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Across the Fence:  Can we talk?  |
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lisamarie508
True Blue Farmgirl
2648 Posts
Lisa
Idaho City
ID
USA
2648 Posts |
 Posted - Sep 05 2009 : 3:37:33 PM
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I'm sitting here crying like a baby. This farmgirl's not plowing though very well, lately. I'm so fed up with everything and I'm so angry about the way my life is right now. I'm not suicidal or having any stupid thoughts like that. I'm just so sad and angry at the same time. I feel like a spoiled little kid who's missing out on all the fun. I've been putting on the big smile for everybody and joking about my condition and telling myself there are lots of other people far worse off than me, but I feel like I'm falling down into this hole and I don't know where the bottom is so I can get a hold and start climbing back out.
For those who don't know, I have lupus and it flared up pretty bad in late June after my divorce. You all know how I LOVE the outdoors and I do anything and everything there is to do outside at the expense of inside housekeeping chores. Now, I'm stuck inside during daylight hours and have been all summer with no end in sight. I can't seem to get the lupus to back down and the meds are adding their own complications. I was forced to put curtains on my windows to block the sun. When I have to go out during the day, I have to wrap up and cover every part of me and look like an idiot. Even with all the gear and an umbrella, the sun still seems to get me and I break out in new blisters or other problems. The only freedom I have outside is near dark or at dark. I'm tired of living like a vampire. Everything happens during the day. It's hard to see at night to mow or garden or anything. It's not legal to hunt or fish with flashlights, can't go rafting, swimming, hiking, yard saleing or to outdoor concerts or the outdoor plays that I love.
I'm so sick of being cooped up inside and not only did I start smoking again, I'm increasing how much I smoke. I know this is really bad for me but, I've been doing it anyway. I've been trying to keep busy in the house and working on remodeling and stuff, but my heart's not really in it. I don't feel like making baskets or sewing...I want to be outside and I'm throwing a tantrum because I can't!
For the first time in my life, I actually think I need a shrink. I'm not sure, but I think my insurance might cover it. But I can't find out for sure til Tuesday. I've never been so angry for so long. I've always been one to shrug things off and go with the flow and make lemonade from the lemons I get. I don't know why I can't seem to do that now. I so hate to disappoint anybody with my bad behavior and I know I'm just being a big baby and need to cowgirl up, but I can't seem to pick my butt up off the ground this time. Why is that? I thought I was stronger than this and that ticks me off, too!
Farmgirl Sister #35
"If you can not do great things, do small things in a great way." Napoleon Hill (1883-1970)
my blog:
http://lisamariesbasketry.blogspot.com/
My apron website:
http://lisamariesaprons.bravehost.com |
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AmethystRose
True Blue Farmgirl
254 Posts
Rosemary
Huntingdon
PA
USA
254 Posts |
Posted - Sep 05 2009 : 4:09:48 PM
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Babies cry because they have needs and are frustrated.
I have no concept of your situation, and do not know what to say. Don't berate yourself for feeling down, it's normal. Everyone is entitled to a good cry once in a while. It helps. |
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prairie_princess
True Blue Farmgirl
613 Posts
Elizabeth
Carpenter
WY
USA
613 Posts |
Posted - Sep 05 2009 : 4:24:40 PM
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lisa, i think everyone deserves to have times of weakness. sometimes our soul needs a good tantrum every once and awhile! i wouldn't be hard on yourself for "being a big baby." you are going through a TOUGH situation that you can't quite control... i know i'd do the same exact thing if i were in your situation. even if it just makes you feel better for the time being. there's no harm in that... you'll plow through it when you are ready to plow through it... you ARE strong because you are opening up about your situation and admitting you don't know how to feel about it and have concerns. at least you've admitted to yourself you feel like you might need some assistance in one form or another to get through it, and that's a good thing! i say give yourself the time you need, find a shoulder to cry on, and i wish you all the luck in the world!
if i've learned anything lately from you farmgirls, it's to find at least one good thing in a bad situation. i know that here, the full moon has been absolutely incredible this week! if you have to be outside, take in the moon's beauty (hopefully it hasn't been cloudy). or take solace in the cricket's songs heralding the fall!
keep us updated with how you are doing, love. all bad times must pass.... don't hesitate to vent to us with your frustrations!
"Only two things that money can't buy, that's true love and homegrown tomatoes."
- Guy Clark
"The man who has planted a garden feels he has done something for the good of the world."
- Charles Dudley Warner |
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Woodswoman
True Blue Farmgirl
512 Posts
Jennifer
Altamont
NY
USA
512 Posts |
Posted - Sep 05 2009 : 4:28:07 PM
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I'm so sorry to hear that things are so difficult for you right now.
If you think talking to a shrink would help, I would definitely recommend it. I went through a tough time about 7 years ago-nasty divorce and a mom with mental health issues. On the advice of a friend, I started seeing a counselor at first a few times a week, then once a week, then once a month, now just as needed.
It really helped-just having this objective person whose ONLY job at that moment was to listen to me and help me figure out what I was feeling and what I wanted to do-fantastic.
Best wishes-we are thinking of you.
Jennifer
Farmgirl Sister #104
"Nature brings to every time and season some beauties of its own".
-Charles Dickens |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22937 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22937 Posts |
Posted - Sep 05 2009 : 5:13:08 PM
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Oh Lisa! I would be frustrated too! It is the worst feeling when your body is rebelling against you! Have you talked to Rene' Groom? (Ruralfarmgirl previously Prosserfarmgirl)? I think she has posted that she has lupus and has been controlling it very successfully without meds. Perhaps she can point you in the right direction for some reading or something that will help? Hope you find that balance soon! *hugs*
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.awarmheart.com
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
www.allergyjourneys.blogspot.com
Put your pin on the farmgirl map! www.farmgirlmap.blogspot.com |
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BarefootGoatGirl
True Blue Farmgirl
1495 Posts
Corrine
North Carolina
USA
1495 Posts |
Posted - Sep 05 2009 : 5:16:18 PM
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lisa,
i see no reason for you to feel down on yourself for your frustration. you are going through a tough time and being denied the things you love is never easy. find a friend and some bug spray and take a midnight picnic (if you live in the country, maybe a swim in the creek or river too). if you think that talking to a shrink would help, so for it. there is nothing to be ashamed about getting the help you need. heaven knows, we all reach that point at one time or another.
*hugs**
What we write today slipped into our souls some other day when we were alone and doing nothing.
-Brenda Ueland
http://quilandneedle.blogspot.com/
http://musingandmuttering.blogspot.com |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22937 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22937 Posts |
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nubidane
True Blue Farmgirl
2875 Posts
Lisa
Georgetown
OH
2875 Posts |
Posted - Sep 05 2009 : 5:51:46 PM
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Oh Lisa, if I was in your shoes, I would be a BIG BABY too! You are not crazy, just feeling crazy from lack of the outdoors! Maybe you can get up real early & do some outside stuff, stay inside during peak sunshine & then hit the outdoors again at dusk..(with a nap in between)
or maybe paint a room of your house bright yellow & make that your "outdoors" for the time being. Prayers & good healing thoughts coming your way..from one Lisa to another! |
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donna rae
True Blue Farmgirl
52 Posts
Donna Rae
Virginia Beach
VA
USA
52 Posts |
Posted - Sep 05 2009 : 6:03:26 PM
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BIG HUGS TO YOU, LISA! You are not a baby, you do not need to cowgirl up, and your butt can stay on the ground for as long as it needs to. Those who love you will hold out their hand to pull you up when you are ready. It's not a matter of being strong enough, which I'm sure you are stronger than you think.
Lisa, I can say from experience that a counselor can DEFINITELY help. In the spring, on top of many other health issues, I unexpectedly had to have my entire colon removed. The counselor was a wonderful, objective sounding board for my feelings and frustrations, many of which sound very similar to yours. One of the key things she talked to me about was being able to mourn what I feel I have lost now that my life is very different. Only then might I be able to truly embrace this new normal.
Take good care of you... you'll be plowing straight and true soon!
Donna Rae
Farmgirl Sister # 593
Colonial Farm Girls
Williamsburg, VA |
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therusticcottage
True Blue Farmgirl
4439 Posts
Kay
Vancouver
WA
USA
4439 Posts |
Posted - Sep 05 2009 : 6:07:23 PM
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Lisa - my heart just hurts for you right now! You've been through so much this summer. No wonder your Lupus has flared up. You do not sound like a whiny baby - you are frustrated, sick, and needed to vent. I agree with Donna - a counselor will definitely help. If your insurance won't cover it then I'm sure there are ones that will do it on a sliding scale. Divorce is hard on anyone and even worse when you have an illness. We are all here for you and I will be praying for you!! Sending you a great big hug!!!
The Rustic Cottage Blog http://therusticcottage.blogspot.com
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Miss2Missus
True Blue Farmgirl
407 Posts
Karen
Asheville
NC
USA
407 Posts |
Posted - Sep 05 2009 : 6:10:47 PM
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I can only imagine what you are going through and im so sorry. i know how meds can make things worse and that does suck. but to be pretty much forced on house arrest and taken away from the world you know and love...i couldnt even imagine.
please dont feel bad about being sad and angry. you have every right.
hugs
Karen ^_^
http://apple-and-eve.blogspot.com/ |
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Jennifer Mulkey
True Blue Farmgirl
59 Posts
Jennifer
Arkansas City
KS
USA
59 Posts |
Posted - Sep 05 2009 : 6:27:20 PM
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Lisa, I have Lupus too. You are NOT being a big baby. Noone who hasn't had this disease can possibly know how frustrated you are right now, and how frustrating our lives can be waiting for another flare, and not ever knowing when it's going to come, or how bad it's going to be. I've tried just about every medication out there. The only thing that slows mine down is prednisone...(how I HATE that medication). But eventually it will slow down, Lisa. It takes time. I know you HATE that too. I do too. But there's really nothing we can do about it. I've been where you are frustrated, wanting so badly to get out in the garden and not being able too, long sleeves, even in the summer when you are flaring. It sucks!
Hang in there though, you will get through this. It's just a matter of time, and you can wait it out. I did go to counseling a few years ago, before I got cancer, and it did help out. After I had cancer, I dont' sweat the small stuff anymore, and really, my outlook has changed big time. Haven't had a big flare since the cancer, but small stuff going on tells me the disease is active. I've been taking another medication that has helped a little, but just went off it because I got sick (you know how it goes with these medications, they take your immune system to zero).
Anyway, will be thinking of you and praying. Hang tough, girlfriend, we will survive!
Jenny |
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Roxy7
True Blue Farmgirl
1083 Posts
Robin
Denver
CO
USA
1083 Posts |
Posted - Sep 05 2009 : 8:15:30 PM
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I have fibromyalgia and I understand how a chronic illness takes its toll. You have to be patient with yourself and give yourself permission to deal with what you must instead of the things you'd rather do.
I think a counselor would help. Do you ever take the Bach Flower Remedies? When I am feeling particularly stressed the Rescue Remedy helps get my mind back into the right place.
Hugs. |
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lisamarie508
True Blue Farmgirl
2648 Posts
Lisa
Idaho City
ID
USA
2648 Posts |
Posted - Sep 05 2009 : 9:51:19 PM
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You guys are the best! Thanks so much for understanding and not thinking that I'm losing my mind.
Alee, I have that book! That diet is what sent this into remission the last time. That was 4 years ago. That's what I meant when I said that I can't get this to back down. I have been very meticulous about what I've been eating. Could be I'm just expecting too much too fast. After all, this flare up was 6 months in the making. I guess I just don't have the patience to be sick and want my life back right now! I had no idea that Rene has it too. I will definitely get a hold of her.
Lisa, I do go out before sunrise to work in the veggie garden and again after sunset. It doesn't really give me much time and I've had to prioritize big time. My yard and gardens look horrible this year as a result although the veggies seem awfully happy living with the weeds and are growing better than I've ever had. My peas are taller than me and still producing. They are so thick and heavy, they toppled the pea fence over!
Jennifer, I actually thought I had this licked! I never thought I would have to go through all this again. I knew the stress of the divorce was having an effect. I could feel it and had little signs here and there, but I thought I had everything under control. So much for what I thought, huh? Prednisone is what works for me too. I wish they would come up with something that doesn't take forever to wean off of, that doesn't damage your other organs, that doesn't force you to buy bigger clothes so your not being strangled by the end of every day from the swelling. It's been 4 years since I was last on it. You'd think they'd have come up with something! Nothing scares me more than to think I'll be on this med forever and stuck like this.
I just found out from another friend that we have a counselor up here. I didn't know that. I thought I was going to have to go to Boise! That's actually a relief. And I know who he is.
Thanks all. Love and bear hugs to all of you.
Farmgirl Sister #35
"If you can not do great things, do small things in a great way." Napoleon Hill (1883-1970)
my blog:
http://lisamariesbasketry.blogspot.com/
My apron website:
http://lisamariesaprons.bravehost.com |
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dutchy
True Blue Farmgirl
4427 Posts
4427 Posts |
Posted - Sep 05 2009 : 11:14:36 PM
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OH girl, I know exactly what you mean by your post. Just last week i was in that boat too. I don't have Lupus so don't know how that affects you. But the feelings are very familiar. You WILL get through this, even if right now you think you won't.
Maybe talking to a shrink will help you, you will only know if you try it for a while. And being frustrated is also a normal feeling. Don't beat yourself up for that girl.
GO see a doctor and talk about what you feel, and how you feel. That might help too, maybe he can give you other meds that work better for ya. For the rest all I can say is: keep coming here, ask advice, prayers and hugs.
LOT'S of hugs from me to you sweetie and hang in there.
(Hope you can tell what I mean it is still early here and am not fully awake yet)
Hugs from Marian/Dutchy, a farmgirl from the Netherlands :)
My personal blog:
http://just-me-a-dutch-girl.blogspot.com/
Almost daily updates on me and mine :)
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MuslinBunnies
True Blue Farmgirl
113 Posts
Tina
Franklin
NH
USA
113 Posts |
Posted - Sep 06 2009 : 05:11:15 AM
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Lisa,
I can understand your frustration. I have fibromyalgia and a "lupus-like autoimmune disease" (the Dr's way of telling me that they have no idea what is really wrong with me.) Both have been flaring up horribly all summer long. Most days I can barely even get out of bed. I used to be a very active person and enjoy being outdoors, hiking, biking, gardening, and all that. Lately I've been stuck in the house and often on the couch or in bed. With no insurance, I cannot even financially afford to go to the Dr for more testing or treatments.
I totally understand the feelings of sadness and anger. It helps to talk to someone. My fiance is always helping me out and being a wonderful rock to lean on. The one thing he is always telling me is "It hurts now, but you are strong. Cry if you need to and remember I am here for you. This too will pass."
My Website: http://muslinbunnies.tripod.com/
My Etsy: http://FelineFeathers.etsy.com
My Button Quail Site: http://groups.google.com/group/button-quail-planet |
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pinkroses
True Blue Farmgirl
2350 Posts
Sheila
Virginia
USA
2350 Posts |
Posted - Sep 06 2009 : 06:55:09 AM
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Lisa
Hugs to you
I just said a prayer for you
I suffer from many diseases and conditions/
but not Lupus
Although I had been tested for it.
You are going through a lot right now.
With every thing you have been through; it is normal to feel this way at times
I have a lot of stress and suffer from deep depression.
It might help to go to your family doctor or/ find one.
Tell them exactly how you feel
Maybe , you can find something to help
There have been months and months I suffer from deep depression from the pain of all my conditions and diseases.
it is enough to wear a body down
Know that we do care for you and think of you.
Try listening to some music the type you like to; and
do some relaxing tech.
hugs and prayers to you. Sheila/ pinkroses
www.ohkayteagirl2.blogspot.com
http;//www.sheilascreativewritings.blogspot.com |
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melanie47601
True Blue Farmgirl
1949 Posts
Melanie
Boonville
IN
USA
1949 Posts |
Posted - Sep 06 2009 : 07:07:08 AM
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Lisa, I don't want to say that the other ladies haven't already. Just know that I am sending you lots of hugs and prayers that all of this gets better for you real soon.
Melanie
Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says "Oh Crap, She's up!"
Blog~ http://wheelsarealwaysturning.blogspot.com/
Swap Blog~ http://mels-swapshop.blogspot.com/ |
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lisamarie508
True Blue Farmgirl
2648 Posts
Lisa
Idaho City
ID
USA
2648 Posts |
Posted - Sep 06 2009 : 10:42:15 AM
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It really helps to know that you gals know what I'm talking about. Marian, I know you've been dealing with it for a very long time. I've never been depressed before and never thought I ever would be. Being new to me, I guess I just don't know how to handle it. I really want to smash something, but I don't want to destroy anything at the same time. I find that frustrating, too!
I got a hold of Rene and she gave me several new ideas/things to try and I will be doing all of them. I will do whatever it takes to get this to back down again. I keep picturing in my mind that I'm stuffing this big, ugly, black blob back into the closet it came out of; slamming the door and locking it. I've never tried visualization before, but I've read that it can work as part of a meditation/relaxation/healing regimen.
I sure do appreciate all the hugs and prayers and healing thoughts. I find it easier to come and talk with you all than to burden my local friends that I see every day...or embarrass myself in front of them...I can cry all I want here and nobody has to be witness to it!
Love ya'll and thank you for being here!
Farmgirl Sister #35
"If you can not do great things, do small things in a great way." Napoleon Hill (1883-1970)
my blog:
http://lisamariesbasketry.blogspot.com/
My apron website:
http://lisamariesaprons.bravehost.com |
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SuzieQ
True Blue Farmgirl
175 Posts
Suzie
Texas
USA
175 Posts |
Posted - Sep 06 2009 : 7:50:30 PM
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Lisa,
Get all your lamps or lights and do the midnight weeding. You will enjoy the Earth therapy and it's free. Sometimes winning the weeding war makes peace in our hearts. Really, if you have the big lights go for it and weed baby weed. |
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lisamarie508
True Blue Farmgirl
2648 Posts
Lisa
Idaho City
ID
USA
2648 Posts |
Posted - Sep 06 2009 : 9:51:34 PM
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I thought about that Suzie, but I have a neighbor who complained when I put Christmas lights in my fruit trees one year to keep the frost from biting the blooms! She said they shone in her window and kept her awake. So, I haven't dared put my spot lights out there to work late at night...yet.
Farmgirl Sister #35
"If you can not do great things, do small things in a great way." Napoleon Hill (1883-1970)
my blog:
http://lisamariesbasketry.blogspot.com/
My apron website:
http://lisamariesaprons.bravehost.com |
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Tapestry
True Blue Farmgirl
1223 Posts
Cheryl
Wisconsin
USA
1223 Posts |
Posted - Sep 07 2009 : 12:38:16 AM
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Lisa I'm so sorry you're struggling with a lupus flare. I have fibro and understand how horrible the flares can be. I'll be praying you get past this and shove that beast back in his closet. Sometimes over the yrs. I'll have a fibro flare so bad I end up on prednisone too but only for a few days. Yes, its nasty medicine but sometimes you have to do what you have to do to take care of yourself. Don't beat yourself up. The stress can make the flare worse. Hang in there....this too shall pass. Gentle hugs.
Happy farmgirl sister #353
Look for rainbows instead of mud puddles 
http://www.Tapestry2u.Etsy.com
http://tapestrysimaginings.blogspot.com/ |
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Farmtopia
True Blue Farmgirl
1465 Posts
Zan
New York
New York
USA
1465 Posts |
Posted - Sep 07 2009 : 01:11:46 AM
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Hey Lisa, I am so sorry about what you are going through right now. I agree with Suzie on the idea of midnight gardening--there is a whole movement out there that does the "gardening by moonlight" thing and I think there is something relaxing about gardening by candlelight and moonlight.
Plus, I had a friend who also had some issues with the sun/air/pollen and a few friends came and painted a "garden" on her bedroom walls! So she had her own flowers and trees to wake up to without leaving the house!
I know it's not quite the same as tending a garden, but the point is to have the last laugh at the things designed to "hold us down", right? 
~*~Dream all you dreamers~*~
View my work:
www.bigtownfarmer.com
And *NEW* Blogs:
Life: www.wildatheartfarm.blogspot.com
art/dolls: www.wildatheartart.blogspot.com
Plan to save America the old fashioned way!
http://wildatheartfarm.blogspot.com/2009/05/big-project.html |
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82kygal
True Blue Farmgirl
548 Posts
Laura
Somerset
Kentucky
USA
548 Posts |
Posted - Sep 07 2009 : 06:43:03 AM
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Lisa, why haven't you called me?
You know you can call anytime. I just saw this post and I feel horrible for you and I feel bad I haven't got to talk with you about this more. give me a ring I have today off or let me know what a good time is and I will call you. Talk with you soon.
Laura
With God, all things are possible. (Mark 10:27)
What ever you are, be a good one. (Abe Lincoln) |
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prairie_princess
True Blue Farmgirl
613 Posts
Elizabeth
Carpenter
WY
USA
613 Posts |
Posted - Sep 07 2009 : 09:22:41 AM
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weeding by moonlight sounds beautiful!
"Only two things that money can't buy, that's true love and homegrown tomatoes."
- Guy Clark
"The man who has planted a garden feels he has done something for the good of the world."
- Charles Dudley Warner |
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lisamarie508
True Blue Farmgirl
2648 Posts
Lisa
Idaho City
ID
USA
2648 Posts |
Posted - Sep 07 2009 : 1:53:46 PM
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Oh, that's a good one,Laura. Your mailbox is full! lol. I didn't want to bother you with my stupid issues when you already have your own plate so full!
I tried gardening by moonlight and I'm having a very difficult time seeing anything. I can see well enough to walk around outside but not well enough to tell the difference between the weeds and the plants I want to keep! Yes, the weeds are that big. The sun is setting sooner every night and I just realized that before long I'll be able to go out around 7 or so and use the spotlights for a couple hours without upsetting anybody. Something to look forward to!
Farmgirl Sister #35
"If you can not do great things, do small things in a great way." Napoleon Hill (1883-1970)
my blog:
http://lisamariesbasketry.blogspot.com/
My apron website:
http://lisamariesaprons.bravehost.com |
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Across the Fence: Can we talk? |
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Can we talk?
