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Family Matters:  Has anyone ever cared.....  |
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mikesgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
3659 Posts
Sherri
Elma
WA
USA
3659 Posts |
 Posted - Oct 22 2008 : 11:08:11 AM
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for an advanced Alzheimer's patient in their home? My mom has run out of money, so I'm having to make some tough decisions about what to do after November. One option would be to bring her to my house. She is wheelchair bound, non-verbal, incontinent. I don't feel very qualified - I've never done anything like this before except when she first started to get sick, I moved in with her and tried to care for her. She would have NONE of it at that time. But things are different now. I also know myself pretty well and think I'd get frustrated and go stir crazy not being able to leave if I needed to. Just wondered if anyone has ever done anything like this for a close relative before and if so, how did it go?
Farmgirl Sister #98
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Bellepepper
True Blue Farmgirl
1207 Posts
Belle
Coffeyville
KS
USA
1207 Posts |
Posted - Oct 22 2008 : 11:33:50 AM
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| Sherri, so sorry to hear about your mom. Do you have Hospice is your area? We have a dear friend who's wife had Alzheimers. Hospice came in a couple of days a week and he was able to get out, shop or whatever. There should be some kind of help through the social services. Check with your county or with Medicade. |
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dutchy
True Blue Farmgirl
4427 Posts
4427 Posts |
Posted - Oct 22 2008 : 12:27:32 PM
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Yes I did, for 5 years.
My mom had severe Alzheimer and also very very aggressive towards me.
It was VERY hard, to say the least and not something I would recommend easily.
Don't get me wrong, I loved my mom, and cared for her 24/7 with love and attention. And it also differs from one patient to the other.
Like I said, my mom was very aggressive towards me, she spat, cursed, pulled my hair, kicked, screamed, slapped etc.etc. and all at me.
Even at night she screamed and I couldn't get her to quiet down.
No help from anyone, no hospice, no nothing, just mom and me 24/7 for 5 years.
Hard, very hard.
Also my mom was wheelchair bound, incontinent, couldn't stand or walk.
It was very frustrating and I have been mad and angry at her at times!
It is not something to think of lightly, to say the least.
AND IF you do this, please get help.
You need a few hours for yourself, I never had that because mom could not be alone for 1 second, but if you can get help, maybe you can do it.
Email me if you need advice or just want to talk about it.
I know things here are different from the USA, but just talking about it helps, IMO!!
Hugs.
And now she passed away 2 years ago and I still miss my mom, not the person she became but the mom she was.
Hugs from Marian/Dutchy, a farmgirl from the Netherlands :)
http://princess-of-pink-creations.blogspot.com/
my new BLOG.
I have added "new" creations, take a look :)
And also some pictures of my village, come for a visit
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Edited by - dutchy on Oct 22 2008 12:32:48 PM |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
Posted - Oct 22 2008 : 12:47:21 PM
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*Hugs* Sherri, I am so sorry that the time has come for hard decisions. I know you and Mike will make the best choice possible. Definitely call Hospice, also talk to the local nursing homes, and social services. With your business requiring you to go to Fairs, going and seeing your kids, it sounds like perhaps bringing her home might require a huge change of life for you. *hugs*
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.awarmheart.com
Please come visit Nora and me on our blog: www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
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mikesgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
3659 Posts
Sherri
Elma
WA
USA
3659 Posts |
Posted - Oct 22 2008 : 3:18:10 PM
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I have done the rounds with social services - same old story - too much income for help, not eough to pay her bills, so I'm done with that - it's an exercise in frustration. I've been talking to them for two years. I hope none of you ever have to go through that! It will be a really huge change if I end up bringing her home - but the only other option I can think of is to quit my business and get a regular job to support her there. I do ok in my business, but it is not regular enough - some months I do great, but it might go 3 or 4 months between good shows, so it's not reliable enough. I'm sure we'll figure it out, but I really want to be sure before I bring her here - I don't want to bring her here, then find out I can't do it and have to move her again. It would be too hard on her. I'd appreciate prayers for guidance.
Farmgirl Sister #98
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Marybeth
True Blue Farmgirl
6418 Posts
Mary Beth
Stanwood
Wa 98292
USA
6418 Posts |
Posted - Oct 22 2008 : 3:49:45 PM
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Well Sherri, I took care of my husband after he had a stroke and then another one. Taking care of one's mother might be different. Dave was paralyzed and could not speak. He was in bed or in a wheel chair. He could yell!! You do go stir crazy and need some time out or away. I finally had a lady come in once a week for 3-4 hours so I could go and be by myself. Dave would go to the store with me and sit in the car and we would go for drives every day. We both would laugh with the struggle I had getting him in and out of the car. Whew!! Sometimes I would be so angry . I usually put about 75 miles plus on my car every day. Dave was very laid back and responsive to the things I did. He just didn't want me out of his sight very long. That is what was hard for me. I am sure he felt out of controll towards things. Now your mother with Alzheimers is a whole nother ball of wax. I took care of Dave for 4 and 1/2 years before he died and it was very hard but I figured I had it easier than he did. Good luck and find someone to come in for a few hours at least once a week. That was all I could afford but it was well worth it. MB
www.strawberryhillsfarm.blogspot.com
www.day4plus.blogspot.com www.holyhouses-day4plus.blogspot.com
"Life may not be the party we hoped for...but while we are here we might as well dance!" |
Edited by - Marybeth on Oct 22 2008 3:52:58 PM |
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MissDana
True Blue Farmgirl
348 Posts
Dana
Carrollton
Georgia
USA
348 Posts |
Posted - Oct 22 2008 : 4:22:44 PM
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Sherri, what would your mother, 20 years ago, want you to do?
Dana
Proud Farmgirl Sister # 267
www.schultztroupe.wordpress.com
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mikesgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
3659 Posts
Sherri
Elma
WA
USA
3659 Posts |
Posted - Oct 22 2008 : 7:04:34 PM
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Good question Dana - but a tough one. She and I were never very close - she always preferred to spend time with her sisters over me, even though I was an only child. Unfortunately, the two sisters that live in the area both have Alzheimer's also. I don't mean this unkindly, but she was always a bit of a martyr and would really be horrified I think, to believe that she was any "bother" to anyone. I really don't know what she would have wanted me to do - I have thought about this several times and I could just hear her saying "Just leave me in my house and don't bother with me." Of course that is not an option.
Farmgirl Sister #98
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
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Carol Sue
True Blue Farmgirl
4033 Posts
Carol Sue
Washingtonian
USA
4033 Posts |
Posted - Oct 23 2008 : 01:09:57 AM
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Oh Sherri, just hard decisons to have to make. The only advice I can give, is make sure you have a good support system for yourself. It is vital for you to be able to handle all that you will be dealing with if she comes home. Dealing with Dan's head injury and all that that entailed it was my one saving grace was my support system.
Praying for you, hugs.
Farmgirl #39
www.Quitemoments.blogspot.com |
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mikesgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
3659 Posts
Sherri
Elma
WA
USA
3659 Posts |
Posted - Oct 24 2008 : 2:12:12 PM
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Alee - the Medicaid is not applicable in mom's case. Her monthly income is too great for medicaid, but not enough to pay her bills. Most people don't realize that some people fall into this gap - if your income is greater than $1910 a month in WA, you are not eligible. Mom's is greater than that - but it is not anywhere near the $3000 for her care, plus her insurance, plus her medical bills - not to mention "luxuries" like clothing, transport to the doc., etc. I sure didn't know that this problem existed before I started dealing with it, but I have been schooled in a hurry. If you are in this situation, there is NO help available - I have been told time and time again.
Oh, and her doctor's visit yesterday revealed that she has the beginnings of Parkinson's disease also, so her care will be increasing. Please everyone, say a little prayer for Mom and for help for me to decide what to do. I appreciate everyone's good thoughts. It's bad enough to have this happen to your mom, but then to have the system fail you, it makes it even worse.
Farmgirl Sister #98
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
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Aunt Jenny
True Blue Farmgirl
11381 Posts
Jenny
middle of
Utah
USA
11381 Posts |
Posted - Oct 24 2008 : 10:40:48 PM
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Oh Sherri..I hate that you have to deal with all this. My mom cared for my grandma (her mother in law not her own mom) in her home for 9 years. She had dementia and finally alzhiemers. She lived to be 90 and was only put in a nursing home finally when my mom was about ready to flip out. I think it should have happened alot sooner in her case. My grandma was not nice at all to my mom and visa versa. They never were close and it wasn't a good situation. My mom did get to get out and had someone come in..she even got away for weekends sometimes...so that helped I am sure. I guess with the non verbal part you won't have the arguments and all that they had...but still..you have to think about YOUR mental health too. I wish I could be closer to help..even if it were just "mom-sitting" now and then. (((hugs))))
Jenny in Utah
Proud Farmgirl sister #24
Inside me there is a skinny woman crying to get out...but I can usually shut her up with cookies
http://www.auntjennysworld.blogspot.com/ visit my little online shop at www.auntjenny.etsy.com |
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Ronna
True Blue Farmgirl
1891 Posts
Ronna
Fernley
NV
USA
1891 Posts |
Posted - Oct 25 2008 : 5:03:23 PM
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| Rich people can afford the bills, poor people get aid..it's those in the middle who suffer, along with the families who have to struggle to do what's best for their parents. Hospice takes over when life expectency is less than 6 months, I found that out with my mother. Not a good scenario any way you look at it, to care for her in your home. If there are any Alzheimers support groups in your area, they would know best what options you might have for her care. My thoughts are with you. |
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frannie
True Blue Farmgirl
2246 Posts
fran
bonham
texas
USA
2246 Posts |
Posted - Oct 25 2008 : 6:05:50 PM
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hi sherri, glad to see your post here, i have missed you lately, and then a friend told me you were away taking care of your mom.
my mom took care of my dad with alzheimers for 17 years in their home and it was very hard. she was in her 60s-70s during this time and was not in the best of shape herself. but my dad was verbal and ambulatory throughout most of his illness. he also died about 13 years ago so all the info i have on this is old enough to maybe not be pertinent. i do know that this is a very hard and frustrating journey and i agree with the good info posted here already.
when my parents looked into some kind of help they also had too much income by about 18 dollars a month. they were trying to get help from the va. finally they submitted it again and reminded the guy that they were paying for all his meds out of pocket and that they then qualified for assistance. so it isnt just the monthly income but also minus the expenses he had. if your mom is on medicare then every time she has a change in condition, ie a new diagnosis she should qualify for medicare a again and some services should be upgraded for 100 days. all of this stuff feels like nuclear science to me and i worked in nursing homes for about 15 years.
in texas if the husband was a veteran we have new homes called state veteran homes and they are open to the spouses of veterans, so if your dad was a veteran your mom might be eligble for those if you have them in your state.
i am really sorry you are going through this sherri, i do believe that people dont really realize how difficult it is if they havent been through it. the hard part should just be the decision of when a loved one has to leave home and go to some kind of care. until my dad was sick i didnt really realize that for some folks it is totally out of reach.
i will be thinking of you, and if your dad was a veteran you might want to call my husband cause he works for the va and deals with these type of issues for spouses of vets all the time. alot of folks dont realize that these benefits are even available. it is a new program and not publicized that much.
love.
love
frannie in texas
(http://abunnystale.wordpress.com/) |
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mikesgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
3659 Posts
Sherri
Elma
WA
USA
3659 Posts |
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frannie
True Blue Farmgirl
2246 Posts
fran
bonham
texas
USA
2246 Posts |
Posted - Oct 26 2008 : 5:35:51 PM
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sherri, had to check in to see if your dad was a veteran, glad to hear that and hope that may be an avenue for you and your mom.
my dh says for you to contact the veterans administration and the state veterans homes(for washington state).
he also says if you dont like what you hear or it sounds confusing to call him at his work, i will send you his phone number at work and his cell phone.
thanks for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers, i will be doing the same for you sherri, i you will do the best you can for your mom, but i really hope you dont have to slack off on your crafting. your childrens jackets and hats are so wonderful and i dont want you to have to give that up.
love from texas.
love
frannie in texas
(http://abunnystale.wordpress.com/) |
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Jami
True Blue Farmgirl
1238 Posts
Jami
Ellensburg
WA
USA
1238 Posts |
Posted - Oct 27 2008 : 08:24:05 AM
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Sherri, you have some decisions to make that are not easy and I understand your frustration when you're trying so hard to find the help your mother needs and it's just not there. I also understand the responsibility you feel for your mother. I would be the same way.
How is your decision progressing? To make it work for her to live with you, can you get respite care...is it only for the rich or poor and not the in-betweeners?
Jami in WA
Farmgirl Sister #266
http://woolyinwashington.wordpress.com/ |
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mikesgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
3659 Posts
Sherri
Elma
WA
USA
3659 Posts |
Posted - Oct 27 2008 : 10:15:02 AM
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Hi everyone. Thanks for being so supportive of me while I'm trying to decide what to do. I have a month - a couple of my kids contributed for November so we're set til the end of November. That is such a blessing because it gives me time to explore the veterans option that Frannie made me aware of. Jami - in WA respite is the same as COPES - income dependent. But, if I have her here, I'm not paying for the home, so that money would be available for respite I think. Thats something else I have to explore. My farmgirl sisters are the greatest - wonderful support for someone who is "biological sister challenged"! Thanks again all for caring and helping.
Farmgirl Sister #98
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Jami
True Blue Farmgirl
1238 Posts
Jami
Ellensburg
WA
USA
1238 Posts |
Posted - Oct 27 2008 : 10:42:33 AM
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Sherri, I'm without a blood relative sister too so know that feeling. My brothers are great but they don't take on care issues like most of us gals do.
Glad you've got a bit of time to think.
Jami in WA
Farmgirl Sister #266
http://woolyinwashington.wordpress.com/ |
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MagnoliaWhisper
True Blue Farmgirl
2817 Posts
Heather
Haysville
Kansas
USA
2817 Posts |
Posted - Oct 28 2008 : 6:05:01 PM
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I cared for my grandma the last ten years of her life.
Most times it wasn't so bad. However, there was a few times I really really needed help. I would ask her dr for help (where I could go, where I could get help) and all he would ever say was to put her in a home! UHG! After she died, I was talking to my other grandma's (my paternal grandma, it was my maternal grandma we took care of) brother's wife! lol (yes long story here) And she was telling me about her dad and how he was in a adult day care. Right in my same city. This was just months after my grandma had died. She told me about ALL kinds of resources for help for such ones! Not just a home! GRRR, makes me so freaking mad at that dr when I even think about it now.
So call up some of your local places, like there's is usually some kind of advocates for the elderly (I've just more recently found out about!) that can really really help you, all for free, and they don't care about your income!
Also any one can get paid by medicare to take care of older ones, so you may be able to get paid from medicare for this (again the advocate groups can help you on this more). I know you wouldn't do this for money, but the money may be able to help you do more for your mom! (like pay for things you may need, like a day care situation or such). Any way, this again I didn't know about when grandma was alive! GRRR.
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
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La Patite Ferme
True Blue Farmgirl
623 Posts
Jenn
CA
USA
623 Posts |
Posted - Oct 29 2008 : 2:13:24 PM
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My heart goes out to you Sherri. I think we always want to see our parents as they were when we were young.
After reading the other posts I got the impression your mom had a home, and if that's the case I have a thought. Mind you I'm grasping at straws here with really no info, but what about a reverse mortgage on her house? That might give you the money you need for care and other bills. I know the market is really lousy right now, but if it's doable it might be another option to consider. Just an off the top of my head idea. I'll be sending good thoughts to you and your family. |
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mikesgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
3659 Posts
Sherri
Elma
WA
USA
3659 Posts |
Posted - Oct 29 2008 : 7:59:30 PM
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Thanks Jenn, but I already sold her house on a contract to bring in extra money each month, but the payments aren't big enough now to cover her expenses. The reverse mortgage may have just been the ticket. It was so hard, a few years ago, trying to decide what to do - hang onto her house and make her ineligible for help (turns out that she's ineligible anyway!), sell it, or I could have put it in my name. It's all a gamble - you have no idea what's going to happen in the future and everything has a time frame attached to it. If I had put it in my name, and she had been able to get help within three years of that time, they would have attached the house, so I didn't do that - you just don't know how long before they get really sick, and you don't know all the rules up front. Very frustrating - that's why I vent on here - maybe someone else will have a little more info ahead of time if they find themselves in this situation.
Farmgirl Sister #98
Check out my new online store
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LunaTheFarmLady
True Blue Farmgirl
448 Posts
Luna
Rineyville
KY
USA
448 Posts |
Posted - Oct 29 2008 : 8:54:45 PM
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Sherry
My heart goes out to you. My mom is has advanced Alzheimer's. Our situation is different in that she was eligible for medicare but I know first hand how hard this is for you and what you are going through.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Luna The Farm Lady
http://blueballmountainspindleneedleworks.blogspot.com/
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GreenAcreGal
Farmgirl in Training
17 Posts
Bev
DeGraff
Ohio
USA
17 Posts |
Posted - Nov 04 2008 : 1:25:41 PM
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Oh Sherri how my heart goes out to you. I know too well the turmoil you're going through. My father has ALS which is a terrible, debilitating disease. He came home a year ago June on a ventilator. He requires total care as he is on life support and cannot move his arms at all. My Mom has been the primary caregiver but now her cancer has returned and she is emotionally and physically exhausted. She doesn't seek the care that she NEEDS because she is concerned with dad's care.
I made the decision to close my business earlier this year to have the flexibility to be able to help them. I want to tell you that I have no regrets for the decisions I've made thusfar. Because everyday is precious and a gift. However, all that having been said...my parents did qualify for Medicare and Medicaid and we are thankful for all they have provided...but...there is NOT enough help! We only receive 6 hours from a nurses aide per week and we finally were approved for 14 hours respiratory care per week. SO, even with both services it is not enough when they are totally dependent.
My father-in-law has Alzheimers and is in a nursing care facility. He became combative and could no longer be cared for at home. We hate to have him there but we feel our hands are tied. However, we find comfort in knowing he IS with experienced caregivers. This disease too is so heartwrenching. I know there seems to be no REAL definitive answers to all your concerns but please know that you are in my prayers for wisdom, comfort and strength to do whatever you need to do. There is no right or wrong decision it's just making the decision that works for you. We are here for support as you go through this time. This forum has been my respite.
Many hugs.
~Blessings~
Bev |
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Family Matters: Has anyone ever cared..... |
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Has anyone ever cared.....
