl
503 Posts
Suzie
Cheney
Wa.
USA
503 Posts |
Posted - Apr 10 2010 : 9:29:19 PM
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What a great idea Teresa, just what us "widow women" need, I'll be here to share when I get a little braver!!
live, laugh, love |
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melody
True Blue Farmgirl
3329 Posts
Melody
The Great North Woods in the Land of Hiawatha
USA
3329 Posts |
Posted - Apr 10 2010 : 9:57:17 PM
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I am truly humbled by the posts made on this thread. Gives me goosebumps to read your stories. I feel a little like maybe I shouldn't read the posts they seem so personal and I have not lost anyone yet in my life. I have lost, but not in the sense that you dear women have lost.
This is a great thread and I think it will give us who have not lost in your sense a small glimpse of what we are afraid to ask. Does that make any sense?
Anyway...keep posting ladies I feel this could be very good for all of us to learn from you.
"The best mirror is an old friend."
- George Herbert
Melody
Farmgirl #525
www.melodynotes-melodynotes.blogspot.com
www.lemonverbenasoap.etsy.com
www.longtallsallys.etsy.com
www.andsewitgoes.etsy.com |
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Chives
True Blue Farmgirl
232 Posts
Victoria
Shelton
Washington
USA
232 Posts |
Posted - Apr 11 2010 : 08:13:45 AM
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| My husband died 11 years ago. He and I and his best friend since child hood always did things. His best friend was going through a divorce and we helped him out. My husband had a bad heart attack and asked his best friend to make sure I would be alright. He promised him he would. When he died we both cried together. He helped me with all the arangements. He was there through the whole thing. He kept his promise and we got married two years later. I miss my first husband and I will always love him. My second husband and I bought a farm and he is now building me a greenhouse. He is my best friend. But its nice to be able to talk about my first to him because he misses him to. Vicki sister 280 |
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phonelady
True Blue Farmgirl
323 Posts
Carla
Loveland
Colorado
323 Posts |
Posted - Apr 11 2010 : 08:19:07 AM
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My Momma was the one I lost suddenly. She was only 56 when she went to the Great Beyond.
She had a debilitating disease that she beat by 32 years, so I had the blessing of having her around for that long. It was when she got the second terminal disease that I knew her time here was now limited. I moved near her and spent the last two years with her.
She continued to live her life up until the day she went. Painting, cooking for her family and just being that wonderful person that she was.
Your right, it's funny how American's won't talk about those who have gone. But that is the best way to keep them with us. In Japan there is a place in the living quarters where a shrine is set up with pictures of the relatives who have gone - they are still an active part of the family life. Same for many tribes in Africa. The grandparents are still talked to and a space is made in family doings.
I have Momma's photo on the wall here with the family pictures [I am lucky to have photos of rellies back to great great grandma]. Thing is, Momma and those who have Gone Beyond are mixed in with the living.
I miss talking to her and our Thursday lunches and getting her opinion on this or that. When I finished my first sewing project [a MJ apron] I wanted her to see it, soo bad, because she could make all this stuff with the sewing machine and it took me until I was 46 years old to do something simple. She would have got a kick out of that little half apron.
What I hope is that I continue her legacy. She was a teacher a writer and a very loving person with a good set of morals and values. She helped train several young people who became Doctors and did the corporate lecture circuit to help people deal with life and make something positive result.
Just a few weeks ago I graduated with a Master's Degree in Adult Education and I am an active Family History Research and FH writer.
I think I may be the one in the family with the highest education level...
Momma had always talked about education and was pursuing her Master's in writing when she was cut short. [I will always wonder what she would have accomplished if she had been allowed to stay...]
I still cry when I think about her and miss her. But I'm sure glad I am given the privilege of being her daughter and got the gift of growing up with her when the circumstances could have been alot different.
{I still haven't done her memorial writing because I start crying and such. I need to get that done though, so her grandkids will know what she was like and how special.
Ok, gotta go. Can't see the screen anymore...
Carla
It's not just life-
It's an adventure! |
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solilly
True Blue Farmgirl
726 Posts
Lillian
Williamsburg
Virginia
USA
726 Posts |
Posted - Apr 11 2010 : 08:29:05 AM
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This is a much needed thread for many. I have lost many family members, both parents, Aunts, Uncles, cousins and many friends some very very close. I think we all in some way need to talk but sometime feel like people would not understand the things one feels about their losses. Thanks for opening up this thread. I also like reading about others and there lives. Hugs, Kisses, and love. Lilly
learning the life I always wanted. |
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classygram
True Blue Farmgirl
1812 Posts
Brenda
Pleasant Hill
Mo.
USA
1812 Posts |
Posted - Apr 11 2010 : 08:47:13 AM
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I'm so glad that you started this thread. I have lost many close friends and family members. Most recent was my "daddy". Yes I'm 57 and he was always, daddy. I remember once when we were out among many people and I said something about daddy, and someone said,"Did you say daddy?" And I answered, "Yes I did, and I'm proud of him." He will always be my daddy in my heart, in my prayers, and in my conversations. I miss him so much, It's been three years and seems like yesterday. And as I'm writing this I can feel myself chocking up and tears in my eyes. But that's ok, because when you love someone dearly and can no longer look into their eyes and touch them, It only reminds you of the special relationship you had and will forever live with you. It hurts when people think you should just suck it up and move on. Yes moving on is something we must do, but the loved ones in our lives will continue on with us throughout our journey in our hearts and memories. I love reading all your posts, for it shows just how much love is out there in this different world we are living in now. Thank you all for sharing.
HUGS~~~~~Brenda
"What lies behind us, and what lies before us are small matter compared to what lies within us."
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Seek reasons to Love..In every sigment of everyday-look for something that brings forth within you a feeling of Love-Abraham Hicks |
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1badmamawolf
True Blue Farmgirl
2199 Posts
Teresa
"Bent Fence Farms"
Ca
USA
2199 Posts |
Posted - Apr 11 2010 : 09:25:53 AM
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There is nothing more presious than the love we give and the love we receive, whether it be from a husband, significant other, our parents and G/parents, our children, our G/children, our siblings or our friends. When we lose that person, it can be SO devastating, we don't know how we will ever go on, but we do. Everyone grieves in a differant way, and for a differant length of time, (and we never really stop). There are many people who do not understand this, and say hurtful things like, "get over it", you need help if you are still dwelling on this. These people have never suffered a loss so great that every fiber of our being is on fire with the devastation and lonliness of it. I know, I've been there. My husband was the kindest, most loving husband, father, G/father and friend, that you could ever know. We were each others rocks,best friends, lovers and partners. I can honestly say that I can't wait to see him again, in the after life. He made me laugh, he made me cry in a good way, he could make me melt with just a slight touch. We could finnish each others thoughts and sentences, we could work side by side, and never say a word, cause we just knew what to do next, to finish that job in unison. some people say, there is no such thing as love at first sight, but the day I met him on the side of the road, I knew, just knew we were destined to be as one. He really was my soul mate, and there will never be another.
"Treat the earth well, it was not given to you by your parents, it was loaned to you by your children" |
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nubidane
True Blue Farmgirl
2916 Posts
Lisa
Georgetown
OH
2916 Posts |
Posted - Apr 11 2010 : 09:37:47 AM
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Teresa
God Bless you for this thread. I hae noticed from your previous posts, that your hubby was your heart. |
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1badmamawolf
True Blue Farmgirl
2199 Posts
Teresa
"Bent Fence Farms"
Ca
USA
2199 Posts |
Posted - Apr 11 2010 : 09:51:56 AM
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Lisa, yes he was and still is my heart, and my soul, and a major reason that I am the women , that I am today.
"Treat the earth well, it was not given to you by your parents, it was loaned to you by your children" |
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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl
2325 Posts
Susan
Lonsdale
MN
USA
2325 Posts |
Posted - Apr 11 2010 : 10:30:58 AM
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Thanks for this thread. I love to hear about true love, that lasts beyond the years we actually have on this earth.
My husband's sister died when she was 22 years old. In their family once a person is dead they are almost never mentioned again. That seems so frightening as is death is contagious!
When her husband died, my MIL was so deep in anger for his leaving her that all she could say were bad things. If he was that terrible would she have been with him for almost 40 years? and cared for him in the last couple of years when his health was seriously failing?
Cherish the love and thanks for sharing with us.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver |
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Sheep Mom 2
True Blue Farmgirl
1534 Posts
Sheri
Elk
WA
USA
1534 Posts |
Posted - Apr 11 2010 : 10:37:57 AM
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I think that grief is the most raw and overwhelming emotion that we get to experience. In a 9 month period, I lost first my Dad who was so close to me and then a few months later, my husband in an accident. It's like you are kicked in the gut and got the wind knocked out of you. It's hard to be 32 with two small kids, a house with exclusively wood heat that is only half built, and a construction business, and a mother with major health problems. But we get through it even though we never thought we could. I think if I had to describe it to someone who had never experienced it, I would use the term "a rending of the soul". It's like something within you has been torn into shreds. Slowly, you stitch your world back together, but the scars from the wound still linger. How can you explain to others why his boots still sit by the door and his coat on the hook months later because you can't stand the finality of putting them away? Eventually you do, but the task of packing up a life is so huge and so final. I still have boxes of his things - like all the little bric-a-brac from his top dresser drawer, things like pictures, letters, drill bits, business cards - the everyday things that people keep out of their pockets in a box. And - crazy as it sounds, I kept one of his work shirts from the hamper in a zip loc bag. Twenty years later, I can open that bag and smell his unique smell. Yes, it is a pain that never really goes away. Teresa, I do know how you feel.
Blessings, Sheri
"Work is Love made visible" -Kahlil Gibran |
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1badmamawolf
True Blue Farmgirl
2199 Posts
Teresa
"Bent Fence Farms"
Ca
USA
2199 Posts |
Posted - Apr 11 2010 : 12:08:58 PM
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Sheri, my hubbys jacket is STILL hanging on the hook on the backside of the front door. I have not gotten rid of any thing of his, as you call it bric-a-brac, is still on his dresser. His clothes are packed away, and maybe someday, I will donate them, just not yet.His boots are still lined up by the back door, along with mine, and thats where they will stay, for now.I still wear one of his t-shirts to bed, and I kept his colonge, right where it is in the bathroom. Some may think this strange, or not healthy, TUFF, its my life and my grief, no one elses.
"Treat the earth well, it was not given to you by your parents, it was loaned to you by your children" |
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Sheep Mom 2
True Blue Farmgirl
1534 Posts
Sheri
Elk
WA
USA
1534 Posts |
Posted - Apr 11 2010 : 12:41:35 PM
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Amen to that one, Teresa. If it brings you some measure of comfort or continuity then who cares what others may think.... Now my Mom was the opposite - she got rid of all my Dads things within just a few weeks. Everyone is different and there is no right or wrong way to deal with the pain life deals us.
Blessings, Sheri
"Work is Love made visible" -Kahlil Gibran |
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cheneygal
True Blue Farmgirl
503 Posts
Suzie
Cheney
Wa.
USA
503 Posts |
Posted - Apr 11 2010 : 8:49:35 PM
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Where to start....my late dh and I met when I was 29,almost 30, divorced a couple of yrs., he was 45, we met quite by accident, in a bar, neither of us wanting to be there, we both were with friends who took a liking for each other, so the next night the 4 of us were there again. Pete just wanted to "have dinner with someone and some good conversation. I thought why not, give the guy a chance, and afterall, it's just dinner!! He picked me up at work as I didn't want him to know where I lived, he joked for years after that, that I drove home 80 mph, so he couldn't follow me, he couldn't have cared less. I saw him here and there, he was pretty persistant, my mom and dad had heard all about him around town as they were business owners. Wrong religion, had been married, had kids, etc. all the wrong reasons for their daughter. Something inside me just said "this guy is alright"!!! We were married in Reno 9 mos. later. My guy had diesel smoke in his blood and was a "truckin' guy", like many of you girls', he loved it. I worked 3 or 4 days a week, so went with whenever I could. He showed me so much, so many places, what grew here, or there, how to really appreciate people for what they are, and learned about trucking from one end to the other. He has two sons I adore, and who have grown into successful men, husbands and fathers. More next time, this has got to help with the healing process, I want to savor it!!
live, laugh, love |
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maggie14
True Blue Farmgirl
6784 Posts
Hannah
Washington
USA
6784 Posts |
Posted - Apr 11 2010 : 9:09:28 PM
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My heart goes out to all you ladies who have lost loved ones! You are all in my prayers! I have lost, both my grandpas, and one grandma. All I have left is my one grandma on my dads side, 3 uncles, 1 aunt, 4 cousins, and thats it. We are a very small family. :(
Hugs,
Channah
Farmgirl sister #1219
Just a small town country girl trying to live her dreams. :) |
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Annab
True Blue Farmgirl
2900 Posts
Anna
Seagrove
NC
USA
2900 Posts |
Posted - Apr 12 2010 : 03:43:12 AM
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When my grandmother lost her husband, she didn't put his things away right away.
She took her time and was very methodical about it.
She went through drawers one by one, one day at a time as she felt ready.
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1badmamawolf
True Blue Farmgirl
2199 Posts
Teresa
"Bent Fence Farms"
Ca
USA
2199 Posts |
Posted - Apr 12 2010 : 08:33:33 AM
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Suzie, my hubby was a diesel mechanic, he worked off the Farm/Ranch 4-6 days a week, so he had that smoke in and on him as well. The smells of trucks can bring a smile to my lips and just as easy, a tear to my eye.
"Treat the earth well, it was not given to you by your parents, it was loaned to you by your children" |
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Across the Fence: Stories from us widow women..... |
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Stories from us widow women.....
