| Author |
Family Matters:  Clear  |
|
CherryMeDarlin
True Blue Farmgirl
602 Posts
Cherry
Odenville
AL
USA
602 Posts |
 Posted - May 31 2009 : 07:07:42 AM
|
Oh, Kate, you put into words the same thoughts I've had, reading through Linda's story.
Linda, honey, something ain't right with a grown man taking to his bed to pout and punish you for addressing an issue that is so obviously very important to you! Do you realize how many times you've used the word "anger" to describe him? How would you advise someone you deeply love in your situation? What would you tell her? Read back over your posts and try to distance yourself from them, as though you were reading another's words and think about this. You don't sound happy. It sounds like you're giving up something extremely vital to your beliefs for this man who who is emotionally crippled! You speak of the future and growing old together, but it sure sounds like he ain't too concerned with your future or your happiness.
I've been with the same man for 22 years. Married for 21 of those years except for one year when we each lost our minds and got divorced. Brian would have been content to just go down to the courthouse since we'd had a church wedding the first time around. That would have saved time and money. But because of my beliefs, I wanted our pastor to re-marry us. Because of how special our first wedding was to me, I wanted to re-marry on our original wedding date. And for the romance of it, I wanted to be married on the beach. He could have cared less about any of it. All he wanted was for us to be legally joined so that he could truthfully say that we were married. On our way home from the beach that week-end, he asked me if I was happy. I told him that I was and that I appreciated with my whole heart him letting me have my way with this wedding. He told me that it was all worth it as long as I was happy because it makes him happy to make me happy. THAT's what you're missing, Linda!
It is in the scriptures to not be unequally yoked. But that's not just a Biblical principle. It's a law of nature and physics, too. If you build a structure that has one wall weaker than it's opposite, the structure will fall. From what you've said, I'm afraid this man is asking you to give up way too much of yourself in the name of appeasing his anger. He's putting you in a position that weakens you legally. He's inconsiderate of your happiness. He's disrespecting you as his partner in this life. I hope you don't lose the strong, wonderful person you are to his childish demands and inconsiderations.
~~Cherry~~
http://cherrymedarlin.blogspot.com
"A thing is as simple or as complicated as you make it." --TT Murphy |
 |
|
|
therusticcottage
True Blue Farmgirl
4439 Posts
Kay
Vancouver
WA
USA
4439 Posts |
Posted - May 31 2009 : 11:59:44 AM
|
It is hard to comment on a subject like this. I would not want to hurt feelings. But after reading all the posts I would have to agree with the others. Linda, it sounds to me like you are in a relationship with a very controlling man. It's either his way or the highway. Marriage, and relationships, are about compromise. It doesn't sound like your partner is willing to compromise. He wants it all his way or nothing. The only person that can take care of your future is you! If he's not concerned about your future after 10 years then he's never going to be concerned about it. Don't fool yourself into believing that marriage is going to fix anything because it won't. My advice - I would not marry this man. Like Kate said - run as fast as you can and start your own life.
Handmade Soap & Lotion Bars http://www.therusticcottagebath.com
The Rustic Cottage Blog http://therusticcottage.blogspot.com
Follow me on Twitter! www.twitter.com/rusticcottage
|
Edited by - therusticcottage on May 31 2009 12:05:03 PM |
|
|
|
MagnoliaWhisper
True Blue Farmgirl
2817 Posts
Heather
Haysville
Kansas
USA
2817 Posts |
Posted - May 31 2009 : 2:35:23 PM
|
I haven't read every thing, but Dr Phil a few weeks ago had a similar story.....He made the analogy........to the man, how would you like to go to prison for 10 years for something you didn't do? Of course he said he wouldn't like it. Dr. Phil said, you are making this woman, be in prison for what your first wife did-making her pay by not marrying her, because his first marriage was bad! It really helped the man see what he was doing to this woman.
OTOH, and please don't take this wrong, but for others who are reading this......remember you teach people how to treat you. If you want to marry you, then it's probably best not to live with them first. In fact the divorce rate is much higher with people who live together first. OTOH, my step father and mom lived together for 9 years before they got married (it was my mom who didn't want to remarry), and now have been married for over 25 years!
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
|
|
|
babysmama
True Blue Farmgirl
931 Posts
Elizabeth
Iowa
931 Posts |
Posted - May 31 2009 : 4:17:16 PM
|
I agree with Heather about her last point, but there is little that can be done about that now. It is the perfect anthology though..."why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?" Your partner has all the benefits of a marriage without the legal aspect of it all.
I guess what stumps me most is that he will introduce you as his wife but when someone says "Congratulations, I didn't realize you were married!" he gets angry. That seems like playing mind games with you and the person he is talking to. If he can call you his wife he should be able to follow through and make it a legal union. I guess I would think he should be proud that you would want to marry him, letting him know that you are choosing him for life.
-Elizabeth |
|
|
|
Quintessential Kate
True Blue Farmgirl
175 Posts
Kate
Tyler
TX
USA
175 Posts |
Posted - Jun 01 2009 : 06:23:39 AM
|
Dr. Phil's analogy was RIGHT ON! Asking the man "how would you like to go to prison for 10 years for something you didn't do???" And Linda, honey, YOU are the only one who can let yourself out of that prison.
I guess my husband and I beat the odds.... I was 21 and he was 23 when we met, and then shortly moved in with each other. It was truly a meeting of soul mates. We lived together for 8 years....although the only ones bothered by our co-habitation were my folks. We got married after 8 years.....mostly because we knew we were going to be together always, AND then the archaic laws that prevented me from being declared a "dependant" on his employer provided health insurance, and we were unable to obtain a loan in both of our names so we could purchase a house. Granted it was not always easy, but this July we will celebrate 34 years. In our minds and hearts we were already married....and the civil ceremony at the Justice of the Peace was pretty much a business transaction. But like I said... the odds were stacked against us, but we were very lucky to beat them. My husband to this day is my BFF!! The only regret we have is that we never had children.... we both believed that if it was meant to be it would happen. Well, it never happened.....and at the time I was not willing to do the fertility thing....because I had a fear of having a litter of children at one time. That was 30 years ago......and now people are opting to have litters. LOL!!!
Anyway.......Linda, I wish you the best in life.
When you come to the end of all the light you know, and it's time to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen: Either you will be given something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly. Edward Teller
Ciao, Kate
Heart of Texas
Chapter
AKA: Hot Farmgirl #234
http://quintessentialkate.blogspot.com
Today is my best day! |
|
|
|
yarnmamma
True Blue Farmgirl
4247 Posts
Linda
Clarks Summit
PA
USA
4247 Posts |
Posted - Jun 01 2009 : 07:48:59 AM
|
Kate, I am inspired by reading your personal story.
I also liked your quote by Edward Teller
One of these days I would like to share my story about my X husband who has always been my Best Friend..since we met almost 20 years ago. We have shared many many children thru foster care for about 17 years, currently a very severely sick adopted son of ours.
We are no longer married but we get along great living apart..and are not lovers....but we still both agree that we are still the best of friends.
Linda
in Scranton, PA
farmgirl #71
"WELL BEHAVED WOMEN RARELY MAKE HISTORY"
(The Junk Gypsy) |
|
|
|
yarnmamma
True Blue Farmgirl
4247 Posts
Linda
Clarks Summit
PA
USA
4247 Posts |
Posted - Jun 01 2009 : 07:57:14 AM
|
I have to say now that my father had mental problems after having heart attacks...they affected his brain more than we realized until he got more and more forgetfull and obsessive about things.
Linda, your Domestic partner has had heart attacks and they can truly cause depression, emotional outbursts and obsessions. So an important BIG question to ask yourself is if he has changed since the heart trouble? We he always controlling and angry or bitter like this? If he was then have his emotions and beliefs and outbursts increased? It could be health, heart, meds or brain disease that he truly can't help. The internet is a good place to find out some of these things...or simply ask his doctor.
I have typed in search for side effects of meds and for symptoms of illnesses and though there are books that can be bought it is NOT necessary...keep looking and there is plenty of free info. Don't feel like ya have to spend money on it. Hope this helps!
(((((((((Linda and partner and family))))))
hugs for all of you from another Linda
Linda
in Scranton, PA
farmgirl #71
"WELL BEHAVED WOMEN RARELY MAKE HISTORY"
(The Junk Gypsy) |
|
|
|
Quintessential Kate
True Blue Farmgirl
175 Posts
Kate
Tyler
TX
USA
175 Posts |
Posted - Jun 02 2009 : 08:58:00 AM
|
Linda,
Haven't heard anything from you in a few days.....I am worried about you.
I hope my blatant honesty did not frighten you off or worse yet, hurt you.
Please let us hear from you, as I am sure the other Farm Girl sisters who have joined in would like to know how you are doing also.
Love and hugs....
Kate
Heart of Texas
Chapter
AKA: Hot Farmgirl #234
http://quintessentialkate.blogspot.com
Today is my best day! |
|
|
|
goneriding
True Blue Farmgirl
1599 Posts
Winona
Central Oregon
USA
1599 Posts |
Posted - Jun 03 2009 : 8:04:08 PM
|
I'm jumping in here also and I have to say I agree with Kate and the others. I didn't read every post word for word but I skimmed thru all of them and my thoughts are to run away as fast as you can too. My personal story is one of sticking it out with a control freak (and worse) and finally stepping out to drive a big rig and met the love of my life who treats me like I walk on water. I adore/love him to the depths of my being and I never knew it could be soooo good!
So, like Kate said, you haven't posted and we need to hear from you. Please know I'm thinking of you!!
Winona ;-)
To read funny stories about my cooking 'skills', please visit http://lostadventuresincooking.blogspot.com/
For uber-opinionated, pleasurable horse related reading, please visit http://horseinfoperson.blogspot.com/
|
|
|
|
Aunt Clemys Farm Girl
True Blue Farmgirl
157 Posts
Linda
MA
USA
157 Posts |
Posted - Jun 04 2009 : 07:55:15 AM
|
edited by
Aunt Clemys Farm Girl
|
Edited by - Aunt Clemys Farm Girl on Aug 29 2009 1:00:45 PM |
|
|
|
Annika
True Blue Farmgirl
5602 Posts
Annika
USA
5602 Posts |
Posted - Jun 04 2009 : 08:17:02 AM
|
I have been reading along and saying prayers for you. I haven't known what to say, as I had previously been in an abusive relationship and didn't want to say the wrong thing, but you have my support and farmgirl hugs for your difficult path ahead. Please take care *hug* and always remember that your farmgirl sisters are here for you.
Blessings and light
Annika
Farmgirl & sister #13
|
|
|
|
Jami
True Blue Farmgirl
1238 Posts
Jami
Ellensburg
WA
USA
1238 Posts |
|
|
Annab
True Blue Farmgirl
2900 Posts
Anna
Seagrove
NC
USA
2900 Posts |
Posted - Jun 05 2009 : 03:32:53 AM
|
Anything worth keeping is worth fighting for. Marriage and serious relationships take work. Never has been easy, but the right person makes it easier.
Glad to know you will be getting some assistance.
|
|
|
|
willowtreecreek
True Blue Farmgirl
4813 Posts
Julie
Russell
AR
USA
4813 Posts |
Posted - Jun 05 2009 : 04:42:05 AM
|
I think weddings are over-rated and are really more for the family then they are for the individuals involved. Personally I think that weddings have been commercialized and businesses have led us to think they are so important because it is a money making venture for them.
Many of us like to look to the more simpler days of life here on the forum. Weddings were normally huge events "back then". They were simple affairs sometimes involving family sometimes not.
When I got married I had a big wedding because thats what my mom wanted. I would have rathered going to the courthouse with my hubby and being done with it. The wedding was nice but a silly frivolty in my opinion.
A lot of people have given you different views and different suggestions. Some people have mentioned selfishness on the part of your guy but I dont think that is really the case. When you love someone and I mean TRUELY love someone do you really need a "ceremony" to tell you that you love each other.
Have you considered having a "wedding" like he wants, just the two of you, a weekend away, no religion etc but then when you return having a small get-together with family to celebrate your relationship. Not even necessarily a "wedding reception".
Farmgirl Sister #17
Blog
www.willowtreecreek.wordpress.com
|
|
|
|
Quintessential Kate
True Blue Farmgirl
175 Posts
Kate
Tyler
TX
USA
175 Posts |
Posted - Jun 05 2009 : 05:02:03 AM
|
I was happy to hear from you Linda. Know that we're here for you!
Reading through this again......we all have different points of view, and ultimately, it is YOUR point of view that is going to weigh the heaviest.
Here is a quote from Erica Jong......I think I've read everything she has ever written. I think it sums things up just fine.
Best of luck Honey.....and let's keep this thread going so we know you're doing fine.
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." (Erica Jong)
Warmest wishes and HUGS,
Kate
Heart of Texas
Chapter
AKA: Hot Farmgirl #234
http://quintessentialkate.blogspot.com
Today is my best day! |
|
|
|
yarnmamma
True Blue Farmgirl
4247 Posts
Linda
Clarks Summit
PA
USA
4247 Posts |
Posted - Jun 05 2009 : 05:19:43 AM
|
LOL ain't it the truth!!! LOL
Linda in Scranton, PA
"The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world!"
author unknown |
|
|
|
Quintessential Kate
True Blue Farmgirl
175 Posts
Kate
Tyler
TX
USA
175 Posts |
Posted - Jun 05 2009 : 05:21:48 AM
|
P.S....
I have to agree with Julie (Willowtreecreek).........
Weddings....all the pomp and circumstance ARE over-rated. My hubby (of 34 years now) and I snuck off to the Justice of the Peace....and I felt like "the blushing bride", eventhough we had already been living together for 8 years.
When my husbands niece got married they spent almost $100,000 alone on the flowers in the reception room. It was at The Phoenician in Scottsdale, AZ...with rooms for all the family members and members of the bridal party. Name an amenity and it was available. I think the whole wedding was upwards of $500,000......and they were divorcing less than 5 years later. I have always thought that the parents offering the money that they would have spent on a wedding.....in lieu of a wedding, and the "kids" putting a down-payment on a house would be a better way to do it. But that's just my opinion.
Point is.......it's not the hoopla that makes the marriage.......it's the heart of two people.
Heart of Texas
Chapter
AKA: Hot Farmgirl #234
http://quintessentialkate.blogspot.com
Today is my best day! |
|
|
|
jo Thompson
True Blue Farmgirl
603 Posts
Jo
the mountainside of the Chugach
in Alaska
USA
603 Posts |
Posted - Jun 05 2009 : 05:45:37 AM
|
Well, here's my two cents. You have to respect his feelings if you want him to respect yours. Maybe he isn't comfortable in church (I'm not), but feel very spiritual. I married my husband on the beach with family present. Luckily, my husband Paul, enjoyed the same thing. I also feel, that maybe after ten years of being together he might feel silly with the whole ceremony thing. He loves you enough to marry you even though he doesn't feel compelled to be married.
Above all, you need to communicate.... As in, can we compromise here, it shouldn't ever be all one or the other. You've been together ten years which is a pretty successful union. A wedding day is only one day and it's a pretty stressful one. A marriage lasts a lifetime.
"life is drab without a lab"
http://web.mac.com/thomja/ |
|
|
|
Annab
True Blue Farmgirl
2900 Posts
Anna
Seagrove
NC
USA
2900 Posts |
Posted - Jun 07 2009 : 03:42:03 AM
|
Yea. My second marriage involved a rather simple church wedding--even though the first time invilved no one and I eloped. BIG MISTAKE on that one. So thie second one made up for lost time but wasn't fussy and elaborate
Of course all our friends were invited. It was more like a very huge famly reunion...Hence, no need to be nervous. And why not celebrate something that IS supposed to be a happy occasion?
I remember all the details and better still, |
|
|
|
Quintessential Kate
True Blue Farmgirl
175 Posts
Kate
Tyler
TX
USA
175 Posts |
Posted - Jun 07 2009 : 06:52:07 AM
|
Hi Linda,
Have a great week....do something for YOU!!!
Know that we're here if you need us.
Hugs, Kate
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Corinthians
Heart of Texas
Chapter
AKA: Hot Farmgirl #234
http://quintessentialkate.blogspot.com
Today is my best day! |
|
|
|
Annab
True Blue Farmgirl
2900 Posts
Anna
Seagrove
NC
USA
2900 Posts |
Posted - Jun 09 2009 : 06:30:22 AM
|
| Yuppr, the passage from Corinthians just about sums it up |
|
|
|
Family Matters: Clear |
|
Clear
