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Family Matters:  How should I feel?  |
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babysmama
True Blue Farmgirl
931 Posts
Elizabeth
Iowa
931 Posts |
 Posted - Dec 27 2008 : 1:07:23 PM
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Let me give you some info first. I am 26 years old and have three children ages 5, 3 and 7 months. I am the oldest girl in a family of eight children (1 older brother). My mom has four children still at home boy-15, girl-12, girl-8, and girl-5. She recently moved right down the street. Before she moved she kept saying how she couldn't wait to be closer to be able to help me with the children, etc. Well, I recently got a small part-time job which is just one day a week for about four to five hours. I've asked her a few times to watch the kids for just a few hours and she either says it isn't a good day or does watch them but says a few things that make me feel guilty. Then it comes down to "Well, you can watch your sister (the five year old) one day and I will watch the other three one day" but then she makes me feel guilty all over again with "It's harder to watch three then one, especially since one of yours is a baby". Then she makes me feel guilty by saying her eight year old causes trouble because she always interups the five year olds playing and causes strife. The eight year old doesn't listen when my mom tells her to leave the five years olds alone and not to bother them. So now it has come down to she pretty much expects me to watch my five year old sister in return for watching my three kids but continues to complain how hard it is to watch my kids since she has kids of her own and they don't always get along with one another. I wrote her a long e-mail today but her response pretty much confirms that she wishes it was easier to watch my kids but due to her own (especially the eight year old who can be a total brat) it is hard and she can't watch them as much as I ask. I have asked my twelve year old sister to babysit and she has a couple times but then she said it is too hard (two hours a week!) and doesn't want to.
So tell me, am I being selfish to think that it should be different to watch your own grandchildren then your sister? I grew up with siblings and watched them a lot and I STILL have to in order to have my mom watch my kids? It's the same? Is it wrong of me to have asked my mom to watch my three kids for two hours a week? My kids are well behaved, it is her children that are causing her trouble when my kids are there. It has come down to the fact that I do not want to ask her to watch my kids because I always feel so guilty for doing so. And I rarely have asked her to watch them, before this she would watch them once or twice a year for an hour or two while my husband and I would go out for our anniversary or twice when I was in labor and having a baby. I am feeling so stressed out and don't know if I am in the wrong...should it be a 1 for 1 thing or should a grandmother be expected to watch her grandchildren without expecting babysitting for her daughter in return? I don't have anyone else to ask to babysit so my husband is going to have to rearrange his whole work schedule in order for me to be able to continue with this job. I feel like I am being taken advantage of because my mom has two older kids in her house who can babysit her kids (like I did when I lived at home) but she rarely makes them do anything (no housework, nothing).
-Elizabeth |
Edited by - babysmama on Dec 27 2008 1:10:55 PM |
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kristin sherrill
True Blue Farmgirl
11303 Posts
kristin
chickamauga
ga
USA
11303 Posts |
Posted - Dec 27 2008 : 2:12:24 PM
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I am so sorry you're going through this with your mother. This is a tough one. I really do not know what to tell you. I know someone who goes through the same thing with her DD. It's never an easy answer. It sounds like you have a good husband who is willing to change his schedule to make it work for you. Just do that for awhile and see what your mother does.
I hope things work out for you. Kris
Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you. Maori proverb |
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Beverley
True Blue Farmgirl
2707 Posts
Beverley
atlanta
Michigan
USA
2707 Posts |
Posted - Dec 27 2008 : 3:54:21 PM
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Elizabeth,
I understand where you are coming from and I understand your pain but, you really can't expect anyone to watch your kids except your husband cause they are his also and then he is not watching his kids he is doing what he should be doing. Sorry to say honey that just because people are family they can not be expected to do this. If they don't mind that is a different matter. With your mom being a grandmother and a mother at the same time this puts her and you in a bad spot. She is older than you and probably tires out faster than you do cause she is older. That is just a fact of life. Try not to be to hard on her. If your husband can rearrange his schedule and take care of the kids , then it should all work out for you... I wish you the best and it sounds like you are doing a great job with your kids since they are the well behaved ones. It just sounds like your mom is tired and worn out and does not have the energy she once had to deal with her own let alone some more. She probably would really like to help deep down in her heart but just isn't as young as she once was and can't keep up.
Folks will know how large your soul is by the way you treat a dog....Charles F. Doran
beverley baggett Beverley with an extra E...
http://bevsdoggies.googlepages.com/ |
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babysmama
True Blue Farmgirl
931 Posts
Elizabeth
Iowa
931 Posts |
Posted - Dec 27 2008 : 5:22:51 PM
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Thanks for the replies, I truly understand both points of views but sometimes get jealous because others my age are able to drop off their children at their parent's house whenever they choose and are able to get a break.
My husband is going to talk to his boss and try to arrange everything so that we don't need to ask someone else. I think I needed to hear what you said Bev about them not having to watch the kids unless they want to. Somewhere it was stuck in my head that it is a grandparents job to watch the grandkids. I just wish I had more of a support system around here but my kids are MY responsibilty. Thanks for shaking some sense into my head you two!
-Elizabeth |
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momshopsalotta
True Blue Farmgirl
232 Posts
Connie
Hertford
NC
USA
232 Posts |
Posted - Dec 27 2008 : 5:44:35 PM
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| I believe that you have to let your mom finish being a mother before she can feel the joy of being a grandmother. When her children are out of the house and she finally has her nest empty she could very well turn out to be granny of the year, unfortuately by then your children will be almost grown. But untill then,don't expect anything and you won't be dissapointed. You are awfully young to have so much responsibility and seem to be handling it well but I truly hope that grandma is done..enough already, she seems overwhelmed!! |
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Beverley
True Blue Farmgirl
2707 Posts
Beverley
atlanta
Michigan
USA
2707 Posts |
Posted - Dec 27 2008 : 6:50:54 PM
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well my mom told me right out that she raised her kids and did not want to raise anymore. and she had been a great mom to me so it hurt my feelings when she said it but now that I am a grandmother myself I understand what she meant. I was her youngest and she was just not the energetic woman she was when I was growing up. and I love my grandchildren but I don't have the energy either sometimes. So like I said even though we would love to help out more some of us are just plum tuckered out so don't be too hard on her or yourself. Cause I do understand where you are sitting too. I was there myself one time too. and I was a single mom for 7 years of my kids upbringing and I would not want to do that over again for anything. right now I would not have the strength to do that again!!! So try and find some younger woman that maybe you can swap babysitting with and that might work out better. Do you have a church you go too? sometimes there are people there that would love to help out for a few hours that maybe live way far from their own family and would love to be around well behaved young ones again. You could check there. Maybe some one else has some ideas too? And you can always vent here. Talking about things does help even if it doesn't help the exact situation it does help to talk about it. you can always email me privately and vent anytime you like. Keep your chin up it does get better!!! Be thankful your husband is willing to try and help out too, that is a very big plus for him. I give him a lot of credit for even trying that... prayer helps and just setting a little time away each day maybe after the kids go to bed to have a half an hour to yourself is a big help too. It helps the stress of everyday life. Hope everything goes better for you from now on.
Folks will know how large your soul is by the way you treat a dog....Charles F. Doran
beverley baggett Beverley with an extra E...
http://bevsdoggies.googlepages.com/ |
Edited by - Beverley on Dec 27 2008 6:54:10 PM |
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babysmama
True Blue Farmgirl
931 Posts
Elizabeth
Iowa
931 Posts |
Posted - Dec 27 2008 : 8:24:57 PM
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Thanks, thanks, thanks! The past few months have been very trying and stressful and I think I've just come to a breaking point. Your ideas really make me think Beverly and I'm going to make some changes in the house. One thing is that I've been so tired that I go to bed when the kids go to bed and wake up when they wake up so I have had zero me time, alone without kids. I'm going to set an earlier bed time for the kids and then carve out some me time, even if it is just half an hour. And try to spend more time with hubby because our relationship has been seriously neglected lately.
I think somehow I got it stuck in my head that it is a grandparent's responsibilty to babysit their grandkids, probably since everyone else I know has that help. But everyone is right, my own mother is streched to the limit with her own children that how can I expect to add my own to her already full house. I also realize that just because she asks me to watch my younger sister doesn't mean I have to say yes every time, that isn't my responsibilty. I will say yes when I can but I shouldn't feel guilt when I can't or don't want to, especially since she has two teenagers that can, and should, help out more. I don't know any mothers my own age that I can trade babysitting with. I do go to church but only know one or two families there and it is just more of a "Hi, how are you?" type of relationship, not a friendship. I have been thinking about switching churches and getting more involved so that is something I can consider.
I do appreciate my husband willing to try to switch his schedule around to help out. He also gives me alone time to take a bath and often watches the older two kids while I put the baby asleep upstairs and watch a show on television. So I can't even imagine how difficult things would be if I was a single mother or didn't have such a supportive hubby. Thanks for listening to be babble and I want to let everyone know that sometimes when I don't know where to turn I know I can count on the farmgirls to understand or at least try to.
-Elizabeth |
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shepherdgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
1008 Posts
Tracy
California
USA
1008 Posts |
Posted - Dec 28 2008 : 10:44:54 PM
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Oh Elizabeth, how I feel your pain! My mother had TWO sets of kids-- me and my older sister (2 1/2yrs apart) and my two younger brothers (one 11yrs younger than me, the other 18yrs younger and only 8mos older than MY oldest son!) I cared for my OLDER little brother all the time before I finally left home for GOOD and started my own family, so I understand THAT aspect of your complaint as well. (my older sister ran away from home at 16 and wasn't very responsible ANYWAY, so the burden of taking care of our beastly little brother fell to ME!)
I RARELY asked my mother to watch my kids when they were young. Even when I worked full time. I paid a WONDERFUL sitter, though it was hardly worth me even working after paying her, my gas (I worked in another town 20+ miles away 5 days a week), wear and tear on my car, etc.... MY husband was NOT supportive at all. He worked 7 days a week and had a serious drinking problem (but no longer thank GOD!!) -- so I didn't even TRUST him to "watch" our children even occasionally. It was a VERY tough situation, but I made it through. (My mother passed away when my youngest brother was only 7, so she wasn't there to ask ANYWAY when the kids were still young)
Thank your lucky stars that you have a man in your life that is willing to take up the responsibility, and play the role that a husband and father is SUPPOSED to take!!! You should NOT feel guilty about having him watch his OWN children! After all, he was there in the making of them, he should ALSO be there in the RAISING of them!
As for watching grandkids-- well Bev, I feel like your mom does-- I've "SERVED MY TIME" too-- took care of my little brother for years, raised my own kids, and NO WAY am I going to raise my grandkids! (and I don't babysit anybody ELSE'S kids either!) I've already made that VERY clear to my boys that when they start having kids of their own, they darn well better be prepared to raise them for the long haul-- and they better make sure that the woman they choose to have those kids with is going to be a GOOD wife and mother!!!! I've already been praying about those women my sons will marry, so hopefully God will keep their eyes, hearts and minds open to the RIGHT ones!!! ~~~ Tracy
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. ~~ George Carlin |
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Family Matters: How should I feel? |
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How should I feel?
