| Author |
Holidays:  this may be the last christmas with mom  |
|
|
finngirl
Farmgirl in Training
30 Posts
Karen
Bryant Pond
Maine
USA
30 Posts |
 Posted - Nov 08 2005 : 2:23:36 PM
|
| My Mom's lung cancer has returned and has spread to her bones. She just told me a few days a go and I'm having a really hard time with it. She only had surgery for the first cancer lass than a year ago and it's returned all ready! She's only 60 years old. How can I make sure that this Christmas will be special for her? The Dr's give her 5 months - a year to live. I would really appreciate some thoughtful ideas for her. Thanks. |
|
|
Fabulous Farm Femmes
True Blue Farmgirl
792 Posts
Diane
Lakebay, Tacoma
WA
792 Posts |
Posted - Nov 08 2005 : 2:34:07 PM
|
Karen, I am so, so sorry and will add you and your Mom to my prayers.
One thing you might do is make your Mom a journal, or if she is feeling too poorly, get a tape recorder and record yourself asking her some questions about family heritage and her childhood & yours, things like that.Keep doing it for as long as she is able, you will cherish it in years to come.You could write her a letter and tell her just how much she means to you, something she can keep with her when you are apart to feel comforted.Gifts of music she likes and can play are comforting, pajamas and bathrobes for hospital visits, ask her if there are any things she feels she wants to finish or get done that you can help her with. Know we will all be hear to listen if you want to talk or rant or cry. |
 |
|
|
Aunt Jenny
True Blue Farmgirl
11381 Posts
Jenny
middle of
Utah
USA
11381 Posts |
Posted - Nov 08 2005 : 3:17:19 PM
|
When my beloved Grandma's cancer became terminal (she passed away in Oct. '92) I asked her what she wanted done and what she wanted me to do to help. She wanted to get her fruit trees pruned since she knew my grandpa and uncle..who were the ones living there with her....would never get it done. For some reason that was a real big deal to her even though she wouldn't see the trees bear fruit..and she wanted me to help her make a small list of her "treasures" and who was to get them so they didn't go to the wrong people. ( I don't know who those wrong people were..but she was concerned about it!) She wanted to talk and wanted to look at pictures and make sure I knew where all her pictures and special stuff was..she had lived in the same house for 45 years and had things stashed in funny places. She really cared that her house was really clean (my granpa and uncle wern't much help with that either) so I helped with that. Things that just made her comfortable. I tried to spend as much time with her as I could..she was given a year to live and only lived for 4 months after that as the cancer spread quickly to her brain. It was really hard..but I feel like I did get alot of good time with her and made her happy at the end. Her sisters (she was the oldest of twelve kids) came to visit and help and my mom and sister were there for her too. I think she felt very loved.
I think that is what was best. Ask what matters to her... even if it seems silly like pruning those apricot trees...it mattered to her and made her more relaxed and happy. I will sure keep you and your Mom in my prayers.
Jenny in Utah
Put all your eggs in one basket..and then watch that basket!! Mark Twain |
|
|
|
jpbluesky
True Blue Farmgirl
6066 Posts
Jeannie
Florida
USA
6066 Posts |
Posted - Nov 08 2005 : 4:14:12 PM
|
Jenny - you continue to amaze me with your love for people and life. Your post was inspiring to read. Each time someone is terminal, their wants and needs are different. And I think, like Jenny, it is best to outright ask them what is important to them...and then get it done to the best of your abilities. No matter what the differences in what they say, being with the ones they love is always first.
I will be thinking of and praying for your family this Christmas, Karen. It may just be the most poignant and wonderful Christmas yet. Saying good-bye makes life real and priceless and I hope for you a happy holiday season. God bless you and your mom.
Sell cleverness and buy wonder |
|
|
|
nono
Farmgirl at Heart
7 Posts
sara
atlanta
ga
USA
7 Posts |
Posted - Nov 08 2005 : 8:58:58 PM
|
Dear Jenny,
I'm so sorry about your mom. I know this must be horrible for you. So I'll share my suggestion, and hope you find some comfort in it.
When I was 8 years old, my lovely little German grandmother was diagnosed with stomach cancer. Before she started chemo and radiation, she travelled to Germany with one of her sons and his wife to visit distant relatives and see the land where her family came from. She loved it. If your mother is up for it, a memorable trip--whether just to a local place that's special for her or a one-in-a-lifetime experience--together can be really special.
Enjoy the time you have now with your mom, make the day-to-day errands and chores with her something to look forward to, even if it's tidying up the house or watching a favorite movie together.
I was blessed to know my grandmother, and every time I knead bread or nurture something green and growing, I can feel my grandma working through me...and it's such a comfort.
Blessings on you and your mom. |
|
|
|
Aunt Jenny
True Blue Farmgirl
11381 Posts
Jenny
middle of
Utah
USA
11381 Posts |
Posted - Nov 08 2005 : 10:45:32 PM
|
Sara...it is Karen who has the mom who is ill...
Jenny in Utah
Put all your eggs in one basket..and then watch that basket!! Mark Twain |
|
|
|
Kit
Farmgirl in Training
27 Posts
Mechanic Falls
Maine
USA
27 Posts |
Posted - Nov 09 2005 : 06:23:53 AM
|
Karen,
I'm so sorry.
When my grandmother (dad's mom) was put into the not expected to make it much longer catagory (emphasema, sorry, can't spell), grandpa decided that what she needed was a big suprise birthday party for her 80th. My family was military so we weren't around much, and most of the rest of the family was scattered to the corners of the states. So, grandpa got all of us together over at my aunt's house, I mean *EVERYONE* he could get, and we suprised grandmother. Lots of food and everyone there, I think she just liked seeing all the relatives again, especailly as some (like my sister and I) she hadn't seen in years. The day after the party grandmother, grandpa, my sister and I went out wine tasting (they live near Napa Valley). She passed a few months later.
I guess what I'm saying is find out what would make your mother immensly happy ... even if it is just getting all the relatives together ... and do that. Recording her memories of things is also an excellent idea, that would also let your children (if any) know what grandma sounded like and things she remembers.
::hugs::
Kit |
|
|
|
thehouseminder
True Blue Farmgirl
361 Posts
USA
361 Posts |
Posted - Nov 09 2005 : 06:31:06 AM
|
Hello Karen,
One thing I did for my father when he was ill was to write a letter to him which is a "tribute." I spent a long time thinking of all the things he had done for me, all the things he taught me - not just by telling me things, but also by example. I thought of all the ways he shaped the person I am. I put this in a fairly simplyfied letter form so that it wasn't too daunting to read.
For example: "Thank you Daddy for loving my mother with an everlasting love and being her very best friend."
and "You taught me that ordinary working people have a strength and a dignity that the corporate world will never understand. That 'upward mobility' often means 'downward nobility'." And NEVER to sacrifice my principles." And also, "I remember the times you took me swimming and you could do an entire lap under water without coming up for air. I wanted to be just like you so I practiced and practiced."
Stuff like that.
Dad ended up surviving his bout with cancer and Mom says he carries that letter in his wallet but it is so tattered she wonders if it is still legible.
He told Mom that it meant so much to him that I would tell him these things, and put them in writing, rather than, (his words here) "saving it for the folks at the funeral."
About a year or so after this, I heard a radio program called "Family Life Today" which advocated the same type of tribute. I think their website might have some resources if you are interested.
A big hug to you Karen. I'll be praying for you and your mom. I know this is a very painful time but it is also very precious.
Sending LOVE,
Lucinda
When we were young, there were moments of such perfectly crystallized happiness that we stood stock still and silently promised ourselves that we would remember them always. And we did. --Holly J. Burkhalter , "Four Midwestern Sisters' Christmas Book"
|
|
|
|
therusticcottage
True Blue Farmgirl
4439 Posts
Kay
Vancouver
WA
USA
4439 Posts |
Posted - Nov 09 2005 : 08:01:37 AM
|
Karen -- I am so sorry to hear about your mother. My mom died of the very same thing when I was 17. It was a very hard time. Please know that I will be praying for your mom and your family.
I would second Diane's suggestion about the journal or tape recording. All of my grandparents and both of my parents have passed away and I so wish that I could have gotten a family history from them to pass on to my kids. It will be comfort to you in the days ahead.
My husband's grandfather died two years ago. When he was living and we would go visit, he would take our daughter and they'd sit in a big chair together. Grandpa had a cassette recorder and he and Stephanie made a tape together. They'd just sit and tell jokes, make funny noises, etc. They did this together over the span of about 6 years. It is one of the things that my daughter cherishes the most. About two months ago we got the tape out and listened to it. It brought tears of sadness to our eyes but we also had joy in our hearts remembering how much fun Stephanie and Grandpa had making that tape together.
I'm sending a big hug your way, Karen.
The only time that housework comes before sewing is in the dictionary!
http://rusticcottage.blogspot.com/ |
|
|
|
theherblady
True Blue Farmgirl
510 Posts
Jan
Glasford
Illinois
USA
510 Posts |
Posted - Nov 09 2005 : 10:56:44 AM
|
Karen~~ So sorry to hear of your moms illness-I lost my mom about 15 years ago..sure doesnt seem that long tho-
I wanted to mention....that I think it is very important...to ask questions now..as someone mentioned previously about family, heritage, etc....I have no one left that I can ask about our family tree etc-also, if you have any old pictures , it may be fun to go thru the old black and whites with your mom~~ It would be enjoyable to her..and be sure to write who they are on them so long down the road-you or your family will know who they are..I have stacks of pictures that I now cant identify the people in them..such as great grandparents, etc...
Keep the faith...lifting you and your family up in prayer~~
Jan |
|
|
|
Linda Houston
True Blue Farmgirl
538 Posts
Linda
Lake Charles
Louisiana
USA
538 Posts |
Posted - Nov 09 2005 : 5:25:54 PM
|
Karen, I , too am sorry to hear about your Mother. I would definitely ask her what she would like for the holidays and what type of celebration she would enjoy. When the pain level is so high and narcotics are used sometimes a very quite, gentle holiday is what fits the bill
For me, as I was losing my parents and partner, I wanted so much more than they did. My expectation were miles high. I learned from them the greatest gift I could give them was respect for their wishes. You know , Karen, they were very differebnt Holidays, and very treasured by them and me.
In general I will pray for your Mother and for you and others that will be caregivers in love, emothions and pnyscial. Please keep posting so that we may followed your and their jouney. That is privilege for me to stand with you and yours.
A gentle reminder: let the tears flow and if your Mom is greiving her leavetaking, please let her. They want somone that will listen and allow them their fears and to say the word die, death, and I'm scared.
Blessings |
|
|
|
finngirl
Farmgirl in Training
30 Posts
Karen
Bryant Pond
Maine
USA
30 Posts |
Posted - Nov 12 2005 : 12:43:01 PM
|
Thnak you all for your wishes, thoughts and prayers. I took mom to have a biopsy of her left lung last Thursday. She did well with it. At this point I don't see why they needed to biopsy the left lung. We know she has cancer in the right lung, ribs and right arm. We go see the oncologist on the 21st. Will keep you updated. I asked her what she specifically wantedand she said that wants to get her diningroom finished. She had been living with me this past summer and finally moved into her own place in August. So I will try to help her with that. The major problem is that I have RA.It's hard for me to do physical things and the fatigue really wears me out but I will do what I can for her. My hubby will have to do the heavy stuff.
Thank you all again. |
|
|
|
greyghost
True Blue Farmgirl
650 Posts
Lynn
Summerville
Georgia
USA
650 Posts |
Posted - Nov 14 2005 : 12:55:05 PM
|
Oh Karen, I know this is a very hard time. I don't know what I will do when my grandma or mother's time comes - probably bawl my eyes out!
Best of wishes and thoughts. |
|
|
|
celebrate2727
True Blue Farmgirl
989 Posts
Beth
MJF
Farmgirl
989 Posts |
Posted - Nov 15 2005 : 10:23:03 AM
|
Karen- I am so sad to hear this. I lost my dad 5 years ago. The only thing that I found he wanted more than anything was to know that I was going to be ok and that he made a difference in my life and that I would remember the times we shared. I think he wanted to know he would live on in me.
You have my prayers.
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
-Herm Albright (1876 - 1944)
|
|
|
|
westfork woman
True Blue Farmgirl
554 Posts
Kennie Lyn
Emmett
Idaho
USA
554 Posts |
Posted - Nov 17 2005 : 08:55:39 AM
|
The day I brought me youngest child home from the hospital, my dad found out that his cancer was terminal. He sat in the rocker and held her, and said, "I will never see her growup". First I cried and started to turn away, then I said, "None of us come with a guarantee. All we can do is live and love all the days we have. Love is never wasted, and even if kids are too young to really remember love, I don't belive they ever forget the feeling of being loved." He lived another 2 & 1/2 years. Both my kids have fond memories of their grandpa, of doing fun things with him, and they know he loved them. Holidays are hard without him, even after all these years, but I know he is in our hearts, and we have the memories of all the holidays that have gone before.
Greetings from the morning side of the hill. |
|
|
|
bramble
True Blue Farmgirl
2044 Posts
2044 Posts |
Posted - Nov 17 2005 : 09:42:09 AM
|
Karen- How sad I am for you that you and your family are experiencing this illness again with your Mom. I lost my Mom and Dad at seperate times to long term terminal illnesses and it is never easy on anyone.
I agree with everyone who said to find out what will make your Mom feel comfortable and as if she has taken care of the things she wanted to. It was hard for us but my Mom wanted us to deal with the eventual outcome and what she wanted to be done. No one would talk to her about it because no one wanted to accept the fact that she was dying at 47. When I finally sat down with her and let her talk about all of it, it was amazing to see her face her illness knowing that she had finally been heard and knew I would follow through for her. Sometimes whatever brings peace of mind and spirit is the one true gift of love you can offer. Cherish your time together and I will keep you all in my prayers.
with a happy heart |
|
|
| |
Holidays: this may be the last christmas with mom |
|
this may be the last christmas with mom
