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Family Matters:  Ungrateful child, (mine this time)...  |
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goneriding
True Blue Farmgirl
1599 Posts
Winona
Central Oregon
USA
1599 Posts |
 Posted - Dec 10 2009 : 10:46:28 AM
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This is a kind of take-off of the 'give her back' post. I have a daughter who was a PITA growing up. I mean, I look at her now and wonder if I picked up the wrong kid at the hosp. Sometimes my mind just separates her and I even tend to 'forget' about her, she's so hateful at times. It's gotten where I don't want to talk to her. She remembers every little thing that I did wrong while she was growing up and will bring it up on a moments' notice.
I used to wonder why people would avoid us after a first meeting and now I've figgered out that she is very capable of saying lies about us and the new-met people don't know the difference. I've noticed she tells tales about other events but will leave out important details that changes the whole conversation.
Welp, long story short, I don't want anything to do with her. I'm afraid of her and am sort of worried that she has my physical address. I've told some close friends (hubby knows all there is to know) about her and given them her address in case something happens. Yes, it's that bad. Hubby has said for years he's thought she had a screw loose and I couldn't accept it but now, in hindsight, I think she is does. She is a master manipulator, you've never seen how a person can manipulate others like she can.
She has a genius IQ to boot.
Anyone else have a problem child like this?? Do the years blunt their anger at you? I've pretty well given up cuz the stress is starting to affect my health. Any advice??
For uber-opinionated, pleasurable horse related reading, please visit http://horseinfoperson.blogspot.com/
I have some other blogs in the works...please stay tuned and I'll let you know where to go! :-)
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walkinwalkoutcattle
True Blue Farmgirl
1675 Posts
Megan
Paint Lick
KY
USA
1675 Posts |
Posted - Dec 10 2009 : 1:34:25 PM
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Well, I have a sister in law who is a pathological liar, a manipulator, and is in general, nuts. So, when you figure it out, let me know. I've tried cutting all ties (she lives too close-less than a mile away) I've tried being nice, I've tried being mean, nothing helps!
Starbucks and sushi to green fried tomatoes and corn pudding-I wouldn't change it for the world.
www.cattleandcupcakes.blogspot.com |
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Karrieann
True Blue Farmgirl
1900 Posts
Karrieann
Northeast
Georgia
USA
1900 Posts |
Posted - Dec 10 2009 : 2:46:57 PM
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awwww ((((HUGS)))
Karrieann ~ Farmgirl Sister #766
(29 Sept 2009) |
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1badmamawolf
True Blue Farmgirl
2199 Posts
Teresa
"Bent Fence Farms"
Ca
USA
2199 Posts |
Posted - Dec 10 2009 : 3:09:30 PM
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they say there is a very fine line between madness and genius, and I'm sorry you are going thru this. I really wish there was something miraculous I could say, that would fix it all. I hope for everyone, she gets some help, sooner than later, and big hugs to you and yours
"Treat the earth well, it was not given to you by your parents, it was loaned to you by your children" |
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KayB
True Blue Farmgirl
540 Posts
Kay
Del City
Oklahoma
USA
540 Posts |
Posted - Dec 10 2009 : 3:41:46 PM
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ME!!! My oldest daughter has decided she doesn't know if she can bring the kids and spend Christmas her because I got an attitude with her about fixing her car after I scraped it. I didn't, but then I don't know what happens with her. Her childhood was a bit of a mess, but then I never said I was the perfect mother, either. I did the best I could, but according to her it was so miserable. She told her younger sister that the only reason they came up for Thanksgiving is so that her husband could see how crazy I am and how I drive her nuts.
Then, there's my son who I actually had to have him locked up in juvie about 10 years ago. I was honestly afraid for my life and well-being with him around. I had to have a restraining order filed against him and the cops were always afraid of what they would find when they came to our house. This started when his dad got so sick and they ended up at the former in-laws' home and I somehow became the devil incarnate. According to his dad and grandy he was God's gift to the earth and when they died and he came back home because his grandfather didn't want him, and so it began. Now that he is on his own and married with a stepson, he gets it and we have a truce. But I still worry about my oldest. Luckily, it doesn't sound as bad as yours, but it is still scary.
I'll be praying for you.
KayB
Life's a dance you learn as you go |
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prariehawk
True Blue Farmgirl
2914 Posts
Cindy
2914 Posts |
Posted - Dec 10 2009 : 4:57:27 PM
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I can understand your being scared of her--I have a neighbor whose daughter hung out with druggies and the mother was afraid the daughter might burn down the house with her in it. I don't know how she finally got rid of her, but things are OK now. Add to that her having a high IQ--I've had some friends with genius level IQ's and they were nuts (though it took me a while to realize it). One had a sex-change operation and the other tried to pick up some young girls as they were walking home from school. I sometimes think that having a high IQ predisposes a person towards craziness. Yeah, we can all tell stories about our rotten childhoods but we survived, didn't we? Why dwell on the past? Sounds like she's never come to terms with decisions she made when she was young--even children decide how they're going to adjust to the problems that life throws at them. Sometimes they make bad decisions when it comes to coping and then they blame their problems on everyone but themselves. Sorry if this sounds too psycho-analytical, but most of the time, these maladjusted kids just don't want to be responsible for who they are. Does that make sense? I don't know if this helps but I can sympathize with what you're going through. Oh, and the friend of mine who tried to pick up the girls also thought his brother was Jesus. And this guy held a job with top-secret clearance. Geniuses can be nut cases. I now try to avoid them.
Cindy |
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kristin sherrill
True Blue Farmgirl
11303 Posts
kristin
chickamauga
ga
USA
11303 Posts |
Posted - Dec 10 2009 : 5:45:01 PM
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Winona, I'm so sorry you're going through this with your daughter. And that you're afraid of her and what she might do. I was never afraid of my DD. She has gotten help and is on meds now. She seems to have settled down a bit.
I think that we can't do anything about how our kids turn out. It's all up to them. We do the best we can with what we know and the rest is up to them. All we can really do is leave them in God's hands and let Him take care of them. He made them and loves them way more than we ever can. So we just have to back away and "let go and let God." I love that. I have to do that way too many times with both mine. They are both still alive and making pretty good descisions now. I did the best I could.
I will pray for your safety and hers also. I hope that she can get the help she needs.
Kris
Happiness is simple. |
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Bear5
True Blue Farmgirl
13055 Posts
Louisiana/Texas
USA
13055 Posts |
Posted - Dec 10 2009 : 7:07:47 PM
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Winona:
Sad to read this, but hugs to you. There comes a time in a parents heart that they just have to put it in God's hands. So sorry you are going through this. Another hug to you.
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
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sherrye
True Blue Farmgirl
3775 Posts
sherry
bend in the high desert
oregon
USA
3775 Posts |
Posted - Dec 10 2009 : 7:12:14 PM
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| hi winona, i am so sorry you are going thru this. if i can help you let me know. i am a central oregon girl too. i am in redmond area. hang in there. i send hugs and prayers your way sherrye silk purse farm |
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Faransgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
895 Posts
Beth
Houston
Texas
USA
895 Posts |
Posted - Dec 10 2009 : 8:15:13 PM
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Hi Winona, I am so sorry you are going through this but I can tell you that it may never stop. My Mom has been going through this with my younger brother for over 40 years. He has been violent and angry since he was 5 and kicked in the TV. He has seriously beaten her up twice, had his kids taken away from him and this past Thanksgiving he pulled a kitchen knife on my Mom, my Sister and my other Brother. My family had already left to go home, thank God because I have three daughters. My brother and sister called the police and had him arrested. He called my Mom the next day and asked her "How could you guys do this to me" imagine that. I wish I could say it will stop as she gets older but he is 49 and we are all praying they will put him away this time because we don't know what he might do when and if he gets out. The fight started because he wanted to call his daughter at 11:30 in the evening and she has a new born baby. They told him he couldn't call her because it would disturb her and the baby and he went off on everyone. We can't really say if he is smart because he has always been a real screw-up. Dropped out of school, in and out of jail, kids taken away, drugs and drinking.
Just focus on taking care of yourself. That is the important thing right now and if you have to completely cut her loose that is what you will have to do. My Mom is in her 70's and she is still putting up with all of that and she is afraid all the time. But, she keeps giving him another chance. Please don't live your life in fear it isn't worth it.
Farmgirl Sister 572
May the force of the horse be with you. |
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goneriding
True Blue Farmgirl
1599 Posts
Winona
Central Oregon
USA
1599 Posts |
Posted - Dec 10 2009 : 8:40:49 PM
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Oh, thank all of you so much for the support! After sitting and thinking about her for that past week or so, I still feel the same, I don't want anything to do with her. Feel a bit guilty about it but there it is. Even my even-tempered son doesn't want to be around her but that another long story...and he has good reason.
I see mothers who keep trying and their kid just gets worse or at least stays as bad and never changes. I can't see the up side to this. She seems like she's going to be mad and hateful to me, no matter what I do.
So, this is sort of like I'm not alone with a wingnut child. Isn't that sad, feeling like your own child is, at best, a wingnut?? But, I like to look truth straight in the eye and it is what it is.
For uber-opinionated, pleasurable horse related reading, please visit http://horseinfoperson.blogspot.com/
I have some other blogs in the works...please stay tuned and I'll let you know where to go! :-)
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maggie14
True Blue Farmgirl
6784 Posts
Hannah
Washington
USA
6784 Posts |
Posted - Dec 10 2009 : 10:03:06 PM
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Ladies, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I'll be praying for you all!!!
Hugs,
Channah
If you can dream it, and if you are willing to put forth the work and effort, you can have anything you envision. |
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Bear5
True Blue Farmgirl
13055 Posts
Louisiana/Texas
USA
13055 Posts |
Posted - Dec 11 2009 : 10:19:33 AM
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Channah:
How kind of you. You must have a gigantic heart! God Bless.
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
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Diane B Carter
True Blue Farmgirl
1270 Posts
Diane
Blasdell
N.Y.
USA
1270 Posts |
Posted - Dec 11 2009 : 10:42:56 AM
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I to am sorry you all have to go through this, My one son never gave me a second of trouble my other, we had a few bad times but nothing like you are going through. If you have to walk away to be safe then thats what you must do. Or you can keep trying to tell her you love her and your sorry she can't see that for herself. It's up to you, you need a life without all the drama. Thats what TV is for. May God bless you all and may you all find the peace you need and deserve.
Hope all your days are Sunnydays.
dianebcarterhotmailcom.blogspot.com |
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maggie14
True Blue Farmgirl
6784 Posts
Hannah
Washington
USA
6784 Posts |
Posted - Dec 11 2009 : 6:06:28 PM
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Thank you Marly.  I only wish I could do more! Let me know if I can!
Hugs,
Channah
If you can dream it, and if you are willing to put forth the work and effort, you can have anything you envision. |
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Claude09647
True Blue Farmgirl
761 Posts
Claudia
Our Dairy Farm
Pennsylvania
USA
761 Posts |
Posted - Dec 11 2009 : 10:05:30 PM
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this is going to be short but as i was reading this i was thinking of something my mother tells me. We grew up and she could tell me what to do and when to do it.... Now that i'm not under her roof and grown up, she tells me she can't tell me what to do anymore, but she can tell me what she thinks about what i'm doing....
I hope this helps in some sort of way
http://claude09647.blogspot.com/
Check out my ETSY store too! I'm loving it!
http://www.etsy.com/shop/Claudiascraftshop |
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MaryLD
True Blue Farmgirl
861 Posts
Mary
New Braunfels
TX
USA
861 Posts |
Posted - Jan 02 2010 : 06:08:19 AM
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Dear Winona,
I know this may sound kind of harsh, but please consider trying to find some mental health information on the internet.
Look up OCD, Bi- Polar, Depression, Anxiety Disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder on the internet, and see what you find. There are also family support groups for family members of the mentally ill, if that turns out to be the issue. I forgot the name of the primary one, but they sometimes offer a series of classes to family members as well.
Good luck! My family has gone through challenges as well. Hugs!!
My Best,
Mary LD
Haflingers- You can't have just one!
( I'm just one short of a drill team!) |
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lilwing
True Blue Farmgirl
1403 Posts
Brooke
Fulshear
Texas
USA
1403 Posts |
Posted - Jan 02 2010 : 3:51:46 PM
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Hey, I understand! I have a sister just like that! .. Err, actually, two, but one's from my mom and one is from my dad! Sometimes it happens, My sisters and I are about as different as they come... I was raised with the one from my mom...not the one from my dad... the one from my mom is exactly as you described your daughter.... my mom had enough and we all aren't speaking to her...or rather..maybe she isn't speaking to us.... as for the one from my dad... she is so weird...and nothing is ever good enough for her! I am done with it! I at least have one other sister and one brother (both from my mom) ... and well, that's fine...I'm so sick of the problems with the others! No more!
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Proud Farmgirl #775
http://maggielousdaughter.blogspot.com
(in construction!)
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Bear5
True Blue Farmgirl
13055 Posts
Louisiana/Texas
USA
13055 Posts |
Posted - Jan 02 2010 : 8:32:09 PM
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I often wonder why some children hurt their parents. I am so thanksful for having the parents I had. They may had died when I was young, but they gave to me the meaning of respect for others, love for others, understanding, etc... I do feel sorry for some of the younger generation who will never have that. It's a sad thing. I respect your honesty Winona. Say it like it is. I do wish you the very best this new year. Stay strong.
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
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lilwing
True Blue Farmgirl
1403 Posts
Brooke
Fulshear
Texas
USA
1403 Posts |
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goneriding
True Blue Farmgirl
1599 Posts
Winona
Central Oregon
USA
1599 Posts |
Posted - Jan 03 2010 : 11:25:28 AM
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My daughter has had every sort of doctor and therapy and diagnosing you can think of. Once, just to give you an idea of what I've tried to do, when someone was telling me of the various places I could go for her treatment, we'd already been to them ALL. Every last one of them. The person I was talking to didn't believe I had and upon checking (shortened story version here), found that we'd been there. Matter of fact, a counselor once told me that whenever she got someone riled up at me about 'how I've treated her', just let the riled up person take my daughter for 2 weeks and we'll just see how their tune will change. Oh, yes, that happened!!
As with certain people in my hubby's family, I'm just flat through. I go back to the 'just because you're blood (or married into), you don't have to put up with abuse'.
I don't know what else I can do but I do feel a sense of relief now. I miss her, terribly at times, but all I have to do is think of something she's done and that 'missing her' goes right away.
For uber-opinionated, pleasurable horse related reading, please visit http://horseinfoperson.blogspot.com/
I have some other blogs in the works...please stay tuned and I'll let you know where to go! :-)
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Chives
True Blue Farmgirl
232 Posts
Victoria
Shelton
Washington
USA
232 Posts |
Posted - Jan 03 2010 : 11:49:42 AM
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| I have a mother and a sister that sounds like your daughter. I had a tough time growing up with that. I have an Aunt that has helped me alot. Your daughter likes to have the "power" over you. You just cant let that happen. If you start acting like it does not bother you when she goes off. She will stop. When she starts just say oh I have to go. I dont have time for this. Be nice but firm. You have a lot more things to do then be bothered with toxic waste. You are your own person. You have your own life. Some people just cant see past themselvs. Hang in there. Ps when she comes over just put a hat on a tell her your on your way somewhere.When people know they cant control you they will leave you alone. I hope this helps and doesnt make me sound bad. Sister #280 |
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dutchy
True Blue Farmgirl
4427 Posts
4427 Posts |
Posted - Jan 03 2010 : 12:49:54 PM
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Hugs to all who go through this difficult time. My mom had severe dementia and also was schizofrenic the last few yrs of her life. She was DIFFICULT to say the least and I was her sole care giver. 'Nuf said.
Hugs from Marian/Dutchy, a farmgirl from the Netherlands :)
My personal blog:
http://just-me-a-dutch-girl.blogspot.com/
Almost daily updates on me and mine :)
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magnoliakathy
True Blue Farmgirl
453 Posts
Kathryn
Magnolia
Texas
USA
453 Posts |
Posted - Jan 03 2010 : 3:07:00 PM
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Protect your self any way you can, you raised her, and did the best you could, cut the nut case from your life no matter what it takes. I have spent too many hours trying to figure out what I did wrong and finally when my daughter was 30 I asked her what I did wrong and she said "nothing, I just wanted to listen to my friends more than I wanted to listen to you." Kids do not come with instructions, owner's manuals or return policies. I am blessed with my son, who is a wonderful young man, not perfect but I think he is great and so does his wife. I no longer send money or any help to my daughter, because I never know if she really needs it or is just sponging off of me. I wish I could say it is easy, but it isn't and you have to take it one day at time. You have my prayers and best wishes.
When you free your mind your heart can fly. Farmgirl # 714, |
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goneriding
True Blue Farmgirl
1599 Posts
Winona
Central Oregon
USA
1599 Posts |
Posted - Jan 03 2010 : 8:35:26 PM
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Magnolia, you nailed it. I don't send money any more but when I used to, I often wondered if she really, really needed it or was sponging. Once, she did say that her childhood wasn't that bad (horse shows, expensive horses, vacations, traveling, family-stuff, etc.) and she didn't know why she acted the way she did. But it was only once and I didn't really pick up on the latter part of the statement. I never really believed she would be or turn out as she has.
My son is the bestest in the world, a great hubby and fab father. I'm so proud of him! I want to say that about my daughter but in my heart, I'd be lying, sad to say.
At any rate, thanks to all for the replies and support. So many people have judged us without knowing (I just couldn't tell people back then)and it's nice to know you're not alone when dealing with stuff like this. 
For uber-opinionated, pleasurable horse related reading, please visit http://horseinfoperson.blogspot.com/
I have some other blogs in the works...please stay tuned and I'll let you know where to go! :-)
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Bear5
True Blue Farmgirl
13055 Posts
Louisiana/Texas
USA
13055 Posts |
Posted - Jan 04 2010 : 3:06:06 PM
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I'm glad to hear that the "sponging" has stopped. My prayers to all of you.
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
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Family Matters: Ungrateful child, (mine this time)... |
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Ungrateful child, (mine this time)...
