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Across the Fence:  EVERYONE'S got an opinion!  |
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
 Posted - Jul 01 2009 : 08:13:31 AM
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No doubt you've read how difficult the last month and a 1/2 or so has been around our house. And I've done my best. Truly I have. Car disasters, plumbing disasters, kitty deaths and near kitty deaths, flea infestations, water in the basement. I've managed to keep it somewhat together, and, on very little sleep and very little will, clean the house the best I can without much water, keep my darling little girl clean, fed and happy, and try not to kill my spouse, or be killed by him. And you know what? It's not good enough for my mother, or my mother-in-law.
Knowing ALL that my mother knows about what we've been through, on Saturday evening, after I spent (literally) 48 hours doing all the laundry in the world, picking up our house spotless to try to kill fleas with a silly spray, and then go get some food to cook for my dh's family on Sunday, because even though my cat died, and water ended up in the basement, noone thought rescheduling might be nice! My mother says while carrying in the baby, "You need to clean your porch up--you could have a pretty little house if you'd only take the time to care for it..." And I almost lost it. From the time Violet came home from the hospital, I've only ever heard from my mom how much I need to clean...and it's tough to do with a colicky newborn who requires your attention, but I did it. And oh, that pesky c-section, too! My friend, Julie, came over for a couple of hours in the afternoon to either hold the baby while I cleaned, or she cleaned, and when I would tell my mom, I'd get this guilt trip--"Oh, I look like a fine mother, letting her come in and clean...I'll come over this weekend and we'll tackle everything!" and it never, ever happened. BUT, she's got an opinion.
Then, this morning, my husband (rather nastily) tells me that my MIL thinks I'm approaching feeding "first foods" with my daughter the "lazy" way by giving her 1 tblsp. of formula in her bottle at night before bed. We should be giving it to her with a spoon. But then, he decided I was being a bad mother anyway, by giving her cereal at all. Too early, based on the pediatrician's opionion.
I feel beat up. And I feel underappreciated and I feel like everyone can do it better than me. You know? I would just for once like for someone to say, "you're doing such a good job!", even if they think I'm the worlds worst housekeeper, wife, mother, etc... A little white lie never hurt!
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
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Miss Bee Haven
True Blue Farmgirl
4331 Posts
Janice
Louisville/Irvington
Kentucky
USA
4331 Posts |
Posted - Jul 01 2009 : 08:24:02 AM
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Well, it isn't any kind of a lie. You ARE a great mother. I've said it to David. I've said it to Susan. I've said it to Wilma. You are head and shoulders above the way I was. I had no help/advice. But you have so much more ability than I ever did. And the housekeeper thing is overrated. I'm tired of women having to shoulder that burden. We feel guilty if the house is a mess. What about the other person who lives there? Why is the dh not responsible equally for the neatness or lack of it? And who wants to eat off of floors anyhow?
PS-You can always come live at Bee Haven. I'm not much of a housekeeper, but I enjoy myself.
Farmgirl Sister #50
"If you think you've got it nailed down, then what's all that around it?"
'Br.Dave Gardner' |
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vermont v
True Blue Farmgirl
194 Posts
Victoria
Chester
Vermont
USA
194 Posts |
Posted - Jul 01 2009 : 08:29:53 AM
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My dear. A C section is surgery. How about that six weeks you have to recover without lifting a finger with any other surgery!!! Why did'nt your family rally around and give you that? The should have cleaned your house or hired someone to do it for you! Take care of yourself and your baby. What you are experiencing is toxic and indirect communication from all sides. You need support and love not criticism. Do what your feel is right as far as feeding your baby with the input of your Pediatrician. As long as you care what they think of you these kind of comments will hurt. Sorry to hear about your kitties.You are probably a fantastic mother and that's what counts. |
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miss wilma
True Blue Farmgirl
3410 Posts
Wilma
Knob Lick
Ky
USA
3410 Posts |
Posted - Jul 01 2009 : 08:49:11 AM
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And you can always extend your stay here little one. I know for a fact you are a great mother,and the best little worker, sweetie my life style does not in clude a spotless house. Thats one of the reasons I decided to retire no one knows what a mess pillow making is.I see now a trip down here is just what you need.I have been kinda down this year to it seems like work has tripled and there is no help. We all get this way so cheer up and we are going to have fun watching the babies Friday. I had so much more I needed to get done before this sale but I can not do it so what they see is how it is. I have several brooms I will just tack a welcome sign on them
Farm Girl #96
http://www.picturetrail.com/misswilmasplace
http://misswilma.blogspot.com/ |
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Corinnelouise
True Blue Farmgirl
957 Posts
Corinne
France
957 Posts |
Posted - Jul 01 2009 : 08:57:48 AM
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Jonni, it is so easy to see what is not perfect and so difficult to pay a compliment and concentrate on positive matters. Not listening to others will only free your mind, following your own heart and doing what you can and what makes you happy is the route to take. You have been through so much emotionaly lately, I wish somebody could show up at your doorway with a big bunch of flowers. I am sure you are an amazing mother, your baby looks so happy and full of life.
Big hugs,
Corinne
Sister # 101
'Heaven on Earth' is a choice you must make, not a place you must find.
Dr. Wayne Dyer |
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Old Spirit
True Blue Farmgirl
1498 Posts
Rae
MN
1498 Posts |
Posted - Jul 01 2009 : 09:02:35 AM
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What is it with sparkle clean houses? I think they are over rated myself  I don't know you but am sure you are a fine Mom and with all that has gone on pretty darn lucky you are sane. Why is it people can only share bad and never can say hey good job?? You are the Mom and do what is best for you and your child. My kids were all on regular milk by 6 weeks and are fine. My oldest had colic and hit 6 weeks, whole milk and it stopped!! I was going to be "the good Mom" on my last and by 3 months thought enough nonsense went to 2%, she was big, and she became very happy. My kids could not tolerate the iron formula but people fought that. My first Dr. was old time, house calls and is the one who told me to use milk. If they are good sized 2% was fine as they do need fat. Now I get looks like I am nuts when I say it but... Sorry going on and on I really have a point  do what is best for you. I also add when people come if you are coming to see my house maybe come back later, if to see my family and me come on in
Rae
...those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles:...
Isaiah 40:31 |
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Diane B Carter
True Blue Farmgirl
1270 Posts
Diane
Blasdell
N.Y.
USA
1270 Posts |
Posted - Jul 01 2009 : 09:05:41 AM
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My mom used to criticize my housekeeping when my babies were small. One day she came over and I handed her a broom and said feel free to clean it anyway you want. I'm too busy with my boys. She did sweep the floor then left. My mom comes over everyday more than once a day. She never stays long (She lives next door)I think it's her break away from my dad and her household. Once I said I know mom you can get more dishes in the dishwasher than I do but I run mine everyday. I load any way I can, she starts in the back and works her way forward. I may never get to the back.
You know if your a good mother or not. I bet you love your daughter as much as I love my sons and they turned out great. If you can't ignore your mom than just tell her (calmly if possialbe) I don't know how you did it. I seem to need your help so feel free to pitch in and clean, or help. Remember she is the one who taught you. Maybe she needs to be reminded that maybe she failed as a mother.(actually I would never say that and don't think you should either) but it may make you smile the next time she bugs you.
I'm sorry about the loss of your kittens. My mom and I both gave our children cereal in a bottle with a little cut X in the nipple. Every night when they were a few months old and they slept longer. Was that a lazy way? Who cares they ate slept and were very happy babies without any weight problems.
Don't worry, be happy!!!
Hope all your days are Sunnydays.
dianebcarterhotmailcom.blogspot.com |
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CherryMeDarlin
True Blue Farmgirl
602 Posts
Cherry
Odenville
AL
USA
602 Posts |
Posted - Jul 01 2009 : 09:10:06 AM
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Jonni, you, my friend, are at a very important cross-roads as a mother! You're gonna have to nip this business with your MIL in the bud right now or you will never have any peace! You do not have to explain or justify your parental decisions to anyone. (Interestingly enough, my baby sister, mother of three between the ages of 6 and 9 mos taught me, the mother of a 17 yo daughter, that.) You would never do anything to injure or hurt Violet and that will simply have to be enough for your MIL. If she doesn't "approve" of how you are feeding Violet, she's more than welcome to get her own baby to feed the way she deems fit! But you can not let her get between you and your hubs! Trust me, put your foot down about this issue right now or it'll continue over every little choice you make as Violet grows up.
And as for Sunday dinner, you're gonna have to speak up, girl! If this isn't a good week-end, then say so. Make no apologies about it, just stand firm.
I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your mama, if you can just speak your mind or not, but a comment like she made about your front porch deserves a smart-mouth come-back. "I'm doing the best I can and if my best isn't good enough for you and you're feeling froggy, then jump right on it!" I think you should have "lost it"! There's nothing wrong with pointing out to someone that they are criticizing and not helping. Maybe your mama doesn't realize that she's giving you criticism and not advice. And sometimes people need to be told that if you want their opinion, you'll ask for it.
When you have as much on your plate as you do, it's okay to push it aside and dive right in to dessert! And Violet is that sweet dessert! If at the end of the day, you can lay your head on your pillow and rest in the knowledge that you have a healthy, happy baby girl that you have thoroughly enjoyed that day, then nothing else matters. Violet is your priority right now, not keeping to standards other people are placing on you without also supporting you. You will never regret not cleaning the porch, but you will regret missing out on one of her firsts.
Good luck to you, honey! Remember that people will treat you the way you allow them to.
~~Cherry~~
http://cherrymedarlin.blogspot.com
"A thing is as simple or as complicated as you make it." --TT Murphy |
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chaddsgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
843 Posts
Sarah
Farmgirl Sisterhood #639
MO
USA
843 Posts |
Posted - Jul 01 2009 : 09:12:19 AM
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IMHO, the fact that you have managed to hold it together without having a complete nervous breakdown from all the stress is an accomplishment in and of itself. I wish your mother would be kinder and hold her toungue, but she probably won't. And you know, when it comes to raising babies, you just have to do what is best for Violet. I have yet to hear of any child whose developement was severely retarded by "improper cereal feeding". Good Greif!! Keep your chin up, and go visit Miss Wilma and/or Janice. Don't worry about your house, the mess will always be there to clean up as some point. It's a long drive, but you are welcome in my home anytime. (Just give me a heads up so I can clean out a spot for you, LOL!!) :) Hugs and encouragement to you! I'm sure you are a wonderful mother and holding up under your current circumstances better than the majority of women in this world would be.
The chief source of failure and unhapiness is trading what you want the most for what you want at the moment. |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
Posted - Jul 01 2009 : 09:13:22 AM
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Jonni- You are an awesome mother. You worrying shows that- you worry about your daughter all the time which means you are ALWAYS striving to be a good mom. The best advice _I_ got was "Worry less about the cleaning as long as they are clean and safe. These moments and years fly by so fast- you don't want to look back just to realize that you spend 90% of her babyhood cleaning or worrying about cleaning" I think the same advice goes with worrying what people think!
Now, I have a strong personality and am willing to defend my position, even with family. So if it were me, I would tell them exactly how you are feeling and how much their comments are (1) Not helpful and (2) hurtful and (3) misleading. Sometimes people need a mirror if you know what I mean- perhaps they aren't seeing how their comments are coming across.
*hugs* Keep up doing what you are doing. You are doing fabulous!
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.awarmheart.com
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
www.allergyjourneys.blogspot.com
Put your pin on the farmgirl map! www.farmgirlmap.blogspot.com |
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
Posted - Jul 01 2009 : 09:21:17 AM
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I'm literally in tears. Thank you all, so very much. I don't have any girlfriends locally, except Julie and she has 2 children that keep her hopping, and it means so much that, though we all live at different ends of the earth, you know me a little by what I post about my life with Violet, and gardening, and cooking or whatever. You know I love my child with all my heart, and I may never be perfect, but I never, ever claimed to be.
Janice, thank you. Thank you and I know you mean it. I know you were a good momma, too...it was a different time, and I have far more tools at my disposal. And, I would gladly be a mouse in the farmhouse that Janice & David built!
Miss Wilma, the trip to your place is sorely needed. I only wish I had more than one to spend and clear my noggin with some good company and better conversation. Don't you worry...you always amaze me! Brooms decorated will no doubt, spark a new flurry of decorating necessity by farmgirls everywhere!
Corinne...I wish you were my neighbor. The very fluidity in which your words are written never ceased to calm me. Thank you.
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
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JudyBlueEyes
True Blue Farmgirl
657 Posts
Judith
Spokane
Washington
USA
657 Posts |
Posted - Jul 01 2009 : 09:24:50 AM
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Jonni, Sounds like you are doing fine to me, and I second Cherry's advice. A couple things to add: (1) A friend of mine had a baby and I was a little surprised that he was sleeping through the night at a rather early age. I asked her how she did it and she said before she put him down for the night, she would "feed him up" with milk and cereal and he slept, well, like a baby! (2) One of my favorite quotes from the Diana Gabaldon "Outlander" series comes from the female lead, Claire: "If a woman's work is never done, why bother about a few things gone wanting at this time" (or something like that) and she sat down with a nice, restoring cup of tea. Sometimes I look around my house and think, oh this needs done, or that needs done (and especially today and tomorrow as my sister is coming for a 4 day visit on Friday) and I have lots of "sprucing up" I'd like to do, but heck, she's coming to see me, not dwell on my housekeeping. (3) Here's my other favorite motto: "My house is clean enough to be healthy and dirty enough to be happy." After all, who can truly relax and be at peace in a spotless house where you're afraid to put your feet up!?!
Relax and enjoy your baby and hubby. Happy INDEPENDENCE Day!!! FarmGirl Hugs, JudyBlueEyes
We come from the earth, we go back to the earth, and in between, we garden! |
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mikesgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
3659 Posts
Sherri
Elma
WA
USA
3659 Posts |
Posted - Jul 01 2009 : 09:27:29 AM
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One of my greatest regrets in life was that when I was a new mom I let others (mainly my mother) tell me what I was doing wrong (in their opinion) and made me not trust my gut. That resulted in a less than close relationship with my oldest daughter. I got a little more confident as the babies came and started listening to my heart instead and I am so sorry I didn't do that early on. I agree with the others - you need to nip this in the bud.
Farmgirl Sister #98
Visit my online store at:
http://www.shopthefrontier.com/VFstore/index.php?manufacturers_id=79&osCsid=6be4b25bf9555031c6e2e86bbde23dba |
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Sheep Mom 2
True Blue Farmgirl
1534 Posts
Sheri
Elk
WA
USA
1534 Posts |
Posted - Jul 01 2009 : 09:36:15 AM
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I know how you feel. My mother was the queen of the biting comment. I finally found that the only way to deal with her was to not listen. I did that for almost 10 years before one day she said to me "your not listening to a word I say are you and you're not going to do what I say are you?" and I said no I'm not. I just quit arguing and did what I wanted anyway. One day I was having it out with my toddler upstairs and my mom had come in downstairs and she shouted at me from downstairs using my full maiden name just like when I was a kid saying get down here. I started for the stairs, then I realized - this is MY house. I shouted down to her "No! This is my house and my child and I will do as I see fit" My mother left my house. I had taken back my power. She didn't speak to me for two days (it was really peaceful as she usually called 15 time a day) and eventually everything evened out again. The funny thing was - she was so much more loving and sweet with my kids than she ever was with us. I kind of like what Bill Cosby said about that "This isn't my mother - this is an old person trying to get into heaven...." I got through it and so will you. You have to draw that line or she will continue to try to jerk the puppeteers strings. Follow your instincts - that is what a mother's intuition is for. I'm sure you are a great Mom.
Blessings, Sheri
"Work is Love made visible" -Kahlil Gibran |
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miss wilma
True Blue Farmgirl
3410 Posts
Wilma
Knob Lick
Ky
USA
3410 Posts |
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
Posted - Jul 01 2009 : 09:37:34 AM
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Oh my goodness...more response, and more tears from me. This was the boon I needed. This morning, I felt just like a wilting weed. Worthless on all fronts, and though I still feel a little wispy, I'm feeling stronger...and you are all correct. The best advice someone wrote to me at my shower was to "never mind the dishes, wash the bottles and play with your baby girl." And though I do quite a bit more, I try to maintain a happy medium between the garden, working full time and homelife. It has been less than happy, save Violet Mae, these last weeks.
What bothers me the most, aside from feeling so low, is that I felt I could trust my mil--in fact, we have a better relationship than my husband and she have because of so many unresolved childhood issues...And, as Cherry and Judy mentioned, I will have to nip that in the bud. Frustrating too (as I reminded my husband) that she was one who urged me to feed her cereal so early on, and "not" to tell the pediatrician because they won't agree, but "all babies need it"...With my mom, it's difficult...not because I'm opposed to telling her, she simply has a different interpretation of WHAT I'm telling her, and ends up deflecting it by completely denying everything....she is her mother, to a tee, and she hated all these same things about her mother.
A long weekend and some soul searching will help...and of course, the Farmgirls 
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
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Laila
True Blue Farmgirl
273 Posts
Laila
Kutztown
PA
USA
273 Posts |
Posted - Jul 01 2009 : 09:42:17 AM
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Jonni,
I don't know how you have held it all together with all that has happened to you lately. I'm sure I would have lost it. I can't believe your mother was so hard on you. That's her problem to deal with. Who cares if the house is dirty. You've got a baby to take care of and you want to spend time playing with her. They grow up too fast. When I visit someones house and see some dust I always think "YES!!! Someone like me!" Life is too short to worry about cleaning. When Violet is grown you'll have plenty of time to clean. For now, take the time to enjoy her. I think your husband was just reacting to all the stress you have both been under. You go girl - you're doing a great job raising a baby and working!
Laila |
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
Posted - Jul 01 2009 : 09:47:57 AM
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WOW!! First (((HUGS))), second, you ARE the mama and if mama ain't happy, no one is happy!! Screw the clean house and focus on what matters. The one time my parents came to see Charlie at 6 weeks old, they barely were joyful, not even wanting to hold him. All they were concerned was how unclean my house was (we, like you, spent all week cleaning and scrubbing and organizing) and then she asked me why I was still fat. I, too, was dealing with a colicky baby who had the most severe case of GERD ever and we were at the hospital 18 times in 6 weeks. I hadn't slept and to top it off, apparantely I offended them by breast feeding in front of them. OI VAY!!!! I have a month in complete denial who turns everything into some other story that suits her needs, she doesn't listen to what is being said.
Do what feels right for you. You have all the greatest advice here on this board and go with you mama instincts. We fed Charlie earlier than the ped's recommended because of his GERD.. Just take it slow and enjoy your time.
Heather
Yee-Haw, I am a cowgirl!!!
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Amie C.
True Blue Farmgirl
2099 Posts
Finger Lakes Region
NY
2099 Posts |
Posted - Jul 01 2009 : 10:35:52 AM
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| It's been said already but I've got to say it again: You're doing a GREAT job. I don't have any idea how to stop them from being crazy-makers, but try not to let them get you down. |
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crafter
True Blue Farmgirl
2313 Posts
lori
Fort Atkinson
Wisconsin
USA
2313 Posts |
Posted - Jul 01 2009 : 11:23:42 AM
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I'm so sorry that your family is getting you down- I have the same problem. My family members could always do a better job of anything I tried to do. I know that being the best mommy is the most important- Violet needs that from you... and her daddy- everyone else has to be on the back burner. And NO ONE remembers the dust bunnies!! Give Violet a big hug for me.
Keep doing what you are doing, because you are doing great!!
xoxo-Lori
Thank GOD I'm a Country Girl! |
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DaisyFarm
True Blue Farmgirl
1646 Posts
Diane
Victoria
BC
Canada
1646 Posts |
Posted - Jul 01 2009 : 11:50:06 AM
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I think Sherri and I had the same mother! I finally nipped it with a snippy remark, "Would you like a pen and paper? You could just make me a list"!
You gotta let it roll off your back darlin'...nobody knows little Violet better than you...NO ONE! Also, they don't have to live in your house, you do. If they don't like it, the door opens both ways.
Harsh? Yep! But I had to put a stop to the toxic comments that were undermining my own confidence and abilities.
And we all survived, are happy and close, and my garden is still tidier than my house!
xo
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
Posted - Jul 01 2009 : 12:07:15 PM
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Not harsh at all, Diane...I am so grateful for the sage advice...you're very right about toxic comments undermining confidence and abilities. I am my own worst critic, and certainly don't need anyone else beating up on me!
My mother is an easier matter...my mil, well, I'll probably have to wait until she says something to me directly (but I bet she won't). And what's more frustrating, is that I've been thinking how much she gangs up on her daughter (my sil's) mother in law for making remarks to my sil....she gets downright enraged. Wonder why then, it's alright to do it behind my back?
I wanted to tell my husband this morning, "well, I hope the two of you will be very happy together when you move back home!" but I refrained.
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
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Old Spirit
True Blue Farmgirl
1498 Posts
Rae
MN
1498 Posts |
Posted - Jul 01 2009 : 1:23:09 PM
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Killing one with kindness can also be rather entertaining Sorry but sometimes I just don't get it. Hang in there as we all have said you are ok and that is all that matters to Violet.
Rae
...those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles:...
Isaiah 40:31 |
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kmbrown
True Blue Farmgirl
459 Posts
Misty
Waynesboro
Pennsylvania
USA
459 Posts |
Posted - Jul 01 2009 : 1:53:52 PM
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Oh Jonni,
I'm sorry you're having such a rough day!! My MIL hasn't spoken to us for over a year...she lives 10 min. away. My mom and I are very close though and I can't imagine how hurtful it would be if she said some of those things to me.
YOU are Violet's mother. Momma always knows best so if it's time for Violet to have cereal...give it to her. I started my 2nd son on cereal at 3 months and he slept better and was happier.
My house is NEVER totally clutter free and cleaned. I can't keep up on it how I want, but that is part of being a mommy and I have accepted that and it's ok.
Just be you, raise your baby how YOU think is best and you'll be fine. I know that is soooo hard to do....but keep working at it and it'll come easier as time goes by.
LOTS of hugs to you.
Misty |
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Corinnelouise
True Blue Farmgirl
957 Posts
Corinne
France
957 Posts |
Posted - Jul 01 2009 : 9:52:56 PM
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Jonni, the little bad words we say to our husband do not need to be said aloud. The trouble with words, especially between spouses, is that we cannot take them back. I can be very frustrated with DH but will make a big effort to not say anything that can harm our relationship.
Take it one moment at the time, and just let drop what is not worth picking it up.
Maybe your DH is also frustrated with everything happening and it is so easy to turn to old habits like giving his mom approuval without truly thinking by himself ?
I hope you will sleep well and feel rested in the morning.
Hugs,
Corinne
Sister # 101
'Heaven on Earth' is a choice you must make, not a place you must find.
Dr. Wayne Dyer |
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kissmekate
True Blue Farmgirl
890 Posts
Kate
Delano
Minnesota
890 Posts |
Posted - Jul 01 2009 : 10:04:31 PM
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Oh sweetie, if I were there I'd give you a big ol' hug.
Don't let your mom or mil make you feel bad. Chances are, they were the same or worse when they had little babies, and they didn't work full time to boot. It is easy to criticize when they don't have a baby to take care of. On top of a C-section. Which, I know in my case, I didn't bounce back from very easy, it takes time.
You are a terrific Mama, and don't let anyone tell you differently.
Even if your house was a total "pit" as long as that sweet baby is taken care of, who cares?
I promise the little messes around the house can wait until she is much older.
They are only little once, so enjoy her now, and clean later! You'll have no regrets later on.
Don't miss out on a blessing, just because it isn't packaged the way you expected. ~MaryJo Copeland |
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Across the Fence: EVERYONE'S got an opinion! |
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EVERYONE'S got an opinion!
