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Family Matters:  Men and household chores  |
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jennym
True Blue Farmgirl
76 Posts
Jenny
Green Lane
PA
USA
76 Posts |
 Posted - Jan 22 2009 : 05:27:43 AM
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What does your husband pitch in with around the house? Here are the things that my husband does:
1.
Oops - that's a pretty short list!
Ok, sarcasm aside, I have a serious question. Over the past few years, we've visited a marriage counselor off and on at different times. At our last visit (last August) her advice to me was to either hire a maid (when I told her we couldn't afford one, she got real smart-alecky and said, "Oh honey, you can afford it if it'll make things better.") OR make our kids do the housework that my husband refuses to do.
I think that's showing my kids (3 boys) 2 things - that they don't have to "help" their wives when they grow up and get married, and that they can just make other people take care of their responsibilities.
Any thoughts?
And thanks! This has been driving me crazy! (And we haven't been back to the counselor since. All that he took away from that session was that she had given him permission to not do squat around the house, and that I should be ok with it.)
P.S. I wish so much that when she had suggested the maid, I would have turned to my husband and said, "What a great idea!" He would DIE! We truly can't afford one, but it would have been awesome to make him be the one to say no to the idea.
Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10 |
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simplyflowers
True Blue Farmgirl
489 Posts
Jamie
Locust Grove
Virginia
USA
489 Posts |
Posted - Jan 22 2009 : 05:58:45 AM
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Oh Sweet Jenny!!! There needs to be a balance in the home. There needs to be some effort from both ends. Now I can tell you that my husband does put in effort around the house. We both work full time jobs and both need to help with the house. Yes, the kids have their things to do too. That is teaching them that it is not a "man verses woman" thing....but rather a "clean verses dirty" thing. Dear sweet husband is not perfect about what he does....but he puts in the effort. And when he does something specifically for me that he things will make things easier...he is so proud of himself. The effort is there. I would not be happy if it were any other way.
I don't know your situation totally...but if it were me: I would ask hubby how he likes to live. Does it bother him when things are a stinky mess? [some people are not bothered by this i have discovered].. if he likes it clean, organized, and together....how does he expect it to get like that???? Just a thought...I hope I didn't speak to far out of turn here.
Hugs,
Jamie
"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work." -- Thomas Edison
Check out my blog!! http://bestcoupleintown.blogspot.com/ |
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Amie C.
True Blue Farmgirl
2099 Posts
Finger Lakes Region
NY
2099 Posts |
Posted - Jan 22 2009 : 06:07:11 AM
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The counselor sounds really annoying.
The only thing my husband takes care of around the house on his own without being asked is shoveling/snowblowing the driveway. Everything else I either have to do myself or cajole him into helping me with. It really bugged me for a long time, but in the last few months he's started at least picking up after himself and organizing his own things. That really makes me feel better. I don't mind doing housework as long as I can get to the house through his personal stuff!
I've also found that my husband won't commit to doing any household chore on a regular basis, but if I ask him out of the blue to help me with something (right now!) he's actually pretty likely to do it. I know "crisis management" is supposed to be a bad thing, but in this case it kinda works. If I present it as, "Well, I want to go out for a drive with you (or to the movie, or whatever) but there's this, this, and this that needs to get done first..."
I don't know if any of this applies to your husband too, but I hope you work out a solution. In our case, there isn't any deep seated philosophy of housework being "the woman's job". It's just a matter of both of us being busy and wanting to enjoy our time off.
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jennym
True Blue Farmgirl
76 Posts
Jenny
Green Lane
PA
USA
76 Posts |
Posted - Jan 22 2009 : 07:07:32 AM
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Thanks for the replies!
We've been married 20 years, and this has been an ongoing problem. If I ask him to help me with something, he will do it only if we're having company or something, but then you'd think he'd just finished a triatholon, honestly! I know that it stems from the fact that A) his mother did everything around the house and B) she babied him to death, which certainly hasn't made things any easier for me! He also gets very annoyed if I ask him to pitch in.
My kids do have chores, and I'm hoping to counteract the impression that he's giving of the notion that housework is for women. We have 3 boys, and I'm already mentally apologizing to their future wives for any chauvinistic attitudes they may have inherited from their dad despite my best attempts to negate that.....
Jamie - you asked how he likes to live. Several years ago, he came home from work and the house was a mess. He said to me, "If I did my job like you do yours, I would be fired."
GRRRRRRRRRRR! I will never forget that he said that to me. But the thing is, he hates when the house is messy, but not enough to help keep it clean. It just makes him mad that I'm not keeping it to his satisfaction.
And Amie - you are so right about the counselor. And the worst part is, he now thinks (because he said it to me) that "he is the way he is," and I just have to deal with it. She essentially gave him permission to have no responsibility around here. (She also said that he's very self-absorbed, but he doesn't agree with that!)
I'm curious as to what other wives/moms think about the idea of having the kids take up the husband's slack. Do you think that this is an acceptable solution? I think it's ridiculous (like I said, they do have their own chores) - they're our kids, not our servants. (I mean, seriously -get a maid or make the kids do it????!!!!!) And what is that teaching them? But, maybe someone has another point of view on it? I'm totally unobjective right now!
Thanks in advance. I'm in a bad place right now - it's taken me 20 years to get to the point where I am but I've finally had enough. The thing is, I just don't know what to do about that. The whole cleaning-house thing is just one facet of it. Anyway, thanks for letting me vent!
Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10 |
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simplyflowers
True Blue Farmgirl
489 Posts
Jamie
Locust Grove
Virginia
USA
489 Posts |
Posted - Jan 22 2009 : 07:24:39 AM
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OMG.....Vent anytime!!!! I do!! :) This is very serious I know, I feel that this situation is paining you deeply. And I'm sorry you are so upset.....
But I totally chuckled about the apologizing to the future wives thing.....I hope you are a successful negater.
{{{{Hugs}}}}
Jamie
"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work." -- Thomas Edison
Check out my blog!! http://bestcoupleintown.blogspot.com/ |
Edited by - simplyflowers on Jan 22 2009 07:25:20 AM |
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a rose
True Blue Farmgirl
443 Posts
Linda
Waterford
NY
USA
443 Posts |
Posted - Jan 22 2009 : 07:26:24 AM
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Since I have been ill he does everything. Yes he does it all. Never thought I would see the day
Remember me as a rose. |
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Suzan
True Blue Farmgirl
659 Posts
suzanne
duncannon
pa
USA
659 Posts |
Posted - Jan 22 2009 : 07:53:18 AM
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Jenny, Your husband sounds exactly like mine!! When we were first married I didn't work for the first 20 yrs so I felt like everything at home was my responsibility. When he wanted me to go to work I made the assumption (incorrectly) that he would help around the house...I don't know why I assumed that since he never had...I just finally had to come to grips with the fact that I couldn't do everything the way I always had, some things just had to give. Now I really don't care if it gets done or not and he knows better than to ever say anything! Of course the kids are gone now so there isn't so much to do...and I'd rather craft than clean anyday!
As far as the kids go, mine always had chores and had to do whatever else I asked of them. They were great at it, and I have to say, my boys have always been willing to do laundry, cook, clean, help with babies, etc. They've made great husbands and fathers! If only their father would take a page from their books... |
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jennym
True Blue Farmgirl
76 Posts
Jenny
Green Lane
PA
USA
76 Posts |
Posted - Jan 22 2009 : 07:58:44 AM
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Hee hee - thanks Jamie! It really does help to be able to "talk" about it with others!
Here's one more teeny vent - a couple of years ago I had surgery - nothing serious, just an ovarian cyst. It was an out-patient procedure, and that evening his mom brought dinner up for us. She had everything ready to go - she made soup, lasagna, salad, garlic bread, and applesauce. The soup and lasagna were still hot, so he didn't have to do anything. He plonked a piece of lasagna on a plate and a little applesauce in a bowl, and brought it out to me on the sofa. He couldn't be bothered to even ask if I wanted any of the other stuff -I didn't even know there was anything else until the next day when I was able to walk to the kitchen myself.
(Having said that.....Linda - I'm truly so glad that your husband has been so good to you. Knowing what you're dealing with, it kind of puts things in perspective for me. I hope that you are doing well, and know that you are in my prayers. I wish you all the best.)
Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10 |
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jennym
True Blue Farmgirl
76 Posts
Jenny
Green Lane
PA
USA
76 Posts |
Posted - Jan 22 2009 : 08:07:26 AM
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Suzanne - You don't know what a relief it is to me to hear that about your kids! It's really been something that's bothered me, because I know what an issue it's been in our marriage and I don't want it to be carried on to the next generation! Having said that, I think the biggest problem with it hasn't been just that he won't help, but that he would get so mad if things weren't perfect....that is, mad at me because I wasn't "doing my job."
Men!
Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10 |
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nut4fabric
True Blue Farmgirl
885 Posts
Kathy
Morgan Hill
CA
USA
885 Posts |
Posted - Jan 22 2009 : 5:10:14 PM
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Jenny I'm really sorry that you have to deal with this. My husband is an absolute dream, when we met I was a single working mom and he pitched right in even before we were married. Even did the grocery shopping by himself without me asking. 30 years later he is still at it and I have to say we share all the work around the house, I help him in the yard and he is no stranger to a dust rag. He wasn't raised this way his Dad is like your husband, can't even make himself a sandwich. Our kids had their share of chores and they didn't always do them willingly but they did get done. I would never has thought of asking them to pick up the slack if their dad didn't help, just doesn't seem fair. Hope you find a resolution.
Hugs, Kathy |
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lisamarie508
True Blue Farmgirl
2648 Posts
Lisa
Idaho City
ID
USA
2648 Posts |
Posted - Jan 22 2009 : 5:36:36 PM
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Well, in the beginning, he (my soon-to-be ex) would do anything and everything as needed without asking. Cooking, cleaning, waxing floors - you name it. Over the years, though, he quit doing pretty much everything and expected the kids to take up his slack. He would order them to help me with the cleaning and bringing in firewood, shoveling snow, etc. while he sat on his butt in front of the tv. He didn't dare gripe to me about any messes because my pat answer was always "if it bothers you then, YOU take care of it". The older the kids got, the more they realized that they and mom were doing EVERYTHING and they resented him for it. Of course, there was a lot more to his problems than just laziness. But it certainly added to the rift between him and his children. In hindsight, I should have nipped that whole thing in the bud. I'm afraid that by allowing it to continue only made it impossible to correct later and that is partly my own doing. I hate to say it, but I actually felt like he needed to be dealt with like a child. By allowing him to get away with bad behavior, he believed it was then ok to continue with it and fought me tooth and nail when I tried to rectify the problem later. I don't know if my 2 cents is of any help to you at all but I sure hope the two of you can work it out.
Farmgirl Sister #35
"If you can not do great things, do small things in a great way." Napoleon Hill (1883-1970)
my blog:
http://lisamariesbasketry.blogspot.com/
[size=1]My apron website:
http://lisamariesaprons.bravehost.com [size=1] |
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asnedecor
True Blue Farmgirl
1054 Posts
Anne
Portland
Or
USA
1054 Posts |
Posted - Jan 23 2009 : 07:00:31 AM
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Jenny -
My husband is not the best around the house. His mother did all of the house work when he was a kid so he never learned household chores. But over the years I have learned to "work the system" with him. He does do the dishes - rule is if I cook he does the dishes - that means washing them because we have no dishwasher. I have learned to let them sit too (which is hard) but we have a small kitchen and a few dishes get in the way real fast and if he wants to make coffee in the morning he has to do the dishes - this has worked. Also from time to time I go on strike. I don't cook, I don't clean and I do only my laundry and I am verbal about it. Then he starts to do his part again. I just continue to remind him that we are a team and since both of us work fulltime he has to pull his weight around the house. It can be tiring at times for me, but if I make enough noise about it and vocalize my disappointment he comes around.
Anne in Portland, OR
"Weeds are flowers too, once you get to know them" Eyeore from Winnie the Pooh
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babysmama
True Blue Farmgirl
931 Posts
Elizabeth
Iowa
931 Posts |
Posted - Jan 23 2009 : 10:29:39 AM
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I think your kids should have chores but not an excess of them. Growing up my dad would do the dishes sometimes and mow the yard and the rest was up to my mom and the kids.
That said, my husband does help out with a lot. He didn't when we were first married. After I had our first child I was tired and sore the first week. My hubby went in the kitchen and made himself lunch and said "I made myself lunch so you don't have to." Did he make ME lunch too? Nope. I could have thrown a shoe at him. Honestly, I think he just didn't get it. He wouldn't dare try that now or he really may get a shoe thrown at him! lol
He loads and unloads the dishwasher (and though the silverware drawer isn't tidy anymore and dishes aren't stacked the way I would like they are done), mows, takes out the garbage, dumps the compost bucket, walks the dog, helps clean up when I ask, and gives the older two kids their bath. I think he finally gets it.
Maybe if you can ask your husband what he would like to do around the house and he could have that one set job it would ease the strain. Take out the garbage, or fold towels. Once he got into a routine of doing that one thing he would move on to more and realize that he is helping out and you do appreciate it. I don't mean to sound demeaning or sexist but men are often like dogs...they just don't realize what is expected of them until it is pointed out and then they won't do it unless there is a reward. Once they start to get rewarded from their work (compliments, less nagging, or a wife with a little more "free" time, if you catch my drift) they will realize it is worth it to help out at home.
-Elizabeth |
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windypines
True Blue Farmgirl
4178 Posts
Michele
Bruce
Wisconsin
USA
4178 Posts |
Posted - Jan 23 2009 : 1:00:55 PM
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I don't know, but I don't think those words "men" and "household chores" gotogether real well. At least not in my house. It is more like pulling teeth!
Michele |
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janiee
True Blue Farmgirl
820 Posts
Janie
Shawnee
Oklahoma
USA
820 Posts |
Posted - Jan 23 2009 : 1:15:23 PM
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My husband is a dream - NOW - but he wasn't when we first got married. He expected me to work full time and take care of everything in the house! I did until I was transferred out to the warehouse (where I still am and loving it) and the older lady here asked me why I was so tired all the time and I started telling her how uneven everything was..her response was the compromise - if you cook, he cleans, if he cooks, you clean. At first he did not believe me but I stopped doing the dishes for 1 week (that is how long it took for him to change his mind!) and then he started helping on and off with the dishes but nothing else. It was not until he could not work outside the home anymore 5 years ago that he finally started helping with the other stuff. Now he sees how hard it has been on me and he really goes out of his way to help. He makes my breakfast in the morning and supper at night...does all the dishes, the laundry, vacuums, sweeps, mops, cleans bathrooms (but not windows) :)
Now for the big question...how long have we been married? 30 years next May. Men are sometimes very slow learners....:) but great once they "get it"!
hang in there sweetie and verbalize! Sometimes we get so ahead of ourselves in our heads that we forget the person we are talking to doesn't know what we are thinking...
hugs
janiee
farmgirl #390 |
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Celticheart
True Blue Farmgirl
811 Posts
Marcia
WA
USA
811 Posts |
Posted - Jan 23 2009 : 10:01:05 PM
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I honestly think that most of the time men are just oblivious...really. I do have a great story about the garbage at our house. My friend Sandy and I have talks about our husbands not taking out the garbage....ever. In fact none of the guys at my house were ever very good about it. I could set the bags right in front of the door they have to go out and they would pick it up and move it to the side. Anyway, when we lived in town the garbage truck always came on Wednesday morning around 6. It was really windy on our street and there were dogs that were out and would tip over cans, etc. So I always would get up at 5:30 on Wednesday mornings and take out the garbage because I really don't like to pick up nasty wet garbage that blows up and down the street. As a side note, the one good thing about the wind was that sometimes we would end up with entirely new cans and our old one would blow away.
Out of the blue one cold, dark Thursday morning my husband sat straight up in bed, looked at me and said "Quick! What time does the garbage truck come?" I didn't even answer him for a minute and then I said "Six o'clock.....yesterday." He gave me this really dumb look and asked "Since when does the garbage truck come on Wednesdays?" I said it started 20 years ago. I've never asked where he thought I was going all of those early mornings in the dark. When I told Sandy about it she just laughed and said it was a phase and would never last. He never forgot the garbage again.
"Nature always has the last laugh." Mrs. Greenthumbs
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
Posted - Jan 24 2009 : 09:26:29 AM
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Yep, had to train Scott. He could do basics for himself like mooshing all of his clothes into one load of laundry and burning all his food to a crisp to cook. One thing I do not do is clean up after someone else makes a mess. The exception is cooking, which 99.99% of the time, I do and he cleans up the kitchen. I refuse to especially clean up in the bathroom. Leaving your own bodily functions for someone else to clean up is grosse (Unless you are in diapers). I leave cleaning supplies right on the shelf and he now knows what to do. Otherwise, I use the other bathroom until it gets cleaned and I remind him often. Sorry, it sounds b****y, but it works.
Having less to worry about around the house means we can clean up TOGETHER if a short amount of time and since Scott tends to have a short attention span, this works. I do have to task him and carefully explain EXACTLY what needs to be done, but he gets it done.
I told him straight out when we were dating that I am not his Mama nor his maid, so get used to it. There was one point where his laundry sat for 2 weeks before he got the idea. : )
Heather
Yee-Haw, I am a cowgirl!!!
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kissmekate
True Blue Farmgirl
890 Posts
Kate
Delano
Minnesota
890 Posts |
Posted - Jan 24 2009 : 9:00:01 PM
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They definitely don't come out of the box trained do they?
When I was married, I was the same way as Heather. I worked full time too, and college PT.
After a few spats about it, he sucked it up and did whatever I told him to help out with.
He did the laundry and dishes.
I did the rest, including all sick/middle of the night baby related feedings, and care.
After we divorced many moons ago, I think his two subsequent wives silently thanked me for training him in.
On a lighter note, my Mom has babied my 38 year old brother all of these years. She has made him dinner, and did his laundry all this time.
Now that he has met "the one" (we hope) I think he is getting a crash course in laundry, cleaning and cooking, cuz' this girl seems very likely to tell him to get bent if he suggest her doing all the housework.
Don't miss out on a blessing, just because it isn't packaged the way you expected. ~MaryJo Copeland |
Edited by - kissmekate on Jan 24 2009 9:03:29 PM |
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4forMe
True Blue Farmgirl
166 Posts
Dawn
Easton
MD
166 Posts |
Posted - Jan 27 2009 : 03:59:27 AM
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My DH has required some training....we've been married 12 years. But, I have to admit, I've required some training on some things too...like patience.
I hope it all works out for you, I am getting from the original post, that this is more than just household chores that is bothering you. It sounds as if you don't feel valued or respected at all, perhaps he needs to work on respecting your feelings more than anything.
Sewing, knitting, gardening mom of 4. |
Edited by - 4forMe on Jan 27 2009 04:00:43 AM |
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AuntPammy
True Blue Farmgirl
488 Posts
Pamila
williamstown
wv
USA
488 Posts |
Posted - Jan 27 2009 : 04:14:22 AM
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My husband was the baby of the family and therefore when we first got married (25+ years ago) he did nothing!!!
Well a few years back he found out something...he actually likes to do laundry!!!yes, he does a couple of loads of laundry on the week-ends if he doesn't have to work. I stay home all the time now to take care of my mom, so I have loads of time to do the housework.But hubby looks for things to do now...weird huh???
I am lucky but I have also started something that I think is also important I have taught my children to cook, do laundry, and clean. I started this when they were young and the kiddos know how to do these things.I can remember my DH didn't have the foggiest idea of how to do laundry or cook. It wasn't his fault it was just that he had never had to do these things.
"Keep your face to the sunshine and you will never see the shadow." Helen Keller
www.auntpsalmostheaven.blogspot.com |
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asnedecor
True Blue Farmgirl
1054 Posts
Anne
Portland
Or
USA
1054 Posts |
Posted - Jan 27 2009 : 06:46:19 AM
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I am a strong believer in having the kids - both girls and boys - know how to do housework and yard work too. It doesn't hurt a girl to know how to mow the lawn or do minor repairs around the house. You never know she may end up marrying a guy who never learned to do those things.
Anne in Portland, OR
"Weeds are flowers too, once you get to know them" Eyeore from Winnie the Pooh
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jpbluesky
True Blue Farmgirl
6066 Posts
Jeannie
Florida
USA
6066 Posts |
Posted - Jan 27 2009 : 07:57:14 AM
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My hubby does all the ironing! In fact, sometimes, I wish he would stop doing so much - everytime I start something he steps in and takes over. Since I do not work full time anymore, I am willing to do my part by doing all of the interior house chores, and it has been a little hard for him to let go of doing some of them. However, I have never seen him clean a toilet! :)
Farmgirl Sister # 31
www.blueskyjeannie.blogspot.com
Psalm 51: 10-13 |
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shepherdgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
1008 Posts
Tracy
California
USA
1008 Posts |
Posted - Feb 03 2009 : 09:32:14 AM
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Oh Jenny, How I FEEL YOUR PAIN!!! (the one in the BACKSIDE too!!!) My husband and I met when I was 17 and he was 23. We got married less than a year later (and no, not because we HAD to!) At 23 you would think that he would have learned to do things for himself-- especially since he'd been on his own for 5yrs. But, lo and behold-- I found out, AFTER we were married, that it was his MOTHER who had cleaned his house and did his laundry all those years!!
There is so much I could say here, but it would fill up pages and pages and pages!! So, I'll just say that after nearly 20yrs of marriage I've learned to IGNORE my husband when he starts complaining about the house. He refuses to clean up after himself and is only getting WORSE as the years go by-- now he just blames it all on the KIDS! I told him that once they were gone he couldn't do that anymore. I suspect he'll just start blaming the DOGS next.... sigh..... it's going to be a LOOOOONG messy life for the two of us I fear. And he darn well better not blame ME or I'll staple his lips together while he's asleep! (LOL!!!!)
Oh, and I won't even MENTION my thoughts on the therapist. I was always told as a child-- "If you can't say something NICE about someone, don't say anything at all...." so I won't. Hang in there Jenny. Hopefully you will find a happy medium. (and NOT end up in Divorce court!)
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. ~~ George Carlin |
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electricdunce
True Blue Farmgirl
2544 Posts
Karin
Belmont
ME
USA
2544 Posts |
Posted - Feb 03 2009 : 1:54:01 PM
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My husband and I separated for a while after our daughter was born. Too long a story, but at one point when I mentioned going to counseling again , my husband said , sure and then when we got there he thought I just needed a ride, yes marriage counseling is great when there is only one person there! We were married for eight years when our daughter was born, two years later we moved back to Maine, bought a house, had another child, but my husband was not very helpful. He grew up in the "dysfunctional" family of all time. We got divorced when our son was five. I finally realized this man just didn;t want to hear anything I said if it wasn't what he wanted to hear.
He was a good father, really loved the kids, but I just couldn't tolerate living with someone who was so hard to communicate with. He died seven years ago after a long and harrowing battle with cancer. I miss him terribly, we did better as divorced friends. Life gets so complicated sometimesl,
I feel for you...
Karin
Farmgirl Sister #153
"Give me shelter from the storm" - Bob Dylan
http://moodranch.blogspot.com
http://domesticnonsense.etsy.com |
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electricdunce
True Blue Farmgirl
2544 Posts
Karin
Belmont
ME
USA
2544 Posts |
Posted - Feb 03 2009 : 1:56:52 PM
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Whoops, I forgot to mention about how he felt about my making quilts - he said to me why do you waste your time making quilts, we don't need any more effing quilts. I tried to explain to him that my handwork is what keeps me sane. I think that was the beginning of the end.
Farmgirl Sister #153
"Give me shelter from the storm" - Bob Dylan
http://moodranch.blogspot.com
http://domesticnonsense.etsy.com |
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kristin sherrill
True Blue Farmgirl
11303 Posts
kristin
chickamauga
ga
USA
11303 Posts |
Posted - Feb 03 2009 : 8:11:50 PM
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I just saw this and thought I'd jump on in with my two cents worth. When the counselor suggested getting a housekeeper you should have jumped on that one. I would have. Get that maid and make sure he's there to pay up and after a few weeks of that maybe he'll get it. Or maybe not. It would free up your day, though. Anyway, just a wild thought.
Good luck. Kris
Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you. Maori proverb |
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Family Matters: Men and household chores |
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Men and household chores
