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Family Matters:  advice about not wanting children...  |
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prairie_princess
True Blue Farmgirl
613 Posts
Elizabeth
Carpenter
WY
USA
613 Posts |
 Posted - Oct 23 2008 : 3:21:27 PM
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this is my first post to this section and i just wanted some advice on my dillema. my hubby and i have been married almost 4 years, together 6. i will be 28 in december, so i'm at or past that child bearing age. problem is, scott and i have decided (at least for now) we don't want children. i really don't think i want kids at all, ever, though i can't say i won't reach my 30's and 40's and want them because of hormones or something. i just don't have that biological clock at all. i don't see babies or kids and get that twinge of "i want one so bad" in my heart. i'm just happy as i am. i'm lucky scott decided he doesn't want them either. but i feel like such an outsider. i wonder what is wrong with me? why don't i feel like "everyone else" and want kids? and everyone i meet or talk to just assumes we want them. i know it's the next step after marriage and people think you want kids as the next step, so they naturally want to know "when are you going to start your family?" and i never really know what to say. should i be truthful and say we don't want them ever? should i just say i don't know when we are going to have a family? i don't want people to think i'm some emotionless, uncaring woman because i don't want kids. i have other plans for my future. another problem.... i'm an only child. my dad really has that idea of passing on his genes and wanting a grandson to play with. so i get the guilt trip every time i see him. i feel bad because i'm an only child because my mom had birth problems and it wasn't safe for them to have any more kids, even though they wanted them (i was a month early and weighed 2 pounds 11 oz. and she had a tubal pregnancy after me). so i can see their point. but it's not my responsibilty to have grandkids for them. i just wanted some wise words of advice on how i should feel, what i could say to people asking about it, and whatever advice you may have to offer. thank you fellow farmgals!
Elizabeth
"Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy."
-Guillaume Apollinaire |
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gramadinah
True Blue Farmgirl
3557 Posts
Diana
Orofino
ID
USA
3557 Posts |
Posted - Oct 23 2008 : 3:57:21 PM
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Go with your heart. I couldn't not have kids as it was all I every wanted and was blessed with two of the best and most wonderful kids A person could ask for. But if it is not you thats ok. Not every body is like me which makes for a more exciting world. As for what to say thats very hard but be honest with yourself and with the askers and it will work out.
Diana
Farmgirl Sister #273 |
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nut4fabric
True Blue Farmgirl
885 Posts
Kathy
Morgan Hill
CA
USA
885 Posts |
Posted - Oct 23 2008 : 4:11:32 PM
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Elizabeth You know what's best for you and your husband and it is really not anyone elses business, but we all know that people are nosy so just tell them the truth, how they deal with it is their problem. My brother and sister-in-law chose not to have children and have had a very happy full life. God bless you!!
Hugs, Kathy |
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Jami
True Blue Farmgirl
1238 Posts
Jami
Ellensburg
WA
USA
1238 Posts |
Posted - Oct 23 2008 : 4:16:48 PM
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I say ride your own pony, Elizabeth, and don't keep looking to others to see if you're "normal." You're just right the way you are..and that goes for if you want kids, don't want kids, want paper or plastic, girl.
We are so lucky to have all of the choices that women have today at our feet...embrace the ones meant for you and live your own life. If you exude confidence in your decision, not one will dare cross you or question you...that's their issue, not yours. Love your motto!
Jami in WA
Farmgirl Sister #266
http://woolyinwashington.wordpress.com/ |
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kissmekate
True Blue Farmgirl
890 Posts
Kate
Delano
Minnesota
890 Posts |
Posted - Oct 23 2008 : 5:51:56 PM
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Elizabeth,
I have friends who are in the same situation. I will tell you the same thing I told her.
I told her I respect and admired her and her husband both for knowing they don't want kids, and not having them.
I think a lot of people have kids and shouldn't.
If you both don't want kids, it is YOUR decision. Tell everyone else you have decided not to have kids and leave it at that.
Don't miss out on a blessing, just because it isn't packaged the way you expected. ~MaryJo Copeland |
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Rebekka Mae
True Blue Farmgirl
965 Posts
Rebekka
Moscow
ID
USA
965 Posts |
Posted - Oct 23 2008 : 6:04:18 PM
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Elizabeth,
My godparents never had children and as a result they were always there to give my folks a night off or us kids a day out- what a gift. Perhaps by watching them do their thing happily without kids I have a different perspective but it is wonderfully freeing to see people choosing the life they want and living it. They always 'had' us, and their parents keep tabs on us as if we are their grandchildren. They have been happily married for over 30 years, they paid off a beautiful home and travel when and where they please. I say all this so that you know that there are content, nurturing women and men all over who do not want children of their own...it isn't selfish and it could end up being a blessing for one of your friends with children. Parenting is wonderful hard work and those of us who are parents do it imperfectly, no one should feel compelled to undertake such a challenge if it is not in their heart.
My girlfriend, a fabulous single gal, tells people she doesn't need to have kids because she is already helping my hubby and I raise ours!
Warmly, Rebekka
www.bebebella.etsy.com
As a woman I have no country. As a woman, my country is the whole world.
Virginia Woolf |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
Posted - Oct 23 2008 : 6:08:16 PM
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Elizabeth-
The great thing about our generation is that we get to make these types of choices much easier than any of our foremothers. I have known a lot of professional couples that decided they didn't want to raise children. They have happy lives and often pick up and go on hiking trips or exotic vacations that could be complicated by children. My daughter Nora was a surprise and I was in the same boat as you until we were forced to change our minds! LOL
Honestly, if someone is your close friend and you feel comfortable discussing it- I would let them know that you have other plans for your life that at this point it doesn't include children. It might save you questions in the future. However, if they are just acquaintances you might want to just say "That's a family decision." I am sure that most aren't meaning to be hurtful or insinuate anything- it just seems to be one of those socially acceptable small talk topics.
I don't believe that you have any less love or caring in your heart and soul than a family that has many children. *hugs* I agree! I think it is fabulous that you know your desires and personal wishes and follow them instead of just doing something because "society" expects it.
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.awarmheart.com
Please come visit Nora and me on our blog: www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
Put your pin on the farmgirl map! www.farmgirlmap.blogspot.com |
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willowtreecreek
True Blue Farmgirl
4813 Posts
Julie
Russell
AR
USA
4813 Posts |
Posted - Oct 23 2008 : 7:48:06 PM
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I Just turned 30. My Hubby and I have been married 8 years. We do not have plans to have children. We are both teachers so we CONSTANTLY get bugged about not having kids. I am the same as you. Mostly when I see babies(except my nephews). I want to run the other way. Sure some are cute but I have no desire to have my own. I hate the sound of crying and thought of breast feeding and changing diapers repulses me. I don't think there is a thing wrong with not wanting kids.
Farmgirl Sister #17
Blog
www.willowtreecreek.wordpress.com
Felt and Fabric Crafts
www.willowartist.etsy.com
www.willowtreecreek.com
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willowtreecreek
True Blue Farmgirl
4813 Posts
Julie
Russell
AR
USA
4813 Posts |
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oldfashioned girl
True Blue Farmgirl
2391 Posts
monica
oatman
az
USA
2391 Posts |
Posted - Oct 23 2008 : 7:51:31 PM
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Elizabeth, I have to laugh a tiny bit when you say you are at or past the child bearing age! I am 40 and my oldest of three is 6!!! Seriously though, you have to make the decision that is right for you and your husband and not what is right for anyone else! You may decide later you do want kids, but it has to be your decision! I would tell people that right now you have decided not to have kids and leave it at that! Having kids is a big thing and a lot of work, but is for me the greatest thing and I wish I could have one more!
Monica
farmgirls rule!
www.justducky48.etsy.com |
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prairie_princess
True Blue Farmgirl
613 Posts
Elizabeth
Carpenter
WY
USA
613 Posts |
Posted - Oct 23 2008 : 8:36:39 PM
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i thank you all so much for your advice and input! it has opened me up to new ways of seeing things and i feel more at ease and "normal". this question was spawned because a neighbor asked me the other day if i was planning on getting a bachelor's degree after i get my associate's degree and i told her no, i think i'm going to stay home and enjoy being a housewife. (this is also another area of confusion for people... i don't work and don't plan on getting a "career" degree... i'm finishing my associate's degree in general studies so i can feel more educated, because i earned my college money in the navy and want to use it, and because i was testing out a semester of college to see if it 'fit'.... it hasn't but i've put so much effort and work into it i'd like to have some sort of degree to show for it. my plans as of now is to finish school and stay at home and be a housewife and partial farmer (have a cow, chickens, goats and whatever else tickles my fancy. i want to make cheese and other dairy products, knit, take care of our garden and lead a self sustaining, self reliant life) to that my neighbor replied "oh, and start a family" and i said "not now, but i don't know what the future holds" she asked how old i was and i told her. "well, most people your age start having kids by now" that's why i got the notion i'm about past the expiration date for having kids....
and julie, at least i know there are people like me out there who want to run the other way! lol...
"Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy."
-Guillaume Apollinaire |
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kissmekate
True Blue Farmgirl
890 Posts
Kate
Delano
Minnesota
890 Posts |
Posted - Oct 23 2008 : 8:49:37 PM
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Elizabeth,
I have two kids myself. One is 18, the other 12. I am 36 and divorced. I have given up on dating. Most guys my age still want kids. (And couples I know are just starting or have little tiny kids.)
Having another baby was one of the deal breakers on the last guy I dated. We were crazy for each other, BUT he wanted a baby. I would rather eat broken glass than have another child.
He didn't grasp the concept of babies aren't always cute, they poop, get sick, grow up and learn to talk. Then say "NO!" When they hit twelve they cop attitudes and get mouthy. By sixteen they know EVERYTHING.
Nope, No thank you, almost done, don't want another one!
Don't get me wrong. I love my children. I just don't want anymore. Ever. My next baby is a four legged one. He doesn't mouth off and is always glad to see me.
So, I will continue to live single until I find a man who loves me (and my children), but understands WHY I don't want any more babies. I will probably grow really old in the meantime.
Don't miss out on a blessing, just because it isn't packaged the way you expected. ~MaryJo Copeland |
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therusticcottage
True Blue Farmgirl
4439 Posts
Kay
Vancouver
WA
USA
4439 Posts |
Posted - Oct 23 2008 : 11:31:06 PM
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Elizabeth - it is ok to not want to have children! Do not beat yourself up. It is a decision that you and your husband should make and do not let anyone guilt you into thinking it is an incorrect one. You are only 28 and have many childbearing years left. I had my last one when I was 42. Maybe you'll reach that age and decide that's what you want to do. If you don't that's ok too.
I love both of my daughters with all my heart but I've had kids since I was 18 years old and I'm tired!! I have 4 more years left with my youngest in school and I can't wait until it's over. I'll be 60 by then and I'm ready to only have to worry about me!
You do what is best for you not what society says you are supposed to do!!
Handmade Soap and More! Try my new Lavender Oatmeal Facial Bar - http://therusticcottage.etsy.com
The Rustic Cottage Blog http://therusticcottage.blogspot.com
PROUD FARMGIRL SISTER #100 |
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levisgrammy
True Blue Farmgirl
9439 Posts
Denise
Beavercreek
Ohio
USA
9439 Posts |
Posted - Oct 24 2008 : 06:16:36 AM
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Elizabeth,
We are all responsible for our own choices. Let me give a word of caution, it is natural for your father to want grandchildren. Children and grandchildren are a blessing, just make sure the choice you are making is not based on selfishness. It can become very lonely later in life.
Denise
farmgirl sister #43
"Take a lesson from the teakettle, though up to its
neck in hot water...it sings!"
www.torisgram.etsy.com |
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Amie C.
True Blue Farmgirl
2099 Posts
Finger Lakes Region
NY
2099 Posts |
Posted - Oct 24 2008 : 07:00:08 AM
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Elizabeth, I know many people who have kids well into their 30's with no problems. My mom, for instance, had 4 kids during her 30's with the youngest born when she was 39. Personally, I would not want to try having my first child after age 35 because that's when the risk of having a child with genetic abnormalities goes way up. So you've got plenty of time to consider it, if you find that you change your mind and do want kids.
Personally, I'm on the fence about it. If I could stay home and raise the children myself, I probably would. I know what you mean about not feeling a deep seated longing for babies. But sometimes I think it would be nice to have another person in our family, and I would like to have someone to hand down family stories and family quirks to. |
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clux64
True Blue Farmgirl
162 Posts
Celeste
Blair
NE
USA
162 Posts |
Posted - Oct 24 2008 : 07:15:44 AM
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I never had that 'urge' for kids either. I knew I wanted kids someday, but was never really motivated to do it. Then I found myself 35, DH and I had been married 13 years and it looked like the marriage was solid so we started a family. Luckily we had no fertility issues (tho it did take over a year to get pregnant), and we love, love, LOVE our kids (we have two now), but we decided that if we didn't get pregnant, that would be okay too. None of this manic, fertility treament stuff for us. I digress, the point I'm making is I think I would have been perfectly happy to have found ourselves without kids if for some reason we didn't get pregnant. I don't think it's abnormal to find yourself without that maternal drive, it's just who some of us are. Oh, and did I mention I was an only child? I sooooo get the pressure that wanna be grandmas can put on you. It's your choice (and we do have a choice) and your life so live it your way, you'll never regret it.
Celeste
"No matter where you go, there you are"
--Confucious
www.urbanprairiehome.blogspot.com
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deeredawn
True Blue Farmgirl
2306 Posts
Dawn
Cordova
TN
USA
2306 Posts |
Posted - Oct 24 2008 : 07:21:07 AM
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Just a quick note. I had one child in my first marriage. She has lived with her father for better than 2 years now. I have been remarried for 7 years now and both of us do not desire to have children. I have been called "selfish" and "unloving" for this choice, however, I am at a point in my life (I'm 37) where I'm very happy. My hubby is happy, we have a great life. If children WERE to enter the picture, we'd be just as happy, but that hasnt happened and we havent "tried". Go with your gut. Now-a-days its very normal to have children in your later 30's and 40's and in my opinion, it may be a bit wiser. Dont do anything you dont feel in your heart you arent ready for. I love what WillowCreek stated as her comeback comment. You willknow when its time......
Dawn #279
MJ's Heirloom Mavens/Mother Hen
www.heirloommavens.blogspot.com
www.harvestthymefarm.blogspot.com
www.gypsycowgirlcreations.blogspot.com
"I figure if a girl wants to be a legend, she should go ahead and be one!"...Calamity Jane |
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Lainey
True Blue Farmgirl
2401 Posts
Elaine
Waco
Kentucky
USA
2401 Posts |
Posted - Oct 24 2008 : 07:37:32 AM
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People used to say that to me too but not in awhile. My husband and I have been trying to conceive for years but it doesn't look like it's going to happen. I get down about it every once in a while, but I'm trying to accept things. I'm 44 now and my husband and I have talked about the possibility of adopting, although not in a long time.
Elizabeth, one thing that was so similiar is the wording they used to ask you. Like 'when are you going to start your family?'. That's the same way they would ask me and after a while I would answer, 'We have already started. My husband and I are our family'. I think you will know when the time is right and at 28 there's still time if you decide. Best wishes to you and your husband for whatever you all decide to do.
Farmgirl Sister #25
http://countrygirldreams.blogspot.com/ |
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willowtreecreek
True Blue Farmgirl
4813 Posts
Julie
Russell
AR
USA
4813 Posts |
Posted - Oct 24 2008 : 08:07:18 AM
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Elizabeth it sounds like we are very similar. I am working right now but my husband and I are really working hard to pay off college debt and to become more self-sustainable. We now have chickens, are planning to get a cow and are working on a huge garden. My goal is to quit my job in 5 years and be a "stay at home wife".
Farmgirl Sister #17
Blog
www.willowtreecreek.wordpress.com
Felt and Fabric Crafts
www.willowartist.etsy.com
www.willowtreecreek.com
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Mountain Girl
True Blue Farmgirl
806 Posts
JoAnn
Colville
Washington
USA
806 Posts |
Posted - Oct 24 2008 : 1:42:51 PM
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| Elizabeth I read a wonderful article in the paper a few years ago about a woman who chose not to have children. Everytime she met people or at family gatherings rtc. people would say (stupid) things like oh, your childless etc. She finally got tired of it and the next time it was mentioned she would say politely "No,I'm childfree". States the fact that it's her choice and she was not unhappy with it. JoAnn |
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Jami
True Blue Farmgirl
1238 Posts
Jami
Ellensburg
WA
USA
1238 Posts |
Posted - Oct 24 2008 : 2:59:04 PM
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I'm sure no one minds a simple, "do you have children?" question if asked innocently...it's the people that think you're a monster if you don't that need that great comment. I really like that one..it could work for lots of things...just substitute the word child for anything your "less". It does make a statement that it's a choice and not a circumstance. My dad and mom are full-time RV'ers and my dad goes around telling everyone they are home-less...he thinks he's being so funny. (Rolling eyes.... )
Jami in WA
Farmgirl Sister #266
http://woolyinwashington.wordpress.com/ |
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Janneane Hazlip
True Blue Farmgirl
67 Posts
Janneane
Fort Scott
Kansas
USA
67 Posts |
Posted - Oct 24 2008 : 6:15:30 PM
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| I would be the one to give a smart mouth answer like "we just have not figured out what causes that (children) yet." There would be a lot more to apologize for if you had a child out of social pressure when you really didn't want one. Be proud of where you are at and don't let anyone steal your joy. |
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ruralfarmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
4309 Posts
Rene'
Prosser
WA
USA
4309 Posts |
Posted - Oct 24 2008 : 6:39:05 PM
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I have 4 kids, 2 grown and 2 at home. I love being a mom, but it is what I wanted. I say follow your heart AND time is on your side. One of my best friends just started her family and she is 40, so at 28 seems you have a lot of time to just "be".
Rene~Prosser Farmgirl #185
http://farmchicksfarm.blogspot.com/
Mavens are "information specialists", or "people we rely upon to connect us with new information."[6] They accumulate knowledge, especially about the marketplace, and know how to share it with others
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Brew Crew
True Blue Farmgirl
676 Posts
Molly
Arizona
676 Posts |
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soapmommy60543
True Blue Farmgirl
2197 Posts
Ann
Oswego
IL
USA
2197 Posts |
Posted - Oct 25 2008 : 03:47:08 AM
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Ok, as I was reading this particular comment "Oh yeah when adults ask when were gonna have kids my husband and I always say "We try ALL the time but it just hasn't happened yet". Then the people get kind of embarassed. " The smart alec in me just had to add, after you say but it just hasn't happened yet, "in fact last night", and start giggling hysterically! No, don't do that really. It was just a funny thought.
Seriously, if you think you are past your baby prime at 28, honey you've got some learning to do. If you're basing that idea on what happened with your mom, her birthing experience was a long time ago, and medicine has come a long way since then. Most women, if they haven't had kids already, don't hear that clock start ticking til their 35. My best friend just had baby #3 at 41. She didn't start til 36. You've got lots of time to change your mind, but if you don't so what? You know what's best for you and hubby. It doesn't take kids to make a happy marriage - it takes love, respect, friendship and a whole lot of other things. If that's what makes you happiest, then so be it.
As for the grandson thing, when I was prego with child #1, my FIL insisted it had to be a boy. Guess what, she's 11 now, and Grandpa's best fishing buddy. That's a genereational thing. All that garbage about carrying on the family name. I don't know how close you are, but maybe sometime you should just talk to your dad about your feelings. Dad, I love you, but please understand this is a decision for me and hubby, and we ask that you respect it - I know that it may hurt or that you may feel disappointed, but this is how we choose to live our lives. If he doesn't, then that's his problem.
As for the other Nosy Nora's, they're everywhere, and just because you have kids they don't go away (we homeschool and we get lots of them bugging us every time we leave the house on a weekday). People should learn to mind their own business! I liked Alee's reply best of all, it was polite but direct.
Best Wishes!
Ann in Oswego
Times may be tough, but farmgirls are tougher!
Craft Fasting since October 21, 2008 |
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laluna
True Blue Farmgirl
295 Posts
New York
USA
295 Posts |
Posted - Oct 25 2008 : 10:39:14 AM
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Elizabeth, please drop me an e-mail so we can chat about this, as I have lots to say and don't want to ruffle any feathers here. I will, however, let you know that I am 39, have been married to a wonderful man for the past 15 years, am child-free, and quite happy with life.
Before my husband and I even married, we discussed all the "big issues," and agreed at that point that kids might be a possibility, but not for several years. Then, after a few years of marriage we realized that we weren't ready for nor particularly wanted kids (thankfully we both agreed about this).
I, like you, have never had that baby urge. Yes, they're cute, and yes, I'd have to say that my husband and I are a great aunt and uncle to our six nieces and nephews, but we know we don't want any for ourselves. (I also teach middle school - maybe that has something to do with it!  )
Please don't let someone pressure you into having kids or tell you you're selfish, because you're not. I have far more admiration for people who do what they know is right for themselves, despite the judgement they may receive, than to do something just to please someone else. I also don't think, if you're like us, that you should let someone use the "you'll be lonely when you're older" argument. What a ridiculous reason to have kids! I've seen plenty of older folks with children and grandchildren who can't be bothered to spend time with them. How sad. I'm not worried about "having someone around" when I'm old because I make sure to nurture all my relationships, be they with family or friends.
Well, perhaps I've rambled a bit more than I had planned, but please know that you are certainly not alone (and if in fact you find yourself in a different frame of mind years from now, having kids will still be an option for you for at least another 12-14 years).
(And for a little perspective on our society's relationship with kids, take a look here: http://www.rosemond.com/view/389/21755/93008.html. I love his no-nonsense approach, and as a teacher, I particularly appreciate so much of what he has to say.)
"I believe in God, only I spell it Nature." -- Frank Lloyd Wright |
Edited by - laluna on Oct 25 2008 10:41:52 AM |
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Family Matters: advice about not wanting children... |
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advice about not wanting children...
