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Family Matters:  I feel so bad....  |
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mikesgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
3659 Posts
Sherri
Elma
WA
USA
3659 Posts |
 Posted - Dec 11 2008 : 11:45:05 AM
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I don't know who else to talk to about this so here goes. My oldest daughter had talked to me about Christmas a month or so ago and told me we were invited to come up as they want to stay home on Christmas - as it has been every year since she had children. I said "sounds good" or some such thing. My son and his wife and said last year they would go one more year (last year), but that was the last time for awhile because it is a long trip and they thought it was oldest daughters turn to travel for a change so I assumed they would not go this year. Well, a couple of weeks ago, my dil asked if they could come to our house for christmas, and not thinking, I said sure. Well, when I realized what I had done, we tried to find a solution, as younger son is traveling from Wyoming for christmas and wants to see all of his sibs. My husband called my oldest daughter last night and left a message (she never answers her phone) asking if we could come up for a couple of hours the day after Christmas as the other kids wanted to come here (much closer) on Christmas day. Today I received a curt e-mail from her saying sorry they wouldn't see us on christmas - they were busy the day after and she was confused because when she talked to her brother a couple of weeks ago it was her understanding that everyone was going to her house. Well, our son has since become out of work, doesn't qualify for unemployment because hes self employed and has no gas money to travel for Christmas - probably not even to our house. My oldest daughter won't answer my apologetic e-mail - attempting to explain the miscommuinication and work out a new solution and I am heartbroken. I feel so bad, like I let her down and my grandkids and Christmas is going to be ruined for our family. I'm just beside myself today, crying and pacing back and forth and I don't know what I can do to fix this mess. I know it's my fault but I didn't mean any harm. I would love to go to our daughters but I was also thinking of our son and his wife who doesn't have any family on the west coast at all. What can I do to make this better?
Farmgirl Sister #98
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Jami
True Blue Farmgirl
1238 Posts
Jami
Ellensburg
WA
USA
1238 Posts |
Posted - Dec 11 2008 : 12:15:19 PM
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Hmmmm...crawl in a hole until December 26th? No, guess that's not an option. Nothing like being in between a rock and a hard place with family matters.
I think you did try to do something to make it better, but if your daughter won't respond, what more is there? Well, you could try calling again. And send another email and tell her it's important to you to fit everyone into this special day and you don't want to miss out on any of it.
Feel for you, kiddo. Hugs.
Jami in WA
Farmgirl Sister #266
http://woolyinwashington.wordpress.com/
http://farmhouseflair.etsy.com |
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
Posted - Dec 11 2008 : 12:29:01 PM
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| Sounds like a misunderstanding that has gotten totally out of hand...on one hand, I can see that this feels terrible...but on the other hand, I bet your son that has NO way of celebrating Christmas because of the loss of work feels much worse. I am sorry that your daughter is making you feel guilty--that's certainly not with the holiday spirit. It's a tough year for everyone, and it's nearly impossible to make one person, let alone several people happy. I suggest you try leaving a message for your daughter, explaining again that it's a misunderstanding, and hope that she comes around. I certainly wouldn't grovel--mistakes are easily mended, and life is much too short to make our loved ones feel terrible. |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
Posted - Dec 11 2008 : 12:29:11 PM
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Sherri- that is a tough place to be in- especially since no one is flush with money for traveling this year. Maybe you could call her and the grandkids on Christmas and then visit for New Years. *hugs* If not hopefully she will forgive and things will be better soon.
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.awarmheart.com
Please come visit Nora and me on our blog: www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
Put your pin on the farmgirl map! www.farmgirlmap.blogspot.com |
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mikesgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
3659 Posts
Sherri
Elma
WA
USA
3659 Posts |
Posted - Dec 11 2008 : 12:44:34 PM
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My oldest daughter and I have a complicated relationship. She has always made me feel really guilty - about everything. I would call her, but she won't answer. That's not because of this - she always screens her calls. When my husband called and left the message last night, she never returned his call either. She's a very busy person - she has a demanding career and three little boys, but she really doesn't leave any room in her life for us. I thought things were getting a little better, but this has sent us back to "minus square one". If we want to visit, we have to make an "appointment" - sometimes a couple of months ahead. She has our only grandchildren so I want to maintain a good relationship for their sake. I thought things were getting better, but I really blew it. I talked to the other kids and they said " do what you want Mom - if you want to go up there, go - we'll be fine" so I e-mailed her and asked if the invitation was still open but got no response. How would you take this then? Would you think we should go, or take her non-response to mean to not go? I just can't read her mind and I don't understand, but she won't talk to me so I don't know what to do!
Farmgirl Sister #98
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Jami
True Blue Farmgirl
1238 Posts
Jami
Ellensburg
WA
USA
1238 Posts |
Posted - Dec 11 2008 : 1:29:33 PM
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Well, Sherri, I guess if it were me...but take this with a grain of salt...I would take a lack of response as a "no" answer. Of course you know your daughter so maybe she's just taking time to think or pout or whatever? You know, once you gave your heartfelt apology over your mistake, then the responsibility lays with her to forgive and forget and MOVE ON, ya know? If she can't bother to respond and just wants to feel mad and make you feel bad even though you've apologized, then the problem is not you nor your mistake but it is with her. I know that might be hard to hear especially when it's concerning your daughter, but that's how I see it.
Can you "make up" to your grand kids in case mother doesn't respond and take them on an outing or something on a day besides Christmas? I'm sure they would enjoy the time with you no matter what day it is.
Jami in WA
Farmgirl Sister #266
http://woolyinwashington.wordpress.com/
http://farmhouseflair.etsy.com |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
Posted - Dec 11 2008 : 1:32:38 PM
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Also Sherri, I wouldn't beat yourself up too hard! Circumstances changed between when you talked with her and when you son called. She- for her own sake- needs to learn to be more flexible. Family is important and at some point she needs to be putting effort into the relationship as well. *hugs*
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.awarmheart.com
Please come visit Nora and me on our blog: www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
Put your pin on the farmgirl map! www.farmgirlmap.blogspot.com |
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dutchy
True Blue Farmgirl
4427 Posts
4427 Posts |
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mikesgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
3659 Posts
Sherri
Elma
WA
USA
3659 Posts |
Posted - Dec 11 2008 : 1:48:56 PM
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thanks all - it helps a lot to hear what you all have to say. I just talked to my youngest son a minute go and he thinks he can't come home from Wyoming for the holidays now because he just had truck repairs that were over $1000, so it must be the day for bad Christmas news! Boy this economy is really hitting us hard all at once - both sons and dh out of work at once - plus I am having to pay an extra $510 a month for my mom's care AND she fell out of bed yesterday and banged up her nose and cheek! I thought bad news was only supposed to come in 3s, I think I'm hitting 5 for the past two days!! Anyway, I feel better - no solutions, but I feel better. Thanks again for your shoulder and input!
Farmgirl Sister #98
Check out my new online store
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
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Jami
True Blue Farmgirl
1238 Posts
Jami
Ellensburg
WA
USA
1238 Posts |
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mikesgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
3659 Posts
Sherri
Elma
WA
USA
3659 Posts |
Posted - Dec 11 2008 : 2:27:32 PM
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Thanks! Cody has friends in Jackson but I'm not sure what he'll do for the holidays if he can't come home. He's trying to drum up some side work to pay for his truck, so he may do that. I wish you were closer too - it'd make me feel so good to know he was spending Christmas with a Sister! We'll all get through this rotten economic time - we just have to stick together and support each other.
Farmgirl Sister #98
Check out my new online store
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CountryBorn
True Blue Farmgirl
1545 Posts
Mary Jane
New York
USA
1545 Posts |
Posted - Dec 11 2008 : 2:36:26 PM
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Sherri, I am so sorry this Christmas has gotten so mixed up for you. Please forgive me, but, it sounds like your daughter is behaving like a spoiled brat. You have other children too, and you can't be everywhere at once. Sometimes these things happen. You can't please everyone, so just do what you feel is the right solution. I wouldn't let her guilt you into anything. Like I said, you do have other kids too and they need to come first on occassion too. Your own husband is out of work also. It is a shame this year she couldn't have just given a bit and come to visit all of you. This will work out for you. Just don't let it ruin your holiday. Maybe as one of the farmgirls suggested you could go up a little later and visit the grandchildren. I hope things smooth over for you.
Mary Jane
There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do. Freya Stark |
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mikesgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
3659 Posts
Sherri
Elma
WA
USA
3659 Posts |
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keeperofthehome
True Blue Farmgirl
154 Posts
Suzanne
Atlanta
Georgia
USA
154 Posts |
Posted - Dec 11 2008 : 2:50:20 PM
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I don't mean this to sound flippant, but don't worry about it! Pray and you know, there are still 2 weeks until Christmas. Just prepare everything as you would in your own home and if kids can and will come they shall. It's okay! There's plenty of time for things to change.
Blessings!
~Farrah
http://oldfashionedhomekeeper.blogspot.com
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kissmekate
True Blue Farmgirl
890 Posts
Kate
Delano
Minnesota
890 Posts |
Posted - Dec 11 2008 : 5:13:20 PM
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Sherri,
First off, Big hugs to you from Minnesota.
Secondly, as harsh as it sounds, I agree with Mary Jane's post. Your daughter needs to grow up, and know the world doesn't revolve around her. Perhaps she will learn a hard lesson this year?
Screening her calls? That is so tacky, especially when it is your own mother. Also, your time is valuable too, what if you were calling regarding an emergancy?
Let her pout, and enjoy yourselves at your home-whether it is just you and honey, or all of you!
In the meantime,with all of us farmgirls praying and pulling for you, I am sure a compromise will present itself.
Merry Christmas!
Don't miss out on a blessing, just because it isn't packaged the way you expected. ~MaryJo Copeland |
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K-Falls Farmgirl
Chapter Leader
2096 Posts
Cheryl
Klamath Falls
Oregon
USA
2096 Posts |
Posted - Dec 11 2008 : 5:20:22 PM
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Sherri.. I agree with Kate on this one too.. (((hugs))
http://www.k-fallsfarmgirl.blogspot.com/
Cheryl #309
Farm girl sister
Enjoy the little things in life....someday you'll look back and realize they were the big things. |
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graciegreeneyes
True Blue Farmgirl
3107 Posts
Amy Grace
Rosalia
WA
USA
3107 Posts |
Posted - Dec 11 2008 : 5:41:35 PM
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Oh Sherri - isn't family hard? It seems like there always has to be drama or guilt or something, and during the time of year when you most want to move past the petty things. I don't have any word of wisdom although I would recommend not sacrificing your relationships or opportunities to spend time with your other kids trying to have a relationship with your daughter that it sounds like she is not ready for. Maybe she will "grow up" (don't know how old she is) and realize that she needs her mom!! I am praying for you!!
Amy Grace
Farmgirl #224
"use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without" |
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Jami
True Blue Farmgirl
1238 Posts
Jami
Ellensburg
WA
USA
1238 Posts |
Posted - Dec 12 2008 : 07:55:13 AM
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Sherri, I completely understand you want some harmony during the holiday and some togetherness and to keep everyone happy. That's what we moms do. Hope some Christmas spirit comes over your oldest daughter soon so you can have your heart's desires this year sharing it with everyone.
You raised an independent, driven daughter, but with those attributes comes the "stinkerbelle" side too! To me, it sounds like she wants you all to herself! Maybe she's a mama's girl deep down but doesn't know how to express it well. It is time to be a grown-up however and learn to share.
Jami in WA
Farmgirl Sister #266
http://woolyinwashington.wordpress.com/
http://farmhouseflair.etsy.com |
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mikesgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
3659 Posts
Sherri
Elma
WA
USA
3659 Posts |
Posted - Dec 12 2008 : 09:11:03 AM
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Thanks for all of your input - you have no idea how much it helps. Here is what the final "shakedown" looks like! Youngest daughter suggested that we (the younger three and their SO's) spend Christmas Eve day together, and go to dh's brother's house in the evening. The next day, younger daughter and her bf will go to his brother's house and dh and I AND oldest son and his wife will go to the daughter who has been causing the stink. (and younger son if he happens to make it out from WY). At his request, I informed older daughter that oldest son was having financial difficulties due to lack of work and no unemployment. She, in turn, e-mailed me back saying she had his name for Christmas and if he wanted she would send him $50 for Christmas that he could use for gas money. Well, I knew how that would go over - successful big sister swooping in to save the day for unsuccessful little brother - and was really hesitant to tell him that. Instead, I gave her his phone number (she has had all of our phone numbers a million times but says she loses them) and let her handle it. First smart thing I did in this whole debacle! Anyway, I don't know if she called him or not, but I was proud of oldest son - he called and said he'd make it out to our house and if it was ok, he'd agree to go up to her house again this year if they could ride with us - because he wants to play with his three little nephews on Christmas. SO, looks like that's the solution. Next year, I am OUT of it! They can hash it out themselves and let us know where they expect US to be!! Maybe we'll just go to the cabin!!! Thanks again ladies - after reading all of your answers I KNOW you know exactly how i felt and I really could feel the support from all of you! That's what I love about Sisters.
Farmgirl Sister #98
Check out my new online store
http://www.shopthefrontier.com/VFstore/index.php?manufacturers_id=79&osCsid=6be4b25bf9555031c6e2e86bbde23dba |
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Jami
True Blue Farmgirl
1238 Posts
Jami
Ellensburg
WA
USA
1238 Posts |
Posted - Dec 12 2008 : 09:14:46 AM
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Whew,you could be a logistics manager for the President, girl! Way to find a solution for this year's holiday "save." I know you feel better, I can tell. That's super your son can come after all too.
Now, have a very Merry Christmas!
Jami in WA
Farmgirl Sister #266
http://woolyinwashington.wordpress.com/
http://farmhouseflair.etsy.com |
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mikesgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
3659 Posts
Sherri
Elma
WA
USA
3659 Posts |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
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Mother Hen
True Blue Farmgirl
604 Posts
Cindy
Peck
ID
USA
604 Posts |
Posted - Dec 12 2008 : 10:35:53 PM
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Sherri, I'm glad to hear everything worked out for you. I do agree with everyone else when they said your oldest daughter needs to think of the rest of the family and not just her. I'm happy to hear she finally got in touch with you. It's heart breaking when your child acts like that. I speak from experience too, unfortunately.
Sounds like you will have a wonderful 2 days of celebration! Enjoy it and don't sweat the small stuff
I will bless the Lord at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth. Psalms 34:1 |
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katie-ell
True Blue Farmgirl
1818 Posts
Katie
Illinois
1818 Posts |
Posted - Dec 13 2008 : 05:44:30 AM
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Glad it worked out, Sherri. My thought was that you should honor your first commitment, to your daughter, especially because of the grandchildren. So glad that's going to happen. Families are difficult, sometimes. But I think we shouldn't all judge your daughter as being the only difficulty in this situation -- 'judge not', I think. None of us know what may be going on in HER life and what having you at her house for Christmas means to HER. So, I'm glad you'll be there. And, yes, go to the cabin next year!
www.youaretoocreative.blogspot.com |
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goneriding
True Blue Farmgirl
1599 Posts
Winona
Central Oregon
USA
1599 Posts |
Posted - Dec 14 2008 : 09:56:21 AM
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I, too, have a daughter who likes to control things and the best I can say is don't worry about it. Much easier said than done. You've done the best you could and tried to fix it. The way I see it is the ball is in her court. I sure do understand about the grandkids too. They are learning from their mother/your daughter about how to treat you and that's scary. Do the best you can (which I think you did a great job) and try to go on. Family is the pits a lot of the time but you have us on this board and we care about you!! I read something from an ancient man the other day that said something along the lines that 'Patience will cure all troubles'. That's a paraphrase but it's very true. ;-)
Winona ;-)
When you lose, don't lose the lesson!!
http://goneriding.wordpress.com/
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Family Matters: I feel so bad.... |
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I feel so bad....
