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Across the Fence:  when the last baby bird leaves the nest...  |
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harmonyfarm
True Blue Farmgirl
785 Posts
Debbie
Southeastern
Ohio
USA
785 Posts |
 Posted - Jul 01 2009 : 10:01:57 AM
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This is so personal for me to ask, but I trust what farmgirls have to say.....
My youngest son will be starting his senior year in a few months. He's the last "baby bird" to leave the nest. (of 3 kids) In past years, my DH and I have had enough heavy duty disagreements to make me wonder what my life away from him would be like. A few times to the point of looking for another place to live. But, I always hung around for the kids and eventually things got better. So after the last "baby bird" leaves, what will keep me here the next time?
This dilema ever happen to you?
Debbie
"If you can't find the time to do it right...how will you find the time to do it over" |
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1badmamawolf
True Blue Farmgirl
2199 Posts
Teresa
"Bent Fence Farms"
Ca
USA
2199 Posts |
Posted - Jul 01 2009 : 10:04:01 AM
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If you are asking this question, I think you already know the answer. Listen to your heart and your head.
"Treat the earth well, it was not given to you by your parents, it was loaned to you by your children" |
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harmonyfarm
True Blue Farmgirl
785 Posts
Debbie
Southeastern
Ohio
USA
785 Posts |
Posted - Jul 01 2009 : 10:14:46 AM
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That's scary because sometimes I don't think either one of them knows what they are doing!!! (my head and my heart)...lol
Debbie
"If you can't find the time to do it right...how will you find the time to do it over" |
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Diane B Carter
True Blue Farmgirl
1270 Posts
Diane
Blasdell
N.Y.
USA
1270 Posts |
Posted - Jul 01 2009 : 10:17:14 AM
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If your staying just for the kids, well they will always be your kids. If you leave now or in 10 years it will still hurt them. I divorced my kids dad when they were little and didn't realize anything had changed. But their dad was extremly physically abusive. But, it's your life and if your not happy then you need to change it. Have you read the book The Love Dare? Good Luck in which ever direction your life goes. Be careful and keep your self safe. The grass is not always greener on the other side, But sometimes it is.
Hope all your days are Sunnydays.
dianebcarterhotmailcom.blogspot.com |
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Laila
True Blue Farmgirl
273 Posts
Laila
Kutztown
PA
USA
273 Posts |
Posted - Jul 01 2009 : 10:22:07 AM
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I can share this with you. I had 2 classmates that got married right out of high school. They had 1 son. Whenever I would see them they always looked sad. As soon as that son graduated, they got divorced. I lost touch with the ex-wife, but I see the ex-husband and the difference in him is remarkable. He looks so happy. He is also remarried. Just listen to your heart.
Laila |
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
Posted - Jul 01 2009 : 10:31:48 AM
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You know, I'm going to say this...my parents had a good marriage and never divorced. My best friend's parents had a terrible marriage and never divorced, and the kids really suffered for it. He had a girlfriend on the side, she eventually took a lover after waiting and waiting on him to come around, and then they played happy until the kids went to college and "snap" it was over. The kids were very surprised by all of it, and ended up resenting their mother because she'd fallen in love again (dad was just with a slew of floozies)...
I really feel (and it may just be where I'm at today, Debbie) that life is really short, and happiness is fleeting. I don't "hear" in your post that you are jumping from one lilypad to another, I hear you saying that you're unhappy and see yourself doing something that makes you happy...by yourself. Women have that wonderful nuturing thing that says, "take care of everyone before yourself" and we, most of us, do it without question. You have every right to seek your happiness, whether that is in mending your marriage, or taking a new path. And if done the right way, your children will admire your courage, whichever way you decide.
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
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therusticcottage
True Blue Farmgirl
4439 Posts
Kay
Vancouver
WA
USA
4439 Posts |
Posted - Jul 02 2009 : 11:09:17 AM
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A friend once said to me "if you stay for the kids that is the wrong reason. The unhappiness and stress in an unhappy marriage do far more damage." I have stayed with my husband for 19 years because of my daughter. When I am done with school in August and have a job then I am going to make a life for myself and my daughter. She is 15 and only has a few more years in the nest. I want happiness in the later years of my life and plan on doing it on my own. I agree - follow your heart and your head on this one. Jonni said it very well - you have a right to seek your happiness.
Handmade Soap & Lotion Bars http://www.therusticcottagebath.com
The Rustic Cottage Blog http://therusticcottage.blogspot.com
Follow me on Twitter! www.twitter.com/rusticcottage
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Tidy Aprons
True Blue Farmgirl
99 Posts
Oney Farmgirl #638
Colorado
USA
99 Posts |
Posted - Jul 02 2009 : 1:26:25 PM
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Perhaps you can try to rekindle the fire that led you two to marry in the first place. What is missing from your marriage that was there then? No need to answer as it's none of my business...I'm just asking you to think back and see if you can't define what's missing. Does your husband have any inclination as to what you're thinking? Is he thinking the same thing?
Children have a way of making a marriage take the back seat and then life in general gets in the way and pretty soon you wonder what happened to the marriage. Marriage is hard work. A lot of hard work. But you know that I say hang in there for your youngest son's senior year. He will need you both on the same team as he transitions into a new stage of his life. If, after next spring & summer, there is no ember flickering and you've both done all you can do to revive the marriage then start making plans for something else but don't punctuate your kid's senior year with divorce.
(Unless you are being physically or verbally beaten...then that's a whole 'nother talk show Sister!)
Be blessed {Debbie}
~Oney~
"There's something a little holy in taking care of the places we inhabit, in summoning sheen. And there's a power in watching over our spaces, the rooms we move within, the sets where our life stories unfold." ~Lori Hall Steele |
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babysmama
True Blue Farmgirl
931 Posts
Elizabeth
Iowa
931 Posts |
Posted - Jul 02 2009 : 4:22:06 PM
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I may be the odd one out here but I think a marriage is worth working on as long as there is no abuse or cheating. Divorce does affect a child even once they are out of the nest and I hate to sound judgemental but I must say that sometimes a divorce really is the easy way out. Is there any chance that this marriage can be saved with a lot of work? Any chance that you could try a new honeymoon stage once the kids are out and reconnect and try to get to know one another again? Through the years of parenting people do change and all too often lose that connetion with one another. You are a different woman than your husband married and he is a different man than you married...maybe you could try dating each other once again?
I don't know your situation and you know what is in your heart. But our spouses can not make us happy, we need to make ourselves happy and that doesn't always mean a divorce. I can tell you that a marriage is worth working for, you fell in love with your husband at one point, can it happen again?!
-Elizabeth
P.S. I really recommend the movie "Fireproof". |
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Bear5
True Blue Farmgirl
13055 Posts
Louisiana/Texas
USA
13055 Posts |
Posted - Jul 02 2009 : 5:01:05 PM
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Such good advise from the MJF. I say, this life of yours is NOT a dress rehearsel, it's the real thing. Live, be happy, find a calm place and listen closely to your heart. Teresa hit the nail on the head, in my opinion.
I'll say a prayer for you.
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
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lisamarie508
True Blue Farmgirl
2648 Posts
Lisa
Idaho City
ID
USA
2648 Posts |
Posted - Jul 02 2009 : 5:59:09 PM
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I just went through this myself. I stayed in the marriage in part because I'm a strong believer in keeping the vows, in part because I thought it was what was best for the kids and in part because I knew the SOB would hunt me down and I would NEVER be rid of him while the kids were under age. So, I waited til the youngest left for college, warned him of what was coming (several times) and when I'd finally had enough, I left him. He still hunted me down...but that's another story that's already been told here.
Today, I question whether the sanctity of marriage even counts when the marriage is abusive, and am not so sure anymore that I did the kids any favors by sticking it out. I learned a lot of things after the divorce from my kids that I did not know before that just breaks my heart. I now feel like I was a terrible mother to them. If only...
I don't know how bad your relationship is, but if it's abusive, get out now and be careful. If it's just a matter of having grown apart, maybe your marriage can be saved; but it will take both of you wanting to save it for it to work. If not, hopefully, you can divorce amicably and preserve your relationship with your son. You deserve happiness in either direction you choose and you should seek it in what ever way works best to achieve it.
Farmgirl Sister #35
"If you can not do great things, do small things in a great way." Napoleon Hill (1883-1970)
my blog:
http://lisamariesbasketry.blogspot.com/
My apron website:
http://lisamariesaprons.bravehost.com |
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harmonyfarm
True Blue Farmgirl
785 Posts
Debbie
Southeastern
Ohio
USA
785 Posts |
Posted - Jul 03 2009 : 09:50:30 AM
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When I posted this topic, I never thought that I'd get responses that would leave a tear in my eye and a lump in my throat. Thanks so much for giving we these wonderful words of wisdom. I will think about them alot.
I've been with DH for 28 years. He's never been abusive, I'd trust him in a room full of naked women and I'm not sure I have the energy to try to train another one....we'll see what happens a year from now, I suppose....
Thanks girls!!!
Debbie
"If you can't find the time to do it right...how will you find the time to do it over" |
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Tidy Aprons
True Blue Farmgirl
99 Posts
Oney Farmgirl #638
Colorado
USA
99 Posts |
Posted - Jul 03 2009 : 11:02:58 AM
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Debbie, I'm sure we've all had "heavy disagreements" that make us wonder why we married at all. I'm a part of a group of women who have committed to making our marriages hot again. ;) We call it The Husband Project. I don't know if you've seen the movie Fireproof but it's kinda based on what the lead male character did for his wife in that movie. He did one thing each and every day to bless her.
We women in The Husband Project are doing one thing each and every day to bless our husbands. Sometimes it's something very, very simple...like a sexy or adoring text message. "I can't wait until you get home." "I'm not wearing any panties." "I just wanted you to know I appreciate all you do for me and our kids." That kind of thing. Some days it's something a little more involved...like asking him if there is something I can do today that would help him out. (I asked that and ended up having to go to town for motorcycle parts. *boring* but it saved him some time and he was appreciative.) Or one day I sent him a picture text message of an apple pie I had just baked especially for him.
Twenty eight years is a long time to invest in a relationship. While I don't know you at all or your husband or your situation, it sounds like you've just kind of been marking time for a while. There is no passion. There is no flame...
Are you Christian? I only ask because there is a wonderful resource for married Christians at www.themarriagebed.com and you can get some wonderful advice there.
I agree with Lisa though about the sanctity of marriage when abuse is involved...but that doesn't sound like something you are dealing with so please work on your marriage. Make the first move. Whisper something sweet in your man's ear the next time you see him. Allow yourself to fall in love with him again.
Praying for you farmgirl!
~Oney~
"There's something a little holy in taking care of the places we inhabit, in summoning sheen. And there's a power in watching over our spaces, the rooms we move within, the sets where our life stories unfold." ~Lori Hall Steele |
Edited by - Tidy Aprons on Jul 03 2009 3:37:46 PM |
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1930sgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
233 Posts
Joyce
Alberta
Canada
233 Posts |
Posted - Jul 03 2009 : 12:24:20 PM
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Very good advise, Oney
I was thinking of the movie "Fireproof" too. Dh and I attended a course at our church a number of years ago, based on the book "Secrets To Lasting Love: Uncovering The Keys To Lifelong Intimacy" by Gary Smalley. We really got a lot out of this course and a new way to look at each others needs. I think about the concepts of this book all the time.
Another very helpful book is called "Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. The author focuses on the different ways that each of us feels loved and how we can help our partners to feel the love we have for them.
Blessings, Joyce
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Edited by - 1930sgirl on Jul 03 2009 12:45:29 PM |
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laurzgot
True Blue Farmgirl
1682 Posts
Laurie
Alvin
Texas
USA
1682 Posts |
Posted - Jul 03 2009 : 1:41:59 PM
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Debbie, There is some very good advice that your farm gals mentioned above. I've been married for 28 years also. Yes there have been many a discussion that has some anger to them im the past. But if you talk it out clamly asking what can I do to help the problem you all could work it out hopefully. It won't happen fast. Marriage is alot of work. All of my children (3) of them are out of the nest to. To keep my sanity and trying to to something different for myself..... I went back to college with a grant and got a different degree and I do certain hobbies that I like that I didn't have time before. Debbie just listen to your heart. I'll pray for you.
Laurie
suburban countrygirl at heart |
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Across the Fence: when the last baby bird leaves the nest... |
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when the last baby bird leaves the nest...
