| Author |
Across the Fence:  Seeking Single Farmgirl Advice, Suggestions, Suppo  |
|
|
La Patite Ferme
True Blue Farmgirl
623 Posts
Jenn
CA
USA
623 Posts |
 Posted - Mar 28 2008 : 11:25:47 PM
|
Okay girls. I know many of you are single moms like me or have been single moms at one time so I need some BTDT advice and/or suggestions.
A man stopped by work today to drop off a package for our executive director. The director wasn't in so I helped him and we got to chatting - about nothing really - and maybe for only 10 minutes. Later that morning he called me to ask if the director had recieved his package - in the course of the conversation he said he'd like to take me out for coffee next week. I was sooo caught off guard that I immediately changed the subject and acted like nothing happened. A few hours later he called again and offered to volunteer at our fundraising event Saturday night and gave me his home number so I could call him if we needed extra help. I've always considered myself to be an intelligent, self sufficient woman and I know I must sound like a silly school girl, but I'm not sure the idea of dating is very appealing. OMG the last time I went on a date was 20+ years ago and things are so much different now.
I know it's only coffee and he seems like a nice guy, but my mind has been reeling all day with the "what if's". I've gotten use to doing things the way I want, when I want and with whom I want, spending/saving my own money and answering to noone. After 14 years of making consessions for someone else I'm not sure I even want to get close to that path again. And, of course, I kept thinking about my farmgirl lifestyle. I'm a daughter of the earth trying to live a simpler happier country lifestyle all the while surrounded by mass consumption and thousands of Jonses. How exactly do you bring up butchering your own animals, growing your own veggies, laying in firewood and moving toward a more self sufficient life, with all that entails, in polite conversation? How do I let him know that I wasn't impressed - at all - when he told me his house cost over $650,000. Honestly girls - massively indebted, financially ignorant loser popped into my head Not fair and judgemental I know.
Like I said, this totally caught me off gaurd and I'm not sure what to do. My friend says go have fun, but she's never been a single mom and my sis, never married, says of course he wants to go out he knows who you are. After thinking about it all day I feel like a blithering idiot who can't put an intelligent sentence together much less have coffee and make small talk.
Maybe I'm just gun shy and making excuses. Or maybe I'm still recovering from being "hit on" by the greasy, tatooed tow truck driver at the farmers market yesterday. (locked my keys in the car )
Good grief - I think the planets must be out of aliment or Murcery is in retrograde or something because twice in one week is too much
So girls I'm asking for some impartial advice/suggestions from those who have BTDT or are doing it now - how do you/did you, single moms, get back into dating? And how do you broach the whole farm life subject? Just blurt it out and see if they run for the hills?
Thanks for letting me ramble
|
|
|
mima
True Blue Farmgirl
1573 Posts
1573 Posts |
Posted - Mar 29 2008 : 08:00:20 AM
|
Okay...I know I'm totally shallow Jen...was he cute????
"No pessimist ever discovered the secrets of the stars,or sailed to an uncharted land or opened a new heaven to the human spirit." Helen Keller |
 |
|
|
Farmtopia
True Blue Farmgirl
1465 Posts
Zan
New York
New York
USA
1465 Posts |
Posted - Mar 29 2008 : 08:07:45 AM
|
Hey Jennifer....well, I'm not a single mom...but I hope my advice is still useful?
Ok, on the one hand: If you're already feeling uncomfortable, maybe you shouldn't go. It seems this person's values already clash with yours (the expensive house, as you point out).
On the other hand (and maybe to be a "devil's advocate" so to speak), something about this whole thing is intriguing, or else it wouldn't be a dilemma for you. I say, it's a coffee date, so why not? It doesn't have to lead to anything else, and if nothing else, you make a new friend, if you choose. I've met many people very randomly, or casually, over coffee, even ones whose beliefs aren't exactly in line with mine, and have managed to keep good, and honest friends, even if they are very different, this way. OF course, you will also see if the person seems like they aren't worth your friendship, then you will decide then. But...you might find someone you like, as a friend.
As for "explaining the whole farm thing"...girl, just be yourself. I find many people are interested/fascinated with people who are self sustaining, or "farmers" and, if nothing else, I say the person is just gonna hafta deal with the reality of YOU...however strange it might seem to him. But for the most part, when I tell people I sew, go to farmer's markets, make candles--and mind you, I'm a city girl, talking to city people, they are INTRIGUED...and these aren't what I consider to be "farm skills" at all. Again, be yourself, lead up to it slowly, I guess (well, I wouldn't start a conversation saying "so I killed this chicken last week, see..."
Good luck! Ha! Or, if you get annoyed with him, you COULD blurt it all out and see if he runs for the hills :D
~*~Dream all you dreamers~*~
View my work:
www.bigtownfarmer.com
www.pumpkinpatchparlor.etsy.com
And Blogs:
agriculture: www.bigtownfarmer.blogspot.com
art: www.queenofcrows.blogspot.com
animals: www.big-luv.blogspot.com |
|
|
|
Rebekka Mae
True Blue Farmgirl
965 Posts
Rebekka
Moscow
ID
USA
965 Posts |
Posted - Mar 29 2008 : 08:08:23 AM
|
Jennifer-
I am not a single parent but here is my two cents- if you felt a connection to him then perhaps after the fund raiser you could mention the coffee, just call to thank him for his help or something. Then I would let the cat out of the bag about your lifestyle when it seems appropriate, you should be able to judge by his response whether he seems open to it. I have no idea how you bring up the farm girl lifestyle- perhaps you could tell him that you are committed to living simply so that you can savor what you choose to have and do. The bottom line is that you get to be very picky to find someone who will be fully supportive of who you are, though it is hard to get back out there (and you are in no hurry) it is worthwhile to be open to new people and to new experiences. Perhaps he is not the one...but 'practicing' going on a date with a nice guy in a neutral place could be good too, then again maybe there is more to him than you think.
Good Luck! Rebekka
www.bebebella.etsy.com
As a woman I have no country. As a woman, my country is the whole world.
Virginia Woolf |
|
|
|
La Patite Ferme
True Blue Farmgirl
623 Posts
Jenn
CA
USA
623 Posts |
Posted - Mar 29 2008 : 09:13:19 AM
|
Well you girls sure did brightened my morning. - you're too too funny and wise.
Let's see - Mima, he is not drop dead handsome, but he is nice looking and I know he's almost 10 years older than me, which is ok. I've always dated then married guys who were very close to my own age. Maybe a mature older man will be a nice change.
Zan - I guess what threw me is I usually have met people or been introduced in casual situations and sortof gotten to know them. I've never been asked out by someone I met 10 minutes ago. But to his credit or mine depending on how you look at it. I was not looking or being my best yesterday. With the fundraiser tonight and all the work stuff and event errands I had to get done I was just wearing jeans and a T (not my normal work clothes), my hair wasn't done and I'm not sure I was even wearing makeup and he still asked me out. Also when I get stressed with all the work I have to do I tend to get very focused, efficient and sometimes short with people - and even that didn't scare him away.
He does know who I was married to and that his family is in farming - OMG the whole town knows these people, so maybe things won't be such a surprise.
And as Rebekka said, I wont know until we talk sooo -
as you can see my tone has changed. I think the shock has worn off. I decided to call him, not at home, but at work on Monday, apologize for being a little short with him on the phone and accept his invite to coffee (actually tea, I hate coffee) and see what happens. Gotta get your feet wet sometime - right?
As always you all are wise with sound advice. I'll let you know what happens. Thanks.
|
|
|
|
mima
True Blue Farmgirl
1573 Posts
1573 Posts |
Posted - Mar 29 2008 : 09:18:39 AM
|
Oh fun!!! You go girl!!! It's wonderful to get a little attention now and then! Just have fun with it!!! Hugs! Oh! I was in Camarillo yesterday!!! Is the weather not the most AMAZING!!! Sorry everyone else...... Hugs!
"No pessimist ever discovered the secrets of the stars,or sailed to an uncharted land or opened a new heaven to the human spirit." Helen Keller |
|
|
|
Peanut
True Blue Farmgirl
603 Posts
Jennifer
Waverly
Virginia
USA
603 Posts |
Posted - Mar 29 2008 : 09:22:27 AM
|
quote:
How do I let him know that I wasn't impressed - at all - when he told me his house cost over $650,000.
He talked about money?!?!?
Okay, maybe you could just chalk that up to him having nerves?
My blog: http://thecottonwife.wordpress.com/
"John Deere. We stand behind everything we sell. Except the manure spreader." |
|
|
|
bboopster
True Blue Farmgirl
1140 Posts
Betty Jo
West Bend
Wisconsin
USA
1140 Posts |
Posted - Mar 29 2008 : 10:29:46 AM
|
Jennifer I've BTDT. Go for it you never know what you will find. Take you own transportation so if it falls apart you can leave. Looks aren't everything, money although not impressive is a nice bonus if not used as a tool to impress, debt stinks but it's his and not yours. Be who you are a Farmgirl, nothing to be ashamed of, if he doesn't like it what have you lost. I too when it came to dating went NO WAY. I liked my independence and that I was in control of my life and my children (5). When I did date I was me if they didn't like it tough! I just moved on. I went on a blind date 15 years ago and it turned out good. I did go on some dates that were a disaster and was very happy that I had my own car. I did end up marring him but not until 3 years ago. But during those dating years it was nice to have a friend of the opposite sex to talk to, fix stuff that I really could do myself but was nice to have someone else to do it and sometimes banged my head on the wall going "I remember this, why am I doing this" I agree that some planet, some where, is doing something, as last week I was hit on 3x's and each time I was at my worst when it came to appearance. Of course I just smiled and explained that I was happily married. My DH did get a new client out of it so that was a double smile. Go for it, be yourself, have fun. It might just be the time of your life and if you did not go for it you would have missed it. If it's not at least you will have a story to tell. Let us know how it goes. 
http://www.bboopster.blogspot.com
3 Blue Star Mother and Proud of it!
Pray for our troops to come home safe and soon.
Enjoying the road to the simple life :>) |
|
|
|
Farmtopia
True Blue Farmgirl
1465 Posts
Zan
New York
New York
USA
1465 Posts |
|
|
La Patite Ferme
True Blue Farmgirl
623 Posts
Jenn
CA
USA
623 Posts |
Posted - Mar 29 2008 : 2:02:13 PM
|
Oh gosh mima, had I known you were in town I'd of had coffee, I mean tea with you I was in Cam yesterday picking up plaques for the event sponsors. Don't know if your still in town, but the weather is changing now. Suppose to get a little storm tonight and Sunday morn so the wind has picked up and the clouds are rolling in.
Peanut - he had been asking about the economy affecting the fundraiser and that kinda sagwayed into a few words about the housing market and mortgage rates dropping. That's when he mentioned his house. And, now that I have settled down and think about my indebted loser comment I'm sure he's not interested in a gold digging B%@ch anymore than I'm interested in an indebted loser. Fair's fair right?
Betty Jo you're a riot. Thanks for those encouraging words.
Sorry gotta go get ready for work tonight |
|
|
|
Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
Posted - Mar 29 2008 : 2:19:56 PM
|
Jennifer-
I have a feeling that your lifestyle will come out in chatting. Especially if you were already talking about the Economy! Maybe something in his life led him to have that expensive of a house and perhaps he really is a farmboy at hear just needing a little direction.
I agree having coffee or tea with him sounds nice, and if you two don't click then no obligations :D
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.awarmheart.com
Please come visit Nora and me on our new blog:
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com |
|
|
|
kissmekate
True Blue Farmgirl
890 Posts
Kate
Delano
Minnesota
890 Posts |
Posted - Mar 30 2008 : 08:28:14 AM
|
I am a single Mom and have had my share of bad dates. I haven't been on one in over a year. HOwever, I have had a few that were great.
I say go for it.
Best case scenario, he may turn out to be a total sweetheart/nice guy. I suspect he mentioned his nice house just to proove to you that he earns a good living can take care of himself (and possibly you.) AND like you mentioned to Peanut, he was probably testing the gold digging radar to see if he got a blip. Can't blame him for that.
Just hold true to your self and your ideals and convictions. Perhaps he wants a simple life too, but just doesn't know to go about it. Besides if he is in sales, he likes to talk money. AT least that has been my experience with salesmen-and I deal with them every day at work too.
It's just coffer, so if he turns out to be a dud, at least you won't regret NOT going for coffee and "what if'ing" yourself.
Besides honey, he could always sell that big ol' house and buy you your farm. LOL Just teasing.
He obviously really likes you if he didn't quit at the subject change.
Don't be a coward hon, go for it! If things progress past a few dates, then I would be straight with him about what your life is like, and how you are very indpendent and live simply. If he is older, he will probably be glad to hear that you aren't helpless.
(That is one of the reasons my last relationship didn't work, he wanted to "rescue" me from my singleness. I didn't know I needed rescuing...)
Go for it girl, and let us know what happens.
Don't miss out on a blessing, just because it isn't packaged the way you expected. ~MaryJo Copeland |
|
|
|
bboopster
True Blue Farmgirl
1140 Posts
Betty Jo
West Bend
Wisconsin
USA
1140 Posts |
Posted - Mar 30 2008 : 08:53:05 AM
|
Jennifer, Thanks for the compliment. I have just live through so many hards times and bad situations that I have developed a "What's the worst that can happen." If I don't try I might miss something great. I also laugh a lot. The world is a big place out there and the good far surpasses the bad. It is also filled with a lot of really good people trying to find other good people. Maybe he's looking for a good person and you are it. But remember ALWAYS BE YOURSELF! If you are not your self you will be miserable. Have Fun!!!!!
http://www.bboopster.blogspot.com
3 Blue Star Mother and Proud of it!
Pray for our troops to come home safe and soon.
Enjoying the road to the simple life :>) |
|
|
|
CabinCreek-Kentucky
True Blue Farmgirl
8529 Posts
Frannie
Green County
Kentucky
USA
8529 Posts |
Posted - Mar 30 2008 : 10:30:46 AM
|
hey sweetie .. he jus' invited you to COFFEE .. it isn't a proposal of marriage .. YET!!!
if you 'feel good' about him (ohhhh .. we women have our intuition .. and i believe we should usually follow it!) .. well . .then .. have coffee with him! don't jump ahead in your 'relationship' .. don't WORRY about the 'IF's' .. just enjoy getting to slowly know him.
use that women's intuition .. tune into it. IF you feel good about your 'coffee date' .. well, then maybe dinner and a movie! take it slow .. take it easy .. don't even THINK about 'the future' .. just take it one date at a time .. until you have a GREAT feeling about him! AND . he might just end up being a 'good friend' .. which might be even better for you than a 'relationship' .. until you KNOW you are ready for it.
keep us posted gurlfren! .. remember the line from the movie: 'JUST BREATHE'!!! XOXO, FRANNIE
True Friends * Frannie
HEAR MY STORIES
come, visit my:
"GATHERING ROOM" ..
http://freedomvalleyfarm.blogspot.com
adopt a 'rag-chile'
http://sistermercysfoundlinhome.blogspot.com
treasures .. new and olde .. up for adoption:
http://mudpiemanormercantile.blogspot.com
|
|
|
| |
Across the Fence: Seeking Single Farmgirl Advice, Suggestions, Suppo |
|
|
|
Seeking Single Farmgirl Advice, Suggestions, Suppo
