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Family Matters:  Whoa!!! He just slammed on the brakes  |
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lisamarie508
True Blue Farmgirl
2648 Posts
Lisa
Idaho City
ID
USA
2648 Posts |
 Posted - Feb 09 2009 : 9:09:39 PM
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Well the divorce is progressing but not quite the way I thought it would. The mediator dealt with us separately as that was my wish and he started with me. I told the mediator that originally I was going to buy him out but had decided against it as he got greedy and wanted even more than I could come up with. I told him I wanted the house sold and my name taken off the deed immediately (liability reasons) and a stipulation that I will get half the net proceeds upon closing. Then he talks to stb ex and when he comes back he says stb ex doesn't want anything but your money. He won't take or deal with the house in any way and says he can't afford to pay the mortgage (we bring in exact same amount and I can do it). Mediator suggested that if I want this over with quickly and with my credit rating intact, that I pay him off with the other half of my retirement account that he's NOT entitled to (the fact that he gets half of it anyway is a given - state law).
So, weighing both sides, I either hand over my entire retirement account, assume sole ownership of the house and get rid of him, OR he stays in the house while trying to sell it for more than it's worth (he's in love with money), defaults and loses it and my credit rating goes out the window (can't take my name off the deed ahead of the sale) along with any equity; leaving me unable to buy anything for many years and our divorce drags on until the house issue is settled or lost entirely...I chose to hand over my whole retirement account.
I'm hoping I made the right decision here. It's taken me many years to fix my credit and struggling to maintain it thanks to his foolish spending habits and poor work ethic. I so don't want to try to fix it after a foreclosure. I still have 20 years to go before I retire. The house will be paid off in 11 years. I'm thinking that after the house is paid off, I could then put all or most of that mortgage payment voluntarily into my retirement account until I do retire, thereby replenishing what he took, for the most part.
Dang it! I so didn't want this because I was afraid he would then be telling sob stories about how I took everything. He also refused to take any furniture, appliances, tools or anything even though I had put all that stuff into his column. He even told the mediator I could have the only vehicle! I said I don't want or need such a gas pig and how was he going to leave if he has no vehicle? Also, because the house I've been staying in has been sold (I've been house-sitting), I have to move out by March 1st so, I had to stipulate that he would have to be out of the house by then as I could not possibly pay rent somewhere AND the mortgage.
Turns out, I have him so pegged. My suspicions couldn't have been more on the money!!! As soon as I got home from Boise, I started getting phone calls from people he had already called. He told all of them that I "won" and that he was leaving town with nothing more than a few pictures and the clothes on his back! He failed to mention the small fortune I'm handing over to him and the fact that I'm not attaching anything to get half of his lawsuit he has going on or half of his Social Security (which I am entitled to).
This did not go at all the way I was dreaming. I just wanted to wash my hands of everything and move on clean and fresh. Sorry to ramble on so. I just find this all very frustrating and I guess I'm venting. Or maybe it's whining. OMG, somebody slap me!
Farmgirl Sister #35
"If you can not do great things, do small things in a great way." Napoleon Hill (1883-1970)
my blog:
http://lisamariesbasketry.blogspot.com/
[size=1]My apron website:
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
Posted - Feb 09 2009 : 9:31:08 PM
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Lisa- is this binding or non binding arbitration? Divorces get ugly fast. We even saw a few things kindof like that in the divorce between Doug's parents. I am SOOO sorry that you had to deal with all that. And quite frankly- he would deserve it if he was run out of town with only the clothes on his back and his own personal gains. I am so sorry you had to hand over your retirement account. You'll get it back without him wasting your money. And at least you aren't having to leave your gardens and such that you worked so hard to build!
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.awarmheart.com
Please come visit Nora and me on our blog: www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
Put your pin on the farmgirl map! www.farmgirlmap.blogspot.com |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
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lisamarie508
True Blue Farmgirl
2648 Posts
Lisa
Idaho City
ID
USA
2648 Posts |
Posted - Feb 09 2009 : 9:53:31 PM
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I hadn't really thought about that, Alee. I suppose he could just dig his heals in and force me to do something about it. I don't know if there would even be any recourse if he did damage to the house. Ugh! I so don't want to deal with him and his antics anymore!
As far as running him out of town...well he brought that on himself by being so mean to so many people. Nobody will talk to him anymore. He knows he has no reason to stay here.
Farmgirl Sister #35
"If you can not do great things, do small things in a great way." Napoleon Hill (1883-1970)
my blog:
http://lisamariesbasketry.blogspot.com/
[size=1]My apron website:
http://lisamariesaprons.bravehost.com [size=1] |
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Buffalomary
True Blue Farmgirl
199 Posts
Mary
Caldwell
ID
USA
199 Posts |
Posted - Feb 09 2009 : 10:23:36 PM
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First of all here is a <<<hug>>> for ya. I am very familiar with fast ones being pulled.
Another thought, it sounds like you are converting your retirement fund to cash and there are often taxes and penalities associated with that. Hopefully that will not cause problems for you down the road...
Buffalomary
Farmgirl Sister #293
You can take the farmer's daughter off the farm but you can't take the farm out of the farmer's daughter!!
Please visit me at my blog: http://buffalomaryscorner.blogspot.com |
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Mumof3
True Blue Farmgirl
3890 Posts
Karin
Ellenwood
GA
USA
3890 Posts |
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lisamarie508
True Blue Farmgirl
2648 Posts
Lisa
Idaho City
ID
USA
2648 Posts |
Posted - Feb 10 2009 : 05:06:36 AM
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ROFLOL!!!! Thanks for the laugh first thing in the morning, Karin! I wasn't expecting that so it hit me really funny.
Mary, they'll take the taxes out immediately, but because this is going to be court ordered, there will be no penalties.
Farmgirl Sister #35
"If you can not do great things, do small things in a great way." Napoleon Hill (1883-1970)
my blog:
http://lisamariesbasketry.blogspot.com/
[size=1]My apron website:
http://lisamariesaprons.bravehost.com [size=1] |
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Suzan
True Blue Farmgirl
659 Posts
suzanne
duncannon
pa
USA
659 Posts |
Posted - Feb 10 2009 : 05:14:56 AM
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| Oh, Lisa...I feel so bad for you but hang in there, it can only get better, right? My sister went thru a similar situation and he did the same thing, told everyone the story with his spin on it...hang in there. We are all here for you! |
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Corinnelouise
True Blue Farmgirl
957 Posts
Corinne
France
957 Posts |
Posted - Feb 10 2009 : 09:39:40 AM
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Lisa, sometimes it looks bad but it comes out to be way better.
Please, please, take half of his Social Security since you are entitled to, if not for you, for your daughter's sake. When we deal with people like him they understand only the game they play themselves. Take everything that you can legally, that will help cover your losses in the retirement plan, and I am sure you can make a new one soon.
Hugs,
corinne
Sister # 101 |
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Ingrid
True Blue Farmgirl
432 Posts
Ingrid
BC
Canada
432 Posts |
Posted - Feb 10 2009 : 10:47:40 AM
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Hi Lisa - to the people who have called about his sob story - they only want to fuel the gossip - anyone who knows you well and knows him will not listen to his story - I have a deadbeat ex so know from experience - you are still better off to get rid of him and still keep your dignity, what you have worked so hard for, and to heck what other people think. This is your future, take hold of it, don't look back only look forward. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
Take care. Ingrid
Give thanks to yourself everyday for all the wonderful things you do! |
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Suzan
True Blue Farmgirl
659 Posts
suzanne
duncannon
pa
USA
659 Posts |
Posted - Feb 10 2009 : 2:12:48 PM
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| I will tell you, Lisa, my sister walked away with only the dining room table and buffet - her lawyer kept telling her she was entitled to half of his retirement etc but she just wanted out - now she regrets not taking the lawyer's advice after the way he has acted since, telling his "version" etc... lots of resentment has found it's way to the surface now...from her experience I would say take what ever you can get... |
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wild daisy
True Blue Farmgirl
503 Posts
Madelynne
Billings
Montana
USA
503 Posts |
Posted - Feb 10 2009 : 4:44:51 PM
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Sorry to hear that your ex acted like this. My parents are also divorced but it was my mother who acted like your ex. She wanted more then she was entitled to and the judge saw what she really was like after her out bursts in court. She got the least amount of alimony the courts would allow and got the whole house to herself. She is always taking bad about my father to anyone who will listen. Saying she got nothing and he pays nothing to her. What she doesn't realize is I have talked to many old friends and set them straight that my father does pay his alimony and that she got the house free and clear. Mind you they come up to me saying how mean my father is and how poor my father made her. Some people just can't live without causing more trouble then they are worth.
Hope only the best for you. <<<<HUGS>>>>
Madelynne
Madelynne
johnandmadelynne.blogspot.com |
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lisamarie508
True Blue Farmgirl
2648 Posts
Lisa
Idaho City
ID
USA
2648 Posts |
Posted - Feb 10 2009 : 6:03:20 PM
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I'm not sure the folks that called me were actually trying to make trouble or just asking if what he said was true? I hope they're not just gathering fodder for gossip sessions. One of the phone calls I got was from my son in Salt Lake. I found out this morning from Rose that stb ex had called her yesterday, too. She won't pick up the phone when he calls so, he left her a message. He told her to try to find me a man because I really need one!!! I could not believe he said that. He really doesn't know me at all, I guess. No matter, anymore.
I've calmed down considerably since last night and I know I'll be just fine and I'll make the best of that run-down old house. I am going to be really busy this summer trying to catch up on repairs and finishing projects that he started and never finished. First thing is replacing dd bedroom door that he broke and pulling up the carpet in her room that he ruined. Then I have to catch the pantry addition before it falls off the house! I also need to find a Plumbing for Dummies book because I also have to move the bathroom before the tub and toilet fall through the floor. It'll all be good. I have friends willing to help and it'll all get done and be really nice when it is. I suppose whether I bought a new place that needed fixing or I kept this one doesn't really matter. Except that I'll have to get creative and come up with another way to get and keep a miniature Jersey, though ;)
Farmgirl Sister #35
"If you can not do great things, do small things in a great way." Napoleon Hill (1883-1970)
my blog:
http://lisamariesbasketry.blogspot.com/
[size=1]My apron website:
http://lisamariesaprons.bravehost.com [size=1] |
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Corinnelouise
True Blue Farmgirl
957 Posts
Corinne
France
957 Posts |
Posted - Feb 10 2009 : 9:18:18 PM
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Lisa, do not forget to change all the locks, and extend the restraining order to the house and the garden and the total of your property.
Hugs,
Corinne
Sister # 101 |
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lisamarie508
True Blue Farmgirl
2648 Posts
Lisa
Idaho City
ID
USA
2648 Posts |
Posted - Feb 11 2009 : 05:13:37 AM
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Oh, yes, thanks, Corinne. I forgot about the lock thing. Some windows don't even have locks, so I'll have to take care of that too. I'm also surrounded by nosy neighbors which, in my case is a good thing!
Farmgirl Sister #35
"If you can not do great things, do small things in a great way." Napoleon Hill (1883-1970)
my blog:
http://lisamariesbasketry.blogspot.com/
[size=1]My apron website:
http://lisamariesaprons.bravehost.com [size=1] |
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asnedecor
True Blue Farmgirl
1054 Posts
Anne
Portland
Or
USA
1054 Posts |
Posted - Feb 11 2009 : 06:48:44 AM
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Lisa -
I am no expert on divorce or marriage problems, so can't help you there. Even though you got a run down house - you know what the problems are, there are no surprises. If you can, do one room at a time - don't try to fix everything at once or it will be overwhelming. Start with the worse things - sounds like the bathroom, then move from there. Sell whatever items of his you don't want or give to Goodwill and get the tax write off. If the car is a "gas hog" sell it and try to find something in your buget that is not. Make a list and "clean" house so to speak. Now that he is going to be out of the picture, you have to look at this as a fresh start and you can do things the way you want and from the sounds of it the right way.
If I lived closer to you I would help, I am pretty handy around the house.
Good luck!!!
Anne in Portland, OR
"Weeds are flowers too, once you get to know them" Eyeore from Winnie the Pooh
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
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lisamarie508
True Blue Farmgirl
2648 Posts
Lisa
Idaho City
ID
USA
2648 Posts |
Posted - Feb 11 2009 : 7:47:06 PM
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Thanks, Anne. That's pretty much the plan. I actually have to prioritize according what's most at risk. I think the bathroom will hold up for several more months. The pantry on the other hand could go any day. I wouldn't worry so much about it except that's where the hot water tank and one of the breaker boxes is located (there are 3). If that addition falls off it's a fire in the making and with a 140+ year old house it wouldn't take much flame to lose it all in a matter of minutes. But, after the pantry is dealt with, the bathroom will be next.
We had accumulated so many building materials with all these projects in mind (some started). I have windows up the wahzoo; some replacement, some for more light and some for my greenhouse. There are new light fixtures, enough hardwood flooring to do the living room and kitchen, plumbing fixtures, pipe and fittings, electrical stuff and more. I plan to take pictures and post on my blog (that I've been neglecting) to document the metamorphosis of this old house.
You're right. It will be done right, each project will be finished before the next one is started and it will all come together and look great when I'm all done. Maybe by the time I'm finished all the awful memories will disappear with the renovations and dd and I will have made new ones! She's already excited about painting her bedroom floor.
Farmgirl Sister #35
"If you can not do great things, do small things in a great way." Napoleon Hill (1883-1970)
my blog:
http://lisamariesbasketry.blogspot.com/
[size=1]My apron website:
http://lisamariesaprons.bravehost.com [size=1] |
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Mother Hen
True Blue Farmgirl
604 Posts
Cindy
Peck
ID
USA
604 Posts |
Posted - Feb 11 2009 : 8:06:06 PM
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Okay Lisa, everyone is giving encouragement which I did on your other post. Now, I want to give you advise.
Yes, change every lock immediately upon possession of house!!
If your windows don't lock, put a 1x2 between the upper part of the window(where a lock would be) and the top of window casing, you know so the window can't be lifted up. Of course I'm assuming if it's an old house that you have the old sash windows.
VERY IMPORTANT--GET HIM TO "QUIT CLAIM" THE HOUSE TO YOU B/4 EVERYTHING IS FINAL!!! This PLUS your divorce paperwork will make sure he has no legal claim to the property!! Then maybe you could refinance it with rates probably lower then when you purchased it.
Also, my ex was all about the money too, and all I wanted was OUT, however, you have to protect your daughter's future as well as your own that you haven't fully contemplated yet. Get the 1/2 of the social security that you said you are entitled to. You don't know what this economy is going to do and it may very well be a saving grace for you at some point, and if it isn't, start replacing your retirement account with it each month!!
Also, make sure to get FULL custody of your daughter if at all possible, it wasn't supposed to be possible for me to when I divorced in FL but, I negotiated him paying less in child support so I could have FULL CUSTODY, it was well worth it!! You don't want to have to deal with him and go to court over stupid things like he doesn't want you to change her pediatrician, or doesn't want her to do cheerleading, or whatever the case.
Also here's one more from my experience for you to learn from: get the child support paid by him to the state through payroll deduction or social security deduction!! If he is a spend thrift you will start not getting child support. Sometime, if you want, I'll elaborate on my ordeal with that situation.
Also, make sure everything you are getting is spelled out clearly in your divorce paperwork, every little thing listed that will be yours and what will be his. Then when all done and signed by the judge, go right to the bank and get a safety deposit box and put all your paperwork in there, for everything, title to the rig (which you need to get changed to your name only) original divorce paperwork, bank mortgage paperwork, everything.
Also alert your nosey neighbors that if he is seen there after such and such date they are to call the police immediately and not to confront him first.
Oh, and for the locks, you also need to change the ones on all out buildings too!
There, if I think of anything else, I'll let you know.
Sorry to be so long winded, guess you can tell this is a passionate topic for me.
God Bless you,
Cindy
I will bless the Lord at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth. Psalms 34:1 |
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Mother Hen
True Blue Farmgirl
604 Posts
Cindy
Peck
ID
USA
604 Posts |
Posted - Feb 11 2009 : 8:10:53 PM
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Lisa, you want to also, change your bank account right now if you haven't and your P.O. Box too so he doesn't have access to anything of yours.
Just another thought,
Cindy
I will bless the Lord at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth. Psalms 34:1 |
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lisamarie508
True Blue Farmgirl
2648 Posts
Lisa
Idaho City
ID
USA
2648 Posts |
Posted - Feb 12 2009 : 06:18:38 AM
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Cindy - great advice - but I'm way ahead of you on some things. I got a new po box and bank account the fist work day after I left him! My paychecks were auto deposited and I didn't want him getting his hands on it. I will use the 1X2 to keep the windows shut that don't have locks until I get locks, thanks. I'll put one in the track of the sliding glass door, too.
As far as dd goes...she's 18 now and gone to college which made this MUCH easier. Far fewer headaches when you don't have custody, support and visitation involved! We don't have a bank up here. So, I will just have the decree recorded until I can get one at my bank down in Boise. But that's a good idea, I should do that with all the important papers just in case...
Refinancing just is not possible with the age and condition this house is in right now. No bank would touch it when we bought it and after the whole banking fiasco...well, there's no point in even asking. The previous owners are carrying the contract and they are fully aware of what's going on. I have continued paying the mortgage so it wouldn't default. So, they're fine with everything.
Once I get a foundation under the house and repair the sagging, rotting floors that are actually sitting on the ground, I might be able to refi. But, I'm not sure I even want to. If I can do all repairs out of pocket as I have the money and the house will be paid for in 11 years...I'm not so sure I want to mess with that. But, I do want to leave my daughter a good sound house that isn't going to implode at some point after she inherits it!
Thanks for all the advice, Cindy. I'll be sure to chat with my neighbors, too. Although, I'm sure that once they see me moving back in (and I'm positive that they will), they'll downright panic if they see him back on the property. But I'll let them know for sure, anyway.
Farmgirl Sister #35
"If you can not do great things, do small things in a great way." Napoleon Hill (1883-1970)
my blog:
http://lisamariesbasketry.blogspot.com/
[size=1]My apron website:
http://lisamariesaprons.bravehost.com [size=1] |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
Posted - Feb 12 2009 : 07:44:26 AM
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Chatting with you last night, Lisa was so nice! I can't wait till summer for you because hopefully by that time this will all be months and months behind you and you will be in the full swing of doing the things you need to do with the house and enjoying life! *hugs*
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.awarmheart.com
Please come visit Nora and me on our blog: www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
Put your pin on the farmgirl map! www.farmgirlmap.blogspot.com |
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5 acre Farmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
1007 Posts
~~~*Terri*~~~
WA.
USA
1007 Posts |
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Miss Bee Haven
True Blue Farmgirl
4331 Posts
Janice
Louisville/Irvington
Kentucky
USA
4331 Posts |
Posted - Feb 12 2009 : 12:43:33 PM
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Do post pics and keep a record of your progress, Lisa. Anne's right about not getting overwhelmed and going room by room. I've found that sometimes, well meaning friends/family will disparage our old farmhouse because it is a large project. But I'm the tortoise. Slow and steady will get me there. The work has been rewarding and empowering like nothing else. And it's given a deeper meaning to the word 'shelter'. We're all here to cheer you on and help you however we can.
Farmgirl Sister #50
"If you think you've got it nailed down, then what's all that around it?"
'Br.Dave Gardner' |
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lisamarie508
True Blue Farmgirl
2648 Posts
Lisa
Idaho City
ID
USA
2648 Posts |
Posted - Feb 12 2009 : 7:56:27 PM
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Alee, it was a great conversation that we had. I haven't talked that long on the phone in...forever! We'll have to do it again, sometime.
Terri and Janice, it sure is great to have such a huge crowd cheering me on. It really boosts the drive to get 'er done!
Farmgirl Sister #35
"If you can not do great things, do small things in a great way." Napoleon Hill (1883-1970)
my blog:
http://lisamariesbasketry.blogspot.com/
[size=1]My apron website:
http://lisamariesaprons.bravehost.com [size=1] |
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Family Matters: Whoa!!! He just slammed on the brakes |
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Whoa!!! He just slammed on the brakes
