| Author |
Across the Fence:  House get in the way?  |
|
Huckelberrywine
True Blue Farmgirl
1607 Posts
Michelle
Rosalia
1607 Posts |
 Posted - Jul 23 2009 : 2:34:20 PM
|
I have to thank Katmom/Grace. She told me never to apologize about my house (when having guests over) because it makes others feel awkward too.
I have this image of a magazine perfect home, and bless their hearts, some dear friends manage to dazzle me with gorgeously decorated, picture perfect homes. My house isn't that, and much as I try to let that image go, I struggle with it.
I am generally too embarassed to have people over unless I've pulled the house/yard/etc. into that mental image of the magazine cover version of my house. It gets in the way. And then, when my lovely friends come by, I feel so awkward, which is contagious. Of course, you can see where that cycle takes me. I'm really trying to give myself permission to just be. This one is perhaps the hardest lesson to internalize. I keep repeating, it's okay if my house is XYZ. But I'm not there yet.
Do any of you do this? Are you struggling with it? Has anything helped you to accept/let go of the worry and just relax without mentally giving your house the white-glove treatment and scolding yourself in the middle of a visit, or every day?
How do I de-activate this panic neat-freak unrealistic-for-me button? I'd like to live by the "clean enough to be healthy, dirty enough to be happy" mantra in my house....but I haven't found that nirvana yet.
This is a big hurdle for me, maybe admitting it here and learning how you deal with it will help.
We make a difference. |
|
|
chaddsgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
843 Posts
Sarah
Farmgirl Sisterhood #639
MO
USA
843 Posts |
Posted - Jul 23 2009 : 2:48:32 PM
|
Michelle, I completely feel your pain. And it takes a very long time to get over it. When I was younger and married to my first husband, I spent ALL my time working, cleaning the house and taking care of the yard. I was not happy unless the house was spotless. And I couldn't stand for people to just drop by unannounced because then the house might not be perfect.
Then, one year it finally smacked me in the face. I hosted a birthday party for myself and my youngest niece. We had about 20 people at the house and I was soooooo stressed out. I had spent the entire week cleaning and cooking and making sure everything was in apple pie order. And when everyone got to the house, I behaved like a shrew. I was running around like an idiot obsessing about making sure everything went perfectly when my dad stopped me and said " You realize that by trying to make everything perfect, you are making everyone really uncomfortable." I had not realized this. And I was mortified.
From that time on, I have tried very hard to be a much more GRACIOUS hostess and less obsessed with being PERFECT. It is hard and I still have trouble with people just dropping in, but I am getting better. I still hate it when my house looks like a disaster area, but I decided that I would rather spend time with my DH and exert my energy in making my guests feel welcome.
I guess what I'm trying to say is there isn't a switch where you can just turn your neat freakness on and off, but if you work at curbing your natural tendency to freak out about things not being EXACTLY the way you imagined it does get easier as time goes by.
A person is a success if they get up in the morning and get to bed at night and in between does what they want to do. Bob Dylan |
 |
|
|
1badmamawolf
True Blue Farmgirl
2199 Posts
Teresa
"Bent Fence Farms"
Ca
USA
2199 Posts |
Posted - Jul 23 2009 : 3:23:03 PM
|
I thought that when I was a new bride, that part of my chores were a spotless house, well i'm here to tell ya, forget about it!!! When you are living on a ranch/farm, its impossible, trying to make everything perfect will just put you in an early grave. I raised 4 kids in a 972 sq ft, 3 bedroom, 1 bathroom house. I tried really hard in the beginning and after my 1st was born, and I NEVER got any sleep trying. It was 3 1/2 years before my only daughter was born, then 18 months til the 2nd boy and another 18 months til the 3rd boy and last child was born. You learn to stack everything, and if you don't really need it, throw it out, even with this system, the house was ALWAYS a disaster, my hubby worked away from home part time as a diesel mechanic, so when he got home, here came the grease. There are absolutly NOT enough hours in the day to care for kids, animals, gardens, etc, and keep your house neat, let alone clean. I took an old piece of barn wood one day and lettered these words on it, and hung it in my kitchen, " My house is clean enough to be healthy, and dirty enough to be happy", that was at least 30 yeras ago, and its still hanging. What helped me get over it, my neighbor at the time was a widow, 89 years young, and one hell of a women. She came over one day as I was trying like crazy yo clean, and she asked me if anyone had ever gotten sick from my cooking, I said " I hope not", did anyone ever get lost in the maise of stuff in my house, "i said, not that i know of", are your children bathed and wearing clean clothes, "I said of course", is your husband fed and satisfied, "I blushed and said yes", Have you ever heard anyone complain, "no", then get over yourself and remember these words " Housework is a winter sport". I laughed and thought, shes right, and even though my kids are grown and gone mostly, I don't have the stacks and maizes anymore, I still leave the worst til winter, when I have time, and I don't have any problem dropping it all to chat with a friend or play with my grandsons. The thing is, if you don't like it, DON"T COME OVER, cause I bet I could find dust bunnies in your house also.
"Treat the earth well, it was not given to you by your parents, it was loaned to you by your children" |
|
|
|
catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
Posted - Jul 23 2009 : 3:30:24 PM
|
I grew up with the mentality that it was a woman's job to get the house immaculant and that a dirty house meant the woman of the house was lazy, stupid, selfish...you get the idea...so when I first moved out on my own, I kept an spotless, eat off the ceiling fan blades and floor house. I killed myself between 3 jobs and a social life. Then I got married and it got 100x worse. The only time my parents came to see us in CA, Charlie was 6 weeks old. Scott and I spent a whole week literally tearing the house apart to clean, down to washing the dog 3x and organizing the storage unit. After they left and told the rest of the family I kept a dirty home, I was done.
Now, I do like a clean home, I feel there is no need to be dirty or disorganized but I don't have to be a perfectionist about it. Downsizing big time has helped a lot. So timely this subject should come up, because this woman was just on a repeat of OPRAH today. http://www.oprah.com/article/oprahshow/200901_omag_simple_living
She is an inspiration to me and since the first show aired 6 months ago, this is what I have been striving for.
I have found with less, I not only more LIFE but a cleaner house. I can literally do a full cleaning job on the house in less than 2.5 hours. Normally, I just maintain. Usually, I close the bedroom doors, except Charlie's if the kiddos come to play, No one needs to see my bedroom or bath nor do I need to keep a perfectly fluffed bed for someone else I don't even sleep with. ; ) : O
I still deal with my mother's wrath because she thinks I shouldn't be working or going to school and not attending Charlie but attending the house. I learned to live simple from my Nanna, who had a really clean beautiful home without much stuff in it but it always look chic. We would come to visit and she was more intested in making us mini bagels and cream cheese and letting us play in the garden than how clean her house was. When she was 50, she decluttered all of the knick knacks she owned and kept just a few beautiful things she loved. My Papa repainted the house for her and had a crew come in to update some things and that is the house they passed away in, with just what they needed. To compare, when they passed on, it took 5 people 1 day to clean out the house, completely, my other grandparents house took 4 WEEKS. I guess my point is, keep it clean but don't obsess and if it is overwhelming you, I suggest stepping back and seeing what is overwhelming you. I took me some time to offload collections and what not but I feel so free now and I don't miss it. It I get an itching, I hit the mall and touch everything I can and come home empty handed, grateful I don't have to clean it.
Relax, enjoy and be yourself. If someone doesn't like you for your house, they are not your friend.
Heather
|
|
|
|
Amy Warwick
True Blue Farmgirl
102 Posts
Amy
Oakesdale
WA
USA
102 Posts |
Posted - Jul 23 2009 : 3:32:17 PM
|
My girlfriends and I meet ever month at each other houses and the motto is: If you are coming over to see my house, give a call first. If you are coming to see me, stop by anytime.
For information on SUMMER SNOW please visit www.amywarwick.com
It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it ~Aristotle
|
|
|
|
Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
|
|
Cabinprincess
True Blue Farmgirl
682 Posts
Melody June
Athens
TX
USA
682 Posts |
Posted - Jul 23 2009 : 4:17:13 PM
|
I have a lot of gifts but house cleaning is just not one of them. If you come to my home I hope you enjoy my cooking, feel right at home, love my company and leave hoping only to hurry back. I truly hope my company is much more important than the state of my home. And when I come to visit you, please don't ask me to count the dust mozzies under your bed I'd rather spend time with you!!
Smiles, Melody June
God's gift to you are your talents, your gift to Him is how you use them. |
|
|
|
gspringman
True Blue Farmgirl
387 Posts
Gail
Bonanza
Oregon
USA
387 Posts |
Posted - Jul 23 2009 : 5:09:01 PM
|
Amen ladies! I too was one of those who had to have everything spotless and had the model home look to a tee. Since being injured in 2000 I could no longer clean the way I use to. Needless to say, it took years for me to quit feeling guilty or embarrassed to have anyone over. Now that I live in a small older home (950sq ft), it's easier to pick up but the dust bunnies live here too. I would rather spend my days in the yard or visiting with my friends then worrying about a dirty floor. Michelle, you are such a sweetie, just enjoy being. Life is way to short to worry over every little thing out of place. Stop and smell the roses and have some of your huckleberry wine for me.
Gail
Farmgirl #486
Planting Zone 5
http://grammasladybug.blogspot.com/
|
|
|
|
CherryMeDarlin
True Blue Farmgirl
602 Posts
Cherry
Odenville
AL
USA
602 Posts |
Posted - Jul 23 2009 : 5:46:10 PM
|
Michelle, it is what it is and that's all it is.
I love this motto!!!!
~~Cherry~~
http://cherrymedarlin.blogspot.com
"A thing is as simple or as complicated as you make it." --TT Murphy |
|
|
|
Celticheart
True Blue Farmgirl
811 Posts
Marcia
WA
USA
811 Posts |
Posted - Jul 23 2009 : 6:17:56 PM
|
I know just what you're talking about. I used to be a much better housekeeper than I am now. Sad but true. There are so many more fun things to do with my time than clean. I concentrate on the main living areas and close the bedroom doors. My friends and I have a simple rule. If it's your first visit to my home, I try to have it as clean and spruced up as possible. After that you take your chances. You've seen it clean once so you know I'm capable.
It's not about being perfect, but enjoying what you do. Set aside time to be creative.
Robyn Pandolph
|
|
|
|
kristin sherrill
True Blue Farmgirl
11303 Posts
kristin
chickamauga
ga
USA
11303 Posts |
Posted - Jul 23 2009 : 6:39:43 PM
|
Thank you so much for bringing this up, Michelle. I was kind of stressing out a little here myself about this very thing. And I love Amy's motto so much. I love to just drop in on people and I have noticed they don't seem to mind at all. No one has ever made me wait outside while they cleaned so I could come in.
But me now, that's a different story. I am always seeing the things I never saw before. Like looking at my home for the first time with their eyes. I see all the icky stuff. If I know someone's coming, boy do I clean. Otherwise, it's just a swipe here and there and little things.
Kris
Happiness is simple. |
|
|
|
Tapestry
True Blue Farmgirl
1223 Posts
Cheryl
Wisconsin
USA
1223 Posts |
Posted - Jul 24 2009 : 02:02:32 AM
|
Oh Michelle you remind me so much of my younger self. When my boys were small and I worked full time I couldn't seem to keep up. I'd get the house cleaned up and an hour later or less it would be a disaster zone again. I remember one weekend I had worked all of my day off doing laundry and the usual chores and the house was spotless when I left early that Saturday morning to go to work. When I got home that afternoon I opened the door and walked in to popcorn all over my living room and dining room carpet. Toys were everywhere. Socks and shoes scattered hither and yon. I looked at my husband with eyes that I'm sure said, "I'm ready to kill someone and you might as well be first!" LOL... then to make matters worse he tells me my father in law came over for a visit. My father in law was the type who had no good things to say about women unless they were bare foot, pregnant and in the kitchen fulfilling their wifely duties. I remember asking numbly if the house looked like it was when he was there to which my husband sheepishly replied, "ummm, yeah". I was mortified. But the thing is my FIL never said a word to me about the house being a mess. The roof didn't cave in. No one took my children away from me and no one died over my messy house. These days my kids are grown and housekeeping still isn't my forte. Thankfully I'm now married to an ex military guy who knows his way around a vacuum, washer and can spit shine our tiny house in 2 hrs. or less. Let me go outside and garden or do my crafts and I'm a happy woman. Just in case you wondered....no, I didn't kill the first husband...LOL.
Happy farmgirl sister #353
Look for rainbows instead of mud puddles 
http://fantasm01.imagekind.com/
http://tapestrysimaginings.blogspot.com/ |
|
|
|
kpaints
True Blue Farmgirl
1564 Posts
karen
cheney
wa
1564 Posts |
Posted - Jul 24 2009 : 06:41:00 AM
|
Oh, Tapestry, you are so funny!!!! I agree with what all you gals have said. I too spend many a day cleaning before and after work. Less time spent with the family one on one. Darn! I can't go back and change that and boy, I sure wish I could. In the beginning I kept my house very simple, not many items out but as the years have gone by I have collected a lot. I have simplified many times but I still have a lot to dust. And lately, it is harder and harder to keep it tidy. And I do worry that my house looks nice when anyone would show up, but I am not as much of a fanatic as I used to be.
Michele, please do not worry about our little visit to your home, it was just so wonderful to see you, your wonderful handsome husband and pretty daughter! Thanks for the mint and the lovely friendship you offered all of us. We don't care about the condition of your home, we just love being able to visit. And thanks for the music on that old victrola!
Find your joy and live it. http://cheneybaglady.blogspot.com/http://www.kpaints.etsy.com http://www.thevintagebaglady.etsy.com FG #377 |
|
|
|
chaddsgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
843 Posts
Sarah
Farmgirl Sisterhood #639
MO
USA
843 Posts |
Posted - Jul 24 2009 : 07:01:41 AM
|
Marcia, I absolutely love that philosophy!!
A person is a success if they get up in the morning and get to bed at night and in between does what they want to do. Bob Dylan |
|
|
|
harmonyfarm
True Blue Farmgirl
785 Posts
Debbie
Southeastern
Ohio
USA
785 Posts |
Posted - Jul 24 2009 : 08:44:38 AM
|
I think it is a "nesting thing" within all of us women. It has always been the woman's responsibility to keep the cave clean and the family in order. Over the years I've learned to name the spiders and swipe the dust with my apron as I walk past a dusty table. If anyone comes into my home and feels like kicking off their shoes...then I've done my job.
Debbie
"If you can't find the time to do it right...how will you find the time to do it over" |
|
|
|
katmom
True Blue Farmgirl
17161 Posts
Grace
WACAL Gal
WashCalif.
USA
17161 Posts |
Posted - Jul 24 2009 : 09:18:53 AM
|
Oh Michelle,
Always remember, Your Home is just that...Your Home....not to apologize for but to be proud of the fact that it is a happy & busy home....
I use to try to live up to my mothers festidiousness...to the point that I would drive myself crazy about the dust ontop of the door frame! How dumb is that!?! It wasn't until some years back I came across a cross stitched verse that said sometihing like "house keeping can be done anytime but babies don't keep for ever".
It dawned on me that I was creating my own stress & unhappiness by trying to be the "Can-do" woman,,,I can do the house, I can do the mommy thing, I can do the wife thing, I can do the working woman thing...but ya know what? something(s) gotta give,,,and I am now much more happy. And when my retired Home-Ec. Teacher/neighbor pops by, & I am still in my jammies w/a cup of coffee in my hand and 1:00 in the afternoon,,,so be it...if I haven't vacuumed or taken the dishes out of the sink, so be it. I don't aplogize...life is good & to short to fret that there newspapers lying around or the potty hasn't been cleaned...although, in true confession,,,I do still apologize about one thing when I have guests over,,,,yep, the kitty liter box,,,but "Love me-Love my cats!".
As for you my dear sweet friend, enjoy you friends, embrace them & don't aplogize, after all, we are there to spend time with you, we aren't interested in whether your home looks magazine perfect, ours certainly aren't.
I think a lot of these magazines put untold pressure on us ladies to have the perfect home, hair, complexion, weight, careers, marriage etc...so don't try to live up to their imposed & unatainable/unrealistic standards.
I know I would much rather drop by & visit w/a friend, and becomfortable in their home and made to feel like part of their family than be in a stuffy magazine perfect home where you never know if it is ok to even sit on the sofa let alone can I sit comfortablly.
So toss out those white gloves,get rid of those magazine and go play...besides you have Sydney, D.H., Murphy & those adorable kittens that need you more then a few dust bunnies.
p.s... did we scare off poor Steve w/all of our hormones! lol!
>^..^< Happiness is being a katmom.
"I've never met a sewing machine I didn't like!"
www.katmom4.blogspot.com & http://www.graciesvictorianrose.blogspot.com
|
|
|
|
Huckelberrywine
True Blue Farmgirl
1607 Posts
Michelle
Rosalia
1607 Posts |
Posted - Jul 24 2009 : 09:28:47 AM
|
LOLOL
You are all the best. I think I'll start naming my spiders! Lol! I could laugh 'til I cry!
I don't judge my friends when I go to their homes, and I shouldn't do it to myself in my home either. I do need to focus on being a gracious hostess instead of worn out and worried. No one will remember how anything looked as much as they will remember the time we spent playing and laughing. I need to shift my thinking to favor that picture. I'll work at it.
I like the idea of simplifying. I will keep working on that one. I know it will help. My farm trailer is simple and just being there chills me right out. I need to bring that idea home.
Thank you all so much. :) I'm going to play today.
We make a difference. |
|
|
|
Huckelberrywine
True Blue Farmgirl
1607 Posts
Michelle
Rosalia
1607 Posts |
Posted - Jul 24 2009 : 09:48:11 AM
|
Oh, Grace! We were posting at the same time. My dear Steve said, "You have some great friends." He's so right! He knows how much happier I've been with my farmgirlfriends to giggle with. He said to me it will take a few more visits to remember all the names. :) I promise to focus on relaxing and enjoying. I'm so lucky to have this family and these friends!
Karen, I'm glad you liked the music! It is so fun to share these fun old things and smile. As I let myself relax with some lilac wine last night, I replayed in my mind all the kind things you all said when you were here. The soulful wood floor in the kitchen with all her stories to tell. :) I'll focus more on living the stories. Living does leave its mark, doesn't it?
We make a difference. |
|
|
|
harmonyfarm
True Blue Farmgirl
785 Posts
Debbie
Southeastern
Ohio
USA
785 Posts |
Posted - Jul 24 2009 : 10:32:02 AM
|
Michelle...I have one above my cookstove named "Charlotte". LOL! I knocked her web down every day and every night, while I slept, she'd build it back..so I just decided to let her be.
Debbie
"If you can't find the time to do it right...how will you find the time to do it over" |
|
|
|
Huckelberrywine
True Blue Farmgirl
1607 Posts
Michelle
Rosalia
1607 Posts |
Posted - Jul 25 2009 : 09:24:57 AM
|
I took yesterday off and played all day. The whole family went out to see the new Harry Potter movie. I started giggling over a bit involving a spider, thinking about making peace with my "spiders" and "bunnies". Today instead of feeling overwhelmed, I'm feeling much better and thinking instead of all the opportunities I'd been putting off doing. Think I'll start a list of those, instead of chores accomplished in a day.
We make a difference. |
|
|
|
katmom
True Blue Farmgirl
17161 Posts
Grace
WACAL Gal
WashCalif.
USA
17161 Posts |
|
|
Huckelberrywine
True Blue Farmgirl
1607 Posts
Michelle
Rosalia
1607 Posts |
Posted - Jul 26 2009 : 09:57:03 AM
|
Grace! I paired lilac wine with fresh cherries I picked at Mom's! Delightful homegrown/brewed snacks. I thought about nibbling some chocolate too, but by the time I sat down, I didn't want to get back up again and just enjoyed sitting there.
We make a difference. |
|
|
|
mikesgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
3659 Posts
Sherri
Elma
WA
USA
3659 Posts |
Posted - Jul 26 2009 : 10:25:16 AM
|
I only stress about one visitor - and believe it or not, it's my daughters boyfriend. His house is absolutely immaculate - not only his house, but his yard, his shop, his garden, his chicken house, everything. I don't know how he does it. She just moved in there last month and I don't know how SHE does it - it would stress me out completely! But she just laughs at him and says "It'll be ok." and pats his hand. I call him "Mr. Clean". He's super nice and wonderful to my daughter, but oh, the man is CLEAN!
Farmgirl Sister #98
Visit my online store at:
http://www.shopthefrontier.com/VFstore/index.php?manufacturers_id=79&osCsid=6be4b25bf9555031c6e2e86bbde23dba |
|
|
|
Huckelberrywine
True Blue Farmgirl
1607 Posts
Michelle
Rosalia
1607 Posts |
Posted - Jul 26 2009 : 10:33:22 AM
|
Okay, join me in trying to not stress out about even that one visitor. And have your daughter pinch herself. :)
We make a difference. |
|
|
|
Peacebird
True Blue Farmgirl
89 Posts
Marianne
Afton
Va
USA
89 Posts |
Posted - Jul 26 2009 : 10:54:06 AM
|
wow - Talk about pure serendipity! I could not have stumbled upon a timelier topic! I just sat down to relax in the midst of an hysterical cleaning session brought on by the fact that some friends from out of town *might* stop by next weekend... I stress over every dust bunny and the weeds in the garden, trying to get the the upper orchard mowed and the veggie garden weeded, and clean the chicken coop, and get everything put away.... Then there's the ironing ( a huge pile that completely fills the rocker), and fixing lunches and dinners.... There just aren't enough hours in the day. Especially since I get up to go to work at 6 and have been putting in so much overtime (required). arghh.
Anyhow - as I read these posts I felt my heartrate slow, and my panic subside. I will do what I can do, and just not worry about the rest. thank you Ladies!
chickens clucking, bees buzzing, flowers blooming, all is good! |
|
|
|
1badmamawolf
True Blue Farmgirl
2199 Posts
Teresa
"Bent Fence Farms"
Ca
USA
2199 Posts |
Posted - Jul 26 2009 : 11:33:33 AM
|
sherri, that sounds like OCD to me, or germ a phobic?
"Treat the earth well, it was not given to you by your parents, it was loaned to you by your children" |
|
|
|
Across the Fence: House get in the way? |
|
|
|
House get in the way?
