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Parenting & Farm Kids:  I need some advice........  |
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mikesgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
3659 Posts
Sherri
Elma
WA
USA
3659 Posts |
 Posted - Jun 04 2008 : 09:01:55 AM
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My oldest daughter has three beautiful little boys. The oldest is 4 and had been diagnosed with some expressive language delays. He has been in speech therapy and therapeutic preschool for about a year now. Recently, he was assessed and my daughter was told that he doesn't recognize concepts and has mild retardation. I didn't know they even used that term anymore. Anyway, it's becoming more apparent to her because her two year old is catching up to the four year old, developmentally. They are doing everything they can for him, but she is extremely worried because she is afraid that other kids are going to break his spirit. Other preschoolers are already teasing and calling names and this is breaking my daughter's heart. I want to be supportive for her - it's breaking MY heart to see her hurt like this. Can any of you provide me with any advice on what to say to her to make her hurt any less - he's such a happy, active little boy right now I"m sure she's just worried that the other kids teasing is going to take away his joy in life.
Here's a picture of Dalton and his little brother Garett. They also have a baby brother, Hunter.
Farmgirl Sister #98
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Edited by - mikesgirl on Jun 04 2008 09:08:13 AM |
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KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
Posted - Jun 04 2008 : 09:10:29 AM
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Sherri, your post makes me so sad...not because your grandson has some developmental issues, but because children can be so cruel. If he's in a theraputic preschool already, what's the story on the other kids? They have to have issues as well, I'd guess. Anyway, what you said in your post, you should say to your daughter. That this child is happy and active and has such joy, and whatever comes their way they will take it on together. Having taught mentally challenged children myself, I appreciated communication from each parent, and vice versa. I would encourage her to keep an open dialogue with whatever teacher he will have or has, and to acknowledge that yes, kids can be rough, and you can't always protect them, but you can run some interference if you know about it and handle it constructively.
Thinking about your daughter and grandson,
J
Farmgirl Sister #80, thanks to a very special farmgirl from the Bluegrass..."She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian.
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
Posted - Jun 04 2008 : 09:15:44 AM
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Hi Sherri-
I don't have much advice to offer. I think what Jonni posted is very wise. Your grandson sounds amazing and he will get were he needs to be in life at his own pace. *hugs*
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.awarmheart.com
Please come visit Nora and me on our new blog:
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com |
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mikesgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
3659 Posts
Sherri
Elma
WA
USA
3659 Posts |
Posted - Jun 04 2008 : 09:19:16 AM
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Jonni - I wondered the same thing about the preschool. I know my daughter and I know she would communicate with the teacher very strongly. She is a high school administrator and has always seen the situations from the other side of the desk - wanting the parents to keep the lines of communication open with the school so I know she believes in the concept. I think part of it is that, of course, she was blinded by love for her own child and didn't see it coming. Thank you for the verbage - I will pass it on to her. I think it's easier for other's to be objective and come up with constructive advice when they're not emotionally involved. I appreciate it.
Farmgirl Sister #98
Check out my new online store
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KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
Posted - Jun 04 2008 : 09:31:28 AM
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I completely understand..and she's being a wonderful, concerned mom. I'd protect my cub, too!!! I remember sitting in on what they called "LD classes" in junior high as an aide, and the kids in these classes were older, mind you, but I found that they would tease the more challenged in the group. I found it ironic, but I think it's "nature". It was a different time then, but the teacher seemed not to make a big deal out of it--she felt it was normal behavior for teens. It always struck me odd that she didn't look at them differently, but now I know she was right not too. Matriculation is key.
We all learn at different paces, and he is going to have a bit of an extra challenge. I know that when I was in 2nd grade, I had a speech issue (S'ssss, like Cindy Brady) and had to go 3 times a week to the speech therapist. I was sooo ashamed, but my teacher at the time, Ms. Musselman, would say to me when it was time to go "Jonni, it's time to go help Mrs. Merriwether in her classroom." so none of the other kids would know. I've never forgotten that, and I believe, truly, that the teacher sets the tone.
p.s. those grandsons of yours are cute-cute-cute! Such a pretty smile Dalton has!!
Farmgirl Sister #80, thanks to a very special farmgirl from the Bluegrass..."She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian.
http://www.buyhandmade.org/ |
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DaisyFarm
True Blue Farmgirl
1646 Posts
Diane
Victoria
BC
Canada
1646 Posts |
Posted - Jun 04 2008 : 10:23:58 AM
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I too think Jonni gives wise advice. If the situation were mine, (and I'm sure not saying I am right), I would pull him from the preschool if he is being teased. Seems to me that if he has challenges as it is, the last thing the little guy needs is loss of his self-esteem and his spirit broken. He likely doesn't have the skills to deal with the teasing, and there is nothing like other cruel children to be the "teacher" to show him just how different he might be.
Just my two cents and I'm known to listen to my heart instead of my head sometimes. :)
Di |
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sugarwood_naturals
Farmgirl in Training
24 Posts
Jackie
Wister
Oklahoma
USA
24 Posts |
Posted - Jun 04 2008 : 11:08:59 PM
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I have to agree. If the other kids are picking on him, I would take him out. Kids can be so cruel and I think it's worse these days because many parents don't correct them when they are being mean. She has every right to keep that little boy close to her at this age. I know some people might think she's being over-protective, but I don't think so. I say let the little guy be blissfully unaware of his differences for as long as possible. Being developmentally delayed might mean it will just take him longer to develop social skills, so hopefully as he gets older, he will be able to learn to deal with the other kids.
Good Old Fashioned Lye Soap
http://www.sugarwoodnaturals.com
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shepherdgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
1008 Posts
Tracy
California
USA
1008 Posts |
Posted - Jun 14 2008 : 10:34:04 PM
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I think Jonni has some wonderful advice. I also think your daughter is doing the right thing to protect her son at this time. Soon enough she WILL have to allow him to learn to deal with mean kids on his own, and he WILL when the time comes.
I remember going to Jr. High, and High School, with a girl who had Down's Syndrome. Back then, kids with that condition just DIDN'T go to "regular" schools. They were always sent to "Special" schools. Most of the kids WERE mean to her (actually, I think it was because they were AFRAID of her!) and one group of boys were particularly cruel, but my friends and I used to stick up for her. If they picked on her, we would get into it with them and chase them off. After awhile, and once the other kids got to know what a truly AMAZING human being she was, NO ONE allowed any of the other students to pick on her. We went to school with her for six years and she actually graduated with our Senior class.
She was a very strong girl and I truly admired her for who she was, even if she WAS different from the rest of us. We can't always shelter our children, no matter how much we want to. Hopefully your grandson will learn to make his way like our "special" girl did. (I mean "Special" in a GOOD way! She was truly one of the most amazing, awe inspiring people I have EVER known!!) I wish you all the best ~~~ Tracy
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. ~~ George Carlin |
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frannie
True Blue Farmgirl
2246 Posts
fran
bonham
texas
USA
2246 Posts |
Posted - Jun 15 2008 : 10:38:58 PM
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sherri, i am sorry to hear you are going through this, as well as your daughter and her son.
first let me say i think you got some great advice already, especially from our farmgirl sister, jonni.
let me also say, my education was in occupational therapy, and i worked mostly with the elderly, but i did work for about 3 years with infants 0-3 and also with adult patients that were severly and profoundly retarded which was the terminology that we used at that time.
the program i were i worked with infants, 0-3 was a pilot program to see what affects infant stimulation could have on children that had some delays in any area.
ot, pt speech therapy and special education were the treatments we used.
and really across the board all the children did better when they were exposed to the therapys that stimulated them based on were their delays were.
now, having said that, let me say as a grandmother, i have experienced 2 of my five grandchildren have some kind of problem.
my oldest grandson, was born with only one ear, so essentially he has a unilateral deafness, which also means he doesnt hear in "stereo" and has a hard time pinpointing a sound and sorting it out from other sounds. he is seven now and he did receive some therapies at home as a toddler which i think helped him. he is in second grade and does well.
my second grandson, from another daughter, liam has verbal apraxia. his speech was delayed, well he really wasnt making sounds at all, and when anne, his mother had her second child, she began to notice that eventually liam was being passed by his brother in the milestones of language.
he has received alot of therapy, his dad joined the army and went to afghanistan so that they could get medical benefits for liam. liams primary language for a long time was sign language, but now he uses a combination of sign and verbal because although his verbal language is still delayed it is emerging, and there is still some hope that he will one day communicate totally verbally. in the meantime the whole family has learned sign language including his brother, and my daughter will graduate next year as a teacher in deaf education. i think it has been a long journey for all of them, and at times scary and discouraging. i too felt at times that i didnt know what advice to give, because well, i really didnt have all the answers, even though i had worked at some time in this field.
it all seemed a little overwhelming to me, because i was really just learning myself how to accept my daughters as grown women and quit trying to solve everything for them. sometimes i felt i my intention was so good and that i was just trying to be so helpful and i could tell that i just wasnt being any help at all and probably was annoying them.
it is so hard i think to provide support to grown children, especially if they are dealing with something that isnt exactly like something we have been through.
i know what it is like to have children that have problems, but not infants and toddlers, so i really didnt understand what my daughter was going through.what i was able to do was get her to talk to me as she needed too, like a friend would and try to problem solve together. i really had to learn about verbal apraxia through her, and encourage her to become the expert because that would be the most helpful to her son.
then i always tried to let her know that i thought she was just a fantastic mom and that she was doing a great job being a mom and an advocate for her son.
i do think that in the past we looked to our "experts" to educate us on health issues, but it seems now we are supposed to know alot ourselves and that is one thing if you are an adult but something else if it is your child.
love
frannie in texas
(http://farmfolks-frannie.blogspot.com/)
(http://abunnystale.blogspot.com/) |
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frannie
True Blue Farmgirl
2246 Posts
fran
bonham
texas
USA
2246 Posts |
Posted - Jun 15 2008 : 11:20:09 PM
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sorry this is so long sherri but i am trying to get everything said and to be concise, but i seem to be having trouble with that.
my feeling about play and children hurting each other, is that it seems at3-5 there is a lot of drama that goes on with the children. they talk to each other about their hurt feelings, etc and practice being mad and happy with each other.
having said that, i dont believe that teachers or parents should never intervene, that just sets children up for being picked on.
i beleive that a parent should be able to expect that teachers notice if a child has a pattern of bullying other children and that should be worked on.
children i think learn co-operation and their spirits shouldnt be sacrificed for another child.
i always taught my children to be considerate and think of the other persons feeling, and honestly sometimes i think i set them up to be bullied. i just assumed that all parents were teaching their children to consider others and really i didnt teach my kids that they had the right to not play with someone if they were being mistreated. i just naively thought it wouldnt happen. duh.
so i think even at four you can start teaching children that when a child is unkind you can start by leaving there area, or saying to them, no!
i think it takes time for us to accept things about our children that are hard to accept , i know it has been for me. its hard for me to accept things about myself i dont like. so i say, be patient with your daughter, listen and give advice when she ask for it, and always encourage her to know that what she can give her child is better than the best teacher or therapist can ever give them. she can teach them how to be happy at their own accomplishments and how to feel safe in their world. and how to love and be loved. and how to decide what your own success is and to be happy with it.
your grandson is 4, and it is possible to identify areas of problems, but NO one, not a therapist, or teacher or anyone can tell what his potential for success and happiness is. but his mom and dad can give him security and love and a happy start.
so i say consider what the experts tell you, you should be able to dialogue with them, really how i learned the most about all my patients was from listening to them and the people who REALLY knew them. but dont ever let an expert tell you what your child is.
and if something doesnt feel right about a school or teacher or therapist, communicate your concerns and if they are not respected or they act like they know more than you do, go somewhere else.
when i was a therapist, i felt like a problem solver, but i didnt work alone. the patient, the family the people who loved that person was the expert, i was just there to try and help.
sherri, i am sorry that you are feeling the hurt that we feel when something is going wrong for our children, or our grandchildren. just give them your love, assure them that things will work out, and let them know when you see what a great job they are doing raising a "happy,active little boy".
....and ps. i dont even know what that means,,,"he doesnt recognize concepts". he is 4, he may not be ready yet to recognize concepts, it doesnt mean he wont.
any way, love and hugs to you sherri and your daughter who sounds like a wonderful mom and to your grandsons, who to me look absolutley beautiful.
love
frannie in texas
(http://farmfolks-frannie.blogspot.com/)
(http://abunnystale.blogspot.com/) |
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mikesgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
3659 Posts
Sherri
Elma
WA
USA
3659 Posts |
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frannie
True Blue Farmgirl
2246 Posts
fran
bonham
texas
USA
2246 Posts |
Posted - Jun 16 2008 : 10:28:27 AM
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thanks, sherri, i really wanted to be of some help, and you are one of my fav farmgirl sisters so when you are hurting i can feel it all the way to texas!
i dont know about you, sherri, but i am really on the learning curve myself about how to be a "middle-aged" woman with grown children.
i was surprised when my children would respond to my good intended advice with what fellt like annoyance to me, and really at times i was hurt by it. i really just wanted to help.
finally, one of my daughters told me gently that sometimes when i offer advice she just wanted me to listen. and she felt discounted when i offered advice, which wasnt what i intended at all.
i guess life is just one long learning curve for all of us...and i am afraid at times if i got evaluated i would get a note that says."fran has good intentions, but she "doesnt always recognize the concepts"....and of course the inevitable, she has a good heart but sometimes she talks to much.....that one has been following me around since sister mary walter in the 1st grade.
also, i could be wrong about this, but i think aunt jenny has some real wisdom on the subject of parenting children and interacting with the schools, if i were you i would email her and see if she could read the post and comment to you.
around this site, if all else fails i just email aunt jenny about alot of things, but usually she responds in the post, just in the nick of time.
hugs from texas, sherri.
love
frannie in texas
(http://farmfolks-frannie.blogspot.com/)
(http://abunnystale.blogspot.com/) |
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mikesgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
3659 Posts
Sherri
Elma
WA
USA
3659 Posts |
Posted - Jun 16 2008 : 10:42:36 AM
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Frannie - you make me smile! In fact, laugh out loud at your evaluation note! You are right about parenting adult children - more difficult than when they were little for sure!! Good advice, though, about maybe she needed me to just listen. I seem to always want to fix things for my kids....... don't want them to hurt, but I know I can't fix everything nor should I. Thanks again for your response Frannie - you're one of my favs too!!!
Your hugs from Texas make me want to come visit you - and I know your weather has to be better than ours!!!
Farmgirl Sister #98
Check out my new online store
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Edited by - mikesgirl on Jun 16 2008 10:43:41 AM |
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Amie C.
True Blue Farmgirl
2099 Posts
Finger Lakes Region
NY
2099 Posts |
Posted - Jun 16 2008 : 11:09:58 AM
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Kids take their cues from the teachers and other adults in charge. If the preschool teacher is allowing other kids to bully your grandson, that's an issue that I would not stay quiet about if I was his mom. And bullying could happen even if he was going to a "special" school or even if he had no diagnosable problems, if the adults in charge let it happen.
I don't know if this is the case with your daughter, but I've seen how parents who have a child with developmental problems feel guilty about it. Maybe they wouldn't admit it, but they feel like it's their fault that there's something wrong and they have to make it up to the child but at the same time they have to apologize to other people for the extra trouble their child might cause by not fitting the "normal" system. I guess I would encourage her to just do what's best for her son, even if that means rocking the boat a bit with the school or seeking out a different placement for him.
I have two siblings with Down's Syndrome and my husband has worked with retarded and developmentally disabled adults for many years. "Mildly retarded" is such a nebulous term. My husband was described as mildly retarded when he was a young child because he had problems with spatial perception (ie, couldn't hit a ball because he "saw" it as being closer to him than it was). But he simply outgrew it and has very good hand/eye coordination now. My understanding has always been that true mental retardation is diagnosed based on an IQ that is significantly lower than normal. It sounds like your grandson's issues are more like my husband's than like someone with Down's Syndrome or brain damage, who are truly retarded. I hope that helps a little, it's such a complicated subject and the terminology is always changing. |
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frannie
True Blue Farmgirl
2246 Posts
fran
bonham
texas
USA
2246 Posts |
Posted - Jun 16 2008 : 2:04:00 PM
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sherri, amie's answer is perfect, at least she could be concise!
at 4 years old, there can be differences in the norm and quite honestly some children that end up to be brilliant have delays in language developement. maybe one day we will understand it, but i have never heard an explanation for it. also, when i read amie's response i remembered that when we were evaluating children, a delay in one area did not meet the criteria for "retardation" a delay in many factors across the board with an overal delay would. i agree with amie it is a complicated subject and the definitions and terminology do change.
love
frannie in texas
(http://farmfolks-frannie.blogspot.com/)
(http://abunnystale.blogspot.com/) |
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mikesgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
3659 Posts
Sherri
Elma
WA
USA
3659 Posts |
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corporatefarmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
389 Posts
Tamara
Pikeville
TN
USA
389 Posts |
Posted - Jun 27 2008 : 05:26:42 AM
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First let me say your grandsons are adorable! Just a couple of things i wanted to say. Hug your daughter and let her go through "her loss". It is a grieving process because you know some of the dreams you had for that child may not come true. BUT and this is a big BUT DO NOT ACCEPT ONE ASSESMENT!!!!! My husband was a teacher of children with learning disabilities so we have professional knowledge of this. But prior to his teaching one of our sons was WAY behind in K and 1st grade. They would not do an official test until he was 7. Part of that is because some kids just take longer to catch on to things. By second grade Matt still could not recognize his ABC's. He was diagnoised with sever learning disabilities and placed in special needs class. This was devistating to Matt. He was teased and picked on constantly. So we pulled him out and homeschooled for two years. It was a sacrafice for the whole family because I quit work to do it. I mean we dove into learning. I realized Matt needed concepts presented to him in a variety of ways, using as many of his senses as possible. We would draw letters in salt pans, roll them out of play dough, bake cookie words, find them in books, ect... At the end of the two years Matt was at grade level in testing. By the 6th grade he was reading Lord of the Rings on his own. Matt will graduate this year with a B+ average. He wants to be a Chiropractor.
I tell you this because sometimes the first diagnoises made at this early age is not always correct. Take the time to get another and another all at later dates. Right now I would love him and get him out of daycare. Matt got to the point that he would cry not to go to school because of the teasing. If she cant get him out talk with the teachers. Make sure they are aware of the problem.
GOOD LUCK and LOTS of prayers!
Tamara
http://smallfarm.about.com small farms give big benefits
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ruralfarmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
4309 Posts
Rene'
Prosser
WA
USA
4309 Posts |
Posted - Jun 27 2008 : 08:23:54 AM
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sherry,
I certainly know from my own life experiences that coming to terms with heart-aches that are loved ones are going through are somehow harder to reconcile then our own stuff...I have several friends and family members that have kids with challenges.. and even as I look back on my own boys....I would say two things 1) they all develope when then develope. As hard as some may want to say this is when they should have this and that skills... there can be an average.. but they just bloom, when they bloom and he may be a later bloomer... 2)"protecting his spirit" is absolutley key and your daughter is wise to be mindful of it....What a good mom.....I so agree with Tamara....protect his little spirit and surround him with adults and kids that "feed" him.....and you will see that the "moon is the limit".
Rene~Prosser Farmgirl #185
" Plant goodness, harvest the fruit of loyalty, plow the new ground of knowledge. Hosea 10:12 |
Edited by - ruralfarmgirl on Jun 27 2008 08:25:22 AM |
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keeperofthehome
True Blue Farmgirl
154 Posts
Suzanne
Atlanta
Georgia
USA
154 Posts |
Posted - Jul 11 2008 : 3:34:27 PM
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Sherri,
My youngest son, who's now 10 yrs old, has expressive speech disorder, sensory integrative disorder, and OCD, all of these in a mild form. He has been in speech and occupational therapies both private, and now through the school system since he was 3. He doesn't have any mental retardation, but he doesn't speak like the rest of the kids and his brain isn't as fast at some things. He went to a private preschool and we had medicaid to pay for his therapies. I homeschooled him until 2nd grade they decided he wasn't severe enough for medicaid and so we put him in school for therapies. There he has been in special needs and is doing better, however, he is the only kid in special needs getting occupational therapy, which he has been made fun of. Also, in his general ed class they make comments on his going to special needs. I think in elementary school it will not be so bad as when he is in middle. At that time I we will probably put him in a private school. Your daughter should look for programs from the state for extra help such as in Georgia we have Babies Can't Wait to give advice. She needs to seek other kids with the same issues to help her. I have several friends of children with autism and they are on autism boards. I will pray for your daughter and her husband to make the right decision for him! What a sweet littl boy!
Blessings!
~Mrs. Farrah Ginter
www.homesteadblogger.com/keeperofthehome/
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Parenting & Farm Kids: I need some advice........ |
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I need some advice........
