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Family Matters:  Need Some Advice.....  |
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dkelewae
True Blue Farmgirl
1310 Posts
Diana
Saint Peters
MO
USA
1310 Posts |
 Posted - Dec 23 2008 : 07:48:52 AM
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First of all, here is the background. Hubby's late mother's birthday is today (12/23). She passed away April 1993 of cancer.
His mom loved Christmas very much and looked forward to it every year.
Every year I always make sure that he has flowers for her grave on Mother's Day and of course her birthday/Christmas. This year I even made an arrangement with poinsettias, gold pine cones, greens, and attached small ornaments, etc.
I realize how much hubby loved his mom, and how much he misses her, but every year from Thanksgiving until after New Years he is moody, foul tempered, etc. and I end up walking on eggshells as to not 'set him off'. I really do try to be compassionate, loving, and understanding, but sometimes it's really hard when I'm getting my head bitten off for no reason.
There have been several years where he virtually ruined Christmas for our family because of his foul mood, or because he refused to attend the family Christmas gathering.
I dearly love Christmas and spending time with family and friends, but he makes me almost feel guilty because I do.
I'm at wit's end as to what to do, and would appreciate any suggestions.
Diana
Farmgirl Sister #272
St. Peters MO
Country Girl trapped in the city!
http://farmgirldreams.blogspot.com/ |
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ruralfarmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
4309 Posts
Rene'
Prosser
WA
USA
4309 Posts |
Posted - Dec 23 2008 : 07:56:10 AM
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Diana,
Have you sat and talked it through with him? It seems to me that he isnt honoring the memory of his mom when he acts that way; If she loved Christmas, and family then she would want that to be the footprint of her memory, not his moodiness. Sometimes we just get in a rut with our emotions that we have to "fake" our way out of until it becomes real. He needs to pull himself up by the bootstraps and move on... and he may need you to help him. I love that you are honoring his mom.... he is blessed!
Rene~Prosser Farmgirl #185
http://farmchicksfarm.blogspot.com/
Circumstances made us FRIENDS; MaryJane's has made us SISTERS :) |
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
Posted - Dec 23 2008 : 08:04:46 AM
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I'm with Rene on this one...unfortunately, he's making this season about himself--and while it's very sad to lose someone (we all have, my favorite Great Aunt died this day, 5 years ago, in fact) I can choose to remember her in the way she would appreciate, instead of blaming everyone that she is gone. Men are different, though, and coming to terms with emotions is somehow very challenging for them. I would let him know that exactly what you've said, how much you care about his mother's memory and her passing, and that he's not honoring her the way he should...and then go on about your holiday business. If he wants to stay home and brood, let him, but I can almost guarantee that when the train leaves the station, he'll want to be on it. At this point, you're almost coddling him, and perpetuating the behavior.
Good luck--holidays seem to bring some folks down--don't let it happen for you :) |
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dkelewae
True Blue Farmgirl
1310 Posts
Diana
Saint Peters
MO
USA
1310 Posts |
Posted - Dec 23 2008 : 08:08:04 AM
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Yes I have tried sitting down and talking with him...about how his mom loved Christmas and that she wouldn't want him to be sad,sullen, or angry during the holiday season, and that it would break her heart to know that she caused him any pain or sadness, especially this time of year. He'll agree with me, but then continues his mood every year anyway. I've even tried discussing it with him when it wasn't close to the holiday season.
His mom passed away before I ever got to meet her, but hubby says she would have loved me because I love Christmas, doing crafts,cooking,gardening and the like. I really wish I could have gotten to know her.
Diana
Farmgirl Sister #272
St. Peters MO
Country Girl trapped in the city!
http://farmgirldreams.blogspot.com/ |
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dkelewae
True Blue Farmgirl
1310 Posts
Diana
Saint Peters
MO
USA
1310 Posts |
Posted - Dec 23 2008 : 08:12:58 AM
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Oh I don't coddle him anymore! I go on to the family gatherings even if he chooses not to. So, he's had several years of being the only attendee at his pity party. The first year I went ahead without him I paid heck for it, but I basically told him that I refuse to let him ruin any more of my Christmas holidays.
Diana
Farmgirl Sister #272
St. Peters MO
Country Girl trapped in the city!
http://farmgirldreams.blogspot.com/ |
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
Posted - Dec 23 2008 : 08:19:49 AM
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Glad to know it! My husband is similar, though his "demons" are from a childhood spent at a boys home, and resenting his family. He used to go, then act badly while we were there...so I just started going without him. Now, he goes, and seems to actually enjoy it.
I guess keep on, keepin on, then, Diana. Wishing you much joy--it does sound like his mother would have loved you. That's a compliment, for sure, even if it hurts him. |
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vermont v
True Blue Farmgirl
194 Posts
Victoria
Chester
Vermont
USA
194 Posts |
Posted - Dec 23 2008 : 08:20:12 AM
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This may sound crazy , but ask your husband to write down something everyday that he loved about his mother. Maybe this would help him remember the good times and her beautiful spirit. Otherwise, just tell him you are going to enjoy your Christmas and that you are not going to feed into the moodiness and unhappiness. Everyone has lost and will lose someone; hopefully he can heal soon! |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
Posted - Dec 23 2008 : 08:23:39 AM
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It sounds like you are doing the right thing- going on with your holiday and not attending his pity party.
My husband gets moody around the holidays as well and when he starts being a jerk, I tell him "I don't deserve that (tone/ attitude/ whathaveyou) and I don't appreciate it." I learned a few years ago to just say it nicely and matter of factly. I don't try to make him feel guilty about his bad behavior (even though he should) and slowly (very slowly) he has started pulling himself up short and giving himself an attitude check when I say that. The first few times you say it, it might seem to make things worse, but overtime that has been working for us.
I hope your husband starts progressing forward on his path. It sounds like he has been "stuck" for a long time.
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.awarmheart.com
Please come visit Nora and me on our blog: www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
Put your pin on the farmgirl map! www.farmgirlmap.blogspot.com |
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gramadinah
True Blue Farmgirl
3557 Posts
Diana
Orofino
ID
USA
3557 Posts |
Posted - Dec 23 2008 : 08:37:31 AM
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Ok so her is my story I too lost my Mom at the holidays and so I would get in a awful mood and would ruin everything for my family. Until one year we had to go to Hawaii for 3 weeks and the bad temper sullen mood was not to be found. After it was all said and done I figured I have the Seasonial Attitude Disorder or SAD I have to have full spectrum lights and go tanning once a week. If I find myself getting sullen and cry at the drop of the hat I get under the lights more. There are even intense lighting systms that are out there but so far I have not needed to go there. We also found that the whole family was responding better to the light too.
Just a thought to mourn the loss of a loved one is natural this thing This just sneeks up on you and you feel awful and you really don't know why. So when I here of people very sad in the middle of winter I suggest the lights.
I always look foward to the 22 of Dec as it is when we start gaing daylight again.
Diana
Farmgirl Sister #273 |
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dkelewae
True Blue Farmgirl
1310 Posts
Diana
Saint Peters
MO
USA
1310 Posts |
Posted - Dec 23 2008 : 09:17:00 AM
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Diana-I got him a full spectrum light 3 yrs ago, and as soon as the days get shorter I start reminding him to use it. It really helps, with the exception of the holiday season.
I know it's natural and normal to mourn the loss of a loved one, I lost my beloved grandma in 1993 and I still miss her. We spent a lot of time together and were more like best friends than grandma/granddaughter. We'd go shopping, out to eat, local bingo games(which she loved doing), and I'd take her to her doctor appointments and the grocery store. We'd be on the phone every day with each other, and she loved sending me little letters and cards in the mail....just because.
I understand that everyone grieves differently, but I don't think that it should give my hubby license to be hateful for 15 years running.
Diana
Farmgirl Sister #272
St. Peters MO
Country Girl trapped in the city!
http://farmgirldreams.blogspot.com/ |
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peachy
True Blue Farmgirl
593 Posts
Melissa
Fennville
MI
USA
593 Posts |
Posted - Dec 23 2008 : 09:32:26 AM
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Diana, first I want to say I'm so sorry! I have a friend who's husband just doesn't like the holidays in general (friends, family/get togethers) and I see how hard it is for her and can imagine what you're going through. Second, we lost my grandma to cancer right before the Christmas and this woman was the "queen" of Christmas for sure! She had 4 boys (my dad and my 3 uncles) plus their kids etc. etc. - one thing that I shared with my grandma was a love of cooking and baking so now every year I make my dad and uncles their favorite treat that grandma made every Christmas - it's now a new tradition and we still remember all the memories! I just thought I'd share that with you, maybe there's something your hubby remembers about his mom - a tradition or something that you could incorporate alittle into your family Christmas??? Just a thought...I do hope you have a wonderful Christmas!!!
Melissa
Farmgirl Sister #360
Life isn't about waiting for the storms to pass...it's about learning to dance in the rain! |
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
Posted - Dec 23 2008 : 09:39:42 AM
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Diana, I am so sorry for your problems. My dad is the constant grump in the family and ruined or ruins every outing that comes around. It got to a point growing up that we were never invited anywhere. He lost his Dad in 2004 and since then, he has become miserable to even live with. Life was about his father and when he died, he had no life of his own. It is getting worse and he has made my Mom's life miserable. I don't know what the solution is but maybe this will help you live you life with more gusto, love and verve. You can't fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed and wasting your own energy on someone will, in the long run, drain you. It is hard, but put your foot down about this. There is so much in life to be grateful and you cannot bring back the past. Traditions are a good idea too. (((HUGS)))
Heather
Yee-Haw, I am a cowgirl!!!
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La Patite Ferme
True Blue Farmgirl
623 Posts
Jenn
CA
USA
623 Posts |
Posted - Dec 23 2008 : 4:38:14 PM
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It almost sounds like he's feeling guilty about enjoying the season in which his mother passed, so he subconscienciously sabotages any pleasure. I ditto the conversation idea, but would also suggest that you come to him with suggestions on how you, he and family can honor and cherish the memory of his mom. Show him that felling joy and laughing and remembering how "mom" loved and celebrated the season is a better memorial to her than being moody and ruining everyone elses holiday.
Best of luck. |
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dkelewae
True Blue Farmgirl
1310 Posts
Diana
Saint Peters
MO
USA
1310 Posts |
Posted - Dec 23 2008 : 8:41:57 PM
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She didn't pass away during the holiday season, but her birthday was Dec 23rd. She passed away in April of 1993. I cpuld see him getting the blues in April, but he doesn't...it's always during the holiday season when he gets so sullen.
Diana
Farmgirl Sister #272
St. Peters MO
Country Girl trapped in the city!
http://farmgirldreams.blogspot.com/ |
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shepherdgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
1008 Posts
Tracy
California
USA
1008 Posts |
Posted - Dec 28 2008 : 11:19:43 PM
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This is a tough one, but, like some of the ladies said-- if HE chooses to be a grump, there's not a whole lot ANYONE can do about it. My husband was not big on "Family get-togethers" either -- especially with MY family because they were so different from his. His family is rather quiet and subdued-- my family was the exact polar OPPOSITE!!! They were loud, obnoxious, quarelsome etc.... but boy did they know how to have a GOOD time! (and they LOVED to gamble!!) But they were good, hard working people with a lot of passion for life and living.
Most of them are gone now-- my mom, who was always at the center of the festivities, grandma (who was my buddy too Diana), all my uncles etc..... the cousins and remaining aunts and uncles have scattered to the four winds, so it's just my 3 siblings and me to carry on those old traditions -- AND the loud parties! (and believe it or not, Alcohol is RARELY a factor!) Older sis is a Kareoke Dj and brings all her equipment to our annual Easter party. What fun! My husband HATES it!!!! When he gets all pouty like that, I just ignore him. Like the other ladies said too, there is NO excuse for his bad behavior, not after so many years. Perhaps there is something more troubling him at that time, maybe even something HE can't even explain? In the meantime, I'd just keep on having a good time yourself and let him throw his own party! (poor-poor-PITIFUL HIM!!!) ~~~ Hugs ~~~ Tracy
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. ~~ George Carlin |
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Family Matters: Need Some Advice..... |
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Need Some Advice.....
