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Family Matters:  advice about not wanting children...  |
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Betty J.
True Blue Farmgirl
1404 Posts
Betty
Pasco
WA
USA
1404 Posts |
 Posted - Oct 25 2008 : 11:14:35 AM
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Elizabeth, if you don't want children now, don't worry about it. My son and his wife don't want kids either and I'm fine with that. She is just a kid herself, 24 yo and he is 34. He had a kid when he had just turned 15--a real misstep on his part.
DS #1 and DDIL are having their first and very desired child. He is 38 and she will turn 40 in November. She will give birth mid to late January. Of course, she is high-risk, but they have taken care of as much of the health risks as possible. The baby, a girl, is healthy and the amniocentesis didn't show any problems.
So live your life and don't let someone pressure you into having kids if you aren't ready. If it's meant to be, it will be.
Betty in Pasco |
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jpbluesky
True Blue Farmgirl
6066 Posts
Jeannie
Florida
USA
6066 Posts |
Posted - Oct 25 2008 : 11:49:15 AM
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When my hubby and all our frineds were young and starting families, there was one couple among us who did not want them. She was a teacher, and wanted to come home to quiet and just her hubby. Today, we are all at 59 or so now, with grown kids. And this couple is still very happy, both retired, and travelling and healthy....so for them, as the years went by, they did not feel regret. They have a happy marriage, lots of friends, and they took really good care of their aging parents before they passed.
It is okay to follow the life you feel you are supposed to have. You may change your mind, or perhaps you won't, but make a happy life with your hubby and don't worry.
Farmgirl Sister # 31
www.blueskyjeannie.blogspot.com
Psalm 51: 10-13 |
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susanreno
True Blue Farmgirl
66 Posts
Susan
West Chester
PA
USA
66 Posts |
Posted - Oct 25 2008 : 6:43:49 PM
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Hi Elizabeth,
I am 35 and have been a mom for almost 2 years now. I knew children were going to be a lot of work, but honestly, I don't think I had any idea of truly how much work they were going to be. I wanted kids, but I wouldn't say that I was obsessed with the idea. I also got pregnant pretty quickly once we decided to start trying "officially" so who knows how I would have felt if a year or two had gone by without a pregnancy. Kids totally change your life, in the ways you'd expect and in many ways that you never even imagined. They can also put a strain on a marriage, even a strong one. Having said that, I really, REALLY enjoy being a mother and have experienced levels of joy and happiness that I never thought possible. The love I feel toward my girls is totally indescribable. But geez.... is it a lot of work :)
The decision is so personal, people just have no right trying to pry into your life and offer you all sorts of unsolicited advice about having kids. It's amazing what people feel they have the right to say. I've found that complete strangers are the worst, I've been asked the craziest questions by people whose name I didn't even know! Don't even give them a thought. You and your husband know in your heart what's best for the two of you. Period. Life is what you make of it, and that holds true with or without children. One choice is not "better" than the other.
And if you do end up changing your mind (I'm sure your biological clock still has plenty of ticks left - ha ha) then you shouldn't question all that time that you felt the opposite. Sometimes situations change over time, sometimes they don't. I don't think I thought about kids at all when I was 28 or so. So, I'd say...have fun, enjoy your marriage and go after whatever it is you want to go after in life! The rest will take care of itself.
Susan |
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prairie_princess
True Blue Farmgirl
613 Posts
Elizabeth
Carpenter
WY
USA
613 Posts |
Posted - Oct 26 2008 : 1:30:07 PM
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my grandma once gave me the "you're selfish not to have children." my reply to her was "no, it's selfish for someone to have children who doesn't want them... how is that any good for a child?" i've heard of women who've had children who didn't want them and they've felt resentment towards them and don't want to be around their own children. i'm scared i'd be that way and that is definately not a good atmosphere for a child to be in. (i feel resentment toward my dog, which is my first. i wasn't sure how i'd feel about having a dog since i'd never had one. but my husband wanted one so bad, so we got one. you know what? my husband feels the same way now. although our dog is well trained and everyone compliments how obedient she is, she is not a companion at all. she's not loving. she hates to be petted and loved because all she wants to do is play. and i resent her and my husband for it. so wouldn't feel comfortable having a baby unless i was 100% SURE i wanted one) i know dogs aren't children, but i'm sure feelings can be the same. i'm so happy for everyone who is so happy to have children, and there are many friends and family around me popping them out all the time. sometimes i feel i'm missing out, but only because they are "moving on" in their lives. i feel stuck at times. and wanting to just be a farmgirl and housewife is hard enough! people think you're strange, and then if you tell them you don't want kids... whew, look out. but i do like being an outsider at times... especially when my hubby and i get to do things married couples don't get to do, like travel. so i suppose i am a bit selfish. selfish because i want to have fun with my hubby, because i want to have a good marriage that is fun and don't want to miss out on some aspects of life. so if i AM selfish, that's ok too.
"Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy."
-Guillaume Apollinaire |
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Jami
True Blue Farmgirl
1238 Posts
Jami
Ellensburg
WA
USA
1238 Posts |
Posted - Oct 27 2008 : 07:19:24 AM
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Chiming in again. You know I'm all for everyone beating their own drum so the "choice" is non-issue to me. Do what you want--your call and your life and enjoy it to the fullest.
But I did get to thinking about older generations asking you about kids and the selfish comments and so forth. I guess when older people ask we need to keep in mind they are from a different generation and life experience than us. No birth control back then for one thing...kids happened. Then back in "the day" people had larger families because of "kids happened" and also many were creating cheap labor (I know that sounds crass, but you know what I mean) and later heirs for the farm. Times have changed and aren't we lucky women to have more control over our lives and choices? I know these older folks know that there have been changes like birth control for one and women have choices for another, but they still come from "roots" that didn't include these choices, so I guess I understand in a way why they are pestering you...it's all a matter of perspective. I didn't say it's not annoying though. 
Jami in WA
Farmgirl Sister #266
http://woolyinwashington.wordpress.com/ |
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julia hayes
True Blue Farmgirl
1132 Posts
julia
medical lake
wa
USA
1132 Posts |
Posted - Nov 01 2008 : 10:53:16 AM
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Elizabeth...I support you whole-heartedly. This is your choice right along with your husband! What other people say is something you'll have to contend with but the bottom line is that you are the master of your life. You go girl! Just remember, there are oodles of reasons supporting your choice to perhaps not have children and there are just as many wonderful reasons to have children. The only right way is the one that is right for you and only you know what that is!
Just a perspective though in terms of age: I was 36 when I had my first child. I had been with my husband for nearly 18 years (10 of them married) already. My third child was born when I was 41. Totally no worry! I was healthy then and remain so now. I was energetic then and remain so, albeit not like I was when I was in my 20's.
I was SO not ready to have kids when I was 28! Heavens! Even when I was pregnant I wondered...Now that I have kids it is absurd to think about life without them so I don't go there. I can't actually. My life is completely different with them. They are a buttload of work..it is physical and emotional. It isn't always wonderful and amazing and yet overall it is. As a stay-at-home mom, I've found it a lonely job at times that has tested my sense of confidence, creativity, patience, and judgment. It has made me grow in ways that I never imagined and I'm grateful for it.
Julie, I CRACKED UP when I read your post about nursing and changing diapers! What a Hoot you are! If you can wrap your head around this, I've been nursing for 7 years straight! Even I'm amazed. Lord knows what saggy bundles I'll be hauling around when Rianna decides to quit and I head toward the launch pad of 50. totally makes me laugh!! Changing diapers is a total drag a lot of the time...no doubt there but it has also given me so many moments of hysterical laughing I couldn't even begin to share all those stories!
Elizabeth, you are in no hurry here. You have plenty of time. You actually don't need to make any kind of decision but you are at a crossroads. The great thing is that you can decide go down one way (no kids) and then turn around and come back and try the other way (kids)...when people do that, as I have, the decision to take that other path is pretty clear and the journey, well worth it!
Many blessings to you!! ~julia hayes
being simple to simply be
Farmgirl #30
www.julia42.etsy.com |
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5 acre Farmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
1007 Posts
~~~*Terri*~~~
WA.
USA
1007 Posts |
Posted - Nov 06 2008 : 05:29:35 AM
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The decisions you and DH make are not for anyone else..."Ride your own Pony"..like someone else said, just to know, there will be those who have to give you "THEIR" opinion of what is right, so be on your guard....and have an answer ready for anyone who asks, or inquires, or is a "nosey body"....if you want to answer....
Farmgirl Sister #368
http://froccsfrillsfurbiloesandmore.blogspot.com
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MagnoliaWhisper
True Blue Farmgirl
2817 Posts
Heather
Haysville
Kansas
USA
2817 Posts |
Posted - Nov 06 2008 : 06:30:02 AM
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At 28 you are deff NOT past the child bearing age! lol that is hilarious! 28 being past. Any way, I had my first child at 30! My grandma had her last child at 48! She said the only reason he was her last, is cause grandpa died in a airplane crash after that. Or she would of had more!
Any way....You do what's best for you and try not to worry about others. I would rather people not have children who don't want them. It's better for them, but even better for the possible children not to be born to people who don't truly want them.
No matter what we choose there will always be critics I find it best to do MY best, and only worry about what me and God thinks, and the rest well they need to tend to their own nit. I don't go and get in their business cause I assume they are like me and doing their best as well. So why would it be my business what they choose. So I hope people in general give me the same respect.
Good for you for actually making a PLAN instead of just letting what ever happen, happen.
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
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knittingmom
True Blue Farmgirl
665 Posts
AnneMarie
Edmonton
Alberta
Canada
665 Posts |
Posted - Nov 07 2008 : 08:37:05 AM
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You and your husband know in your hearts what you want. As well you're only 28 that's still young you have plenty of time to decide, who knows how you'll both feel in 10 years, you might feel the same or not. Ultimately, don't sweat the small stuff, you'll know if having children is right for you.
Some of us know we want children and some of us know we don't, both are perfectly fine. |
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K-Falls Farmgirl
Chapter Leader
2096 Posts
Cheryl
Klamath Falls
Oregon
USA
2096 Posts |
Posted - Nov 07 2008 : 09:03:55 AM
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Elizabeth, here is my 2 cents worth... Don't have children if you do not have 100% support from your husband. If your life is set where you are doing what you want and living comfortably. Children are wonderful. But Its a lot of sacrifice and worth every one if you are happy having them. I agree ""ride your own pony" Life is too short to be stressed about what the future holds.. Enjoy each day with your husband and Love, respect and honor him. He is your family and I am sure he will do the same.
http://www.k-fallsfarmgirl.blogspot.com/
Cheryl #309
Farm girl sister
Enjoy the little things in life....someday you'll look back and realize they were the big things. |
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greyghost
True Blue Farmgirl
650 Posts
Lynn
Summerville
Georgia
USA
650 Posts |
Posted - Nov 17 2008 : 2:34:36 PM
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I'm 32, married 8 years, no kids. I'm finally at the point that if we got pregnant, I think I would be OK about it, but up until recently, I really didn't want children. When people ask, I point to my dogs and say "I have kids, aren't they great?"
I'm perfectly happy with my furkids. That's all that really matters anyway. |
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MsCwick
True Blue Farmgirl
775 Posts
Cristine
Farmville
Virginia
USA
775 Posts |
Posted - Nov 18 2008 : 07:26:18 AM
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Elizabeth, you are not the only one. I am 26(27 in Feb) and we have been married for 4 and a half years. We also are not planning on any kids. DH is better with them than me, but for the most part, it's just not something that we are so worried about doing. There isnt anything wrong with you for not wanting them. Our family right now is me and him and our critters and we call them our babies. Not all women before the age of 30 are predisposed to bearing children. Like you said, maybe in 10 years. That's a long time from now, and you and your husband will both change between now and then. You are not alone. I am younger than you and I feel the same way. His parents bug me about a baby, so I just joke with them and tell them we just got a puppy, that's the baby for now....
Cristine |
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NatureNymph
True Blue Farmgirl
73 Posts
Tracy
Barrie
Ontario
Canada
73 Posts |
Posted - Nov 18 2008 : 1:07:10 PM
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You're not going to like me...but here goes...
One: If you are frustrated or offended by other people's comments it MIGHT be because you are not 100 per cent sure of your decision yourself. If you were sure it wouldn't be an issue. I think you MAY be feeling the pressure because you are having your own doubts about your choice and that's okay. It's hard to know what to do at any age and I doubt someone can know for 100% that they will never want kids, I believe it is a decison that happens over time. A child-free couple may waffle back and forth for many years, constantly revisiting the issue (often sparked by one partner or the other) again and again until a concensis is made. I did not want kids until I found out I was pregnant and that changed everything.
Two: Telling yourself that 28 years old is too old for having babies is just a way to justify or excuse your choice and it's unnecessary. If you need justification beyond "I just don't want any" then maybe your decision is not made completely and you need more time. And that's okay too. 28 is not passed the child bearing age...that's ridiculous. A lot can happen in the next 12 to 17 years so I would suggest not doing anything permenate if you can help it.
Three: Whatever you do, do not make the decision out of fear. Fear can hold you back and tie you down when you don't even know it.
Of course, do what you want. These things kind of popped out at me from your post.
I'm 28 and would love to have two or three more (we have two now) but are having fertility problems. As hard as it had been, I know it is happening for a reason and I feel the need to justify my desires to no one. Life is what it is.
"Everybody likes to go their own way--to choose their own time and manner of devotion." Jane Austen, Mansfield Park
http://simplicitysampler.blogspot.com/
http://blessewefarm.blogspot.com/ |
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chandasue
Farmgirl in Training
20 Posts
20 Posts |
Posted - Nov 25 2008 : 09:18:57 AM
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| I had no desire to have a child until I accidentally got pregnant and all of a sudden I was totally OK with having a child, even down right happy about it. I didn't have my son until I was 30. There is no harm in waiting. We're planning on having a second in a couple more years which will make me 34 or 35. I don't want two in diapers. ;) Basically what I'm saying is don't get too hung up on your age. I blew off the family pressure for years. Your mental image of a complete family, be it just the two of you, or if it changes down the road, is yours and yours alone. Best of luck. :) |
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prairie_princess
True Blue Farmgirl
613 Posts
Elizabeth
Carpenter
WY
USA
613 Posts |
Posted - Aug 01 2009 : 09:00:20 AM
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this is my new hang-up: like chandasue, i think i would be fine if i accidentally got pregnant. DH and i are in a good living situation where we could afford having a child and i know he'd be an awesome dad.
but, here's my question: i don't feel mature enough most of the time to want a child. i'll say it, i'm selfish and not ready to change for a child. i like to be able to take a trip without the worry of who will take care of my child. i like the freedom of DH and i being able to go out and have romantic fun without a child around. and although i don't have that "feeling" of wanting a child, is having a child about the only way i will get over this immaturity? is a kid what it takes to push me into being a "real" adult? or are my inner feelings that are telling me i don't want a child what i should really be listening to?
"Only two things that money can't buy, that's true love and homegrown tomatoes."
- Guy Clark
"The man who has planted a garden feels he has done something for the good of the world."
- Charles Dudley Warner |
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nut4fabric
True Blue Farmgirl
885 Posts
Kathy
Morgan Hill
CA
USA
885 Posts |
Posted - Aug 01 2009 : 09:24:22 AM
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My two cents....you don't have a baby for any other reason than wanting one. Being a parent will push you into many things but if you aren't sure you want to go there DON"T
Kathy |
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CountryBorn
True Blue Farmgirl
1545 Posts
Mary Jane
New York
USA
1545 Posts |
Posted - Aug 01 2009 : 10:45:14 AM
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It sounds to me like you are buying into the guilt thing that other people love to put on childless couples. Misery loves company! lol. You are being honest this is the way you feel now. So go with it. Having children is a wonderful thing, but it is one heck of a lot of work and worry and yes sacrifice too. Don't feel like you should be guilty because you are enjoying your life the way it is. It is great to be able to do what you want when you want. Not to have someone else to tend to all the time. Especially if that is your choice. I always wanted kids from the time I was a kid. But, that doesn't make it right for everyone. So stop worrying about other peoples opinions and live your life. You change your mind, have kids, no big deal, your business, your choice. The only way to overcome immaturity is growing and maturing. That will come,it doesn't mean you are immature for not wanting kids.
MJ
There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do. Freya Stark |
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Bear5
True Blue Farmgirl
13055 Posts
Louisiana/Texas
USA
13055 Posts |
Posted - Aug 01 2009 : 9:02:29 PM
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Elizabeth;
I am one of six girls in the family. My youngest sister did not want children, and she never had children. I say if that is how you feel about the topic, then, so be it. This is your life. Remember, this is not a dress rehearsel. Don't do something your heart says not to do. Maybe later you may change your mind.
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
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4forMe
True Blue Farmgirl
166 Posts
Dawn
Easton
MD
166 Posts |
Posted - Aug 02 2009 : 07:08:05 AM
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There is nothing wrong with not wanting to have a child. It is when people who don't want children have them for other reasons that is wrong IMO. For instance, having a child to save a marriage, or because your parents are guilting you into making them grandparents...those are wrong reasons, IMO.
Being a parent is a HUGE life changing event and if you aren't absolutely sure that you want your life to change, than I say hold off, and enjoy your life the way it is.
I think choosing not to have a child if you know you aren't ready, or sure you want one, is a sign of MATURITY.
Sewing, knitting, gardening mom of 4. |
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willowtreecreek
True Blue Farmgirl
4813 Posts
Julie
Russell
AR
USA
4813 Posts |
Posted - Aug 02 2009 : 11:37:27 AM
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I weiged in on this last year (my response is on page 1) and I still feel the same. I'm 31 now and feel no more likely that I want kids as I did back then. Some people are just meant NOT to have kids. Be okay with who you are!
Farmgirl Sister #17
Blog
www.willowtreecreek.wordpress.com
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Annab
True Blue Farmgirl
2900 Posts
Anna
Seagrove
NC
USA
2900 Posts |
Posted - Aug 03 2009 : 04:51:34 AM
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Hubby and I have been married for almost 9 years. I'll be 40 next year.
I too have never had the desire
I wonder why that is for some of us. I grew up with a brother in a very loving home.
In the list of long term goals and dreams, having children never did register
The pressure is unbearable form the outside sometimes.
I think my folks have accepted it.
And medically speaking, my eggs are probably fried from too much radiation from x-rays as an infant |
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moxieblossom
True Blue Farmgirl
121 Posts
USA
121 Posts |
Posted - Aug 03 2009 : 08:25:13 AM
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I've been married to my hubby almost 7 years. I'm 30, he's 37, and we don't have kids other than the furry kind. :)
When we first got married, we both agreed that we didn't want to have kids. Recently I've been revisiting that, as most of our friends have had kids and we're getting some pressure from our families... however, in my heart of hearts, I'm still not sure that I REALLY want kids, or if it's just all the pressure getting to me. He's still fairly against having kids right now, although he does acknowledge that his feelings might change at some point.
For us, it's partially a maturity thing, we enjoy our freedom! We're still trying to work off debt and get into a more stable place in our life. Plus we'd really rather be in Tennessee with our families and a good support system if we have kids, right now we don't have any family around us here. Add to that some medical issues I have that could interfere with pregnancy, that's another big factor in our "no kids" decision right now.
Adoption/foster care might be a possibility down the road, so if our situation changes and if at that point I'm unable to have kids, we'll definitely consider it.
I don't really have any advice, except try not to let other influence your decisions too heavily. It's natural for family and friends to "want" you to have kids, and in a way it's a compliment! But ultimately, when the baby is crying at 3am, you are the one who has to take care of the baby, not your family/friends.
Farmgirl #242
http://vintage-moxie.blogspot.com |
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Annab
True Blue Farmgirl
2900 Posts
Anna
Seagrove
NC
USA
2900 Posts |
Posted - Aug 07 2009 : 03:47:13 AM
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Ditto the above statement and all the other stuff that comes w/ being a parent.
It has its rewards I know for sure
But I too love being able to come and go on a whim, sleep in and vacation as we see fit.
It's a selfish thing for sure, I'll admit. But as was just stated, where are those people at 3 a.m. when your kid is screaming, sick or hurt.
Most of our friends have kids.
The only thing that really jars me-- is thinking about when my spouse dies. Who will take care of me? But really, what's to guarantee a child who will reciprocate the love and not just lock their parent in a nursing home and never visit. Some life.
This is where having a huge friend base and remainig active in the community will really come in handy.
I view this same as natural childbirth. It's a nice personal goal, and honorable for sure-- for which sometimes there is no thanks, but still a personal choice just the same.
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DivaHick
Farmgirl in Training
26 Posts
Megan
Alliance
OH
USA
26 Posts |
Posted - Aug 07 2009 : 08:29:54 AM
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Agh! NO one has the right to ask that question of anyone! In your case, you don't want to have kids and the question makes you uncomfortable. In my case, people ask it and I CAN'T have kids. They have no right to my medical history and there's no way to get around it. And if I tell them I can't, then they give me advice on how to get pregnant. (And if one more person tells me to "just relax and it'll happen", I blow my top!) And friends of mine have lost babies in utero. People ask them when they are going to start having kids, they answer 8 years ago, but they died.
I'm sorry I'll hop down off my soapbox.
But seriously, you could ask people who ask you, "Are you really that interested in my sex life? Cause if you know where babies come from..."
Yes I play the spoons, but I do it with perfectly manicured nails... |
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knitnpickinatune
True Blue Farmgirl
1140 Posts
Sherrie
Gardena
California
USA
1140 Posts |
Posted - Aug 07 2009 : 2:24:44 PM
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Elizabeth,I'm just like you-except I'm single. I'll be 46 and never have wanted children. It's not that I don't like kids,but I just never had the "mommy gene"...go figure. I've run into women who were just aghast that I have none-and the funny thing with those types is,all they can talk about is their kids,and well if you can't talk on that same subject they're like lost sheep. I was married many years ago and he knew I didn't want kids from the 1st date. Well,we wound up divorcing,part of the problem was all at once he wanted kids.(I've been single again for 10 years) I say go with what your heart tells you is right-and you have a lovin hubby who is in agreement with you! That's wonderful.
I'm part native American,and among some tribes is the beliefs that there are 2 types of women-the mothers and the warriors (on a spiritual level) well,I definately fit in the Spiritual Warrior Medicine Path catagory. I think too much fuss is made about women bearing children. Hopes this helps you-you are normal!
http://www.mandochicks.com
http://www.mandolinbabe.com |
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Family Matters: advice about not wanting children... |
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advice about not wanting children...
