| Author |
Across the Fence:  What would you do????  |
|
|
Diane B Carter
True Blue Farmgirl
1270 Posts
Diane
Blasdell
N.Y.
USA
1270 Posts |
 Posted - Aug 13 2009 : 05:33:22 AM
|
My 30 yr son wants to take me out to dinner for my birthday gift. He does not want my DH to go along as he said he can't afford to take us both out. My son is a lawyer, yes he has to pay back $75,000 in student loans, but he lives in my home for practically nothing. When my DH takes his daughters out for their birthdays he takes me and the girls boyfriend also. Plus my son wants me to drive 1/2 there(30miles). I don't want to accept that gift as I think it's rude. I also don't want to hurt my son's feelings as he is bi-polar. I always gave my son a birthday gift but his seem to come with strings attached. What would you do???
Hope all your days are Sunnydays.
dianebcarterhotmailcom.blogspot.com |
|
|
Mumof3
True Blue Farmgirl
3890 Posts
Karin
Ellenwood
GA
USA
3890 Posts |
|
|
Especially For You
True Blue Farmgirl
541 Posts
Tina
Watkinsville
GA
541 Posts |
Posted - Aug 13 2009 : 06:12:57 AM
|
Dianne,
how long have you and your husband been married? We have some what the same problem here at my house. My girls have included my husband in everything. But his youngest daughter(who is bi-polor) also who is 26 does not. I can only tell you what we would do in this situation. First I would talk to my husband about it. Then I would make the suggestion that you and your husband go to eat with your son, but your husband pays for his meal. I know it is not the best suggestion, but it might be a compromise. Blended families are very hard!!!! My prayers are with you.
Tina |
 |
|
|
Diane B Carter
True Blue Farmgirl
1270 Posts
Diane
Blasdell
N.Y.
USA
1270 Posts |
Posted - Aug 13 2009 : 06:26:31 AM
|
Thank-you, My DH and I have been married for just over 3 years. The strange part is my son loves my husband. He thinks he's the best thing in my life. My son's main problem is he hates to part with a dime. I don't know where he got that trait but he thinks nothing of spending $1000. on a bicycle for his self, but his car is 10 years old, a standard, no air conditioning, no auto anything and he goes out and buys a 1993 toyota to drive when his car is in the shop or during the winter for $300. I get to the point I just hate birthdays and Christmas.
Hope all your days are Sunnydays.
dianebcarterhotmailcom.blogspot.com |
|
|
|
Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
Posted - Aug 13 2009 : 06:36:53 AM
|
Diane- It sounds like a hard situation to be in. How does your husband feel about it? What about having that "Mother/Son" dinner and then having a special family dinner at home or even at different place another night where everyone is included? In our family we often will do a dinner with just one person as a special one-on-one time, but then we make sure to have one on one time with the other family members as well.
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.awarmheart.com
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
www.allergyjourneys.blogspot.com
Put your pin on the farmgirl map! www.farmgirlmap.blogspot.com |
|
|
|
aunt boby
True Blue Farmgirl
173 Posts
toby
polo
illinois
USA
173 Posts |
Posted - Aug 13 2009 : 06:42:35 AM
|
You should just go! It might be fun to spend some quality one on one time with your son. Who knows? Maybe you'll enjoy going out, just the two of you.
POOR IS THE MAN WHO CANNOT ENJOY THE SIMPLE THINGS IN LIFE- anonymous |
|
|
|
vintagediva1
True Blue Farmgirl
1251 Posts
Michele
Brighton
Michigan
USA
1251 Posts |
Posted - Aug 13 2009 : 06:47:31 AM
|
Maybe he just wants some one on one time with Mom and doesn't know how to ask for it so is using your birthday as an excuse.
He probably has no idea that it might hurt hubby's feelings.
I think you should go and have a wonderful evening
Michele
www.2vintagedivas.etsy.com
www.stitchingby2sisters.etsy.com
Love that good ole vintage junk |
|
|
|
FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
Posted - Aug 13 2009 : 07:22:38 AM
|
Sorry, Diane, that's tough! But I'm sure you know that selfish is part and parcel of a bi-polar disorder. I am in NO way trying to be offensive when I say this...it's not that he's tight, it's that he's obtuse--they are symptomatically self absorbed. I can say this because my ex-mil (um, one of the very reasons my first marriage didn't work out)was bipolar and we went to counselling with her because I just could not get my head around her logic and her selfish behavior, especially towards her son.
ANYHOO...Now, as for the immediate situation, like Karin said, he's your boy, go and enjoy yourself!. Your husband is aware of the situation, and probably thinks it's goofy, but it's your birthday, and he sounds like he'd support whatever you wanted. The only thing I might make your son compromise on is the drive :) He can't always get his way, you know (which, incidentally, is a whole other thing about bipolar disorder :)).
I hope you have a wonderful time!
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
|
|
|
aunt boby
True Blue Farmgirl
173 Posts
toby
polo
illinois
USA
173 Posts |
Posted - Aug 13 2009 : 08:24:43 AM
|
My MIL suffers from bipolar disorder and is the most giving person I've ever met. Daily she is constantly doing things for others never thinking of herself. She takes her meds and lives a very normal life. The only time I've seen her have problems with it, is under very stressful times. When her mother passed and when her house burned to the ground. Who wouldn't be stressed? Diane, maybe I'm giving your son the benefit of the doubt. But if he is an extreme tightwad, it says something that he wants to treat you to a nice dinner.
POOR IS THE MAN WHO CANNOT ENJOY THE SIMPLE THINGS IN LIFE- anonymous |
|
|
|
FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
Posted - Aug 13 2009 : 08:48:58 AM
|
Good for you, Toby. What a relief for you, and I'm very happy that she's wonderful!
In counselling, we were told by 4 different docs that it's very typical for people with bipolar disorder to be self absorbed, that it's usually all about them. From my personal experience (with my mil and 2 close friends) that's exactly the way it seems.
edited to add that my tone is not at all meant to be snide. It's very difficult to convey positivity in print!
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
Edited by - FebruaryViolet on Aug 13 2009 08:50:54 AM |
|
|
|
willowtreecreek
True Blue Farmgirl
4813 Posts
Julie
Russell
AR
USA
4813 Posts |
Posted - Aug 13 2009 : 2:05:49 PM
|
Go. You never know what is down the road and around the bend. There could come a time in life where you dont do something and you can eaither look back and regret that you didnt take the chance or be thankful that you did. Tommorrow isnt guaranteed to anyone. He's your son and wants to do something nice for YOU. Dont attach strings by telling him you will only go if things are this way or that way.
Farmgirl Sister #17
Blog
www.willowtreecreek.wordpress.com
|
|
|
|
1badmamawolf
True Blue Farmgirl
2199 Posts
Teresa
"Bent Fence Farms"
Ca
USA
2199 Posts |
Posted - Aug 13 2009 : 3:11:45 PM
|
Please go, my husband and I were constantly putting off going on a real vacation, then it was to late, he got cancer and died before we were ever able to go any where. God forbid something were to happen to you or your son, and you had not seen each other, that would be a tragedy. If the rest of the family and your hubby knows about him, they will understand, and if not, shame on them.
"Treat the earth well, it was not given to you by your parents, it was loaned to you by your children" |
|
|
|
LauriP
True Blue Farmgirl
239 Posts
Laurianne
Hertford
North Carolina
USA
239 Posts |
Posted - Aug 13 2009 : 3:29:55 PM
|
I've got 4 family members with bi-polar disorder, and this sounds like your son isn't being mean or ugly to your husband..he jus' wants to spend time with Mom. Period. My family members do things like this all the time, and once I came to realize that it is part of being bi-polar, then I just said fine.
You & your husband can have your seperate time for the celebration, and you should go with your son for this night. The finances don't mean a thing at this point -- he's just trying to show you his love for you. Been there, done that. Go for the dinner!
Laurianne |
|
|
|
GrammyGoose
True Blue Farmgirl
163 Posts
Sue
Liverpool
PA
USA
163 Posts |
Posted - Aug 13 2009 : 3:40:19 PM
|
Consider it a date. I'm sure he's thinking that he's doing something wonderful for you by wanting to take you, by yourself, for a special birthday dinner. It's hard to know just what is going on inside someone else's head, so other than asking him for an explanation and possibly hurting his feelings, I think you should go. My sister is bi-polar and her logic is not logical at all. She sees things in psychedelic colors instead of black and white. We can sit side by side and experience the same event and her version of it will be so wildly opposite of mine you would never believe we were in the same room when the event happened. Your son probably has no idea that excluding your husband could possibly be hurtful or considered anything but acceptable.
Take it for what it is, a very sweet gesture from your little boy.
Sue
Farmgirl #656
"This is the day that God made, let us drink juice and enjoy it!" - Reece Stutts, age 3 |
|
|
|
kristin sherrill
True Blue Farmgirl
11303 Posts
kristin
chickamauga
ga
USA
11303 Posts |
Posted - Aug 13 2009 : 3:42:16 PM
|
Diane, my brother, who is not bi polar, sent my mother a plane ticket to come see him in Colorado for her birthday. Not our step dad, just her. She went and had a great time and there were no hard feelings that I know of. I would love to go somewhere with just my mom without SD around and we get to sometimes but not much. There's just something about that one on one time with your mother. You are a special lady to have a husband that is so understanding. And a son who wants you to himself for an evening. Not many do these days.
So I hope you go and have a wonderful time with your son. Then like someone mentioned, have a family birthday dinner later.
Kris
Happiness is simple. |
|
|
|
Diane B Carter
True Blue Farmgirl
1270 Posts
Diane
Blasdell
N.Y.
USA
1270 Posts |
Posted - Aug 13 2009 : 4:34:18 PM
|
Well my DH is off cooling off. I tried to explain to him how I felt and he said don't worry, I'll come out with Gio later. I said Gio is to small to be on the back of a motorcycle. He's not even 3 yet. I said Jay has to work until 5 we can be at my home by 4pm. You can follow me out with the bike. He wanted to take it to the Pike fair and put it in the car/motorcycle show. I was going to buy a pizza or make something for him and the baby and he said no, he doesn't care if Jason choked on his money, He didn't want to be around him, that he would come out later. He see's it as I'm choosing Jason over him. Jason see's it as I am choosing them over him. I can't please both but I'll try to make DH understand, I thought by reading your replys to him he would get it but I was way wrong.
Hope all your days are Sunnydays.
dianebcarterhotmailcom.blogspot.com |
|
|
|
MeadowCrone
True Blue Farmgirl
220 Posts
Bernadine
Island Park and Salem
ID
USA
220 Posts |
Posted - Aug 13 2009 : 4:53:22 PM
|
My son was gone on my birthday, he is a Marine. I would go to lunch, enjoy some one on one and bring hubby back a treat!
Gratefully living on the "fat of the land". |
|
|
|
CountryBorn
True Blue Farmgirl
1545 Posts
Mary Jane
New York
USA
1545 Posts |
Posted - Aug 13 2009 : 6:49:27 PM
|
Truthfully Diane, I agree with you in your original post.I thimk it is rude of your son too. I am totally familiar with bi-polar. But,I think he needed to be told that he was being he was off base here. If you didn't want to go, you should just tell him that won't work out for you. It didn't seem to me it had a darn thing to do with wanting time with Mom. He wanted you to drive 30 miles to meet him, disrespected your husband in the process and caused issues because he wanted his own way. At 30 yrs. old, I think he should know better. I am sorry it caused problems with your husband and you. You were put in a bad spot. If it seems I am being insensitive sorry, but I tend to call it as I see it.
MJ
There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do. Freya Stark |
|
|
|
Tapestry
True Blue Farmgirl
1223 Posts
Cheryl
Wisconsin
USA
1223 Posts |
Posted - Aug 14 2009 : 01:17:51 AM
|
Hi Diane and I'm sorry that the men in your life are being difficult. First your son puts you in a difficult position and then your husband does too. I think you need to remind them both it's YOUR birthday and what you'd like most of all is to have a happy one. If it was me, I think I would decide how I wanted to spend the day and then let those 2 gentleman know that they can split the cost of your dinner and each pay for their own or they can split the cost of a massage and you go enjoy yourself without anyone squabbling. I hope this all works out so you can enjoy yourself. And HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!
Happy farmgirl sister #353
Look for rainbows instead of mud puddles 
http://fantasm01.imagekind.com/
http://tapestrysimaginings.blogspot.com/ |
|
|
|
Diane B Carter
True Blue Farmgirl
1270 Posts
Diane
Blasdell
N.Y.
USA
1270 Posts |
Posted - Aug 14 2009 : 04:51:19 AM
|
MJ, That is just how I feel. I think I'm going to run away for a few days, if I don't have Jury Duty.
Hope all your days are Sunnydays.
dianebcarterhotmailcom.blogspot.com |
|
|
|
CountryBorn
True Blue Farmgirl
1545 Posts
Mary Jane
New York
USA
1545 Posts |
Posted - Aug 14 2009 : 2:24:09 PM
|
Diane, if you can do it GO for it!!! Sometimes a little solitude is the nicest present we can ever give ourselves!!
MJ
There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do. Freya Stark |
|
|
|
MagnoliaWhisper
True Blue Farmgirl
2817 Posts
Heather
Haysville
Kansas
USA
2817 Posts |
Posted - Aug 14 2009 : 3:05:52 PM
|
This is so hard for me to read. I am very sorry Dianne.
I hate to be rude......but really?
I mean.....I can't imagine a grown man (your husband) who btw is not your son's father, would act like this, about such. I can't imagine my step mother or my step father acting like this, nor my husband.
I can't count the number of times, I have went alone with my father to a meal. The last time was just last week! My father and I have went on countless dinner meals with out his wife, and with out my husband. I don't know why you aren't allowed to just have a meal with your own child..with out a grown man throwing a hissy. Seems odd to me.
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
|
|
| |
Across the Fence: What would you do???? |
|
What would you do????
